The Journey of a Lifetime
by Myx Nyx
Summary: A tragedy in Sara's life changes her relationship with Catherine in an instant and starts them on a journey that will take the rest of their lives. Catherine's POV.
1. Catherine's Prologue

**Okay, a bunch of people said I should post this so…I am. This is just the start of what will eventually become the world's longest Cath/Sara fluff fest.**

**The whole thing from start to finish is Cath's POV. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: If I owned them (and this goes for the whole fic) then you would be watching this on TV, not reading it.**

It had been just over six months since Eddie died. Lindsey was doing much better and I would be lying if I said that Sara wasn't a big part of that. She had taken a special interest in Lindsey's well-being after the case had been closed. I wouldn't have allowed it; I still blamed her a lot for not being able to solve the case, but my daughter liked her, missed her, and found support in her.

I didn't understand why, at first, I mean it was Sara; cold, detached, and unemotional. But in the end I saw it; Sara treated her like she was a normal kid when all of her friends, her friend's parents, her teachers, even me and Nancy and our family, tip-toed around her like she was glass.

Sara would take Lindsey on outings; to the park, the zoo, the movies. I didn't understand where she found the time. And they would have 'sleepovers' on nights when I had work and Sara didn't. I remember coming home one morning to find that my living room had been torn apart. My mind immediately jumped into crime scene mode, panicking at the idea of Lindsey having been hurt in an attempted robbery.

But when I ran to her room I saw what really happened and I sagged against the doorway in relief. A very well constructed 'fort,' complete with support beams (chairs, a broom, and a floor lamp), walls (cushions, boxes, and pillows,) and a roof of sheets had taken over the entire floor space of Lindsey's room. I grinned when I saw two sets of ankles and feet, one much longer with a toe ring and one with glittering blue toenails and a pink anklet, protruding out of the "front door." After that I trusted Sara implicitly with my daughter and I saw how my little girl smiled with her and was eternally grateful.

So it happened, and slowly Sara and I built a truce of sorts over work and gradually developed a tentative friendship, bonding over our love of my daughter. On weekends we would sometimes go out all together, the three of us and play soccer in the park or go see one of the 3-D IMAX that they both loved so much. Sara even got Lindsey to go to museums. Museums!

And breakfasts, just the two of us became a regular event after shift, until we were going several times a week and it made sense for us to carpool most nights to work. We even went to dinner on our on-call nights. We usually discussed cases or Lindsey, maybe the news or our coworkers, and never opened up a great deal, but that didn't bother either of us. I understood that Sara was a very private person and I respected that. Even if she never opened up to me, she had earned a place in my heart the second she began to build forts with my daughter.

She might never have opened up to me, either. But one day, something happened that sped things up or maybe, gave them a new direction entirely- a direction I never imagined they'd go. Though in the end, it is clearly where things, where Sara and I, where our family was always meant to be…


	2. The Journey Begins

**The chapters will get longer, I promise. 1&2 are just sort of setting the stage for the rest of them.**

It was the beginning of shift and everyone, Gil, Greg, Warrick, Nick and I were sitting at the break room table. Sitting and waiting. We took turns checking our watches in disbelief. It seemed impossible that Sara could be late. Sara Sidle. Late. For work. Had that ever happened before?

Ten minutes later, just as I was about to get my cell out and call her, Sara barged in. Her expression was angry and determined, but her pallor was shock white. Knowing her a bit better that the others, except maybe for Gil, I could immediately tell that something was very, very wrong. She may have seemed moderately well composed to most people, if a bit irritated, but I knew that this much emotion in her eyes and this type of posture could very well mean that Sara was on the verge of breakdown. I had never seen her look so scattered.

"Grissom," she snapped, and I could tell that she was using anger to mask the shaking of her voice, "I need some time off, I don't know how much, but I need it now."

"Sara," Gil, ever the calm voice, peered over his glasses, "is this perhaps something we should discuss in my office?"

Sara nodded, her voice was still brisk but it sounded tired somehow, "Ideally, yes, but I have no time. I need to leave now."

Apparently she seemed to think that was a reasonable way to end the conversation because she turned to go. What the hell? I know Sara is socially inept sometimes, but her mind had to have been fully loaded if she didn't find that somewhat abrupt.

"Sara, stop." Gil echoed the words that were running through my head. Sara turned at the door, trying to act impatient. Instead, she looked exhausted. "I'm afraid that that isn't going to cut it. I'm going to need a reason to put on your application for leave."

The pain and anger in Sara's leer made me want to hit Gil. _Just let her go! _The guys involuntarily shifted back in their seats; Sara's expression could have intimidated a professional wrestler. But I know that nothing but the utmost pain would cause her to put up these walls. Whatever was about to come out of her mouth was going to be really horrible. I wanted to reach out to her, but I didn't. Instead, I flinched preemptively as she walked back to the table.

"Fine," she said, spitting venom, "How about the fact that in the last six hours I have lost both of my closest friends in the entire world to a devastating car crash and I have also gained custody of their two children? How about that? Does that work as an _excuse_ for your blessed paperwork?"

Sara was yelling and everyone but Grissom and I were shocked by her behavior. Her chest was heaving with the show of emotion and I thought that Gil's shell would crack at the hurt in her voice and that he would apologize, but no! He just look up at her,

"So, family emergency, then?"

And everyone, Sara and I included, just stared at him for several seconds. He seemed to be entirely unaware of the awkward silence. Rage surged through me and I found myself wanting to launch across the table and strangle him. Sara just shook her head in disbelief.

All the energy had left her tone when she responded, "Fine, sure. Whatever." With that she turned and walked out.

"Shit."

I thought I had only sworn in my head but apparently not, because when I looked up, all eyes were on me. Without thinking, I stood up and started for the door.

Gil tried to protest, "Catherine-"

I was in no mood and I suddenly found myself livid, "Save it, Gil. I can't believe the way you just treated Sara!"

"Catherine, there's nothing we can do-"

"Wrong!" My blood was boiling, "There's nothing that you can do, you cold, selfish bastard!" A very small part of my brain registered that I had just sworn at my boss, but I didn't really care, "I am not leaving her alone right now."

"Catherine," Gil tried to reason, "The team needs you, Sara will be-"

I don't think I have ever interrupted him this much in my life, "You don't know shit about it, Gil. Sara will be scared and lonely and lost just like everyone else would be in her place. And frankly, I don't care if you fire me; I am walking out this door. In fact, you better put me on leave too; I don't think I can stand to be around you right now. We both know that "the team" can live without me and I could definitely use a few days without you." And with that I stormed out of the break room intent on not thinking about the fact that I had possibly, though not likely, just lost my job. I succeeded in doing this by searching for Sara.

I found her in the parking lot, fuming, but also crying, "Sara? Sara, hang on a sec."

Sara looked up at me for a moment, but then focused on the pavement once more, "Not now, Catherine. There is no way I am going back in there."

"What?" I asked in confusion. _Did she think I was calling her back? _"No, Sara, I don't want you to go back in there. In fact, I want both of us to get as far away from here as possible."

She just nodded, distantly.

I noticed the ticket in her hand and the bag over her shoulder, "Where you headed?"

"San Francisco." She replied numbly.

"I'm coming with you." The words just came out of my mouth, ideas seemed to be running through my brain and leaving my lips without a stop in the middle for editing. But as soon as I said those words, I knew I wanted to go.

This got her attention, "What? No, Catherine-"

I tried to stop the flow of protests, "Sara, don't fight me on this. Whatever is happening here, you shouldn't go through it on your own."

"Yeah, but you don't need to do this. What about Lindsey? And work? You can't just pick up and leave." Her argument sounded anything but convincing and, in truth, it fell on deaf ears.

"Uhh, yeah, I can, actually. I'll just call Nancy and ask her to take Lindsay for a couple of days."

I more than half expected Sara to protest again, but she didn't. In fact, not only did she not fight me, but she actually smiled weakly, "Are you sure?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I'm sure."

"Because," she fiddled with her ticket, "I was actually going to ask you to come." She flushed as she held out two tickets where a moment ago there had only been one. "I bought you a ticket, just in case. But I lost the nerve to ask you when Grissom…"

"Was an absolute ass?" I supplied. I was touched that she had trusted me enough to want me come. Without thinking, I put an arm around her shoulders and smiled, "Well, I'm on Gil's shit list now. And I already asked for some time off."

"What happened?"

I blushed, "I may have cussed him out after he was so rude to you. After that, I think we both need sometime away from each other."

Sara looked at me with awe, "You swore at Grissom?"

"It's possible that the words 'cold, selfish bastard' were uttered." Not really wanting to talk about my potentially disastrous outburst, I changed the subject, "So what time is the flight? How about we swing by my house and I'll grab some stuff for the trip? We'll call Nancy on the way."

Sara nodded grimly; I could see the momentarily forgotten events of the day flooding back to her.

With the arm still around her shoulders I guided her to the passenger seat of my car. "Come on, let's get out of here."


	3. As Things Unfold

**Here's part 3 as promised. Thanks for the great reviews!**

Nancy readily agreed to watch Lindsey for a few days, and the ride to my house and the subsequent one to the airport were made in uneventful silence.

Once we were in the terminal I decided I had to talk to Sara. She hadn't spoken for the last two hours, and I was afraid she would end up internalizing this situation just as she did everything else.

"Want to fill me in?" I asked quietly, putting a hand on her arm.

I knew Sara was uncomfortable with physical contact, but over the last six months, I felt that we had overcome that boundary somewhat. After a moment, Sara nodded silently and reached into her backpack. She pulled out a framed photograph and handed it to me. She looked at it over my shoulder with sorrowful, brown eyes.

The subjects of the photo were three very happy people; a woman and two men. The woman was obviously a much happier and younger Sara Sidle. Her hair was long- longer than I had ever seen it, and there was a wide streak of electric blue running down the front on one side. She was also tan and wearing a spaghetti strap yellow _dress._ My mind reeled at the thought. Had I ever even seen her wear a skirt?

The three were rolling in the grass at some kind of park. The two men were both hugging Sara, or possibly wrestling her to the ground, it was hard to tell. The taller curly-haired man was kneeling behind her, his arms wrapped tightly and protectively around her neck and shoulders. The shorter man, who I noticed had piercing blue eyes, had thrown himself around Sara's thin waist. I took note that Sara had been even skinnier then than she was now, but she was nowhere near as muscular.

It was a cloudless day in the photo, the sky was a pure, crystalline blue and everyone was laughing. I couldn't help but wish that I had had a chance to see Sara so carefree.

The more somber Sara beside me pointed to the happier one in the photo, "That's me," she said unnecessarily, before pointing to the two men, "This is Matt," she indicated the man with the blue eyes, "and this is Warren." This time she meant the tall man with the blonde curls. Her voice became a choked whisper, "They are," she hiccupped, "uhh, they _were_ my best friends in the world."

She sighed and I said quickly, "Sara, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to…"

She shook her head, "No, it's okay. I want to talk about them, besides, if you're coming with me, you'll need to know."

Her brown hair fell into her face as she smiled at the picture once more, "We were the inseparable trio. This was taken nearly eleven years ago. I had been out of school and back in San Francisco for about two years. But this whole story starts three days after I first arrived, straight from Boston. Matt is my age," she explained her tone flat and yet filled with love, "and he had put an ad out for a roommate. Even though he had advertised for a male roommate, I answered the ad- his location and rent were exactly what I was looking for." Her voice picked up a bit of momentum here, "Long story short, he gave me a trial week and by the end of it we were attached at the hip- best friends forever. Warren is four years older than Matt and I. He was the manager at a twenty-four hour coffee place near my work. He basically adopted me and fed my caffeine addiction; we talked about everything. I used to go on first dates there so that if I wanted to escape, which I almost always did, he could come over and rescue me."

The thought of Sara dating threw me a bit. I just couldn't imagine it. But then I felt ashamed; of course she dated, she's young, she's beautiful- why wouldn't she? I nodded encouragingly for her to continue, forcing my thoughts on this subject to the back of my mind.

"One day, I asked Matt to meet me at Buzz24, the coffee shop, and I was late getting there so he wound up chatting with Warren. That's how my two best friends met. I guess I should mention at this point, that both Matt and Warren are gay."

I nodded, starting to see where this was going.

"Anyway, Warren fell hardcore for Matt. And Matt pretty much felt the same way, but he didn't date a lot and he was shy, so I ended up going out on their first several dates as a chaperone. I think it was on one of those dates that we went to this park, all three of us, for the first time." Sara gracefully tucked a wisp of hair behind one ear as she continued, "It didn't take long for them to fall in love. It didn't surprise me at all. I knew they were soul mates the second I came running into Buzz and saw them flirting at the bar. It was the forever kind of love, the kind everybody dreams of but you're hard pressed to name anyone who has it."

At that point they began boarding us and Sara fell silent again. It wasn't until we had left the runway and were flying high and level that we began to speak again, something still didn't work out in my brain, but I didn't want to push her. She seemed so fragile, I had never seen her express this kind of emotion. Her hand had been gripped tightly around my wrist as we took off, as it relaxed I decided to ask.

"Sara, you said something about children?" I said it quietly, gingerly, hoping to convey with my tone that I was only asking because I wanted to help.

Sara nodded and reached down to pull three more photos, loose this time and not in frames, out of her bag. She handed them to me. The first was of Sara and Matt and Warren again. Sara's hair was much shorter this time, ending just above her earlobes and the blue was gone. In one of the man's arms, Warren's I think, there was a little pink blanket with little white booties on one end and a tiny pink face on the other. "That's a few days after they brought Ayla home from the hospital. She was so tiny. Ayla Sara Holzman-Winger. Born April 3, 1997. 6 pounds, eleven ounces, twenty and a half inches long. She was perfect. And she was the best baby, all smiles and giggles."

I smiled at the amount of love in Sara's voice; she genuinely thought this was the best child in the world. I flipped to the next photo. It was of a similar scene, but this time Sara looked just as she does now and she was holding the little pink bundle in her arms. The shorter man, Matt, had a little girl with curly brown hair, dressed in pink overalls covered in strawberries, in his arms. He was holding her up so that she could see the baby in Sara's arms. Something about the little girl sent signals to my brain but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

"This is almost four years ago, it's the same thing but with Ayla's little sister Maggie; Magnolia Helena, that's my middle name too, Holzman-Winger. Born September 14, 2000. She was big, eight pounds, three ounces and nearly twenty-two inches long. And she had a set of lungs; knew just how to get her way. Still does. But she's adorable and very sweet."

I turned to the last photo and my breath hitched. Sara said quietly, "That was them three months ago when I last went for a visit."

I flipped back to the photo we had just been looking at, realizing what I hadn't been able to put my finger on before. The gap between the little girl, Ayla's, two front teeth as she grinned down at her baby sister. I returned to the last photo of the two little girls sitting on a picnic blanket, their faces right next to the camera. The smaller one, Maggie had dark smoky curls and grey eyes, but her freckles, her nose, her jaw seemed all too familiar. And Ayla's eyes were such a pure chocolate with flecks of green and gold. Her eyebrows. Her lips. And the unmistakable gap in her beautiful smile.

"Sara, these little girls look exactly like you!" The resemblance was too much to ignore. Even the way Ayla was already starting to shoot up, thin out and grow gangly limbs. The matching freckles on both girls faces. It was exactly how I would envision Sara as a child.

Sara only nodded and smiled absently, "They should, they're mine."

Silence.

I just stared at her, "What? You have children in California and you didn't tell anyone?"

Sara shook her head this time. "No, when I say that they're mine, I only mean in a genetic sense. When Matt and Warren had been together for a long time, they told me they wanted to have children. I was all for it. When they asked me to donate eggs, I agreed right away. I mean- they're my best friends! They implanted my eggs and Warren's sperm into a surrogate - and nine months later, Ayla was born. The same thing with Matt's sperm and my eggs for Maggie."

I just stared at Sara in amazement. "Sara, that's an incredibly generous thing to do. Even for my best friends, I don't know if I could do that."

Sara looked out the window. "Actually, it turns out that I couldn't. I love Matt and Warren. But as Ayla got older…she just looked just like me, you know? The only thing she has from Warren is the little bit of curl in her hair. I mean, you saw her, right? She even has the gap between her two front teeth. And the boys said that they loved that. They loved knowing that the three of us had created something so spectacular. But they were her Dads, and I was Aunt Sara and I didn't think I wanted more than that until one day…I did." I nodded my understanding, I know that I would never be able to watch as Lindsey went through life not knowing I was her mother.

"It was just so weird," Sara fiddled with the tray table, "knowing that there was a piece of me out there and I wasn't her mother, that I could never be that and would always be expected to just…stand on the sidelines. It was weird. I never thought of myself as wanting kids. With my job and my luck with relationships, it just didn't seem like it was meant to be. But then Ayla learned to walk and talk and I toilet-trained her and taught her the colors of the rainbow and rocked her to sleep on the nights when the boys went off for a romantic getaway."

We breaked to accept drinks from the cart passing by, I got a club soda and Sara took a cranberry juice.

"I started to notice things, things that she could only have gotten from me. She liked the stars and puzzles and laughed the same way I did. My heart began to ache when I was with her, and every time she called to me, 'Ant Saywa,' it threatened to break. So when Matt and Warren said that they wanted to use the rest of the eggs we had harvested to have another baby, I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through it again with another baby, another part of me. But of course I gave them my blessing, they were my everything and I wasn't going to stand in the way of their happiness."

Sara sighed as she shook the ice in her empty plastic cup. "Then Grissom called and offered me a job in Vegas and I took it. The boys didn't understand. They had thought I was happy. But I had only been torturing myself. So I missed most of Maggie's pregnancy and I only came down for few days when she was born. It was a bit easier. Maggie had almost black hair and her eyes were blue. But even when she was that small, I could see my nose on her. It was the way she scrunched it when she yawned. Just the way I do. My visits became less and less. Now I only go for a day or two every four to six months. I don't think the boys ever knew why I distanced myself."

I had listened quietly, nodding supportively when necessary. I could hear the heartache in Sara's voice with every word she admitted and I had a feeling that she had never told any of this to anyone before. And when I looked up from my drink, there were tears streaking down Sara's face. I pushed up the armrest between us and pulled her into an embrace, pushing her head to my shoulder, rocking her and running a hand through her soft hair.

I muttered comforting nothings into her ear just as I would with Lindsey and Sara was so awkward at it that I wondered if she had been held much as a little girl. "Shh, hey, baby…That's right…You're alright, honey…Hey, there, that's my girl…Just breathe, sweetheart." And the endearments just fell from my mouth as if I had always said them and it surprised me how much I liked the way they sounded on Sara. That despite the tension that was always between us at work, I really liked holding her in my embrace and I liked her firm arms wrapped around my waist.

As she calmed down, I drew nonsensical spirals and patterns on her upper arm. "There we go. That's better, hmm?"

And I smiled as she nodded and snuffled into the crook of my neck.

She sat up again, her eyes red and her face splotchy. She looked at me wide eyed and I found my heart pounding in my ears. I pushed it down and reached out to cup her chin with my hand and wipe the rest of her tears away with my thumb. She closed her eyes as I ran the pad of my thumb along her cheek and jaw bones before dropping my hand back to my lap.

"Catherine…I…"

And the tone of her voice said she was trying to articulate something important. But just then, the fasten-seat-belt sign lit up and the captain announced our final descent into San Francisco. Sara twisted in her seat and looked out the window, silent once again.

After a moment I ventured, "Sara?"

And she turned back to me. "Yeah?" Her voice was a whisper.

"What happened today?"

She looked out the window again and for a moment, I thought she wasn't going to answer. But then she started up and her voice was so soft that I had to lean in to hear her.

"I got a call around noon from Tony Winger, Matt's dad. He said that the whole family had been in a car crash, that the girls were okay and with Marie, his wife. He told me that Warren had died immediately- straight through the windshield." Sara shook her head and almost smiled, "Last time I was there, Ayla was always telling him to wear his seatbelt. If she had to wear one, she said, he did too. But Warren was always complaining of car sickness and saying that the belt hurt his stomach."

Sara began to fiddle with the hem of her shirt, "Tony said that Matt was in surgery for internal bleeding and head trauma and that they didn't know what was happening. The doctors wouldn't tell them anything. I told him not to worry, that I'd be on the next flight out and that we would work everything out when I got there." Sara's voice started to lose its certainty, "About an hour later he called and his voice was just awful. He said I didn't need to rush, that Matt was dead. There had been complications on the table somehow. And I had been holding it together okay before then but the sound of Tony's voice…we just cried together for who knows how long.

"And when I finally regained control, I asked how the girls were and he said that little Maggie didn't really get it- she's still only three, you know? But he said Ayla seemed to understand. He actually laughed, said she was acting just like I would. Comforting her little sister and not shedding a tear. Just hugging Maggie and rocking her back and forth. And he said that she had asked for me and wanted to know when I was coming to get them. And that's when I paused. I had completely forgotten just because it had seemed so unlikely that anything would ever happen to one, let alone both of my boys. But last year, Evelyn, Warren's mom passed away unexpectedly, and Marie had to have her hip replaced. Matt and Warren had asked if I would become the girls' legal guardian should they both…have something happen to them. Their parents were no longer a stable option. I agreed and I had to go down to see them to sign papers in front of a notary. And I remembered sitting and explaining to Ayla the way I would have wanted it explained to me. And she had been happy that she would be taken care of and not at all upset by the idea of her Dads dying. It had just seemed so improbable that anything would happen, none of us ever thought…"

Sara's voice drifted away on an invisible breeze and I put a supportive hand on her shoulder and squeezed, and when she looked at me her eyes were full of sorrow and loss, but also fear, "Catherine, how am I going to take care of them?" Her voice had a tinge of desperation that I had never heard there before, "I know I should be upset about Matt and Warren and I am but…I'm scared. They are going to need love and support and so many things and I don't know the first thing, but I have to take them…" Her breath was coming in ragged gasps now as she tried to fight off the tears. "I have to, I promised their Dads and I promised them and I just…"

Beneath us I could hear the landing gear dropping down, and once again I pulled her to me. "Sara, oh, Sara, shh…I know everything's really scary right now, but things will work out, you'll see. You're amazing with Lindsey and I know you'll be the same with these girls. And I'll be right here with you and I'll be right there when we get home, and we're going to work everything out."

"What if I can't?" she whispered in my ear and despite the situation, the sensation stirred up Goosebumps on the back of my neck. As I rubbed her back, a thought occurred to me and I wondered if I'd be pushing her too far.

But I decided to tell her anyway. I pushed her back and took both of her hands in both of mine as I started to talk, "Sara, when I found out that I was pregnant with Lindsey it was both the best and most terrifying moment in my life. What did I know about children and babies? And I fretted about it for nine months. But as soon as I held Lindsey in my arms, I wasn't so scared. I knew exactly what to do and I wasn't worried about the times that I wouldn't know what to do. I suddenly knew that I would figure it out as I went along and that everything would be okay."

Sara gave me a curious look as if to ask what the point of my story was and I took a deep breath, just as we touched down in San Francisco, I squeezed her hands and said, "Sara, you'll be fine, you'll know exactly what to do. I know that as soon as you take them in your arms that you'll feel safe and more confident. Sara; they're your children. Yours. Ayla and Maggie are your daughters. And whether they know it or not, you're their mother. And that bond holds no matter what."

Just as I suspected, this realization was too much for Sara and she suddenly looked like she was going to faint. I wrapped an arm around her waist and held her upright as we taxied in to the gate. Her shampoo smelled amazing and I took advantage of her glazed state to nuzzle into her neck before saying, "You're exhausted, baby, let's get you into bed and we'll drive wherever you want to go in the morning."

**I love feedback!! If I don't get enough…I may not post part 4! Mwahahaha!**


	4. Things to Ponder

**Okay, here ya go!**

**A/N: I know that this scenario has been done a few times but I hope I gave it enough of a twist. Besides, I needed it to add tension to the story. And don't lie to me, I know you like tension! **

Sara's expression was still glazed when we arrived at the gate, so I patiently took her hand and led her through the airport. From baggage claim, I called a hotel and booked us a room.

Sara still hadn't spoken when we got in the taxi. She was quiet the entire ride and only leaned heavily into my side. It occurred to me that in the last few hours, I had had more physical contact with Sara than I had had with her in perhaps our entire relationship before.

On some level I also registered how natural it felt to hold her in my arms but I excused the contact away. She was emotionally and physically exhausted; everyone would need a shoulder to lean on in her situation. What amazed me was that until recently, I would have thought that Sara Sidle would have been the exception.

By the time we got to the hotel, it was nearly five o'clock in the morning and pale sunlight was beginning to creep in through the windows. After drawing the shades, I led Sara to the bed closest to the bathroom. I removed her shoes and covered her with the blanket. Not thinking much of it, I leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead.

"Get some rest," I whispered, her eyes were already closing, "Just a few hours and then we'll go."

I still had enough energy to brush my teeth and take a quick shower. I emerged from the bathroom a little while later to see that Sara had kicked off her blankets and removed her socks and pants, leaving her in a black cotton tank top and navy blue boy shorts underwear. She was snoring lightly when I pulled the sheets up over her. Then I quietly padded over and disrobed similarly before tucking myself into the opposite bed.

It took me a while to fall asleep. I was too busy thinking of the events in Sara's life. I don't think I will ever be able to imagine the pain she must have felt everyday, just wondering what her children were doing, if they were okay. I know she tried not to think of them as hers, and I'm sure they had two very loving fathers, but even so. They are a part of her. Just like Lindsey is a part of me.

And the added guilt of feeling like she was betraying her best friends just by thinking things that were only natural for her to think? God, no wonder she was so miserable.

I finally drifted off around six, but my dreams were fragmented.

_Watching Lindsey from behind a thick glass pane, she starts to cross the street without looking and I yell out and bang on the glass but she doesn't hear me_…

The dream shifted.

_Sara, crying into my arms and my hands in her hair but then she stands up slowly, her face scant inches above my own, her lips are so full and I hear my pulse throb in my ears, I can feel the throbbing throughout my body. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is heavy, her hands are moving to my hips…_

_In front of me a car is flooding with water, "Lindsey!" I'm screaming and running towards the car. "What, Mom?" And Lindsey is right next to me holding two coffee cups, but she is older- at least twenty, maybe twenty-five. And I look in the car window and trapped inside is a little girl that looks just like Sara…but with curly brown hair…_

I was pulled hazily out of the dream by a soft touch on my back, "Hey, shh, Catherine. Calm down, baby, it was just a dream. You're okay." It was Sara's comforting whisper I heard, her strong hand rubbing circles into my back.

I don't think I thought twice before I reached back, my eyes still shut, and took her wrist, gently pulling her down as I turned to my side, so that she wound up lying behind me, her chest, torso, and legs parallel to my own. "Sara," I whispered sleepily, "I was so worried about you," I wrapped her arm around my waist and covered it with my own.

It was only after I had so unceremoniously pulled us into this position that I woke up enough realize what I had done. I could feel the uncertainty in Sara's posture and I stiffened in response. But it only took a second for Sara to adjust, pulling me closer and reaching her other arm up to nestle her fingers in my hair. I sensed her head lifting up behind me and I felt her lips pressed against my bare shoulder.

"Well, I'm right here, baby, and I'm not going anywhere," she whispered in my ear. It was comforting and I felt my nightmares fade away, "Go back to sleep. I'll watch over you. I'll be right here when you wake up."

Still in my sleep induced stupor, I relaxed into her and sighed, "Promise?"

"Promise," came the reply.

I fell back asleep at once, but this time it was a dreamless and peaceful sleep. When I woke up the second time it was to answer the blaring telephone.

"What?" I groaned.

My movement elicited an equally grumpy growl of protest from my sleeping partner. Not really remembering where I was, I giggled and gave in when I felt an arm slink around my waist and pull me back to my previous position, dragging the phone along with me.

"Good morning, Miss Willows," said an abnormally cheerful voice, "This is your complimentary call to inform you that check out is in thirty minutes."

"What?" I grumbled. "Check out isn't until one o'clock."

"That's right, Miss Willows," said the chirpy little songbird on the other end. I immediately vowed to steal whatever pills were making this woman this happy. "It is twelve-thirty on Thursday morning, the fifteenth of May in the year 2004!"

_Well now she's just being cheeky,_ I thought before the first part of her sentence sunk in. 12:30? How was it possible that I had slept for almost seven hours? I wasn't even that tired. But apparently I had been.

"Oh, okay, umm…thanks."

"You're quite welcome! Have a wonderful day."

"Whatever." 12:30 or not, it was way too early for me to be hospitable.

I tried to reach over and put the phone back into the receiver, but the arm around my waist, or rather the person attached to it, was having none of it. There was another groan of disapproval from behind me and the arm tightened around me as a knee pushed it's way between my legs and an ankle sneakily snaked around my calf, successfully capturing its prey.

Hmm…shaved legs. It had been a while since I had woken up in this position with a woman.

I laughed at the grumbling, "Come on, Sara. It's time to get up."

"No!" The voice was muffled in the pillows but still sounded like a petulant child.

And that's when it hit me. The whole night came rushing back to me. Sara. Sara Sidle. Sara Sidle spooning. Sara Sidle spooning with me, Catherine Willows. In. Our. Underwear. Shit!

I quickly reviewed the night in my head. We definitely fell asleep in separate beds. We definitely woke up in the same one. Yeah. I could feel fingernails lightly scratching my abdomen, one finger digging gently into my navel. Oh, boy. Definitely the same bed.

I needed to figure out what had happened and fast. _Think, Catherine, think!_

_I was sleeping, I was dreaming. Bad dreams; nightmares. And then the cool hand on my back and…_

I mentally kicked myself as I dimly remembered pulling Sara into my bed. _You brought this upon yourself, Catherine! _What was she thinking about me at this very moment? Probably how I must be completely insane. No, hold the phone…wasn't it her who pulled me back? She probably just doesn't realize where we are yet- who I am. Right. Great.

"Uhh…Sara?" I asked tentatively.

"Hmm?"

"It's 12:30, we need to get up. We have things to do today."

I felt Sara snuggle harder into the pillows, "Okay. Five more minutes."

"No, Sara, umm…we need to get up now. I don't think you know where you are, I just figured it out myself."

"What? Where am I, then?" The voice sounded curious, but the body made no move except to stop rubbing my stomach.

"In bed." It was all I could get out, my throat had constricted.

"Yeah…" I had the feeling Sara already knew that much.

Okay, how to say this? "Umm…in San Francisco?"

There was a pause. I could almost hear Sara doing the math. The day yesterday; the flight last night; the sleeping situation.

"Catherine?" The face was still buried in the pillows and besides her limbs suddenly stiffening, there still was no other movement.

"Uhh…yeah." I couldn't decide if I should be apologetic or not.

"What are you- oh." The memories seemed to be flooding back to her.

"Yeah."

"Its 12:30?"

"Probably more like quarter to one," My tone changed as I remembered what was in store for the day, "We have to check out in fifteen minutes, we might want to get dressed, I already showered when we first got in."

"Oh." Sara started to stir. When she sat up, her warm manner from the minute before was gone. She turned to me, "Could you get everything together and check out? That way I can take a shower."

"Absolutely."

Our quiet way of exchange from the day before seemed to have returned. I moved to the other side of the bed, got up and went to my suitcase. I pulled out a fresh pair of jeans, a red spaghetti tank and a white linen shirt. Slipping them on, I turned to see that Sara hadn't moved from her side of the bed and had been watching me dress.

Not really wanting to address the butterflies in my stomach at that idea, I said, "Sara, we need to get going…I'll go check out and order another cab."

Sara nodded, the hollow expression returning to her eyes.

I stuffed my clothes into my rolling suitcase, taking both it and my purse and heading toward the door.

"Actually, Catherine?"

"Yes?"

Sara smiled a bit. "We don't need a cab."

"We don't?"

She shook her head, "Nope, can you ask the front desk to get the number for Timothy and Lawrence Lester? I'll be down in a minute."

I just nodded and walked towards the elevator. I didn't bother asking what Sara was up to; I figured I would find out very soon.

Ten minutes later, Sara emerged from the elevator, hair wet, wearing black jeans, and a dark green tank top. I silently handed her the post-it with the number she had requested. I had spent several tedious minutes with Becky, aka Miss Sunshine May 15th, 2004, trying to locate it. Sara thanked me and took it, reaching for her cell and heading outside, her bag over her shoulder.

I sat on a bench and watched Sara pace up and down the sidewalk as she talked quietly into her phone. After assessing that she would be on her cell for a while, I took the time to call Nancy. I told her that I had gotten in safely and asked about Lindsey. I said I'd call to kiss her goodnight and hung up just as Sara did.

She came to stand against a pillar across from my bench. "I have a ride coming, should be here in twenty minutes or so."

It was not lost on me that she was cautiously looking everywhere but me. _Was she uncomfortable about this morning?_ I knew I was. Maybe last night's events were just catching up with her again.

"Old friends?" I asked, wondering what other people would drop everything to come pick up someone who needed to look their number up in the phonebook.

Sara nodded, "Tim and Larry Lester, I've known them for several years. They've always called themselves my fairy godfathers. We met over one of my first cases. They actually weren't involved except that they were the neighbors of a victim of an erotic asphyxiation accident. I was still new at it, and when they saw how white I was after processing the scene, they invited me in for a cup of coffee. At two in the morning! After that I guess they felt responsible for me, taking me out for fancy dinners and kidnapping me for weekends to Cape Cod or Mexico."

I raised my eyebrows over the tops of my sunglasses at the idea of such decadence.

"They've got quite a bit of money," Sara explained, "they created a chain of smoothie shops around the city about twenty years ago. They sold it about five years ago and made a fortune. Now they just travel around, but they're always here for the spring. They're the ones that helped Warren to open his own coffee shop. It had always been his dream and Tim and Larry helped finance it in the beginning and have kept consulting with him ever since."

She stared out at the road, falling quiet after mentioning Warren. I wanted to hold her hand but I was nervous because of the sleeping incident. Instead I asked, "So who's picking us up?"

"Hmm?" She was staring off into space, "Oh, no. They aren't picking us up, they're dropping off my car."

"Your car?"

"Yeah. When I lived here, I had two cars; I had the garage space for them. But when I moved to Las Vegas it was a lot of extra money to pay for two parking spaces in my building. I had to leave one car here. I left it with Larry and Tim. They're both coming and leaving my car with me."

She lapsed back into silence again and I let her. There were a lot of things on my mind as well. Sara had had a life in San Francisco. A happy one, it would seem. She had friends here, people who loved her and wanted to protect her. It must have been so hard for her to leave, but I could understand why she did it.

I thought about the photo of her lying on the grass in that skimpy little dress, utterly relaxed and laughing. She had changed so much by the time she came to us. Or had she changed once she had arrived? I couldn't really remember.

Deep in thought, I didn't see the car that pulled into the parking lot until it was parked parallel with my bench. I did notice when the round, white bearded man got out of the driver's seat, dressed all in loose white linen, and came around the back of the car. Sara hadn't moved from her post, leaning against the pillar; her back was to me.

The man looked at her for a long moment before stepping onto the sidewalk and opening his arms to her.

**Reviews? I like reviews.**


	5. Getting to Know You

**Alright, there is really no point to this chapter plot-wise. And I know everybody really wants to meet the girls. But, that's not going to happen until next chapter. I hope you like this one though…**

The man was easily several inches shorter than Sara, he was probably about my height. He was also a great deal vaster than the woman in his arms, but she just let him wrap his arms around her waist and lift her off the ground. She had thrown her arms around his neck and buried her face in his beard the moment he stepped up on the curb.

"Hey there, Sticks. Been awhile, eh?" The man spoke softly, with an affected New England accent.

Sara just nodded and sniffed. I hadn't realized that she had been crying.

The man set her back down on the ground and rubbed her arm soothingly while simultaneously rubbing her back. "Now, now," he said, his voice paternal and loving. "Come on, Bird, pull yourself together, you're embarrassing an old man."

Bird? Sticks? Was I the only one here who knew her name?

The man looked over Sara's shoulder at me; standing beside the bench, watching the exchange. He had blue eyes that were magnified by thick glasses. He winked at me. "Sticks, if you don't quit this latching on I'm afraid for what will happen to your beautiful friend here. She's already sick with worry."

I hadn't even realized I was frowning. But it got Sara to straighten up, wipe her eyes and look at me. She sniffed loudly. I automatically crossed to her and touched her arm, forgetting the events that had taken place upstairs, "Hey, baby, enough of that. I promise I'll let you cry it all out again later."

She smiled weakly at me but she managed to lift an eyebrow, "Promise?" she asked slyly.

I blushed and looked at the concrete, remembering that this had gone the other way last time, "Promise." I whispered.

I felt her hand on my chin and when I looked up I saw several things in her expression. There was still sadness and despair, and I wanted to make those go away but I knew couldn't. There was also concern and hope and gratitude. "Hey." She said and pulled me into a hug. Until now, I had initiated all of our contact and it suddenly felt good to have her arms around me for a change. "Thanks for everything, okay?"

I just nodded into her neck. When I looked into her eyes again I saw something else…I felt my breath hitch; no, no, no. That was not there, it was just tears and, and- my thoughts were interrupted by a coughing sound and the shuffling of sandals on pavement.

"Sara, dear, are you not going to introduce me to this lovely young lady?" For some reason, this man's words made me blush. I received this type of compliment all the time, but the way this man said it, with a twinkle in his eye, made me feel like a little girl again.

Sara took my hand, pulling me to her side and gesturing at the man, "Catherine Willows, meet Lawrence Lester. Larry, this is Catherine Willows. She's a work colleague and…and a friend."

I felt a slight pang that Sara had hesitated at the word 'friend,' after these last few months, didn't she think of me as a friend? Surely she knew that I considered her to be one of my closest friends. Did she think I would have offered to come if I only thought of her as my co-worker? As entertainment for my daughter? We would have to find a time to discuss our relationship, but this was not it.

I held out my hand to the man. Instead of shaking it, he took it in both of his and brushed his lips across it. This caught me off guard a bit, but from this man, it just seemed like the only course of action available.

"Charmed, I'm sure, Lady Catherine." His eyes sparkled.

I had to smile, this man was clearly a character, "Likewise."

"Where's Tim?" Sara asked.

"Oh, you know him, puttering around with his beloved espresso machine. I told him we would just meet him back at the house. That way you can leave off your things and pick up the car. Have you spoken with the Wingers?" He moved to put our luggage in the trunk and I assisted him.

Sara shook her head gravely, "Not since last night. I suppose I should." The tone of her voice was heavy.

"Yes, you should, my dear." Larry patted Sara comfortingly on the shoulder and moved to the driver's seat. I got the feeling that in some ways, Larry was more of a father figure to Sara, than a friend.

When I moved to sit in the back he protested, "No, no, you sit up here with me, my dear Lady Catherine."

I looked at Sara, "Is that okay?"

She nodded, "Go ahead, I'll be fine." And with that, she slipped into the back.

I took the front seat and buckled in.

The drive was a pleasant one. Before long, we were on a road that followed the coast. Periodically, Larry would point something out and ask Sara if she remembered a certain event. Sara would nod, sometimes she would elaborate. After a while, Larry started to ask me questions.

"So, Catherine, you work at the crime lab in Las Vegas?"

"Yes."

"And what do you do there?"

"I'm a CSI, like Sara."

"Ah, do you have a specialty?"

"I guess, technically, I specialize in blood spatter patterning, but mostly we all do a little bit of everything."

"I see. Now, tell me dear, do you work the nightshift as well?"

"Yep. It's actually better than working days because I get to be around when my daughter comes home from school."

"Yes, I think Sara mentioned you had a daughter. Sara has grown quite fond of her…"

And so on. I told him about Lindsey and about night school, leaving out details about Eddie and my past life as dancer. Sara sat quietly in the back, staring out the window. I watched her grow more despondent in the mirror as we drove, and at one point, I reached back with one arm to lightly brush her knee. She caught my hand and held it in her own for a moment, a fact that did not go unnoticed by Larry or my rapidly beating heart.

Larry's house was enormous. A sprawling white modern building built into a cliff that overlooked the ocean. There was a pool, a Jacuzzi, two very large decks, and a four-car garage. I was told that the flat roof was also a stargazing point complete with telescope. The inside was all hard woods and tile with many large windows that left it open to the beautiful weather we were having. The enormous kitchen had an island and a bar as well as the biggest, most expensive espresso machine I have ever seen. And by the smell of things, it had been hard at work.

"Timothy, dear, I have brought you a gift!" Larry shouted into the open rooms by the kitchen as Sara and I lay our things on the floor and took seats at the bar stools.

"Is it gift wrapped?!" Came the singsong reply, but its source remained invisible.

"Come and see for yourself."

"Coming!"

Bare-footed steps could be heard coming down the hall and a moment later, a short Asian man in his late-forties, early fifties, floated into the room. His orange linen pants billowed out on either side of him, and he wore an orange and navy robe patterned with lotus blossoms and coy fish that ended mid-thigh.

"Sara! Look at you!" He held out his arms and theatrically embraced her, "Look at this G.I Jane outfit!" He pulled away and gestured at her clothes, "And these muscles!" He exclaimed, grabbing her arms, "I can't believe you've gone so butch! You just need to shave your head and…" That's when he spotted me and grinned, "Is this the little femme you've picked up to complete the new look? She's a little mamasita, isn't she?"

"What?" Sara jumped about six feet off the ground.

I turned about ten different shades of red and promptly looked at the floor.

"Timothy!" Larry admonished, "Can you not behave yourself for two seconds? Honestly, you embarrass me to no end. I don't know why I let you talk to other people." Larry looked at me, "Do forgive my partner, my dear, he sometimes forgets he can't just say whatever her wants. Timothy, I can't believe you…"

As Larry continued to berate his lover, I snuck a glance at Sara. She was bright red, too. "Sorry." She mouthed to me.

I shook my head, "It's okay." I mouthed back. When I turned to the two men, Timothy was looking like a guilty child.

"I apologize. I didn't mean to say anything rude." He held out a hand, "I'm Tim. And I didn't mean anything by the 'femme' comment, I just like to tease Sara."

I gladly shook his hand, not really upset, just surprised, and more than a little curious. How much had he been teasing Sara? Had he been teasing her about the whole lesbian scenario? Or just about going butch? Did Sara like women? Suddenly, that information seemed vitally important. She had certainly seemed comfortable in bed this morning before she realized who she had her arms around. I shivered, remembering the leg that had been thrust between my own. And then I shook myself. No, no, no. This was not the time or place to be thinking these things. Definitely not.

It turned out that Tim had made us lunch and, of course, espresso, so we ate out on their terrace that overlooked the ocean. It was beautiful. Despite the melancholy tone of the meal, I couldn't help but think that I would love to live by the water someday. It was simply breathtaking. Larry said that he had lived on some ocean or other for his entire life and that it pained him to be away from the sea for even a few days. I could understand why. I was familiar with the large lakes of Nevada, Colorado, and Montana, but I had only seen the ocean a handful of times. It was just beautiful.

After lunch, Sara finally called Tony Winger to let him know she had arrived and that she would be staying with Tim and Larry. She said that he sounded exhausted. I suggested that we offer to go over there and make dinner for them since the last couple of days of taking care of the girls must have been hard on two older people.

Reluctantly, Sara agreed. I could tell that she was dreading seeing them and having to accept that her two best friends were actually dead. I also knew that she was nervous about seeing the two little girls. I vowed to get her through this in one piece.

Tim showed us to the guest room. It was large and had two full sized beds and a patio that hung over a cliff. With the windows and doors open, you could hear the waves crashing below. The sheer drapes blew lazily in the afternoon breeze. Sara was still very exhausted, so I left her in the room to get a little more sleep and rejoined Larry outside. I asked him to tell me more about Matt and Warren and what they had been like. I wanted to understand more about Sara's old life.

"Well, now, let me see…" the older man adjusted his glasses and took a sip of his mojito, "I first met Warren and Matt about eight years ago- right about the time they found out they decided to have Ayla. Warren was about thirty and Matt around twenty-five or so. Warren was a very driven young man with hopes of being his own boss and getting into the coffee business. Matt was a lot like Sara; young, stubborn, self-deprecating, but at the same time confident, and passionate. He was never as bright as Sara nor as driven as Warren, but he made up for it in soul and strength of character. You would never meet a kinder man- or a more loving partner."

Larry crunched on his ice, "He was also Sara's best friend."

"I thought they both were."

"Don't misunderstand me, Sara loved them both, and equally. But Matt was the one she was a kindred spirit with."

"And Warren?"

"Warren was more of an older brother, an advisor. She told him her secrets and he helped her through heartache and times of trouble. Matt got her to open up and have fun now and then. They got into lots of trouble- even after Ayla was born and Matt became a responsible father. When they were together, it was like two teenagers instead of two adults."

"Sara doesn't have anyone like that in Las Vegas. She's always the strong stoic one. She hardly ever loses face, she keeps her walls up pretty tight."

"But you are her friend." Larry commented, I could tell he was studying me.

"Sort of." I tried to think of how to word it, "Sara and I are…nearly friends. I would love for us to be closer and I always knew we had the potential to be great friends, but…something holds her back. It used to be me, but now that we don't fight so much, I don't know what it could be."

"I wouldn't worry about it so much. Sticks has always had difficulty establishing firm friendships with women. You're here and that says a lot."

"She invited me, sort of. She was going to invite me but before she got the chance, I invited myself."

Larry laughed, "That's the way to handle Sara- don't take no for an answer. I knew I liked you, Lady Catherine. Don't worry if it takes a while for her to open up. It's patience. If, like you said, she wanted you here- if she invited you over anyone else…that means something. Just don't let her get away."

I smiled, "I don't intend to. I'm so happy to finally be the one she runs to…I'm going to do my best to keep it that way."

"Good." Larry looked at his watch, "It's nearly five. You should go wake up Sara. I'll have Tim pull her car out of the garage. We've kept it in good condition, even if it costs a fortune to maintain. I hope she'll be pleased."

"What kind of car is it?" I asked, curious.

Larry smiled, "Come and take a look."

He escorted me out to the four-car garage and pointed to the last car. Wow. I walked forward in awe and ran my hand reverently along the shiny red hood, "1957 T-Bird convertible? Are you kidding me? This was my father's dream car- hell; this is everyone's dream car. Do you know how much these things run?"

Larry laughed, "Of course, my dear. Timothy and I bought it for Sara when she finally became a CSI. Of course, she had to keep a second car- no place to put all of your CSI gadgets in this one, but it was worth it."

"No wonder she loves you." I joked, "Do you want to adopt me?"

Larry smiled, "Absolutely, my lady. But there's a five year waiting period for red convertibles."

"I'll just have to cozy up with the owner of this one then, think she'll give me a ride?"

"You'll have to ask nicely." Larry looked at his watch, "And you better ask now."

I smiled at him as I headed off to wake sleeping beauty.

The car did handle like a dream. It took all of the curves and twists of the California coastline like it was rolling down butter. It would have been a lovely drive if Sara hadn't been so tense. I tried to talk to her several times, but she had clammed up. So instead of talking, I just rubbed her arm and watched the sea.

By the time we arrived outside the Wingers' condo, Sara was in a downright panic. She was pale, her knuckles were white with the pressure she was putting on the wheel, and I could hear her jaw clenching. Oh, boy.

I eased a hand up her arm and let it rest on her shoulder. "You wanna talk about it? Maybe smooth out those feathers?"

Sara shook her head and rested her forehead on the steering wheel, "You don't even want to know what I'm thinking. Every thought in my head right now is completely selfish and the fact that I know it is only making me feel worse."

I rubbed her back, "Tell me."

She turned her neck to look at me, "Tony and Marie just lost their son and son-in-law- who might as well have been their child. Ayla and Maggie just lost their fathers. All I lost were two friends that I had been drifting away from for awhile. And all I can think about is how I'm never going to see them again." Hot tears were streaming down her face as she sat back, still looking at me, "I know I have to be the solid one, here. But, how am I supposed to go in there and be supportive when I can't even begin to comprehend that this has really happened? How can I console Tony and Marie? How can I tell those girls that everything is going to be all right? Everything isn't all right!"

I put my arms around her, rubbing her back, "No, no…Of course not. Everything isn't all right. It shouldn't be. But who's expecting you to be so strong? Sara, I don't think Matt's parents are expecting you to be their rock. I think they just want someone around who can understand their loss- who loved their son and his partner."

She pulled back and looked at me hopefully.

"As for the girls; they just need someone to hold them. They're going to be confused and scared. They won't really be processing that their fathers are dead; they just need love. You can give that to them, Sara. Just be there for them like you were there for my daughter."

At this, Sara, sniffed and nodded, "Thanks, Cat. I guess I really needed to hear that."

I smiled at her and patted her leg, "I'll always be here to remind you of it. Now let's go."

**Close your eyes. You are getting very sleepy. When I count to three you will immediately want to write a review! 1…2…3…!**


	6. The Girls and the Bubble Before the Boil

**A/N: So, I'm really sorry this took so long! Updates should be much more regular now. I was suffering writer's block. You guys are the greatest, thank you for the wonder reviews (keep them coming). And as a gift for being so patient I've made this one extra long and I promise to have another chapter up by tomorrow night.**

**Disclaimer: I own them. I really do. They are all mine. Oh, no- no, wait, they're not. I was confusing them with the many other television characters I do own. Oh, no- no, wait; no I wasn't. I don't own them either. Damn. That's okay, I spend most of my life in a different universe anyway.**

We were met at the door by a pretty woman in her mid-thirties with chin-length black hair and blue eyes- the same piercing blue as those on the man I had seen in Sara's photo. She smiled grimly at Sara and pulled her into a hug.

"Hey, Sticks," she whispered. _There was that nickname again._ She kissed the side of Sara's face. It was a familial peck, nothing more. Still, the jealousy was tangible as it rolled down my spine. _Not the time; don't think about it, not happening. _Mentally, I stuck my fingers in my ears, shut my eyes tightly, and sang la-la-las at the top of my lungs, telling the that part my brain very firmly; _I can't hear you!!!_

When they pulled apart the woman looked to me.

Sara took my wrist in her hand, "Cath, this is Molly Winger, Matt's sister. Molly, this is my friend and colleague, Catherine Willows."

I tried to nod encouragingly and keep my face straight, but inside I was glowing. She called me her friend! I mean, I knew we were friends before but now it's like…official.

Molly smiled awkwardly. I knew how she felt. What was the right protocol for this situation? 'Hi, I don't know you and I've never met your family, but my friend was best friends with your dead brother and his lover. Mind if I come in and whip up some dinner?' See? It just doesn't sound right.

I also didn't want to say something like, 'I'm sorry for your loss.' That's what we say to victim's families. It's so impersonal and cheap. You're not sorry, not in the way they need you to be. You feel bad about it, but in the end it's no skin off your back. You didn't know the person. And I didn't know Matt or Warren. But this is different. This is Sara and her family. I will be here, as long she needs me.

"Why don't we go inside?" Molly finally suggests. "I know Mom and Dad will be glad to see you, Sara. And Ayla's been asking for you since…" she trailed off with sad eyes. Without finishing her sentence, she turned around and went in.

Sara looked at me and she had this fearful expression that twisted in my heart.

She still had a hold on my wrist, so I wiggled my hand into hers and squeezed. "No worries, right?" I smiled reassuringly.

That seemed to relax her again. "Right."

Inside was your standard one story condo- the kind all retired people seem to flock to. I walked in hesitantly, feeling exactly like the intruder I was. I wasn't just walking into these people's house for the first time; I was walking into their lives on the worst day possible. But I stood tall, determined to see this through and keep my promise to the woman holding tight to my arm. I looked around as Sara led me through to the kitchen.

Tony and Marie Winger were probably very interesting, exciting people. On their walls I saw photographs of them scuba diving and bungee jumping when they were younger. Photos of them skiing just recently as well as posing in front of Niagara Falls with their two grown children. It seemed Tony had flown planes for the US during WWII and their were many pictures of Marie, a camera around her neck, surrounded by and playing with half naked and woefully thin smiling African children.

They were probably fascinating people. On any day but today. Today they were a broken old man and woman who had lost their only son. When they greeted Sara they swept her up in their arms as if she was one of their own. And when Molly introduced me, they were equally kind. They spoke to us for several minutes. They tried, politely, to include me in their conversation, but it quickly devolved into things that either I couldn't understand, had no right to know, or didn't want to intrude in.

I felt it the second Sara released her grip on my arm. She seemed to be doing fine on her own, now that she was actually here. I figured that they all had a lot to talk about, and that none of it concerned me. So, on a hunch, I followed my curiosity and the quiet sounds of a TV into another room, leaving Sara to fend for herself.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

In front of the TV, on the floor, sat a little girl with chin-length hair that, in the stark light of the television, appeared black. She was watching Muppet Treasure Island, one of Lindsey's favorite kid's movies, and laughing at a dancing Tim Curry. She wore a pink, floral dress with a white sweater and a matching white headband; though what it was meant to do to her thick, unruly hair, I have no idea. This had to be Maggie.

When she saw me, she immediately stopped bouncing along and turned on her knees to face me. She cocked her head to one side and furrowed her brow like I was a mystery. "Who are you?"

I smiled at her and bent to my knees. "I'm Catherine. And I bet you're Maggie, right?"

She beamed at me, her cherub face the definition of merriment. She was a sly one. "Uh-huh."

"And I bet you're…five years old, right?"

My words did what they were supposed to. She scrunched her nose and giggled, falling back on her butt. She delighted in being confused for an older child. "No!" Sara was right- she did scrunch her nose the exact same way.

"No?" I smiled and reached out to tickle her stomach. "How old are you?"

She held up three fingers. "This many!"

"That many? Wow! And how many will you be next year?"

She held up four fingers proudly.

"That's right."

"Where's Gram?" Her eyes were a stormy blue-green-grey that held a twinkle that seemed familiar. But it wasn't Sara's. Hmm.

"She's in the kitchen talking with Sara." I sat down cross-legged on the carpet.

"Sara's here?" This came from an altogether different voice. A throatier voice. I turned towards its source.

Curled into the corner of the sofa, her legs tucked up under her body, dressed in a grey three-quarter length top and denim overalls, and sporting round rimless glasses, sat Sara. Or what Sara would look like if you threw her in the drier on too hot a cycle. This Sara was only four and a half feet tall. Ayla. How had I not noticed her there reading her book?

When I met her eyes I was unprepared for what I saw. Suddenly, I was transported back to the lab and I was watching from behind the door as Sara cried her eyes out in the back of the locker room. We had had a case with another dead child or raped and murdered woman and she just couldn't take it anymore. The door creaked loudly and her head whipped around. Freeze. That right there. It was the exact same piercing look. She was deeply sad, very frightened, and ready to deny it with everything she had.

I had spent the last six months working my way through Sara's walls. Now, it seemed, I would have to get through Ayla's. Something told me that today was not the day for that. I sighed.

"Yes, she's here but she's talking in the kitchen for a few minutes; I'm sure she'll come in soon. I'm her friend. My name is Catherine."

The seven year-old didn't say anything; she just narrowed her eyes at me. Damn. This girl had just about mastered the famous Sidle death glare. But she was only seven, so I could easily see past it to the frightened and confused little girl beneath.

There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned back to see a curious Maggie tugging at my earrings. "You have two!"

I quickly took her hands away before I spent the rest of the night in the emergency room. "That's right. I have two earrings in that ear. I have three in the other."

She looked at me confusedly and I realized that until yesterday this little girl had been raised by two men. Earrings could very well be alien to her. "How?"

I smiled, grateful for the distraction from the 'Ayla dilemma.' I removed the two posts from my ear and spent the next few minutes explaining as best I could in simple language how you went about getting two holes. From the corner of my I could see Ayla peaking over her book, hanging on my every word. I knew better than to ask her to come over.

"How come?" Maggie had none of the uncertainty of her older sister. She seemed to trust me immediately. But she was also only three and too young to understand fully what it meant that her dads had died.

"Well," I said, as I put the earrings back in. "I got these first ones when I was a tiny baby- no choice in the matter. And then when I was twenty I had rebellious streak and decided to get the second ones." _Among other things._ "And I got the third one a few years ago." I didn't feel the need to mention that the third hole was my 'good job on leaving your husband' present to myself.

"I want them, too." Oh, my god. She had the cutest pouty face in the whole world. Still does. She could sweet talk an ATM.

"Well, kiddo, I'm not in charge of that. But we'll see." I touched the side of her face. She was so sweet. I'd known her for fifteen minutes and I was already in love with her.

"Knock, knock."

I turned around to see a softly smiling Molly Winger. I returned the smile.

"I see you've met the girls."

I nodded.

Maggie put her arms around my neck. "Aunt Mawee, this is Catrin. She has two holes in her ear! And earrings too! I love her! Can I have earrings too?"

I smiled and pulled her into my lap.

"Someday you can probably have earrings Maggie, but not today." Molly looked over to the silent girl on the sofa who was carefully ignoring our conversation. "Ayla, there's somebody here who really wants to see you…"

The brown-haired girl looked expectantly at the door, even putting down her book.

I looked at the door too, just as Sara came through it. Wow. From down on the floor she seemed very tall. Her legs were really long. Those jeans just made her frame look amazing. _Focus, Cath! Her eyes are puffy from crying and you're what? Ogling her? Get it together._

"Sara?" The name was spoken in a disbelieving whisper from across the room.

My head was turning back and forth watching the exchange. Sara just nodded her head and, momentarily ignoring both Maggie and me, made her way the botanical print sofa and the little girl on it.

The long-legged brunette sat beside her smaller counterpoint, oddly enough curling her own striped-socked feet beneath her in the same fashion as the girl. Side by side, the resemblance was almost scary. The only difference that I could see was that Ayla's hair was long and in two thick braids down her back. She was also wearing glasses, but those came off when she stopped reading.

"Hey, sweetie." Sara was whispering too, now. Cautiously, she put her palm on Ayla's cheek and then moved it two the back of her neck and tugged lightly. It was all the invitation Ayla needed to launch herself into Sara's lap and break down into drawn-out, painful sobs. Tears came to my eyes just to hear her in such pain.

Sara looked at me and I could tell she was about to panic. I shook my head at her and then took Maggie in my arms and nodded for her to do the same to Ayla. She looked hesitant, like she thought something horrible would happen if she did what I was suggesting. I nodded again, trying to reassure her.

Again, cautiously, she wrapped the wailing girl up in her embrace. Ayla only held on tighter and cried more. After a minute, I could visibly see Sara relax into the position. She began to rock Ayla gently and to kiss her forehead repeatedly. She didn't tell her to stop crying, she didn't promise everything was going to be all right. In fact, she began to cry again herself. I'm sure she had imagined herself to be all cried out.

"Maggie," I whispered to the tiny girl in my arms, "Would you like to help me cook dinner for everybody?"

The little girl nodded, "Can we have macaroni?"

I stood and took her hand, "Well, you can have macaroni, but I think we'll make something else for the grown-ups, okay?"

"Okay."

So Maggie sat on the counter as I cooked. Molly helped me to find everything and then she set the table. Marie came in to thank me several times and to apologize for the inconvenience. I felt like such an outsider intruding on their privacy and here she was apologizing.

Maggie was wonderful. She was so sweet and funny. I could tell that she didn't really understand what had happened to her dads. She was just three years old, though the long term memory becomes fixed at age one, most studies have shown that children under the age of four rarely retain concrete memories. My heart broke when I thought that. She wasn't going to remember her parents. Losing Eddie had been awful on Linds, but at least she wasn't an orphan, and at least she would always remember the fun she had with her dad.

Dinner was a quiet affair. I kept it simple; grilled chicken, broccoli, and rice for the adults and macaroni and cheese and broccoli for the girls. Sara had seitan instead of chicken. I'd never actually cooked it before, but it turned out to be fine.

There wasn't much talking. Ayla clung to Sara like a shadow and kept one hand on her arm for the entire meal. The Wingers just looked lost. Occasionally, Maggie, who was next to me, would try to liven up the conversation, but after receiving half-hearted replies the first few times, she began to grow restless and sulky.

Poor girl. Here she was, just trying to make everyone feel better, she didn't understand entirely why they were sad, and no one seemed to appreciate her efforts. To top it all off, she was tired and cranky and no one was paying any attention to her. Her expression was pouty and distraught; her lip began to quiver. Sensing a tantrum, I pulled her out of her seat and into my lap.

"Sweetie, what do you say we go watch the rest of Muppet Treasure Island, okay? And then we can get ready for bed?"

Solemnly, the little dark head nodded.

I looked out at the rest of the group, "Don't worry about the dishes, I'll come out and get them in a little while." I hesitated before asking, "Ayla, would you like to come with us?"

The girl scowled and shook her head vehemently. I was sure she saw me as some kind of impostor, and I didn't blame her.

Standing and hoisting Maggie, who was now clinging to me like a monkey, onto my hip, I simply said, "Okay, well, you know where we'll be."

"Don't worry about the dishes, Cath," Sara smiled weakly at me. It was the first time I'd heard her voice in a couple hours, it sounded weightier than normal, "I'll take care of them." Ayla tugged on her arm and Sara bent down, she smiled again and corrected, "Ayla and I will take care of them."

I nodded and went off to the TV room.

A half and hour later, I found myself lying on the sofa with my arms wrapped around a drowsy, dozing, drooping three year-old. I missed this. I missed Lindsey when she was this small. Don't get me wrong, sassy, pre-teen, 'don't touch me in front of my friends,' 'you don't need to kiss me goodnight anymore,' Lindsey was great; barrel of fun. But there's just something about having that little body next to you, so trusting and innocent, that just makes my heart swell with maternal warmth and contentment. It's as if being able to instill that sense of security and love in another human being gives you the ability to do anything at all.

Suddenly, I was knocked from my thoughts by a loud crash; the sound of something shattering. The noise startled Maggie as well, and she sat up from her stupor, managing to ram her head into my jaw before she burst into tears. Her little coughing sobs were heartbreaking; I never could stand to hear Lindsey cry.

"Shush, shush," I wrapped Maggie up in my arms, "It's okay, shh."

For the second time, I heard something break and then a yell. Lifting Maggie up and swaying her back and forth, I carried her with me into the other room to see what was going on. When I entered the kitchen, I found Sara alone and sweeping what appeared to be the remains of two plates into a dustpan.

I bounced Maggie on my hip and kissed her forehead when she leaned into me. Never stopping my rocking motion I asked, "What happened?"

Sara shook her head, "Ayla and I were doing the dishes. I passed her one to put in the dishwasher and she accidentally dropped it." Sara looked at me with a bewildered but tired expression, "You should have seen her face, like she had just committed a mortal sin or something. I tried to tell her it was okay, that it was just a plate, but…I don't know what happened, but the next thing I knew, she picked up another plate off the counter and threw it against the cabinet. Then she screamed and ran out." A stormy expression crossed her features, "Molly went after her."

Sara stood up and tossed the porcelain fragments in the trash. She shrugged and ran a tired hand through her hair. She shrugged wearily, "Everything seemed to be going so well."

I felt Maggie's head begin to droop against my shoulder just as my arm began to ache with the weight of her. I switched her to the other hip where she settled in just as well. I touched Sara's arm, "She needs time, just like you. She'll have her good moments and she'll have her not so good ones. Right now, she's tired, she's overwhelmed, she's put off by my presence and relieved by yours. The emotions running through her would be enough to confuse any adult- they're just too much for her. You'll see, all she needs is time, and you. She loves you and trusts you. She needs your love and support."

Sara nodded, but instead of looking relieved, she looked even more troubled. I frowned. Was there something she wasn't telling me? At that moment, Molly appeared in the doorway looking just as tired as everyone else.

"Well, she's asleep. Granted, she cried herself there, but at least she's asleep. She wouldn't say a word to me. She's barely strung two words together the last few day, except to ask when Sara was coming." Molly looked at Sara and a silent communication I could not identify passed between them.

"Molly," I asked, interrupting their little staring contest, "could you show me where the girls are sleeping? I think Maggie is out for the count and I'd like to get her down. I promised my daughter I'd call to say goodnight."

Molly nodded and took me down the hall to a guest room.

Tiptoeing inside, I gently lay the little girl on the bed and went through the drawers to pick out some pajamas. As I was pulling on the pj pants, Maggie stirred.

She rubbed her eye, "Cafrin?" she whispered.

"Shh, little one. It's time for bed." For some reason, this seemed to upset her.

"No!" she whined, tearily fighting sleep.

"Yes, sweetheart, time to go to sleep."

She sobbed squeakily, "No! I want Daddy and Papa!"

My heart broke. Trying not to wake the slumbering girl on the other side of the bed, I climbed up and held Maggie tightly. "I know, baby, I know you do."

"Nana says," she choked, "Nana says that they're not coming back."

I hugged her tighter and shook my head, "No, sweetheart, they're not."

She sobbed again, "Why?"

I felt tears fill my own eyes, "They can't, honey. They would if they could, but they can't. Do you remember when your car got hit the other day?"

Wordlessly, she nodded.

"Well, Daddy and Papa got hurt really bad and they died. And when you die, you don't get to come back, you have to go somewhere else."

"Where?"

"Nobody knows, honey, nobody knows."

"I wanna go." She sniffed and the tears poured down, "I wanna go and see Papa. He has to sing me my song so I can go to sleep. He has to sing me my Maggie song." Her little voice was so heart-wrenching.

"I'm sorry sweet one, but you can't go just yet. You have to grow-up first and do all sorts of things. It's hard to understand now, but Daddy and Papa would want you to stay here." I had been so absorbed in rocking Maggie that I had failed to notice a second set of ears.

I did notice when Ayla turned over and looked at me with sad eyes. "Did somebody you know ever go there? To that place for the people who die?"

I nodded cautiously, I needed to be careful about how I moved around this girl.

"Who? Did your Moms or Dads die?"

It seemed a funny way to ask that question. Did your Moms or Dads die. As if it was just as likely you would have two parents of the same gender as it was you would have one of each. Things had definitely changed since I was a kid in rural Montana. I guess for these girls, it was just the normal way of things. For me, even if I was totally accepting of any kind of life and love, I still needed to get used to it.

I shook my head, "No, not my Mom and Dad. But my grandparents, and best friend, and my husband, and my brother." I had been nine when Peter died; he had been only seven. He was the kid between me and Nancy and he had flown out of the flatbed of my cousin's truck when we were off-roading on the ranch, he'd hit his head on rock and it crushed his skull on impact. _Blunt force trauma to the back of the head, _ I thought dimly.

Ayla nodded, "Do you ever miss them? Do you ever want them to come back?"

I tried to reach out and touch her but she pulled back. I settled for running my hand through Maggie's hair. "Everyday. I wish everyday that I could talk to them and play with them. I want to show them the things I have done, I want them to be proud of me. I want my little girl to get to be with her Daddy again. Mostly I wish for them to come back just for a minute, just so I can say goodbye."

"Yeah." Ayla's voice is tight. After a while she whispers, "It's not fair."

I can feel Maggie's even breathing and I know that she's fallen asleep. "No, no, it's not."

For a long while, we sit in silence. I watch Ayla through the dark and wish I could take her in my arms like Maggie and just make everything okay. Eventually, Ayla's eyelids droop and her body goes limp. Carefully, I extract myself from Maggie's clutches, tuck her under the covers, and quietly leave the room.

When I get out into the hall, I can hear Sara and Molly's hushed voices deep in conversation. Not wanting to disturb, I take the opportunity to go outside and call Lindsey and Nancy. I end up on the phone for much longer than I had anticipated; I relayed the night's events to my sister who sympathized but did say that I was putting myself through an awful lot of stress just for a friend, even a good friend, and she had never heard me talk of Sara as anything other than a work friend. Hmm.

By the time I had reentered the house, Molly and Sara had finished talking and were standing by the door, clearly saying their goodbyes.

"So, I'll talk to you tomorrow then?:

"Yeah, and I'll take care of the calls and arrangements for friends around here."

"And I'll call family. Okay, great. Thanks for coming tonight, Sar." She drew me into a hug. "It was nice meeting you, Catherine, I wish…" she trailed off and shook her head, "well, I hope we can get to know each other better when things aren't quite so complicated. Thank you for dinner."

I smiled and nodded. "Not a problem."

Molly turned her hug on Sara, "Goodnight, Birdie, I'll see you soon, I'm sure." She pulled back and looked at Sara meaningfully, "And you'll think about what I said, right?"

Sara nodded but looked away, "Definitely."

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

With a few more nods and smiles, we were out the door. As soon as we were on our way down the path, I put a hand on Sara's lower back, trying to comfort her. But for some reason, she stiffened and stepped away from the contact. I was surprised at how hurt I was by her blatant refusal, how accustomed I had become to being able to touch her in the last few days.

"Sara?" I questioned, coming to a halt.

She turned. Even in the darkness I could tell she chose to look at a point just over my shoulder. "Hmm?"

"What's wrong?"

"What?" She poorly feigned ignorance. "Why would you think something was wrong? Nothing's wrong."

"Then why are you avoiding touching me?"

"Avoiding? I'm not avoiding anything. I'm just not the touchy feely type, Cath. Everybody knows that." Her voice was getting increasingly irritated. "I'm not good with people or kids, and I definitely don't do hugs and frivolous touches. That's just not who I am."

I felt a fire begin to burn in me, the kind of fire that always stirred during one of our fights. I tried to suppress it. It didn't work, entirely, "Bullshit, Sara." I pulled her arm towards me to keep her from getting in the car. "You and I both know that is complete bullshit."

"Really?" Her tone was sarcastic as she gave me a half-hearted glare.

I took a step closer to her and my voice softened. "Yeah, really." I touched her hip and heard her gasp at the touch. "So why don't you just drop the tough girl act you've been pulling all night and tell me what's going on?"

I was so close to her that to look in her eyes, I had to crane my head back and wait for her to move hers down. For a few resonating seconds, I was staring up into her eyes and I could feel myself melt into the pavement. Big, sad, brown eyes that could pick me up off my feet and take me just about anywhere. But then she blinked and stepped away. She jutted her jaw foreword in a stubborn expression and shook her head.

"Besides my two best friends being dead? Nothing's the matter, Cath. Don't be stupid." She turned and got into the car.

Fire shot through my veins and right on it's tail, ice flashed through to extinguish it. I stood still and fought tears. Did she just…? Did she just call me stupid? I took deep breaths and tried not to blow it out of proportion. It just slipped out, she didn't mean it like that, there was no way she…But my little insecurities began to sneak into my thoughts. What if she did think I was stupid? _Was that why we hadn't been friends all these years?_ Because she didn't deem me worthy of her time? How dare she! I knew it was too good to be true. I finally meet somebody who's attractive, talented, funny, great with Lindsey, gainfully employed, and amazingly intelligent- someone who could really be a great friend, a best friend, and she…she's just like everybody else.

Seething, I wordlessly got in the car. I stare out the window as Sara sets on the path to Tim and Larry's. In the darkness, the sea was just as powerful and glorious as it was during the day. The moonlight swathed the deep cobalt ocean in silver light, and painted the jagged cliffs black. There was something so calming about it, I began to feel my anger slip away and all that was left was the dull ache of hurt. As I began to speak, my eyes stayed riveted to the sea.

"You know, a lot of people have insulted my intelligence over the years, Sara. I heard it a lot growing up- better stay skinny and pretty, 'cause there ain't a whole lot going on upstairs. Eddie's favorite thing to say was 'the light's on, but there's nobody home.' All my life. All through school, waitressing, dancing, my marriage- even my ten year-old daughter seems to think I'm an idiot sometimes. I know most of the lab thinks that I slept my way from lab intern to CSI 3. Practically everyone I meet automatically assumes at least one of two things. Number one, they assume I'm stupid, number two, they assume I'm easy.

"A lot, a lot of people have called me stupid." I paused and shut my eyes, allowing myself a deep breath. "But for some reason I never thought, never thought, not for one minute, not even when we weren't friends; not with your fancy Harvard degree, not with your shiny new forensic textbooks, not with your ability to keep intellectual pace with Gil or your genius way of seeing through crime scenes. Not with any of that, did I ever imagine you calling me stupid. I thought you were different. I never thought I'd hear it from you." I continued to watch the water and we sat for several minutes in silence.

"Cath, I…" I heard her sigh as we turned onto the road that led to the house. "Cath, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I…" She trailed off and was quiet until we were parked in the driveway. She opened her door. Without looking at me, she began again, "Molly wants custody; she wants to take the girls."

"What?!" I looked at her, stunned. I sensed there was more. "And?"

Sara took a deep breath, putting one leg out of the car, "And I think…I think I'm going to let her. It's probably for the best." Not waiting for a reply, she quickly escaped the car and headed into the house.

I stayed where I was for a few minutes, just staring out into the darkness. What the hell? She wants to what? Is she crazy? What the fuck was going on in her brain? At that moment, I felt something shift inside me, something that had been silent and dormant since Sara had walked into the lab last night, and to some extent, for the last six months. The fire that Sara's stinging remark had snuffed out began to rekindle.

I hadn't exploded at Sara since Eddie's murder, but she was really starting to piss me off. With her little attitude, her mixed signals, one minute she was sobbing into my shoulder and the next…Did she really think I would put up with that? Had her nearly four years experience with me taught her that I was the kind of woman to lie down and take it? Well, she had another thing coming. The kid gloves I had worn during the last thirty-six hours were about to come off.

When I came in I found Larry lounging on a chaise, nursing a highball, and immersing himself in the Wall Street Journal, some classical music playing softly in the background. He seemed to be deliberately avoiding my gaze. I had the feeling Sara may have asked not to talk to me. I looked around for her but instead my eyes were drawn towards Tim. Stretched out on the counter of the kitchen bar, he appeared to be working on his laptop and sipping at some sort of cocktail.

When he met my gaze, he sat up, raised his eyebrows expressively and, taking his tiny green cocktail umbrella from between his teeth, pointed none too subtly towards the deck. He gave me meaningful nodded and gestured in that direction with his head as well. Getting his drift, I smiled my thanks and headed for the door.

Larry must have seen me because I heard him say, "Oh, really, please. Five minutes, five minutes! Is that so much to ask? You just can't help yourself, can you?"

To which Tim replied indignantly, "I'm insulted. I didn't say a word! She must have smelled Sara out there."

Pause. "Of course she did. You know…" Their conversation was lost when I closed the door behind me and turned my focus on Sara.

Dressed in black and silhouetted against the dusky blue of the horizon, the lines of her were so graceful. The few errant hairs that had escaped her elastic were luffing freely in the breeze. Her arms were set wide and supporting her weight against the railing. She was so beautiful. I felt my chest fill with a warm giddy feeling and I smiled.

On some level, this was not a new feeling. One part of my brain was saying that I had first felt it on the plane yesterday, but another part said I'd been sensing it coming on for several months now. Still another part of my brain, and this was the confusing one, was insisting that I had felt this way since the day she had walked into my lab in that sexy green sweater and that cute nervous grin asking where she could find Catherine Willows.

These thoughts were exciting, exhilarating, and very disturbing. They were also not thoughts to ponder right now, I remembered, because I was very, very upset with her. She'd been jerking my chain all day, she had called me stupid- I don't care how stressed out she was, and she was being a complete imbecile with regards to her major life choices. Right. I was mad at her. And I wasn't going to take any shit.

I walked up behind her and crossed my arms over my chest. I coughed conspicuously and waited until she turned around. I raised an eyebrow and put my tongue in my cheek, giving her my best 'what the hell are you thinking' expression.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Original.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

**So? What did you think? Are you so impressed that you've decided to give me the seven hundred million dollars it would take for me to by the show and turn it into a ten o'clock Saturday night Showtime special? No? Well, I'd settle for a review…**


	7. Things Heat Up

**Disclaimer: I lost them in a poker game; not mine.**

**A/N: So I know I promised this would be up by Monday, but the part that I was writing turned out to be a lot longer than I thought. It's still not quite done, so I thought I 'd throw you this little bone to tide you over. Hope it's juicy enough for ya! Thank you for the glorious reviews! Myx**

**LeonniThams: You asked for non-docile Cath? Mama Bear Cath to come next chapter. Hope you're happy with it. : )**

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

"What?" She furrowed her brow at me.

_Oh ho, don't play dumb with me, missy._ "Don't play dumb with me!"

She crossed her arms over her own chest and shook her head, "Look, Catherine, I'm physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and now I'm confused. I don't want to play any of your little games, so whatever you want to say, just go ahead and say it."

_Little games? Little games!? Oh that's it! _"Little games? Oh, that's it. You want it straight? Fine. Here it is. I get that these past few days have been devastating for you. I get that your life feels like it's coming down around you. And I get that you're in a position in your life that you never thought you'd be and that scares you. Okay? I've been there. I've had my best friend killed and not been able to say goodbye, I've lost my closest family to horrible accidents; I've watched my daughter suffer over the loss of her father." Sara's eyes widened at that last remark.

I was breathing heavy by now. "I want to be there for you, Sara. I lo- I care about you and I hate that you're hurting. But all night, and I mean this in the best possible way, you've been a total bitch. You've blown hot and cold since we left the hotel this morning, you've disrespected me in what I consider to be the worst possible way-"

She tried to interrupt me here but I pressed on. "No, Sara; The. Worst. Possible. Way. Do you think I care when I get offensive pick up lines? Do you think crude sexual harassment bothers me? Do you think that there is a single line, gesture, or greasy stare that I have not seen or heard before? And it doesn't bother me to get called mean or bitchy or hard ass- half of the time, those are things I strive to be."

I looked at her and tried to keep the hurt from my voice. She was looking regretful and I could tell I had put her in her place, succeeded in making her feel as small as I did. I just couldn't bring myself to care. It felt good to get this out.

"But my intelligence?" I shook my head. "Do you know, do you have any idea how long it took me to even realize that I might have a mind that was worth something? Twenty-eight years! Twenty-eight years, Sara. Until Gil came in with Jimmy Tadero that night after the show. He was the first person to tell me I was something more than a dumb pair of tits with a cute ass. And I didn't believe him, I thought he was just trying to get laid. He had to come back five times before I would try out his lab internship. He paid for my last two semesters at school when I had to quit stripping because I was pregnant. He was the only one. And now the only way I get any respect around the lab or anywhere else is to act like the ice queen."

I'm shouting at her now, "I worked so hard, Sara. I'm not like you, I can't just open my mouth and have an answer for everything. I've had to work so hard, and I still have to; every damn second of every damn day. Just so I can prove to myself- screw other people, just to myself, that I am worth somebody's time. So when you try to take that away from me, even offhand, even if it's just because you're hurting, too. When you call me stupid, especially when I'm not wrong- when I'm right and you're just lashing out. When you do that, all you're doing is proving to me what I knew all along; I'm not worth it. Gil was wrong, and somehow I just got to where I am on accident. I'm…I'm just not worth it."

I walked past her and stared out over the ocean, hugging myself and willing myself to stay angry at her and not, under any circumstances, let my tears spill over.

I heard Sara step up behind me and I shivered when her fingers ghosted over my hip bones. She was quiet for a long time before she spoke. When she did, her words were slow, deliberate, and put forth in a voice that seemed calm but in reality was charged with emotion; as if there was tension lurking just below the surface.

"Catherine, I am sorry, I truly am. I'm not good with words, and when I'm flustered I don't always say what I mean. It's not an excuse but it is a reason. I didn't mean to hurt you; I would _never_ purposely hurt you in any way, and I hope you know that. But…" she took a breath here, "Catherine, I'm in way over my head here and you yelling at me is really not helping. I was trying not to tell you about Molly's proposition because I knew you'd react like this, and I needed some time to get my thoughts together before I came to you. Your honesty, your directness, are things I love about you, but they don't always help me. Sometimes, it's easier for me to just mull things over quietly. And you always seem to want to _discuss_ things. I figured you'd want to the same thing with this."

I turned and stared at her, "Damn right, I do! You need to pull your head out of your ass! What the hell are you thinking?" I put my hands on my hips.

"Ah!" She grabbed her head in her hands, "Fuck! You are such a frustrating woman! Alright, fine. You want to know what I was thinking? I was thinking that Molly could provide a much better family for them than I could. She has a husband and two kids already. The girls get along really well with Dylan and Daisy, and Dan is a really nice guy. Molly is really good with kids and she seems to really want to take them. The girls would be better off."

I stared at her incredulously. "Better off than with their mother?" I asked.

She got upset at this, "Cath, I am not their mother! They don't have a mother. They had two fathers, and now they're dead! We share thirteen chromosomes, that's it. Genetics do not endow one with the unbreakable bond of parenthood."

I wasn't giving up. "No, but combined with the fact that their fathers trusted you with their lives, and you love them unconditionally, I'd say it does a pretty bang up job. If they went to Molly they'd become her children's orphaned cousins. It would mess them up for life. If you take them, they start over. They have the memory of their dads, but they also have a mother who loves them and who will treat them like normal children. Genetics don't always make a parent, but they sure as hell can't hurt. What really makes a parent is a willingness to love a child and put their needs above all else. And you have that, Sara."

Sara chuckled bitterly and took two steps back. "How the hell do you know that? I don't know that. I'd probably make a terrible mother. I don't know anything about making lunches and going to parent-teacher conferences. I can't bake cookies or pick out first day of school clothes. I can't even make my _own_ nightmares go away."

I sighed, "Sara, mothers don't come with that information; we're not computer programmed. Everybody just makes it up as they go along, or in my case just takes everything your own mother ever did for you and do the complete opposite. You start with the basics and work your way up. And as for how I know you can do it, well, I've seen you with Linds. You're amazing with her. And I saw how you looked at those little girls tonight. Don't even try to tell me you don't love them like they're your own, don't even try. You've loved them that much since the day they were born. As much as you'd like to deny it, Sara Sidle, your maternal instincts are alive and well."

She looked at me doubtfully then shook her head, "I don't know, it's too much for me right now. I'm confused…you…you confuse me. I think maybe I'll go to bed and think about it in the morning."

I nodded, recognizing that she needed time to cool off and knowing I could use a break as well.

She surprised me by initiating physical contact and pulling me into a hug, "So, are we okay?" she mumbled into my shoulder. "Say we're okay."

After a second I relaxed into the embrace and brought my arms up around her waist, "We'll be fine. I know I overreacted. It just hurt, you know?"

She nodded, "I'm really sorry."

I brought my face to the crook of her neck and shut my eyes tight. She smelled faintly of cloves and something citrus-y, grapefruit perhaps. "Mhm." Wow. This felt so good. She was so soft and so very strong at the same time. Oh, I could have stayed there forever.

And I tried, but after a minute, she pulled away. "I'm going to head up, okay? Grab a quick shower and then get some rest? I have to make some phone calls in the morning. I'm helping Molly with the service, getting flowers and inviting people and all of that. But in the afternoon, I need to go into the city and see some people, so…you could come with me then? If you want? Or you could stay here." She looked uneasy. "Unless, you want to go home. I can book you a flight, I'm sure you'll want to-"

I put a hand on her arm, "No, Sara, I'd love to go with you tomorrow. And I don't want to go home." I smiled at her, "I'm here as long as you want me…if you want me, that is." _Oh, God_,_ did that come off sounding like a really bad pick up line? Was I hitting on a woman plagued by personal confliction and tragic loss? What the bloody HELL was wrong with me?_

She looked at me curiously, "Yeah…okay, great. No, of course I want you here- you've been a lifesaver. Well, I'll just get to that shower, shall I?" She pointed towards the house and then followed her arm off the deck.

I whirled around and looked at the view, hitting myself on the forehead. _Well, shit. _Maybe it didn't sound as bad as I thought it did. Maybe I was overreacting. No, I shook my head at the horizon, who was I kidding? _Did you see her face when she practically ran out of here? You totally freaked her out. Damn._ Well, there was nothing to be done for it. I turned and went inside.

At least asleep, I couldn't possibly hit on her. Oh, no, wait. Yes, I could. I'd already done it! Christ. A day in my life. Saying my goodnights to Larry and Tim, I made my way to our room and got ready for bed. In the long t-shirt I usually wear to bed, I went out onto the balcony. I needed to think.

So. Apparently I liked Sara. As in, I was attracted to her. Sara. Sara Sidle. Well, that's just wonderful. That's not remotely inconvenient at all. I mean, sure, we're co-workers, but so what? Sure, she is experiencing untold levels of grief and despair and the promise of a relationship is the last thing she needs. And, sure, she's just suddenly and out of the blue become the mother of two and that will without a doubt completely disrupt her life.

But hey, what's a few obstacles when true love is on the line, right? Okay, we might be getting ahead of ourselves with the true love bit, but all in all this seems to be a extraordinarily bad idea. _Ten million and one reasons why you will not even entertain the idea of the possibility that there is a chance (which there isn't) that this is in any way a good idea. _So, all parts of my brain are in agreement with all other parts of my brain, yes? _Bad idea, never going to happen, just get it out of your head! _

That settled, I made a serious effort to enjoy the nightscape. I watched the glowing moon and the drifting purple clouds, I marveled at the intensity of the shining stars. I closed my eyes and listened to the crashing waves that signaled the changing of the tides. I inhaled the salty spray and experienced the tranquility that could be found here. How breathtaking.

"Hey, you'd better come in from there. It can get pretty chilly with the winds coming off the water at night."

I turned.

Oh. My. God.

Oh, my…God. Dark. Light. Man. Woman. The whole freaking garden of Eden and throw in some cute cuddly animals. And after all of that, God sat down and created Sara Sidle. In a tiny, blue towel. Her hair had kinked and curled up from the water, her cheeks and chest were pink from the too hot shower, and little rivulets of water were streaming down her neck and arms and legs. Not to mention the curves of her…Oh. My. God.

What was I saying? Scratch that. I…uh…what?

"What?" She looked down self-consciously.

"Hmm?" I started and forced my eyes up to her face. "What? No. Nothing. Nothing, you just surprised me. I was thinking."

She nodded. I'd actually spoken English, hooray for me! "Okay. You're coming in soon though, right? I don't want you to catch cold."

I felt dazed. "Yeah, uh-huh, sure. You go on in, I'll be right behind you."

She smiled and disappeared behind the blowing curtains.

I turned back to the gleaming moon and the gossamer clouds, the looming cliffs and the dazzling stars. Breathtaking. And then I thought about the very real possibility that that tiny blue towel was finding a new home on the Mexican tile of my bedroom, right now; at this very moment.

Awe-inspiring, infinite, and matchless beauty of the raw and commanding natural world.

Naked Sara.

Not exactly a contest.

I threw myself through the curtained doorway. The ocean would be there tomorrow. And besides, I had forgotten to brush my teeth.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

**What do you think? Next part should come soon. I'm off work all week because of Thanksgiving (which is on Thursday for all non-Americans) Happy Turkey day en avance!**


	8. The Green Eyed Cath, Part 1

**A/N: So, it was brought to my attention that there are no straight people in my imaginary San Francisco. Well, there are now. But this is it. I'm drawing the line; no more! I'm moving there next year, and right up until the very last second, I fully intend to imagine it a rainbow paradise. With two straight people…Yeah, so here we go. Enjoy!**

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

"Sara? Is that you, darlin'? Well I'll be, if it ain't the craziest dyke in the West!"

I froze, nearly dropping the bikini-clad salt shakers I was studying. It was mid-afternoon and Sara and I were in a shop called 'Everything but the Cat.' I'd been here for ten minutes and still had no idea what they were meant to be selling. None of it seemed to have anything to do with cats. But then, maybe that was the point.

Sara had asked for the owner a while ago and, not wanting to live through another awkward introduction, I decided to look around. So far I had seen dragon kites, hand-painted Doc Martens, shelves upon shelves of assorted rubber duckies, miniature sculptures of Stonehenge, t-shirts that said things like 'Straight but not Narrow' or 'Embrace Diversity,' and there was a living breathing Dalmatian sleeping in one corner and wearing a rainbow shirt that read 'Stop BREEDING Intolerance.' And now I had yet to determine the purpose of spice holders in skimpy swimwear.

Not that any of that mattered now. I peaked around a shelving unit. Had I just heard…? Had a man just said…? No. No. Maybe there was another Sara?

A bear of a man was descending the stairs from the lofted second floor of the store and sweeping Sara up into a giant hug. He appeared to be the source of the booming voice from before, and when he spoke again my suspicions were confirmed.

"Now, where in the hell have you been keepin' that cute little bad ass of yours, Bird? Shoot, I don't think I've seen you since…"

"Since right after the wedding." Sara supplied.

The man's southern accent was considerably stronger than Nicky's. "Damn, that's right. That's got to be more than four years, huh? Hell, that means you haven't met all the kids, have you?"

Sara shook her head.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number, "Maureen? Guess who's here? You'll never guess." He put an arm around Sara's shoulders. "I'll give you a hint- what do you get when you put two-hundred pounds of steelhead and yellow croaker and a stick of dynamite in Cherry Hixson's basement apartment?"

I watched Sara turn scarlet and look around, clearly trying to find me.

The man laughed heartily, "You bet your ass! No, I'm not shittin' ya baby, the amazing Flyin' Sidle is standin' next to me right now!" He winked at Sara who shook her head. "Well, that's what I was sayin' baby. Why don't you and Vicki come on down. Are the kids home from…?" Pause. "Okay, alright, see you in a minute. Love you, too." He hung up the phone.

I decided that this would be a good time for me to come out of my hiding place. If I waited much longer, things would be just plain awkward.

"They're on their way down. The nanny isn't picking up the kids for another hour. But-"

Sara interrupted, "Vicki's here? I thought she moved to Alaska with that guy, Trey, or something?"

Okay, freeze. I don't like that tone of voice. Who's Vicki? I retreated back behind the case again.

"Dray. She did, but you know her. Just a plain-old white hetero guy, not even an interesting fetish to his name; it don't matter how good his music is or how much he'd throw himself off a cliff for her. If it won't make her folks turn green about the gills, she don't want nothin' to do with it. So she's back here, living in the spare room upstairs. She has some sort of vision for an online fetish shop. We really thought she'd be out of this phase by now, you know? Twenty-eight years old, Berkeley graduate in French Literature; I don't care how many meat hooks she installs in my ceiling, and she can hold as many late-night shabari classes in the loft as she wants, I just want to see the girl stick with something for more than a day."

Sara smiled bitterly and tilted her head to one side, "That always was Vicki's problem, you know when we were…"

At that moment, the overly tolerant and fabulous in tie-dye Dalmatian chose to brush by me, and this time I did drop the salt shakers. Silently cursing, I bent down to pick them up and placed them back on the shelf. When I looked up again, Sara was only a few feet away and looking at me questioningly. I tried to make my smile seem like less of a guilty 'I didn't hear _that_ much' smile and more of an 'oh, hello, fancy meeting you here' one, but I don't think I one-hundred percent pulled it off.

It didn't matter. Sara just shook her head at me and held out her hand, which I took. "Come on," she said, dragging me forward, "I want you to meet Joey."

When we arrived beside the giant man again, he was giving me an odd look. He was about my age, sturdily built, with a shaved head and watery blue eyes.

"Joe, this is my good friend, Catherine Willows. Cath, this is Joey Faye. He and his wife Maureen are some of my oldest friends. I met Joey when I was fourteen, right Joe?"

"She wouldn't leave me alone and go play nice with the other little kids, it was like takin' in a stray puppy."

Sara smiled and hit his shoulder, "And Maureen I've known since Halloween the year I moved back to California. We met at a costume party and became instant friends. I introduced her to Joey- who was living in Seattle at the time, a few months later." Sara smiled with self-pride and it made me smile too. "It was love at first sight. Of course, they were both engaged to other people- I wasn't even trying to get them together. But the three of us, along with our other friend Gina, her boyfriend at the time…Mike or something, and Gina's kid sister Vicki, ended up at Joey's friend's parent's cabin on Applegate Lake in Oregon for a holiday weekend." Sara smirked. "By the end of that weekend, if they hadn't called their fiancés to call it off, I would have. No one could go anywhere near the tool shed or the cove or the rowboat for the entire time. And then they dated for about ten million years…" She rolled her eyes.

"No, we dated for five years." He shrugged, "There didn't seem to be a reason for it, and we didn't have the money for Maureen to have the dream wedding she wanted, so we waited."

"Oh, that's so sweet." I looked at Sara. "What? I think that's sweet."

She smiled and shook her head at me. It was then that I realized we were still holding hands. Our fingers were intertwined, and neither of us seemed in a hurry to let go. I squeezed her hand tightly and delighted when she smiled and squeezed back.

"And then this girl just up and leaves four years ago without a word. Me and Maureen lead a totally different life than when you last knew us- we are upstanding citizens." Joe tried to look innocent.

"Really?" Sara scoffed.

"Well, yeah, we've had to be because of the kids. Joey jr. was born in May of 1999- she just turned four last week. Unicorn birthday cake, she got a Spiderman bike!" He sounded genuinely excited, "Reese is three and Jackson is two. They weren't exactly meant to be that close together, but," he shrugs, "they're good kids."

At that moment, a clanging sound signaled the swinging of the door. The woman that entered was a fairly light-skinned African-American with light brown eyes and well-manicured black curls. I was guessing that this was Maureen. She was a tiny woman, pretty, but not exceptionally so. Her face was sweet but she had premature lines around her eyes and mouth and her figure was a little too round for conventional beauty. Still, with three kids under four, I was surprised she looked as good as she did.

She dressed practically in what I always considered to be the 'I don't care if you drool, vomit, poop, or pee on these, they're only clothes anyway' outfit of old faded jeans, and a t-shirt under which was a tank top (in case the first layer needed to come off.) Still, she managed to find a long royal blue tank top to go under her coral colored tee, and the cuffs of her jeans were rolled up to reveal practical but fashionable sandals, proving that her sense of style had not gone out the window with her sanity and freedom. I liked her.

"Sara!" she said with an elated expression. "Vick is on her way in, but she had to stop for a quick one." She made the motion of smoking a cigarette. After that, she seemed unable to contain her excitement, and leapt into Sara's arms.

Surprisingly, Sara caught her up deftly and held her aloft for several seconds before returning her to the ground. But she didn't let her go. Obviously, they had been very close. A nasty little bit of my mind ventured, _How close?_ But I shoved it down.

"Mm." Maureen hummed into Sara's shoulder. "How are you, girly-bird?" She gripped Sara's biceps, "You've gone all muscle! What do they make tofu out of in Nevada, huh?"

Sara smiled warmly- it was one of the happiest expressions I'd seen her make this trip. "I'm okay. I've missed you, though. I've missed everybody. The whole city. The whole ocean. But I've got other things now." Sara looked up at me and I felt a rush of heat to my chest and my cheeks.

Maureen followed her gaze and turned to me, "Now, who might you be?" she asked bluntly, a wary expression on her face.

Sara smiled at me while she spoke, "Mo, this Catherine, Catherine Willows, she's here visiting with me from Vegas."

This introduction threw me off. I had gone from colleague/maybe friend to definite friend/ colleague, and then to good friend, hold the colleague. What was this? Implied friend? I mean you don't go on a mini break with just anyone, do you? But if Sara did date women, which it was starting to sound like she did, then Maureen would know that and she might assume something other than friendship. Well, let her just assume away.

"Cath, this is Maureen Medeiros-Faye- Joey's wife, co-owner of this store, and a very dear friend."

Maureen greeted me in a friendly way, but turned back to Sara and her husband, talking back and forth about things I really didn't understand. I watched them talk like this for several minutes, clearly catching up on old times. For the first time, I wondered what we were doing here. Sara hadn't said anything, just that she'd needed to go into town. She looked so cute, so relaxed, so…different. I realized that she had never made Las Vegas her home, just a place she lived. Or was it that I had never made her feel at home there? That the team hadn't? I couldn't tell.

I didn't hear the door open this time, but I did notice when a young woman slowly sauntered in.

The girl had to be less than thirty and was about my height. She was much skinnier than I was; her hips were narrower. She was all but flat-chested, and quite clearly without a bra. Her pale gray halter top appeared to be fastened with purple cord, her jeans were obscenely tight. Her exposed arms were firm and toned.

Her hair was dyed black with a multitude of violet streaks; the bottom half hung below her shoulders and the top was up in twin buns held in place by lime green and hot pink chopsticks. Her eye make-up was heavy, but it was the only make-up she wore. Her fingernails were painted black. In one pocket was a pack of cigarettes, and in the other, what looked like reading glasses.

She had an assortment of tattoos and piercings. Countless silver hoops in her ears, a barbell through one eyebrow, and a ring through the side of her lower lip. Her most noticeable tattoos were swirling Chinese dragon cuffs around her wrists, and a blue sunburst on one shoulder- it seemed familiar somehow. The look was completed with scuffed and worn high-heeled combat boots that had been re-laced with what appeared to be laces sporting dead Hello Kitties. _What is wrong with people?_

She looked like one of those ravers we find out in the desert overdosed on the pill of the week. I was half looking around for glow sticks. For all that, with her big hazel eyes, slender nose, and pouty lips, I had to admit that she was gorgeous. This had to be Vicki. One look at Sara deduced that I was right. Happy, relaxed look; gone.

Either ignoring me or not seeing me altogether, the girl walked straight past and stepped squarely in front of Sara. I moved around so that I could see their interaction better. Vicki moved in as if to hug Sara and I smirked. Mistake numero uno. You do not make the first move to hug Sara unless it is an absolute emergency. Correct protocol; stand closely to Sara and wait for her to hug you. If she doesn't, quickly step back so as not to aggravate the beast. Everyone knows this. But apparently not Miss Thang here.

Vicki smirked and stood back when she realized Sara wasn't about to return her embrace anytime soon. She twirled a thread of hair in her fingers. "Hey, Birdie." She smiled and tilted her head to one side looking like she was enjoying herself.

Sara shifted uncomfortably and crossed her arms over her chest, but she held her ground. "Vicki." Okay, I officially did not like this _Vicki_ character. Who was she to come in here and rattle my girl like that? Well, not my _girl_, but certainly my friend.

"Been in town long? Were you planning on calling me?"

I began circling around so that I could get to Sara who was standing between Joey and Maureen. For whatever reason, though I had a strong feeling I knew why, this woman was winding Sara up really tight, and I wanted to be there to calm her down.

"Actually, we just got in yesterday, and I didn't even know that you were in town. Last I'd heard you were on a boat to Anchorage with that musician slash fisherman."

_Vicki_ bit her lip and turned her head to the side, smiling in a very childish expression, "_We_, Birdie-bird?"

Sara was becoming flustered. I think that nickname bothered her a bit. "Huh?"

Vicki giggled in what I thought was a seriously obnoxious way and batted her eyelashes. "You said 'we', Birdie-bird."

At that moment, I came up beside Sara, coughed lightly, and smiled in a way I'm sure was anything but friendly. "Yes, 'we.'"

Sara looked down at me, suddenly surprised at my presence. Up close, I could literally feel the heat of nervous tension pouring off of her. Giving her an encouraging smile and nod, I put my arm around her back and hooked my thumb through her front belt loop. I hoped I wasn't overstepping. At first, Sara looked even more nervous, then she just looked confused, but then finally she relaxed and smiled. And then she surprised me.

Sara put her own arm around my middle, pulled me to her until we were hip to hip, and kissed the spot right between my cheekbone and temple. Once. Twice. Three times. I think I died. I know I shut my eyes involuntarily and I know I inhaled sharply. Because these were not the quick, friendly, 'hi, how are ya?' kinds of pecks that one might exchange with someone platonically. No.

No, these were the slow, sensual, I-can-feel-every-curve-of-your-lips, your-nose-is-nuzzling-in-my-hair, god-your-breath-is-hot-on-my-skin, please-never-ever-stop, do-I-even-have-knees!? types of kisses. And I really, really liked them.

When Sara eventually stopped and pulled away, she completed her little show of affection by lightly resting the hand not currently making its home in my back pocket, on my abdomen. Then she looked up at Vicki.

The bright smile she flashed her seemed pretty genuine. "Yeah," she glanced pointedly at me, "we."

I saw Vicki's super-glued smile falter the tiniest bit, and Sara spotted it as well. She stood a little straighter.

The smile was back on quickly, though, "Aren't you going to introduce us, _Birdie-bird?_" She looked directly at me when she added the pet name, like maybe it would make me jealous or something. It did, I was ready to rip her face in half, but I'd be damned if I would show it.

"Sure." Sara met my gaze and there was a twinkle in her eye that I had rarely seen before. I squeezed her hip and gave her the slightest of nods to assure her that I was game for whatever she was about to do. "Hon," she beamed at me before turning back to the other woman, "This is Vicki Marinelli. Vicki, this is Catherine."

"Catherine…?" Vicki fished.

"Willows." And that was my last bit of active participation in that conversation because at that point Sara's hand started skimming over my navel like it had the morning before at the hotel.

Alright, so, I realized that this act was, in all likelihood, just a way to piss off Vicki, who I had deduced was definitely an old lover. But, you know what? I just didn't care. I decided that I was going to exploit this as much as humanly possible. So, I rested my head on her shoulder and prayed I wasn't taking it too far. Nope. Not at all. Sara pulled me so that I was in front of her, reclining against her chest. She wrapped arms around me and let her thumbs continue to stroke my abdomen beneath the hem of my shirt.

Then she kissed the top of my head before resting her chin on it. She never stopped talking or paying attention to the conversation; it was as if her actions were automatic.

Destructive and very, very not good thoughts began to circulate in my mind. Was this what it would be like to be with Sara for real? Would she hold me like this when I was cold or scared? Was she the kind of lover to leave trails of small sweet kisses? What would it feel like to have her lips meet mine? All of these questions were really _not_ helpful.

When I managed to get my thoughts back together enough to listen to the conversation, I suddenly felt very out of place.

Joey was saying, "We'd heard about Warren and Matt, honey, and we are just so sorry." He sounded truly sincere.

"It just broke my heart. The crash was on the news and then we got the call from Lara Winters, Denny's wife- I don't think you'll have met her. Tell, me, how are those little girls holding up?"

Sara wrapped her arms tighter around me, "They're doing the best they can. Ayla's taking it the hardest. Maggie doesn't really understand, but she's upset, too."

"Where are they staying?" This was Vicki, who seemed to have momentarily dropped the bitch act when she realized why Sara was here.

"With their grandparents, but I think they're wearing them out."

I turned in Sara's arms and looked up at her. I didn't need to be here for this, and she seemed to be calming down. It would probably be easier for them to talk if I wasn't there. When Sara looked down at me, her hands still holding me close, I smiled at her and linked my arms around her neck. I had no idea what we were doing, there was really no need to take the charade this far, but Sara, for once, seemed completely comfortable with my touch, so I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity.

"Baby, I think I'm going to go outside and call the office. Just to check in? I'll let you guys be alone for a bit, okay?"

She tucked non-existent fallen hair behind my ear and it was strange; it felt like whenever she touched me, we were the only two people in a room. "Are you sure, hon? You can stay if you like."

I shook my head, "I'll only be in the way. I'll just pop out and check back in a few okay?"

Sara nodded and raised an eyebrow at me as if she was trying to decide something.

I knew how it must look to the three people behind me; two people with their arms around one another, speaking in hushed voices, touching softly, staring straight into each other's eyes, unblinking. I knew what they must be thinking, hell, a part of me wanted to believe it myself. _They are seriously in love. _

Apparently decided, Sara brought her hands to cup my face and leaned in. _Oh, my God. Was she about to kiss me? Here? Now? _I shut my eyes tightly, not daring to breathe. Moments later I felt soft lips connect with my forehead. I inhaled maybe a bit too loudly. Unidentifiable emotions were coursing through me.

"Thanks, Cath," she whispered.

_Stay cool, keep calm, breathe. Breathe. And then get the fuck out of there._

I hugged her close, snuggling into her shoulder and pulling myself up on my tiptoes I whispered back, "Anytime." Then I kissed her neck and spun around quickly. It took all of my energy not to run out of the store.

_What the hell had just happened?_

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

Out of sight of the storefront window, I ran around the corner and power walked the six blocks west to the waterfront. I stood watching the families and couples, not really taking it all in. Any of it. God, this was so not good. Had I wanted her to kiss me? Like _really_ wanted it? When she hadn't kissed me, I had felt the strangest rush of relief and disappointment. Her lips had been right there; I had felt her breath on my face.

She was right there, and it was all my body could do to cover the base functions- and even those were faulty. Her proximity was intoxicating. And then when she looked in my eyes…Christ, just thinking about it made something flutter somewhere, everywhere. She had just stared me down and for those few moments I'd really felt like…

But, hell. That's not right is it? One minute we were just playing around, trying to piss off Miss 'Online Fetish Shop', and the next…it hadn't felt so much like we were pretending, had it?

I shivered in the warmth of the perfectly sunny, spring day. I shook my head and for some reason, fought down tears. I couldn't handle this. It was too much. What if in those precious seconds, it hadn't been pretending for her either? _What if she had felt it, too?_

I turned and paced again._ But what if she hadn't? _I had no idea which was worse, or more terrifying. This couldn't be happening to me! I was forty years old! This kind of confusing adolescent bullshit just didn't happen to people like me; not to working single mothers. Not to people who had done the things I had done or seen the things I'd seen. It just didn't happen. It. Just. Didn't.

I paused in my pacing. _But what if I really wanted it to?_ What did that mean?

It was too much. I pulled out my cell phone. I couldn't actually call work like I had said to Sara. It was either way too late or several hours too early. And while it was highly probable that Gil was in his office anyway, I didn't really want to talk to him. Instead, I dialed Nancy. She should be picking Lindsey up from school right about now.

I was in luck, and Nancy was in fact waiting outside Linds's school. We talked mostly about what Lindsey was up to, after I circumvented any and all questions pertaining to Sara. About the time she was telling me about Lindsey's upcoming play auditions, I started back for the store- somehow, I'd managed to be gone more than half an hour. When Lindsey got in the car, Nance handed the phone over to her. By the time I reached the store, Lindsey was in full gossip mode, so I stayed outside, listening to her and leaning against the wall around the corner from the entrance.

She was so excited, some of her happiness and familiarity drifted through the phone. My daughter could always make me smile. She started talking about making a mess in Nancy's kitchen and I heard Nancy make a sarcastic remark in the background.

I laughed. "I thought you were going to be a good girl while I was away."

Linds asked me when I was coming home.

"I should be back in a few days, sweetheart." She whined. "Don't pout at me," I smiled. This kind of talk always relaxed me. "Maybe I'll bring you something back…if you're good that of course."

She asked me what I would bring her.

"Well, what would you like?" I asked, knowing probably what it would be.

She suggested an iPod. Surprise.

"Hmm…" I said, pretending to think about it, "Lindsey, I don't think you've earned a present that special. But if you're really, really good- and I mean really good, when I get back, I'll make it worth your while."

She went into 'worship the Goddess, Mommy' mode, which involves a great deal of shrieking and 'I love you's. I shook my head.

"Okay, okay. I've gotta go, babydoll, but I'll call again soon."

She asked if Sara knew that she was getting an iPod.

Forgetting to correct her and say that she only _might_ be getting one I said conspiratorially, "Of course Sara doesn't know! And I don't think we should tell her; think how jealous she'd be?"

Lindsey agreed. It would be a secret just between us.

"All right, I love you."

Still in her worshipping state of mind, she insisted that she loved me more.

"Nope." I grinned. "Not possible. I love you the most. Bye, Linds."

After that phone call, I felt much more like my old self. I could do this. Just put on a brave face. I took a deep breath and turned the corner with the intention of returning to Sara. But I didn't. Instead, I ran straight into Vicki.

And she looked livid.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

**So? What do you think? Tell me! Free t-shirts to the first one hundred reviewers!**


	9. The Green Eyed Cath, Part 2

**A/N: Say you love me, really love me for updating so fast! Go on, say it!**

**I'd like to take the time now to thank all of my fantastic reviewers. I now have enough reviews now to look at other people's fics and go '**_**Look how popular I am!!' **_** Which is sick. Sick and wrong. And also fun. **

**Lots of people had guesses as to what was going to happen next, I hope this doesn't disappoint! Have fun! Myx**

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

I tried a polite smile and a sidestep, but she squarely blocked my path.

I raised my eyebrows and coughed, "Can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah," she said, her voice full of attitude, "you can, actually."

I gave her a look that clearly said, "I'm waiting."

I was determined to come out of this little encounter the winner. Because the look in her eye told me that this was going to be a battle. And just because I didn't know why were fighting didn't mean I wasn't game. I had my own reasons to enjoy what I knew was about to come. Just to be obnoxious, I put a hand on my hip, cocked that hip, tilted my head to the opposite side, and jutted my jaw out sharply. This was my standard 'Bitch, bring it on' pose. I was still waiting.

She gave me a nasty, almost triumphant smile, before she said, "Who's Lindsey?" She crossed her arms in front of her in a 'beat that' sort of way.

The question caught me by surprise. Not exactly what I was expecting but okay… "Excuse me?" I let a small annoying smirk escape my lips.

I could tell she thought my reaction was going to be a lot bigger than it was. "I heard you on the phone. You and _Lindsey_ sound pretty close."

I took it in. _Oh…OH…ha!_ I was going to have a little fun with this one. "Not that it's any of your business, but yeah, we are."

Vicki shook her head, grinning like she'd just found her canary. "How does Sara feel about her?"

This was ridiculous. All of a sudden, I found myself sick of playing with her. I might be mad at her for whatever she did that hurt Sara so badly, but her fucked up little opinion didn't really matter. I held up my hands in an 'I surrender' gesture, shook my head, and stepped around her. I had enough to deal with.

I heard her call from behind me, "You're not even going to deny it, _are you_?"

I was going to keep walking. I really was. But something in her tone…like she was _just so sure, _something about it got the better of me. I clenched my fists, trying to keep the claws inside. It wasn't going to work. They were already out. This little girl had just made a very, _very_ bad mistake.

I'm a faithful person. I've never cheated on _anyone. _And yeah, so there was the tiny detail that Sara and I weren't actually dating, and yeah, it probably shouldn't have bothered me that this skinny bitch could so easily assume that I would be unfaithful. But it did, _really did._ Maybe it was because this woman had clearly cast Sara aside and was now attempting to protect her. Maybe it was because I knew that if I were ever lucky enough to have Sara, I would never betray her trust like that. Either way, the accusation stung. But more than that, it really pissed. me. off.

I shut my eyes and shook my head. _Stupid. Very stupid, little girl._ I cracked my jaw and neck. _No idea who she's dealing with._ I took a deep breath and leveled my shoulder. I opened my eyes. _She'd know soon enough._

Whipping around, eyes blazing, I immediately started in on her, "Tell me something, _Vicki_, why do you care? Why do you even fucking care?"

She took a step back, startled at my newfound intensity. _Oh, yeah, honey. This dragon breathes fire. _The flames of sickly sweet pleasure rose up in me as I began dressing her down and I had no intention of stopping now. I closed in on her, fully aware that I was borderline shouting in the street and not giving a damn.

When she didn't answer, I ploughed on, "Is it because you genuinely care about Sara? Is this just your _twisted _little way of being a good friend to her? Because if it is, then we can drop it right here. You can apologize and I promise that I will genuinely try to like you."

I gave her another opportunity to jump in, but she just stared at me. _Wasn't she even going to even try to fight back? Chicken._

"If not, then I think we need to examine other reasons you'd possibly do this.Perhaps you want to be the one to _tell_ Sara, huh? You don't _care_ about her. On the contrary; you want to break her heart. Maybe see the look in her eyes when you tell her that the girlfriend she loves enough to bring home and meet her friends is, in fact, cheating on her. And not just any affair, no, by the sounds of it, they really _love_ each other."

I looked at her and she still showed no signs of interjecting. Actually, she looked a bit scared. That satisfaction only fueled me on. Right. _Last one._

"Is that it, huh? You get to tell her, make her realize what a sad, little pathetic life she leads? Bring her down to your level? And let's face it, it's easy to see why you'd try. Putting aside, for the moment, that listening in on other people's phone conversation is a class B felony punishable by prison time, it's also a sniveling, sick, disgusting -and let's face it, fairly creepy thing to do, and very obviously reflective of the _oh so _productive and happy life you do lead."

I was breathing heavily now, irate at this woman. "And you know what? Plainly, you and Sara have your shit. I wish that you didn't, because it very clearly causes her pain. I don't know what happened, but you had your chance with her. A shot in the dark here- I don't think it turned out that well."

I had her up against the building now. My tone was cutting and deadly.

"Accusing someone of infidelity is a _very_ serious, _very_ dangerous thing to do. You _don't_ take it lightly, you _don't_ make assumptions based on one _overheard _phone call, and you _really, really _don't brandish that information like a flaming sword- even if it is corroborated. It ruins lives. And as fun as that might sound in theory,"

I gave her a hard look and a predatory grin.

"As really, _really_ fun as that sounds sometimes, you rarely feel as good as you think you will. Mostly you just feel sick inside." I stepped away from her. "Oh," I said, trying to sound off-hand about it. "And not that it's any of your business, but Lindsey is my ten year-old daughter."

I watched her eyes widen at that bit of news.

I smiled genuinely at the thought, "My _daughter,_ whom Sara happens to adore, and who loves Sara and thinks of her as just as big a part of her life as I am." I shook my head at her, but I felt the niggling sensation of guilt that always sets in after I've taken my anger out on someone. "You know, I really hope you find someone who makes you happy." I hesitated, then added, "If Sara ever found it in her to love you, then you're probably a really good person at heart. Maybe, next time we meet, you'll have found yourself again."

Vicki looked a bit shell shocked. I couldn't really blame her. But she had asked for it.

I turned to go up the hill and found Sara standing beside the door of the shop, studying me with a curious, slightly astonished, expression. I didn't have the energy to be embarrassed, instead, I just linked my arm through hers and pulled her up the hill. I rested my head on her shoulder.

"How about a late lunch?" I suggested. "I could eat an elephant."

Sara craned her neck over my shoulder at the place where Vicki was probably still leaning against the building, "Uh…sure," then she looked back at me and smiled, "If it's still there, some of my friends have an all-day breakfast place about ten blocks this way."

"Yum."

"It's all vegetarian."

I sighed, "Of course it is."

Sara looked at me worriedly, "It has eggs. We can go somewhere else if you-"

I pecked her on her readily available shoulder, "It's fine, Sara. I really don't mind." I looked up at her cheekily, "So how much did you hear?"

She bit back a laugh, "Umm…I came in somewhere around 'Do you genuinely care about Sara?'"

"Good, you only missed the beginning then."

"It was interesting to watch. I've never noticed how unbelievably frightening you are when youunleash the Wrath of Cath."

"Is that what they're calling it these days?"

"Yes. You know, I didn't think you got that angry with anyone but _me_."

I smiled; Sara sounded a bit put out. "Don't worry babe, you're much more fun to fight with."

"Yeah?"

I laughed at her pleased expression. It was totally bizarre given the topic of conversation. "Sure. She held absolutely _no_ challenge. Her counter arguments were either non-existent, or ill-supported. Complete amateur. Besides I'd have to get very worked up to fight with her, whatever we were fighting about would have to be very important."

"And with me?"

"For you, I could find a reason to argue over a pair of socks."

"That makes me feel better."

I kissed her shoulder again, "No worries, you're the only girl I'd fight with." I gave her a coy smile.

For a moment, our eyes met and I felt my chest fill with something that definitely was not air. But then we were both cracking up with laughter and I couldn't be sure that it had happened at all.

A minute later, we stopped across the street from a small restaurant with a patio. I looked up at the sign above the door. I pursed my lips to keep from giggling. "Is this where, we're eating, Sar?"

She nodded, "Uh-huh. I'm glad it's still here, they've got these amazing huevos rancheros with homemade mango salsa…" She grabbed my hand to cross the street.

"Uh, Sara?" I asked as we dashed across.

"Yeah?"

I was trying so hard not to laugh. "Are your friends, by any chance," I shook my head, "by any chance…lesbians?"

Sara raised an eyebrow at me. "Yeah, Kate and Patti. They're actually twins. They're both artists. Patti's partner, Ann, has a family farm a ways outside the city so they get a lot of their ingredients from there. And Kate's long time girlfriend, Karin, is a CPA, otherwise this place would be a mess. Why?" Sara furrowed her brow, "That doesn't bother you, does it?" She sounded unsure.

I smirked. _Um, how about a great big 'no'? _"Not at all, not at all, it's just…" I started to point up with my finger but waved it off at Sara's blank look. "Nothing, never mind. Let's just get some food. I'm starving."

Casting one more glance upwards, I circled Sara's waist with my arm. Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes. _Sheesh. Lesbians. _Then, giving Sara a reassuring smile and one more peck on the shoulder, I guided us both through the door, and under the bright purple sign that read _The Love Muffin._

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

As it turns out, _The Love Muffin_ was delicious. (_Shut up.)_ Walking out, I turned to Sara, "So? What's next?"

Sara's face grew grim as she was brought back to the real purpose for today's errands. "Flowers," she said quietly, staring at the pavement. "My friend Charlotte's family has a really nice shop across town. I already called to tell her we were coming."

I smiled at her and touched her arm, "Okay."

When she looked at me, I drew in a quick breath. I knew that Sara's moods could change quickly, but we were talking mach speed this time. We had just had a blissful lunch, managing not to talk about the girls or their fathers. But now, Sara's eyes were unveiling hurricane force winds. It had always bothered me to see that look, but after the last few days, I positively ached for her.

The amount time I was hesitating before touching her was getting shorter and shorter. This time I paused for only a second before I gathered her in my arms. I felt my heart swell as she returned my embrace with equal intensity. She wouldn't cry, not out here around all these strangers, but her breathing was ragged and uneven with the effort it took to keep the tears at bay. I just held her. Standing on my tiptoes, she was supporting most of my weight, but at least that way she could rest her head on my shoulder.

Long minutes passed and my grip didn't slacken until she pulled away. When she did, I continued to hold her forearms as I searched her eyes. The pain was still there, I hadn't really expected it to disappear, but I could see Sara coming back to me.

"What do you say, we walk back to the car, drive to your friend's shop, order the flowers, and then spend the rest of the day curled up on the deck listening to the waves? Hmm?"

She smiled wearily and nodded, "Cat…"

"Yeah, babe?" I could count her eyelashes from where I stood.

"You're just so…" she touched my face and I fought to keep my eyes open. I had lost the battle not to lean into her palm before it had begun.

I smiled at her expectantly. _What was I just so?_

She shook her head and dropped her hand. "Nothing." She looked away and back at me. "Thank you just doesn't seem adequate anymore."

I sighed my disappointment while the slightly darker part of my brain thought _well, if it doesn't seem like enough, maybe we could work out some other kind of arrangement… _I masked my confused, but generally frustrated and slightly hurt, feelings with the warmest smile I could manage. "Then I suggest you stop saying it. I didn't come here for thanks, Sara. I came here for you." _Whoa, talk about subtext. _"You should just get me a present in advance for all of the thank you's you've yet to give me." I joked.

Sara tilted her head and smiled softly, she held out her hand to me, "The fastest way to the car is to cross this way."

The twenty minute car ride passed in silence, both of us content to dwell in our own thoughts. I was so distracted that I failed to notice when the car stopped. Sara came around and opened my door for me. Once again, she held out her hand for me to take. And once again, I took it, no questions asked. _Some friends walked around holding hands, right? That happened. Okay, so none of my friends, but there was a first time for everything._

Sara came to a halt before an upscale florist's that was a part of a whole chain of manicurist's, salons, consignment shops, and boutique-y type stores. I made to go in, but she held me back. Her expression was hesitant and slightly worried. Her eyes kept flicking between the door and my shoulder.

"Sara?" I raised my eyebrows.

She grimaced and then looked apologetic. "I feel like I kind of need to warn you…Charlotte is a former lover as well." She bit her lip before hurrying on. "But I really like her, she's one of the few people I kind of kept in touch with. I want to keep her as a friend. So, could you maybe, I don't know, _not_ attack her? We broke up amicably and mutually. Plus, she's been dating this guy for like two years now and I promise that she's not going to-"

I covered her mouth with my hand, laughing, "Sar," I shook my head, "I'm not on a personal crusade against every person you've ever slept with. If you like her, I'll like her. I'm not going to _attack _her, as you so dramatically put it."

"Woman." Sara said when I removed my hand.

I looked at her, trying to ascertain if that was supposed to mean something, "Yes, you are." I patted her shoulder and gave her the smile I reserved only for Grissom, when he was being particularly inarticulate, and, well, crazy people.

Sara smirked and swatted at me, "No. You said 'every person I've ever slept with'" she shrugged, "I've never actually made it all the way with a guy, so…every woman I've ever slept with."

"Oh. Okay…I stand corrected."

Sara half-smiled, nodded once, spun, and disappeared inside.

I stood outside a minute longer, trying to school my features. Despite what I had just told Sara, when she had said the words _former lover, _I had been ready puke. Or kill someone. Or at least break something. And then she went and said what she said!

Well, that definitely clears _that_ question up. Not that it wasn't mostly answered by the day's earlier events. But that was demonstrative evidence; hearsay presented by character witnesses. Sara had just…that was irrefutable evidence; testimony given of free will; that was a full out and out confession- no jury could throw that away, no lawyer could contest it. She had said it. Sara had said it. She had said that…she was gay. As in she…! As in we could…!

I had to work so hard not to do a happy dance right then and there. Sara liked women! As in she _like _liked women! Not just occasionally while she was off men for a bit, but generally. Customarily. Principally. Habitually. As a rule.

Wow. Well…that could…come in handy.

I drew myself up. Okay. Not the time. I needed to get inside. Worry about the logistics of the absolutely impossible, later. Right now, Sara needed me for moral support. Taking a deep breath, I suppressed all feelings of excitement, nervousness, and cutting jealousy. I was just a friend, a nice, supportive friend. A friend who did _not_ want to rip the throat out of anyone who'd ever laid a hand on Sara. Not at all.

When I stepped into the shop, I saw Sara at the counter; she was bending over and flipping through a binder. Getting closer, I could see it was filled with different types of flower arrangements. Not thinking, I lay my hand on Sara's lower back, where her navy blue top had pulled out of her jeans, exposing a fairly large expanse of skin. I felt her tense immediately, and I thought that I had made a mistake- pushed her too far. I pulled up, leaving my hand hovering above her back.

She looked over at me, chin resting in her hand, propped up on her elbow. Her expression somewhere between sad and nervous, "It's okay." She whispered. "You don't have to be afraid to touch me."

My sigh was one of relief as I let my hand run over her skin, allowing my fingertips to drift lightly under her shirt. I shook my head, "I'm not afraid to touch you, Sara. I just don't want scare you away. I don't want to overstep…assume too much."

She smiled weakly, shaking her head. "Your touch _doesn't_ scare me, Cat." There was an underlying laugh to her tone. "Assume away." The last part was so soft that I almost didn't catch it.

But I did.

And I watched her eyes, trying to find the meaning in them. _Had she just…? That didn't sound friendly to me. But how was I to know?_ A very bad idea occurred to me. And even as good, sensible Catherine began to rise up in attempt to clamp down on all potentially disastrous ideas, I knew I was going to do it anyway. _Deep breath. Shit, you are so dead for this one…_

Looking straight into her eyes, studying her expression intently, I halted the soft movements of my fingertips on her flesh. She felt it. She gave me the one raised eyebrow questioning look. I hesitated. One beat. Two beats. I blinked. Then my hand descended again. But not my fingertips this time. Slowly. Deliberately. My nails made contact with her skin. I felt a jolt of electricity flash through me as I watched her eyes shut of their own accord. I sunk my nails in deeper and just about died when she bit her lip involuntarily. Finally, I moved my hand across her lower back, dragging, raking my nails over her flesh. My eyes were riveted to her reactions a she inhaled sharply and bared her teeth in an unsuccessful attempt to bite back a low whimper. My breath hitched so loudly, I'm not sure it was a hitch at all; it was more of a gasp.

My hand moved to softly massage the marks I was sure I had just left. Lazily, Sara opened her eyes and gazed into mine. Neither of us spoke. My breathing was heavy and I'm sure my cheeks were as hot as hers. I have no idea what she was thinking, but I definitely know what was running through my mind. _What now?_

"Sara? Is that you?" came a voice on the opposite end of the store.

Sara shifted, blinked, looked at me a few seconds more, then stood and turned around. "Hey, Char."

They began talking. But I stayed where I was for another moment.

_Holy. Shit._

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

**Ha. The fun thing about being me? I know what's going to happen and you…well, you don't, do you? And if you want to find out- you have to review!!! The Power! THE POWER!!!! **

**Oh, and just so people know, I lied about the t-shirts. My father is also King of Spain.**


	10. Your Light

**A/N: You people are wonderful, you know that? So, here it is, just under my self-imposed deadline. I hope you like it. I promise that the next chapter will be up in a few days. XOXO Myx**

Once again, I found myself wanting to escape the company of Sara's friends. But for a slightly different reason, this time. Charlotte Whitney seemed like a very interesting, very intelligent, and very sweet woman. She was cute, with her long, brown hair, wide-set blue eyes, and prominent but flattering nose and lips. She had a master's degree in horticulture, she had won awards for her cross-breeding of orchids, and her winning smile seemed warm and sincere. She was probably a very nice person, and I'm sure we would have gotten along really well.

Except for one little thing.

I felt a vein in my neck begin pulse and threaten to pop every time she touched Sara. And she touched Sara. A lot. She hugged her, rubbed her back, stroked her arm, kissed her cheek. Periodically, she would rest her head on Sara's shoulder for no apparent reason, and I _swear_ she did it just to piss me off.

I did realize, of course, how ridiculous I was being. This woman seemed to be very nice, she didn't know me, I had no claim to Sara whatsoever, and it was evident that she and Sara had a very close, very _tactile_ relationship. I was being stupid; I _knew_ this. But that didn't keep me from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw as I watched them draw up a color scheme for the service and subsequent reception. _Could you die from glaring at someone's back for too long?_

It really didn't help that every time I looked at Sara, I was reminded of what had transpired between us a scant fifteen minutes ago. I needed to think. I needed air. I needed some perspective, and watching Charlotte 'Lilac is always a classic choice' Whitney cover Sara's hand with hers was _not_ the way to get it. I needed out.

"Sar?" I stayed several paces away. Touching her, no matter how much I wanted to, wasn't going to help me right now.

Sara turned to look at me, her head cocked in question.

"I'm going to step outside and get some air, okay? I'm not really any help here, and it's such a beautiful day."

She shrugged noncommittally, which irked me a little. Her behavior seemed somewhat chilly given what had transpired between us a moment ago. She turned her back again, somewhat curtly, I thought. "That's fine."

Charlotte looked at Sara's back and shrugged. Then she rolled her eyes and smiled at me, as if to say _same old Sara._ The vein in my neck twitched. _That wasn't remotely annoying. _"There's a bit of a park about three blocks up." She shrugged again, "It's a good place to go when you need to think" She looked pointedly at me, and I wondered if she were trying to tell me something. I decided that if she was, she would have to try a little harder, because I had no clue what her super secret message was.

I did, however, like the idea of a park. "Great. Thanks." My words were brisk. I hesitated a moment. "Bye, Sara."

Sara didn't even look up. The only sign that she had heard me at all was a low, grunted, "Hmm," of acknowledgment.

_Right._ I clenched my jaw. _Fine._

I spun on my heels and stalked out the door without looking back, not even remotely sure what I was feeling at the moment. I think the door may have slammed behind me, I wasn't paying attention. I only knew that my emotions drifted somewhere within the range of wildly ecstatic, deeply hurt, and supremely pissed off. Hands shoved in my pockets, I went in search of the park.

I found it easily enough, and claimed a bench far enough away from the children and families that were giggling and shrieking there, but still out of the shade of the trees. I lay myself out and watched the clouds pass overhead. For the second time that day, I found myself deliberating over the many puzzles that Sara had begun to present in my life. _What the hell had gone on in the flower shop? Why had I done what I did? Was there life after death by confusion and humiliation? _A little voice in my head whispered slyly, _you've always liked puzzles._ I played very loud mental music to block it out.

I decided I would approach this _calmly_ and _rationally_.

I had already admitted that I liked Sara as more than a friend. She's an intelligent, attractive, well-educated, employed woman with a government pension and a sense of humor. Who wouldn't think she was a catch? I liked Sara as more than a friend. So what? Loads of people probably did. Except now it seemed I was going to have to revise that statement to 'I like Sara in much the same way one _likes…_oxygen.' That's quite a jump.

Because if you _just_ have a crush on someone or if you're _just_ sexually attracted to them, you don't get crazy jealous, do you? You don't want to walk to the ends of the Earth to protect them from the tiniest bit of pain. And you _don't_ have the urge to run into their arms when you're scared or confused. And you really, _really_ don't find yourself daydreaming about loving them, and holding them, having a family with them, and spending the rest of your life with them. My thoughts pulled up short. _Oh, shit. _I hit the back of my head against the bench. _This was SO not good._

I had to be realistic about this, these feelings weren't going away anytime soon. They were strong, really strong. I had to figure out a way to control them. Because there was no chance that Sara felt the same way. _Or was there?_ All day, and to some extent since we got to California, she had been very touchy-feely, and she had opened up to me emotionally and trusted me enough to bring me into her life. That alone didn't mean anything, but what about in Joe and Maureen's store when her hands had been all over me and she had given me those kisses? And what about the blatant flirting on the way to lunch? And during lunch? And what about what just happened at the counter in Charlotte's?

I shut my eyes as I relived those seconds. _God. Her expression was the sexiest one I had ever seen._ She had as good as told me to touch her. So, I did. And wow. I had never felt so charged in my entire life! And Sara had very clearly been turned on as well. But then, before I left, she had been acting so distant. Had she changed her mind and felt bad? Or had she been teasing from the start and when she opened her eyes to realize I was serious, it freaked her out? This was giving me such a headache.

My mind began to veer into the uncharted waters of the very, very hypothetical.

Let's pretend, for a moment, that she did return my feelings._ So what? _What could we do? I couldn't just try it on with her, could I?I had Lindsey; she had Ayla and Maggie. We had our careers. Technically, I had seniority over her. Eventually someone would get sacked or quit or kick the bucket, and I would be made supervisor- what would we do then? Our jobs were too important to either of us for one of us to switch.

Plus, you cannot _date _while simultaneously raising three kids and working eight hour shifts. You just can't. You can have casual sex and fun outings with people you never bring home- I'd had varying degrees of success with that, or you could function as a married couple. Those were really the only two options. When there were children involved, you either had to keep your romantic life completely separate from them or you had to integrate them into it. There was no middle ground.

No. _No_, no, no, no. It would not, could not work. That was clear. It should not happen. It would _not_ happen.

I sighed as I watched a cloud pass by rather quickly. A chill started to spring up in the late afternoon air.

_It wasn't that simple though, was it?_ It's all well and good to say it, but in the end, could I abide by my own decisions? I wasn't sure that I could. Mainly, because I didn't really want to. I wanted Sara. I really wanted her, and I was beginning to think I might need her as well. I shook my head. This wasn't helping. Still confused, I stood up and headed back.

A half a block away from the shop, I paused. Sara was standing outside, her eyes on the sky. I watched as the wind picked up a bit and began to play in and out of her hair. The temperature had dropped significantly in the last few minutes, clouds had sprung up from nowhere to cover the sky, and Sara bent her knees, drawing her shoulders in against the cold. Her expression was dark and pensive.

A car alarm went off on the street above me. I looked over my shoulder at the sudden sound, and when I looked back, Sara had seen me.

She caught my gaze and I frowned slightly at the expression on her face. I crossed my arms over my chest, unsure of myself. I had never seen that look in her eye before. It was her typical brooding, puzzled expression- the kind she got when we really needed a break in a case. But now, there was a new depth to it, a stormy mix of seriousness, nervousness, determination, and…and fear. Something about it set me on edge. When I didn't move forward again, Sara dropped her gaze to the sidewalk and started up the hill to see me.

When she was a foot away, she looked up at my face again quickly before settling her gaze on what I told myself was my arms, because otherwise it would mean that Sara was staring at my breasts. She was biting her lip and shifting her weight from side to side. She was obviously nervous, and obviously the cutest nervous person in the world. She drew in a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. When she looked up at me, her expression was determined.

"Cath," she began, "I…" she stopped, apparently reconsidering her words. Instead she sighed, placed one hand on my hip for balance, and leaned in to kiss me sweetly, swiftly on the cheek. She pulled back. "Here." She produced a single flower from somewhere and waited for me to take it.

My eyes went wide, as I held the sleek stem between my fingers. "Sara, it's stunning."

"Yeah, well…" she shrugged and looked sheepishly down at her hands. "I saw it in one of Charlotte's special cases in the back, and it reminded me of a lot of you," she said quietly.

"Sara…"

It was a calla flower, or a calla lily. I knew it from being maid of honor at my sister's wedding. But I had never seen one this color before. White, and yellow, and peach, sure; but never a color this intense. At first glance, it seemed to be just a vibrant orange. But as you watched it, the colors seemed to shift into golden and sunshine yellows, and warm pinks and corals. Even more mysterious were the rare veins of deep blues, purples and emerald greens. It was spectacular. My heart was beating in me ears from her last statement.

She interrupted me, growing nervous and cracking her knuckles. "I mean it…it reminded me of lots of other things too, you know. Like the colors the clouds turn when the sun sets over the water…" she was babbling.

"Sara…"

"Or the umm…you know, Northern Lights? –The Aurora Borealis…"

"Sara…"

"Or the inside of the beating human heart that I saw in this documentary on the-"

Smiling, I gently pushed her chin up causing her to have to a) stop talking, and b) look me in the eye. "Sara, thank you. It's perfect."

She beamed at me, "Yeah?"

I nodded. My fingertips were still under her chin; I brought them down. "But, honey, why are you giving me a flower?"

She dropped her eyes again and I sighed; we were seriously going to have to work on this eye contact thing. She fiddled with the band of her watch. "Oh, well…" her voice got quieter, "…you seemed a bit upset when you left. And I was really distracted and not very sociable and I thought it might have been my fault that you left. Plus, you said I should get you a present for all the thank you's I'm going to owe you. And I know one flower isn't going to cover that but…" her voice was hopeful as she looked at me with wide liquid eyes. _Ohh._ "I was sort of hoping it would cover a couple 'I'm sorry's?"

I smiled warmly at her. Why did she have to go and be so wonderful? I carefully wrapped my arms around her to avoid crushing the flower. "You don't have anything to be sorry about, sweetie." I whispered in her ear. Pulling back, I grinned, "But I'm keeping the flower. I really like it."

Sara beamed at me.

A chilly gust blew through the street and I shivered. "Are you ready to go now?" I asked, more than ready to collapse into a nice hot cup of espresso.

Sara looked at me, "What? Oh," she shook her head, "I actually need to return a phone call. Why don't you go in and stay warm? I forgot how fast the weather can change when you're on the coast. Hang out with Charlotte for a minute and then I'll come in and sign some stuff and we can take off."

"You're not coming in?" Alone time with Sara's ex wasn't exactly on my top list of things to do.

"No, there's no service in the store, and I don't want to tie up Charlotte's line for as long as I'm going to be on."

That made sense. And I was getting quite cold. Damn. Okay, former girlfriend, here I come. "You promise you won't be too long though, right? I mean, I know I promised not to attack her but…accidents have been known to happen."

She smirked, "I won't be long. Try to keep from killing her, though? As fond as I am of you, I _would _have totestify against you in court. Plus, I'd have to take back my flower."

I shielded the calla with my body and looked sneaky, "Nope, it's _my_ flower now." Another gust of wind blew by. "Alright." I tried to sound long suffering. "I'll see you in a minute." Bravely, I elevated up on my toes and returned the cheek kiss. Then, not waiting to see her reaction, I spun and went down the hill.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

Charlotte's shop was actually very nice. Tastefully decorated, pretty view. Not that I noticed much of it. I mostly wandered around in a daze, my fingers periodically skimming over the smooth petals of _my_ flower. My _perfect_ flower. My perfect flower that _Sara_ gave me. Not much else mattered. I stopped in front of a poster on one wall. I stood reading it for several minutes, brushing the calla back and forth over my lips.

"It's a rose chart."

I spun. Charlotte was standing not too far behind me, also looking at the poster. "I'm sorry?"

She pointed at the wall, "It's a rose chart."

I raised an eyebrow. _What the hell did that mean?_ I wasn't one of those_ flower people_, I couldn't just read her mind "Explain."

She shrugged. "All flowers have meanings. Most even have different meanings based on color and variety. _Roses_," she gestured at the poster again, "are by far one of the most popular commercially sold flowers. But people have the most annoying habit of buying the wrong rose for the wrong occasion. People are always buy red roses for first dates or dance recitals or whatever. So, I put this poster up to tell people all of the different meanings for the different colored roses. It saves time."

I stroked the stem of my flower and smiled. A part of me was thinking, _flower snob!_ But the vast majority of my brain was still skipping off somewhere on a Caribbean island, singing my new favorite song entitled, 'Sara gave me a flower!!' I paused in my rejoicing.

"Huh. That makes sense." I looked at my perfect flower, and then asked, curious, "Did you say _all_ flowers have meanings?" I looked up.

She smiled softly and eyed my flower. _Step off, bitch, this flower is mine! You can't have it!_ She could tell what I was thinking, "Pretty much. Not ones that were just discovered recently, and not the ones that only grow in really remote places. But basically, yeah- almost all of them."

"Yeah?" I tried to sound casual, "So, uh…what do callas mean?"

She tilted her head and studied me for a moment. Then, she nodded. She moved towards the swinging double doors at the back of the store, and motioned for me to follow her. I went after her, thought somewhat reluctantly. This was always that part of the movie where the blonde gets locked in a freezer filled with dead bodies, or something equally morose. Not that I've never been in a freezer with dead bodies, I have- several times, in fact. Though, I'm sure the effect is altogether different when there's a good chance you won't come out alive.

But walking through to the back, I didn't see any freezers at all. Just rows upon rows of tables laid down with aluminum foil. The tables were completely covered in orchids. Some of them were in full bloom, and some were in various stages of growth. There were bright lights, humidifiers, heat lamps, little machines whose sole purpose appeared to be to spray plants with mist. Hydroponics. I'd seen it before, but never used for a legitimate and legal purpose. Charlotte popped her head around the corner and smiled at me.

"Comin'?" she asked.

I followed her down a hallway. "Uh, yeah. Your setup is pretty impressive. You could have quite the little grow operation if you wanted."

She chuckled, "Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind. I'd make a hell of lot more money then I do selling orchids. But the thought of prison always stops me." She shuddered, "I don't think I'd last very long."

I laughed in spite of myself. "Coming from a woman who spends much more than her share of time in penitentiaries; trust me, you wouldn't. But don't worry, that's a good thing. Anyone who can _handle_ prison and come out on top- those are not people you want to spend your day with."

She nodded, "Sara has said as much. When she first became a CSI," Charlotte shook her head, "She thought nothing could be worse than dead bodies on slabs. But…"

I nodded in understanding, "It gets a whole lot worse when they have names and families, and when you realize that all your hard work ended up doing was ruining one more person's life- and that's the best case scenario. Yeah, you try not to think about it like that, but some days you just can't help yourself. Even so, I love my job, and I know Sara does too. It makes everyday a challenge. Neither of us can stand to just have it easy. I think it makes us nervous."

I went quiet. I had never thought about it like that before, but it was true. Sara and I had a lot more in common than I'd ever thought. We were both hard workers, strong thinkers; independent women. We both lived for the challenge our careers provided us. We were survivors. But more than that, we didn't know anything else. Sara craved challenge and needed it, just like I did. Huh. A spark began to burn in my mind. Did that mean that we might be able to do this? It wasn't totally impossible. Sara was the kind of woman that never gave up on anything, she was just as stubborn as me. Of course, that could be a disastrous combination, but if we did it right…if we did it right, then maybe it would work. Maybe I could get it right this time.

Charlotte agreed, "We have a saying around here; No such thing as an idle Sidle. I think our friend Ginger coined it back when she was still just Robert. Sara can't just do something for the sake of doing it. If she does something, you can be sure she's thought about from every angle she can think of, and she's thought about it twice over." She looked pointedly at the blossom in my hand. She raised her eyebrows at me. "Very little that Sara does is accidental or without purpose." She looked at me a moment longer, but I wasn't about to give anything away. She sighed and ushered me through another door, "This is what I wanted to show you."

I gasped. Three of the walls were dressed floor to ceiling in flowers. It was several degrees warmer in here, and considerably more humid. The colors were brilliant beyond belief. I could only name a few of the plants; bird of paradise, passion flower, exotic orchids, and dozens more some of which I had never even seen before. And half of the far wall was taken up with the many varieties of calla lily.

"The calla lily isn't technically a sub-tropical rainforest flower," Charlotte was saying, "But it survives perfectly well in the climate, so I keep it here. It really doesn't belong with the grasses and overly cheerful wild flowers it usually cohabitates with. It has far too much presence and majesty for that. It's a proud, independent plant- never more than one flower to a stem." I started to think that maybe Charlotte wasn't _all there._ At least this was a better place to die than a freezer. She stepped forward and picked out a deep purple-red calla lily and held it out to me.

As I surveyed it, she spoke, "The Black calla lily, as well as the Burgundy calla lily are associated with matrimonial ceremonies, the Queen Whites are a sign of purity, grace, and elegance, the Green Goddesses mean _Remember me,_ and signify lasting love." She replaced her calla lily in it's vase and gestured for me to give her mine. Begrudgingly, I handed it over. She caressed its spine almost reverently, then looked at me. "All callas represent magnificent and undying beauty."

My eyes widened at that.

She went on, studying my face the whole time while she unthinkingly turned the stem of my flower in her grip. "While Sara and I were dating, I took a course on decorative horticulture. For weeks, she helped me to study the meanings of plants and flowers. If you know Sara at all, then you'll know that she rarely forgets anything. This calla lily is known as the Firelight Calla." She handed it back to me and sighed. "It means…" she hesitated, "it means _your light guides me home._"

I looked up at her sharply. "What?"

"For ten minutes after you left, she didn't say a word. When she finally spoke, she asked me _specifically_ for _that_ flower."

I was stunned. I knew what she was saying. I just couldn't take it in. I felt the world around me go oddly mute. _Sara never forgot things, and Sara never did anything that wasn't deliberate, intentional, and planned._ Sara had chosen this flower and, knowing its meaning, purposely presented it to me the way she had. If all of those statements could be held to be true, then the only logical conclusion was that Sara…

"Oh, my God…" I couldn't stop it from coming out.

Charlotte nodded grimly, "For Sara, what you're holding in your hand says more than an entire sea of red roses ever could."

"Oh, my God…" I was in complete shock.

"What are you going to do?"

"What?" This was potentially life-altering news and this woman wanted to what? _Gossip?! _Not the freaking time, woman!

She sighed. "Maybe I should explain something to you. Keep in mind that as I say this, I'm saying it as someone who loves her, but who loves her as a _friend._ And I mean it as a friend to you as well._"_

She waited for me to give some sign that I understood. I nodded.

Charlotte took a deep breath. "Sara is a treasure. I don't know what happened in Vegas, but something has hardened her…again."

The word 'again' was deliberate, and I did not miss it.

"Sara has people who love her here, people who let her be herself, express herself. More importantly, she has people that _she _loves; people she trusts. Before she came to us, Sara had rarely felt what it was like to love someone, even platonically or familiarly, and to have them love you in return. Her heart has been broken more than you or I could count- or live through. Before she came to us, she had been disappointed by people so many times, that she genuinely believed that disappointment was a _way of life_. When she came here, when Warren brought her into our circle of friends, it was a small group- six, seven people, maybe. She was shy at first, she didn't even know _how_ to be friends.

"But she learned. It took a long time for us to gain her trust, but when we did…" Charlotte smiled, "Sara is an _amazing_ person. She doesn't judge people or expect things from them; she doesn't hesitate to be your crying shoulder or your patient ear. Sara will support you through anything you want to do. And because of all that, people are drawn to her; fantastic people that are brilliant or hilarious or wonderfully kind, but they're wounded somehow. Maybe society has cast them out for their appearance, or their lifestyle choices, or their disabilities. Maybe it's their own nightmares, pasts, or shadows that plague them. Whatever the reason, Sara doesn't turn good people down. At any rate, there are now about thirty people in our inner circle, with an outer network of hundreds more. All because of Sara. She has a pure heart. There is very little that she won't forgive and just being in her presence makes you find goodness in yourself."

She sighed and shook her head, "But she does have a flaw. You've probably noticed it- she can't turn her pure heart in on herself. No matter how strong she acts or how wide she smiles. She is vitally aware of every mistake that she makes. She walks this Earth, headlong in the wind, one hundred percent sure that she should never have been given the chance to feel it on her face. Deep down, Sara Helena Sidle knowsthat she's just a waste of space. Not she _thinks._ She _knows." _She looked at me as if she were getting to what was so important. "This is something so ingrained in her, it has now become one of the fundamentals of who she is. It isn't something you can change, it's not something that will go away with time. And it shows itself everyday."

I felt a tight knot begin to form in my throat. _Why was she talking about Sara like that? _I wanted to yell at her to stop. _Stop! How can you say that about my wonderful girl? _I wanted to insist that I could be the one to change her. But I didn't. Truthfully, I wasn't sure at this point that I could change her.

She picked another Firelight Calla from the vase and spun in it in her fingers, her eyes on it's petals, she began again quietly, "Sara will _never_ truly believe you love her. She will _never_ feel completely secure in your relationship because she will never feel completely secure in herself." She met my gaze and held it, "If you choose to pursue something with Sara, you have to be ready to prove to her that you love her. Not just once, but over and over again. It will never end. Ten years from now she is still going to wake up expecting your half of the closet to be empty, she probably won't even expect you to leave a note. Not because it's something she thinks you're capable of, but because she believes it is something she _deserves._"

She replaced the flower. "Sara is an amazing person. She is also the only one who will never see that. She loves you. When you've been speaking 'Sara Speak' as long as I have, that much is clear. She already loves you, and I'd say she trusts you a good deal as well. But in her brain, how it works is she thinks she's not even worthy of the _right_ to love you. It's completely fucked. She doesn't expect you to reciprocate, she probably won't even let herself think that it's a possibility. And since you've been here listening to this and since you're crying, I'm guessing that there's a very good possibility."

I wiped at my cheeks; they were damp. I hadn't even realized I was crying. _Shit._ I turn all blotchy and pink when I cry, not to mention my make-up was running. If Sara turned up in the next ten minutes, there was no way I could feasibly deny the waterworks.

"Look, Catherine, you seem like a really wonderful person. And I genuinely believe that there is someone out there who can love Sara the way she needs to be loved. Maybe that person is you. But maybe it's not. All I'm saying is, be really, really sure. Because if you stop this now, and nothing every comes of it, Sara will be able to bottle up the hurt and pretend it away. But if you pull out after you've lived in her heart for a while…I don't think she'll live- and I do mean that literally."

I inhaled sharply. _She didn't mean…? Would Sara really do something like that?_

"I have no doubt that it would break her. I've seen her crack," she smiled sadly, "I've _made_ her crack." She looked at me as if she was weighing a decision. Finally she said, "There are so many reasons to want to be with Sara. And most of the time, being with her is like…it's like the sea she loves so much. It's like the sea on a perfect summer day. But there are other times…I'm not strong enough to ride out those storms. I wish I were." She smiled at the Calla in my hand. "Just be sure, Catherine. She's one of the best people I know- she's like that for a lot of us. She's gone back in her shell a lot since she left. It's almost as if she's lost her footing; back tracked. Because the whole time she was with us, it was like watching her climb up this mountain, getting closer and closer to the sunlight. And I swear, that just before she left, I swear she was almost, _almost_ there." Looking at her watch, she said, "Just think about it. We'd better get back out there, Sara must be done with her call by now."

I was torn between wanting to hurt this woman and wanting to hug her. I coughed and wiped the new tears away. "Sure. Yeah, let's go." I quietly followed her out the door and back out to the store front. Sure enough, when we got back out there, Sara was pacing back and forth beneath the rose chart. She looked up when we came in. I tried to keep my head down so that she wouldn't notice the obvious signs that I had been crying. Since that could only look suspicious, I decided to feign interest in the display cases.

"Hey, where were you guys? I signed all of the papers and mentally alphabetized the first two cases of flowers and reverse-alphabetized the third while I was waiting. Oh, and Char? I ran through my own transaction, if that's okay." I had the feeling that Sara was watching me.

"Sure, whatever. I know how much you hate waiting, Miss Impatience. I was just showing Catherine the flowers downstairs and the orchids. She said the same thing you did when you first saw them."

Now I could definitely feel her eyes boring into the back of my skull, I tried and failed to keep from deflecting it with hunched shoulders.

"Huh?" Sara asked distractedly, "Oh, yeah? I'm telling you, Char, that's your ticket to early retirement. I can even buy off PD if you want." Her joke was strained.

"I'll keep that in mind. Alright, so it's three different orders and color schemes. Obviously, the arrangements for Ducky's are completely on the house. You're covering the ones for the service and the Winger's have the reception. Everything will be delivered six hours in advance. Denny and Lola and me will handle the set up and breakdown at Duck's, don't worry about that, okay?"

"Great." Pause. "Thank you so much, Charlotte. Tell anyone you see that I say hi, and if I don't see them at the…umm…" she stumbled, "at the funeral, then I will definitely see them later on at Duck's."

"Of course, I will. And don't thank me. I loved Mattie and Warren, too, you know."

"Right…umm…Catherine?"

I cringed at the returning hesitance in her voice. It was the same tone she used to use when she had bad news about a case and was nervous that I would disregard the expression and, in fact, kill the messenger.

"Yeah?" I schooled my tone.

"Why don't we get going? I put the top up on the car; it's about to rain. It looks like we won't be curling up on deck chairs, but…" she hesitated, "Larry has a very comfy couch and a wall-mounted flat screen TV. And Tim has the world's largest classic movie collection of all time. So, we could curl up under lots of blankets and watch a movie and drink tea. If you want, that is?"

I shut my eyes tight at the uncertainty and hope in her voice. I took a deep breath, and turned around. Opening my eyes, I could tell by the look in hers that she knew I had been crying. I ignored her worried frown, "Sure, honey, let's go home." I smiled at Charlotte who nodded in return, and then I brushed past Sara and out into the windy street. I had no idea how I was going to face her when it was just the two of us alone in that car.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

**Well? Review! Push me over 100!!!**


	11. Life is About Learning

**A/N: Alright, another chapter up! Hope it gives you some resolution. I know it's going a bit slow, but be patient, it's going to start picking up pretty quickly. This one is super long, so I hope it makes up for being late and leaving you hanging.**

**A/N 2: Final review count last chapter was a bit disheartening. I can only assume that some of you did not read it to save yourself the cliffhanger. I fully expect you to review now if that's the case. To everyone who did review; I like you. You're nice. We should be friends. Keep it up.**

**A/N 3: This chapter is mostly dialogue. I hope it's not too boring. It's really important to the plot, I promise. I wouldn't write in twenty pages if it weren't necessary. You trust me, right? **

**Without further ado…**

The ride back was both more and less awkward than I had anticipated. On the one hand, Sara didn't ask me why I had been crying. On the other hand, Sara didn't ask me anything at all. The ride was conspicuously quiet. I didn't want to talk, but something about this silence was off. Like maybe more was being said than I realized. I had run through so many emotions that day, I wasn't even sure which way was up anymore. Maybe I was losing my mind.

I didn't know what I was meant to be feeling. I had realized that I had feelings for Sara and that those feelings ran much deeper than I had originally thought. Hot on the tail of that realization had been the discovery that Sara might feel the same way. But I hadn't even begun to process how I felt about that because before I had had the chance, all possibility had been squashed out by Charlotte's very unwanted and very _unhelpful_ informational onslaught. _Or had it been unhelpful? Had it made me not want to be with Sara?_

As Sara pulled into the car port, I jumped out and hurried inside without speaking to her. I hated being confused and unsure of myself. It made me antsy and nervous. I've also been known to become irritable and snappish. I didn't want to fight with Sara right now, so instead I chose to ignore her. I walked through to the kitchen where I found Tim and asked him if I could get a glass of water. He asked me where we'd been. I smiled distractedly and told him the general gist of our day, leaving out quite a few details, and then took my water out to the deck. Sara was right; it was going to rain. The sea was fierce and the clouds threatening. I saw several flashes of lightening along the horizon.

_God, what was I doing? What had all of that…stuff that Charlotte told me meant? _Would being with Sara _be_ that difficult? Suddenly it occurred to me that I had been imagining a relationship with Sara in the idealistic way that occurs in the minds of children, or in movies. _Happily Ever After._ But there never was a happy ending like in the movies, was there? Because things don't just end at first kisses or weddings. Even in a good relationship, things weren't smooth at every single second; they still required a lot of work. I knew _that_ well enough from my own experiences. I don't know why my brain would have thought things would be different with Sara. Of course they wouldn't be. That's just how things are.

But Charlotte had made it sound almost dangerous to become involved with Sara. As if she would break into a million tiny pieces at the first sign of trouble. She had all but said that Sara was suicidal. I argued with myself. _That couldn't be right._ Sure, Sara can be a bit under confident sometimes, but overall she's a very strong person. _But,_ another part of my mind insisted, _you've seen her lose control before._ It was true. During hard cases, especially the ones that involved women and kids, I had seen Sara lose her head. Had that been what Charlotte was talking about? Or maybe she was only speaking from her experience with Sara. That was years ago, Sara had changed a lot since then.

So maybe she was okay, now? Charlotte's words resurfaced in my mind. _Sara will never truly believe you love her…it will never end._ If that was true, I wasn't sure if I could handle it, if only because it made me mad when Sara didn't believe in herself and I couldn't sit by and watch that everyday. Maybe Charlotte was wrong…maybe I could find a way to prove to Sara that she was worth all the time and…and love in the world.

"You forgot this in the car."

I whirled around to see Sara standing a few paces away.

She was holding the calla lily. My throat constricted as I watched it. It had put such a smile on my face two hours ago. Now I wasn't sure that I could stand to look at it. It symbolized too much now, it settled a heavy weight low in my chest. I took it from Sara. It still hefted hopeful and beautiful in my palm. My heart skipped a beat when I thought that Sara seemed to think I deserved such a magnificent flower. That someone so wonderful seemed to think I was as wonderful as this.

"Thanks." I smiled weakly at her. "I'll go put this in some water, alright?" I moved to step around her.

She nodded, turning as I went by. "But could you come back to our room after that? I have something I need to talk with you about…in private. And I don't want to get interrupted by the rain." She pointed to the darkened storm clouds that were moving steadily nearer. "Meet you in five?"

A jolt of panic shot through me, but I managed a nod before I dodged into the house.

She wanted to talk? No, that wasn't right. There had been an intentional emphasis there; she wanted to _talk._ Shit. Was it about today? About the crying? About…_us?_

Finishing with the flower, I dragged my feet down the hall. Standing outside the bedroom door, I leaned my forehead against the cool wall. Whatever she wanted to talk about, I wasn't going to find out what it was standing here. I sighed. Sending up a silent prayer that I would be able to handle this, I pushed the door open and stepped in. _Who knows, maybe she just wants to talk about favorite movies or something._

Sara was leaning in the balcony doorway, her fingers gripping a handle and idly swinging one of the French doors back and forth. She was watching the storm. I sat on the edge of my bed and waited for her. She would have heard me come in, so I was going to let her start. Especially since I was praying I didn't know what she wanted to talk about.

At length, she turned from the open doors and blowing curtains, and faced me, her expression bleak. She went around to the far side of my bed and sat against the headboard, arms hugging her legs to her chest, chin resting on her knees. I copied her actions, sitting cross-legged with my hands in my lap. I looked down as I waited for her to begin.

She was wearing bright purple toe socks.

I'm not sure why exactly, but that observation calmed my nerves a bit.

She exhaled loudly. "I think…I think I'm going to have to keep the girls."

I exhaled loudly. Oh, thank GOD! I dropped my head against the headboard in relief. _This_ I could handle. I paused, waiting for her to continue. When she didn't, I ventured, "_Have_ to?"

She appeared not to notice the inflection in my voice and nodded. "I've been piecing the whole story together over the last day or so. It's a bit complicated. So, can I tell it through before you ask any questions?"

What? _Okay…_ "Yeah, sure." _I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but by all means; continue._

She nodded again and, looking straight ahead, began, "Last night at the Winger's, Molly approached me about the girls' custody. At first, she just wanted to know if my agreement with Matt and Warren was verbal, contractual, or if it was in fact legally documented, witnessed, and notarized. After I told her that we had had it notarized last year, she got sort of…I don't know how to put it…nervous, I guess. Then she started asking me different questions. Did I really want to take the girls…wouldn't it disrupt my life…was I aware of the responsibility it took to be a parent…did I think I was ready for such a responsibility…did I really think it was a good idea to move the girls away from their family and friends so soon after their fathers' deaths…that sort of thing.

"She kept going on and on. And then, after dinner, when you put Maggie to bed and went to call Lindsey, she asked what I thought of _her_ taking the girls. Went on about how she could provide a really nice home for them. How they would grow up with their cousins. She understood being a mom already and she'd be willing to take on the responsibility. I don't know, it started to make sense. In a way, it still kind of does."

This is where I was ready to jump in guns blazing. I am not the type of person to keep quiet about things. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to just…not say anything? Hard. Very hard. But I managed. Somehow. I knew it was important to let Sara finish. So I bit my tongue, literally, and stayed quiet. Instead, I just shut my eyes and screamed silently in my head;_ That doesn't make any sense whatsoever! I don't know what that crazy bitch wants, but she's got an angle. Nobody just says insensitive bullshit like that to people. She obviously wants something. I'm sure of it. _I felt a bit better.

"About fifteen years ago," Sara continued, "Molly had a really bad shopping addiction. I know how that sounds, but it was actually extremely serious. She was a total junkie. Without anyone even finding out, she wound up over fifty thousand dollars in debt. Bought all kinds of useless crap. In the end, her parents covered part of her debts on the condition that she repay them over time, and her then boyfriend now husband Danny paid the rest. She had to go through all sorts of special therapy and rehabilitation. She ended up being okay and she hasn't had a problem with it since."

_Huh. That's a lovely story._ _What the hell?_

"About three years ago, Warren tried to help Danny set up his own lumber yard. Roaster's Corner, Warren's coffee shop, was opening it's third location and doing really well, so Danny asked him for some help on the business side. And Warren did help, and for about eighteen months or so, everything seemed like it was going fine. But then Danny messed up by contracting a lot of the wrong people and ordering too much of the wrong stock, and around ten months ago, the entire thing went under. And because Danny had put so much of his own money in, he had to file for personal bankruptcy on top of owing the bank a ton of money."

_Huh. Not so lovely story. But again…what the hell?_

"I knew all of this from talking to Matt about it. I was under the impression that life was getting better for them. Danny had gone back to civil engineering, he was doing some pretty big jobs; things weren't great, but at least they were starting to clear the red zone." Sara shook her head and sighed. "Last night, Tony and Marie told me that Molly had started her compulsive spending again. Apparently the stress of the business folding triggered a relapse. Danny just found out from the credit card companies that she managed to spend more than _thirty thousand_ dollars."

I was beginning to see where this was going. The money had to come from somewhere.

Sara looked over at me for the first time since she began, her eyes seemed vacant, "I knew that Warren and Matt were doing well for themselves. Matt is a computer consultant, he works with a lot of the small businesses in the Bay Area and gets them all technologically savvy. It a skill that's in high demand these days. He was working a lot; he'd complain to me about how he never got to see the girls. And Warren's business was doing great. He'd won all sorts of awards. Best coffee in the city, best service, best atmosphere, best new business.

"They had five locations and were thinking of taking it up to Seattle and Portland.But I hadn't talked to them about it in about three or four months. Joey told me today that, about two weeks ago, Warren finalized a deal with a national marketer to allow them to build a franchise around Roaster's Corner and nationalize it over the next ten years." She looked down as she said, "The business sold for just under thirty million dollars."

My jaw dropped. That was…that was…that was a _seriously fucking_ _huge_ chunk of change.

Sara clenched her jaw in the same way she did when Gil was telling her that the evidence she had on a case was circumstantial at best and it wasn't enough to present in court. It was the kind of expression that, when made, people knew to take three giant steps back. "Even before that, their estate was worth five or six. I called Matt and Warren's lawyer- on a hunch. It was his call I was returning while we were at Charlotte's. Most of the money, more than half, is to be put into trust funds for the girls until after they turn twenty-five, and only to be used before then with regards to their education. Molly receives less than a million. The same for Warren's father and brother." She hesitated, that hard look still there, but softened a bit. "I, as myself, am to receive a little over three million plus their house and nearly everything in it." She shook her head as if in disbelief. "Most of the rest of the money, apart from some left for various charities and foundations, goes to whoever has custody over the girls in order to provide for them until they are due to inherit."

The hard look returned full force. "I think Molly only wants to take the girls because of the money."

I suppressed a snort. _Uh…ya think?_

"I just…her brother, who I know she loved, has been dead for barely three days and she…" She looked up at me, angry, but a bit bewildered, I think. "I never even thought about money! I don't know why. As soon as I thought of taking the girls, I just assumed I'd pick up the expense myself. If no one had ever said anything, I don't know when I would have thought to ask. I had no idea that they had left me anything, but they left me ten percent of their estate plus their house. To have already come up with a plan like that before I arrived- the money had to have been one of the first things through Molly's head! How is that possible?" She looked at me as if she was actually expecting me to answer.

"Well-" But I was interrupted.

"I don't get it. That's just so backwards. And it makes me so mad that she would try to manipulate me and use the girls like she did. So you see? I _have _to take the girls. How can I leave them with their aunt who values money over her family? Over the death of her own brother? I can't do that, can I? And you know what gets me even more? She could have just asked. I sure as hell don't need the money." Her tone was increasingly upset. "I would have _given_ her anything I didn't think I'd need to raise the girls- hell, I'd give her all of it if I could have Matt and Warren back. But I can't, so…I just don't get why she lied…" She was crying now. Or, at least, tears were trailing over her cheeks. She wasn't making any noise, though her breathing was erratic.

I sighed and scooted to the middle of the bed. Tentatively, I put an arm around her shoulders. When she didn't shrug me off, I pulled her until she sat right beside me. I ignored the fluttering in my stomach that said I might have selfish motivations for the contact. _She was so close to me._ Her left leg pressed tight against my right; Her head bending to rest on my shoulder; The curve of her _breast_ brushing against mine. _Someone kill me, please._ I literally had to shut my eyes to keep them from rolling back in my skull. My hands clenched into fists with the effort to maintain control.

_God. Here she is crying her eyes out and all you can think about is jumping her! Catherine, you have very serious problems! Get it together. Think friend. Think very supportive, helpful, and caring friend. Breathe._ When I felt I had my irrational and very age-inappropriate hormones under control, I opened my eyes and managed a comforting smile. _Think friend._

"Addicts lie, Sara. It doesn't matter if it's heroine, alcohol, chocolate, or shopping. They are always sure they have it under control until they don't, and even then, they'll do whatever they can to keep anyone from finding out. Even if she thought that you or Matt or her parents would give her the money, she wouldn't ask. That would mean she would have to admit she had a problem. Addicts can't see how much their addiction and the behavior it elicits are affecting their lives or the lives of those around them, usually until it's too late. I think you're right; you can't leave the girls with her. Money was the last thing on your mind and the first on hers. I'm sure she's a good person and maybe a good mother, but the chance that she will use that money for things other than the girls' well being is obviously way too great. The money she'll inherit will more than cover her own debts, and go a long way towards repairing her husband's. At this rate, if you really are taking the girls', she'll have to contest the will for any form of custody."

A sudden flash and subsequent dark rumble of thunder signaled that the storm was finally upon us. Sara and I both looked out at the charcoal sky, jumping when the wind violently thrust the balcony doors open. Sara got up to close them. She shook her head as she straightened the curtains.

"I don't think she'll do that," she said, walking back to me.

I was surprised when she returned to sit just as close, if not closer, than she had been sitting a minute ago. I was even more surprised when she casually rested her hand on my thigh. A part of me leapt for joy at the touch. But another part was cautioned by Charlotte's words. _I can't lead her on until I'm absolutely sure. You're not absolutely sure? If there wasn't Linds and Ayla and Maggie to think about, you know you wouldn't hesitate to throw yourself at her right now. But there is them to think about, I can't do anything that's going to disrupt any of their lives._

"Why not?" I fought to rein in my thoughts.

Sara watched her fingertips move against my leg and I shivered. _Please, God, say she didn't notice that._ If she did notice, she gave no acknowledgement of it.

She looked up at me and shrugged. "Nine years ago, when Matt and Warren had their formal commitment ceremony and merged all of their finances and assets, they re-wrote their wills. If one of them died, nearly everything was supposed to go to the other one and any kids they had." She cleared her throat. "In the event of both of their deaths with no children above the age of consent…I was appointed trustee of their collected assets. And we never changed it after I moved. That's how I was able to get that information about the money before it was released. They've set guidelines for me to follow, but technically, the estate is mine to divide as I see fit. I'll follow it to the letter, of course, but…" She shrugged again, "I doubt Molly will question testamentary capacity. To contest the word of dead men isn't that hard. But before she could seek any sort of legal motion, she would have to go through the trustee. Me. Without my approval and having been informed of her financial status and chronic compulsion, I doubt any judge in the California would overturn the will." She sighed. "I hope she doesn't try, it could take months or even years to see it through and in the meantime, the money would be tied up and the girls would become wards to the state."

This was heavy talk. As much as I knew I wanted to talk to Sara about taking care of the girls, I got the distinct impression that she wasn't ready for that conversation just yet. "I wouldn't worry about it. We'll just take it as it comes." I twisted around and lay my head in her lap. Smiling up at her, I said cheekily, "So tell me why you're the 'craziest dyke in the West.'"

She turned bright pink and made a face like 'if I stay very, very still, she won't see me'. "No comment."

I laughed. "Come on, Sidle. I'll find out sooner or later."

"Why don't we go make some tea?"

I shook my head. "Nice try. Would you rather I hear it straight from the horse's mouth or should I just ask Joey to tell me and then tease you mercilessly?"

"Catherine…" her whine was oh so pathetic and cute.

"If you tell me, I might consider not relaying it to the guys when we go home."

Her eyes got wide as saucer's and I saw I had struck a nerve. "You wouldn't…" she whispered, panicky.

I sighed, "No, I wouldn't. But I really, _really_ want to know." I gave her my best pathetic, pouty, pleading face. "Please?"

She smirked. Bit her lip. Shook her head. Stared accusingly at the ceiling for a moment. And then smiled down at me. "Fine."

_Yes! I am irresistible!_

"But you never tell another living soul, understood?"

I grinned wickedly. She could not resist me! I managed a solemn face and nodded. "Until my very last breath."

She glared at me and I burst out laughing.

"Come on, Sara, just tell me!"

Deciding that she would rather tell her purple socks, Sara spoke to them. "Okay, well…you have to understand, I was a lot younger when this happened. And a lot more stupid and reckless. And Joey is the only one who can call me that without obtaining serious injury." She began to absentmindedly play with my hair. It distracted me sufficiently enough that I forgot the teasing remark that had been on the tip of my tongue. _Wow, that's amazing._ _I would pay her to do this. Christ, that's sad._

"When I was nineteen, the summer after my sophomore year at Harvard, I was awarded a grant that allowed me to come home to work as an assistant to a very esteemed physicist. He's a very eccentric man and he could only work from eleven in the morning to three in the afternoon, Thursdays, Sundays, and Mondays, and twelve to four on Fridays. To this day I don't know why. Anyway, this obviously left me with copious amounts of free time."

"What did you do?"

Sara blushed. "Well, the few friends I'd had in high school had all…moved away, so aside from some old teachers I was close with, there weren't a lot of people to hang around with. Joey was still there though, and he let me hang out with him and all of his friends. Now, he's six years older than I am, and nineteen and twenty-five is a much bigger age difference than thirty-three and thirty-nine. And he was the youngest of all of his friends, so I was, on average, about ten years younger than most of the people I hung out with that summer. I dated-well, dated is a strong word, I guess I…got to know one woman, Eileen, pretty well. She was eight or nine years older. In retrospect, that had been a bad idea. I was just so excited that a grown woman as beautiful as she was would be interested in me…But the age difference created a lot of problems."

Okay, freeze. I hadn't even thought of that. I'm nearly eight years older than Sara. I mean, I did know that, but I just…oh, no. Would she have a problem with that? I didn't. Of course, she's younger- who complains about that? But am I too old for her? Forty… When she's forty-five, I'll be fifty-three. When she's seventy-five, I'll be…well, I'll be dead most likely, won't I? I guess it's a bit of a gap. Like there aren't enough problems with this situation. Please, God, don't let her have a problem with this.

I turned my head under her hand in my hair, and it caressed my cheek. She looked down at me, making eye contact for the first time since she began. Her hand returned to my hair, her thumb running along my jaw on the way. I closed my eyes. I momentarily lost total control of my body. I must have contracted a disorder. It's the only explanation. Because if I had a rein in on my own faculties, I would never have leaned into her touch. Or let out that annoyingly contented little sigh. Or allowed what I'm sure was a completely satisfied little smile to float on my lips. Of course, when my brain caught up, my eyes snapped open.

Sara was watching me. Sort of. Her eyes were on me. Her hands were on me. Both of them. One was still in my hair and brushing along the side of my face. The other was now resting on my stomach, inches above where my own hands rested, folded over my lower abdomen. I didn't know when that had happened, the weight didn't seem new, so it must have been awhile ago. You'd think I'd notice something like that. At any rate, Sara's eyes were focused on my face, but her mind appeared to be off elsewhere. I watched her watch me, in no hurry to lose this sense of intimacy. A full minute later, she seemed to come around. Her eyes lit up a bit and she smiled softly, looking me in the eye, her head cocked to one side. Her hand in my hair continued its musings.

"I was too young then. A teenager. Stuff like that hasn't bothered me for years. It was just too much back then."

I managed to regain control of my body long enough to hold in my sigh of relief. _Thank God_. "So…shacking up with an older woman doesn't constitute crazy dyke behavior in my book, Sara…"

She narrowed her eyes at me and scrunched her nose. "You don't give up, do you?"

I grinned and raised my eyebrows, "Never."

Sara mock groaned, and leaned heavily against the headboard. "Okay. So, no, hooking up with Eileen was not what I was going to say. That was just to illustrate the age of Joe's friends. They were mostly beach bums. Smoked a lot of grass, drank quite a bit, and occasionally surfed or protested something. I thought they were so cool. Anyway, a couple of the guys in the group ran a shack that rented water sports equipment. Jet skis, innertubes, long boards, that kind of thing. They also had a boat."

Sara went back to talking to her toes. "So, we had been drinking all day and were well and truly buzzed when Javi, one of the guys, proposed we all go use the boat and equipment to go parasailing." She coughed. "Now, keep in mind that I was one of three girls in a group of twelve, I was drunk, and I was desperately seeking approval from these people. Somebody suggested we go naked parasailing. As in only the ropes that tie you in and nothing else. It was probably supposed to be a joke. We all had atrocious bikini and board short tan lines. But Joey picked it up and kept after me. And that got a lot of the others going. Calling it my 'initiation.' I still wasn't going to do it, it was broad daylight, and we were within visible range of a tourist beach. But then Joey had to go and dare me, tell me I was afraid. So…I did it. It was actually kind of fun. When I got down, they told me that they had been joking and that hadn't really thought I'd go through with it." She shrugged. "Needless to say, I was accepted and cool in the group after that. And Joey came up with his little nickname. Which he has sworn not to mention in mixed company, and I forbid you to as well."

I was staring at her. That didn't hold with any account I had ever heard of Sara. But it was really funny. I laughed. "Well, thank you for trusting me with such classified Sara information."

She cocked her head to one side. "You're something special, you know that?" She twisted a piece of my hair in and around her fingers, fidgeting.

Blood thudded in my ears. _Joke and deflect. Joke and deflect!_ "Oh, I think I've heard it around."

She smirked. "And?"

"And…the jury's still out. No hard evidence. Testimony given by unreliable or heavily disillusioned and/or biased sources."

Sara smiled and shook her head.

"Okay, so I have two more questions."

She moaned exasperatedly. _So cute!_

"Don't worry, they're not about you. Not directly at least."

"Okay. Let's have it."

"What's with Joey and Maureen's store? It's the weirdest thing."

Sara laughed lightly. "That's one of your questions?"

"I'm serious! What is with all of that weird stuff? Who goes there and why? I don't get it."

"They just sell funky stuff. They actually manufacture or represent the maker of most of the products they sell. The store is kind of like an outlet store. They mostly sell their products to retailers across the country. The store is to clear out excess stock, bring in retailers, that kind of thing."

"Alright. What's with all the LGBT gear?"

"Well, aside from the fact that Joey and Maureen have a ton of gay friends, they are very active allies. Joey's brother was killed in the early eighties. Hate crime. And Maureen's college boyfriend was brutally beaten and lived in a vegetative state for six years before his systems failed. For being bisexual. So, they are pretty strong activists in the search for equality. It's sad, but it's pretty cool actually. They've done a lot already."

_Wow. That's really intense._ "Okay. I get that. But why take it out on the poor dog? Making him wear that shirt."

"What, Langston?" She shook her head. "He doesn't mind. He has about twenty of his own shirts, and they're all re-stitched to fit him right. He won't go for a walk without clothes on- he feels naked. You should see him at Pride. Full regalia. Visor, sunglasses, sneakers. We painted his white bits rainbow one year, but this nasty animal rights bitch said it was abuse. It wasn't. We got the paint that wouldn't burn his skin. And he liked how the brushes felt. He sat there patiently until were done, nose to tail. Last year he got selected to ride on a float. It was awesome."

I was confused. "Pride?"

"San Francisco Pride." She looked at me like I was supposed to know what that meant.

I shook my head.

"It's the best gay pride rally in the entire country, and one of, if not the, oldest and biggest. Two awesome days. Parades, fairs, concerts. I never miss it."

"Not even since you came to Vegas?"

Sara shook her head. "Haven't you ever noticed that the only time I take more than one or two vacation days is in late June every year?"

_Uhh…_ "No."

"Well I do. Four or five days. A bunch of my friends are really active in planning so I come a few days early and help out. It's so much fun. You have to come. It's not just gays, a lot of straight people come too. Joey and Maureen are big supporters."

I snorted involuntarily. _Did Sara think I was straight? Still? After everything that happened today? Okay…_

She frowned down at my smirk. "What?"

"Sara…" I gave her an incredulous look, "I'm not straight. Not by a long shot."

Her eyes grew to dinner plate size. I felt her body tense beneath me. She said nothing for about fifteen seconds. Then she blinked several times, "I…uh…I'm sorry, what? What did you say?"

"I said I'm not straight."

"Uh…how…how…how?" The words tumbled over her tongue as she pushed them out. She looked like she was going into a catatonic state. I was a bit concerned. At the same time, from this angle, it was pretty funny to watch.

"How…am I not straight?"

"Yes."

"Well," I smirked. "No one's really sure how it works exactly, but sexuality is generally believed to be partially predetermined by one's genetics and then shaped and defined by conditioning and life experience. Me, personally? I think my great aunt was probably gay…though back then, who could tell? And then, I did spend half of my childhood in my mother's dressing room surrounded by gorgeous naked women. That could have something to do with it. Who knows? Who cares? Doesn't matter, can't do anything about it, what's done is done. I like women. And I like that I like women."

Sara seemed entirely oblivious to my sarcasm. She was now staring intensely at her socks. _She must be much more angry at them than when she was talking before. _"Likes wom- she likes women?" She was whispering to herself. _Should I laugh or snap her out of it? _"But she's not gay. There have been _men._ Lots and lots of _men_."

_Hey! There haven't been that many. And proportionate to the number of women there've been_… _Actually, that my not be my best argument. Might come off sounding a bit of a slut. _I rolled my eyes. "That's right, Sara. There have been men." She looked down at me, her expression glazed. I raised my eyebrows at her, "What's behind door number three, Sara…"

Her eyes narrowed. "Huh."

"Huh?" I think that came out with an unintentional edge.

Sara heard it. "Yeah. Huh. I need to think about it. Give me a sec." Her voice had a definite edge.

I sat up. "You need to _think_ about it? _Think _about it? Why? Don't you think it would be a tad hypocritical for your reaction to be anything except 'Really? I didn't know that. Thanks for trusting me, Catherine." I stood up, holding my hands out in the universal sign for 'what the bloody hell?' "'Obviously, I don't give a flying _fuck_ who you love, seeing as I am a card-carrying lesbian!'" When had I begun shouting? The day was catching up with me.

She looked up, slightly alarmed. "Cath, chill out. It just took me by surprise. That's all. I have no problem with it, yeah, _obviously_. I just needed a minute. And I don't have a card. I have some shirts, a bumper sticker and a tattoo; but no cards."

She was trying to diffuse situation with humor. But I couldn't let it lie. "How can you possibly be surprised? The number of women that hit on me at _The Love Muffin_ and I never blinked except for that massive biker domme and _anyone _would have been afraid of her in that situation. Even tolerant straight women get a bit uptight when another woman walks up to them and says, 'Want to know why I have my tongue pierced?' and proceeds to show them said piercing. I didn't bat an eye. _That _didn't tip you off?"

She flushed. "You were an exotic dancer! You know what you look like! I just figured you were used to it."

I rolled my eyes, "Okay, fine. But what about earlier at Joey's shop? How did you rationalize me being so fantastic at being your pretend girlfriend? There aren't seminars for that type of thing, you know." _What about the…the thing at the florist's? The really hot thing with the hissing and the moaning and the lip biting? Do that with all your friends, do you?_

She sighed. "Catherine, will you just sit back down? You're being ridicu-" she saw my expression and changed her sentence. "You misunderstood me. I'm sorry, sometimes my words don't come out right. Just sit down, will you?"

I sighed heavily, intentionally trying to be annoying and knowing full-well I was being childish. I sat on the edge of the bed. Sara moved across until she was quite close. She lay on her side, propped up on one elbow. She studied me and half smiled.

"I didn't mean to make it sound the way it did. But you really did throw me off, I really didn't have any idea. I have no sixth sense when it comes to this sort of thing. I have no gaydar what.so.ever. I was surprised when I realized _I_ was gay. Sexuality is just not something it occurs to me to think about. And the only intuition I've got pertains to crime scenes and suspects. Forget women's intuition and definitely forget lesbian's intuition. I'm completely hopeless. So…sorry. Of course I don't care if you're queer, I just have to re-organize the filing cabinet in my brain that is entirely devoted to evidence collected on Catherine Willows." She stuck out her lip. _Aww. _"Forgive me?"

_I get a whole filing cabinet! _I smiled begrudgingly and dropped down to lay beside her. Her hand immediately went to my abdomen. _If she didn't stop touching me, I was going to have some serious issues._ I snuggled closer. I turned on my side so that her hand on my stomach became an arm wrapped protectively around me. I leaned back into her. She rested her chin on my head as she had done this afternoon.

"Okay, but only if you answer one more question."

I smiled as she groaned behind me. "_Another_ one?"

"Yes! I said I had two more questions, and you only answered the first one."

She hugged me tighter to her and spoke into my hair. "Okay, go ahead. But I reserve the right to withhold comment."

"We'll see." My smile faded as I felt her hand begin to trace idle circles along my ribcage. _She is deliberately trying to kill me._ A million questions ran through my mind. Was she flirting? She had been pulling crap like this since we arrived and I had thought that perhaps she was flirting. Only just now, she was genuinely surprised to find out I was into women, so that meant she thought I was off limits before. But now, she knew I liked women. _So…was this flirting? _Not a clue. "What was Charlotte talking about when she said that stuff about 'Ducky's'?"

Sara smiled. "It's a bar. Our friend Denny Duxbury aka Duck, Ducky, The Duckman, The Duckster, has a sports bar-cum-nightclub. It's a pub style kind of thing with a couple of TVs, a pool table, live music, and a small dance floor. Anyway, it's called Duxbury's for obvious reasons, but we all just call it Duck's or Ducky's for short."

"And why is it receiving flower arrangements?"

Sara yawned. "Because we're having a party for Matt and Warren."

"A party?" Her yawn was contagious.

"Mhm. When people get married, we always have the party up at Maureen's uncle's B&B outside the city. When people die…we always have the party at Duck's. There's booze and music and food, and then anybody who wants to can get up and do something in honor of the person who died."

I could feel my eyelids drooping. Her steady voice and light touches were lulling me to sleep. "Don't you mean…" yawn, "don't you mean _say_ something?"

Sara dropped her hand and let her head lay on the bed. I could feel her nose against my skull- we were that close. I could also feel her newly liberated hand running through my hair. _If I only I had the energy to leap up and ravish_ _her._ "No." She shook her head. Her voice was full of sleep. A long minute later, she went on, "Some people aren't good speakers like _somebody_ _I know_." Sara hiccupped like this was funny and I realized that we were both loopy with exhaustion. "Some people are better at other ways of communication. So they read poems or reflections either they or someone else has written. Or else they play…" Either she was beginning to drift off, or I was, "…play music…or else they…they might sing."

"Hmm." _That's nice._

"Caf?"

"Hmm?"

"I think I'm just gonna take a nap for a minute. But we can a watch a movie later, if you…if you want."

"Hmm, 'kay."

"Caf?"

"Hmm?"

"You awake, Caf?"

"Mm…"

But I'd lost all energy for talk. Already half asleep, at least, that's my defense; I rolled over and burrowed my face in her neck and threw an arm around her waist. There was a moment's hesitation and then she tightened her grip and kissed the top of my head.

"Guess not, then."

I smiled and snuggled closer. I'd figure everything out later. For the moment, I was going to focus on the feeling of sleeping in Sara's arms for the second time in three days. I felt so safe, so serene. I couldn't get enough.

"'Night, Cat."

"Mhm."

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

**You know, a lack of reviews may cause me to stop writing…**


	12. Soyez Prêt

**A/N: Hey! I know this is a bit short, but I figured you guys would rather have a short, boring bit now than a freakishly-freakishly long one in two weeks. You're already getting a freakishly long one in a few days as it is. **

**Several people wanted to see some more interaction with the girls, there's more coming, hope this tides you over.**

**Sorry, nothing happens (again) but here, just to keep you reading; something very VERY exciting is going to happen very soon. **

_**You hate me, now, don't you?**_

**0000000000000000000000**

I saw Sara in the reflection of the bathroom mirror. She was leaning in the doorway, arms over her chest, just watching me. Her hair was pulled back tight, her face done in light make-up; blush, gloss, mascara. The form-fitting black button-down shirt she wore was crisp linen. Beneath it, a lace-lined burgundy camisole was just visible with her top three buttons undone. Intricate silver vines hung from her ears and around her neck. I turned from putting on my make-up. Looking down, I saw that instead of the pants I had anticipated, sheer black pantyhose rose up to disappear under an encasing, knee-length, black pencil skirt.

Sara must have seen my questioning glance, because when I looked up, she shrugged and said quietly, "They were always trying to make me wear more skirts." She looked away. "I just figured…" and didn't finish.

I nodded and smiled softly. It was explanation enough.

In an even quieter voice, she intoned, "You look beautiful."

I looked down at the dress I had on. Admittedly, it was a bit…well, small. But, I had little else to wear that was appropriate. It was a one shoulder, blue-grey silk dress with a black lace overlay. It ended just above the knee with a small slit up one side and, while it didn't reveal that much cleavage, it was so tight that it didn't really have to. Don't get me wrong, I loved the dress, I looked sexy as hell in the dress; it just wasn't something that one wore to a funeral.

"I know it's a bit much, but my options were limited. I have a cover-up I'm going to wear over it..."

She shook her head, "You look beautiful, I mean it."

"Thanks. I'm just about finished. Can you bring me the silk purse that's on my bed? It has my jewelry in it."

She nodded and disappeared.

I turned back to the mirror, thinking over the past two days.

There was something in the air. We were both feeling it. Ever since our talk in the rainstorm, things had been different. Not tense exactly, just… It's that feeling you used to get at your birthday party, when you could see that whole stack of presents just calling out to you, but your mother wouldn't let you open them until all the guests had left. So, as much as you loved your friends, your grandparents, your piano teacher, you were still trying to make the party go faster and you were practically pushing them out the door. That's how this felt. It was the calm before the storm.

Sara returned with my bag. "You might want to change for the party at Duck's. Something a bit more comfortable?"

"Why? What are you wearing?"

She watched over my shoulder as I put in my earrings. "Jeans, a green top and a hoodie."

"A hoodie?" I asked, disbelieving.

She nodded. "People really only have funerals and receptions to make themselves feel better. A party at Duck's is always in honor of whoever died; what they would have liked, wanted- who they were. It should be a party they would be jealous of missing, not some somber occasion. When our friend Zay-zay died, it was a leatherfest theme. We even had male strippers in leather thongs." She smiled. "He would have loved to have been there." She saw my unconvinced expression in the mirror and shrugged. "Warren and Matt would have wanted everyone to come in whatever they're most comfortable in, so you'll see a lot of variety tonight. But, yeah, I'm just going in jeans."

"Okay." I hesitated, "Hey, Sar?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you sure it's okay if I go with you to the party? I mean, I didn't know either Matt or Warren, and it sounds like it's going to be just really close friends. I don't want to intrude."

"Yeah, it's going to be their two hundred closest friends…" she rolled her eyes, "Cath, I want you to come. I think you'll have a great time. But if you'd rather not, I'll understand."

"No, I'll go. I'm looking forward to meeting your friends." That was true, I had been hearing all about them over the last couple days. It was a really eclectic group.

Sara blushed and half-stepped back into the other room. Catching her guilty expression, I spun around to face her. "Sara?" I ventured.

She coughed and looked at the floor, her cheeks still bright pink. "About that. I've been meaning to mention…uh…"

"What?"

"Well, it's just that word kind of got around about your umm…altercation? With Vicki. I guess she told Mo and Joey and they told Denny and Lola. And once Lola knows…" she deliberately stalled, "well, truthfully, it would be less effective to broadcast it on nationally syndicated television."

I was confused. "Okay…so everybody knows that I bitched out your ex-girlfriend, so what?"

Sara cringed, "They don't exactly know that _you_ bitched out Vicki. What _they_ know; what they've heard, is that my new gorgeous girlfriend who's daughter I play second parent to…bitched out my ex-girlfriend." She looked apologetic. "And now everyone who has R.S.V.P-ed to either myself, Denny, or Charlotte, are all really looking forward to meeting you. Sorry. I wasn't really sure how to handle it."

I just looked at her. _You have got to be kidding me! _"Seriously?"

"Yeah." She pulled nervously on the sleeves of her shirt. "Look, I've figured it out. Either you can feign illness and not go, or when we get there we'll just casually explain that we're not _technically_ seeing each other."

_Or, I could spend the whole night pretending to be your girlfriend. _"Or, we could just pretend to be a couple." _What? No! Shit! Shit, shit, shit! I cannot believe I just said that. I am so masochistic!_

"What?" Sara's eyes were wide with shock.

_No, never mind. It was a stupid idea. _"Yeah, why not?" _What the hell is my problem?_ "Then you wouldn't have to fess up to lying to your friends." I thought about it. "Although, technically it was all there assumption, and you never actually lied. If anything, I'm the one that came the closest to lying."

"Yeah, but for you to pretend to be my girlfriend and for me to go along with it would be substantiating their suppositions, and that could very much equate to lying."

I waved her off, "Look at it this way, we go to the party, have some fun pretending to be whatever and then when we go back to Vegas, you ring up whoever and tell them that you broke up with me because I'm…horrible in the sack or something." _Which is so not true, by the way._

Sara snorted. "Yeah, I'm sure that's what you hear all the time."

_It's not! I am so phenomenal in bed! Or the couch. Or the floor. Or my nephew's swing set, though that needs to never be mentioned again. To anyone. Especially not my sister._

Sara appeared to be evaluating my offer. "And you're…okay? With this? It's not going to make you uncomfortable?"

_Is she agreeing? God hates me._ "Sure, why not? Could be fun. Okay, I'm done. We can talk details on the way there."

"Details?" Sara asked, confused.

"About our relationship."

She looked blankly at me.

"Well, people are going to be asking us questions. How long have we been together, how'd we meet, what we love most about each other, what are our plans for the future… We have to make sure that our stories match if we don't want to get caught."

"It's like we're establishing alibis or conspiring to kill someone. Maybe it's too complicated."

"You want to clear it up? Because it's just a few hours, I think it would be a lot less hassle." _Why am I talking her into this?_

"Fine. Now, come on, we're going to be late."

"Yes, dear." I flashed a smile at her.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

Of course, neither of us had said anything about the manifesting tension between us. _Of course not, that would be logical and sensible. _For two trained investigators, we were both showing a remarkable lack of curiosity. I had the feeling that even if I were to bring it up; _Hey, Sara, have you noticed that anytime we touch or make eye contact, the rest of the world seems to vanish around us? _She would probably just blink in that cute confused way and deny the whole thing. _Cat, are you feeling okay? You didn't eat much breakfast._

In the car on the way to the church, I sighed. This was getting a bit ridiculous. Staring out the window, I could feel her eyes on me at every red light we came to. And even though I had long ago memorized the lines of her face, I found myself sneaking glances whenever I thought I could risk it. _Risk what, exactly? My sanity? Because I think that's long gone by now. _I exhaled deeply. Something was going to have to be done about this. And somehow, I doubted Sara was going to be the first one to say anything. It would have to be me. Obviously not tonight, she had enough on her plate.

But soon.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

The service was long. I tried to stay focused on the reason for being there. I thought about the tragedy of those men dying so young, about their little girls losing their parents. But that just made me depressed. I tried to listen to what the minister was saying. I even tried to feel the holy spirit run through me, but…I couldn't. It reminded me of church when Mom used to force us into itchy dresses every year at Christmas and Easter. I really did try to pay attention. To no avail. Twenty minutes in, I was bored.

It's always weird, being at things like this. Being the only shikseh at a bar mitzvah. Being at a dinner party with wine connoisseurs when all you want is a beer. Being at a PTA meeting with women who think life is dramatic when the cat pees on the rug or Martha Stewart comes out with a new cookbook. _Try a triple homicide at two in the morning. Then ask me why I can't always make it to the meetings!_ It's the same as going to see a foreign film and forgetting your glasses so that subtitles are useless.

That's what the service was like. I could muddle along and get the general idea of what was going on, but in the end, I didn't speak the language so I felt like I was missing key parts of what was being said. I was a stranger here. There is no use in letting other people know when you're uncomfortable though, so I sat up straight and paid attention. Or, at least I pretended to. I had long ago mastered the art of giving every appearance of being wildly captivated by someone or something. It's come in handy over the years. School. Dancing. Eddie. My mother. Gil. Sex. I just get into this state of mind where I can separate from what's going on. My body is still acting like it's interested, but I have let my thoughts wander. Sitting in that hard, cold pew, that's exactly what began to happen.

Sara was on my left, Larry on my right with Tim on his other side. On Sara's other side was Molly and beyond her were her parents with Maggie and Ayla in between. They were dressed in matching black velvet dresses, and they looked even more bored than I was. Those poor girls. No one was paying them any attention. Yes, this was their parents' funeral, but they were also just children. I remembered Lindsey at Eddie's service. _Had that really only been just six months ago? _She had been sad, but also confused and tired and cranky. The team had all come to support Linds and me. I blushed as I remembered that I had been angry that Sara had had the nerve to show up. And now, here I was half a year later, doing the same thing for her.

I heard a loud knocking sound that brought me out of my thoughts. Ayla had begun to loudly kick the back of the pew in front of her. With the acoustics of the church, the sound was echoing off the walls. Molly was trying to hold her knees and was whispering at her to stop. This only stood to make her more cross. She had folded her arms over her chest and was pouting in a pre-tantrum sort of way. And the look on her sister's face told me that she wasn't far behind. _Oh, dear._ I decided to interfere.

Over the last two days, I had gained Ayla's trust to a certain extent. She had seen that Sara trusted me, and that had pacified her somewhat. I was hoping it was enough so that I wasn't about to make things worse. My hand was intertwined with Sara's. I disentangled it and patted Sara's thigh, smiling encouragingly at her questioning glance. I bent low, squishing past her and Molly as gracefully as possible. I knelt in front of the girls and caught Ayla's foot easily, before she managed to kick me. Time to bring out the mom skills and avert disaster.

Ayla had been frowning, but she was a bit shocked when I stopped her kicking and she forgot to be mad. She just watched me. So did Maggie.

"Hey," I whispered. "What are you guys up to?"

Ayla returned to frowning. "Nothing. We aren't allowed to do anything."

Maggie nodded in agreement, mimicking her sister's pout.

I tickled the back of her leg. "Well, what do you guys think about going outside for a little while? I think somebody left their new book in the car and I have some pens and paper for somebody else."

Their faces lit up. "Can we go? Aunt Molly says we have to sit still."

I smiled, "Well, you guys go sneak past Sara and Uncle Larry and wait for me by the door, okay? I'll talk to Aunt Molly. Don't go outside without me though. Or else we have to come straight back."

The girls hopped off the bench and hurried down the row, their patent leather shoes clicking audibly on the stone floor.

I turned to Molly who was looking at me like I was some sort of barbarian. "Catherine, I'm sure that you mean well," she began patronizingly, "But you have to understand, this is their fathers' funeral."

I smiled sweetly, "I'm aware of that Molly. But they're seven and three. Even if they weren't confused and unhappy, how long do you think they would be able to sit still? For a child, this is like prison, it's like school times a million. If you keep them here, you are going to have a crying screaming mess on your hands in two seconds flat. As a mother, I think you would have known that." I stood. Molly opened her mouth to protest, but I waved it off, "No need to thank me."

I'm a bitch. So sue me. I wasn't exactly Molly's number one fan at that moment. The way she treated Sara, preying on her low self-esteem and fears of parenthood just so she could…Well, suffice to say, I don't like her and I was being as nice as I possibly could. What I really wanted to do would have gotten me arrested. I sat back down beside Sara for a minute to explain to her what was going on and to get the car keys from her.

"Will you be back in?" Her voice was so hopeful and cute.

I shook my head as I put a hand on her arm. "I don't know. I think it would take a lot to get them back in here. But…" I smiled as I squeezed her bicep, "I'll be waiting when you get out."

She smiled at me.

I could see the girls impatiently waiting at the door, so I stood and bent to kiss her on the forehead. "See you soon."

She nodded and focused once again on the sermon as I moved past Larry and Tim and out to the girls.

00000000000000000000000

We were several miles outside the city, a bit north, I think, and pretty far inland. The landscape was very different and I found myself missing the sea air. I sat on a concrete memorial bench under an old and majestic walnut tree. Maggie was lying spread out next to me, perched on one elbow, scribbling on my notepad. It was the sort of thing that if Lindsey had brought it home, I would have tacked it on the fridge for six months until Eddie would knock it off saying that we should save the space for important things. _Okay, sure, there was no way to tell what it was, but that's not the point, is it? _

Ayla was sitting on a largish rock a few meters away. At first, she had been reading from her book, but for the last few minutes, she had been staring out over the small cemetery that was to one side of the church. I was getting a bit worried that she was upset and was just about to say something when she turned to look at me.

She pushed her glasses up on her nose with one finger. "Are Daddy and Papa going to be put underground like the skeletons in the graveyard?"

_Should have seen that one coming. _I thought about what to say. _How do you explain cremation to a seven year-old without terrorizing them?_ Hmm. I shook my head. "Not exactly, sweetheart."

"Are they going to be in glass boxes like Snow White?"

I smiled. I love how that seems a completely legitimate question when you're a child. "No, hon. Your Daddy and Papa decided that they want to be cremated. Do you know what that means?"

As was to be expected, she shook her head.

I looked at Maggie, but she was singing some made up song to herself and didn't seem to be paying attention. "Well…what happens when you get cremated is…your body goes through a process called cremation and that turns your body into dust." I decided to be vague on the details. "And then, your friends and family can spread the dust all around your favorite places so that you get to fly around somewhere you love. Or else, they can keep the dust and always have you close by, even when you're gone." There, voila. She didn't look horrified. _And, I managed not to mention the whole sending her dads' bodies into an incinerator thing. _

I waited for her to freak out, but it never came. She just spun to see the cemetery, spun back, looked thoughtful for a moment, and then nodded. "That makes sense," she said. "Daddy really hates to get dirt on him, so I don't think he would like to be underground. And Papa always says things are better when the sun is shining. And there wouldn't be any sun down there. I bet they would want their dust put at the park near Sara's old house and at the Yellowstone park where we go in the summer. And maybe they would like to be a little bit at the beach like in all the pictures with Sara. And maybe some also off the bridge, because whenever we go across, they always kiss each other and then they kiss me and Maggie and we all pretend that we are flying over the ocean." She nodded. "Yeah, I think that would be the best."

I just looked at her. Except for the part about wanting to be at the park in San Francisco, she had gotten everything right. I knew from talking to Sara where Matt and Warren wanted their ashes scattered. Eagle Peak at Yellowstone in Wyoming, the Golden Gate Bridge, and a beach about an hour' south of the city. Ayla had gotten it exactly right. I nodded.

Seemingly satisfied, she went back to her book. I looked down at Maggie who had succeeded in drawing something that vaguely resembled medium velocity blood spatter when made by a victim expectorating onto a vertical surface. Though…I doubt that's what she was going for.

About twenty minutes later, the service let out. Glancing at my watch, I saw that it was just after four. The service had run more than two hours. I caught sight of Sara walking out of the church with Larry. In the bright light that was a May California afternoon, there was a stark contrast between her dark clothes and the natural tone of the setting. Her long legs strode towards me and she sat down on the opposite side of the bench from Maggie. She covered my hand with hers and looked over my shoulder at Maggie's drawing.

"What you got there, Mags?"

"A picture."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Water." Pause. "And a magic boat."

"Really? Why's it magic?"

"Cause it's got magic powers." Pause. "And 'cause it floats."

"Uh…wow. That's really neat."

I wasn't really paying attention to the conversation. I was too busy staring at Sara's hand on mine, her thumb brushing up and down my wrist. This sort of physical interaction was growing more and more common between us. We hugged a lot. Exchanged friendly kisses. Snuggled quite close during movies. Yesterday when we took Maggie and Ayla to the wharf, we held hands nearly the whole time. On one level, it wasn't weird to be so physically in tune with Sara like this. She didn't appear to notice anything unusual about it so I feigned nonchalance as well. We were both initiating the contact in equal measure. In some ways, it felt stranger to be in close proximity to Sara and _not_ be touching her. And when I wasn't thinking about it, holding her, and goosing her, and her chasing me around the kitchen island with a cup of ice; those things felt completely natural.

But on another level, it was exactly this sort of thing that was sending off warning bells and whistles in my head. My common sense was screaming over my insecurities, telling me that while, _yes,_ some people were the kind of people to gave their friends massages during movies, and some people hugged their friends from behind while they watched the stars; while some people were the sort of people to do that kind of thing, Sara definitely wasn't one of them. And the truth was that when I _was_ thinking about it, it not only felt completely natural, it also felt _completely perfect_. When I thought about her hand on mine as it was right now, my whole body was set aflame and forced to melt by it's own fire until there was little left of me except a boiling puddle on the floor.

I was shaken out of my thoughts by Sara's hand on my shoulder. I looked down at my own hand; hers was gone. But I still felt the liquid burning sensation. I met her gaze and realized that she was waiting for me to respond to something she had said. The reality of the moment brought me back from wherever it was that I had been.

"Sorry, I spaced out for a second. What did you say?"

She looked at me worriedly. "I asked if you wanted to ride back with Larry and Tim or if you wanted to come with me and the girls in the Subaru."

"Oh. Uh…" We had driven up in Warren's station wagon with the girls because Molly had to drive her family and her parents' had gone ahead early to organize everything. Larry and Tim on the other hand, had driven in their Rolls-Royce Phantom; latest model. "Would you mind terribly if I went with them? Who knows when I'll get to sit in a ride as sweet as that again, you know?"

I saw the shadow of rejection pass across her face, but she smiled quickly after that. "Of course, but…would you help me get Maggie in her car seat first? I haven't quite got the hang of it."

I laughed and scooped Maggie up along with my pens and paper.

"Ayla," Sara called, "let's go to Uncle Larry's and Uncle Tim's and get some dinner."

The ride back was fairly quiet, and I was grateful for that. I hadn't been lying when I'd said I wanted a ride in the Phantom, but the truth was that I needed a little time away from Sara. This thing between us was slowly killing me, and if we were going to be 'playing house' later tonight, I needed to cool my engines, so to speak. So, the hour-long drive back to the house was pleasant. Periodically, Tim or Larry would inform me of something that had happened to someone at some point in time somewhere along some road, but otherwise it was peaceful and I spent the time relaxing rather that toiling over what to do about the magnetism that was linking Sara and I. I had been doing that for the better part of the last five days and I was making no progress.

00000000000000000000000000

**What will happen? Does she really love Sara? Perhaps she will realize next chapter that she is in fact head over heels for that sexy Warrick Brown and his HUGE, MANLY….(several things could be go here, use your imagination). Oh yeah, and REVIEW. Warrick would review. And his review would be HUGE and MANLY!**


	13. You and I, Little Precious!

**A/N: I know, I know. They have to get together really soon. And they will. Just not this chapter. But guess what? The next one? A double post! A Christmas present from me to you! So read, review. I'm reading my list. I'm checking it twice. Gonna find out who's **_**naughty**_** or **_**nice**_

**And if you aren't **_**at least **_**one of those (and both is preferable)…no post for you!!**

**Happy Almost Christmas!**

**00000000000000000000**

We hit some traffic on the way back. Consequently, Larry and Tim were late for their own reception. It had been decided that the reception would be held here because the Wingers' home was too small and renting a hall seemed a like such big fuss. Luckily, Sara had taken a different way back and arrived fifteen minutes before the guests did. It was just after six when we got there.

Looking around at all of the people I did not know, I sighed. I _am _good at mingling. I always have been. Putting people at ease is something that was handy in my current career, and all of my past ones; hostess, cocktail waitress, bartender, retail clerk, and yes, exotic dancer. But just because you're good at something doesn't mean you always want to do it. I cleared five hundred a night in tips- easy, as a dancer. That doesn't mean I had to like it. Sometimes, I really do like working a crowd. But this was not one of those times.

Thankfully, the party at Duck's started at eight-thirty and the bar, Sara had said, was in the Castro district in the middle of the city. Since we were nearly all the way out in Santa Clara Valley, that meant we were going to have to leave in about an hour just to get there fashionably late. And that, in turn, meant that I could hang out with the girls for half an hour before I went to change and get ready to go. Sara was circulating, so except for when she handed Maggie off to me, I didn't see her.

Maggie had fallen asleep in the car, and since neither she nor her sister had been sleeping well, I took them both into the bedroom with me when I made my escape. I slipped Maggie's shoes off and put her under the covers in my bed. Ayla sat on Sara's bed and read her book while I put out possible outfits on mine. Getting ready to go out is a always a long and involved process for me, one that is stressful and tedious and very fun. There's hair and make-up to do, plus clothes and shoes, matching hand bag and jewelry. And if I hadn't done it already, I would need to shave, pluck, and depending on the event; wax.

I paid no attention to the dozing child under the duvet and in a few minutes, Maggie was covered up to her nose in potential outfits, still sleeping peacefully. This made Ayla smile and leave her book to climb up beside her sister.

"You hid Maggie under all of your clothes! And she doesn't even know!" She scrunched her nose in delight. "That's funny!"

I grinned at her. This was the first time I had seen her smile. The gap between her teeth made her look so much like Sara it was scary. "That's right I did. It is funny, isn't it? Would you like to help me pick out my clothes for tonight?"

Her eyes widened in disbelief. "_Me?_"

"Of course, why not?"

This was something that Lindsey and I did all the time, but it was a new concept to Ayla. I had to keep reminding myself that since Sara moved away, she had not had an active female role model in her life. And as wonderful as Sara is, she is not the girliest of women. Some things I would assume every little girl knew, were completely alien to Ayla. She knew nothing about the world of fashion and make-up and lip-syncing to Diana Ross in pink fuzzy slippers with a hairbrush microphone. And something about the look in her eye told me that it was a world she desperately longed to discover. But she didn't know how to ask. I smiled. I had just found my way in with this girl.

"I don't know how…I'm only seven."

"So? My daughter was helping me pick out clothes when she was just a baby. All it takes is practice."

She looked unsure. "I don't know…"

"It's like this. I'm going to a party that isn't too dressy, but I still want to look pretty. So if I showed you this dress," I held up a green and blue patterned silk dress, "what would you say?"

She regarded it critically and then shook her head, "It's too fancy, right?"

I nodded, "Exactly. And if I asked what do you think about these?" I pointed to the sweatpants hanging on the bedpost.

She tilted her head to one side, "Not pretty enough, are they? I think they would make you look fat."

I laughed out loud, "You see? You're a natural. So, you think you could give it a try?"

She shrugged. "I guess so."

While we went through my clothes, Ayla told me about the book she was reading. It seemed pretty advanced for someone her age, and I knew then that she didn't only take after Sara in looks.

"It's called _Someone is Hiding on Alcatraz Island_ by Eve Bunting. It's about this boy, Danny, who rats out this gang in San Francisco to the police. And then the gang finds out and they try to kill him! But he outsmarts them and runs away to Alcatraz! That's the jail on the island in the San Francisco Bay. That's where I am so far."

_Sounds like he's going to be needing a body bag… _"Sounds scary."

She shakes her head. "Not really. I know it's fiction, so it's not real. And it's written for eleven year olds so I bet nothing really bad happens."

_That's…logical. And since when are seven year-olds logical? _Since they get half their DNA from one Sara Sidle. "How do you know it's for eleven year-olds?"

"In second grade, the kids at my school get their own email and we learned how to navigate the Internet using the school web address. Only I already knew how to use it because Daddy taught me on his lap top. I just had to learn the difference between a Mac and the PCs they have at school. So when Mr. Denver, the computer teacher, was showing everybody else how to login and stuff, I found the sixth grade summer reading list. We aren't on the same server as the middle school and the high school, so those are the most advanced books I could find. I printed the list out and this is the last one."

"Wow. That was a really smart idea."

Ayla shrugged, "I'm smart." Like she had just pointed out that the sky is blue.

A thought occurred to me. "Ayla, when's your birthday?"

"April third. I just turned seven last month. I got a computer simulator that teaches you how build engines for different things. I'm only on cars and motorcycles right now, but when I get better at it, Uncle Larry and Uncle Tim are going to get me the application for planes and helicopters. Hopefully by my next birthday I'll know how to build a space shuttle to government specifications."

_But she can't reach the cookies on top of the refrigerator. _"Shouldn't you be in first grade?"

"No. I was in first grade last year. They put me in kindergarten to start, but none of the other kids could read or write very well, and they didn't know how to do multiplication or even adding and subtracting, so they moved me up. The principal wanted to put me in fourth grade but Daddy and Papa were afraid it would stunt my social development." She nods. "So I get to have tutors for a couple hours after school everyday to learn other stuff. And Papa's friend Darius teaches me about the stars with the telescope at the City College."

"Awesome. What about this blue tank top with that skirt?"

"Alessandra Morales's big sister Alagracia has a skirt like that. She's sixteen. She smokes four cigarettes before we get on the bus everyday. And she has blue fingernail polish _and_ Daddy says her boyfriend, TKT, is selling drugs out of the back of his car to pay for a recording studio. I've seen her _kissing_ him at the movies. With gum in her mouth."

"Okay, forget the skirt…"

Eventually we decided on my tight, dark blue, hip-hugger jeans, and my purple silk, spaghetti strap, tank top that hugs my chest pretty tight but then is loose and flowy around the bottom. I unzipped my dress as far as could I and then held my hair up and asked Ayla to unzip it the rest of the way. She sat up excitedly the way Lindsey does, feeling important about getting to do such a grown-up, womanly thing.

I slipped out of my dress and pulled on the jeans. "You have to help me pick out my shoes too, okay?"

"Okay."

"There a bunch of pairs at the bottom of the wardrobe. Why don't you pick while I fix my hair and make-up?"

She nodded.

I decided to wait to put the top on. Sweat stains on silk are not attractive. So I wandered into the bathroom in just the jeans and my bra. I returned a few minutes later to see her sitting on the floor with three pairs in front of her. "Well?" I asked, smiling.

"Well, I couldn't decide. I like these the best," she held up the three inch pencil-heeled silver sandals with the ribbons that tied around the ankle, "but they don't look very comfy. These," she held up my sneakers, "look comfy, but they're pretty boring. No shiny stuff. And then these ones," she pointed at the black spike-heeled ankle boots, "are sort of comfy and sort of fancy but not so shiny as the other ones." She shook her head, "It's hopeless."

"What's hopeless?" I jumped as Sara came in the room.

Remembering that I was all but topless, I leapt for my top and covered myself. Belatedly, I realized how suspicious that looked, so I tried to gracefully turn the movement into an intentional step towards putting on the shirt. I'm not sure that I quite pulled it off, but Sara didn't seem to notice, anyway. Of course not; she never seemed to notice any of my erratic behavior over the last few days. Never questioned it. And there were only two explanations for this. One, I was over thinking things and being paranoid. I didn't like the thought of that. Or two, Sara had noticed every tiny detail of my irrational behavior over the last few days, and had chosen to either keep quiet or ignore it. I didn't much like the sound of that either.

"We're trying to decide what shoes I should wear." I turned to Ayla, "Maybe we should ask Sara?"

The little brunette nodded and looked expectantly up at her taller counterpart.

Sara regarded the three pairs set aside and then the larger pile of shoes against the wardrobe. "Cath…how many pairs of shoes did you bring?"

I shrugged, "Eight."

"Eight?" She looked at me in disbelief.

"Yeah, eight. What?" _What? That's all I could fit without packing a bigger suitcase._

She shook her head and smirked. "Well, don't wear the sneakers- my boots put me just above six feet, so you'll be a midget. The black ones look more comfortable. But I think I like the strappy ones," she nodded. "Shiny."

Now I shook my head. _Shiny. _"Alright, you both like the shiny ones, so I guess they win."

Ayla smiled, and twisted bodily from side to side, happy that she picked right.

Sara put a hand on the little girl's head and looked over at the once again visible, sleeping Maggie. She turned back to me with a goofy half-smile, "Are you nearly ready? We should leave in ten minutes or so."

"Yeah, you?"

"Just need to change." She moved to her bed and picked up a pile of folded clothes.

It was my turn to look disbelieving, "In _ten_ minutes?"

She stopped in the doorway of the bathroom and looked at me like I was crazy, "No. Three, four minutes tops. I'll be out in a sec." And she shut the door behind her. _She's not serious. No one can change that fast and look remotely good. _

Wrong. Sara can.

Just to prove a point, I started the timer on my watch and then leaned over to put on my shoes. Ayla watched rapt fascination. By the time I finished criss-crossing and tying the ribbons around my ankles, Sara was coming out of the bathroom. Wow. She had on cornflower blue, wide-leg jeans with a black disc belt. The 'green top' she'd mentioned earlier was a skin-tight, deep rain-forest green, keyhole halter-top with gathering along the ribs and darting on the sides of her breasts. _Great, now I will have to be reminded all night of the fact that she has breasts!_

It even looked like she'd had time take down her hair and brush it out. As well as darken her eye make-up and put on lipstick. I looked at my watch. Three minutes and twelve seconds. _How is that possible?_ Sara caught me staring and looked down self-consciously.

"Do you think the top is too tight? I pulled it out of one of the boxes I left in the basement here when I moved. I'm not as thin as I used to be…it's too tight, isn't it?"

"No!" It came out rather loudly. "I…" I began in a quieter tone, "I mean, no, it isn't too tight. It's very flattering. I'm just not used to seeing you…so relaxed. You look…" _Beautiful? Sexy? Oh, my God, I want to… _"great. _Really _great."

"Great. So, you set? I just need to put my shoes on."

She reached under her bed and grabbed a pair of three inch heeled, hook lace up, black leather boots. She then sat down next to me on my bed and proceeded to put them on. When she bent over to tie them up, I noticed that at base of her right shoulder blade she had a small, black and lavender shaded tattoo. It was the Greek letter 'L', the lambda. The curve of it fell across the natural line of her back. Pretty.

Without thinking, I reached out and touched it. Unsurprisingly, my fingertips met with a now familiar rush of heat that reverberated through me like so many musical notes. I felt her tense beneath my touch. She looked up and over her left shoulder at me with an unspoken question dancing over her arching brow and in her searching eyes. I gave her a soft smile and she returned it. It was happening again; she had captured me in her gaze. I couldn't look away from her and my vision was beginning to go black around me. All I could see was her face, her smile. My heart was thundering and my breath had gone a bit shallow.

"How long will you be gone?"

I jumped and my head snapped to Ayla standing in front of us with a hand on each of our knees. Sara bent down again to finish tying her boots. "I'm sorry, what was that, sweetheart?"

"When are you coming back?"

"I think that you will probably be asleep at Grandma and Grandpa's by the time we get back, sweetie."

Ayla's pout was priceless. "Can I come, too? I'll just read and I promise I'll be really quiet and I won't get in any trouble."

Sara was completely taken in by the dramatic despair in the child's voice and looked halfway ready to take her with us.

I interjected, "I'm sorry, hon, but this party is just for grown-ups. And it will probably be over long after your bedtime."

Now both brunettes looked distressed.

"But how about we have a sleepover tomorrow night? Okay? And we can all wear our pajamas and eat junk food and watch a movie. How does that sound?"

They both looked somewhat pacified and Ayla nodded.

"Good. Sar, we had better go if we don't want to be too late."

As we stood, Ayla wrapped her arms around Sara's waist, hugging her tightly and burying her small face in the older woman's stomach. Sara gave me that deer in the headlights look even as one hand came up instinctively to rest on the little girl's head and the other made circles on her back. _I don't know why she's so tense around these girls, she never has a problem being physical with Lindsey. They're always hugging and wrestling and tickling…_But with Ayla and Maggie, even a smile was a huge effort.

I knew how conflicted she must be. Every time she looked at the girls, she must see Matt and Warren looking right back at her. And I knew she had a sense of obligation to her friends to honor their memory and take care of their children. But at the same time, I knew that, as much as she wanted to deny it, a part of her looked on them as though they were her own children, too. And she still had not gotten over the guilt of that. For my part, I didn't see what was wrong with having it both ways. _Yes,_ they were Matt and Warren's daughters. And _yes, _they were hers too. They'd had fathers who loved them. Now, they needed a mother to do the same. But it was harder for Sara to see it that way. It was almost as if she was _afraid_ to be a parent.

I smiled at her, "Sara…"

She nodded and hoisted Ayla up on her hip just as lightly as she did Lindsey. "I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

Ayla clung to her like a monkey and nodded into her neck.

Sara looked like she was going to cry as she kissed the little dark head and dropped her charge gently on my bed. "How about you stay and read for a bit and I'll tell Grandma where you are?"

Ayla blinked sleepily; she wasn't going to last much longer. Nodding her agreement, she crawled up and lay beside her sister, cradling her book rather than reading it. Sara went around the bed and delicately laid a hand in Maggie's dark curls. She kissed them both on the forehead just like I had seen her do to Lindsey so many times. Just like I had felt her do to me. When she met my eyes, she smiled, a bit sadly, I thought. Then she gestured in the direction of the door with her head and I nodded my silent compliance.

I shut off the lights and we were just about out the door when we heard Ayla mumble, "Goodnight Sara."

I watched a look of pure contentment pass over Sara's face, and I knew that in this moment, if she had the choice, she'd love nothing more than to stay her with her two girls. "Goodnight, Ayla."

I smiled and turned to go when the little girl spoke again, "Oh, and Goodnight, Catherine."

I inhaled sharply.

I wasn't prepared for how my heart would soar at those two little words. I felt like I'd just climbed the tallest mountain, and in a way, I had. If we were going to be seeing as much of each other as I suspected we were, then it was vitally important that she trust me and feel some sense of security when she was with me. And in kid world, if I warranted a 'goodnight', not the kind your parents made you say when people were leaving, but a genuine, freely given one- if she thought I deserved that, then I definitely made her feel safe. _Ha! How cool was that? _It was like winning Sara's trust all over again and it felt just as good. Sara seemed to understand that this was a milestone too, because she squeezed my arm and grinned at me.

I smiled widely as I strode back to the bed. Sitting on the edge, I leaned over and cradled Ayla's head in my hands, "Goodnight, angel." I kissed both of her little cheeks, "Have sweet dreams, okay?"

She nodded and snuffled, and I realized that she was crying.

"What's the matter, sweet pea?"

She put her arms around my neck and I pulled her into tight hug. I rocked her slightly the way I did with Linds when she was upset. "You and Sara are going to drive to the city in the dark and you're never coming back!" she cried.

My heart clenched. _Of course she would think that. _I motioned with one arm for Sara to come help just as I held the little scared girl tighter to me with the other. "Oh, sweetie! We're not going anywhere; Sara is going to come straight home. We both are."

I felt Sara sit close behind me and lean over my shoulder. In order to hug Ayla from this position, Sara had to bring her leg up and sit with it tucked under her. And she was pushed flush against my back in a such a way that her inner thigh was pressed alongside my hip and outer leg. From there, it was easy for her to wrap her arms around me and the little girl I was cradling, and for her to stretch her graceful neck over my shoulder and rain kisses in Ayla's long hair. This could have been a very erotic position, with Sara touching me the way she was, but any thoughts I had of that nature were fleeting. This was different. It was still very sensual, but it was different.

"Catherine's right, honey. We're going to come home in a few hours and we will play together tomorrow just like she said. I promise that we will do our very best to make sure that happens, okay?"

"But that's what Grandma said! She promised Daddy was going to be okay when he went in the doors with all the doctors. But he didn't come back!"

I tensed. _Stupid woman. Promising something like that to a child._ I kissed her wet cheek, and since Sara seemed to have been struck dumb either with anger or grief, I spoke, "Sweetie, I think Grandma was really scared about your Daddy and Papa. And sometimes when grown-ups are scared, they make promises they can't keep. Your Grandma wanted your Daddy to be okay _so badly_ that she thought if she promised it out loud, it would come true. Understand?"

"She didn't mean to lie."

"No, sweetie, she didn't."

"But you're still going out?"

"We have to, hon. Sara helped plan the party. But you'll be okay, right? You have Grandma and Grandpa here, and Uncle Larry and Uncle Tim. And you have Maggie. Maggie is very ferocious. She will keep you safe."

That made her giggle. "And you will drive really careful and not go too fast and stop at the red lights and look both ways and wear your seat belt? You have to wear your seat belt. That's the most important thing."

Sara tightened her hold on both of us, "Of course we'll wear our seat belts. And we will drive very carefully, okay? And if you want, I'll even call Grandma when we get home just to say we're safe. And then tomorrow, we can go to the park and play. How's that?"

Ayla nodded over her yawn, "Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Before you go, will tell me the _precious poem_?"

"The Fly-Away Horse?"

"Yes. The one with monkeys."

"Hmm." Sara pressed her mouth into my skin as she hummed contentedly, pretending to think. I could feel her lips curve into a smile. "Well, I'm not sure that I remember how that one goes…"

"You do too!"

Sara tickled her lightly so as not to wake up Maggie. "You're right, I do. Okay, but only once. And only this one. I'll recite more tomorrow, if you want me to. Deal?"

"Yup."

"Okay." Sara turned her head and I found myself nose to nose with her. She just winked at me and playfully pushed her nose against mine before turning back to Ayla. "You ready?"

"Go!"

I felt Sara scooting even closer, turning us a little as she went so that she could stretch her leg out. Then she began to speak in a soft, rhythmic tone;

"_Oh, a wonderful horse is the Fly-Away Horse--_

_Perhaps you have seen him before;_

_Perhaps, while you slept, his shadow has swept_

_Through the moonlight that floats on the floor._

_For it's only at night, when the stars twinkle bright,_

_That the Fly-Away Horse, with a neigh_

_And a pull at his rein and a toss of his mane,_

_Is up on his heels and away!_

_The moon in the sky,_

_As he gallopeth by,_

_Cries: "Oh! What a marvelous sight!"_

_And the Stars in dismay_

_Hide their faces away_

_In the lap of old Grandmother Night._

_It is yonder, out yonder, the Fly-Away Horse_

_Speedeth ever and ever away--_

_Over meadows and lane, over mountains and plains,_

_Over streamlets that sing at their play;_

_And over the sea like a ghost sweepeth he,_

_While the ships they go sailing below,_

_And he speedeth so fast that the men on the mast_

_Adjudge him some portent of woe._

_"What ho, there!" they cry,_

_As he flourishes by_

_With a whisk of his beautiful tail;_

_And the fish in the sea_

_Are as scared as can be,_

_From the nautilus up to the whale!_

_And the Fly-Away Horse seeks those far-away lands_

_You little folk dream of at night--_

_Where candy-trees grow, and honey-brooks flow,_

_And corn-fields with popcorn are white;_

_And the beasts in the wood are ever so good_

_To children who visit them there--_

_What glory astride of a lion to ride,_

_Or to wrestle around with a bear!_

_The monkeys, they say:_

_"Come on, let us play,"_

_And they frisk in the coconut-trees:_

_While the parrots, that cling_

_To the peanut-vines sing_

_Or converse with comparative ease!_

_Off! scamper to bed -- you shall ride him to-night!_

_For, as soon as you've fallen asleep,_

_With a jubilant neigh he shall bear you away_

_Over forest and hillside and deep!_

_But tell us, my dear, all you see and you hear_

_In those beautiful lands over there,_

_Where the Fly-Away Horse wings his far-away course_

_With the wee one consigned to his care._

_Then grandma will cry_

_In amazement: "Oh, my!"_

_And she'll think it could never be so._

_And only we two_

_Shall know it is true--_

_You and I, little precious! shall know!"_

Silence hung in the air for several seconds until; "And Catherine," came the fading voice of the sleep-heavy girl in my arms. Our arms. "Right, Sara? Catherine knows, too."

"Yes, she does. Catherine knows too." Sara turned and buried her face under my jaw, the bridge of her nose resting against the skin where my shoulder met my neck. I could feel her eyelashes when she blinked.

"So now it's all of ours secrets, right? Now it has to go 'and only we three shell know it's true, you and I _and Catherine_, little precious…" Her head finally dropped and she trailed off.

Sara lifted her head and slackened her grip a bit, "Is she out?" she whispered. "I guess we should get going. We're going to be really late." She started to stand, but I caught her hand.

"Stop, come back. She's not really out yet. Sit down."

All too readily, Sara resumed her position, resting her chin on my shoulder. "How do you know? She looks asleep to me."

I shook my head. Our cheeks were touching slightly and she could feel me smile. "Mom Lesson number 1; the three main stages of sleep. Drifting, Dozing, and Dead to the World. Never attempt to move a child before they hit stage 2; they will just wake up and cry. There is also a sub-stage of Dead to the World, which I call the twitch zone. If a child falls asleep on you, for instance, while you're watching a movie or sitting down at a party, when she hits the dock at dreamland, she twitches and squeaks. It'll really freak you out at first; eventually you'll think it's cute. Until she hits seventy pounds and her twitches become fists in the eye; less cute."

Sara nodded like this was going to be on the next test or something. "How do you tell how asleep they are?"

_Good question, Miss Sidle._ "The time spent in each stage varies from child to child and with age. For instance, I already know that Maggie drifts for a lot longer than most three year-olds- unlucky for you, but not as long as Ayla or Lindsey would because they are more practiced at fighting sleep. But there is a test you can do to ascertain sleep level that never fails."

"And that is…?"

"Weight. Kids get heavier as they sleep."

Sara shook her head, "That's physically impossible. The state of inertia does not increase density or volume of an object and therefore cannot affect mass."

I rolled my eyes. "Humor me, will you? If you are carrying the bulk of her weight, you'll be able to feel her falling asleep. If you aren't…" I gestured at the _inert_ form leaning against me. "Lift her forearm." I ordered.

Sara looked at me like I was crazy.

I sighed. "Will you just trust me a second? She won't wake up. Now, lift her arm."

Sara carefully lifted the little arm just above the wrist.

"Higher. About eight inches up."

Sara obeyed and looked at me for further instruction.

I smiled. She was so cute. "Okay, good. Now let it go."

The disbelieving look returned.

"Sara, so help me God, if you don't drop it right now I will scream and wake them both up!"

She let go. The arm stayed motionless for a moment, before slowly descending down to the coverlet where the fingers twitched a bit. Ayla gave a little squeak and then lay still. Sara observed it all and then looked back at me.

"See what I mean? She's only half-baked." I fell silent and settled back into Sara's chest and dropped my head onto her shoulder behind me.

She looked at me curiously, "Now what?"

"Now…we wait."

"For how long?"

"Two minutes. Then we retest."

"Don't your arms hurt? Aren't your abs cramping?"

"No and no. I lost feeling in my arms about ten minutes ago and…it is the gift of mothers everywhere to be able to delay feeling their own pain until their children are attended to. I'll be sore as fuck tomorrow. If I have time." I smile up at her.

"Well, I definitely don't have that."

"You will." I said confidently. _She would._ "Contrary to popular belief, most 'mom skills' are more from practice and habit than some mystical natural power. And I've never seen you fail when you decide to figure something out."

She grinned and bent down to rest her forehead on mine. She hummed into my hair. "You're amazing," she whispered.

I snorted "Why? Because I can sit on a bed and put a little girl to sleep? Because I've wrinkled my shirt, or because I don't care that she's drooling? Because I'm positive that my make-up is smudged and my hair's a mess?"

She lifted her head and gazed into my eyes, "Yes," she insisted, seriously, "That's _exactly_ why. Because your shirt _is_ wrinkled and your hair _is_ sticking up funny and your eyeliner _has_ all gone to the corners of your eyes. Yes, because you've been holding her like she was your own daughter for the last half hour and you knew exactly what she needed." She smiled. "And definitely yes, because you don't care that she's drooling." She shook her head and whispered, "You _are_ amazing, Catherine. And I don't care what you say, you are a way above average, fantastic mother." She sighed and dropped her head until her lips and nose were against my forehead. "And you've never looked more beautiful than you do right now. Like this." Her voice was throaty and low.

My eyes fluttered shut at her tone and I bit my lip hard to keep from crying.

Ten minutes later, when we had managed to get Ayla under the covers and I had sufficiently altered my appearance, we made our excuses to Larry, Tim, and the Wingers, and hand in hand, we walked down the hill to where we had parked the T-bird to make sure we would be able to get it out of the cram packed driveway. I let Sara navigate us around pebbles and cracks in the road, and focused my gaze on the clear night sky dotted with stars.

I wasn't going to survive much more of this. If I wasn't going to spontaneously combust or be driven mad, I was at least going to frustrated, depressed and unfocused when I returned to Las Vegas. And both my job and my relationship with Lindsey would suffer from that. I couldn't afford for that to happen. I made up my mind to tell her, or at least, to tell her something. Obviously, I couldn't say anything now when we were on our way to her dead friends' memorial party; this was not the right time. But I would tell her first thing in the morning. _Is that too soon? Does it really matter at this point?_ No. It didn't. I had to know.

**0000000000000000000**

**It's horribly sappy and disgusting…tell me you love me!!! I've had a very traumatic week.**


	14. Amazing

**A/N: Alright here goes (deep breath):**

**Americans: Merry Christmas!**

**Brits, Canadians, and Aussies/ Kiwis: Happy Christmas (and Boxing Day)!**

**Danes: Glaedelig Jul!**

**The Dutch: Vrolijk kerstfeest **awesome word for xmas btw.

**Finns: Hauskaa Joulua! **It is with two 'n's, right? Otherwise you would be _Fins_. And that would be funny. And I would laugh.

**The French: Joyeux Noel! **(et aussi pour les Suisses, si vous lisez)

**In Spanish: Feliz Navidad! **

**degli Italiani: Buon Natale! **

**Swedes: God Jul!**

**Germans: Frohe Weihnachten!**

**Maligayang Pasko! (Okay, I don't actually think any Filipinos are reading but I wanted to brag that I know how to say it.)**

**Did I get everybody? Hope so. Let me know if I didn't, and with any luck I will have an international New Years' post, too.** **Alright, so I promised you an extra, extra long, double Christmas post and I have delivered. This had better mean nobody skimps on the reviews!**

**Here ya go! Hope you like it! **

**Oh, and by the way, I forgot to give credit to Eugene Field for his beautiful poem **_**The Fly-Away Horse**_**, which got me through many nights as a child and life-long insomniac.**

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Somewhere between our conversation before the service and us getting in the car to head to Ducky's, Sara had gotten really into the idea of us masquerading as a couple tonight. So much, that she had half begun to believe that it had been her idea in the first place.

"Okay, I've given this a lot of thought-" _Really? In six hours?_ "-and I think that we need to keep the story simple. But it needs to be interesting enough that it's believable. And I think that we need to lie as little as possible without, obviously, not lying at all." _Wait, what?_

"Sounds good."

"Right, so things like 'how did we meet.' Obviously, we met at work. It would be stupid to say something more complicated like we grabbed for the same drink at a carnival because, _duh,_ that would be completely illogical. As for when we got together, that's a trickier question isn't it? I was thinking…"

Sara had been staring straight ahead the whole time, not looking over at me once as she was driving along the highway. In addition to being completely focused on the road, she was also talking a mile a minute in a tone that could only be described as _professional._ Quite the change from the intimate moment we had shared only a few minutes before. It was making me grind my teeth audibly.

"…so, do think that's a good idea?"

"What? Sorry, my brain stopped for a moment there."  
"I asked if you thought my idea for how long we'd been together was believable."

"Uh…"

She sighed heavily, "My idea was that we should say we've been together for the last six months since that was when we really became friends anyway, and that way we don't have to make up a history for the last three and a half years. We'll just slightly alter our recent history and say we started dating six months ago instead of just having a better friendship, it'll be a…you know…a relationship."

She was glancing at me now. Probably because I was beginning to smell of brimstone and the heat radiating from me was very likely visible. _She wants to treat this like a business transaction? Fine. By. Me._ "That's a great idea Sara," I said, my voice entirely void of emotion and my expression doubly so, "We could even come up with a lovely story about how we were getting it on while you investigated my ex-husband's murder case. In fact, maybe that's when we got together, eh? Just couldn't deny my attraction to you any longer then." I slapped a hand over my mouth and shut my eyes tightly. _Fuck!_

I heard Sara gasp for air.

As soon as the words left my lips, I wanted to take them back. I felt physically ill, my self-contempt was so great. _Stupid, stupid!_

We drove in absolute silence for five minutes. Sara stared straight ahead, unblinking. She had the steering wheel in a vice grip. I watched the color of her knuckles change from healthy pink to ghostly white, clenching my teeth and feeling like the absolute ass I knew I was. When I heard her sniffling in an attempt to hold back tears, I cracked.

"Sara…" I waved a hand. "I'm sorry. I am a complete bitch. I have no idea where that came from. One minute I was…and the next…There's just no excuse; as soon as I said it I felt sickI still feel like I'm going to puke I've been on edge all day and I don't know…I needed- all of a sudden I wanted my sparring partner back, you know? And it was like target practice and I wanted to provoke you. I didn't mean to, I thought…I don't know what I thought. I wasn't thinking! God, Sara, I am so sorry. I promised myself that I wasn't going to do shit like this anymore and not three days later…" Sara had been watching the road in silence and it was making me nervous and more than a little desperate. My head was pounding. My breathing was heavy and irregular. "Sara? Sara say something. I can't stand feeling like I've fucked this up, like I've made you hate me."

"Don't be…look, just forget it okay? I don't want to talk about it."

_Oh, God. _My stomach lurched. I started to feel dizzy and slightly faint, "Sara…"

"Cath, I said forget it. So forget it, okay?"

"No, Sara, you need to pull over."

"Cat, we're five miles from the exit, and I said I _don't_ want to talk about it."

But there were familiar rumblings in my stomach and I was beginning to feel a bit green. I shook my head violently, "Sara, you need to pull over. _Now."_

"But Catherine-"

"Sara, so help me god, if you do not pull over right now I am going to puke in your hundred thousand dollar car!"

Her eyes went wide, "What?" She took one look at me and moved into the other lane. "Oh, God. Hang on, Cat. Just one second. I am so sorry, Catherine, hang on."

As soon as we reached the side, I jumped out and ran for the grass where I promptly threw up everything I had eaten that day. I knew what this was. It was my body's natural reaction to extreme stress, embarrassment or guilt; any time I especially lost control of a situation or my emotions surrounding it. It had only happened a few other times in my life, Eddie's case being one of those times. I closed my eyes as I knelt in the grass; one hand held my weight while the other cradled my stomach. I threw up again, and in the midst of it, I began to cry. Deep, racking sobs.

_Shit._ _How had it gotten this far? That the intensity of my feelings for her was comparable to the stress of Eddie's death or my first night on stage or cocaine withdrawal? How had I let this happen? People did not affect me this much! I didn't fall in love. Not really. Sure, I fell in love in the flirty, devil with a blue dress, special performance, one night only, scattered rose petals, that better be real champagne kind of way. But…that was just pretend. _

I was forty years old, and I'd never been in love. How was I supposed to know when it was real?Because, left to my own devices, I was starting to think that…

The combination of sobbing and puking had given me the hiccups. And since I could stop the crying, the gagging, or the hiccups, I was finding it difficult to breath and that was causing me to hyperventilate.

"Hey." I felt a cool on my back. Sara had found me. "Hey, shh…shh…it's okay," her voice was sweet and soothing. It just made me cry harder. I didn't deserve her or her help. "It's okay, you're okay, shh…everything is alright."

In the middle of a particularly dramatic sob, I threw up again.

She just rubbed my back gently and stayed with me, "Alright, okay. Shh…that's it, you're alright. Calm down, babe, we're okay. Calm down."

But I couldn't calm down. It was all too much. I was overcome with emotion. I had become hysterical, and I could not calm down. "I c-c-can't," I hiccupped, "calm down!" I tried to explain. "I-I can't stop!" I was a royal mess. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, my nose was running; I'm sure I looked disgusting.

"Okay, it's okay. Are you alright? Do you think you're going to throw-up again?"

I shook my head, "No!" I couldn't make my voice sound anything except severely distressed and 'no' became a three syllable word when all I really wanted to convey was that I didn't think I had it in me to vomit again.

"Okay, then, here we go." She turned me and easily lifted me with one arm under my knees and the other around my back. She carried me a safe distance from the throw-up and then sat down again, cradling me in her arms. It was strangely comforting. But that didn't mean I was any less hysterical. I had completely lost control. Truthfully, I was scaring myself.

"I-I'm so sorry!" I wailed pathetically, shaking my head violently. "I didn't-" I gasped, "I didn't mean to!" It was one of those times when you know you really should stop talking but then ramble on anyway. I could've easily just waited until I'd calmed down and regained control of my baser functions. But no. "I-I-I r-really di-did-did…" But I had gone into this gasping, coughing, sobbing fit.

"I know," Sara kept on with the soothing voice. "I know you didn't mean to. Do you think I think that you've _ever_ mean to, Cath? I know you don't. But you're a passionate woman. I know that too. And for lack of a better outlet, you get angry. And for better or for worse, I'm the one you like to lash out at. I know _that_ too. I understand. And…it's okay." She smiled softly and tucked a bit of hair behind my ear. "Obviously, I wish you'd find someone else to be your punching bag because, truthfully, there are some things my heart just can't take. But, I know you don't mean it." She furrowed her brow, "In a way though, that only makes it worse. Cause if you feel this bad, then you didn't get any satisfaction from it either." She shrugged, "This is something we will have plenty of time to talk about later. Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

Sara produced a restaurant napkin from her back pocket and used it to wipe my nose and then folded it over and cleaned off my mouth. Then she produced a bottle of water from nowhere and shook it at me. "You can have this when you've calmed down enough so that you won't choke on it. Okay?"

I managed a nod.

"Okay." She turned me again so that we were back to front like we had been in the bedroom. Then she encircled my waist and lay her hands flat on my stomach. "Try to breath with me," she whispered warmly in my ear. And she inhaled deeply.

For the next ten minutes, we just sat there on a rise overlooking the California Shoreline Highway and all of the cars rushing past. She held me and breathed with me until my hysterical cries gave way to involuntary whimpers and sniffles gave way to deep rhythmic breathing. I felt drained and helpless as she pulled me to my feet. Whatever this was between us, it very quickly destroying me. Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough. At that point, I didn't care what happened. At least it would be over.

Standing beside the car, Sara handed me more napkins and the bottle of water, the first few swigs of which were spit over the guardrail. When I felt somewhat human again, I looked briefly up at Sara. In the glow from the headlights of passing cars, she seemed unnaturally pale. She met my gaze until I turned and walked several paces away. I may have calmed down, but that didn't mean I felt any less guilty for my behavior. _How could she even stand to look at me?_

I felt strong, lithe arms wrap around my waist and curl me into a comforting embrace. "You really scared me, Cat. I haven't seen you lose control like that since…"

She didn't need to say it. I just nodded in understanding. I was trying my hardest not to lean into her frame; I didn't know why she was being so forgiving but I knew I didn't deserve it.

"I never wanted to see you like that again. It's painful to watch someone break down that way. But you're feeling better?"

I nodded again, at a loss for words.

"Do you still want to make it to the party? I can take you back to the house if you want to rest."

I spun out of her arms, disbelief evident on my face.

"What?"

I gaped like a fish for a few seconds. "That's it?"

"What's it?"

"You're not going to yell at me or get angry or leave me here to walk the twenty miles home by myself?" _Because somebody should._

She smirked. "Well, I hope you don't think I would ever just drive off and abandon you. Though yes, for your information, I am going to get angry and yell at you. Just not right here and now."

"Why not?"

She shrugged, "You already feel guilty enough as it is. Besides when you're all cute and splotchy like this it kind of takes the challenge out of it. Look at you!" She smiles, "You're so sad and pathetic- practically a shadow of your former bitch."

The corner of my mouth twitched at that.

"Yelling at you now would be like yelling at Maggie. Or a kitten. Absolutely pointless except to stand to make me feel like a horrible person. But, if it makes you feel any better, I fully intend to bitch you out as soon you've built a bit of your reserve strength back up."

I had to smile.

Sara caught my smile up and held out a hand. "So, what do you say? Are you up for four hours of falsely complimenting me to strangers, _my dearest pie?_ Or should I whisk you away to your castle-by-the-sea, _oh Queen of my heart?_"

I rolled my eyes as I allowed her to escort me back to the car. "As long as we can stop at a gas station on the way so that I can fix my makeup, I don't see why we can't still go to the party."

"Your wish is my command, _my mighty Aphrodite._"

I snorted, "Sara, if you call me that at this party, I swear to God I will tell everyone that you get off to nude pictures of David Bowie. _And_ that we haven't had sex in month because I refuse to wear the wig he wore in the movie _Labyrinth_ when we go to bed."

"See if they care, _my Lady Stardust._"

"I'll also tell them that you choreograph dances to Britney Spears songs wearing just your swimsuit, a _pink_ feather boa, and a tiara."

She froze. "_Only because Lindsey makes me!" _ There was a note of panic in her voice.

I shrug. "Nobody _here_ knows that."

Silence. "So, _Catherine_, did you enjoy the mini-break we took last month to Aspen to celebrate our six month anniversary?"

I grinned, "Well, yes, I did until you tripped over your own ski and sprained an ankle. But then of course, I got to play nursemaid to your reluctant patient."

"I did _not_ trip over my own ski." Sara said, indignant.

"Oh, I remember quite distinctly that you did. I had to flirt with a guy on a snowmobile to take you down the mountain. Yum. He looked like Rock Hudson."

"That's right, I remember now. And I didn't talk to you for nearly three days after that for being a two-timing skank. But I didn't trip over my own ski; there a was rock."

"Sure there was, honey."

"There was!" She said rather forcefully.

"Uhh…Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"You do know it's a fake skiing accident, right?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Nothing. You're right, there was a rock." I patted her thigh.

"Of course there was. My ankle still clicks when I turn it to the left."

I smiled and shook my head. _And she thought I was amazing?_

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

In the end, the story was simple. Sara and I had been dating for ten months. Obviously, it was pretty serious, but we weren't rushing things for Lindsey's sake as well as our careers. People didn't know about us at work yet because we weren't sure how we wanted to handle the announcement and subsequent changes in the work place. As for the future, well, we were taking things one day at a time. With Maggie and Ayla coming into our lives, the most important thing right now was to get them comfortable and establish a new routine. And that part, though we hadn't discussed it, was very probably true.

There were so many cars surrounding the bar that we had to park several streets over. When we got to the corner, I could hear music and loud voices inside. I grabbed Sara's arm to stop her. She tilted her head curiously. So damn cute. _And that deep lipstick is so damn sexy. Okay, breathe. Calm down._

"Any last words of advice?"

Sara watched a deserted, Japanese, double-decker tour bus roll past asshe thought. "Well, for one thing; stand your ground. Not that I think you'll have a problem with that. But a bunch of people, Denny, Gina, Mo, Joey, and Lola, in particular; are going to challenge you until they know that you'll hold your ground." She shrugged. "They're a little protective of me. Charlotte is too, I'm surprised you didn't get the shake down when you met her."

I coughed. "Yeah. That's weird."

"Oh, and Gina is Vicki's older, more successful sister. She's an accomplished photojournalist and her gorgeous wife is a veterinarian with her own practice. They have a son and a daughter, adopted from Korea, who are very bright. Vicki won't be here though, she has this thing with people dying, plus she and Warren didn't get along very well."

"Is Gina going to be mad that I cursed out her sister?" _I am not going in there if I'm about to get beaten up._

Sara shook her head, "Not at all. She told Denny she couldn't wait to meet you. They aren't exactly close. More like polite acquaintances who happen to run in the same social circles and spend major holidays together."

"Okay, great, anything else?"

"Umm…Lola is deathly afraid of cable cars- if you don't want to hear a very long and involved and grossly exaggerated story, don't even mention them. Denny uses humor as a defense mechanism. He's a bit like Greg that way, so don't get offended if he gets a little off color. And…nearly everyone in there is going to hit on you whether they think were together or not, and whether they are with someone else or not."

I smiled and rolled my eyes, "Great."

"Ready?"

"One more thing."

"Hmm?"

I wrapped my arms around her neck and rested my cheek on her collar bone. "Thank you." I still couldn't get over how sweet she was being to me. I half expected her to just start yelling at me. I might have felt better if she did. That guilty feeling was still eating away at my stomach. "I don't know why you're being so good to me, but I know I don't deserve it."

Her arms came up and held me tight for a moment before she pulled away slightly, keeping her hands at my waist. "Cath, you hurt my feelings. I admit that. So what? We've done it before and we'll do it again." She smiled down at me and tucked my hair behind my ear with one hand. She shrugged. "It's our thing. What was worse than that was seeing you as distraught as you were. I couldn't take that. It _really_ scared me. Besides, knowing that you felt that guilty about saying what you said? It sort of balances out the scale. So, before we go in there, I want you to understand that I've forgiven you. It's not forgotten. Someday when things are a bit more calm, we're going to sit down and talk about ways to reduce our fighting. But for right now, this is a closed issue, okay? The whole point of coming here tonight is to have fun the way that Warren and Matt would want us to. And neither of us can do that if you are worrying about something you don't need to be worrying about. What do you say?"

I bit my lip. I still wasn't sure, but I knew she was right about tonight. I was determined to put this behind me, for the time being, and make sure that Sara had a good time. She deserved that much, as did the memory of her friends. I smiled, "You're right. I'm sorry. Tonight is about them, not about me."

She looped an arm around my waist, her hand settling on my hip, and grinned sneakily, "Very well, _my sunshine, my kitten, my rose!_"

"Sara…" I warned as we walked the twenty yards to the main entrance.

"Oh, calm down, _my angel from heaven._ If I called you any of those in front of my friends, they would immediately know something was up." She held the door open for me and gave me a wide smile. "After you, _my delicate flower._"

Inwardly very nervous now, I rolled my eyes and stepped into the noisy room ahead of her.

There were a ton of people inside; two hundred easily. Sara took my hand and smiled, "Everybody is going to be by the bar," she shouted above the crowd. "It's this way." And she began pulling me deeper into the sea of bodies. I took in the sights.

The walls were done halfway up in dark wooden paneling that matched the floorboards and the support beams in the ceiling. The top half was painted in a dark, shimmering silver-green that matched Sara's top so perfectly, that there was no chance of coincidence. It was a nice atmosphere. But what was more interesting, were the people. I hadn't seen such a mix and match group since my eighties party days. There were Monday night football guys surrounding the television and among them was a man wearing a shirt made from nothing but chains and a man with a rather large python draped over his shoulders.

There were people from all walks of life here. I saw a lot of white people, but also several blacks, quite a few Asians, and a number of Latinos. Many people looked to be mixed race, as well. I saw men in suits and ties; I saw women in suits and ties. There were clearly some very wealthy people here, and yet I saw an obviously homeless man sitting and conversing with a woman (I think) who looked eerily like a mid-nineties Michael Jackson, while they shared a plate of chicken. Even more bizarre were three, what I like to call 'sweater set moms', that sat talking with a man who must have had twenty piercings on his face alone. I didn't care, but neither did anyone else and that surprised me.

"IT'S SARA!" A voice boomed dramatically, forcing me from my thoughts. I looked around to see a dark-haired man leaping over the bar counter and heading towards us.

Then another, sassier, male voice said, "Mmm! Girl-child, you better get yo' ass ova hee'a and gimme some suga'!" I couldn't find the source of this voice.

"Come on and get into these arms, Birdie."

Sara dropped my hand and ran into the arms of the dark-haired man I had already seen. He immediately grabbed her thighs and hoisted her high in the air and onto his shoulder.

As much as she ever has, Sara shrieked. "Ducky!" She smacked him upside the head, trying to look fierce and intimidating and failing miserably when a big grin spread across her face. I smiled because she did. "You put me down! Everyone's going to know I'm here, now!" She smacked him again.

"Well, I don't think abusing me is going to help your cause." He grinned up at her, "But a kiss might help."

_I knew I didn't like the look of him!_

Sara smiled and, draping her arms around his neck, kissed him exaggeratedly on the cheek. I breathed a sigh of relief. "There. Now put me down!" The man complied. As if she'd suddenly remembered, Sara looked up and around at me. The man, Ducky, presumably, followed her gaze.

"Is this her, then?"

Sara never took her eyes off me. "Yeah," she smirked, "This is her." She seemed to shake herself more awake, "I mean, this is Catherine. Catherine Willows." She called me closer with a wave. "Cath, this is Denny Duxbury, the guy I told you about."

He was handsome in a rough and tumble way. He looked like he'd just come in from the outback or trekking through Alaska and thrown on a t-shirt. His eyes were a mottled green and heavy-lidded in a way that gave him an approachable, yet eternally sleepy expression. He was a couple of inches over six feet, with a little extra around the belly, but firm toned arms. His face needed a shave, but his smile was genuine and kind.

He made a show of wiping his hands on his pants before holding one out to me. "It's great to meet you, Catherine. Anyone who makes Sara happy, I will count among my friends."

_Right, time to put on the 'people person' cloak. _I smiled widely and shook his hand firmly, "Likewise." Sara came to my side and put her arms around my waist. I leaned into her, smirking and raising my eyebrows at Denny. "Pretty nice bar you've got here."

He shared in my smirk, "Thanks, I've-"

"Love fo' ev'rybody but, Lola, eh, Sugar-bird? I see how it is. Where's my lovin' at?"

Sara released me and looked at the figure coming around from behind the bar.

Wow. A man tall enough to play in the NBA was gracefully descending the three steps to our level. In full drag. Granted, her height could have been attributed to the five-inch heeled, gold, knee-high, fishnet boots she was wearing. Her well-muscled, angular, male body was outlined in a gorgeous gold cocktail dress. She wore a wig with straight blonde hair past her shoulders. Because she was dark-skinned black, the wig as well as her deep emerald contact lenses were slightly off-putting. Gold dripped from her neck, wrists, and ears as well as a gold bead ring through her nose. Her make-up was also done in varying shades of gold and copper.

"Lady," Sara smiled, "There's always lovin' for Lola Heart from me." And with that, she embraced the statuesque person.

Lola lifted Sara up, "Damn, girl? You went and put some meat on them bones, huh? 'ts about time; you was too damn skinny. Because you know a _real_ woman has a real caboose." She set Sara back down and struck a pose.

Sara laughed and slapped Lola's shoulder, "Lola, I want you to meet Catherine, she's-"

"-the latest and greatest, _I've heard_."

"And _told._" Denny rolled his eyes, but it was clear he was joking. "She's told damn near half the city."

Lola made eye contact with me for the first time, "An exaggeration, I assure you. My name's Lola, dear; Lola Heart."

I smiled and nodded, "Catherine. Catherine Willows."

"Oh, will you listen to that voice and that name!" She hip-nudged Sara, slightly displacing her on the floor. "This one's got sexy down on it's knees!" _Oh, I like her. _Lola grinned, "Now, you ever need anything at all, you just come to your Auntie Lola, okay? But I've got to tell you- you break her heart, I break your-"

"Lola," Sara warned, "You wouldn't want to harass a federal officer, now would you?"

Lola winked slyly, "That depends entirely on what he's wearing."

Sara mouthed the word, 'Sorry' at me but I just shook my head and smiled; I was expecting far worse. So far, so good. We talked for a few minutes about what we'd been doing since we arrived. Sara looked so at home here, more than I'd ever seen her anywhere else. Nodding and laughing at a joke Denny made, I'd never seen her look more beautiful. After a few minutes, someone shouted that they needed more beer and Denny said that he and Lola should get back to tending bar. But Lola didn't want to, remarking that she needed to breathe and that being behind the counter was like being inside a microbrewer's snow globe. And that was when I got my brilliant, beyond brilliant, idea.

"Well, I know we just met, but I'm a trained bartender, though my license probably expired ten years ago. I could help out if Lola wants to circulate."

"Praise the lord!" Lola made a praying gesture with her hands and then hugged Sara. "Birdie, you must love her and marry her and keep her forever!" _Yes, yes, and definitely yes! I knew I liked her. _And with that, the six foot six golden goddess walked away into the crowd.

Denny nodded, "Fine by me, just come on up when you're ready." And he headed back up to the bar."

Sara frowned at me, "Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Honey, if I follow you around all night, then all we'll be doing are introductions. This way, you can hang out with your friends and if they really want to threaten me- I mean meet me," that made her smile, "then they know where to find me. Besides, I like Denny, we'll be fine."

"You're sure? I hate to leave you by yourself."

I rolled my eyes, "Sara, I told you, I was a bartender, I know how to work a crowd."

She smiled. "You know how to work a crowd because you're you." She wrapped her arms around my waist again and pulled me close. Her smile broadened, "Gotta keep up appearances, right?"

_Oh, yeah! _I nuzzled her cheek with my nose, "Absolutely."

She released me and I smiled at her as I turned to follow Denny.

The bartending was easy once you got the hang of it. It was only beer and wine, but Denny clearly loved both and had many kinds, especially of beer. He proudly claimed that he sold more local brews than any other bar in the city. The best part about the bar was that it was a few steps above everything else and I could follow Sara where ever she went as long as she stayed in the room. It took me half an hour to understand what was on tap and which bottles were where. At one point, Sara came by to grab a Jack Russell Harvest Apple Ale and to check up on me.

While I was learning the ropes, Denny told me about his life, how he ran away from Ontario to Alaska, where he was a guide for a while but it was too cold for him. So he went south to Seattle where he started as a waiter and a host, but didn't like the rain. From there it was Portland, Napa, and Sacramento where he had a string of managerial positions at restaurants and bars until he met Warren who wanted to financially back him in his dream to open a tavern style bar as long as it was in San Francisco. That's when Duxbury's opened and that's where he's been ever since.

And six months ago, at the ripe age of forty-three, he had married twenty-seven year old Lara Winters and she was expecting their first child- a girl. He pointed her out to me in the crowd and made her wave to us. She was a sweet, cheery looking woman with white-blonde hair, rosy cheeks, and a perfect smile.

In return for his story, I shared with Denny the overview of my life, giving a few more details than I usually would because Sara trusted him; I only left out my experience with cocaine.

"That's quite a tale," he said when I was through. "No wonder you're a match for Sara."

"How do you mean?"  
He shrugged, topping off a pint of Fleishhacker Stout, "Just that she's been faced with a lot of unfair adversity that has made her the way she is. She expects a challenge, most women don't get that and fall short. But she won't run out of hurdles with you- you'll keep her busy. Now, as long as she fits you as well as you fit her, then you and Bird will last forever."

I smiled, "She does." Something occurred to me. "Why do you all call Sara 'Bird'? I've been meaning to ask."

"And I believe that that is a better question for Miss Gina Michelle Kelly." Denny pointed his bottle opener at an exotic looking woman coming towards us.

She caught my eye.

She was an inch or so taller than I was in stocking feet but her boots were well-heeled. Her waving, smoky-black, hair was half up while the rest cascaded well past her shoulders. She wore a large silver and turquoise necklace that she fingered with one hand like she wanted you to ask about it. Her outfit was a plain black tank top and jeans with matching a turquoise and silver belt. All of this was under a light brown suede duster, matching cowboy hat, and deep, luminescent blue eyes. She swaggered up to the bar like an Old West cowboy.

So much so that it didn't feel at all strange to lean back on one elbow and ask, "So. What'll it be?" in my best Texas twang.

She grinned at me and nodded to Denny, "You're Catherine, right? Sara told me to _be nice_. But I'd imagine that you eat _nice _people for lunch, am I right?"

I smirked. "In a manner of speaking."

"So, I should feel free to be my good old _bad_ self, then?"

She had gotten my attention, I liked her. "Oh, don't hold back on my account." I whipped my dishrag against the counter and gave my best coy look. It was fun to play back and forth like this.

She laughed, "Alright then, Catherine, gimme a bottle of Seal Rock Bock and grab a seat."

I looked to Denny who agreed I was on break. I grabbed two bottles of beer, opened them and put them between Gina and myself.

"So what was this question that you wanted to ask me?"

"I was asking Denny to explain Sara's nickname and he said that I had better ask you."

Gina finished a swig and nodded. "Well, I was there at it's birth. Um, it more or less all comes from her legs. I don't know if you know, but Sara was a lot skinnier when she lived here- had the body of a twelve year old girl. You could have snapped her like chicken."

I nodded, "Everyone has commented on how much she's muscled up since she moved away."

"There you go, then. Anyway," she waved a hand, "Warren and Mattie were having a New Year's Eve party, we must have been bringing in '95 or '96. No, it was definitely '95. So," she seemed to think and shook her head, "no, I can't remember how we got her into it, I think we might have paid her or made it a bet or something, but Maureen, Lola and I got Sara to wear this salmon colored, sequined mini dress."

My eyes bulged, equally from disbelief and wishing I could have been there.

"Which looked- obviously, gorgeous on her." Gina rolled her eyes, "But you know her, she wouldn't stop fiddling with it, trying to make it longer and bring up the neckline at same time. She hid in the kitchen all night, would not dance, and kept saying that she looked like a flamingo." She shook her head. "Anyway, somewhere around five o'clock in the morning, it was down to about eight of us all crashed and trashed on the sofas in the den. Sara was worst off of all of us, since she had been next to the alcohol all night. She couldn't even stand up, and she kept shouting out random verses of that song, 'Pink Flamingo.'"

We both laughed, visualizing Sara in that condition. "So it comes from that song?"

"Sort of. It was so funny to watch her, that all of us teased her for weeks, calling her flamingo-legs, flamingo-bird, flamingo-girl, _flamingo-breath_. Anything we could put 'flamingo' in front of was fair game. Eventually that got tiring though, and we dropped the flamingo and called her whatever was left. Bird was the most common, but some people still call her _Legs_. And from _Bird _and _Legs _stemmed a whole other wealth of names; Sticks, Stems, Pipes; Birdie, Whirlybird, Bird the Brain, Birdgirl, Sarabird- the possibilities are endless. Everyone has there favorite. I'm a Whirlybird girl, myself." She downed the last of her beer, "So there you have it; the Saga of Sara the Flamingo Queen."

I smiled. It was a good story. We talked for another twenty minutes before there was a sudden beverage rush and Denny needed my help again. For the next hour or so, I tended bar and talked with Denny as well as meeting a number of Sara's general acquaintance who introduced themselves to me. Several, as Sara had predicted, tried to pick me up with rather bad lines that I'm sure they'd had no luck with before. I met Diane the corporate-butch investment banker, Brody the ninth grade science teacher, Margaret who I'm sure was not born a woman and Truman, the Rastafarian steel-drum instructor. I was just handing Poppy, the seventy-five year old x-rated romance novelist, a glass of red wine when I felt familiar arms wrap around me from behind.

I relaxed into the embrace and looked up at her, "Hey, you having fun? Is it good to see everyone?"

She nodded, "It appears you have passed the tests with Lola, Gina, and Denny, plus all the other people I've sent up to see you. They've all told me how sweet and accommodating you are, and what a cute ass you have."

I pushed my butt back into her playfully, "Well, how nice of them."

"You're not bothered by all of this?"

"Are you kidding? It's a blast. _Plus,_ I'm learning all sorts of things I never knew about you, _my Flamingo Queen._"

She groaned and dropped her head to my shoulder. "I'll kill Gina," she muttered.

In my best _Vicki_ imitation, I batted my eyes up at her and said, "What's the matter, _Birdie-bird_?"

She pinched me viciously, "Not funny." But she was smiling. "Listen, they're about to start the talent portion of the night, and I was wondering if you'd want to sit with me."

I smirked at her, "What kind of question is that?"

"What?"

"Birdie-love," I smiled, "we have been dating for nearly a year, if you still need ask me if I'll share your lunch table, then maybe we're going about this the wrong way."

She shook her head hopelessly.

"_Yes,_ Sara, I would like to sit with you."

She grinned contentedly, "Good, because the soundstage is in the other room and we have to hurry if we want to get good seats."

But at that moment there was a rush to the other room and we were left with seats at the back, or I should say, _seat. _There were, in fact, two seats available. But, seeing that people were still crowding in, I graciously sacrificed my chair and took up residence in Sara's lap.

When she gave me a smirk, I simply said, "We have to conserve space, _honey._"

"Ah," she replied and, still smirking, she repositioned me with her arms draped across my lap. I leaned back and we watched the stage.

Joey, it turned out, was the master of ceremonies for this event and therefore had to go first. He told the story of how he and Warren met and then the story of how he was best man at their wedding. Sara whispered that she had been best woman for Matt and they'd made her wear a sleeveless burgundy dress. Joey's speech was short and quickly gave way to others. Charlotte also spoke as did Maureen, but she also sang a beautiful gospel song. Denny performed a song he had written and accompanied himself on acoustic guitar. Lola recited a wonderfully melancholy poem. Gina spoke as well, but she had arranged a digital photo collage and had it projected up onto the wall. Several people even Sara didn't know spoke or performed or recited, until we had been sitting there for nearly two hours.

Then Joey announced rather loudly that that was everyone who had signed up.

Someone protested rather loudly, "Hey, what about Sara?"

I felt Sara tense beneath me.

"Sara's got to get up there!"

"Yeah, isn't Sara going to sing?"

Wait. _Sing?_ "Sing?" I asked her quietly.

She had gone very pale, but she managed to swallow hard and nod.

"I didn't know you sang."

Again, a jerky nod.

"How about it, Bird? You've got to say something and you know Warren and Mattie would be heaving you onto the stage."

Sara was clawing at my thigh and arm like a cat. Or a condor. She was shaking her head violently. She was quite clearly panicking, though about what, I really didn't know. I turned around and straddled her lap, knowing that everyone was watching us and doing it anyway.

"Babe?" I tried to meet her gaze but she was staring off into space, "Sara, honey? Do you get stage fright?"

Her eyes still glazed, she nodded blankly.

"Hey, Sara!" I snapped in front of her face. This got her attention somewhat and she looked at me like a frightened rabbit. _Cute._ I put my hands on the sides of her face. "Hon, is Joey right? Would Warren and Matt want you to sing for them?"

Slowly, she nodded again.

"Well, don't you think you had better do that then?"

Another vacant nod. She was really freaked out.

"Hey," I said more calmly, "it's just your friends here; it's just me. And we only want to hear what you have to say, okay? It's just a conversation with a microphone and a musical interlude. Nothing to be afraid of."

In the middle of her nod, Sara's eyes became focused once more. She studied me. "You're amazing," she whispered.

My heart filled with light. I shook my head, "Now, that's where you're wrong. If anyone here is amazing," I thumbed her jaw line, "it's you."

She searched my eyes, trying to find insincerity, I think. She wouldn't find any. Seemingly satisfied, she nodded one more time, "Okay," she smiled bravely, "I'll do it."

_That's my girl. _"That's my girl." _Oops._

But she was smiling as I stood up to let her out. There were cheers in and amongst the crowd. She held my hand, "Wait for me?"

I smirked. "You're my ride home," my tone was warm.

She shook my hand a bit before making her way through the chairs to the soundstage. I watched her step up and take the mike from Joey who hugged and kissed her and whispered something in her ear to which she nodded and smiled. Sara lowered the mike stand and stood behind it. Rather than sit back down, I leaned against the wall so that, not only could I see Sara, but she could see me. I wanted to reassure her and keep her calm. As she surveyed the crowd, she caught my eye and I smiled. She smiled back. And then began to speak.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

**Okay, so I know how tempting it is to leave only one review on a double post, but…but it's Christmas and Santa doesn't bring reviews. So pause for a moment and review. I may lose all holiday spirit and not be able to write the next chapter, you never know…**


	15. And So It Goes

**A/N: I know that I will make both friends and enemies with this chapter. I hope you like it. Review no matter what! (Remember? It's Christmas?)**

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"Okay. Just for the record though, this speech was unprepared and made under duress; don't blame me if it sucks." Sara appeared to think for moment. "People have already said how wonderful Matt and Warren were as individuals- how kind, and funny, and talented they were. But, I guess what no one has really mentioned yet is how fantastic they were together. I never really knew them any other way. I knew them each for about six months before they met. After that, it was nearly always the three of us. It was amazing to watch them fall in love." She paused and shook her head. "I had the best seats in the house."

I could hear Sara's voice getting tight. "They…umm," her voice cracked, "They really found themselves in each other, you know? Warren had a constant source of faith and unconditional love in Matt. And Mattie would always have Warren to give him confidence when he lost his own. They both genuinely believed that the other was everything they would ever need. And the amazing thing is that they were right. They had the strongest love of anyone I've ever known…"

She faltered here. She had gone very pale, and I knew it was as much from the public speaking as it was from her grief. When she looked up from the floor where her eyes had been concentrating, she sought out my gaze. Other people noticed too, and a few turned their heads to look at me. I ignored them. I focused only on Sara. I gave her a soft smile and held her with my eyes, try to convey everything I wanted to say; trying to give her courage, to tell her she was doing wonderfully.

When she seemed a bit calmer and not quite so green, I gave her a slight nod of encouragement and blinked slowly, releasing her from our silent communication. The change was immediate and great. A few more people looked over at me like I had some kind of magic power. Ridiculous. Sara stood up straighter and smiled resolutely. _That's my girl._

"My boys…with the help of many of you, taught me so much about life, and about people, and about love. I'm not sure who I'd be without that. They were everything you all have already said. They were also wonderful parents, sons, and brothers. They were amazing best friends- the best a person could hope for. But they were perfect as lovers. I know that many of you were at their commitment ceremony, and if you were, then you probably know the story of how it came about. It was the three of us, we were in their backyard at about two in the morning, and we were umm…" Sara hesitated.

"Flyin' the Mexican Airlines!" someone supplied.

"Nah, man, they were rockin' the Fry Daddies!" another guy argued.

Sara grinned, relaxing, "I see that there is more than one version of this story. You're both wrong, actually. First person to get it right gets five bucks!" Was Sara confessing to getting high? I'm not sure why that surprised me, but it did. I'd always kind of felt she was fairly straight edge.

"When was that? Early nineties? War was majorly favoring the honey blunts back then."

"Yeah," Sara conceded, amused by the memory. "But nope."

"Snowcaps!" Someone yelled.

"Nah, man. The boys never did coke- and you know Sara won't touch the stuff." I wondered why people would _know_ Sara wouldn't do cocaine. Her expression didn't reveal anything.

"How about Yerba mala? SF _is_ the birthplace of recreational angel dust."

I tried to imagine Sara tripping on PCP, but the image just didn't sit right.

"What are you, crazy?" This was Maureen. "The musketeers _never_ cut their gold, ain't that right baby?" She looked up at Sara who had sat down on the stool behind the mike.

Sara rolled her eyes, "As fun as discussing my past herbal experiences is, let's wrap this up before I get too nervous and jump off the stage. Final guesses?"

Silence.

"It was the consumption of gumption." Denny's voice rang out from behind the bar.

Sara smiled. "What's that, Duckman?"

"You and the boys. Enjoying the many and varied joys of Alice B. Toklas. If I'm not mistaken, you baked in two matchboxes of Sinesmilla that you bought off Gina's shady Latin lover Luis, plus whatever Acapulco Gold that Matt had in his sock drawer." Alice B. Toklas. Special brownies. With an eighth of Sinesmilla? They would have been totally baked!

Sara's smile widened.

"Do I get my five bucks, Bird? Us winged beasts got to stick together, right?"

"Exactly, so get your ass over here and give me some accompaniment!"

Grinning, Denny hopped over the bar and over to the piano to the left of the sound stage.

Sara raised the mike to her mouth again. "Okay, so the reason I brought up that night was that aside from Warren proposing to Mattie while we were completely blazed, we also proceeded to, still completely blazed, plan out all of the wedding plans using permanent marker on their countertops, cabinets, and fridge…" Everyone chuckled. Sara smiled shyly. _Cute. _"Now, most of those plans got thrown out; I'm not sure how Warren's mother would have reacted if goats had carried the rings down the isle or if we had just decided to have rice crispy treats and peanut butter instead of wedding cake." Everyone laughed again. "Unfortunately, this part of the plan, did not get thrown out. They asked me to sing, actually, they pretty much forced me, but…Well, Denny was Duckman and Piano-man for that blessed event as well, so he knows. They said I could sing anything I wanted, so I sang this." She half-smiled at the mike stand. More to herself or unseen ghosts than to her audience, she said softly, "Sorry if that's too boring or unoriginal for you, boys. But that's just too bad. You've always been the creative ones, so…it's fairly fitting for tonight anyway."

She looked straight at me and I felt that really bad, really good palpitating rhythm in my chest. I couldn't read her expression, but it was intense, reflecting so many things in her eyes, that I couldn't dissect them all in the time before she turned to cast an eye over the crowd.

"This is for all of my friends here tonight, even more for Matt and Warren's friends that are here tonight. Mostly, though, it's for my boys." She looked skyward, her voice growing thick once more. "Know that I will always love you, and I'll do my best not to disappoint you with all that you've entrusted to me down here. You were, and always will be, my _best_ friends. You changed my life. It's strange, really." She laughed darkly, "I hardly saw you at all the last few years. And I felt empty waking up without you and everybody here. But that emptiness could be filled. I could always come back or distract myself with work. Now, when I wake up, I feel this hole inside me that I'm sure cannot be filled. And yet other times, I know that your love and kindness has not left me; it's just taken a different form." She shook her head, "At least wherever you are, you're there together." She was crying freely now. "I really, really miss you. I can't remember how to live a life without you in it."

The room had gone quiet several minutes before. We were in awe. Her words had been spoken with such emotion and truth that I had felt her grief and heartache in my bones.

"That was real pretty, Sticks," Denny said, "how's about we end it on a musical note?"

Sara looked up from her feet, seemingly startled to see nearly two hundred people staring at her. She had forgotten somewhere along the line that she was not alone with her thoughts. She turned to Denny.

"Key of C okay for, ya?" He smiled comfortingly and my respect for him grew with his ability to bring Sara back to the land of the living. He played her first note on the piano.

Sara didn't speak. She just wiped her eyes with her sleeve, sniffed, and coughed lightly. Then nodded to Denny, who began to play softly. I thought that she looked at me quickly, but I couldn't be sure, because as soon as I looked at her, she was staring at a point in middle distance. She closed her eyes, bowed her head once, and then looked up, once again focused on the air between us. She took a deep breath and began to sing.

_In every heart there is a room_

_A sanctuary safe and strong_

_To heal the wounds from lovers past_

_Until a new one comes along_

The song was vaporous as it emanated from Sara and was cast about the room like the light of a wavering flame. She turned her head slightly more towards me, but did not look up. Not yet.

_I spoke to you in cautious tones_

_You answered me with no pretense_

_And still I feel I said too much_

_My silence is my self defense_

I was mesmerized by the raw emotion Sara put forth with each deliberate word. I felt my chest constrict and the tears threaten at her grief. She took a deep breath and slowly shut her eyes.

_And every time I've held a rose_

_It seems I only felt the thorns_

_And so it goes, and so it goes_

_And so will you soon I suppose_

These words gave me a tight feeling in my stomach. Though her eyes were closed, I could see that Sara was get more and more worked up over the last verse. I thought about asking Denny to stop playing but before I could, Sara had opened her eyes and looked straight at me. I was not nearly ready for what I saw.

_But if my silence made you leave_

_Then that would be my worst mistake_

_So I will share this room with you_

_And you can have this heart to break_

Selfish as it might seem, my pounding heart had the not unreasonable suspicion that this verse had been more for me than Matt or Warren. There were a few measures of just piano, and I used them to stare at Sara, trying to get her to explain something, anything. But she just sat there, staring right back, until she began to sing again and then she faced the opposite direction. I thought about her expression; somewhere between determined, afraid, and resigned.

_And this is why my eyes are closed_

_It's just as well for all I've seen_

_And so it goes, and so it goes_

_And you're the only one who knows_

What the hell was going on here? I clenched my jaw, trying to will her to look at me. I was breathing heavily by then, my entire body tense where I stood leaning against the wall. I wanted to see that look in her eyes again. The look I knew had been in mine all week. It worked. She met my gaze once more. I could see the insecurity and sadness seeping into her eyes. And then I heard it in her voice.

_So I would choose to be with you_

_That's if the choice were mine to make_

_But you can make decisions too_

_And you can have this heart to break_

The words were aching now, filled with so much more than themselves, and tears were coming down her cheeks. And mine. I was…I don't know, I was floating, I guess. I could hardly breath. I stood up from the wall, my arms crossed over my chest. The blood in my ears was pounding so loud that I nearly missed the last part.

_And so it goes, and so it goes_

_And you're the only one who knows._

She watched me. I watched her. People all around us were clapping, getting loud, making jokes. And we watched each other. Someone was trying to get her attention, calling out her name from across the room. She ignored them, standing and stepping off the soundstage. And then she was walking. Towards me. By the time I realized that fact, she was nearly in front of me. I took the three small steps that brought us toe to toe. I tilted my head back to see her, to see what was in her eyes this time.

And suddenly everything was clear. I wanted Sara and the look in her eyes said that she wanted me just as much, and in more than one capacity. With her standing so close, I didn't know what I had been thinking in the last few days. _I, me, Catherine Willows does not question her instincts! _And my instincts said that Sara and I…fit. We just did. And no ex-girlfriend, no florist, no _anybody_, was going to convince me otherwise, God dammit!

And that was what was going through my mind as she rested her palm on the curve of my hip.

"Hey," she said cautiously, quietly. But I heard her perfectly through the crowd. Her eyes were deep and liquid pools. My heart fluttered to realize that they were full of hope.

So I did the only thing I could think of; the thing I'd been dying to do since we got here. I stood up on my tiptoes. "Hey." I whispered back. I balanced myself with my hands on her shoulders, brushing our noses together. She had closed her eyes. I smiled into her lips as we kissed.

For the first time.

Soft and light, before I pulled back a bit to see her adorable frown of disappointment. I kissed her again, a bit more firmly but just as sweetly and then pulled back. I was being a tease, and I knew it. But her little pout was unbelievably cute. A second later, though, I was back for more. _Like I could stay away._ I sucked at her top lip a bit this time, and when I tried to pull away, she grunted her frustration. She held me by the shoulders.

"Catherine," she spoke defensively against my lips, "If you are teasing me, I swear to God..."

_Oops. Bad move. I played right into her insecurities!_ I inwardly hit my own head with a brick. "_No,_" I hurried to reassure her, "no, baby, I'm not teasing you. Well, I mean yes, I was teasing you just then, but-" She tried to back away but I grabbed her wrists and pulled her back to me, saying, inches from her lips, "But only because you looked so damn sexy when you'd thought I'd stopped kissing you, okay? I'm sorry, I guess first kisses really aren't the time to do that, are they?" I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her bodily into me, trying to convince that uncertainty right off her worried face. "Sara, I wouldn't do that to you. Not now, not ever. The both of us have too much to lose to mess around with this. No, hon, I'm not teasing you." I smiled. "Were you teasing me?" I prodded, knowing the answer but wanting her to understand how ridiculous her question had been to me.

"What?" Her eyes widened. "No, of course not!" she said a bit angry, but not really. "How could you…I…"

I pressed a finger to her lips and shook my head. "Just checking. I'm sorry I teased you, it wasn't my intention. I promise to be completely serious the next time."

I watched her fight a smile, "The next time?"

_I will never get over how amazingly cute she is._ "Mhm." I nodded as I backed up slowly, pulling her with me until I was once again leaning against the wall. With Sara pressed snugly into me. _That was new._ "Next time." I grinned up at her, reclining demurely on the wall, an arm raised above my head; the perfect damsel in distress. "Which should be any second now. Ten…nine…eight…seve-" and then my lips were being wonderfully assaulted by the taste of Harvest Apple Ale and chocolate as well as the sweet lips of the woman standing above me.

I felt her wrap her arms around my waist and the only thing that kept me from sinking into them was the sensation of her mouth on mine. And she nipped at my lower lip before sucking it into her mouth and I think I died for a little bit, there. So I opened my mouth because I just figured that that was the universal sign 'honey, I'm home' and that everybody knew that. Though apparently, Sara didn't because she continued to play with my bottom lip and was quite surprised when I became the initiator and brushed my tongue against hers.

And that is when I found out about the switch. Slipping Sara tongue is like giving Popeye spinach. Only sexier. It's the button that activates her for hyperspace or _hypersex_ or something. It's amazing. Because one minute, there you are having a go at nice, soft, quiet kiss, and then all a sudden she has moaned into your mouth and is lifting you up to balance on the three inch edge of the wainscoting, which is not wide enough for a preschooler's ass, let alone yours, I mean mine. So you have to wrap your legs around her waist to keep from falling over, which normal Sara would notice is not a smart thing to do in a room of two hundred people. But crazed, sex-addicted Sara? Does not care!

And the kissing. Oh, the kissing! Jump straight to final Jeopardy, my _God, _she's amazing. I'm telling you, it's not the same woman. The transformation is unbelievable. So sexy. _So beautiful._ So usefully…exploitable, in the future.

She was grabbing the undersides of my thighs rather roughly, and I yelped into her mouth. I was alert enough to know that, even if I didn't mind an audience, when Sara came down off this sex-high or whatever, she would be mortified. "Hey, you interrupted my countdown." I tried to talk her down before anyone noticed.

She moved her attentions down to my neck and my eyes fluttered shut. _Screw getting caught._ "Weren't counting…fast enough," she murmured, licking and laving the hollow of my neck with kisses.

"Hmm…" _What was it I had been trying to do?_ As I buried a hand in her hair and held her to me, I tried, though not too hard, to remember. _Oh, yeah. _"Sara?"

"Hmm?" She nibbled at my throat.

_Oh, my God. _"I think we need to…"

"What?" She tongue-traced the shell of my ear. The nails of one of my hands sank deep into her shoulder, the other into her scalp. She hissed but did not pull away.

_Oh, fucking Hell!_ "Umm…the people will," I tried feebly, "…all your friends are going to…oh, Jesus, Sara, fuck!" She bit my neck below the ear and I shut up.

Inevitably, a minute later when Sara had resumed thrusting her tongue down my throat, my hand was up the back of her top and she was centimeters from over-the-top groping me in a very not PG kind of way, someone let out a very loud wolf-whistle. And then we heard Denny's voice call out, "Ladies, ladies, if you'll just step into the back room over here, we can charge admission. No need to make it a free show."

"It's not a free show," Lola yelled back, "it's a charity benefit for all us that's been havin' a slow night!" This received a full room of laughter and a few heartfelt agreements.

"Would you two leave them alone!" This was Mo, coming to our rescue, "you are nothing but a bunch of busybodies. Don't you know young love when you see it? They can't keep there hands off each other, that's fine by me. How long you think they got before they realize that they have to wake up next to the same person forever and the magic is gone? A year? Maybe two? And you two trying to get in the way of the magic. If you weren't behind that bar I'd come over there and smack you upside the head right now." Mo turned to someone out of sight, walking towards them as she spoke, "As for you, I can't believe you whistling like that. What was that line you fed me when we first met about how you hated jackasses who subjugated women and turned them into sex objects?"

"I do!" Came Joey's apologetic protest, "I wasn't subjugating 'em, Mo, I was just making fun of Birdie-butt over there." He snickered a bit until a loud, resonating slap, "Ow! What was that for?"

"For being an a non-chauvinist asshole. And if you don't want another one and a very long speech when we leave, you will apologize before we go home."

"Mo! That really hurt, I think I'm bleeding…Hey, Duckmeister, ya got any ice?"

"Sure. Hey, you want to stay at my place tonight?"

"Maybe. Since I no longer feel safe in my own home. I'm afraid for my life when I walk through the door! What have I done to deserve this, Ducky?! What?" He mock wailed as he stepped behind the bar.

Denny exaggeratedly enveloped Joey in a hug and cried himself, "Listen to me, buddy! This is not your fault! You hear me? I'll get you out of there, okay? You've just got to hang on, man, for your kids!"

"No, no! Anywhere we go, she'll just find us again! It's no use." He cried, "I should probably just go with her tonight. It's always easier when she's not angry! And she only beats me when I make fun of feminism!"

"Morons!" Maureen shook her head and stalked off towards us, as Denny and Joey congratulated each other on a stunt well pulled. "You girls okay?" She glanced at Sara and then looked to me.

Until now, Sara had been hiding her face in my neck, unmoving. I pushed her head up so that she had to look at me. She was blushing severely, but at least she wasn't crying or angrily grinding her teeth. I suppose it helped that she knew these guys were her friends and were just teasing. "What do you say, babe?" I hooked a finger under her chin and smiled encouragingly, "We okay?"

She searched my eyes, and as she did she helped me back to the ground, "Yeah." She kept her arms around my waist and I responded by doing the same thing and resting my head on her chest. She looked at Maureen and I could hear the growing smile in her voice, "Yeah, we're okay." She kissed my forehead.

Maureen patted her back, "Okay, hon. Just checking. You know those big jerks really love you right?"

"Yeah, I know."

Maureen winked at me and then disappeared into the crowd.

Sara looked down at me with a curious smile on her lips and a sexy glint in her eyes. "So…" she said.

"So…" I smiled back.

"Never done that before."

I giggled. I could probably count the number of times I had giggled in the last ten years on one hand, but that was definitely a giggle. A nervous one. "Well, I've got to say, for your first time that was pretty fucking fantastic."

I succeeded in making her blush, "I _meant_ with you."

I kissed her shoulder, "Yeah, I kinda figured that's what you meant."

She held me tight as she surveyed the room and I relished in it. "Look," she said nervously, "do you want to get out of here? I mean, people are going to be going soon, and we've been here a while already, and I really want to talk to you- just talk, I swear." She was beginning to ramble, "And I really don't think Matt and Warren would mind, and I'll be here a few more days at least so I can see everybody later, and…" she trailed off as she saw me smiling. "What?"

"You're babbling. Don't worry, nervous is a cute look on you." I played with the hair at her shoulders, then hugged her tighter to me. "Let's get out of here, babe. I really want to _just_ talk to you, too."

As we made the rounds of goodbyes, Sara kept an arm around me the whole time and would periodically turn and kiss my temple when someone was talking. She did it for the same reason I would occasionally dip my fingertips beneath the waistband of her jeans and touch the skin there; because I could. Because we could. When Sara had to pop into the bathroom on the way out, I leaned up against the bar and waited.

"That was quite the show you put on there." I turned and found Charlotte sitting beside me. I still didn't know if she had thought she was being helpful or if she had been intentionally nasty, attempting sabotage. I didn't care.

"It wasn't intended to be a show," I said, offhand, "we just forgot that we weren't alone."

"So, I guess it's a moot point to ask if you've made your decision."

Over her shoulder, I could see Sara walking back to me, smiling. I winked and smiled back, saying quietly to Charlotte, "There was never any decision to make. I love her and I think she might love me. And if you get to that point, then the only option besides 'take the leap' is 'run and hide'." I spoke to quickly and sharply with Sara only meters away, "And I am not a coward; I do not, will not, pass this by because it might get hard. I'm not going in expecting a fairy tale, _wanting_ a fairy tale- I want Sara and want all of her, for fuck's sake!"

"Babe, you ready to go?"

I looked at Sara, and stood up. "Sure. All set." And once again, _because I could_, I kissed Sara full on the mouth, fiercely, intensely, pulling back only when I needed air.

Sara seemed paralyzed for a moment, then she hugged me to her and a goofy smile spread over her face. "Sorry, Char, but we have _got to go._ I'll call you about lunch."

As Sara put an arm around me and hauled me out the door, I looked over my shoulder. I put on my best one raised-eyebrow, tastes like _'oh, just watch me now!' _smirk and aimed it straight at Charlotte.

Walking to the car Sara looked at me and shook her head.

"What?"

She laughed softly, "If you think I don't know that you just kissed me to one up the ex-girlfriend, your opinion of my intelligence must be pretty low."

_Busted. _"I'm not trying to deny anything. But I will maintain that I was provoked. Now, as to your intelligence, my opinion is very, very high. It would be higher, however, if you hadn't just made a left two blocks back when our car was parked to the right."

"What are you talking about, it's right over…"

"Over where, honey?" My amusement was more than evident in my tone.

"Oh, just shut up." She laughed, pulled me to her, and kissed my cheek.

I turned and kissed her lips.

She bumped our noses and I smiled.

"So the car is back that way, huh?"

"Yes. Remember the red fire hydrant?"

"Oh, yeah, on 17th Street."

"Mhm."

"Well, then maybe we should stop walking and turn around."

"We could keep walking, I like walking." And I did. Holding her hand, resting my head on her shoulder; I had never felt this secure just walking down a street.

"Yeah? Okay." She kissed the top of my head. "We can walk for a bit."

We walked for an hour before we made it back to the car. It was well after midnight. We had walked in near complete silence. Occasionally we decided to cross a street, and while we were waiting for the light to change, we would exchange kisses and touches. But they were our only communication. I think we both realized that as soon as we started to talk, things would cease to be simple. As soon as there were things, people, jobs, children, lives, to figure out, it would be a long time until the next time we could just…be.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Silence was the decorum of the hour even when we reached the car. Sara drove for a few miles and then got on Route 101. Going _north._ It just wasn't her day for directions.

"Sara? Honey? Larry and Tim's house is south of here, not north."

"We're not going there yet."

"What?"

"I want to show you something."

"_Now_?" I glanced worriedly at the clock.

"Yes."

"In the dark?"

"Yes."

"Is there any sense in telling you to wait until morning?"

"None whatsoever."

"Alright then." I rolled my eyes. "Let's go."

We returned to silence for another half hour. The roads were deserted of everyone but truck drivers. We got off the highway, and onto a two lane road. We made several turns and then Sara stopped seemingly in the middle of nowhere. _Oh, my god, she's going to kill me! She'll leave my body here and say that I was abducted or something._

"Can you grab the blanket that's in the back?" Sara asked, getting out and opening the trunk.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure." I reached in the back and pulled out the picnic blanket Ayla and Maggie had given us yesterday in anticipation of the promised picnic in the park.

Sara closed the trunk and flicked on one of those massive high-power flashlights that could double for a spotlight in a small country. "You can turn off the car now, I just needed to grab this." And then she promptly shut the light off.

I turned the key in the ignition.

"Come on, bring the blanket."

I stepped out of the car, "Hon? Where are we?"

"Muir Beach."

"Ah." _Oh, good…wait, where?_ "Babe, don't take this the wrong way, but what the hell does that mean?"

I heard her snort in the darkness. "Well, we are at a beach and the state of California calls it Muir Beach. I always called it the cliff beach, or when I really little, the slide-y beach."

"We're on a grassy hill. I don't know what your requirements for a beach are, Sara, but mine typically include sand and water. Wait, did you say 'cliff'? We're walking around in the dark on a cliff? I think I'll wait in the car, if it's all the same to you."

"Relax." She touched the outside of my wrist lightly and I shivered, "I know my way around here. Just stay right behind me; you'll be fine."

I followed her up the hill, and soon I could hear the lapping sounds of a calm tide. The soothing sound grew steadily louder and I could smell the salty-sweet scent of the waves. It was not unlike the smell of the water beneath the house in Santa Clara, but it was wetter and lighter somehow. It had never occurred to me that the same ocean could smell different when washing over different sands. And there was sand, I saw it. As we came to the edge of a cliff, or more accurately a low lying bluff, I could see a great expanse of pale sand that seemed to glow in the night.

"Oh, Sara," I breathed.

She took the blanket from me and laid it out as I admired the view.

It was about a ten meter drop from here, but halfway down it quit being steep and began to slope shallowly to the beach below. _Like a slide. Slide-y beach._ The night sky held more lavenders and roses than it did at the house, and there seemed to be less stars. But the water held more moonlight here, and glimmered as if there were thousands of silver fish pooling just under the surface.

I felt warm arms come up behind me and I relaxed into them. "Come and sit beside me," she whispered, and tugged at my hand.

When we were seated on the blanket, I had slipped my shoes off and curled into her side. She took the other end of the blanket and wrapped it around us.

"Why is the sky lighter here?"

"Than at Larry and Tim's you mean? Because their house is at the base of a cove. There is nearly an entire mountain between them and the lights of the city. Here, we're almost closer, and we actually stick out. So even if we can't see the city, the light it throws into they're sky is infiltrating ours. Plus all the light from Sausalito and all of the tiny suburbs around here."

"Hmm." Sara's shoulder is surprisingly cushy and makes an excellent headrest. "It's beautiful, but why are we here?"

She sighed and draped an arm around me, "Because as much as I would like to put it off, I really think we should talk now. Before we go to sleep and put it off some more, until it's too scary and we just make things worse."

"Okay, I sort of figured that. What I meant was, why here?"

"I figured there were too many distractions at Larry's and this was always where I went to think whenever I lived in California. I grew up about an hour north of here, and when I was really little, my family used to come here every year. Not to swim, it's too cold, but just for a fun day. My Dad and my brother would race or we'd fly kites and build a bonfire- back when you were allowed to do that." She shrugged. "Nothing that great, but it was always a special day. And then when I was a bit older, my brother, Cary, and I would skip school and take the bus here every once in awhile. He's seven years older than I am so he would by the tickets and I would pretend to be with an adult who was getting on the bus until we got here." She smiled at the memory. "We never had any money left over for food so Cary would distract the store clerks and I would stuff as much candy and soda pop into my bag as I could. Then in high school, when I didn't have Cary anymore, I came here by myself. I…err, moved around a lot in high school, but never more than hour's bus ride from here." She kissed my forehead and squeezed me tighter. "Then I moved back here after school, only I lived closer and I had a car, so I came up here whenever I needed to think. I've really missed it since I left. But, I thought it would be a good place for this."

_Wow. _I wasn't an investigator for nothing. I knew that there was a lot more to that story than what Sara had said. In fact, I was quite sure that the heart of the story lay in what she chose _not to say_. But now was not the time for that. Obviously, she didn't want to talk about it. I would connect the dots later on my own.

I just turned my head and kissed her shoulder. "It's perfect, thank you." Silence fell over us again. _Why was it so hard to begin this?_ Suddenly, Sara turned to me and kissed me sweetly. I brought my hand up to her cheek to keep her a moment longer when she started to pull away. When we finally separated, we were both breathing heavier than before. I gave her a questioning glance that I'm not sure she could see in the dark.

"I have wanted to do that for months," she breathed.

My heart thudded at that news. "Really?"

She nodded and tossed up a hand in surrender. "Maybe years. I don't know."

I sighed my relief as my head dropped to her shoulder, "I know exactly what you mean."

"You do?"

"Yeah. It's like, I always found you attractive, right? But at some point without my knowing it, the _way_ I was attracted to you changed. Now you're not just another attractive person I know, you're _the_ freaking _Sara Sidle_. And I don't know when, I don't know how, and I don't know why." I twisted and dropped my head into her lap where her hand immediately, familiarly now, went into my hair. "All I know is that it's the most amazing feeling. And when I'm with you…" I grinned up at her. "Wow. Just…just wow. And when I'm away from you…" I shook my head, "And I know I never want to end." _And now please say you feel the same or else I will look like a total idiot._

She smiled and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. She ran her finger over the bridge over my nose, her smile widening as she went. "Yeah, that's kind of exactly it. Though, while I admit to not knowing when or why, I definitely do know how."

I raised an eyebrow at her.

"I think an easier question to answer would be 'How could I not?'."

I rolled my eyes. But I was blushing. And grinning stupidly.

"You're this fantastic, amazing, intelligent, funny, beautiful woman. And I don't know why anyone has ever let you get away."

I laughed at that. "Yeah. I do. I have daughter, a foul temper, a short fuse, and a job where I work more hours than I'm awake- and I like it. All of it."

"Well, good, because so do I."

I sat up. "Really?"

"No." She sounded serious and my heart sank. "I _love_ your daughter. I understand your commitment to your job, and I think your short fuse is _sexy as hell."_ She blushed that she'd said that out loud. "And I will always love your temper, even if it doesn't always love me, because it makes you who you are."

And just like that, I was crying. It was the greatest thing anyone had ever told me; and it still ranks in the top five. I launched towards her, just intending to hug her. But she lost her balance and we tumbled over backwards. "_It does always love you_, it's just sometimes you can't tell because it's confused and scared and nothing makes it flare up more than that!" _Oh, dear. _I felt a good cry coming on.

Sara held me tight and rocked me silently, raining kisses in my hair. When I had quit sniffling, I looked up at her. _God, she must think I am a complete maniac; blubbering like a lunatic twice in one day._ But she was smiling gently at me. _No, no, wait a minute…yeah scratch that. _She was kissing me; kissing me! I was all gross and snuffley and she had just ignored it and bent down and kissed me. And kissed me really well. _Oh, god! _I moaned into her mouth, deciding to become an active participant.

She dipped her tongue into my mouth this time, eliciting another moan. _She may have control over the kiss, but she has no control over my able hands_. I actually smiled against her lips as I thought that. And my able hands attached themselves to her hips. Sara unknowingly made it easier on me by flipping us until she was completely on top of me, all of her weight on one forearm. _Ah ha! Yes! Virtually full access! _Letting my mouth revert to it's auto-kiss mode, I quickly and easily guided one hand to grip her ass a bit aggressively. She gave this really sexy little grunt and I took that as my permission to slip my free hand under her top and draw light swirls and circles on her abdomen.

I didn't want to just go straight for the breasts; that always seemed a bit shallow to me. There's nothing worse than thinking you could really like somebody and then have them ignore _everything_ but your breasts. However, I did want to get there eventually. Which is why my swirlies were moving steadily upwards. At this point, holding up all of her own weight was getting tiring for Sara. So she dropped her lower body onto mine.

Talk about losing focus. For a second, my entire body quite literally went limp.

Sara noticed and pulled up, "Am I crushing you?"

I shook my head violently and pulled her back down. I kissed her hard as I wrapped an ankle around her calf to emphasize my point. "Not at all."

Believing me, Sara continued her exploration of my mouth. With one difference. Her free hand had begun to roam as well. _Oh, fuck. _How the hell was I meant to concentrate, now? The hand started by scratching light lines along the bend of my waist. Oh, _Jesus, fuck. _There was no way I would survive this, I had to think of something. _Fight fire with fire! Aha! _I moved in for the attack and stealthily cupped her breast. Never under estimate the power of surprise! Her reaction was immediate and obvious. She gasped audibly, shut her eyes tight and arched into me, muttering something that sounded an awful lot like, "Jesus, fuck, Cath." _Ha! See how it feels? _

I had officially gained control of the situation. But I quickly lost it again because when Sara arched her chest up, she had inadvertently thrust herself into my thigh. And she noticed. And now that she knew she could do that, she _was_ doing that. _A lot_. And she had resumed kissing my neck. I was in heaven. Unfortunately, this is when that rational little voice in my head began to assert itself. _I hate that voice!_ It started in on how we really needed to talk first, that our first time shouldn't be like this. _What? On a blanket, under the stars, to the music of the ocean waves? Yeah, real romance killer. _But the voice was beginning to win out. We had a lot of things we needed to discuss before we got too physical. _NO! No! We need sex, we need it, we need it, we do! _It was an arduous battle.

Her hand was drawing steadily closer to my chest. _Hooray! _If she got that far, I wouldn't be able to stop until we went all the way. _Good. So just sit back and let it happen._ I shook my head, in argument with myself. "No, no. Sara? Sara, wait."

"What is it? You're not enjoying this?" She sounded genuinely concerned.

"No! Jesus Christ, no! I am so enjoying this. There isn't even a number on the Richter scale for what you're doing to me. But that's thing. Actually, there are two things." I was speaking very quickly. "The first is that I am very paranoid that we are going to roll over that cliff." I laughed nervously, "And second…I'm sorry, honey, but I think I'm enjoying this too much. I think that we need to stop- just for now. You brought me here to talk and I think that we need to do some of that…talking."

Sara rolled off me, breathing heavily and we both lay staring at the stars for a minute.

"Sorry."

She reached down and gripped my hand, pulling it until it was hidden beneath both of hers, resting on her stomach. I could feel vibrations as she spoke, "Don't be. You're right. You were just so beautiful with your eyes shining like that, and then you just felt so good. I don't think I can say no to you."

I smiled at her, "If you're going to keep saying things like that, I think you'll have to learn."

She squeezed my hand. "So…talk?"

I nodded. "Talk."

"What do you think we should do about this?"

I sighed and told the truth. "I have no fucking clue."

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

**Well???? Are you happy? Are going to hack in a rewrite **_**the kiss? **_**Are you never going to read my stuff ever again? Are you in suspense about the threesome they are going to have with Gil? Hahahaha! NOT! **

**Are you excited to find out what happens next? Tell me!!! Hope this made it a Merry Christmas for everyone. Now I'm off to wrap presents! **

**Oh, and the song was 'And So It Goes' by Billy Joel.**

**Happy Holidays to all my beloved readers. It my be a week or a little more until I post again, but I have 60,000 words written that you haven't even seen yet, so I'm not going anywhere.**


	16. Family and Goodbye

31/12/2007 16:21:00

**A/N: Alright, as promised, a Happy New Year post for you. I know it's a bit disjointed, but I had a lot to cover in this chapter. Thank you, by the way, for all of the wonderful Christmas reviews! Sorry if I messed up the translation of your fine and noble language. I only know how to say it in English, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Filipino, and Swedish. The rest of them, I had to look up.**

**Oh, will someone please explain the concept Boxing Day? I Wikipedia-ed it and I still don't get it. Are there extra presents, do you have to wait longer for your presents, are there better retail sales??? Enquiring globally-uninformed Americans (at least one) want to know!**

**Alright, voila! Enjoy!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

So we talked. And talked. And talked some more. We talked, admittedly with kissing breaks, for more than three hours. And all that we had really decided at the end of it was that there would need to be a whole lot more talking in the not too distant future. We had both known that this could be nothing but a serious relationship, since we both wanted more than sex. But how to go about building and maintaining a relationship while raising three kids in separate households and working one hundred-twenty hours a week between the two us, we had absolutely no idea.

Not to mention, that all three of these girls had lost their fathers. Yes, Eddie died six months ago, but that was still only six months. Lindsey was still not the same kid she had been, she was still throwing the occasional tantrum or getting in fights at school, and the only time she was truly relaxed or happy was when Sara was around. And we could expect Maggie and Ayla to be the same, if not worse.

And that was another thing. Would the girls get along? I knew I could talk Lindsey into being polite for a while, but how long could that possibly last? She was ten, not the Dalai Lama. If Ayla stole her toy, if Maggie spilled her juice- things that were bound to happen if their parents were dating, it could very well be the start of World War III. Not to mention Lindsey was very sure that Sara was her one true playmate forevermore. What would happen when she had to share her? Or what about when she had to share me? Because I was always going to be taking care of these girls quite a bit, even if Sara and I hadn't gotten together. And that wasn't even taking into consideration how the other girls would feel.

It was all a big mess that Sara and I rehashed several times only to find that it was making us irritable and grumpy and we were getting nowhere. So, we stopped. We decided that, _for now_, we would take each day as it came. We would relax and enjoy what time we had to ourselves, and when we got back to Las Vegas, we would formulate a better plan. As twilight began to melt into sunrise, something occurred to me and I asked Sara why she had done what she had the night before. Why had she just suddenly confessed like that?

"I just sort of…snapped," she told me. "A lot of things just started to come together, you know?"

I shook my head where it rested on her chest. "What things?"

She sighed and stroked my jaw. "Matt and Warren would have really liked you. That's what I was thinking when I got on stage. They would have loved your devious humor, your determination; your charm. I was thinking about them and how they would have toasted your honor for making me get up there and sing. And if they had known how I felt about you, they would never have sat by and let me pity myself and do nothing about it. They would have made me do something; anything. And then as I started to sing, I realized how close the words were to how I felt about you; to what I wanted say to you. Everything just…"

"Fit." I supplied.

Wordlessly, she nodded.

I could listen to her talk all day- I had just listened to her talk all night. Her words gave me insight into how she put things together and made a full picture out of them. What she chose to say first. What she forgot and had to stuff in later. Listening to the rhythm of her speech, I could practically visualize the methodical way she solved cases. Just another piece of my beautiful brunette puzzle. _My_ _puzzle. Mine._

"So you made a move, not for you or for me, but in loving memory of two gay men?" I pecked her on the nose.

She kissed me firmly, sweetly, on the mouth and shook her head, "I did it for all of us. That was just my justification in case you turned me down." She kissed my neck.

I hummed, "Well, I wouldn't, couldn't, didn't. And right now, I'm congratulating myself on a choice well made." I kissed her again and said seriously, "I haven't been this happy in a long time." Kiss. "You make me happy, Sara."

She held me and we watched morning light begin to flood the beach, changing the horizon from violet to lavender to gray and finally to a crisp, pale, blue. At six o'clock, we finally de-cocooned from out of our blanket and got in the car to go home. When we were halfway there, we called the Wingers and each of us talked to Ayla to tell her we were safe and sound. I was just going to let her talk to Sara, but she insisted on talking to me too. I could literally feel our bond growing as she told me where she was now in her book.

As we were pulling into the drive, my cell went off. It was Gil. Just to be annoying, I pretended to have been asleep and didn't pick up until the fifth ring. Sara laughed quietly at my fake yawn and tired voice as we made our way through the house and out to the deck.

"Hello?"

"It's Grissom."

"Who?"

"Catherine, wake up!"

"Gil? What time is it?"

"It's seven thirty. Now, Catherine, I've been very good about this thing with you supporting Sara, and I hope she's doing better, but if you want her to have longer to get her affairs in order, then I suggest you be at work by tomorrow night."

"Gil…"

"No, Catherine. This is non-negotiable. Your behavior before you left could have gotten you fired under different management. Instead, I arranged it so that you used your sick days instead of your vacation ones so that you could still take a vacation with your daughter. I have been very understanding, but how long did you really think I could let you stay there, Catherine? It's been nearly a week. The lab needs you. The team needs you. Catherine, I need you here. And so does Lindsey."

That stung. I had been keeping in close contact with Linds, and so far she seemed to be okay, but Gil was right. How could I give Sara parenting tips if I abandoned my own daughter? I sighed and shook my head at Sara who was watching me closely, "Okay, Gil, you got it. I don't have much of a choice, anyway." Sara's face fell and I knew that she'd been expecting this.

"Not really, no. Call and let me know when your flight gets in."

"I will. Bye." I frowned at the phone and then looked at my fingers entangled with Sara's. I immediately relaxed a bit.

"You're leaving." She tightened her grip like she thought she could make me stay out of pure force. "When?"

"Tomorrow, fairly early. He played the Lindsey card, Sara. I have to go."

She nodded solemnly and looked out over the sea.

I kissed her palm, "But we'll be okay. Take each day as it comes, right?"

She looked back at me and smiled bravely, "Right." She tugged at my hand, "Sit with me?"

I nodded and moved over to drape myself on her deck chair. On her. We lapsed into a peaceful silence where the wind and the waves were the only sounds. We must have dozed off, because an hour later I was awoken by the click and zip of a camera that had just run out of film. I opened my eyes to see Tim frowning down at something small and black in his hands. A camera. When he saw that I was awake he looked not a bit abashed. In fact, he smiled.

"I just want to go on record," he whispered, apparently so he wouldn't wake Sara, "as saying that I knew you two were going to…" he brought his fingers together in a 'one and one make two' gesture. "I knew it the second I saw you. It. Was. Fate!" He shrieked and I felt Sara tense under me. "I'm telling you, six months from now it's going to be a whole domestic scene; three kiddies, two aprons, and a gingerbread house!"

"Will you leave them be! You are such a gossip queen, there is never a moment's peace in this house! And where were you when I needed help with the breakfast preparations? Oh, no. Timothy, tell me you weren't taking pictures of them! You know how that vexes me- and everyone else who falls victim to your disturbing habits."

Larry came from behind us and placed a tray of mimosas on another chair. I watched as Tim pouted and guiltily handed over his camera to his stern-faced partner. Larry tried to frown but failed. Instead he sighed and smiled, "Very well, I can't possibly yell at you when you look so pathetic. There is a tray of bagels and bagel accessories in the kitchen. If you fetch it, all shall be forgotten."

Tim scampered off and disappeared from view.

Larry handed me a mimosa and then tried to give one to Sara. He sighed and shook his head, "Your possum tricks may still work in Vegas, Sticks, but Lady Catherine and I both know that you've been up for a while now."

No response.

I bent to her ear and whispered, "Rise and shine, Birdie-love. It's breakfast now and soon it will be time for bed." I finished by nibbling her earlobe gently.

Her eyes were wide open and she was reaching for the mimosa before my lips had left her flesh. "Good morning, Larry. When did you two wake up?"

I smiled. Even if we had decided to take things slow physically and I was much too tired for any sort of action, it was still fun to tease.

"I believe a better question, my dear, is when did you two _get in?_"

Sara blushed so I answered for her, "About an hour ago." I smirked, "We had a rather eventful night."

Larry returned my smirk as Tim returned with the bagels, "So I gathered."

"Didn't I tell you, Lawrence? I told you they would get together, didn't I?" Tim bounced and clapped happily.

"Yes, you did, dear. Several times. But only after I put the idea in your head."

"Not true!"

"Yes, dear. I undoubtedly thought of it first."

Tim put down his mimosa and scowled indignantly. "You absolutely did not."

"I did. _And_ I can prove it; I showed them to the guestroom before you had even met Catherine."

Tim hung his head as if he'd been beat. Sara choked on her bagel and had to finish both of our mimosas in order to begin breathing normally again. I looked confusedly at Larry, "I don't understand."

He smiled and gestured back at the house, "My lady, this house is gargantuan. It should be a sin for two people to live in it alone." He winked, "Surely you did not think that we only had one guestroom. We have three."

I connected the dots and half-smiled, "Still, that doesn't explain-"

"I already suspected a mutual attraction from our meeting at the hotel and then the return drive. This was just an extra test."

"Test?"

"Yes. You see, Sara knows of the other rooms."

A light bulb went on as Sara burrowed her face into my neck. "And you didn't say anything?" I could almost feel her blush on my skin. I looked down at her dark head, curling into her and tickled her sides, "Peeping Sara, eh?" I laughed.

As soon as it was clear that I wasn't mad, Sara quit her squirming and gave me a cheeky grin. "Yep. Didn't notice I was always 'reading' when you got out of the shower, did ya?"

My jaw dropped. I had been kidding.

She rolled her eyes, "Joke, Cath! Jeez…"

We enjoyed a half hour of good natured teasing about what we had been up to the night before, and then excused ourselves to catch a few hours sleep before we were due to pick the girls up in a little while. I went to brush my teeth and take my make-up off as Sara changed into boxers and a tank top, then we switched. I stripped down to my panties, removed my bra, and stood in front of the chest of drawers; I wanted to choose the sexiest sleepwear I had.

I had been concentrating so hard that I didn't hear the bathroom door creaking open. Cool hands came up around my bare midriff. I relaxed only a little when I realized it was Sara. She pressed a kiss to my jaw, "You'd look gorgeous in a paper bag, Cath. It's cute that you've been standing here for ten minutes, but I really don't care what you where to bed." She kissed and nipped my neck and my eyes shut involuntarily. "Though if I get a vote, I like the outfit you've got on right now."

Okay, my libido…has a mind of its own. One that trumps _my_ mind in moments of pure sexiness. That is the only way I can explain what happened next. I absolve my conscious brain of any responsibilities.

I spun in her arms, looked up at her, and spoke low, "Like it better from the front?"

I gave her my full permission to peek as I thrust my chest into her. She drew breath and took a step back. I watched her face. God, I loved that look. I loved that I could inspire that look. Awe. And not the trashy, leering, G-string, don't-cha-kinda-wanna, sort of awe. No. This was an honest-to-goodness, thoroughly amazed, 'there's Boticelli goddess and then there's you' type of thing. This was not a feeling you worked for. But it was one you lived for. And I lived for it from her.

Sara exhaled, pulled me flush against her, and looked me in the eye. She smirked, "Oh, I'd say the front has it's definite high points." She raised an eyebrow. I fought a smile. _Not funny. Immensely lame. No! Don't laugh! Not funny. Okay, maybe a little funny._ Suddenly I felt her lips on mine, kissing the fuck out of me. Figuratively. I returned the kiss whole-heartedly. When we pulled apart, she spoke, "Catherine?"

"Hmm?"

"You need to put a top on right now or else we are going to pass out from exhaustion at the park in a few hours."

"Hmm."

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

A few hours later, after a wonderful sleep in Sara's arms and not much else, we were spreading out a picnic blanket in Golden Gate park, just outside the playground, with two very excited and hungry girls. I saw Ayla helping Sara neaten the corners of the blanket I had just parachuted down. I felt Maggie's breath on my neck seconds before she covered my eyes and shouted "Guess who?" And I caught Sara smiling as she watched me haul the little girl over my shoulder, sending her sprawling into my lap.

As the scene unfolded around me, I suddenly missed my daughter. Lindsey would have loved this. This was a real park covered in green. Complete with ponds and carousels; it was magical. Not like the harsh concrete and woodchip playgrounds in her desert world. She would love to run around with other little girls and race boats with Sara and read with me under the trees. I prayed that she would get along with Ayla and Maggie. I hoped she would love them as I was growing to.

"When can we eat?" Maggie giggled up at me.

I tickled her, "Eat? Eat!? Never! You must be tied to the merry-go-round and you can never eat again!"

Ayla galloped over, "Can we really go on the merry-go-round? I haven't gone on in forever! And Maggie's never been at all; she was too small last time we came."

I looked up at Sara, "Can they?" I didn't want to start her parental relationship with them by undermining her.

She nodded, "Sure. After lunch though." She began pulling sandwiches out of her backpack.

I clapped Maggie's feet together, her little shoes clicking, "Well, Princess, it looks like you get to eat after all."

"Hooray!"

"But straight after that- I'm strapping you to the merry-go-round!"

Maggie was jubilant. "Hooray!"

Neither of us had thought to bring a camera, but there would be many other 'first' events to photograph. The carousel was great. Maggie stepped up, unafraid, and chose the horse farthest away from her sister's. They went around and around, waving when they passed. Sara soon caught on that, yes, you have to wave back every time.

Later, I lay with my head on Sara's knee. Ayla lay snuggled into me, reading. Sara, also reading, stroked her fingers absentmindedly through my hair as I did the same to the girl beside me. I kept an eye on Maggie, who was busy hopping up and down a stepped bridge. Her arms flailed as she attempted to hop it on one foot. Once again, I imagined Lindsey here, helping Maggie or braiding Ayla's hair or badgering Sara. I closed my eyes and pictured the five of us. As a family.

Was I getting ahead of myself? Yes. _Ahead of yourself? You've only been with the woman for twelve hours! Get a grip, woman!_ But I didn't care. I thought about it anyway. I envisioned us as a family; a real one. Not broken, not damaged or incomplete. A whole family. Neither Lindsey nor I had ever had a whole family. And to think that this could be it. This could happen. This could work.

"Cafrin? Sara? I fell over. I hurt my chin. There's blood."

_Blood._ My eyes shot open and I squeaked. Maggie's hands, chin, and the front of her dress were drenched. "Oh, my God, Maggie!"

Maggie looked at me sadly, "My dress got dirty."

"Oh, honey, come here." I sat up and examined her chin. The scrape was deep, but not suture-worthy. It just needed a good rinse to get all the dirt and gravel out of it.

Sara sat up behind me, "That's a lot of blood for a such a little girl."

I leaned back into Sara and dropped my head onto her shoulder. She kissed my forehead. Interrupting, Maggie put her cute, bloody face right up next to mine, "I don't hurt. Can I have a ice cream?"

"Maybe." I stood and lifted her onto my hip. I looked down at Sara and Ayla, "The people who run the carousel must have a first-aid kit. I'll go get her cleaned up and we'll be right back."

"And then ice cream?" Ayla pleaded.

"If Sara says it's okay, yes. And then you may both have ice cream." I winked at Sara who smiled back. This day was heaven.

I set Maggie down and took her hand as we walked back towards the carousel. "So, how did you fall over and get this big boo-boo?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I hopped. I was counting how much I hopped and I hopped wrong and I fell. But I did not fall in the water so my dress is not wet. There are lily pads in the water but not frogs. We saw big, _huge_ frogs at the zoo…" And so on, until we got to the carousel.

I went up to the kid who was running it. Maggie got suddenly shy and hid behind me. I hoisted her up on my hip again. "Hey, Mike," I noticed his nametag, "we had a bit of a fall, do you have anything I can use to clean this up?" I gave him my special flirty smile.

Mike blushed, "Yeah, there's a kit in the shed, I'll go get it if you watch the ride and make sure no one falls off."

I coughed, "Mike, why don't you just tell me where the shed is. If someone falls, you should probably be here, don't ya think?"

"Oh, yeah…"

Two hours, three band-aids, four cherry torpedoes, and a video store run later, we arrived back at the house to begin the promised sleepover. While the girls and Sara made dinner, I bought my return flight ticket for the next day and called Lindsey to tell her I was coming home. Hours later, we tucked the girls into what had been my bed. Soon after that, we were curled up in what had suddenly become our bed, at least, until tomorrow.

Falling asleep was more difficult than it had been that morning. Being in Sara's arms was just as relaxing, but I was considerably less relaxed to begin with. I was torn. And twisted. And wrenched in every direction. I was going home in just over twelve hours. I kept hitting the light on my watch to see how much time I had left.

Home. But it seemed a little less like home now, with Sara and the girls here. I know how it sounds; I'd only been there for seven days. But in the last week, I had grown accustomed to seeing their faces everyday; I wanted to keep on seeing them. I didn't want lose Sara so soon after I'd gotten her. It could be weeks until things were settled enough here for her to come home and when she did, things would be very different than they had been in California. I wished that I could just stay wrapped up in this world, in her arms, forever.

I turned to face Sara. She was dead to the world. The excitement of today had caught up to her as much as it had with the two little brunettes over her shoulder. Perhaps it shouldn't have, but my brain had already started to think of them as her little girls. It was just so easy when they looked like her and acted like her and followed her around like ducklings. Literally. It was pretty fun to watch the three of them eating their ice creams in a row. The two little ones marching were behind Sara like they were magnetized, as she constantly checked over her shoulder in an anxious way. Though whether it was to check on them or to be nervous over their mere presence, I couldn't tell.

I watched her sleeping form, her breath whistling between her parted lips. I quenched the urge to reach out and touch her. Her nose twitched and I smiled. She would figure out soon enough all of the 'mom tricks' there were to save you the energy you would need at the end of the day, for the many and varied end of the day tasks. Tricks I had learned because of my own daughter; a daughter I had not seen in a week. And she was the reason why I was torn.

Most of the time, I viewed my Lindsey as a joy and the light of my life; because she was. But there were times when I lost perspective, and I could only think of her as an exhausting responsibility. I _did_ miss her. I missed hearing about her day and wrestling her for the remote control. I missed her smile and her wonderful hugs. But I wanted to stay here. I was not ready to leave the safe haven this place provided for mine and Sara's relationship, I enjoyed being able to separate from the rest of our world and pretend that it was just the two of us. I drifted off imagining a perfect paradise where Sara and I would never have to venture outside thid protective simplicity. But of course, our lives were about to become anything but simple.

Late that night, I was awakened by a sharp jabbing in my back. I rolled over to see a sleepy little girl rubbing her eyes. "Maggie? What's wrong? Can't you sleep?"

She shook her head.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

She nodded.

I put an arm around her small shoulders. "Well, what do you think would make it better? Cup of water? Backrub?"

She shook her head, "Maggie samwich?"

I smiled, "A Maggie sandwich, huh?"

The dark head nodded vigorously.

"And that's the only thing that will get you back to sleep?"

"Uh-huh."

"Okay, then, come on up." I lifted up the covers and she clambered under them and over me until she rested snugly between Sara and I. Voila. Maggie sandwich. "Goodnight, baby. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite."

"What's bed bugs?" Her speech was slurred and once again laced with the dregs of sleep.

"Never mind, go back to sleep."

She yawned a little yawn and nodded, "Okay, night-night, Cafrin."

I stroked her hair until she was snoring little snores, "Night-night, little one."

Even later I heard more whisperings, but, feeling Maggie safe in my arms, I was too tired to care. When I woke, it was to a sea of brown hair and Sara's smiling face. Clearly, she had been awake for a while. I looked down and saw between us not one, but two little warm bodies. My arms were wrapped around Maggie while Ayla had latched onto one of Sara's.

"Morning," I whispered, smirking at her self-satisfied expression.

Her grin widened, "Morning."

"What's got you so chipper?"

She shrugged, "Nothing. I've just umm…never woken up like this." She looked down at the sleeping girls "Sort of like a…umm…like a…family," she added shyly. "I didn't know I could do that and…it turns out that I can." The grin returned.

I reached out and took her hand, "And that's good news, I take it?"

She just beamed back at me. _Guess so._

I understood exactly what Sara was feeling, or at least, a part of it. At the end of everyday she had ever spent with these girls- these girls that were half her, they had been taken away from her. For the first time, Sara was experiencing what it felt like to fall asleep with your children in your arms and have them still be there when you woke up. And by the look on her face, she was loving every second of it. I think she was starting to believe that she just might be able to be a mother.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The rest of the morning had gone quickly. Sara and Larry had overseen breakfast while I packed my suitcase, and then we had dropped off the girls with their grandparents. My goodbyes with the girls were more tearful than I had expected- on both sides. Maggie was too little to understand the concept of 'see each other soon' and it didn't seem to be enough of a reassurance to Ayla. I was going to miss them too. Not to mention that they were tied to Sara and no matter how ridiculous it was, I could not shake the feeling that I was never going to see her again, and that was putting my emotions on high.

After those goodbyes came the ride to the airport, which quickly took on an atmosphere not unlike that of a funeral. I held Sara's hand, but other than that we did not communicate. She parked the car, helped me check my bag, and held my hand tightly all the way to security. I didn't let go either. When we reached the checkpoint where Sara was not allowed past, I pulled her tightly to me and tucked my head under her chin. She held me just as close.

"When are you coming home?" I asked, my voice tight.

She kissed the top of my head, "Ayla doesn't get out of school for another three weeks; it doesn't make sense to move her before then and I want to stay with them so they get used to having me around. I may even move in with the Wingers for a while."

I nodded and sniffed. Why did this have to be so damn hard? "But we'll talk on the phone."

"And email everyday. More, even."

I started to cry. "And it will be like we're together more than we are right now." That was outrageous lie and I knew it, but it made me feel a bit better.

She nodded and rocked me from side to side, "And maybe I'll be able to come back for a few days and just see you and Linds." By the tone of her voice I could tell that she was crying, too.

"We won't even tell anyone else that you're there," I added.

She pulled back, rested her forehead against mine, and lay a hand on one side of my face.

"I _really_ don't want to go," I whispered. "Hang Grissom; let's just stay here. Forever."

I felt her smile. She stood up and wiped the tears from my face. "I'd be all for that if he was the only reason you were going home. But we both know that there's a beautiful little girl waiting for you at the other end of this plane. And she needs you more than I do." She gave me a lopsided grin. "At least, that's what I keep telling myself."

"Yeah." Snuffley laugh. "Me too." I brought my hand to her chin, leaned up on my tiptoes, and kissed her softly. _I love you._

Her lips. Sara's lips I could write an entire book, an entire song, poem, screenplay just on her lips alone. And yet I am hard-pressed to explain them. The only thing there is to say is sensory overload. Whenever her lips have ever touched mine, the very atmosphere around us has evaporated. I can focus on nothing else. I've burned many a stove-top dinner because of those lips. They fill me up with a warm, liquid ambrosia; a warm, satisfied fire that takes a lifetime to go out.

What was meant to be a soft kiss became deep and soul-leeching. And the full knowledge that I wouldn't be feeling this sensation for a long time came crashing down upon me in a torrential sheet of panic. I'd only just found it and she was slipping through my fingers. Suddenly, I couldn't get enough of her and had dropped my purse and pushed her up against a pillar. It took Sara a moment to work up the strength to resist me, but she did. It was only when she pushed us apart that I realized that I was crying again. _Shit. She is going to think you have a problem if you don't quit crying every damn day._ I was losing control of it again and once again she just held me tight to her.

When my crying had subsided some, I stepped back. "Thanks. I'm not usually so depressing, you know. It's just…I'm full of all these emotions I haven't felt in a while." I sniffed. "Or ever."

She smiled, picked up my purse, and hung it over my shoulder. "The line for security is getting longer. You don't want to be the last one on the plane." She took my hand and we walked over to the little maze they make you walk through. "Call me when you get home?"

I nodded. "The very second I walk in the door."

Now she was getting teary again. "And give Linds a hug and kiss for me, okay?"

"You know I will." I flung my arms around her neck. _I love you!_

"And be safe and careful and don't be stupid at work, and…and…and…" she nuzzled into my hair and kissed the shell of my ear, "I'm really going to miss you."

I nodded. "I miss you, too." I kissed her neck three times quickly and pulled away. "Bye."

If my eyes were as wet as hers, we were going to need a mop. "Bye." Her voice was dark and heavy with ache and emotion. Just like mine.

I turned to go and got three steps before I whirled around to kiss her deeply one more time. "Okay…bye."

She nodded, breathing heavily, "Bye."

She leaned against the pillar the whole time I walked through security and I half-wished she wouldn't. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, but it was almost painful to see her standing there with her arms crossed over her chest like that and not be able to run and kiss the frown off her face. When I got through, I turned and made eye contact with her. _I love you!_ She smiled her brave smile at me and I sent her a reluctant smile back. I gave her a half-wave and she nodded and waved back.

"I love you," I whispered to myself as I turned and walked down the terminal to the gate.

As I sat waiting for the plane to take off, I rested my head against the cool window and watched the gray clouds shifting beyond it. As the rain began to trickle down the glass in twisting rivulets, I thought about what I'd said. I love you. I loved her. I _loved _Sara. I did. There was no possible way to deny it. I had been trying to for days but it had just refused to stay down and now, here it was. It was out. I loved Sara Sidle. I was _in love_ with Sara Sidle. This had to be it. _That's_ what it felt like. And now that I knew what it felt like, I knew for sure that I had never felt it before.

This was…this was everything. This was what I had scoffed about when I watched _those _movies or read _those_ books or saw the end results of crimes of passion. I'd thought…but no…this was not exaggerated, this was real. This is what they fought for, this is what is was all about. It wasn't perfect, of course not. But what was perfect was the way it inspired me.

With Eddie, I gave up. I didn't care anymore. My passion was short-lived, it lacked conviction. This was different; Sara was different. I wanted this more than I had ever wanted anything, it was bigger than either of us. I had been right in what I'd told Charlotte; I didn't have a choice. This thing, this love, was overpowering and it threatened to destroy me if I did not grab hold and breathe it in. If I would not let it consume me in fire then, without my consent, I would be consumed in ice.

So, I gave myself over to it. I let it have me. As I sat there in that plane, and felt it's engines rumble powerfully, any vestiges of hesitance I had left were flung away into the sky. So that, as I stepped off the plane and into my little girl's arms, as I played with her all day and tucked her into bed at night; so that as I got dressed and headed into work, received my assignment, and drove with Nick out to Seven Hills; as sat in the break room and pathetically fingered the handle of her coffee mug. I had one thought on my mind. One simple, perfect, reassuring thought.

_I love you, Sara Sidle._

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Can I get an 'Aww'? I hope this chapter made you as happy as it made me! Now, what are you waiting for? Enter the New Year with some good karma and…review!**

**Oh, and the next post may take longer. Wish me luck! I'm getting my second tattoo on Friday!**


	17. The Transparency of LOVE

**A/N: Hey, hope everybody had happy holidays! I know this post is a bit shorter that recent ones, but I've got to follow the natural breaks of the story. This is (in my opinion) when the really good stuff starts, so sit back and grab hold. About three to five chapters out, things are going to start speeding uppity up. Keep up the reviews! They rock my world!**

**Oh, and thanks to Strummer29, whose prompt gave me vision and structure for this post and a few more to come. Without you, this chapter could have taken ages, but you saved it! Hooray! **

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I won't be dramatic and say that being away from Sara was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it wasn't fun. Three days in I was half-ready to quit work and fly back to her. Having Lindsey with me was both good a consolation and a discomfiture. She distracted me and I'd missed her, but it felt as if she never stopped talking about Sara and how much she wanted to meet Ayla and Maggie. As promised, Sara and I talked on the phone at least once a day and we emailed constantly. Once, I was stuck in my office one night at work and I procrastinated doing my paperwork by having a two-hour instant message chat with her.

After a week of separation, Sara called with some disheartening news; Molly had decided to petition the will and file for custody of the girls. While Sara's lawyer had assured her that Molly didn't stand a chance, this new development did mean a lot of extra paperwork, conferences, and hearings. And all of that meant that Sara was not going to be able to come home for a visit.

At first, I was upset- I had looking forward to our time together, but then we started talking about what to do with the girls for summer vacation and I got an idea. Lindsey got out of school a few days earlier than Ayla did. And Grissom did say that he saved my vacation time. Granted, I doubt he thought I'd be using it this soon but…I'd just have to make him an offer he couldn't refuse.

Everything fell into place from there. Lindsey and I would go back to San Francisco for ten days to help get the girls ready to move. Sara needed to go through everything in Matt and Warren's house to divide things up and put the rest in storage, and she also needed help to pack up the girls' things. I was so excited about returning to San Francisco and taking Lindsey with me, that I could hardly think about anything else.

"So while you were gone, Mitch and I finally had that threesome with one of the Brazilian showgirls from the Tangiers- can't remember her name. Jeremy walked in on us and we had to explain how it's not cheating when you do it together."

"Huh?"

My sister was sitting at my counter, head propped up on one elbow, staring at me incredulously. "Oh, my God! You haven't heard a word I've been saying have you?"

"Uh…" I smiled apologetically, "…no. Sorry. I was thinking about something else." _Namely, umm…Sara._

She sighed, "You know, I don't know where your mind has been this week. It's like you're on an entirely different planet. Even Mom has noticed, and you've seen her for a whole ten minutes. I know that you never go out of your way to spend quality time with Mom, but now it's like you're avoiding her."

I shook my head in denial, "I'm not _avoiding_ her. I just…haven't been in the mood to handle her." That was true. Kind of.

"No," she argued, gesturing with a Cheeto puff, "no, it's more than that." Half a light bulb went on in her head. "You know what it's like? It's like the time you were dating that cocktail waitress in the eighties. Remember? You referred to her as Alex instead of Alexis and played the pronoun game with me so that I wouldn't figure out she was a _she_?" Nancy laughed, "You avoided Mom like crazy then because you were afraid of what she'd do to you if she found out you were-" Nancy's eyes went wide as the other half of the light bulb switched on. I busied myself with wiping the counter.

"Oh, my God. You're in love."

My head snapped up. That was a jump. "What?!"

"Yes. You're totally in love. And it's with a woman."

I gave my most convincing snort. "Better leave the investigating to me, Nance."

It was her turn to snort. "No? Let's play your little game for a second and 'examine the evidence.'" She counted off on her fingers, "You're avoiding Mom, which is a sure sign you're doing something she won't approve of; remember how you didn't talk to her at all that summer you and Zach Gruber got high everyday at the public pool? You're being totally spacey; your shirt is inside out, by the way. You've been complaining about not getting any sleep. You've perfected the lover's mope, like you'll waste away whether or not you gaze longingly out the window. But you've got the weirdo mood swings, too, because I know that Linds and I walked in on you belting out 'Walking on Sunshine' along with the radio- using the broom as a mike stand. Don't even try to deny it."

_I won't deny it. It's a classic song._ Nevertheless, Sara and I had agreed to wait before we told anyone, and we wanted the girls to be the first to know; after all it would affect their lives the most. "You have a very active imagination, Nancy. If only my life were that interesting." _Yes, if only._

She held up her hands in surrender, "Fine, don't tell me. I, unlike you, am a patient woman, though god knows where I get it in this family. I know I'm right. I'll find out eventually. Now, what I was saying before; do you and Lindsey want to come with us to the water park?"

"When?"

"The twenty-fourth."

I ducked my head guiltily and coughed, "Ah…can't. Love to, but can't. Sorry."

"That's fine. We can always go some other time this summer" She frowned at a Cheeto. "Can I ask what you'll be doing instead?"

I spun to the sink and mumbled something incomprehensible.

"What was that?"

"Flying to San Francisco," I said quickly.

"What?! Again? Why?"

"Well, you know, Linds and I are due a family vacation and I really liked the time I spent there, and you know how attached Lindsey has gotten to Sara, so…"

"Oh, my God, it's Sara, isn't it?" _Damn. _"Isn't it? You're in love with Sara."

I gave her my best look of contempt. _Stupid sisters._ "I hate you."

"Oh, my God…"

My sister's acceptance of my sexuality was tenuous, which is better than my mother's, which was non-existent. I came out to Nancy when she was sixteen and I was nearly twenty. And she was cool with it, in theory. But when it came to practical application…not so much. When I introduced her to my first serious girlfriend, her reaction was, "I thought you were kidding, you know, like you got drunk and kissed a girl once or something. Holy shit, Cathy, Mom's gonna flip!" So…yeah. By the time Sara and I had gotten together, she was a bit better than that, but not much. Twenty years had changed her thoughts of lesbianism from 'Ah! Alien!' to 'Crazy and trendy.' Which meant that at bake sales, she could drop a line about her bisexual ex-stripper sister and all of the other moms would think she was either bohemian and wild or kind (better known as patronizing) and supportive.

It was the sort of thing that, provided we didn't talk about it in depth, there was no awkwardness between us. She was right about one thing, though; Mom would flip. Mom _did_ flip, somewhere around 1986. I made the mistake of wanting an honest relationship with my mother. So, when she asked if I was seeing anyone, I casually said, 'Remember Melinda from work? We've been flirting a lot lately, but nothing's happened yet.' Disaster. She went ballistic, threw a fit, didn't talk to me for a week, and then pretended that the whole thing never happened. And apart from an ignored comment on my part here and there, 'Catherine's flexible sexuality' was never been mentioned again.

I'm not complaining though. I don't think I could have stood it if she wanted to join PFLAG, wear 'Proud Mom' t-shirts, and attend rallies. I could just see her _deciding_ to be supportive and then introducing me as 'Catherine, my eldest and sexually explorative daughter.' I am thankful for the little things.

So, I explained the situation to my sister as best I could while giving as few details as possible. For instance, I told her that Sara asked me out after her friends' funeral, but I didn't mention the romantic serenade, or the making out, or the watching the sunrise, or the sleeping in each other's arms. As soon as I did any of that, she would get that look on her face like I brought her soft-boiled eggs instead of hard-boiled. You don't want to be a bitch and send it back, but you don't want to it, either. Nancy gave me her 'I'll support you through anything' speech and then proceeded to tell me the hundred reasons why this relationship wouldn't work, never mind that Sara is a woman.

When Nancy left with Lindsey in tow, I collapsed on the couch. I knew I should be thankful that I didn't have a torch and pitchfork kind of family, and that even if she wasn't okay with it, my sister was making and effort, but sometimes I didn't wonder if things would be easier if we didn't tiptoe around my sexuality like it was a sleeping bear. If I was watch a movie with my mom and my sister, and I thought that Angelina Jolie looked damn fine in some outfit, I had to hold my tongue because it would make them uncomfortable. If I thought about it too much, that kind of thing really got under my skin.

I sighed and lifted myself off the couch to go fold laundry and get ready for work. No matter how many times I wanted to explode at them and provoke them into telling me what they really thought- _You made less of a fuss when I was pawning your jewelry for drug money! When I was dancing, you were disappointed but you dealt with it. But I fall in love with a woman and you're ready to ship me off to somewhere where they help 'the kind of people who have my problem'!_

No matter how tempting that was, I would never do it for the same reason I didn't do a lot of things. Lindsey. Lindsey needed her family. Apart from Eddie's mother who was overbearing and manipulative, Nancy, Mom, Jeremy, and Nancy's husband Mitchell were the only family either of us had. And while I could certainly live without my mother most of the time, and Mitchell seriously needed a set of nose hair clippers, Linds needed all the family she could get.

Before I left for work, I opened my email to find my daily message from Sara, but I also had one from Maureen.

Catherine!

How you holding up there, girl? Missing your lady love, I'll bet. Well, I thought you might be, so I attached a little something for you. Joe and I and the kids were with Bird and the girls at the wharf yesterday and then the park. Got a few shots worth sending of the three of them. One (you'll know which), she forbade me from sending. So, of course I had to get to you!

Hope everything's good with you, girl! Sara said that you're bringing your little girl out here for a bit, how about we have a shopping day and ditch the kiddies with the hubbies? ; )

Alright, tell me how you like the pics,

Mo'

I was smiling as I opened up the attachments. The first photo was Ayla, Maggie, and Sara in front of one of those build-your-own-teddy-bear stores each holding a bear. Maggie's was dressed as a fairy, Ayla's was a doctor, and Sara's was a pirate. Apparently, the pirate and the fairy were aquainted because fairy-bear was kissing pirate-bear. _I wish I was fairy-bear._ Both girls were looking at the camera, but Sara was smiling down at them.

The second photo was Sara reading to the girls at the park. She was stretched out on her stomach and propped up on her elbows. Ayla had climbed up on her back and was reading over her shoulder while Maggie sprinkled grass in Sara's hair with only one sandal on. _Priceless._

As soon as I opened the third one, I knew it was the one Sara wouldn't want sent. It was also, in my opinion, the best one. It was a picture of just her, swinging on a swing. Maureen had taken it from behind and Sara was leaning way back and appeared upside down in the photo. Her hair was flying everywhere, her bare arms were tensed and muscular, and in the foreground, her beautiful face and smile beamed upside down at me. _Beautiful._

Sara would, of course, hate this picture. But I loved it. It immediately became my new background.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Warrick caught me smiling at my computer screen on shift later that evening and tried to sneak a look. He had come into my office without knocking. I jumped and immediately slammed the top down on my lap top. He threw his hands up in surrender.

"Hey," he said, smiling, "Can't blame a guy for being curious."

"About what?" I coughed.

"About whoever it is that has you bouncing around the office these days."

I could feel the blush on my cheeks, "I don't know what you're talking about." I couldn't stop the smile, though.

"Yeah, whatever, Cath. I ain't seen you this happy since never. You've found somebody; don't even try to deny it. You are head over heels." He took a seat in a chair and crossed one long leg over the other.

"I'm not denying anything."

"No? Well then, how about some details? Did you meet while you were away with Sara? In San Francisco?"

I hesitated. I knew I was about to play a dangerous game here, but it was so much fun. "That's where we got together, yeah."

"You're together? Already? Snap! Way to go Cath- reel 'em in fast."

"I didn't reel anyone in, it just sort of happened." I blushed again thinking of my and Sara's first kiss at Ducky's. "We're taking it slow, but we're not seeing anyone else."

"Okay, cool." He sat back, nodding. He cracked his knuckles. "So now; tell me the good stuff."

"What good stuff?" I pretended to be looking at some files.

"Cath!!" Warrick chastised. "The good stuff. Let's start with the basics. Male or female?"

I had indirectly told Warrick I was bi about three days after we first met and he didn't bat an eye. He has been one of my few staunch allies since I began working at CSI. In any of my old careers, nobody cared; it was just like that in the glitz and glam or Vegas. But in the police department, any kind of sexual preference, same-sex to fetish, was kept under wraps or at least very discreet. Warrick and I shared a common bond in our not-so-shiny Vegas pasts, and in him I found a loyal friend and confidant. He takes me as I am and doesn't question my choices, only my judgment.

I giggled. I knew I should stop, but a part of me really wanted to tell someone, "Female."

"Aha. Okay, so older or younger?"

"Younger."

"Jailbait, eh?" He waggled his eyebrows.

I flicked a paperclip at him. "Don't be gross."

"Sorry. So…"

"So what?"

"So, how much younger?"

"Eight years, a little less."

"That makes her what, thirty-two? Thirty-three?"

"My _girlfriend_ is thirty-three." I beamed.

Two days after my return, Sara had called me her girlfriend. Not to me. She had been interrupted by Tim offering her a sandwich and she had said, 'Not right now, I'm on the phone with _the girlfriend._' She thought she'd thought she had the speaker covered, but she didn't. I teased her about it until she had gotten annoyed.

"_Well, either you are my girlfriend or you're hanging up now, because no one except a girlfriend is allowed to pester me like this."_

"_I guess I'll just have to be your girlfriend then. 'Cause I'm not hanging up for a very long time."_

"_God, you're a frustrating woman."_

Whenever I thought about being Sara's girlfriend, I probably smiled a mile wide. Earlier that day, Lindsey had caught me and asked me if I thought my face was going to get stuck like that.

Warrick returned my smile. "Girlfriend, eh? And she's the same age as Sara. A friend of Sara's then? Is she okay with that? Does she know?"

"Oh, she knows." I snorted, "She's pretty fine with it; I guess you could say it was sort of her idea."

"Really?" He looked disbelieving. "Wow. Okay, next question. When did you get together?"

I blushed and hid my face in my hands, "A week ago…at one of the memorial receptions." Now that I thought about it, that sounded awful.

"Cath…you didn't."

I could only blush and nod.

"Well, I guess that's something to tell the grandkids. Oh, there's another question. Has she got kids?"

I nodded. "Two."

"Does she want more? Do you?"

I froze; though it was still really early in our relationship, this was not something I'd thought about before. "I don't know. She wants Lindsey if that's what you mean, and I want her girls…but more than that, I don't know." I smiled at the idea of raising a baby with Sara, changing diapers and three am feedings, "Maybe, yeah."

Warrick saw the far away look in my eye and his jaw dropped, "Wow, you are seriously in love with this chick aren't you? Together a week and you're already thinking of a baby?"

I could only giggle like a little girl and nod.

"So, do I get a name?"

I stopped smiling and sat up in my chair, "No!" I said, too fast. "I mean," I tried to cover it up, "not yet."

His eyes narrowed, he was suddenly suspicious. "Okay…"

I sighed, "I'll tell you what, if you guess it, I'll tell you if you're right."

"Guess? Cath, this isn't Rumpelstilskin, there are like a million names out there."

"This one is fairly common." I shut my eyes, why was I helping him?

"Fairly common thirty years ago, or fairly common now?"

"Both."

Warrick leaned back in his chair, "Okay, common name, I assume it's not Catherine?"

I nodded, "Correct."

"Alright, umm…Emily?"

I shook my head.

"Umm…Jane? Mary? Helen? Gillian?"

"Nope."

"Margaret? Sally? Jessica? Julia?"

"Uh-uh."

It went on like this for a while and I was beginning to feel safe in that he would never guess, until;

"Well, I mean, the most common name I can think of is Sara, but since…"

My eyebrows shot up of their own accord when he said Sara's name and then I flinched, knowing I had just been caught.

"Sara? _Sara? _Wait, wait; wait. I take it you don't mean a friend of Sara's who also happens to have the same name?"

Wordlessly, I shut my eyes and shook my head.

Warrick was stunned, "Sara? Our Sara? Sara Sidle, CSI?"

I tried to smile, waiting for his response. I could only nod.

"Wow. I guess I just never…" His eyes narrowed. "Prove it."  
I crossed my arms over my chest. "What? No! I don't have to prove anything."

"Because you can't," he goaded. "You're just trying to trick me."

"That's ridiculous." I stood up, defensive, "Why would I do that? Sara would _kill_ me if I started that rumor and I wasn't dating her."

Warrick just smiled.

"Fine, you want proof? Fine; here." I lifted up my laptop and turned it around to show him the background on my computer. "That's what I was looking at when you barged in here. That's what made me smile. A photo of my _girlfriend_, Sara Sidle! And if you don't believe that, believe this." I pulled up the email that she had sent me that afternoon;

_Cath,_

_Okay, so I just got off the phone with you a couple of hours ago, and nothing has really happened since then, except that Maggie came at me with scissors and tried to cut my hair (crisis safely averted). But I wanted to talk to you. But I would feel stupid when you picked up and I didn't have anything to say. I feel connected to you knowing that you'll read what I'm typing, so it's nearly the same. Not really, though. I can't hear your voice. Okay, never mind, this is ridiculous. _

_I miss you. That's really what I wanted to say. I miss you even since we talked four hours ago. There's so much I want to tell you that it doesn't make sense to tell in an email or on the phone. I know we've been apart for nearly as long as we've being together but it just doesn't seem fair that I reach for you and you're not there. I miss you. I already said that. And now I'm going to go before I hit rock bottom and tell you that you're the wind beneath me wings. Tragically enough, it could happen. But, whatever._

_Come back to me soon (even if I'm the one that's away), call me tomorrow (or sooner, if you want), give Lindsey all my love and hugs and kisses (tell her I've got her a present and let's make her wait out the week to find out what it is)._

_Love and Yours,_

_Sara_

My heart had jumped and skipped when I had read those four little letters at the bottom. L-O-V-E. Of course, it was implied in everything we said, and signing it in an email was not the same as saying it out loud. But still. I had been signing my emails with a 'love always' since the day I got back. Today had been the first day Sara had signed any but '_–Sara.'_ Seeing those four little letters made me feel sky-high.

"There, see?" I was quite irate at having to defend my love to one of my closest friends. Of course, I couldn't really blame him for not believing me. Hell, sometimes I still don't believe it.

"Yeah." His eyebrows were through the roof. "Wow."

"I know!" I grinned, cocking my hip to one side.

"So…you're in love with Sara." He gave me a calculating look.

"You're quick."

"And she's in love with you."

I grinned a stupid grin and felt myself relax just thinking about her email. "Yup. Sounds like it."

"And she's just adopted two kids and you have a daughter and she's coming back here and you're all just going to be one…big happy family?"

I stubbornly stuck out my chin, "Yes."

There was a moment of silence before Warrick smiled, "Okay, then." He held out his arms to me.

I walked into his hug, "Really?" I could hardly believe he had accepted us that just like that; I knew it wouldn't be this easy with many of the other people in our lives.

"Really, Cath. I mean, the timing's weird and you guys will have to make some major changes to make this work, but I'm happy for you."

"Me too." I laughed.

I pulled out of his warm embrace and sat back down at my desk, watching my computer background smile at me. I smiled back. Warrick agreed not to tell anyone until we were ready and I called Sara to tell her I had let it slip. She had been a bit nervous at first, though she relaxed quite a bit when I had assured her that not only was he very supportive of our relationship, but he was also sworn to secrecy. She was just as happy as I was to know that we had at least one ally at the office. I had the feeling that she was worried about how the rest of the team was going to take it, especially a certain silver-haired scientist. She was not the only one.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Okay, who liked it? Just because he's short, doesn't mean he shouldn't be reviewed. No reviews and I won't post for a month. On the tail of a really huge cliffy. Just to spite you.**


	18. Getting Permission

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies. Aren't you guys so cute? It's a totally empty threat to withhold chapters, you know. I live off reviews. Okay, so in the news; I got my tattoo last week and it's amazing. I would hit on my shoulder if that weren't a really weird thing to do. And I've gone blonde. Of course none of you knew that I was red before, but after about five years of that I've returned to my natural color (for a while) Nothing else to say, that's it.**

**Oh yeah, and the quote is from Burden of Proof. The episode where Gil buys Sara a plant because Cath is all like 'get your head out your ass, Griss, and woo the damn girl before somebody comes along with a better deal' (And someone did because it's Cath and the world is a happy place!)**

**Read on!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Most of the next two weeks went by in a blur. Knowing that I was going to be seeing Sara at the end of them lightened my heart and made everything go much faster. I worked hard to wrap all of my cases so I could leave. I hung out with Lindsey as much as possible as her last days of school drew nearer and nearer.

I couldn't believe that my baby was going to be in fifth grade in the fall. She was moving up to the secondary school, which meant a bigger building and a longer bus ride by herself. I had my first real kiss in fifth grade. Max Carlyss, seventh grader. But I had developed a lot earlier than Lindsey seemed to be, thank God. Hopefully that'd had something to do with it. Maybe I could convince her that kissing gives you an STD or something…

A few days before I was due to leave, I finally got around to asking Gil permission. To tell the truth, I had been putting it off. Things had been tense between us since my return and I wasn't really sure why. At first I'd thought it was because of my…abrupt behavior, the night I left, but when I approached him to apologize about it, he brushed me off. He told me that it was his fault, that he had been overly insensitive, and then he continued to put distance between us. He wasn't avoiding me exactly, but he wasn't coming to me the way her used to, either. We were communicating like co-workers and not like old friends. It was something I was not used to, and something that bothered me.

"So, what do ya say, Gil?" I cocked my head to one side. "Can you swing it?"

"To tell you the truth, Catherine," Gil looked up from cleaning his glasses. It was the first time he had looked me in the eye for the last ten minutes, "I'm a bit surprised."

"Lindsey hasn't had a vacation with her mother since Christmas of '99, why should me wanting ten days off to spend with my daughter come as a surprise?"

"But you're going to be staying with Sara in San Francisco. That's why you're going correct?"

I nodded and dropped my fists from their position on my hips, tapping my foot nervously and hoping I just seemed impatient.

"What I mean is," he waved a file at me, "why do you feel like you need to go spend another week with her? I can understand why someone would need emotional support initially in this situation, but I spoke to her yesterday; she sounds fine- better than usual, even. Why don't you take Lindsey to Disneyland or someplace she'd enjoy more?"

I sighed in exasperation. "Because she wants to see Sara. Sara has been as good as a second parent to her since Eddie died, and this month without her has been as hard on Lindsey as it's been on m- the lab." _Quick save!_

It was Gil's turn to sigh, "Well, legally, I can't stop you. Though I wish you would consider the lab's reputation. With two of our top investigators being gone so much and having rookies as temps, our stats are taking a major beating."

"Since when do you care?"

"I _don't_ care, but other people- more important people, do. I'm just passing on what I've been getting from upstairs. But there's no chance of you changing your mind is there?"

"Nope. I hate leaving the lab short handed, but I need to go."

He nodded. "I'll draw up the paperwork. Tell me something," he looked at me pensively, "what was it that changed your opinion of Sara enough to reach out to her the way you're doing now? A year ago, you wouldn't have blinked twice."

I shrugged, treading carefully. "Lindsey at first. It's hard to dislike anyone who loves her the way Sara does. And then I got to know her better, here and in San Francisco. She's a good person. She's generous and sweet, and funny when she wants to be." I shrugged again, "And now we've gotten really close. So…I have to go. She needs me. Lindsey misses her. I miss her."

"We _all_ miss her, Catherine." He looked suddenly weary. "But I am glad that you've become her confidant- even if it takes you both away from CSI. I don't think she has too many friends in Vegas. At least, that's not the impression I've ever gotten."

I just smiled tightlipped. How was I meant to answer that without revealing something that Sara had never seen fit to reveal to him in the first place?

A minute later, walking down the hall, I thought back over Gil's last words. '_We all miss her.' Not the way I miss her, you-_ And then it hit me so fast, I stopped dead in my tracks; maybe it was _exactly_ the way I missed her. '_You have to deal with it before it just…goes away.' Oh, fuck no._ I flew into my office, slammed the door behind me, and sank to the floor. I cradled my head in my hands and held my breath. _Shit. Not good, soo very not good. _Gil _still_ had feelings for Sara? _Still? _How was that possible? Our conversation- my order to him to do something about it, had been well over a year ago. Oh, this was so not fair.

Not that I seriously doubted Sara's feelings for me. She couldn't, wouldn't, fake those kinds of emotions. Nor did I think she still had any feelings for our boss; I would be able to tell if she did. I had figured months ago that any possibility of their romance was over because a couple of snide remarks on her part. No, I trusted Sara completely. But that didn't mean I wasn't worried. This could get really messy if our supervisor's feelings were wrapped up in our life together. More than that, Gil was my friend; I didn't want to hurt him. And therein lay the problem.

I stood and straightened my shoulders. It was true; I didn't want to hurt him. But I was not about to surrender Sara just for the sake of Gil's sanity. We'd just have to be careful, that's all. And when we were ready to tell everyone, we would break it as gently as we could. Whatever happened from there would be Gil's decision. I loved him, he was a dear friend, and I wanted him in my life; but not at the expense of my love for Sara. No. In my mind, it was no contest. Sara would win every time.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Just as we had decided to wait to tell the boys at work and family, Sara and I had also decided to wait to tell Lindsey about us until we were in San Francisco. That way, we could tell all of the girls together. On the plane to California, Lindsey was over-the-moon excited; she wouldn't stop talking about Sara and how fun it would be to meet Sara's new family. I had explained about their fathers' deaths and Lindsey didn't seem perturbed at all.

"Just like me," was all she said. "Besides, they're like the luckiest kids ever."

"Why's that?"

"Well, I know it's sad that their Dads died, and they're going to be sad for a while. But now they get to play with Sara everyday. And Sara made me not so sad when Daddy died, so they're lucky."

"Aha." I couldn't deny such simple logic or help being proud of my daughter and how smart she was.

Later in the flight, something occurred to me, "Linds, do you understand what it means that Ayla and Maggie had two Dads?"

She looked up from her sketchpad and shrugged, "I just figured it meant their parents were gay." She went back to drawing.

I blinked. "Yeah…" I tried to formulate a response to that, "Linds, do you know what being 'gay' means?"

She just looked at me and rolled her eyes, "Mom…"

"What?" This seemed like a totally logical thing to ask a ten year-old, but apparently I am _so_ way behind in the times.

"Of course I know what gay means…"

"Okay, what's it mean? And why of course?"

"If you're gay, it means you fall in love with girls if you're a girl and boys if you're a boy." Lindsey said, as if explaining it to someone who wasn't very bright. "And of course because I've known that since forever."

"How?"

Lindsey sighed, "Okay, so, in second grade, Tony Margolis called Olivia Torres the f-a-g word because she has two moms. Well, this fourth grader, Mike something, heard him and got mad because he has two moms too. So, then Olivia started crying- she's still a total cry baby, you know. She cried when Kelsey pushed her in the mud under the swing set. I was like 'Just stand up and change your clothes', but anyway, Michael got really mad and punched Tony, and Tony got a bloody nose. After that, Olivia's moms, Sidney and Mercedes, came into class and explained all about lesbians and everything. It was cool; we got cupcakes. Then, this year, Olivia did her current events project on gay marriage and she explained how the government doesn't want lesbians to get married because of the bible."

I just sat there, floored. How could I not have known about this? "Wait, Mercedes Torres? The school nurse?" She was this gorgeous Latina woman who I would have asked out in a heartbeat in the past, but she wore a wedding ring.

"Uh-huh."

"Is gay?"

"Yeah, Mom. Weren't you listening?"

"Yes, sorry. Well, uh…do you have any questions about all of that?"

This was strange. I had known that I would have to have several of 'these types' of conversations with my daughter. And I'd known that they would probably begin around now- the pre-teen age. But now that the first one was upon me, my daughter seemed to be more prepared than I was. It was a little unnerving to have my ten year-old explaining lesbianism to me. She was just shrugging and shaking her head.

"Not really. Except…how do you become gay?" She scrunched her nose.

I smiled. _Good question. _"Well, you can't really become gay, you're pretty much born that way. It's like being a really good singer or basketball player; you're born with it and then the stuff that happens to you in life changes it."

"Oh." Lindsey looked a little disappointed. She went back to her coloring.

"Why?" I asked, curious as to what had inspired the question.

She looked back up at me and pursed her lips. "I was just thinking that maybe people could like, I don't know, read a book or have lessons or something."

I stifled a laugh, "No, that's not really how it works, sweetie."

"Oh." She looked put out again. "Okay."

"Why?" Now she had me really curious.

"It's nothing."

"No, what is it? You can tell me, sweetie." Was she having, you know…_thoughts?_ At ten? A bit early, right? Maybe not.

"Well," she carefully packed away her pens and pencils as if this was going to be a very important discussion, and maybe it was better not to be distracted. "Sidney isn't Olivia's real mom, you know?"

"No…"

"Well Olivia's other mom, Mercedes, had Olivia live in her stomach like I lived yours." She wrinkled her nose like this was something she couldn't believe she had let herself do. "And then when Olivia was a baby, her parents got divorced and a little while later, Sidney became her mommy too."

"Okay…"

"So, we had to do this thing in our journals at school, it was a long time ago, like two months or something. Anyways, we had to write for twenty minutes about our family and then what we would change about our family. Then we had to read them out loud in front of the class. Some people wanted their parents to get remarried. A lot of people wanted to get rid of their brothers or sisters. But I wished for the opposite, cause I want like ten brothers or sisters to play with. Bonnie Bowers has four brothers and two sisters and she wanted to get rid of all of them and be the only one. But being the only one isn't always so fun, which is what I told her."

My heart clenched. She wasn't saying it, but there is really only person to blame when it comes to the number of siblings you have. I hoped she didn't think I never wanted her to have any brothers or sisters. I did. Growing up, I always dreamed about having twenty kids in a big sprawling house with stained glass windows and a big shaggy dog on a big front porch. But that's just not the way the cards fell. And thinking about it now, I really don't think I could raise twenty kids. One provided me with all the challenges I could ever need.

"What else did you wish for?" I prompted.

"Hang on a sec, will ya? I'm getting there," she rolled her eyes at me and patted my arm like I was the impatient small child. "Okay, so the rest of what I wished for was that I could have a dog and a cat and a ferret and a turtle and some fishes. And then I said that I wanted it so that Sara could be in my family for real. And then she could live with us and we could hang out like, all the time."

I was stunned, "You didn't ask for Daddy to come back?" It was the first thing past my lips.

She cocked her head to one side and crinkled her eyes at me, "That's what Mrs. Greene asked me after class."

"And?"

"And I said that I just didn't think of it when we were writing stuff down."

"Would you change it now that you've thought of it?"

She shrugged. "I guess. But what's the point of wishing for something that can't come true? I mean, Daddy can't come back can he? I already asked for him to come back a whole lot and it didn't work, so I don't think it's going to suddenly work now."

I nodded dumbly. It was sound logic.

She turned in her seat. "But about Sara; I thought, maybe, it would be cool if you could learn how to be a lesbian, like Olivia's moms, then we could move to California and you could marry Sara. And then she could be my mommy too…" She got this guilty expression, "I, uh…kind of already told people at school she was your girlfriend."

My mind was reeling at all of the information I just been given. My daughter thought to include Sara into our family before she thought about her own father? And she wanted me take lessons on how to _become a lesbian_ so that I could _marry _Sara. It was a lot to take in. And on top of all of that, people at school…_wait, huh?_

Everything on my tray table went flying. "I- wait, you what?!"

She looked a bit panicked at my reaction as she helped pick up ice off the seats. "Don't get mad, Mommy! It's just that the first time Sara picked me up from basketball, Coach didn't want me to get in the car with her because he didn't recognize her. I just figured he would let me go if he thought Sara was your girlfriend, and he did. But then a bunch of girls on the team heard, so I had to keep pretending."

"What did they say?" I worried about my little girl getting teased.

Lindsey shrugged, "After I told them all the cool things Sara and I did, they were really jealous. They already think you're the coolest Mom because you're the prettiest and you let me bring fruit roll-ups for break time. And Sara's pretty too and she takes me for ice cream, so everybody wishes you guys were their moms instead of mine."

"Huh." I had a feeling that we were feeding Lindsey too much sugar.

She ducked her head warily. "Are you mad?"

"No, I'm not mad, sweetie. Except that you know it's wrong to lie. Linds," I hesitated, "uhh…would you really be okay if, umm, if Sara and I were dating? If Sara was my girlfriend?"

The captain announced our decent.

"Mom," she rolled her eyes, "think about it; it would be totally awesome! We could do cool stuff all the time, and we could move to California. It would be the coolest thing ever! Plus I would get two sisters. And it's not that weird to have two moms anymore, only stupid people think it's weird. Did you know that Olivia has a new baby brother? He was just born. Her mom, Sidney just had him. She brought in pictures for show and tell. He's kind of squishy looking."

"Wait, why are we moving to California?" I was lost.

"Because then you and Sara could get married. And Sara could adopt me. It would be so cool. I would have the coolest mom ever _and_ I would live at the beach. How cool would that be?"

I couldn't help but smile at the scene. Sara, in a sexy swimsuit, building sand castles with the girls, tanning, reading a book, wiping popsicle off Maggie's chin…I smiled, "Yeah, that would be pretty cool."

Lindsey sighed, "Yeah I know, but if you're not gay…" She threw up her arms, "I guess it doesn't matter."

"Actually, Linds…" What did I intend to say to that? I was about to tell her about me and Sara. But we had said we wouldn't. Also, Sara and I had only been together for a month, three weeks of which we hadn't even seen each other, and the other week had been so full of stress, there was no telling how we really felt. "Actually, Linds," I settled for a half truth, "Some people like both men and women. They can fall in love with one just as easily as the other. Like me. So I loved your Dad and I have dated only men since the divorce, but before that, I dated both men and women."

"Really?" She asked, unfazed, "Does that mean you'll marry Sara?"

"Not necessarily, kiddo."

"But you like her."

"Yes."

"And she likes you."

I flushed, "Yeah, she does."

"So…"

"So, what?" I knew my little girl was too much of a Curious George to stop this line of questioning.

"So, I don't know, why don't you guys go out or something?"

"Well…" What was I supposed to say to that? I couldn't lie; tell her we weren't seeing each other and then tomorrow tell her we were. Damn. Cornered by an eleven year old. "Now, Lindsey, I promised Sara that I wouldn't tell you this until we were all together so-"

"Yes! I knew it! This is so cool! I get sisters!" Lindsey was so excited.

I was amazed that it went over this easy, I hoped the other girls would be this cool with it.

"Will Sara adopt me? Are we all moving in together? When can we move to California?"

"Linds, calm down. Look, I love Sara, but this is really new. We don't know if it's going to work out yet."

"Why wouldn't it?"

"Sometimes adults just don't get along, sweetheart."

"But you love her."

"I loved your father, too, Linds, but that didn't stop us from having problems. Now, listen, I want all of us to be a happy family, too, but we have to take it slow. Maggie and Ayla are still shook up about their dads, and they have to move in with Sara and start at a new school. I know you love Sara as much as I do, but we have to take it easy. No asking about being adopted or moving to California or calling the girls your sisters. Let's just have this vacation, okay? We'll worry about all of the other stuff when we get home."

"Okay, can we see the Golden Gate Bridge?"

The subject was dropped, and the talk of all the things to do in San Francisco lasted all through touch down and getting off the plane.

For some reason, I was suddenly nervous as we approached baggage claim.

My mind was aflame with doubts. It had been three weeks since I had seen Sara and the girls. What if things had changed? What if the girls didn't get along? My breath started to quicken as all the doubts Sara could possibly have about our relationship swamped through me.

Sure, we had talked nearly everyday on the phone and online, and she had given no indication that anything was wrong. Sure, she hadn't stopped me when I had invited myself up here for a second time. And sure, I had missed her every second of every day we were apart, with every bone in my very body and every ounce of my soul and every fiber of my lovesick being. But we were co-workers. And I was older. Not to mention, she was a new mom and this was the most inopportune time to start a relationship. Maybe it would all be too much. I was in a frenzy all the way down the terminal. Lindsey complained that I was crushing her hand. What was I going to do? What was I going to say?

And then I had no more time to panic.

As we stepped off the escalator and into baggage claim, I felt Lindsey drop my hand, "Sara!" She ran forward and I looked up.

There she was; tight low-slung jeans, black tank top, short sleeve linen blouse, hair back with the shorter chin-length strands tucked behind her ears. She was squatting low to pull my little girl into her arms. My heart thudded and my temperature rose about five degrees. This was it.

"Munchkin!" Sara easily lifted Lindsey up onto her hip.

"I missed you, Sara." Linds hugged Sara's neck. My heart thudded, and a little note in my head rung out, saying that this was exactly the way things were supposed to be.

"I missed you too, sweetie." Sara kissed the end of Lindsey's nose, making her giggle, and let her slide down to the ground.

And that's when she looked up and around at me. Her eyes were the same deep, liquid brown, and her soft and tentative smile was the same one I had left behind. Nothing had changed. Maybe the only doubts in her mind were the same ones that were running through mine.

I gave her my bravest smile and she instantly relaxed. She held her arms out wide to me, grinning, "Molly was forced to drop the suit!" She beamed, "The judge came back today and said that there was no room for argument in the instructions of the will; there isn't even a case to make. The girls are staying with me."

I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked into her arms and she squeezed me tightly. We hadn't really been worried, but it was good to know we were in the clear. I rested my chin on her shoulder until she stepped back and looked down at me once more. The expression in her eyes made my heart pound.

"Hey, you." That was all I could say. I did manage to hold out my hand, which she took.

"Hey."

Both of our voices were hoarse and charged. We had involuntarily stepped in closer to each other. She was real; she was here. I was touching her and it was unbelievable how much I'd missed being able to do that. I couldn't look away from her. Or, at least I couldn't until I heard giggling at my side. Sara and I both looked down at my beaming daughter.

"What's so funny?" Sara asked, squeezing my hand.

Lindsey giggled and swayed back and forth. "You can kiss her, you know, if you want…" She laughed again.

"What?" Sara looked flustered and I was probably matching her as far as the color of our cheeks.

"She forced it out of me, I swear," I said by way of explanation. I smiled my apology.

Lindsey rolled her eyes, "You guys were looking at each other like they do in the movies right before they kiss; it was kind obvious."

Sara blushed at me and I pulled at her shirt hem. Lindsey walked behind me and pushed me into Sara's arms. I laughed at being pushed, but it felt amazing to have her hands on me again. This close to her, I could count her eyelashes as she intently studied my face.

"Will you just do it already? I'm hungry. We didn't even get peanuts on the plane."

Sara questioned me with a tilt of her head and slightly upturned lips.

I shrugged and smiled. _My sneaky daughter._ "Well, we have permission…"

Sara nodded and pressed her lips to mine. After two weeks away, those lips, cliché I know, felt like the first time. We moved closer, shutting our eyes and tilting our heads to the sides. Sweet surrender! Love, love, love, love, love!

Wanting to keep it PG in front of Lindsey, I pulled back and rested my forehead on Sara's; my eyes closed.

"I missed you." Those words seemed so inadequate. I wanted to say something poetic- something to move mountains. But either I couldn't think of anything or I'm just not a poetry kind of person.

Sara could only nod.

Lindsey coughed, "Now you guys are just embarrassing yourselves. Can we please get the bags and go? I didn't know you guys were gonna go all gross and mushy on me."

We both laughed and broke apart, instinctively each taking one of my daughter's hands as Sara shouldered Lindsey's Powerpuff Girls backpack.

"So, how did you do on your last spelling test, kiddo?" Sara asked, swinging her arm.

Lindsey's stories of school kept us busy through getting the suitcases and leaving the airport. In the car on the highway, Lindsey asked why Ayla and Maggie didn't come to pick us up at the airport. Sara explained that Ayla still had another day of school left and Maggie was with her grandmother.

"I also wanted to talk to you, Linds." Sara spoke, looking in the rearview mirror, "Mom told you that their Dads died and that they're coming to live with me, right?"

Both Lindsey and I nodded.

"Well, do you remember how sad you were when your Daddy died?"

Lindsey nodded again.

"Well, that's how sad Ayla is right now. Maggie is still too little to understand, but Ayla is like you were."

"She must be really hungry." Linds didn't eat anything concrete for about a week after Eddie died.

Sara smiled, "No, Linds, I mean she's shy. And she's a lot shyer than you. So you have to be really careful, okay? She's not even eight yet, so she's a lot younger than you, too. And you're so full of energy, you just need to be extra nice, okay?"

Lindsey nodded her understanding, "Don't worry. I'll be good."

"Okay, then, what do you say we stop and get some milkshakes and lunch? By the time we're done, the girls will be home."

"Yes! Definitely!"

So much for not feeding Lindsey sugar.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Well? WELL!? Apparently I'm a big meany if I lord posts over you, but I have to do something to get you lazy bums to review. And threat, bribe, or challenge ideas you have, please let me know. **

**Maybe incentives are the way to go. Okay. I have the next two chapters written. If I get more than twenty-five reviews, I will post the next chapter in less than three days. Ready. Set. GO!**


	19. Introductions and Renewals

**A/N: Hooray! I knew you could do it. Thirty-one reviews! You are all fantastic! So, just like I promised, definitely less that three days, right? Here you go!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I think both Sara and I were nervous about Lindsey meeting the girls. What would happen if they didn't get along? When we arrived at the Winger's house, Sara stepped ahead of me into the den. Lindsey hung back and sipped her milkshake suddenly shy of meeting the girls she hadn't stopped talking about since she was aware of their existence. I could hear the TV coming from the den.

"Hey, guys," I heard Sara say, "I brought you a surprise."

I tousled my daughter's hair, which she scowled at, and then peaked around the door.

"It's Cafrin!" Maggie launched off the sofa and catapulted into my legs, barely touching the ground once. I grinned; I couldn't believe how much I'd missed her.

"It's Maggie!" I lifted her high into the air, tickling her. She giggled at me as we rubbed noses. _Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the cutest little girl of all time._

"You're back! Ayla said you won't come back. I said you will." She grinned triumphantly at me, "I win!"

She blew a raspberry over her shoulder and I turned slightly to see her big sister standing beside Sara with the most adorable hopeful look on her face. I set Maggie down and strode over to Ayla. Kneeling in front of her, I took both of her hands.

"You thought I wouldn't come back? I told you I would."

She shrugged, her eyes on her shoes. She looked like she might cry.

"Hey, honey, come here." I wrapped her in a hug and stood, lifting her off the ground. She clung to me like a monkey, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. Her dark head was buried in my chest and I felt her little body begin to heave with great silent sobs.

My heart ached. This poor girl. She had only just lost her parents, Sara and I are the first people she latches on to and only days after I gain her trust, I'm gone. Combine that with Sara's vanishing act four years ago, a grandmother dead last year, and her dads cruelly taken from her; no wonder she thought I wasn't coming back. I looked over Ayla's shoulder at Sara who gave me a reassuring smile, though her eyes were wet. So were mine. I could feel the damp spot in my top, and her tears were making me cry as well.

"Hey, shh," I held her tight to me and rocked her back and forth. "It's okay, I'm right here; we're okay." I kissed the top of her head.

After a minute, she pulled up, sniffling. She looked at me with wide little girl eyes. It's always been easy to forget Ayla isn't several years older than she is, but in that moment she looked all of and exactly her seven years.

"Hey." I smiled warmly as I set her down. "How are you sweet one?" I tucked a strand of her hair back with one hand as I wiped my face with the other one. "I really missed you, did you know that?"

"Really?"

I nodded. "Mhm. Aunty Mo sent me pictures of you at the park with Maggie and Sara and I had to look at your picture everyday- _twice_ a day, because I missed you so much."

She grinned at me until we were interrupted.

"Who are you? You're a big girl, huh? You're tall. What's that? Is that soda? Soda is bad for you. Can I have some of that soda, please?" I turned to see Maggie challenging Lindsey in the doorway.

Lindsey laughed. "I'm Lindsey. Catherine is my mommy. And yes, I am a big girl, I'm practically a teenager. But I'm not that tall; you're short, that's all- but you'll probably grow out of it. And this isn't soda, it's a strawberry milkshake, but you can have some if you want."

"'kay!" Maggie snatched the cup from my daughter and drank greedily from the straw.

I turned back to Ayla to see that she had withdrawn to the sofa. I sighed, "Why don't we all go out to the kitchen so Maggie doesn't drop that on the carpet?" I stood and took the very big drink from the very little girl.

Maggie immediately turned to Lindsey, her arms outspread. "Ride?!"

Lindsey grinned up at me and Sara. She handed her backpack to Sara, took Maggie's hand and brought her over to the sofa. As she hoisted Maggie onto the cushions, she smiled shyly at Ayla who took another step back and fell into a chair. Linds turned around and brought Maggie's arms around her neck.

"Now, on the count of three you jump up and I catch your legs, okay?"

"Piggy-back ride!"

"Right. Okay, ready?"

"Set…"

"Go!"

Maggie leapt atop my daughter who caught her with ease. "Pony!" Maggie giggled and her laugh was contagious, both Sara and I were smiling.

Sara held out one of her hands to Ayla who scampered to grab it, and she held the other out to me. I smiled at her and we navigated our way back through the house to the kitchen. Maggie gleefully took back the milkshake and climbed a stool to sit on the counter, her legs swinging. Ayla took up a place crouching behind Sara's legs, hugging her around the knees. Lindsey zeroed in on this behavior just as I did. She approached Ayla as if she were a frightened animal. Sara and I just watched as Lindsey took up the same position behind me as Ayla was in behind Sara.

"Hi," she said quietly.

Ayla only watched her.

"My name is Lindsey."

Ayla nodded.

"Did you know my Dad died this year, too?" she questioned.

Ayla nodded again, "Sara said."

Lindsey commiserated, "Its not fun, is it?"

Ayla sniffed, shook her head, and sat down.

Lindsey took this as her cue to move closer and she sat next to the smaller dark haired girl. "Do you get scared sometimes?" Lindsey asked.

Ayla's lip quivered and she nodded.

"Yeah, me too." Lindsey scooted closer to the little girl.

Sara and I looked at each other in amazement before turning back to the scene. No one had gotten Ayla to talk about how she felt about her dads' deaths, not really. Not even Sara. _My smart girl._

"But Sara will take care of you, she's really great. She doesn't know about everything, like brushing teeth and stuff."

"I know," Ayla nodded. "But she knows about bedtime stories."

Lindsey agreed, "I taught her that."

"That's good." Ayla smiled a small smile.

"You know, you can borrow my Mommy anytime you want. She's really good at all that stuff, too."

"Okay," Ayla said, as if borrowing parents was like trading cupcakes. "I like her."

"Yeah." Lindsey looked up at me and grinned, "She's cool. Sometimes." She turned back to Ayla, "So, do you like to draw?"

Ayla's eyes lit up and she nodded. "I drew the whole solar system for my astronomy professor."

"I have the special-colored markers." Lindsey stood up and held out her hand.

To the surprise of Sara and I, Ayla took it. "I have the ones with sparkles."

"Cool."

Maggie clambered off the counter, abandoning her milkshake. "I wanna color, too!"

Lindsey looked to me and Sara, taking her backpack off the side of the chair. "We're going to go outside and color, okay?" She held her other hand out to Maggie who swung on it like a vine.

All either of us could do was nod. Lindsey turned away and towards the back door, continuing to hold the little girls' hands, "So what do you like to draw…" Their voices faded as they walked out onto the porch.

I just stared after them, "Wow. That went well. _Really_ well."

"She is _so_ your daughter."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I challenged.

Sara wrapped her arms around my waist, trying to smooth my feathers. It was worked. "Lindsey is the most popular girl in her class, Catherine, and not because she's mean to people or thinks she's better than them. She is a natural born leader, just like you. Her self-confidence radiates. And she's wonderful with people, even people like Ayla and me."

During her whole speech, spoken into my hair, Sara had run her hands up and down my sides. By the time she had stopped, I was a puddle.

"Sara…" My voice had to be dripping with want.

She shook her head, "Three on the porch with the door open. Not to mention, two septuagenarians somewhere in the house."

I sighed and nodded, but made no move to step away.

"Not that I don't want to throw you on the counter and take you right here…"

This was whispered low in my ear, and desire coursed through me and propelled me further into Sara's arms. She hissed at the new contact. Wow. We hadn't even made love yet and we had already progressed to talking dirty? Not that I minded. Not at all. Quite the opposite, Holy Mother of-

"But you know we can't." Her words banked my urges somewhat.

I sighed, "And we really should wait, besides."

Stepping away, she looked at me, "Why?" She questioned.

Oops. Two weeks away and I had forgotten how easy it was to tip the scales on my girlfriend's low self-esteem. Okay, I had to say this right. "Sara," I breathed, "we've been together for barely three weeks. Now, normally by the time the three week marker comes along, I've fucked the guy on every available surface, but Sara-"

"You said you were bi, why definitely a guy?" Sara's face was guarded.

_Shit. Okay. Wrong thing to say!_ "Sara, I've had sex with women. I've probably hooked up with more women than men at this point. But I've only ever seriously dated men. I had a few casual things with women before I married Eddie, but…"

Sara began to back away, "So, what is this?"

I grabbed her wrists, pulled her back to me, and put her hands on my face, "No, Sara, listen to me. With men it was different, I felt safe."

"You don't feel safe with me?" Sara looked as if I'd burned her and pulled her arms out of my grasp.

_Shit_. "Ah! No! Sara, that's not what I meant at all. I feel so safe when I'm in your arms." I wrapped myself around her waist. _Oh, god_. She looked so crushed.

"Then…what did you mean?"

She didn't return my embrace. She wouldn't even look me in the eye. But she also was not pushing me away, either. A fact that was not lost on my very befuddled brain.

"I meant that my heart felt safe, baby. I meant that I stayed away from women in a dating context because I knew that I would fall so much easier- get hurt so much easier. But with men, that couldn't happen. When it was just men, or just sex, that never happened."

She seemed a little calmer, "So…" her voice was a whisper.

I responded in kind, "So, I want you, baby. I want you. And as much as I want to hold you, and taste you, and feel you inside me; I want more." I cupped her face in my hands, "Sar, I've never wanted all of the things I want with you with anybody else. Yes, I want your body, believe me I really, really do,"

She cracked a smile at my adamancy.

"But I want you in my life, too, Sara. Not just in my bed. More importantly, I want you in Lindsey's life. And that is something I have never wanted with any three week lover."

Sara looked at me like she was about to cry, but the corners of her mouth were turned up. "So, no over the counter?"

I grinned and pushed my hips playfully into her, crisis officially averted, "Oh, trust me, there will be plenty of over the counter, and under the counter- we are going to break the counter, Sara." I kissed her nose, "Just not yet."

Now she was all out grinning, "I can live with that."

"I just hope I can too." I laughed.

We went outside to find the girls playing with Marie's cat on the wooden deck. I saw the gleam in Lindsey's eye as she rubbed him under his chin.

"Mommy-"

"No."

"No, what?"

"No, you may not have a cat."

Lindsey frowned at me.

I gave her the stern, one raised eyebrow look.

"Fine." She looked sullen.

Sara looked at Ayla as she collapsed into a deck chair, "Honey, do you have any homework?"

The girl shook her head, "Tomorrow is the last day, Sara. We just play games."

"Yeah? That's exciting."

Ayla shook her head, "Not really. They make you play and I don't like the games. I'd rather read the book you gave me."

Sitting in a deck chair across from Sara's, I marveled at the ease with which the two brunettes conversed- so different from the strained attempts from before I left. I also couldn't get over the grown-up way Ayla spoke and how Sara would have been exactly like this when she was little.

"You like it?"

Ayla nodded.

"What book is it?" Lindsey asked.

"Indian in the Cupboard. It's really interesting." Ayla smiled a big, excited gap-toothed smile.

Lindsey spotted it. She bit her lip and wrinkled her brow, "You smile like Sara," she said, tapping her front teeth.

Sara's reaction was immediate; she hated her smile. Her lips snapped tight shut, her cheeks turned bright pink, and she looked to the ground. It made me angry that she was so under-confident about something I loved about her. I looked at Ayla. She clearly didn't think the same way Sara did; her eyes were bright, if anything her smile was bigger, and her cheeks were flushed with pride, not embarrassment.

"Angel kiss!" Maggie exclaimed, throwing her arms skyward.

"What?" I asked her.

Ayla grinned again. "It's my angel kiss." She explained, "Every time a baby is born, an angel gives them two kisses. Everyone gets one on the tummy and that's how they get their belly button."

Maggie giggled at this and lifted up her dress to point out her bellybutton.

"Ah. I see, and what about the other kiss?" I questioned, out of the corner of my eye I could see that Sara was listening, but she hadn't really looked up yet.

"Well, the other kiss is special. Magic. Your angel kisses you and you get a special present. Daddy said Maggie got an eye kiss because when she is happy her eyes twinkle and that makes other people happy." Ayla walked over to Sara and pushed her head up. Sara was still blushing hard, but Ayla didn't seem to notice, "Go like this," she ordered, baring her teeth.

Sara hesitated, but she did it. Ayla ran her finger along the gap in Sara's teeth and nodded.

She turned back to me, "Daddy said I got kissed on the lips so I got a split smile." She looked back to Sara, smiled, and pecked her on the lips, "Split smiles make you smile bigger and when you smile big, you make other people want to smile too." She kissed Sara again, "Daddy said he and Papa were lucky because if you know two people with the same angel then you get good luck. He said Sara and I have the same angel so we both get split smiles."

At this, Sara looked startled, but pleased. I knew that part a of her brain was going over the real reason they both had gap teeth. Some part of her genius mind was busy isolating the exact gene they shared.

"Besides," Ayla continued, "I can whistle through my teeth this way and I can't whistle the regular way." She demonstrated.

Maggie looked up from petting the cat, "Can you do that, Sara?"

Sara grinned that beautiful grin and produced the exact same sound.

"Cool!" Lindsey exclaimed.

Maggie laughed and so did Ayla; they both laughed Sara's laugh.

Sara heard the peal too and her eyes welled with emotion. She swept Ayla up into her lap and kissed her on the forehead. I had a feeling that she no longer hated her gap. They both looked at me and smiled and, just like Ayla had said, I couldn't help but smile back. Ayla laughed at this and turned to whisper something into Sara's ear.

Sara looked at me and nodded, "I think you might be right."

Ayla nodded. "Maggsies," she motioned with her hand, "Come here."

Maggie went over and Ayla whispered to her. After a moment, Maggie turned to me, frowning. She looked at Ayla, "Really?"

Ayla and Sara nodded.

Almost cautiously, Maggie approached me, her expression doubtful. She stepped in between my legs and put a hand on either side of my face, bringing me down to her. "Smile!" she commanded.

I obeyed, having no idea what was going on but thinking that she was adorable, and gave her my best smile.

Her big grey-blue-green eyes studied mine for a moment before she yelled, "Wow!" And jumped into my lap.

I caught her in a hug and smiled when she pulled back, "Goodness, what was that for?" I asked this of Sara.

She beamed at me, "We think you and Maggie have the same angel." She said.

The two brown haired girls nodded in agreement. Lindsey laughed out loud and moved to Sara's side. I pulled Maggie further into my lap and felt my eyes burn with tears. It was not lost on me how perfect this afternoon had turned out. It could have gone so many other worse ways.

I kissed the top of Maggie's head, "Thank you…"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

San Francisco with Sara and the girls was a blast. Many things had changed while I had been in Las Vegas. The girls were adjusting well, and I was amazed at elasticity of children. They were clearly still affected by their fathers' deaths, as was to be expected, but Maggie and Ayla were also smiling and having fun.

Lindsey helped with that a lot. She took on the responsibility of making the girls have fun as much as possible. When we went to the wharf, she taught them how to play the arcade games and when we went to the park she showed them how to do trick kicks with the soccer ball. Ayla, who had never really shown interest in any of the sorts of things that Lindsey liked to do, seemed to want to do them if only to appease my daughter. She liked having an older friend who paid attention to her and treated her like she was smart and worthy of attention.

Sara and I watched in awe as the girls bonded. Maggie was in love with Lindsey. Lindsey would give her piggy back rides on the beach and she taught her how to hold her breath under water in the pool. At the aquarium, Lindsey would hoist her up on the bars to look at the fishes. All three of them were inseparable from the minute they met. Lindsey wanted to help them the way Sara had helped her, she protected them and helped them to move on.

Sara and I took the time to get comfortable with each other, too. We had known each other for nearly four years, but in an entirely different capacity. Even our relationship since Eddie died, when we had not been fighting, was vastly different form the one we were trying to create.

We spent quiet hours together when the girls were asleep or out with their grandparents or Larry and Tim. Sometimes Sara would read me the latest forensic articles, which bored me to no end, for the most part, but I was perfectly content to rest my head in her lap and watch her eyes scour the pages.

Other times, we watched movies. I found out that Sara liked to make fun of the action/crime thriller films and how inaccurate they were. I have always liked doing this too, but my friends think it's really annoying. Nancy, especially, can't handle it. So, we would sit together and shout at the TV screen, things like, "Why are the feds here exactly? A stalker in LA isn't exactly cross-jurisdictional," or, "Oh, sure I'll just get right on that voice comparison- should be ready by the time you get back from the donut shop!"

My favorite nights were the ones when the girls and Sara and I cooked for Marie, Tony, Larry, and Tim. It was such fun. We danced and sang around the kitchen, with someone invariably getting covered in flour or tomato sauce, or molasses.

On the third day Lindsey and I were there, Sara and I sat down with the girls to talk about our relationship and see where we stood. They seemed to like me well enough, but we wanted to be completely honest with them. Not that I knew how to tell a four year I was dating her mom. I suddenly knew how all of my past boyfriends felt; awkward. Lindsey and Ayla were working in the new sketchbooks we bought them, and Maggie was busy with her Disney princess coloring book. They were in the den watching Monsters Inc.

Sara and I sat on the floor next to them and broached the subject of us dating. The reaction was slightly unexpected. And fairly amusing.

"Yeah, we know."

Sara frowned and I raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

Ayla shrugged. "Sure. Everybody does. It's kind of obvious. Uncle Tim calls you guys Princess Dyke and Femme Charming."

Lindsey gasped. In her world, you did not use the D-word.

Sara and I stared at each other, bug-eyed. "He what?"

Ayla never looked up from her drawing. "Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense to me."

"No?"

"Well, you guys are too old to be like a prince and princess, and you're both girls so it should be two princesses." She cocked her head to one side, "Though, Daddy always calls Papa his Queen in Shining Armor, so maybe that part is okay."

I smirked and saw Sara fighting a smile. "So does that mean you're okay with my dating Sara?"

"Yes!" Maggie said adamantly as she bounded into my lap. She made kissing faces and noises up at me and then laughed.

Ayla smiled and scrunched her nose, "Yeah. I mean, it's not like I could do anything about it. I'm only seven. But I don't think it will be psychologically damaging if that's what you're worried about. Me and Maggie like you and this way you'll be around more to help Sara with stuff." She nodded sympathetically, "It can be very difficult to raise two children on your own, especially in situations like this; no one could reasonably expect her to do it by herself." She stood up. "I gotta pee."

I pursed my lips to hide a smile and turned a raised eyebrow at Sara. She was shaking her head and looking skyward. When she looked back at me she rolled her eyes. Standing, she tugged me to my feet and pulled me out to the deck where we quickly took up our favorite position of her leaning back on a deck chair with me sitting across her lap, an arm around her shoulders.

"I caught her reading one of Molly's parenting books last week. Now she's just a little wellspring of information. The other night? She told me that even though she thought she could read her book on her own, bedtime story-reading was _'an ideal parent-child bonding activity'_."

I grinned. "Remind you of someone?"

Sara looked at me, nonplussed. "Who?"

"Sara…" I gave her an exasperated look. "When I told you to 'flip through' that manual on horse-racing for that case we pulled at the track three months ago, you read the whole thing cover to cover in six hours and proceeded to berate me with it until after we finally caught the guy three weeks later."

"Do you _know_ what they do to those poor animals? It's inhuman. Did you know that-" I clapped my hand over her mouth.

"You've probably already told me about it. Twice. And if I've forgotten it's because I don't want to remember; you have a rather graphic gift of description." I kissed my fingers where they rested over her lips. "All I meant was that that little girl is so much like you." Her eyes widened, but I continued, "How did she even get a hold of one of Molly's books, hmm?" I took my hand from her mouth.

She flushed, "Umm, well, I…"

"You were reading it, right? And you left it out where little hands with a high school reading level might find it." I tapped my temple. "She's got your mind, Sara. Not sorta-kinda, but without a doubt."

Sara knitted her brow in concentration. Her eyes were stormy all of a sudden.

"What is it?" I brushed a fingertip over her jaw. This was one of the few G-rated positions in which I would ever be able to look down on her.

"It's just…that doesn't make any sense. Genetics don't determine thought process. Even if her brain structure and capacity mirror mine- which is genetically improbable, her life experiences should have altered her perceptions of the things around her. I left four years ago and I've barely seen her since. We _shouldn't_ think the same."

_Oh, my precious little science geek. _I kissed her lightly. "Unless she's copying you on purpose."

Sara frowned and shook her head. "Why would she do that? Is she even capable of consciously doing that?"

"I don't know if it's possible but I can tell you why."

She waited, curious.

"Hon, Ayla is totally in love with everything that you do."

"What?" Sara looked frightened.

"She looks up to you, worships you, she thinks you hung the whole damn universe. And I'm guessing she always has. She wants to be like you, so, whether she does it on purpose or not, she mimics what you do. I think it's adorable."

"Why? Why would she do that?" Sara's breathing quickened.

I got a little worried. Placing one had on her chest and the other on her neck, I tilted her head so she would look at me. "Honey? Sara? What's wrong?"

She shook her head frantically.

"Okay, sweetie, calm down; calm down." I pulled her head to my chest and kissed her brow. Her arms came up around my middle and she snuggled tighter. "Shh, alright, you're safe now." I don't know why I said that. We were in a backyard in suburban California, the sky was blue, the sun was shining; of course she was safe. But it had seemed like the right thing to say at the time.

After a few minutes, she calmed. "Sorry," she mumbled against my chest. She moved her head to speak against my neck and I fought shivers. "It's just…sometimes this whole thing seems like too much. It's just a lot. I still miss them, you know. I miss them so much." She was crying now, heaving against my shoulder.

I just held her. "I know you do."

"And I can't stop or even slow down the way I want to, because she's there and Maggie's there and they don't need that. And I don't know how to give them everything and I just feel like I'm never going to." She shuddered. "And I'm scared, I'm so panicked all of the time." She sat up and her face was cute and blotchy. "Like at the market the other day? Maggie ate one of the free samples. It was a fruit salad. And never mind how many people probably breathed and spit on it, Maggie is allergic to strawberries, and I didn't know if there were any in the salad so I had to watch her all day in case she had a reaction. I was a nervous wreck. And it's like that all the time now. Because if they step out into the street without looking or if they cut themselves with the scissors, it's my fault; I should have been there."

I stroked her hair back, "Well, I've got some bad news for you, love. That feeling of fear and dread and constant panic? That is now your perpetual state of life for all eternity. It's called being a mom."

I saw her mouth the word 'mom' under her breath. She shook whatever she was thinking away with a jerk of her head. "Does it get better?"

I shook my head, "No, it pretty much gets worse. Because when there this age, believe it or not, this is the most control you'll ever have of them. When they're not with you, their at school or with a relative or trusted friend. Sure, as they get older they can take better care of themselves, they know more. But the list of things they need to know that you don't want to, but have to, be the one to tell them stretches from here to the moon."

"So…what do I do?"

I smiled slightly, "You take the good times as they come, I guess. And try to find a happy medium between the 'cool mom' and wrapping your kid in foam padding- very unfashionable right now."

This made her smile a bit. "That's it?"

"It's all I got."

She wrapped her arms around my waist again and leaned in to kiss me. When I didn't move in as well, she opened her eyes to see uncertain expression, "What's wrong?"

I hesitated.

The thing was, that no matter what Sara said, there was more to this story than she was letting me believe. She'd have to be stupid to think that I, a trained investigator, wouldn't notice her little diversion tactic. She was going to say something along the vein of parenting and then she suddenly changed to talking about Matt and Warren until she had a better grip on herself. And on the one hand, I wanted to call her on it. On the other, I had the feeling that whatever this was, and I had my suspicions, it was also the painful thing she had avoided telling me that night on the beach. Not something to get into right now, and not something to push her on. But also not something I could just let lie. I decided on a compromise.

I touched her cheek lovingly, "Someday, you're going to have to tell me why you're so afraid to be a mother to your daughters- the real reason." She shrunk in the chair and failed my gaze. "The reason why you could get away with skipping school when you were eight years old. Why Charlotte says that you were never happy until you came here. Why everyone I've met has threatened me painful death if I hurt you. Someday, Sara, you have to tell me." She started to protest but I stopped her. "Not today. Not today, Sara. In fact, I don't even want to know until you're ready to tell me. I know you trust me and that this is just something you need to come to terms with on your own. I just wanted to let you know that I know there's something, and that no matter what it is, I will still be here long after you decide to tell me. Okay?"

Wordlessly, looking off into the distance, she nodded.

"Good." I kissed her lips firmly. "So," I smiled, "which one of us do you think is Femme Charming?"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Later that day, when we were alone at Larry and Tim's, Lindsey and I had a little talk that tested my parenting skills and made me realize even more that my daughter was less of a little girl every day and more of a young woman.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Why didn't Ayla get in trouble when she said…that word, today? You said it's a really bad thing to call somebody."

"Well…" I sat down and dipped my feet in the pool alongside hers. _Should have seen this one coming. Let's see, how to explain this one. _"It can be. It all depends on how you use it- your intentions when you say it." I ran my fingers through her long blonde hair.

"So as long as I mean to be nice, I can say it?"

_Hmm…_ You never realize the complexities of life until you have to explain them to children. "Not exactly, Linds. It's like…you know how Sara calls you 'Shorty' and 'Shortstuff' sometimes?"

"Yeah, it's like a nickname."

"But if anybody else called you that, even me, you'd get annoyed, right?"

She shrugged, "Sara's just kidding, I know she's only joking. When other people say it's different- like they think I'm a little kid or something."

I smiled. "Exactly. You _know_ that she's kidding. See, that word started out as a really negative way to say 'lesbian', and people only use it positively when they are sure that the person they're talking to will know that they're joking. It's probably a good idea for you to not say it until you're a little older, if you use it wrong you can really hurt people's feelings."

"So, why didn't Ayla get in trouble?"

"Well, Ayla is still pretty little and she was just repeating what Tim said. And the way he used it was okay. Also, I think that because Ayla grew up with two dads and they had lots of gay friends, I think she's probably used to hearing 'dyke' said in a positive way. She probably doesn't know not to say it sometimes, or else she thought it was okay because Sara and I are together."

"Oh." My daughter knitted her brow. "Mommy?"

"Yes, babydoll?"

"Are you a lesbian now that you're Sara's girlfriend?"

_Sara's girlfriend. That's me. _Honestly, Sara being a woman was such an un-problem compared to everything else that we had to face, I hadn't given it much thought. "Would that bother you?"

She shrugged again. "I guess not. I was just wondering."

I sighed. "Well, it's complicated, but the closest answer is 'sort of'."

"Sort of?"

"Sort of. See, the answer is 'no' because my orientation hasn't changed; I still think men are handsome and women are beautiful. But the answer is also 'yes' because now that I'm with Sara, I don't want to be with anybody else. Man or woman."

"And Sara's a girl which makes you a lesbian, and half yes and half no means sort of."

"You're a smart cookie."

"This is going to be so cool."

"Why?"

"Because I am going to have two moms."

"And besides that Sara and I are like the coolest people ever, that's cool why?"

Lindsey smiled up at me with a sneaky glint in her eye. "Ms. Helms, my gym teacher, and Señora Battista, my Spanish teacher, are both lesbians. And they give Olivia Torres better grades because she has two moms. I don't see why I shouldn't get the same." _Oh, boy._

The week flew by and soon it was time to go. We had spent four days cleaning out Matt and Warren's house. Sara had decided to sell it so we had to get all of the personal effects out and in boxes, put the excess furniture in storage, and clean the whole house top to bottom. We had a lot of help. It seemed that all of Matt and Warren's and all of Sara's friends came out of the woodwork. Employees of Warren's coffee shops, classmates, professors, the guy who cleaned their rain gutters; just about anyone, including many people Sara had never met, donated their time and services to getting the job done.

When the ten days were up, I once again found myself on Larry and Tim's deck watching the setting sun. This time I was saying goodbye to the ocean for an indefinite amount of time. I was going to miss it and everything I'd come to associate with it. I wanted to stay here. Until now, I'd always thought myself as a cowgirl or a city girl. But being here everyday, I'd come to realize that I was simply a misplaced beach girl. We had driven a few hours south one day, where the water is warmer, and I had had my family day at the beach. There was such a serenity to the ocean that I had never felt before.

Sara felt it. Beside me, her hands on the railing, she was watching the fire-orange sphere of the sun dip below the horizon. In the afterglow of pinks and purples, grays and greens, she looked magnificent. Her thick-collared, black wool sweater swallowed up the waning light and her dark hair whipped around her face as the wind rose up. As I watched her pensive profile, I was caught up in a torrent of emotion.

The biggest part of me was just amazed that we were together, that we had gotten this far and that she wanted to be with me. But other things were seeping into my thoughts as well. Things were about to change. It was hard to believe it, but this crazy, dramatic, soap-operatic month had been the easy part. Going home, living life as normal; that was where things were going to get tricky. We had said we would figure out a plan when we got home, but I was starting to think that maybe we should have thought of something before this. I was back at work tomorrow and Sara, the week after. Our lives began again the moment we stepped off that plane.

I sighed which caused Sara to turn her head away from the darkening sky and watch me instead. There wasn't much we could do about it now. We would just have to figure it out as we went along. I slid my hand along the railing and wrapped it around Sara's. "Ready to go?"

She blinked, hesitated, drew a deep breath, and then finally, she nodded. I smiled encouragingly.

We could do this.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Well? I came through so you've got to review. Hehe. I rhymed. **

**So, I thought I was done with two chapters but it's actually just the one. It might be a week or so. But remember, reviews inspire the creative mind! **


	20. The First Test

15/01/2008 13:41:00

**A/N: Okay, so about this chapter…well actually I'll just tell you at the end (don't want to give too much away). Suffice to say I hope you like it and don't blame me too much for lack of originality.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Stop being such a showoff." I could hear Lindsey in the kitchen, but I was facing the stove.

"I'm not." Ayla's voice sounded confused.

"You are so!" Lindsey hadn't eaten since lunch and was getting irritable.

"No!" Ayla protested. "I'm just telling Catherine about the college book Sara gave me. It's her astronomy book from Harvard."

"You're being a showoff," Lindsey insisted.

"Sorry." I could hear Ayla's distress at having upset her 'big sister'. "I can put it away if you want," the younger girl said, dejected._ Oh, that's the saddest voice I've ever heard._

I turned away from dinner. "No, Ayla honey, you don't have to put it away. Why don't you go read in the living room with Maggie and I'll look at it with you when dinner's done, okay?" I looked at my daughter, "Lindsey Willows, why are you yelling at her like that? She wasn't trying to showoff or be mean and you know it."

"Sara doesn't give me college books and I'm three years older!"

"Linds, she doesn't expect Ayla to read the whole thing, she was just trying to make her feel special. Being three years older, I'd expect you to act a bit more grown-up."

"She does too expect her to read it! She thinks she's smarter than me, but she's not. I know lots of stuff that she doesn't know!"

"God damn it, Lindsey, she does not! Sara loves you both and you're both very smart. But you are older and you do have to act more mature. That little girl loves you and looks up to you and you were this close to making her cry over something she did not do! Now, either go apologize or go wait in your room until I call you for dinner."

Lindsey started crying but her cheeks were red with fury. She stamped her foot. "Don't bother, I'm not hungry!" A second later I heard angry footsteps on the stairs above.

As I turned back to my chicken to find it blackened and practically inedible, I heard Maggie start to wail in the other room. "Shit." Of late, this had become my life.

Sara and I had been back in Las Vegas for nearly six weeks, and things were not going well. The girls were acting out, not receiving the attention they desperately needed because Sara and I had to work at night and sleep for most of the day. It had always been difficult to keep Lindsey entertained in the summers, but now, with three of them, it was damned near impossible. We had worked out a system where I would take them in the mornings so that Sara could rest and she would take them in the afternoon so that I could close my eyes.

Neither of us was managing more than four or five hours of sleep a day, and with three kids and a full time job, that pace is unsustainable. Maggie was throwing tantrums that came out of nowhere, Ayla was reverting back to the behavior she had exhibited right after her parents had died, and Lindsey was starting to realize that two little sisters might have been more than she'd bargained for.

And the stress was making things tense between Sara and I. For a change in pace, the only place we didn't fight was at work. We just didn't have the energy. Instead we worked in perfect tandem, finding time to comfort and console each other in the locker room or my office. But outside the lab, we were constantly snapping at each other. The bliss we had experienced in San Francisco seemed a fast fading memory.

We were tired, we were cranky, and things weren't progressing in our relationship, emotionally or physically. With the way things were, we didn't even have time for anything more than kissing, even if we had been in the mood. We were, for all intents and purposes, a family of five, except that half of our family lived on one side of town, and half lived on the other. And the kids spent nights with a sitter. Not to mention the parents had never made it past second base and had no idea when each other's birthdays were or what their favorite food was.

I began to think that maybe we had rushed into this relationship a little too fast. I was in love with Sara, but things were not working. There were just so many problems. The girls were not okay, our relationship was not okay, and our financial situation until Warren and Matt's estate had been settled, was tight. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe a relationship on top of everything else was just too much. As much as I wanted to be with Sara, maybe it was all we could do to take care of the girls right now. Maybe we, Sara and I, were just going to have to wait.

I explained all of this to Warrick one night during shift. He had been my only outlet since Sara and I hadn't revealed our relationship to anyone else at work yet. He had been a great help and a great person to vent to.

"I don't even know what to do, Rick. We don't even have time to fight- I'm starting to think that we aren't even dating, just making out and sharing kids."

"So you skipped the honeymoon and went straight to being married."

I gave him a tired, sardonic look, "Cute."

"Come on, Cath, it's a little funny. You've been dating for two and half months, you don't have sex and you car pool more often than you have five minutes alone together."

"Yes, I see your point," I said dryly, "Hilarious."

Warrick moved to massage my shoulders, "Look, what you guys need is some time alone. To talk, to have sex, to plan out your lives, whatever. Just a little time alone."

"Tcha! Well, you got a genie in a bottle somewhere? Because otherwise, our next second alone together is going to be in fifteen years when Maggie graduates from high school."

He mimed checking his pockets. "I don't have a genie in a bottle, but I could take the girls out to Lake Mead on Friday. I'll have had the night off so I'll be rested. Take 'em fishing or something."

I looked at my friend, "Seriously? You would do that?"

"Hell yeah, Cath, lord knows you've saved my butt enough times. It's the least I can do. I really think things could work out between you and Sara, but you guys need to talk."

I threw my arms around Warrick's neck, "Oh my God, I love you!"

"I thought you loved me." Sara smiled tiredly from the doorway.

I grinned excitedly back. "Warrick just volunteered to take the girls all day Friday."

"Oh my God, I love you!" Sara ran up and copied my actions so that we were both swinging on his neck like monkeys.

Warrick responded by putting an arm around each of our waists, "I wish the guys could see me with such sexy ladies all over me." He grinned.

We heard a knock on the open door, and a cough. "We see you, man." Nick, Greg, and Grissom were crowded into the doorway of my office.

"Yes, we see you…" Grissom raised an eyebrow, "What are you doing?"

I laughed, "Just a little inter-office bonding, Gil." I stepped away from Warrick. "Okay, guys, party's over- everybody out." I ushered everyone out before saying, "Actually, Sara, could I talk to you for a second? About that B&E from last week?"

"Sure thing." Sara lingered behind and I caught her wrist as I shut the door.

The air in the office was immediately heavy. My skin flushed and I could feel Sara's pulse quicken beneath my fingers. Even the prospect of more than five minutes alone was revving us up. I leaned into her.

"So tell me, sweet lover," Sara joked, pulling me closer, "How'd you convince our new best friend to take the munchkins? Blackmail? Do you have some grit on him that I don't know about?"

I grinned into Sara's lips, "No…I simply told him that it had been a while since you and I had had any quality time. After that, he just offered up." I shrugged.

"Hmm…well, I have to say, I'm looking forward to our quality time." She lightly brushed her lips over mine.

Electricity flooded my body, and I pushed her against the wall, biting her lower lip. "Me too, babe. I can't wait."

Five minutes later, Sara and I released each other. We were breathing heavily and my top two buttons were undone. But we knew this was not the place.

"God." Sara breathed.

"Yeah."

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too, sweetheart," I touched her face.

"But…"

I smiled at her intuition, "But I think we're going to need to use at least part of our 'day off' to talk. About what's been going on with us and with the girls. We need to come up with a better plan than the one we have."

Sara nodded her understanding, "I agree. Things have been…tense since we got back to Vegas. You're right, we should talk."

"I love you." I whispered, thinking that maybe we both needed to hear it.

I had told Sara I loved her for the first time the night we got home from California. I had desperately wanted tell her for ages, but the timing had never seemed right. That night, when we'd tucked all of the girls to sleep in my bed, and we'd cuddled up on the couch, it had just seemed like the perfect opportunity. Of course, then she didn't say anything for a solid hour and I was thrown into a panic. But then she had seen how petrified I was. She'd stroked my hair and kissed me, and then she'd told me that she loved me too. Now, I said it whenever I could, just so she would say it back.

She smiled and visibly relaxed, "I love you, too. We'll work this out, right?"

I nodded and kissed her lightly, "Okay then, now scoot. I've got three reports to write and I heard that you have dumpster duty at the Tangiers."

My girl groaned.

"Would you rather trade?"

At the thought of paperwork, Sara blanched, "No way. Dumpsters. Fun. Here I come."

I made kissing sounds at her and she winked at me, "Catch ya later."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Warrick came over for breakfast Friday morning, the day of 'the big talk', and left with three happy girls in tow. Sara and I cleared the table quietly and went about our now well-practiced cleanup routine. Sara scraped food into the garbage while I rinsed the dishes. Then I put away the milk, the bread, the cereal and Sara wiped down the table and counters. We were quiet, but that wasn't unusual, we didn't really need to talk. Sara, who finished before me, made-up two mugs of coffee and went into the living room. When I came in, drying my hands on my jeans, I caught her trying to organize the toys that were strewn about the floor.

I smiled. "You might as well give up," I said, taking a seat on the couch, "it'll return to chaos as soon as they get back."

She shook her head, "I am determined. Someday they will all realize the benefits of keeping things neat."

"Hmm. I'll just let you dream, shall I?" I winked as she stood up, and patted the sofa beside me.

She leaned back and eyed me carefully, "So?"

I sighed. "So…" We had a lot to cover here and it was all sensitive stuff, but where to start? "So, I love you."

That seemed to catch her off guard, her eyes were worried. "I…love you, too?"

I put a hand on her knee, squeezing lightly, "But the way things are right now…this isn't working. We can only survive like this for so long."

Sara nodded, mutely. She had gone quite pale and I suddenly realized how that must have sounded to her.

"No, baby, I didn't mean it like that. This is not a break-up speech, no, no, no. I'm not saying let's break-up, I'm saying let's brainstorm."

She looked at me, the uncertainty evident in her gaze, "Brainstorm?"

"Uh-huh, yeah. We need to work together here and figure out better ways of doing what we're doing, shortcuts we can take, ways to minimize stress."

She still looked unsure. "You mean, fix this?"

"Before it gets worse." I nodded, scooting closer to her. "Baby, we knew this was going to be hard when we signed up, and I don't regret any part of it." I shook my head, "But we can't keep going like we're going, we just can't. We'll burn out. Neither of us sleeps, we don't eat well, we never get time for each other. I used to look forward to work and now it feels like a prison. And to top it all off, the time we are spending with the girls never feels like quality time. I feel like the mean mom all the time and I hate feeling like that. So, yeah," I rested my head on her shoulder, "let's fix this thing."

Sara was quiet for a long minute as she stroked my hair. Then she kissed my forehead, "I love you."

I leaned up and kissed her chin, "It's my brilliant mind and classic good looks, isn't it?"

She smiled and shook her head, "It's your persevering nature and your obstinate will. I did think for a moment that you were going to end this." She shrugged, "My own insecurities, I guess. This is always the part in my relationships where one of us decides it's too hard and bails. But I should have trusted you to want to stick it out."

I sat up and kissed her firmly, "I'm in this, Sara. This is just a tiny hiccup. There will be bigger ones." I kissed her again. "But I'm in this for as long as you want me."

She grinned and kissed me soundly. "I'll want you," she whispered against my lips, and I felt shivers runs up and down my spine. "I think it's safe to say I'll want you for a very long time." Her tongue came to trace between my lips, and it was a good five minutes before I let her up from the back of the couch. "So?" she smiled impishly.

"So…" I grinned smugly in return.

So, Sara and I talked. We talked for a very long time. It probably took us longer than it should have because it wasn't the way either of us usually handled situations like this. Usually when we had a problem, we argued, fought, stopped talking for a month and then argued some more. We couldn't afford to do that this time around. At forty years old, I was learning to handle my problems like an adult.

We decided that there were four major issues with what was going on. The most important was that the girls were not getting enough of our attention and they were unhappy. Things would be easier when they went back to school, but we still had another month before that happened.

Sara suggested that maybe this would be easier on them if they weren't moving around so much. The short and short of it was that things would be a hell of a lot easier if all three girls were under one roof. Herein lay a problem.

"You know…" I hesitated to ask, "we could save a whole lot more time if the girls all slept in the same house. They sleep here often enough as it is."

Sara frowned, "Then they would practically live here."

"Yeah…"

Her eyes narrowed, "Are you asking me to move in with you?"

"I don't know."

She quirked an eyebrow and I sighed.

"I mean, yes, I'm asking you, but I'm not asking you right now. Does that make sense?"

"You're saying that you want us to live together someday."

"Someday soon."

"But not right now?"

"It's rushing things a bit, don't you think?"

"Yes. On the other hand, if you're planning on reissuing the offer at some point in the next six months, there's no better time to move than summer vacation."

"Right. Does that mean you'd say yes if I asked you?"

"I think I would."

"Hmm."

It was something to ponder. In the meantime, we still needed a better schedule for the girls. For the moment, instead of moving in together, we decided to keep the girls at my house for part of the week and at Sara's the other part, thereby cutting out the avoidable hour of carpooling everyday. I knew that we also needed to be spending more time with them than we were. When school started, this would be easier, since we could sleep while they were away. Essentially, what we needed were slightly different hours. This meant talking to Gil.

Therein lay our second problem. Work was wreaking havoc with our lives. Sneaking around at work was causing us unnecessary stress that was preventing us from doing our jobs effectively which in turn made us have to put in more hours that took us away from our kids. We finally agreed that we needed to come clean at work. Neither of us was thrilled with the idea and Sara seemed downright scared at the prospect, but it was going to have to happen at some point anyway and right now we needed to cut down on the number of balls we were juggling. So, we would tell everyone and we would talk to Gil about adjusting our hours.

We also agreed that coming out to my family was probably in order. I hadn't been communicating much with them since we got back from California, which was entirely my choice. I felt that it was easier not to deal with them at all than to deal with whatever their reactions were to Sara and the girls. Only now it seemed to be creating more problems than it solved. Sneaking around my mother and my sister was yet another stress point, so that needed to be dealt with.

Our final problem was our relationship together. We were functioning as a couple but in reality, what Sara and I knew of each other was only the information gathered in six months of tentative friendship and a month of whirlwind romance. I knew Sara because I knew what it was to love her. At the same time though, we had jumped straight off the deep end with this relationship in some ways and we were holding back in others.

There was only one solution to this and it came in two parts. The first was emotional and the second; physical. We shared anecdotes and stories, both funny and sad. Sara told me a little about her childhood, about her father and his quick temper. I wasn't entirely unsurprised. She usually avoided talking about her childhood at any cost- even if it involved leaving the room. I knew it had to be something along those lines. It pained me to watch the bad memories play across her face, but then she had talked about Warren and Matthew and the time they had talked her into going into one of those dunking booths at a carnival. The way she laughed at that made me realize that she had happy memories, too. It also made me realize that I wanted to spend a lot more time giving her more memories that would put that smile on her face.

For my part, I told her about my cocaine addiction and my near resort to prostitution to feed it. She held me close as I thought about how close my life had come to completely falling apart. And then I told her about what Lindsey was like as a baby. I showed her pictures of me pregnant and of Lindsey as a toddler with sticky-out blonde hair; her face covered in baby food.

When I showed her a photo of the two of us at Chucky Cheese with Eddie on Lindsey's fifth birthday and felt her stiffen, I knew what was coming next. I twisted in her arms to clamp a hand over her mouth before any words escaped.

I shook my head, "Sara, we have a lot of things we're going to need to talk about, but me and Eddie, Eddie's murder- the case. Those are not things we ever need to go over again." I gestured at the photo, "The day before this was taken? I had a pregnancy scare. I was going to tell Eddie, but I walked in on him sticking it to some girl in his office. Things had been falling apart for years. The only thing we're smiling for in this photo is the camera." I kissed Sara's temple, "You are so much better for me than he ever was, baby. You make me smile and laugh which Eddie couldn't do unless we were high. You make me feel safe which he sure as hell never did. And you are so much better for Lindsey."

I smiled at her and ran my fingers through her hair, "I would never want to take away the good memories Lindsey has of her father, but I lost count of the number of times I had to shield her from the hurt he would have caused her. For years before he died, Eddie was just using Lindsey as a pawn to spite me as much as possible. He was there for her when it was convenient for him. I know that you would never do that, that you love Lindsey."

"But the case…" Sara started.

I silenced her again, "The case is long over, now. I know you feel guilty, babe, but you don't need to. I'm a CSI; I know that we can't solve every case. Sometimes there just isn't the evidence. That night, I was awful to you, and I am so sorry for that; you deserve better."

Sara shook her head, "You were distraught, you'd just lost your…" her voice faded. I could tell she what she was thinking. She didn't want to say 'husband' or 'loved one', but what else didn't sound insensitive?

I hugged her middle, "My daughter had just lost her father. I was distraught for her. And I had lost a part of my life that I thought was going to follow me around for the rest of it. It was a shock. I wasn't upset because I was going to miss Eddie; I was upset because…because even if it had been hard, my life had made sense before he died. And then suddenly it didn't."

Sara nodded numbly. I had learned to read her impassive expressions somewhat in the last few months. I knew when she clenched her jaw that she was fighting down the urge to ask me the unspoken question; _did my life make sense now?_ I smiled and brushed her cheek with the back of my hand. There was only one answer.

"You know what helped me get back on track, babe?"

Sara questioned me with a twist of her lips.

I stared into her big brown eyes, "You."

"Me? How?"

"The way you were with Lindsey. Remember, that day? When she came into the lab and you scooped her up in your arms?"

Sara nodded.

I kissed her lips softly, "You were amazing. Until then, I had been lost. I felt like I was floating with nothing to tie me down. All I could think about was that Lindsey was never going to recover from this. And then, without even trying, you got her to talk and to eat- to laugh and smile, again. All in one day."

Sara nodded and shrugged, her eyes glazed over, "I just treated her like she was normal. I knew what it was like to be her. Everyone stares at you and acts weird around you. No one knows how to treat you, even your friends and family- maybe especially them. And all you really need is for someone to tell you that it's okay and that life moves on."

I didn't know how to react to the confession that was hidden within such a weighted statement. I had a feeling that that this was the big secret that she carried around with her, but I didn't want to push her into talking about it if she wasn't ready. "Sara?" I asked, hesitantly.

Sara took a moment to reply. She changed our positions on the sofa, laying on her side against the back and pulling me to spoon in front of her. She wanted me to think that she was just getting more comfortable, but I knew the real reason. My Sara wasn't big on eye contact at the best of times; whatever she was about to say, she didn't want me to see her when she said it. Or maybe she didn't want to see my expression when she was through.

She inhaled deeply and I felt her ribs against my back, "Look, I really don't want to get into the whole thing now. If I'm being honest, I'd rather never tell you anything about this…ever. It's not something I talk about. But…" she kissed my ear and squeezed me tighter, "you're amazing and even if I don't want to tell you, I do want to be honest with you about everything. I've lied in relationships before and I don't want this one to end up like the others. But I don't think I can tell you everything all at once, okay?"

I squeezed the arm around my waist, "Take your time, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere." I think we both understood the double meaning. Sara had a well-known flight reflex. I wanted her to know that whatever she said, I would still be here when she was through.

"Okay. Uh…well, I told you my dad didn't have the best temper in the world. I know it's not an original story; man of the house works all day, kicks back a few, and then starts beating on the wife and kid. But that's the way it was in my house. And my mother…she couldn't take it. She was the most broken woman I ever saw. I remember her when I was really little and we used to go to the raspberry farms nearby and just fill our stomachs. But then…time passed and she just lost heart.

"When I was thirteen, my dad lost a lot of money in this pyramid scam. He was always trying those get rich quick schemes. He was out about a two hundred grand. I didn't actually know that when I was thirteen, I just thought Daddy was really mad; I found out when I read my mother's statement after I became CSI 2 and got access to closed case files."

"Statement?" I questioned.

Sara sighed, "One night, my dad came home really drunk. I don't know how he was even still moving. His speech was slurred, he complained of a headache. He sat down at the dinner table and said he was ready for dinner. It was after ten o'clock, but that didn't matter. We didn't eat until he got home, so I was still in the living room watching TV. I still don't know what my mother was thinking, saying 'no'. You never said 'no' to my father. But I heard them in the kitchen. My dad wanted her to make this casserole she used to make with peas and tuna fish. She told him that it took too long, that she'd make it tomorrow. He threatened her, you know, told her to make it or else."

Sara snorted bitterly, "But for some stupid reason, she stood her ground. I never did find out why. So he started slapping her around. I just tried to ignore it. It never did pay to get in Daddy's way and I knew I couldn't stop him, anyway. He was tall. I was about your height then and he was about a foot taller. He might have been thin but he was strong and I weighed about ninety pounds."

I shuddered. If she was five foot five and ninety pounds…physical abuse wasn't the only thing going on in her house. She would have been less than a size zero. I thought about how thin she was now. She must have been skeletal when her parents were starving her. I stroked her hand to tell her she could continue.

"I would have just kept watching TV. I had turned up the volume so I couldn't hear. But then my mother was screaming and the sound was awful. She yelled sometimes, or cried out, but she never screamed. And she never screamed my name. I went in and saw that he wasn't just beating her with his fists; he had thrown a pot of boiling water down her front.

"I stupidly ran over to help her." Sara laughed darkly, "That made him really mad. He grabbed me by the back of the neck, dragged me upstairs. I almost wasn't even afraid, you know? For a second I was actually proud of myself for getting him off my mom. I didn't even fight because that only made him angrier. He took me up to their room. And he was yelling about what did I know, I was a little girl. He started saying things he had never said before."

I could feel Sara start to shake, "I…uhh…I was used to the stuff he usually said. About me being stupid, about me talking back, about me not knowing my place. But then he started telling me stuff about me being not so little any more. Maybe if I was all grown up I might just want to go live somewhere else, support myself. He asked me if that's what I wanted. Well, I wasn't stupid enough to say 'yes' to that. So I told him no and he laughed at me, said that if I wanted stay under his roof then I was going to have to start paying _rent_."

The way Sara sneered the word 'rent' made a chill run through my veins, somehow I didn't think she meant giving up her allowance. I held her tighter, willing my own tears not to fall. I didn't want to hear this, but I knew I had to.

"He was scaring me- more than usual, you know. So I did start to struggle. He was talking to me like he always talked to Mom right before he took her into the bedroom and locked the door. I was thirteen. I knew what they did in there. So I fought. I fought hard and I did get away for a minute. But he was too big and he just laughed and pulled me back, saying it would only hurt for a second. I didn't usually scream; I didn't usually make any noise."

I don't think Sara realized when she began to cry, but I heard the change in her voice, "It was easier just to take the belt or the cigarettes or whatever it was that day. But there was no way I was going to lie down for that. So I screamed; I screamed so loud that I couldn't talk above a whisper for three days. Turned out that it was my screams that brought the police. I didn't know that until I read the report either; I never knew why they came."

She coughed, "I don't really remember everything that happened after that. I remember that he had me pinned to the wall and he had his hands up my shirt. In the report it says he cracked my ribs. I don't remember that. I remember he got mad because he was too drunk to get his own pants off. And then the next thing I remember is his eyes. All glassy. And the blood coming out of his mouth. And then he wasn't pushing me against the wall; he was pulling me down with him as he fell."

She shifted, "The report said that she stabbed him with a twelve inch kitchen knife. I don't remember the knife; I don't even remember her. But I can still feel the spray of blood as it hit me. Not just once, but over and over again. And I can hear her laughing. It was maniacal. And then the police coming in and taking me away. My mother was still sitting on the ground in a pool of his blood. Just laughing. When I gave my statement, the officer asked me if my mother had done it to protect me. I didn't lie; I knew she wouldn't have protected me. 'No,' I told him, 'she was just tired.'"

I was silently crying at this point; I knew these things happened, I had seen them. But how could anyone hurt my poor brave Sara? "Now, when I think about it, maybe she was jealous. In her fucked up mind, I think she might have been angry that he was going to cheat on her after all she put up with. She might have gotten a lesser sentence if I had said she was trying to save me but probably not. There was enough evidence in the house to prove that Dad was not the only one doling out the beatings. She didn't even get reduced time for an insanity plea, which she probably should have. At that point, she had completely lost her mind..."

Sara's voice faded and I knew that she had said all that she could. I twisted in her arms and faced her. I moved into her as far as I could, pulling our bodies together, wrapping my arms around her back, and burrowing my face into her neck. I sighed in relief when she hugged me with the same intensity.

"I love you," I whispered over and over again, "I love you, Sara."

Her body tremored, and I let her cry. I just held her and told her over and over again how much I loved her and needed her. I told she was safe and that it was okay and that she never had to be that little girl again. Slowly, her breathing steadied and her grip on my middle loosened. I didn't let go. I think I needed to hold her even more than she needed to be held. She had had twenty years to come to terms with this; I needed more than twenty minutes.

Awhile later, I heard her laugh. I looked up, "What?"

She shook her head, "Nothing. I just don't get people is all."

"Explain." I moved onto my side once again, tracing patterns on her stomach, under her shirt.

She shrugged, "I've told three other people that story in the past fifteen years. And all three of the people I told reacted the same way. They all were very polite to me and then as soon as they could, they got as far away from me as possible. You're the first one I've told who, not only didn't run away, but actually refuses to let me go." She smiled and twisted a strand of my hair between two fingers. "I don't know whether I'm finally getting it right or if you're the first person crazy enough to get it wrong."

I looked into her eyes before lightly kissing her lips, "Neither. I'm the first person to get it right. Those other people were idiots."

Her brow creased, "You don't pity me?"

I shook my head, "Of course not, why would I? There's nothing to pity. Sara, you are a strong, independent woman. You are smart, you are brave." I kissed her again and smiled at her with dancing eyes, "You are amazingly beautiful and sexy." I squeezed her side playfully and was rewarded with a yelp. "Sweetie, I love you. I'm in love with you. And I know a big part of you expects me to leave you, but what you just told me only makes me love you more- because you trusted me." I moved close to her ear, "I'm not going anywhere, baby."

I felt and heard Sara let out a sigh of relief. She held me close, "Good." She smiled and I could feel her breath on my lips when she whispered, "Neither am I," before her mouth descended on mine.

The feel of this kiss was not light or playful. It was passionate. I felt my heart leap in my chest as Sara moved atop me. Precious few of these kisses had been shared over the past few weeks. I could sense her need for control, so I let her have it, my lips easily giving way when her tongue sought entrance. I was going to do whatever it took to convince her that I wasn't leaving and it wasn't exactly a sacrifice to let her hold me like this. Au contraire.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**So? I hope you weren't to disappointed with my first delve into Sara's past, it will come up again later and I'll go deeper, but until then, I hope this will suffice. Let me know what you think! Review, review, review!**


	21. Making Love

**A/N: Hey, so I know this is a really, really short, but there's another chapter up next. I know a lot of you are aching for a hot and horny scene, and there is at least one coming, but it doesn't fit here. You'll have to make do with this. Tell me if you like it, tell me if you don't.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Having sex is very different from making love. There is a different tone to it, a different texture. Making love is slower, not physically, but in your mind. You remember more and yet the whole experience seems hazy somehow, softer, lighter. The soundtrack is the pounding of your own heart echoing in your ears and whenever you think of it later, that echo returns to you and settles in your chest.

I thought I knew what making love was like before Sara. I had had plenty of good sex with plenty of people. I'd had many nights that until I was forty years old, I would have considered to be magical. But Sara. Sara is different.

The biggest difference between the clinical 'sex' and the more fantastical making love, is the passion and focus you communicate with your partner. When I am with Sara, I am _with_ Sara. Nothing else is on my mind or in my head. When having sex, your thoughts can wander to far away places, or maybe just to the coffee pot you accidentally left on at home. But everything is so much more intense than that when I'm with Sara.

We're so engaged, so in tune with each other's bodies. It doesn't matter if something's clumsily ripped off or if you trip on a bit of sheet while walking backwards. It doesn't matter that it's not perfect, because it's made perfect by who you are with. I know how that sounds, but it's true.

After our long talk on the couch, we headed into some pretty heated making-out, until it was only natural that we move things on to another venue. I remember locking eyes with her a couple of times as we walked down the hallway and being reduced to my sixteen year-old self. I kept thinking _this is it, this is it! _

I have never felt so loved as when I'm in Sara's arms. She has this fierce, focused way of looking at me as I touch her that drives me to bring her more and more pleasure. Just before she orgasms, her expression becomes thirsting, as if she is nearly pained by how much she wants what's coming. And when she reaches the top, when _I_ bring her to the top; her eyes snap shut, her breath halts, and her jaw clenches tightly with the effort it takes not to shout out. She is the most beautiful creature in that moment.

Her body. _God, her body._ She is much more delicate than one would expect, her form is long and lean, muscular, but not overly so. She has an adorable freckle on her torso, just above her left hip bone. Her lean waist is not as straight up and down as it first appears in clothing, it curves out unexpectedly to lovely angled hips. You can count the vertebrae in her spine, and when she inhales deeply, you can count her ribs as well. I love her long, willowy arms, and her slender hands.

_Her hands_. Her hands are so gentle and deliberate. They move the way her mind does, with the intentional and capable ease of an artist at work. And the way she touches me…When she touches me, there is nothing else on Earth that can reach me.

Her lips, her tongue, her fingertips; the way she feels inside of me. There is no sensation greater than Sara moving inside of me. With her, my breath is taken away, I convulse around her, beneath her touch. I cry out, not words, just primal, lusting noises. And when I climax, my lips part in a silent scream of release.

And the aftermath. The breathing heavily, as a hot entanglement of bodies, craving more but not having the energy to lift a single limb, that is wonderful to. It's all wonderful with Sara. I had had nearly twenty-five years experience with having sex. It took one time of making love with Sara, to know that I never wanted to just have sex ever again.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Well? I hope I came through okay. Sorry it's not longer, but it has to go here and not attached on either side. Review!!!**


	22. Family Matters

**A/N: It's my birthday today! I'm in New York City for the weekend and I am getting new shoes. Have you ever noticed how as you get older your birthdays get less exciting? I haven't had a real party in years, and I never would have gotten excited about shoes before. But I need them, so you see it's a practical gift. I'm getting boring in my old age.**

**Anyhow, here's my birthday post (part 2 of my birthday post). I'm listening to Clouds by Joni Mitchell right now, it has put me in a really bizarre frame of mind.**

**Hope you like it, I tried to be realistic. Tell me if I succeeded?**

**IIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOII**

"You must be Sara!"

Nancy bypassed me and her niece and strode through the front door to envelope my stunned girlfriend in a very tight hug. I shook my head. _Oh, lord._ Luckily this 'sisterly gesture' only lasted about three seconds.

Sara coughed and stepped a few paces back when she was released. "Uh, yeah, that's me."

"Wonderful!" I could hear Nancy's pained smile even if her back was to me.

Sara met my eyes over my sister's shoulder, pleading for help. I smirked and was tempted not to rescue her, she looked so cute. But I did. "Hey, Nance? You wanna help me in the kitchen for a sec?"

Nancy smiled in a plastic way. "But I'm just getting to know Sara."

Sara interjected, "There will be plenty of time for that later, go if you want."

"If you're sure." Nancy agreed without further argument.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at Sara who smiled back.

At that moment, my eleven year-old nephew dropped his bike on the front step and made his entrance. "Hey, Lindsey. Hey, Auntie Cath." He eyed Sara, "Is this your girlfriend?"

"Jeremy!" Nancy admonished, though I have no clue as to why.

"Yes," I went to stand next to Sara, "Sara, meet my nephew, Jeremy. Jeremy meet Sara."

Jeremy held out a had which Sara shook, "Nice to meet ya."

"Nice to meet you, too, Jeremy." Sara looked through the open door. "What kind of bike you got out there?"

Jeremy looked over his shoulder at his bike, "Trek MT 240, it's getting a little small for me though."

"Yeah, looking for an upgrade?"

Jeremy nodded, "Going for an adult bike, maybe a Schwinn or something."

Sara nodded, "Good deal. I've got a Trek 6 series."

Jeremy's eyes popped, "Which model?"

"6700."

"No way, that's like a ten million dollar bike."

Sara laughed, "It's not quite that much. But it was a lot."

"Awesome, can I see it?"

Sara shook her head, "It's at my apartment, but I can bring it by next time you're over."

"Awesome!"

I smiled. Just like that, Sara had won Jeremy over. If only my sister were that easy.

Later that afternoon, Nancy and I sat by the pool while the girls played in it and Sara and Jeremy were in the house looking at car magazines.

Nancy looked over at me. "I'm pregnant."

I blinked, "What?"

"You heard me." She smiled.

"Are you sure? Oh my God, that's fantastic!" Nancy and her husband, Mitch, had been trying for a second baby since Jeremy was two. When he turned ten, they finally gave up.

"Pretty darn sure, I've been to the doctor and he said everything looked fine so far. All of my blood tests were perfect."

I leaned over and hugged her, "How far along are you?"

"Five weeks."

I frowned, "How long have you known?"

Nancy ducked her head guiltily, "Two."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Well, it's not exactly as if you've been around much, Cath. Don't even try to pretend you haven't been ignoring my calls."

It was my turn to look guilty, "You're right, I'm sorry."

"What's going on, Cath? Does this have to do with Sara and your new life? I used to see you at least three or four times a week, and I haven't seen you at all in nearly a month."

I leaned back, closed my eyes, and sighed. "I know, and I'm sorry. I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable and I didn't want to make me uncomfortable and I especially didn't want to make Sara feel uncomfortable. We've been working so hard lately, and uncomfortable is just not what we need."

"So your solution is to shut me out?" I could hear the hurt in her voice.

"I know, I know, it was a stupid, immature thing to do. I just didn't know how else to handle it. I'm sorry."

"You handle it by letting me get to know Sara. We both know that I'm a bit uncomfortable with this, and yeah, if I think about it too much, it kind of freaks me out that my sister is having sex with girls."

"Women," I interjected, "And it's actually just the one."

She half-smiled. "But my point is that I don't want to be like this, and keeping me out of your life isn't going to help anything. I like Sara a lot. I can see that she's good for you. And her girls are sweet. I want to be a part of yours and Lindsey's lives just as much as I always did. If that means welcoming them into mine, then that's what I'm going to do."

I reached over and hugged her again, "Thank you."

She nodded and put her sunglasses on. "Besides, I'm not the one you need to worry about." She was right.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I hadn't really spoken to my mother since my return from San Francisco. It wasn't that we didn't talk, because we did. We just didn't say much of anything. She would call about once a week and we would talk for ten minutes or so, mostly about her life or Lindsey before one of us would make some excuse to hang up. She didn't ask about my life and I took that as my cue not to mention it. By now I knew that Nancy had ratted me out. Or the

way she said it; 'I _may have_ accidentally given Mom the impression that you were in a same-sex relationship again'. And I knew better than to expect my mother to throw a party.

But Sara and I had discussed it, and avoiding my family was just another thing that was stressing us out. She wasn't putting any pressure on me, but I knew that something had to be done. Besides, it had always been my stance that my mother's opinion of my sexuality was her problem, not mine. I wasn't going to hide my life from her. I decided to paint her a clear picture and let her take it from there. I invited her over to the house one afternoon while Sara took the girls to see Finding Nemo at the movie theater.

She rung the bell when she arrived, which was different from her typical barging in. I guess she didn't want to _interrupt_ anything. She looked a bit hesitant when I opened the door. "Hey, Mom." I hugged her lightly and kissed her cheek, which was different from my usual head nod. "Why don't you come on in?" I stood back to let her pass.

She walked into the house like she was seeing it for the first time. Her eyes were darting around as if searching for something.

I coughed. "I hope you don't mind, it's just us today. Lindsey's on a play date." _Not a lie._

She immediately straightened, "Oh no, dear, that's fine."

"Can I get you anything? Iced tea, maybe? Or the- Lindsey made lemonade." I had been about to say _the girls_ made lemonade, but caught myself. I was trying to ease her into this, not bombard her with it. Sure, maybe her reaction bothered me, but that didn't mean I didn't understand where she was coming from. She did love me, after all.

"Iced tea would be lovely, dear."

I asked her to wait in the living room while I got the drinks ready. In the kitchen, I sagged against the counter. We hadn't even started and already I was exhausted. I caught sight of the refrigerator and smiled. It had always been covered in pictures of Lindsey, and her work from school. A lot of that was still up, but there were new pictures, too. Stepping forward, I focused on five photos from our trip to California.

The first was of the three girls during our day at the beach. Ayla and Maggie were burying Lindsey in wet sand. Ayla had just poured a whole bucket of the stuff over Lindsey's head and Lindsey's shocked expression was priceless. Maggie had fallen over from laughing. They were all so adorable in their little girl swimsuits. I had loved that day.

The second photo was of the girls and me all crowded onto one park bench, licking our ice creams. I was holding both mine and Sara's cones so that she could take the picture, but both were dripping badly. In fact, everyone's ice cream was dripping. Maggie, who was on my lap, selflessly offered to lick mine, because hers was in a cup and could not drip, which left me free to handle Sara's. Everyone's face was covered in sticky mess and we were all laughing.

The third picture was of just Lindsey and me. Maureen had taken it when we were watching the kids one day. We were on the wharf, with the water as our backdrop. Lindsey was sitting on the ledge and I was miming trying to push her over. She did a very good impersonation of someone who is terrified.

The next one was Lindsey, Sara, and Ayla on the lawn in front of the North Windmill at Golden Gate Park. I had wanted a nice picture with them standing and smiling, but it was not to be. First Lindsey and Ayla made goofy faces, then Sara tickled them to get them to smile, and then they ended up in a heap on the grass. In the photo, Sara has caught both girls up and is tickling a shrieking Ayla and bonking noses with a desperate to escape Lindsey.

The last picture was just Sara, and it was just her face in profile. I had taken it one day when we were on lunch break while cleaning Matt and Warren's house. She was flushed, her hair was up in a messy ponytail, and she was smirking at someone off camera- I think Lola had stuffed her dress with sandwich rolls or something like that. I smiled at her adorable little smirk.

I sighed as I put the iced tea in glasses on a tray. Yeah, this was hard. Yeah, juggling three kids, careers, and everything else was hard. But very little of all of that had anything to do with the fact that we were two women. And we were happy. It was hard, but we _were_ happy. But how was I supposed to explain that to my mother? Glancing back at the photos, I got an idea and, unclipping them from the fridge, I tossed all five onto the tray along with the tea. Mom always was a bit of a visual learner.

I sat through exactly five minutes of tense small talk with my mother before I couldn't take it anymore. "Mom," I set down my glass, "we need to talk."

She looked at me like she was about to scold me for interrupting her scintillating conversation about the weather. "We do?"

"You know we do."

"What could we have to talk about?" Her eyes were wide with feigned innocence.

"Mom," I pinned her with my 'cut the crap' look, "I know you've been talking to Nancy."

"And?"

"_And," _deep breath, "I know that you know I'm dating a woman."

Her lips became a thin, thin line. Silence.

"Fine, you don't have to talk, but I'd appreciate it if you would listen." I paused and waited for her to say something, but she just looked off at the inanimate television. I sighed. "Mother, you've known about my sexuality for years, don't even try to deny it. I knew you had a problem with it, so I didn't push you. I kept all of my girlfriends separate from family life, and I tried not to let it affect our relationship. But it didn't matter then. And it didn't matter when I was married, just as it didn't matter when I was dating men. This is different."

"I suppose you want me to believe that this- this _woman _is somehow different?"

I saw her flinch at the word 'woman' and pushed my rising anger down. "_She_ is different," I insisted. "This is serious, Mother. Whether my relationship with her is going to affect mine with you is entirely your decision. But I'm not about to keep her out of family life, if you want us out then you'll have to tell me."

Her eyes widened, "_Us?_"

"Yes, Mom, _us._" If she thought I was about to leave my girlfriend out of family reunions and barbecues and holidays, she had another thing coming. "You would never have asked me to leave Eddie at home even if we all knew he would get loud and drunk; you would never ask me to leave any boyfriend out of any occasion. My girlfriends should have always had the same right, and I'm fighting for this one."

She straightened her shoulders and got that look. It's the look I have unfortunately inherited and therefore recognize immediately whenever it shows itself. It's the 'I'll have the last word here' look, and it means business. "And I don't suppose that you've thought of anyone but yourself, have you, Cathy? What about Lindsey? Have you even thought about how this thing will be affecting my granddaughter?"

I almost laughed. That was one argument she would not win. "Thought about it? You must think I'm a pretty bad mother if you think I haven't deliberated over my daughter's well-being for hours on end. But guess what? It was practically her idea. She was telling all her friends that we were dating for weeks before it happened. She loves Sara and Sara is fantastic with her."

My mother came up short. "Sara? Sara that woman from work? That woman you went to San Francisco with?"

I gritted my teeth. "Yeah. _That _woman Why? Who did you think it was?"

"I'm sure I don't have any idea." She had gone back to not looking at me.

I sighed, "Here, Mom." I rifled through my pile of photos and handed her the one of just Lindsey and I.

"What's this?"

"It's Lindsey and me at Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco. We were there with a friend and her kids. You'd really like it, there's so much to do and to see. And the ocean is unbelievable, it's just gorgeous."

She sniffed. "I've never been a water person."

"You'd change your mind for this. I've never seen anything like it."

Her fingers ghosted over our faces in the photo. "You look like you're enjoying yourselves," she said softly, almost as if she wanted us to be having a bad time.

I nodded, "We were. We were having the best time. I haven't seen Lindsey so happy since Eddie died."

I watched my mother's face as she took in all of the meanings of this phrase. I was with her, with Sara, in San Francisco, and Lindsey was having a good time. I suddenly felt bad for my mother. This must be so hard for her to understand. All of her life she had believed one thing, and here I was, her own daughter, trying to prove her wrong. And I could see it in her eyes that she was trying, but it was hard. And I understood that. I didn't want to lose my mother. We didn't have the best relationship, but I loved her. Lindsey needed a grandmother and I wanted my mother in my life. But she had to make an effort here. I wasn't going to compromise on this one.

"Mom?" I asked softly, breaking her our of her reverie. She looked up at me, startled. "Here." I took the photo out of her hand and replaced it with the one that was just Sara. She looked up at me and then back down to the picture in her hands. "This is Sara." I watched and waited for her reaction.

My mother studied the photograph intently for several minutes. I think that after awhile she was just staring off into space, trying to come up with something to say. Finally, still not looking at me, she whispered, "She's quite pretty, isn't she?"

I couldn't help but smile my relief. Thank God. The hard part was over. "Yes, she is."

"She's quite a bit younger than you, too."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, she is."

"And her name is…Sara, right?"

I nodded. "Sara Sidle. She's thirty-two and she works at the lab. She's a CSI, level two."

"Where did she go to school?"

I smirked, "Harvard."

"Be serious."

I snorted, "I am being serious. She has degree in physics from Harvard. She's a genius."

"Has she ever been married? Didn't Nancy say something about two daughters?"

"No, she's never been married, but she does have two little girls. It's a bit complicated…"

So I launched into an explanation of Ayla and Maggie and how they came to be in Sara's life. By the time I finished, I think she felt so bad for the girls and for Sara that she had partly forgotten to be upset that I was dating a woman. That was when I showed her the pictures of the girls in California. I explained each one and what we had done that day. She thought the beach one was adorable. When she saw the one with me and the girls on the park bench, she frowned.

"What is it?"

"Cathy, are you sure you know what you're doing here? With these little girls, I mean. Dating is always hard when you have children, but dating someone else who also has children? Especially under these circumstances, you've got to be really careful. Her children could wind up getting attached to you and then what will happen when you break up? They've just lost their parents."

I sighed. "First of all, it's _if_ we break up, not when. Second of all, Mother, I want them to get attached to me; they already are attached to me and I want them to get _more_ attached to me. I love them and I love having them around here. And _if_ Sara and I do break up, not that I think we will, I still want to be involved with their lives. I want them to feel comfortable around me and I want them to be able to come to me when they have a problem. I love them. I know how dangerous it is to risk a child's feelings. Don't you think I watched Eddie disappoint his daughter enough times to know that I never wanted that to be me? I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was worth any and all of the risks, to me, Sara, or the girls."

Mutely, my mother nodded and looked down at the third photo, the one of Sara and the two older girls. She didn't say anything for a moment and I knew what she must be thinking.

"Mom, Sara is so good for Lindsey. She makes her laugh and take life less seriously. But she teaches her things too. And she's very responsible, she would never let anything happen to Linds- she's so careful. She's twice the parent Eddie was, she-"

Mother cut me off. "What did you say?"

"When?"

"Just now. You called this woman," she gestured with the photograph, "Lindsey's parent."

I blinked. Had I said that? I had. And I meant it. "Yes," I conceded, "I did."

"And how long have you been seeing her?"

"Two and half months, but-"  
She cut me off again, "Don't you think you're rushing into things just a little too-"

"No!" _That shut her up._

Mother stared at me, startled.

"No, Mom, we're not rushing into things. If anything we've been too cautious. If we didn't have the girls, who knows, Sara and I would probably be married and living together by now."

Her eyes bulged at this.

"As it is, we've been taking it pretty slow. If we were going the speed I'd like to go at, we would not be having this conversation. But we do have the girls and Lindsey needs a grandmother. That being said, Lindsey also needs two parents. Sara has been acting as second parent since Eddie died and she's done a beautiful job. It trust her completely in any and all matters concerning my daughter."

Mom looked extremely rattled. I think that up until this point, she thought that I was just dating Sara the way I had dated men after the divorce. Well, her eyes were wide open now. She coughed. "I see. And have you…hem, have you discussed this with…Sara? The legalities of what you just said, I mean."

I drew breath, "Not in detail, no, not yet. But the position is open if she wants it."

She just sat there, mouth agape.

"Look, Mom," I began. But my mother shifted her attention to the next photograph. I hadn't know there was a next photograph. It must have been hidden behind one of the others. Hearing my mother gasp, I looked down at the picture. I simultaneously winced and smiled.

We had given Lindsey control of the camera one day, thinking that she'd take pictures of Maggie or butterflies or the bay. We didn't even know she'd taken this one until we'd had the photos developed. She had caught Sara and I kissing with the Golden Gate Bridge and a perfect cloudless sky as a backdrop. Sara was holding me to her with an arm around my waist and a hand on the side of my head. Both of our eyes were closed and I was smiling. Not exactly an appropriate photo for the refrigerator, but Lindsey was so proud of how well it came out that we kept it up.

Looking at my mother's pale face, I was starting to wish we hadn't. Quickly, I snatched it from her hands, before she had a heart attack. "That one wasn't supposed to be in there, it must have sneaked in."

She stared at me. "You really like her, don't you?"

I sighed, "Yeah, Mom, I do. I love her. I'm in love with her. This is it for me, Mom. And that's why I'm talking to you about this. I love Sara and her girls just as much as I love Lindsey, and Nancy, and you. That's what I've been trying to tell you; they're my family, now. This isn't some fling that you can just dismiss. Sara is going to be in my life for a long time, and if I'm going to be in your life, then so is she."

"What do you mean _if_ you're going to be in my life?" She looked horrorstruck.

"I told you. I won't keep Sara out of any part of my life. If you don't want her in your life, that's fine. But you can count me out, too. I won't keep you from seeing Lindsey, if she wants to see you, but I won't allow you to disrupt my family. You don't have to like that I'm with Sara, but you do have to respect that I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions."

"How can you just expect me to be okay with all of this? Jesus Christ, Catherine Ann, you just drop all of this on me and expect me to give you a hug and tell you I love you?"

I looked at her incredulously, "Happens everyday, Mom! People worldwide are coming out to their parents right now only to be hugged and loved. It's not the most outrageous thing that could happen."

"Well, I'm sorry if I need a minute."

We sat in silence for awhile, sipping our iced teas. Then, after what I had estimated to be about sixty seconds, just to be annoying, I said, "Loving your lesbian daughter now?"

She gave me a sardonic look and slapped my arm lightly, "Don't be fresh, Catherine, it's not attractive on a woman your age." We were silent for another minute. She seemed to be deep in thought, so I didn't disturb her. Finally, she sighed, put down her tea, and faced me.

"You always were the difficult one, you know. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it to be truthful. I always knew what I could expect from your sister. She was reliable, responsible, and predictable. She never ripped her clothes or snuck out of the house to go to midnight movies. Even if they weren't perfect, her grades were steady. You, on the other hand, your grades were so inconsistent. Straight A's one semester, C's and D's the next. You never could just coast along in the middle. You've got this fire and I know you've heard it before."

"Sam Braun says I get it from you."

She shook her head, "Maybe you get some of it from me, but you've got ten times as much as I ever did. It fills you up, Cathy, and it overflows. And it never seems to run out. Everyone just loves it, they're drawn to it; drawn to you, like a moth to a flame. I saw it when you were growing up, everyone told me you'd settle down." She shook her head again, "But I knew you never would. And then you surprised me." She tapped a hot pink fingernail on Lindsey's photo. "When Lindsey came along, you started to take life seriously. I know you sometimes wish that you were free and running again, but for the most part, I think you're happy with your life." She half smiled at me, "I do love you, Cathy. You're my daughter, my first-born, and I will always love you. It's just…you scare me sometimes. You've never cared what anybody thinks. You have this life force that is so strong. And I've had to watch so many times as you lose control of it." She patted my arm.

For my part, I had no idea where this conversation was going. She had touched on all of my best and worst qualities in just a few sentences. She had said she loved me, but there had been a 'but' attached to it. Speaking of fires, there was one starting to burn in my chest and she needed to hurry the hell up and get to her point, preferably with as few insults to my ego as possible, before it exploded.

"You have this great capacity for love, Catherine. And I've watched it bring you happiness and pain. You deserve the happiness. I just don't want this to be one of those things you haven't thought through that comes back to bite you."

"Mom, I've thought this through, believe me. I've done so much thinking I my brain is fried. I'm not taking any steps without looking where my put my foot. Sara and I-"

She held up a hand, "That's fine, I believe you." She sighed. "Honey, I'd be lying if I said I understood what you're doing here. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will."

I tried to interrupt but she stopped me.

"That being said, I do love you and I do love my granddaughter. If this woman-"

"Sara."

She nodded and took the hint, "If Sara and these two little girls make you happy, then I have no choice but to support you."

I beamed.

"Don't expect too much at first, I'm not taking the woman out for pedicures or anything."

I threw my arms around her neck, "She wouldn't go anyway." I felt her arms wrap around me and suddenly I was crying. I don't think I'd realized how much I needed my mother's approval until I had it.

"All I'm saying is, I can be hospitable to her and I certainly won't begrudge the children. That's about all I can promise for now. I need time."

I nodded into her silk blouse, undoubtedly getting mascara on the collar.

An hour later, I had shown her all of the pictures on the fridge, and she was leaning against the counter while I started pulling out the ingredients for Chinese night. When I heard an SUV pull into the driveway, and the subsequent racket of three very hyper children, I looked to my mother to see if she could handle it. She held up her hands as if to say she could play nice. I removed my apron and went out into the hall, just as the door swung open.

"Cafrin!" Maggie's voice rang out as she catapulted past the others and threw her arms around my knees.

I bent down to kiss her head, "Hey, sweet pea, d'ya have fun?"

"Ya, dude!" She bashed her head against my knee.

I sent a questioning smile up at a tired-looking Sara, "Dude?"

"It's from the movie."

"Dude!" Came a chorus of agreeing little girl voices. Ayla and Lindsey conked their heads together and came back frowning and rubbing.

"Hey, Catherine, did you know that the Anglerfish live _thousands_ of feet down in the ocean?" Ayla opened a tall book to a page with a really creepy looking fish on it.

"No, show her the page with the great white shark!" Lindsey said over the younger girl's shoulder.

"No!" Maggie turned away from me and back toward the book. "Sea turtles!"

I waded through the tangles of little girls and over to my big girl. I smiled at up at her. "Have a good day?"

"Mhm." She put her arms around me and gave me a quick…okay not so quick kiss. "Missed you though."

"What's with the book?"

She shrugged, "Oceanography and marine biology are fascinating subjects. I figured it was an easy way to integrate education with imagination; see a movie about fish, buy a book about fish. Or you know," she held up a bag in evidence, "six books." She grinned at me.

I shook my head at her and kissed her again.

A coughing sound came from down the hallway and Sara and I leapt apart. I looked over to see my mother walking towards us from the kitchen. I coughed, "Mom, hey. Umm…" _Okay, awkward. _"Mom, I'd like you to meet…my girlfriend, Sara Sidle. Sara, this is my mother, Lily Flynn."

I held my breath as they sized each other up. Sara blinked first.

"Mrs. Flynn," she extended a hand, "it's nice to finally meet you."

I gave an inward sigh of relief as my mother returned the handshake and managed an almost real smile, "You, too, dear. And please, call me Lily."

Sara nodded.

"Who are you?" We all looked down to see Maggie tugging on Mom's shirt front. "Are you Cafrin's mommy? Have you seen Finding Nemo? You should see it, it's the best movie ever!"

Mom smiled, Maggie made everyone smile. "I am Catherine's mommy, my name is Lily."

"Lily?"

"Uh-huh."

"My name is Magnolia Helena Holzman-Winger and I'm three years old."

"But everybody calls you Maggie, right?"

"Maggie, Maggie, Maggie," the little girl agreed.

Mom didn't stay for dinner that night, it would have been asking a little much of her, I think. But she did shake Sara's hand again as she left and she had fallen in love with the girls, especially Maggie, who shared her flare for the dramatic. I thanked her and hugged her as she left, and she did concede that Sara was stably employed and well-mannered, which was more than she could say for my other 'attempts'. And with that back handed compliment, she was out the door.

As I moved back towards the kitchen, I had to remind myself that things could be a hell of a lot worse. This day had gone as well as could possibly have been expected, if not the way I wanted. And Nancy had been great as well. So the family knew and they were still alive. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that that part was over. Now we just had to deal with work. And Gil.

**IIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOII**

**There. So, whadya think? Feeeed me feeeedback! I want it, I need it to survive!!!**


	23. The Secret is OUT!

**A/N: Okay, so there's good news, and there's bad news. The good news is: here's your new chapter! Hooray! The bad news is that I'm leaving for a month-long holiday to Australia where I will not have my laptop. I'm trying to finish off one more post before I leave. I wanted to have enough done so I could post while I was away, but I've had a bit of a block all week. So, this my be it for awhile. At least it's not a cliffhanger. Sorry! I love you guys, thanks for the reviews!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Gil had been tense at work lately, ever since I had returned from California the first time, in fact. Not so much that you'd notice, just little things. He wasn't making eye contact anymore than necessary. He kept his responses to one word whenever possible. And he was isolating himself in his office more and more. It worried me, but it was low on my list of priorities at that moment. I had this little thing called a life, my life, that I was pretty damn worried about.

But I had my suspicions as to what might be wrong. Following the vein of my theory that he still felt something for Sara, I realized that the beginning of his melancholy more or less exactly coincided with our arrival in San Francisco. So it definitely had something to do with Sara. And the more I thought about it, I knew it had to do with me too. At first I thought that maybe her had figured us out, but quickly dismissed that thought. He would have said something. The only thing I could think of was that he thought I'd replaced him as her confidant, which, let's face it, I had.

So he was jealous of me for becoming the person Sara runs to. He was angry at himself for passing up the chance to have her when he had it. And he was still pining after one Sara Sidle. My hypothesis explained all of his behavior perfectly. Unfortunately, it also made what Sara and I were about to do a hell of a lot more difficult. As if it weren't already difficult enough.

Sara and I both cared a lot for the man. He had been my mentor and my friend for going on fifteen years. He was also Sara's mentor and there had, at one time, been the possibility of a romance between them. Not to say I wasn't jealous, because I was. But the fact that Sara was with me and not him, helped me overcome that quite a bit He didn't get to wake up in the afternoon and walk down stairs to see Sara teaching a three year-old Monopoly. He didn't know that Sara was the best pillow for watching movies on. He had no idea what it was like to be pressed up against her, gasping for breath, staring into her eyes. I did.

So she had had a crush on him once, so he was probably still in love with her. She was in love with me. And that's all that mattered. Still, Sara looked up to the man, she respected him as a person and as a scientist, and I knew how desperately she sought after his good opinion. And here we were, about to crush his dreams.

I had invited Gil out for breakfast, telling him that what I wanted to talk about was really important and couldn't wait until the next shift. And that was true, this couldn't wait, not if we wanted to tell the boys tomorrow and hopefully change our schedules a bit. So now, Sara and I were parked in the furthest back row from the restaurant, watching Gil disappear into the building. Sara's hand was shaking in mine. I squeezed it tighter.

Deep breath. "Okay, we can do this."

"Yeah," she said uneasily, "no problem. 'Gil, I hope you don't mind, but your best friend and protégé have been dating for nearly three months, they're in love, and they'd like sliding hours so they can take better care of their kids.' Yeah, I think he'll take it really well."

I smirked slightly at her nervous sarcasm, but I knew she needed reassurance. "Babe?" I wrapped her hand in both of mine. "We always knew this was going to be hard. But we also knew we'd have to do it eventually. And we've waited long enough. Now, I know you're afraid-" She shot me a look and I changed my word. "-nervous. But we can do this. We have every right to love each other and he can't stop that. It might take him a while to get used to it, but he will. We just have to brave the storm until then."

"I know. This was never going to be easy. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard. He's my friend, Cath. And I don't know how he's going to react but I seriously doubt he's going to welcome us with open arms. I don't want to hurt him, but there's no way around it. I hate that." She looked positively green at this point.

I patted her hand, "This will be okay, Sara. Maybe not right away, but if we're ever going to move forward in this relationship, we have to tell him. Unless…" I hesitated because I didn't like this option, "do you want me to do this on my own." I would do it alone if she really didn't think she could face him, but I liked the idea of going in there alone about as much as I liked the idea of going in there naked. If it made Sara happy, though…

But she shook her head vehemently and I sighed my relief, "No, I'm coming with you. We're in this together, it involves both of us, we'll both tell him. I just…I think I need another minute."

"Okay, one more minute." So we sat in silence for a full sixty seconds, me stroking Sara's hand with my thumb. "So? You ready?"

She inhaled laboriously and nodded, "Why not? Let's get this over with."

I leaned over and kissed her deeply. It was clumsy at first, until her brain decided to join the party, but then we slipped into an easy, flowing rhythm and it took several minutes for each of us to regain our breath.

Sara opened her eyes and kissed me one more time, sweetly. "What was that for?" She was smiling.

I smiled back, "Love and luck. I don't know if you know, but I love you, Ms. Sidle."

Her eyes sparkled, "Why, that's mighty convenient, Ms. Willows, because I happen to love you, too."

"Oh, good."

"Shall we?"

"One sec." I reached over her into the glove compartment and handed her a napkin.

"What's this for?"

I laughed, "Well, I don't think we'd have much to explain if you walked in wearing my lipstick."

She slapped my arm, smiling.

We got out of the car and walked toward the restaurant. We couldn't hold hands, in case Gil had gotten us a table by the window, but we walked as close as we could without raising suspicion. As she held the door open for me I whispered, "We can still turn back, you know."

She shook her head, but she looked a little ashen. She squared her shoulders, clenched her jaw, and stared determinedly off into the distance.

Standing in front of her, I reached back and squeezed her hand tightly once. _Time to do this._

As we made our way toward the table, Gil looked up over his menu, frowning, "Sara?" he asked.

I answered since I didn't think Sara was up for it, "Sara's involved in what I need to talk to you about."

This seemed to be answer enough for the moment because he resumed his menu searching as we slid into the opposite side of the booth and did the same. Small talk about work and life lasted until the food came. I don't know if Gil was hesitant to intrude upon our wary silence, or if he simply didn't notice.

"Sara, did you read that journal on new hair root analysis techniques I gave you?" Grissom sipped his water.

Sara was on edge, "Uh…haven't finished it yet. Part way through it though, you're right about the new tox panel methods. Really fascinating."

Gil nodded, "Catherine, how is Lindsey enjoying her summer?"

I glanced at Sara out of the corner of my eye, "Great. She's having a great time. She spends most of the day with Sara's girls, making up games, having lemonade stands. I took all of them to the wave pool at Mandalay Bay last week. That was a lot of fun."

Gil looked at Sara, "That's right, we haven't met these girls yet. Are you going to bring them in someday? Didn't you say one likes science?"

Sara put down her water, "Yeah, Ayla. Mostly astronomy, but she has a new thing for marine biology. It might be awhile before I bring them in, though. Ayla is really shy around new people and I don't want to overwhelm her with everyone at the lab."

At that moment, the waitress returned with our food and the table went quiet. When the waitress had gone and we had begun eating, Gil looked over the tops of his glasses at us. "So what was it you two needed to talk about that couldn't wait until tonight?"

I glanced at Sara. She had gone quite white and looked as if she were trying very hard not throw up. I put down my fork and took a sip of coffee, "Well, Gil…here's the thing. The thing is…umm…the thing is…aah…" I dropped a hand underneath the table and placed it on Sara's knee. _Help!_ She looked at me, took a deep breath, and a bit of color seemed to come back into her face and she nodded. This was it.

This was it and I was suddenly a nervous wreck. My sister? What had I really expected but her reluctant support? My mother? True, I had been prepared for disownment, but passive aggressive judgment is much more her style. And the boys? Well, maybe there would be some unexpected prejudice on that front, but I was expecting reactions along the lines of complete and utter shock. Gil, though…I didn't know what to expect. And I could pretend that I was self-righteous and angry with a sort of 'take me or leave me, because frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn' type attitude. But that would be an insane lie.

The truth was, I wanted Gil's approval. I knew how likely it was we were about to get it, and I wanted it anyway. Maybe I didn't crave it the way Sara did. After all, Gil was not the only man I had ever loved or respected. Sara saw him as a role model where I saw him as an equal and a friend. But a dear friend, a friend that changed my life, saved it even, if that's not too cliché. He was the one who held me as I cried when I left Eddie. He sat next to me in my dressing room, got no sleep next to me, as I studied and reviewed for finals between sets. He was the first person to support me and tell me I was more than just a pretty face. And what we were about to tell him was going to change our relationship for the rest of our lives.

A part of me wanted to stop and not tell him. A part of me didn't want to know what his reaction would be because I knew I couldn't deal with rejection, hurting a friend, losing a friend, _and _being disappointed in the man I always held to have the highest moral fiber of anyone I knew. Not all in one day.

And a big part of me did want to tell him. For several reasons. There was that twisted little part of me that wanted to brag and boast and show off the love of my life. So that after all these months of silence I could finally say 'I won, I won!' But that was just a small part. More than that, I thought Gil deserved to know. For all the aforementioned reasons, he was our friend and no matter how you chose to spin it, we were deceiving him. And that's what it came down to. That, and the fact we needed more leeway at work, and the masochistic part of me that really just wanted to see what would happen. So? I squeezed Sara's leg. _Go._

"Grissom, what Catherine is trying to say is that she and I got a lot umm…_closer_ when we were in San Francisco." She took my hand in hers, resting them on the seat between us. We held our breath.

"I'd noticed," he was watching his bacon, "You've obviously become very…" a light went on and he looked up and back and forth between our hesitant expressions, eyes round. "Wait…how close?"

I pursed my lips and tightened my grip on Sara as I met his eyes, "Really close, Gil."

He stared at me for a long moment, apparently not able to process what I was telling him. "And when you say really close, you mean…"

"I mean really, _really_ close."

"We're dating, Grissom." Sara brought our joined hands up and set them on the table in plain view.

I shook my head at her and fought a smile. It was nerves more than anything that made her so blunt. Sara tells it like it is, she doesn't make things flowery and covered in frosting. Sometimes she loses tact altogether. But it's only when she's truly scared, I've learned, that she gets like this. Her brain freezes and she puts everything out there before she loses her nerve. I covered my mouth with my free hand. I thought it was really cute, if somewhat inconvenient.

Gil was staring at Sara, at me, at our hands holding tight, and then down at his plate. He picked up his coffee and took a sip. He picked up a knife and began meticulously spreading cream cheese on his bagel. He concentrated so hard on the task that after three silent minutes he had spread a perfectly even, thin layer. And when he was done, he started in on the other side. I looked at Sara, a bit worried. She shook her head as if to say she didn't know what was going on.

"Gil?" I ventured.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked quietly, "Since San Francisco?" His focus had still not left his bagel.

We both nodded.

"That has to be three months."

"Just about." I agreed.

"And when were you planning on telling me?" He sounded remarkably calm.

"We wanted some time to ourselves," Sara said softly, "if you can understand that. Time to be together, time to organize our lives, the girls' lives."

"So, why tell me now?"

Sara and I exchanged glances and I spoke, "Having to hide our relationship is adding a lot of stress to our lives. It's become a lot more trouble than it's worth. We wanted to tell you first." I had seen him flinch a the word 'relationship.' "Also, we wanted to talk to you about some scheduling problems and it didn't seem fair to keep lying to you."

"Hmm."

"Umm…Gil?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you going to say anything?"

"Other than 'you're not fired?' No. Not at the moment."

"Grissom?" Sara's voice had gone faint.

He shook his head, "Sara, I'm going to need more than five minutes to swallow this. I don't know what to say. Can we please just finish our meals so that I can have a bit of peace in which to think?"

So we ate. We sat there for fifteen painful minutes in absolute silence, and we ate. I don't know what Sara was thinking, but my thoughts never left the man across from me. When we were finished, and the check had been split three ways, Gil stood up, leaving a couple of dollar bills on the table. Sara and I slid out of the booth and followed suit. There was a silent walk out to the parking lot, where Gil stopped in front of his car and turned to face us. He eyed our joined hands thoughtfully.

"Victor Frankl once said, 'When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.'"

Sara snorted, and for the first time that morning, I could sense hostility in her body language. "Charles Darwin said, 'It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.'"

Grissom nodded once in concession and gave us a grim, tight-lipped smile. "I don't know how to react to this." He pointed between us and then waved a hand in surrender, "I'm sorry. I do appreciate you telling me. Give me time to formulate a response? We'll talk about that scheduling situation tonight, if that's alright with you. I need to get going." He nodded again and waved, leaving Sara and I alone in the lot. That was it. No speech, no outburst, no angry words. Just 'I don't know how to react to this.' And a quote. An outburst would have almost been easier to swallow. This…I didn't know what to make of this. It certainly was not a smile and a pat on the back.

That night, like many nights that would follow, Gil treated us with a cool professionalism that was quite a shock compared to what we were used to. He still treated us as competent, accomplished CSIs, but that's all he treated us as. No friendly banter, no extra help on cases unless it was expressly asked for, no teasing remarks. I didn't like this new side to my friend, but I didn't want to push him. So I let him be, for the time being.

As for our schedules, in exchange for working half-shifts on our on call nights we were granted sliding hours in the mornings and afternoons. Essentially what that meant was that unless there was an emergency, as long as we clocked the same number of hours, and as long as we let Gil know, we could clock in and leave when we wanted. It was the same system that the part-time non-field workers like lab techs or accountants worked on.

Gil was very accommodating and understanding, but he was distant. For some reason, his semi-rejection was almost harder to take than my mother's. I did feel bad that we had hurt his feelings, but he had had several opportunities to go after Sara, and he had made it perfectly clear that he had no intention of doing anything whatsoever. I missed Gil. But I loved Sara. If I had to lose him to keep her…it would hurt, but I was willing.

**IIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOII**

It ended up being three days before Sara could face the guys. It wasn't that she was afraid of what their reactions would be, but we needed that much time to recover from our experience with Gil. Really all it was, was telling Nick and Greg, since Warrick already knew. That didn't make it any easier, though. Once again, we were meeting for breakfast, this time at my house. Warrick was coming over for moral support.

Sara had come home with me, and it was a big scene in the kitchen. You could never just make pancakes without all of the girls wanting to 'help.' Lindsey was getting old enough to actually be productive, and Ayla was a very cautious measurer, but Maggie…Maggie inevitably got covered in flour anytime it was used in the kitchen. So this was how the boys found us; laughing, screeching, and swimming in flour.

This was Nick and Greg's first real time meeting the girls, and they were enchanted. They knew Lindsey, of course, but Ayla and Maggie were new to them. Maggie, the social butterfly was very soon bouncing on Nick's knee, laughing away. Ayla on the other hand, was her shy, sweet self. Lindsey took care of that.

"Ayla, meet Greg, he's a scientist. Like you."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"What's he do?"

"Umm…I have no idea. Greg, what do you do?"

"Well right now, I'm a DNA technician, but I'm training to become a CSI like your Mom."

And therein lay the mystery for Ayla, "What's DNA?"

We ate breakfast out on the patio, laughing and joking with the kids. Then, when the girls had excused themselves to go play, Warrick tapped my shoulder lightly. He gave me a look that said 'it's time, get a move on already.' I looked to Sara who looked to Warrick and back to me before nodding.

"Hey, guys…" Everyone turned their attention on me. Sara, sitting across the table, smiled her encouragement. I coughed, "Well, I invited you guys here today, actually, Sara and I invited you because we wanted to talk to you about something that's kind of important."

Greg cut in, "Are you guys switching to day shift or something?"

"No."

"Neither of you is moving, right?" Nick wanted to know.

"No."

"Is one of you-" Greg began.

"Hey," Warrick stepped in, "let the lady talk."

I smiled at him. "Here's the thing."

"We're dating." Sara blurted out.

I cocked my head to one side and gave her my best 'what the hell?' expression. Once again, her nerves had possessed her body.

She ducked her head apologetically, "Sorry. It just…slipped out." I shook my head in disbelief, but I was smiling.

The table was oddly quiet.

Greg spoke first, "You're dating?" He looked back and forth between us, "Each other?"

I snorted, "No, Greg. I've met this great guy named Tom and he has a brother named Ted who's really into Sara. Thought you'd like to know." Seeing that he looked a little hurt I sighed, "Yes, Greg. Sara is dating me, I'm dating Sara. We've been seeing each other for three months," I smiled at my girlfriend, "and we aren't planning on breaking up. You're our friends, and we thought you deserved to know."

Silence.

"So…" Nick began, "you guys are…this is serious, you guys are in love with each other?"

Sara bristled, "Yes, we are. This is very serious."

Nick held up his hands, "I was just checking. It's a bit of shock, you know?"

"Not really," Greg argued, "Not if you think about it. I mean they've been spending a ton of time with each other and they're much more touchy-feely than they ever used to be. It kind of fits." He smiled, self-satisfied.

Nick turned to Warrick, "You're awfully quiet."

"Yeah, well…" Warrick glanced at me and Nick caught on.

"Dude, you knew? So not cool."

Warrick held out his hands, "I was sworn to secrecy."

"You could have trusted _me."_

"Or me. It's the kind of thing we like to know."

I watched Sara smile. This was going to be okay. Sure, they seemed a bit shell shocked, but they were still here, and they were still talking to us.

"This is pretty crazy," Greg was saying, "inter-office dating." His face fell. "Does Grissom know?"

_Oh, does he know. _"Yeah," Sara said, chagrined. "Yeah, he knows."

Nick nodded, "That explains why he shouted at me over using the wrong printer paper yesterday. This has got to be rough on him."

"He didn't take it too well." Sara said. That was one way of putting it.

"He was an ass," I translated.

Warrick patted my shoulder.

"That sucks, but you do have to look at it from his perspective, I mean the guy's being seriously double teamed."

"What?" I asked.

"Nick's kind of right, the man's on the wrong end of a full court press."

"And that means?"

"It means we cornered him, though I don't see how." Sara shrugged.

Warrick raised his eyebrows, "How would you like to come home to find your wife and mistress in bed together?"

Greg nodded and Nick waved a hand at Warrick, "Exactly."

"What?" _Sorry, run that one by me again?_

Warrick sighed. "Look, you've got to think about this like a guy."

"No thanks." I passed.

"Well, just listen then. Women friends to guys are just girlfriends on hold. You can't sleep with them _yet._ For Grissom, you two were like his greatest potentials. If there was ever a right time to pursue a relationship, in his mind, the two of you were always there."

"Yeah," Greg put in, "and now he loses both chances in one second. And to each other. That's just brutal. In his brain it's like he waited too long and now he's missed his chance."

"He did miss his chance." Sara argued.

I snorted, "Not with me he didn't. He never had a chance with me; way too much of a geek."

Sara looked at me.

"It's much sexier on you babe, no worries." I grinned.

"The point," Nick said, "is that what you've done to him, it's a serious blow to his ego. It would be nicer to go up an kick him in the balls everyday for a month."

"Maybe two." Greg nodded.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes, "Men."

I got up then to clear the plates and when I came back, Sara was talking. I stood behind her chair, hand resting on her shoulder, listening "…so you guys are really okay with all of this?"

"Sure." Greg said, "I mean, I don't think it's really sunk in yet, but I'm not weirded out or anything."

"Ditto. It's just gonna take some time to get used to this, but I'm here for you, girls."

I don't know why, but suddenly, hearing that, I fell apart. All week I had put on a brave face for Sara and the girls, but my mother's and Gil's, and to some extent my sister's reaction to this relationship had been eating away at me. And now this easy acceptance from our friends filled me with such strong relief, I just couldn't keep the brave face anymore. I started to cry.

Sara looked up at me, startled, "Catherine? What's wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nothing."

She immediately stood and put an arm around my waist. I steadied myself with a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?" she asked again.

I waved a hand at the boys. "I just can't believe it was that easy. After everything this week, I was just so sure…"

She nodded, "I know."

"Hey, give us a little credit."

"Yeah, it's not like either of us had a shot to begin with, so nothing has really changed. You're still unavailable."

Nick nodded his agreement and I gave a snuffley laugh and smiled at them, "Thank you."

So now everybody knew, at least everybody that mattered. And it had gone over with mixed results. I was grateful for the support from the boys, that had come as a big relief. I had mixed feelings about my family's reactions. On the one hand, I was happy that they were trying. On the other hand, a little voice in my head said that they were my family and they were supposed love me and support me no matter what.

I was disappointed with Gil's reaction. I hadn't expected him to be happy about Sara and I, but this withdrawal into himself was just a bit more than I could handle. Maybe the boys were right, maybe we had injured his manly pride. I never even knew he had any, but I suppose he must've. Perhaps when his ego had recovered, things would get better. I couldn't help but feel, though, that things were never going to be as they were and I was saddened by that. Gil had been one of my greatest friends and he was slipping away from me.

But I did have Sara, and a sick little part of me felt triumphant over that fact. I had Sara, Sara loved me, Sara was with _me_. After the guys left, we spent the morning with the girls, watching them swim and playing silly made-up games. After lunch, I went to sleep and Sara, who had the night off, stayed with the girls. When I woke up it was to three girls bouncing on the bed.

"Dinner is ready! Dinner is ready!"

I looked to Sara who was leaning in the doorway. She shrugged, "I tried to stop them." But her smile told me she was lying.

I stretched and yawned, "Well, I think I need a cuddle before I can go anywhere." Ayla collapsed directly on top of me with Lindsey on her and then Maggie on my side with her arms around my neck. I laughed. "Where's my other girl?"

"Sara, come on!" Ayla chastised.

"I've got pasta boiling," she tried to get out of it.

"Just for a second, Sara." This was Lindsey.

"No, I really should-"

"Sara Sidle get your behind over here!" This made all the girls giggle, but it got the job done.

"Fine," she argued, walking over, "but you deal with consequences if the kitchen catches fire." She sat on the edge of the bed.

"Deal."

As she managed to pull all four of us into her arms, I smiled peacefully. I had Sara.

**IIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOIIOOII**

It took about two weeks after we had told everyone for me to realize that our schedule for the girls wasn't working. Yes, splitting their time between Sara's apartment and the house saved time, but it was also disrupting their lives once a week to cart them and all their stuff to another location. It was almost worse than the plan we'd had before. And with school starting up again in a little under three weeks, we needed to make sure that the girls had a stable environment to come home to. This left us with only one option as far as I could see.

On the one hand, moving in with Sara seemed like a bit of a leap, but on the other hand, it didn't seem that weird at all. Sure, we'd only been dating for three months, but so what? I wanted to be with Sara as much as I possibly could. I wanted to have more of a hand in Ayla and Maggie's life. I wanted Sara to play more of a role in Lindsey's. I wanted to be able to spend more time with all of my girls together.

If we didn't have kids, no one would say we were rushing things. Hell, we lived in Vegas, where you only had to know somebody for ten minutes before you married them. My sister had met and married her husband and gotten pregnant in the time Sara and I had been together. And they had been together for twelve years and were about to have another baby. So, why not? We were responsible adults, we wouldn't rush into this if it was the wrong thing to do.

So while the girls were busy swinging in the hammock one afternoon, and we were standing with her arms around me, I whispered up at her. "Move in with me, with us."

"What?" Her eyes widened. Obviously that had not been what she was expecting me to say.

"Move in with us. I want you and the girls to move in with Lindsey and me."

Sara was silent for a long moment, holding me tight. "Why?"

I sighed and turned in her arms, "Because what we're doing here is crazy. The girls need to be living together and so do we." I stood on my tiptoes to kiss her, "I love you; I want to share my life with you. And…families should be together."

Her breath hitched and I saw her mouth the word, 'family.' "You think we're a family?"

I smiled at her hesitance and kissed her again, "I think we're getting there. I know I want us to be. I want you to be my family, Sara. You and the girls."

Her eyes were wet and she swallowed, overcome with emotion. In a moment, she had her face buried in my neck and her chest was contracting sharply with half-formed, silent sobs. I ran a hand over her hair and laughed quietly into her ear.

"What did you think, honey?" I kissed her temple, "That I only wanted you for nights and weekends?" I shook my head, "Honey, I want to be with you all the time, always. Always and always." We rocked back and forth, "Okay, sweetheart?"

She stood up and nodded, wiping her tears. "Okay." I touched her face and smiled. She smiled in return and her lips descended on mine.

"Sara and Mommy sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

I smiled into Sara's lips and pulled away to see my daughter giggling like mad on the other side of the yard. I turned back to Sara. "Is that a 'yes' then?"

She grinned, "I'd say that's a definite yes." She started kissing me anew to choruses of 'Eww!'s and laughter. When we pulled apart and my head was resting on her shoulder, I chuckled. "What?"

I shook my head and whispered, "Sara and Mommy sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

She laughed.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**I still have four days before I leave, who knows what more reviews could inspire me to do…**


	24. Adjustments

**A/N: I'm back! I missed you all so much. I had a pretty crap time in Australia. The next time my parents offer me a free month-long trip no strings attached, I am going to laugh in their faces. Funny story though; I was in this Greek restaurant in Melbourne and the waitress was crazy flirting with me so, just for fun, I flirted back. About halfway through dinner my mother realizes why this girl keeps coming back to fill my water glass and she goes all quiet. My oblivious father didn't even notice. **

**That was the only relief I got from extreme frustration. I had to share hotel rooms with them! Agony! I am never leaving America again! Okay, that's an outrageous lie, but next time, I am definitely bringing my computer. So, here's a scattered chapter for you, a little short I know, but I thought we'd ease back into things. Hope you likey.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Maggie is allergic to strawberries. Meaning that whenever there are any in the house, they go on the top shelf of the refrigerator. You have to wash your hands and the counter and all bowls containing strawberries until they are spotless, and all towels used then have to be washed in very hot water. But not in the washing machine because residue might get on her clothes.

We don't have strawberries very often.

We pitched the idea of living together to the girls right away and they had been all for it. Easy as pie. It had gone over like candy on Halloween. As far as they were concerned, living together meant all day partying. Yeah, well, they would learn.

The day after I asked Sara to move in, we started making the preparations. Everything had to be done quickly if we wanted to be mostly done before the girls started school. What had been my guest room needed to become Ayla and Maggie's room, so I needed moving men to come and take out the bed and other furniture in there to make way for their things. Then we needed a storage unit big enough for my things and most of Sara's stuff. We did realize that someday we would need to get a bigger house, but I had just finished paying off the mortgage on this one, and one thing at a time.

Sara didn't seem to mind parting with a lot of her furniture, none of it appeared to have any sort of intrinsic value for her. And she actually got to take a few things out of storage that she hadn't been able to keep in her apartment. Mostly sports equipment, a few boxes of books, a beautiful watercolor painting of the San Francisco Bay that fit perfectly over _our_ bed. I loved waking up to that everyday. And Ayla was over the moon when Sara brought home a telescope she had been keeping in Greg's basement.

We were almost entirely moved in, except for a few boxes here and there, by the end of two weeks. Moving in was one thing. It was laborious, but not overly emotionally taxing. Explaining to Gil why Sara needed to change her home address? Extremely emotionally taxing. How do you tell a man, 'You know how last week we ripped your heart out? Well, just incase the message didn't stick the first time, we've decided to go ahead and stomp on your heart as well. Doesn't that sound like fun?' Sara's solution was to simply not tell him and, as much as I was with her in spirit, mine was to just tell him as quickly as possible. I won.

"Grissom? Could Cath and I talk to you for a second?"

"Is it urgent?" He sat, scouring over documents, hunched at his desk, "I've got this whole stack of paperwork." He gestured at the pile beside him.

I sighed. Before the coming out disaster of ten days previous, he would have never used paperwork as an excuse, "It can wait if it has to, Gil, but this will really only take a second." I tapped my foot impatiently.

Gil sighed, and removed his glasses. "Okay. You have my undivided attention."

Sara and I took seats in front of his desk. Sara coughed. "Grissom, I…I need to change my place of address."

The man's face took on a stormy expression. "Oh?"

I bit my tongue to keep from getting defensive. I knew he was hurting, but this was a bit immature and it was flustering Sara.

"Uh…yeah."

"Are you moving?" He wasn't looking at either of us, but at some indeterminate point in the vicinity of his paper tray.

Sara coughed and my anger grew. How dare he make her feel guilty about something she was perfectly within her rights to do! I gritted my teeth and reigned in my emotions. It might be my way to explode and make a scene, but it certainly would not help Sara or our case.

"Yeah, I'm…" I saw her swallow and felt the urge to reach out and hold her hand. "I'm going to be moving in with Catherine. The girls and I are moving in with Cath and Lindsey."

"I see."

"And?" Had I meant for that to come out so irritated?

"And…thank you for telling me. I'll update Sara's file. Obviously, there's no need to ask for the new address, seeing as I've been there on several occasions." His voice was steely. He put his glasses back on, picked up his pen, and went back to work.

"Grissom," Sara pleaded, "Don't do this."

"Don't do what, Sara? My job? I have to get this paperwork done if any of you want health insurance next year."

"Griss, please. Try to understand."

His jaw clenched. "I've been trying to understand, Sara. Forgive me if I'm not Mr. Understanding, but I feel entitled to more than one week of adjustment period before you tell me you've decided to become Susie Homemaker. Personally, I think I've been rather accommodating."

"We weren't planning on moving in together when we told you," Sara protested. "It just sort of happened. It's more practical. We'll sleep more, we'll be able to work better hours, we'll be able to spend more time with the girls. It's better for everyone."

"Well, congratulations, then." His tone was mocking. Sara's eyes flashed with hurt, and I snapped.

"Hey! Don't you take this out on her. She doesn't deserve any crap from you. She hasn't done anything wrong and you know it." My voice was louder than either of theirs had been and I realized I was standing. But that didn't stop me. "Now, I know that our relationship surprised you and you still need time to process all of this, and I'm sorry we had spring it on you like this, but there really wasn't any way around it other than to lie to you."

"Why are you here, Catherine? Sara's change of address is a matter for her and me. It doesn't really involve you, does it?"

I was taken aback by this new tactic but I didn't let it show. Instead I leaned over and jabbed a finger into his desk. "The second your immature remarks put that look on her face? That's when it involves me." I glared at him until he dropped his gaze.

"I think you'd better go, Catherine." His voice was quiet.

I clenched my jaw. "Gladly." I spun around and stalked out of the office. A few minutes later, I was fuming in the parking lot when Sara approached me. "Is that asshole happy?"

She smiled grimly, "Not exactly. That was some little show you put on in there."

"I did try not to say anything."

"I know, I could see you gripping your seat the whole time."

"It's just…I couldn't stand seeing him manipulate you like that."

"Manipulate? Grissom? Cath, I think he just didn't know how to react. Yeah, it hurt my feelings, but I don't think he did it on purpose."

I sighed, "I know, I know. I lost it, I'm sorry." I wasn't really sorry, in fact I still wanted to go back in there and yell at him some more. I was sorry that I seemed to have upset Sara, though. So I would at least apologize to her, even if I had no intention of apologizing to Gil. As far as I was concerned, he had gotten what he deserved.

Luckily, Sara smiled, "No big deal. You're pretty cute when you go all protective lioness."

I flashed a grin, instantly relaxed again, "And here I was going for daring and sexy."

"Oh, those too. And about a thousand other things."

"Should we take the girls out for breakfast?"

"And miss washing all those dishes? I thought you'd never ask."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Sara and I quickly learned that there is a lot you don't know about a person until you live with them. Sara, for instance, is a meticulous laundress. Where I would just divide into lights and darks and have done with it, Sara had a separate load for whites, colors, blacks, and delicates. Socks and bras do not go in the drier. Three quarters of a scoop is plenty detergent, a whole scoop is too much. This lead to a quite a row that ended up with Sara measuring the exact volume of my washing machine to prove to me her theory of the detergent to capacity ratio.

It took Lindsey coming to say, "Guys, it's just laundry. Chill out," for us to realize we were being ridiculous. I caved on laundry. I didn't actually care how it was done as long as it got done. Five females go through a lot of clothes. So, Sara got her way on that one. I won other things. No hard liquor in the house, shoes come off at the door, and, yes, knives can go in the dishwasher. Three children will give you a newfound appreciation for the dishwasher.

Another thing we learned is that Sara and I _cannot _go grocery shopping together. Ever.

"What's next on the list?"

"Orange juice."

"What kind?"

"I don't know, whatever's cheapest."

"How about this one? It's enriched with vitamin C."

"It's five dollars. And it has pulp, I hate pulp."

"Pulp is good for you."

"Says who?"

"Everybody."

"What's wrong with this one?"

"Cath, I don't even think that comes from oranges."

"It's called orange juice."

"Maybe they just mean the color."

"It's two dollars less than this organic crap."

"You can't put a price on your health."

"Yes, you can. It's five dollars, put it back."

"No."

"You are not putting that in this cart."

"Watch me."

OR

"Come on, chili is the king of all foods."

"I will not let the girls eat that garbage, it's a heart attack waiting to happen."

"Ayla's seven. If she drops dead of a heart attack, I will personally go on a crusade against all chili everywhere. Scout's honor."

"I seriously doubt you were ever a girl scout. And it's beside the point. Now, if it were vegetarian chili, I'd be willing to talk."

"I will not let the girls eat that garbage. You can't have vegetarian chili. It's like vegetarian beef- it's just not allowed to happen."

"Well, they aren't having chili in my house."

"Fine, but I'm putting back these soy nuggets and getting fish fingers."

"You can't do that."

"Watch me."

And so on. So we worked out a system where we make two lists and one of us goes to do the shopping. I learned to be very specific, because where I would write 'apples,' Sara would write 'six granny smith apples, unless they look bad, then get three Macintosh and three gala.' If I wasn't specific enough, Sara would deliberately get the wrong thing usually the healthier equivalent.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The week after we were finally moved in, brought the first day of school and all of the chaos that comes with it. Sara and I had left work early to get the girls dressed and fed. Since Ayla was going into third grade and Lindsey into fifth, they were going to the same school. But Maggie wasn't going to be four for another few weeks, so she was in preschool and consequently in another building halfway across town. This one day, Sara and I were taking them all together. After this we would split up and one of us would drive the older girls and the other would take Maggie.

Ayla was nervous about the third grade. Just because she was tall enough and advanced enough, didn't mean that a skinny, bespectacled seven year-old girl would be able to hold her own in a room full of loud, older children. To tell the truth, I was worried for her myself. I felt like it was Lindsey's very first day all over again and I wanted to march in there and tell Ayla's teacher exactly what I expected of her. But I didn't. Mostly because I had to hold Sara back from doing the same.

Lindsey was her typical confident self, and I was so proud of her. A gaggle of her little friends swamped her as soon as she got out of the car, but she ignored them and held tight to Ayla's hand.

"Oh, my God, Lindsey! I haven't seen you like, all summer!"

"Didn't you go to California?"

"Did you see a movie star?"

"Lauren said you went to hang out with your mom's _girlfriend._"

"Was that like, I don't know, really weird?"

"No, it was really awesome. Sara's the best. Look, I've got to show Ayla her classroom, but I'll tell you guys about it in a minute."

"Who's she?" I watched Ayla shrink back at the attention.

Lindsey shrugged, "This is Ayla. She's kind of like my new little sister," I saw Ayla's shy smile at that, "and she's never been to school here before so I'm going to show her around." She turned away from her friends and walked the few steps back to the truck. "You guys can go now, we'll be fine."

I stepped out of the car and squatted next to Ayla, "You sure you don't want me to come in and meet your teacher?"

Ayla looked at Lindsey then back at me, and nodded.

"See? We'll be okay. And I'll show her where we get picked up and everything."

Ayla wrapped her arms around my neck, "Bye, Catherine."

I shut my eyes and smiled. I felt so connected to this little girl, she had already become such a big part of me. I'm not sure what I expected when I signed up to be a part of these girls' lives. But I certainly didn't expect to love them the way I do, as if they really were my own. We were becoming more and more of a family each day, and what I felt for these girls was nothing short of fierce maternal love. To be the one this little girl came to for comfort filled me with an amazing sense of satisfaction.

I squeezed her tight and kissed her cheek. "By sweetie. You're gonna do great, okay?" Ayla nodded and pulled away, I looked to Lindsey. "Do I still get a kiss or are you too big for that now?"

"Mom," she lowered her voice, "all my friends are watching. Can you try to act a _little_ cool?"

I smiled. I hadn't really expected to get away with it. I caught sight of Sara leaning against the rear bumper, clearly intimidated by the horde of giggling girls not ten feet away. But she smiled at us. "What about me? I'm way cooler than Mom right? Can I at least get a hug?"

Lindsey beamed, "Okay, but just one."

Sara kissed my daughter's head, "Have fun, Shortstuff. Pay attention."

"I will." Lindsey buried her head in Sara's stomach for a moment before reaching back for Ayla's hand.

Sara and I got back in the car. "Okay. Well take good care of each other. Either Sara or I will be back to pick you up. Bye Ayla, sweetie!"

Sara leaned over me and waved.

Ayla looked grimly at us like we were making her walk the plank, but Lindsey hugged her around the shoulders, "Bye Mom, bye Sara- bye Maggie."

So, things were coming along. We were learning to coexist. Work was better, Gil got slightly better. He still avoided us like the plague, but after a few weeks, there was less of that hell freezing over feeling every time the three of us were in the same room. And he had actually let us work a case together. Granted, Nick had been there too, but still. Things were getting better.

The guys were increasingly supportive. Greg and Sara took the girls out when I was shopping one day. When Greg realized what a chick magnet little kids were, he had asked if he could take them by himself next time because Sara 'brought him down.'

Later that morning, after we had left Maggie off, Sara and I enjoyed our first rest together in our very own bed. We cuddled up, sans clothes- a luxury we had not had since that day a month ago when Warrick took the girls. We lay talking for an hour about nothing really. Just the stuff that was filling up our new life together.

"I can't believe Maggie's going to be four soon." Sara scratched lightly at my hip.

"I know. Next year will be kindergarten- thank god."

"Hmm. Why thank god?"

"Then, at least for one year, we'll have them all at the same school. And I think Lindsey can take the bus to the middle school."

"You think about stuff like that? Like a year away?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm just not used to thinking about the future." She kissed my forehead. "This is nice."

I hummed my agreement, nuzzling into her shoulder. "We need milk. And fruit."

"And pizza bagels."

"What happened to the eight I bought last week?"

"We must have eaten them."

"We, Sidle? I don't think so. I didn't have any. I think Linds and Ayla each had one on Thursday. That leaves six unaccounted for."

"There's still one left."

"Oh, okay." I rolled my eyes.

"I can take the older girls shopping when I pick them up."

"No, I'll take Maggie. Bring the girls home and get their homework done. And then Ayla has her tutor at four. We'll have to take them all to drop her off, since I want to meet this guy."

"Greg says he's awesome."

"Yeah, well, Greg can say he hung the moon. I am not leaving my seven year-old alone with some man I've never met."

"Fair enough." Sara yawned. "Oh, and we're out of popcorn and olives."

"Where did the box I just…? You know what, never mind. I do not want to know."

"They taste really good together."

"I didn't hear that."

Later that afternoon, I took Maggie with me to the store. When it had just been Lindsey and I, I had shopped for groceries about once every two weeks. With five of us though, we were lucky if we made it through the week with only two runs. Three children went through a gallon of milk in two or three days. I found myself wishing someone sold orange juice by the barrel, or macaroni by the bucket. How is it that children never get tired of macaroni?

"Hey, hey, Maggie May!" I lifted her up to sit in the in the seat at the front of the shopping cart before consulting my list. "We need apples! What letter does apple start with?"

"A!" Maggie and I started our alphabet game awhile ago when she became jealous of the older girls reading. She was old enough to learn, and she was getting pretty good. As long as I didn't throw her any tough ones, like 'shoe' or 'phone', she nearly always got them right.

"A is for apple! Good job. So," I said, looking at the paper in my hand before setting off toward the produce section, "we need apples, we need bananas, peanut butter, juice- what kind of juice should we get?"

"Grape! And apple and cranberry and fruit punch!"

"I don't think we can get that many, Miss Maggie May, we have so much else to carry!"

"Okay, just grape."

"Okay."

We wandered up and down the aisles in a practiced, familiar way. Fruit, lunchmeat, egg salad. Cucumbers, salad mix, balsamic vinegar. Pasta, pickles, pizza bagels. Bread, milk, parmesan cheese. Maggie talked me into sugar cereal, fruit punch, and tortilla chips before I put my foot down at chocolate popsicles. We were in the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide on either quilted, which was softer, or generic, which was cheaper, when a woman approached us. She had her small son in the front of her cart and a huge pocketbook on one shoulder.

"Oh, my God. Your daughter is gorgeous. She is just absolutely adorable!"

Maggie realized she was being talked about and grinned coyly. She was used to being adored.

"Uh…thank you."

"Hello, precious! What's your name?"

Maggie lit up at the attention of somebody new. "Magnolia Helena Holzman-Winger," she recited.

The woman was enchanted, as everyone always was. "That's a beautiful name, and how old are you, Magnolia?"

Maggie chortled at being called her real name. She held up three fingers. "My birthday is Sepnember 14th and then I will be four." She held out the appropriate number of fingers.

The woman shook her head at me, "She is simply adorable."

I smiled.

The woman beamed, "She has your eyes and your smile. Mischievous. Like she has a secret." She moved back to her cart and her son, and waved at Maggie, "Bye, Magnolia, it was nice to meet you."

Maggie waved back, "Bye-bye! Have a nice day!" She looked back at me and giggled, "Can we get string cheese? I love string cheese."

I watched the woman turn a corner and then smiled at the little girl who apparently had my eyes, "Oh, I think we could get one package of string cheese."

"Hooray!"

We finished up our shopping, paid, and left. All the while, my mind was back with those woman's words and the pride I had felt. The maternal pride. When we got home, as we were putting away groceries, I mentioned the encounter to Sara.

"We ran into this woman at the supermarket."

"Did you know her?"

"No, she just fell in love with Maggie. She actually stopped her cart to comment on how beautiful she is."

I saw Sara's eyes spark with the same pride I had felt. "Of course she did, who wouldn't love the sly munchkin?"

"Exactly. Anyway, so this woman? She thought I was the munchkin's mom."

Sara smirked as she handed me the yogurt, "Did you expect her to guess that the child in your cart was, in fact, your girlfriend's ward? Or was that just her second guess?"

I slapped her arm with a dish towel, "Smartass. No, I mean, she thought we looked alike."

Sara tilted her head to one side and looked over the counter to where the girls were playing in the living room. "You do, kind of."

I gave her a look.

"What?"

"Sara that little girl looks just like you. And what she doesn't get from you she gets from a man who looks nothing like me."

"I didn't say she was your clone, I just said I could see where the woman is coming from. It's not that you look alike, exactly. It's more like you have the same…energy. I can't explain it. She just is like you. I see it."

"Yeah, well. Anyway, it was kind of cool."

"What was?"

"Feeling like her mom for a second. Getting to take credit for a part of that," I gestured at the little girl wrecking a game board. I shrugged, "It was cool."

Sara came up behind me and kissed my shoulder. "You should take credit for a part of that," she spoke into my neck, wrapping her arms around my waist, "a bigger and bigger part every day."

I leaned back against her, stared up at her, and smiled, "You better put your pizza bagels away before they thaw." She pinched me and I gave a very unwomanly squeal.

"Last week some woman thought Greg and I were Lindsey's parents."

"I'm sure Greg was quick to set her straight."

"Yeah, apparently you're dead, he's been raising them alone, and I'm just a friend."

"Weasel."

"It's okay, I got even. The next three girls that came up to him I scared off by calling him 'honey' or 'baby' and giving them menacing jealous wife glares."

"Fantastic."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**So? Whadya think? How about a welcome home review?**


	25. Real Mom, Real Family

**A/N: Okay, here ya go. Bit of a boring chapter I'm afraid, but it had to be done. Chapters are going to be a bit shorter for a while. Don't blame me it's just where the story breaks fall. Hopefully though, this means faster updates. I'm employed once again so free time will be less than it was, but we shall survive! Okay, go! Hope you like it.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The weeks flew by and soon Sara and I had been together for five months. It had taken some getting used to, but life as a mother of three was becoming second nature to me now, as was being in a committed relationship with a supportive co-parent. I was experiencing what life could be like in an equal partnership and I was in awe of the difference it made to have someone always at your side, helping you and, to a certain extent, letting you help them.

We had structure, we had schedules, and we still found time to relax and have fun. Dinner, for instance, happened as close to six as we could make it every night. One of us cooked, the other helped the girls through setting the table, and later we washed and dried the dishes together. Everyone had a vegetable, a starch, and a protein source on their plate.

I had never lived like this before. Certainly not in my childhood or adolescence when my mother worked bizarre hours and my father hugged the bottle like it was the Bible. Definitely not during my time as a dancer when I was permanently in a drug induced haze. And absolutely not during my marriage. I had tried to have this sort of thing with Eddie, but I had never been able to count on him for food or money, let alone being on time for dinner. My life had never been reliable or stable.

But life, now, just seemed to click. Sara and I worked as a team, it was the only way we could maintain the pace in which we lived. Instead of fighting, we discussed issues. It was hard, and it didn't always work. When we got too heated we just took a step back, and spent some time apart. We learned to work in tandem, knowing what the other was doing at all times, what child was where, working off each other to make sure everything got done and we weren't dead by the end of it. Eventually, we got it down so well that we didn't need to talk, we were so in touch with the other's needs, that we finished each other's sentences.

And yeah, there were problems here and there, and sometimes dinner didn't happen right at six, or someone wouldn't eat their vegetables, or work hours were not the most convenient. But these were trivial problems; I had three kids, I had to learn to let the little things go. If spilled milk was my biggest problem, then I was grateful- it was a far cry from picking your wasted husband up from a strip club in time to catch him trying to pick up a girl who could be a younger version of you. As far as I was concerned, life with Sara and the girls? It was the best I'd ever had.

One morning, I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes after we'd sent the girls off to school. Sara had gone back into the lab to check on some urgent results she was waiting for and I was waiting for to come home before heading off to bed. As I put the final dish in the dishwasher, the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sidle?" The voice was a pleasant one, and somewhat familiar.

"No, this is Catherine Willows, who's this?"

"Oh, Catherine! Hi, this is Denise Adams, Lindsey's third grade teacher? Do I have the wrong number?"

"Hi, Denise. No, you have the right number, Sara just isn't here right now. Can I take a message?"

"Uhh, sure. Just tell her that I'd like to set up an appointment to discuss her daughter, Ayla."

At her words, I knitted my brow. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no, just a routine meeting." Somehow, I didn't quite believe her.

"Oh, okay. Well…I'll let her know."

"Thanks! Bye-bye."

Hanging up, I frowned at the phone. What was wrong in Ayla's class? She hadn't said anything. Ms. Adams had never called me in for a parent-teacher conference when Lindsey was in her class. What could be wrong?

At that moment, Sara came home. I heard the door shut and the keys get discarded on the front hall table. "Hey, I'm home." Sara walked in to see me frowning pensively. "What's wrong?"

I hung the phone up and sighed. "I just got off the phone with Ayla's teacher." I went up on my tiptoes and kissed her cheek. "She wants to set up an appointment to talk about Ayla."

"Like a parent-teacher whatsit?"

I nodded and started cleaning the counter. "She said it was just a routine check-in, but I think she was lying- something in her voice."

Sara came to hug me from behind, "I'm sure everything's fine, she would have said if something were wrong."

I shook my head. "Not necessarily. I got the impression that she only wants to talk to you- _Ayla's mother_." I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my voice.

Sara kissed my jaw lightly and pulled me firmly into her arms. "Calm down, babe. She doesn't know the whole situation. When we go to the meeting, we'll just have to set the record straight, okay?"

I nodded.

"Good. Now, did she come through on caller ID?"

I picked up the phone and nodded again.

Sara took the phone, "Then I'll just have to call her back and set it up."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It turned out, that I was right; this wasn't an ordinary meeting. When Sara called back, she learned that the principal would also be in attendance, though that was all Denise Adams would say over the phone. So, at four thirty on Thursday, I left Maggie with a babysitter and headed off to the school. The older girls were in the after-school program that day, and Sara, who was giving a deposition for a case, was meeting me there.

These sorts of things always made me nervous. I'd always felt different from other parents. I didn't go to meetings, I wasn't on any committees, and I'd never made anything for a bake sale. I felt awkward around other mothers, but I really felt out of place around teachers, like they were judging me not just as parent, but as a person, based on how well my child did in their class. But today was different. Today, I would have Sara with me. I was still nervous though. I tried on three different pantsuits before settling on a navy pinstripe. I wanted to look professional, to remind them and myself that I was a confident, productive member of society and therefore worthy of their time.

I walked into Denise Adams classroom feeling tense. What would she have to say about Ayla?

"Mrs. Willows?" Denise was sitting at her desk opposite the principal, Ruth Goldwater. "Can I help you?" She looked genuinely confused by my presence.

I smiled, "Yes, I'm here for Ayla's parent-teacher conference."

She looked even more confused than before. "Umm…why? I mean to say, I was expecting Mrs. Sidle."

I nodded, "I know, you see-" my cell started to go off and I saw that it was Sara. "Excuse me, I have to take this. Just one sec." I half-turned and answered the phone. "Babe?...Yeah, I'm here already…Oh, that's too bad. I'll just hold down the fort until you get here…Okay, yeah. Love you too." I moved back toward the desk, dropping my phone into my bag. When I looked up, Denise and the principal both had strange looks on their faces. I smiled cautiously, "That was Sara. She got held up at a deposition and it took longer than it was supposed to. She's on her way now, she'll be about ten minutes late."

"That's fine," Ruth Goldwater spoke, "Now, you were saying about why you're here?"

"Oh, yes, sorry. Umm…it's kind of a long and complicated story, but the short version is that I'm Ayla's parent just like Sara is. Sara is my partner and we take care of each other's children. Ayla's education is important to me and I wanted to be here. She is as good as my daughter. Uh, Sara said we could go ahead and start without her, she didn't want to hold anybody up."

The principal shifted uncomfortably, "Actually, I'm afraid we can't do that, Ms. Willows."

I frowned, "Why not?"

"Well," she smiled in a feigned apology, "as much as you may be acting it, I'm afraid you are not Ayla's mother."

That stung. A lot. Even if it was true. "Excuse me?" My voice was less confident than I'd wanted it to be.

Dr. Goldwater continued, "You aren't listed in her paperwork as a legal guardian, only Ms. Sidle is. And I'm guessing that means that you have no legal custody of Ayla. Without some sort of documentation to that affect, I'm afraid we can't discuss her well-being with you, not without Ms. Sidle present. I'm sorry." She didn't seem too sorry.

I clenched my jaw to keep the anger from boiling over. "I see."

Denise Adams looked very uncomfortable with this turn of events, "You're welcome to stay with us and wait, Catherine. I can show you some of Ayla's school work and art projects. Do you remember the bean experiment we did when Lindsey was in my class? We're doing that again this year, and Ayla's is by far the best."

But I shook my head. I was not about to wait in here while some uptight principal looked down her nose at me. "I think I'll wait for Sara outside. Excuse me."

I stood outside, arms crossed over my chest, not sure if I wanted to scream, cry, or throw something. How humiliating! And that woman just sat there and as good as told me she didn't approve of my lifestyle. Would she have been so condemning if I were a man just trying to be a good father? Somehow I doubted it. By the time Sara pulled up, I had worked myself up and was considerably upset. As soon as she saw me, she knew something was wrong. She rushed toward me with worried eyes.

"What's wrong? Why are you out here?"

I shook my head. "I'm not Ayla's _mother_, did you know that?"

Sara looked hesitant. "Is that a trick question?"

I stamped my foot, "No, it's not. It's an entirely legitimate question, because up until a minute ago, I didn't know it made a difference."

"And it does?" She was wary and I could tell it was because she didn't know whether to hug me or to slowly back away.

"Apparently!" At the crack in my voice Sara opted for the hug, and drew me into her arms.

"Hey," she rocked us from side to side, her chin resting on top of my head, "what's going on?"

I sniffed and looked up, blinking to keep that tears at bay. "They won't talk to me about Ayla unless you're there."

Sara connected the dots, "Because you're not her parent?"

I nodded, "Right."

"Well, that's just bullshit." She didn't sound mad, just factual.

I nodded again. "Complete bullshit." But I wasn't angry anymore. Being in Sara's arms tended to do that to me.

She pulled back and smiled at me. "We'll just have to fix it then, okay?"

I nodded, trying to pull myself back together.

"You look sexy as hell in that suit, you know."

The rest of the conference went off without a hitch. It turned out that Ayla was not only doing well in her class, she was doing too well. Ms. Adams explained it to us by showing us Ayla's bean project. It was by far the best. The way it worked was, everyone got a bean and some dirt in a paper cup. Each child was then supposed to care for their bean and then document how it grew. The idea was to start the kids on learning the scientific method. But Ayla already knew the scientific method.

Independently of anyone else, our girl found books on plants and gardening in the library and taught herself about photosynthesis. Then she figured out the exact best way to grow a bean. Her bean plant was a foot taller than anyone else's, and her diagram was by far the most advanced. When Sara and I saw what she had done, we were proud beyond belief.

But the teacher and principal were worried by Ayla's advancement, they were afraid it made her too different from the rest of the students.

"We're just concerned that she's going to be unhappy here. The other children have already singled her out as different and it's very hard to lose that stigma once it's there."

"Do you have a solution?"

"Yes, well, Ms. Adams estimates that if Ayla were to stay here, anything less than seventh grade would be below her intelligence level."

I protested, "If being one grade ahead makes her stand out, what do you five is going to do?"

"Well, that's why we don't think it's a good idea for Ayla to stay here."

"What?"

"There are several very good private schools in the area that are equipped to handle Ayla's advanced aptitude. We think it would be in your daughter's best interest to look at some of these schools."

Sara and I exchanged glances. Money wasn't the problem, it was the fact that it would be a third school. How could we get all of them to their class on time? Still, if was the best thing for Ayla, we'd just have to find a way. I nodded at Sara who turned, "What do we have to do?"

It turned out that all there was to do was look at the schools and take their entry tests. Sara and I picked the older girls up and drove home to relieve Maggie's babysitter. That night, after we had tucked in the girls, in the rare quiet moment we had before we left for work, Sara approached me with a piece of paper in her hand. She sat beside me on the sofa, looking nervous and uneasy.

"Babe?"

"Yeah."

"What's up?"

She licked her lips, hesitating. "Umm, well, you know how this afternoon that woman wouldn't talk to you without me present?"

I put my paper down and sat up straight, my legs curled up under me. "Yeah. What about it?"

"Well, the reason they did that is because when she was enrolled, I didn't put you down as one of her legal guardians."

"Because I'm not." I chewed the inside of my cheek.

"Right, well…" she paused nervously, "would you like to be?"

I was caught by surprise, "What?"

Sara looked decidedly uncomfortable, "Would you like to be legally responsible for the girls? Be their mother, legitimately?"

I was in shock, I didn't say anything. This made Sara even more nervous, she dropped her head and started to babble, playing with a string of the sofa.

"It's just…the girls love you, and you're good for them, and you've been acting as their mother for nearly six months and you've been doing a fantastic job- you intimidate me, that's for sure. I mean, I understand if it's too much too fast, but today you were so upset and I thought maybe this was something that you might get excited. I've been thinking about it for a while now."

I smiled widely. "So, you're saying that you want me adopt Maggie and Ayla?"

She nodded without looking up, "But I understand if-"

I touched her knee. "Why do you think I would say no?"

She looked up then, took in the happy expression on my face, and returned my smile, shrugging. "I guess I was worried that you didn't want the responsibility of that."

"I already have the responsibility, now I can have the credit too."

Sara placed a hand over mine on her knee. "So, you really want to do this?" She squeezed my hand. "You really want to be the mother of my children?"

I liked the sound of that. "Yes, without a doubt." I rested my chin on our joined hands, "We're in this Sara. I'm not about to shy away from any responsibility, especially not one I love having. I want to do everything I can to make sure that you and the girls stay here for a very, very, _very_ long time. Okay?"

Sara nodded and handed me the sheet of paper she'd been holding.

"What is it?"

"It's information on second parent adoption and adoption for gay couples. It's not legal everywhere, but it is legal in Nevada and that's all that matters."

I studied the sheet, "And second parent adoption is…?"

"It's the kind of adoption we'd have. It's like a step-parent adoption, adopting your partner's child."

I skimmed over Sara's neatly bulleted points and at the bottom, the names of two lawyers. I smiled up at her. "You've really been thinking about this, haven't you?"

She blushed slightly.

I rubbed her arm. "No, I think it's incredibly sweet. I never would have researched it before asking you about Lindsey, I-" Sara's eyes widened. "What?"

"Nothing."

"No, what?"  
"Nothing!"

I thought about what I'd said and shook my head. "Sara?"

She was casually not looking at me. "Hmm?"

"Look at me." Reluctantly, she did. "Would you consider adopting Lindsey? I know I would love for you to be her mother and I know that she would too."

Sara bit her lip. "You're not just asking because I asked you, are you? I mean, you really want this, right?"

I drew circles on her knee. "When I told my mother about you, about us, I accidentally called you Lindsey's parent, and Mom caught me on it. She asked me if I meant it. And I said yes, I did. You are twice the parent Eddie ever was. Then she asked me if we had talked about making it legal. I told her we hadn't, but the job was yours if you wanted it. Sar, all I want is for us to be a family, in every way we can. So? How 'bout it? You want the job?"

She rolled her eyes. "Of course, I want it." She kissed me swiftly. "Of course I want it."

After the incident that afternoon, it was pretty clear that the sooner we got this done the better, and that meant talking to the girls and talking to a lawyer. Talking to Lindsey was no problem, she was over the moon.

"So, you mean Sara will be, like, my mom?"

I grinned, "Yup, what do you think?"

She shrieked. "Are you kidding? This is so awesome. It's just like I wanted. Now Ayla and Maggie really will be my sisters! Yes!"

I looked at Sara, "That was easy."

Sara regarded a leaping Lindsey, "Apparently she likes the idea." She laughed.

It was a little more complicated with Ayla and Maggie. They'd lost both of their parents and had to start a whole new life with a new parent. Would they welcome another parent? Another change in their lives? I decided to talk to them by myself first, and Sara agreed it was a good idea.

I came into the living room and sat down on the floor next to Ayla. I rubbed her back as she bent over some construction paper. "Sweetheart? Can I talk to you for a second?"

She sat back and looked at me with wide innocent eyes. "Am I in trouble?"

"No, sweetie, of course not." I paused. "Why? Should you be?" She shook her head vehemently and I cracked a smile. "Okay, no, I just wanted to talk to you about something. Have you seen your sister?"

Ayla craned her neck. "Maggie!" she yelled, rather loudly.

There was the padding sound of little bare feet running on wood floors, and Maggie's head popped over the sofa. "Hello!"

I grinned. "Hello! Maggie May, come here for a minute, I want to talk to you."

"'Kay." She came around the couch, plopped down on the floor, crawled over to me, and curled up in my lap. She smiled up at me. "Ready. Set. Go!"

I wrapped my arms around her and looked at Ayla. "Ayla, do you know what adoption is?"

She nodded. "Sara adopted me and Maggie. It means she takes care of us, like a mommy."

I kissed the top of Maggie's head. "That's right. Well, I was wondering…Ayla I would really like to adopt you and your sister. What do you think about that?" I waited apprehensively.

Ayla seemed to think about it. "You want to be in charge of us like Sara?"

I nodded. "I would love for you to be my little girls."

The seven year-old frowned. "What about Daddy and Papa?" My heart ached at her tone. "I don't want to forget them."

I reached out and touched her hair. "Oh, honey. You won't forget them, I won't let that happen. Honey, I'm not trying to replace your Daddy and Papa, okay? I would never want to do that. They will always be your parents. But… I want to be around all the time to take care of you and play with you. I love you so much, and I want us to be a family."

"Sara and Lindsey too?"

"Yep."

"If Sara dies, that means we stay and live with you, right?"

I was caught off guard by the question. At first I wanted to assure that Sara wasn't going anywhere because that's what I needed to hear. But I didn't want to lie to her- something could happen to Sara. So I settled for the truth. "Yes, you'd stay with Lindsey and I."

Ayla nodded as if she'd expected as much. Then she looked at me very seriously. "I think…" she began, "I think it would be good idea for you to adopt us. I think that would be good."

My heart soared. "Thank you, baby." I pulled her to me and she giggled. "Thank you so much."

"You're squishing me."

Maggie didn't really understand what was going on, but when we asked her if she wanted to live with Catherine forever, there was an emphatic yes.

With the girls approval, we felt free to consult a lawyer. Adoption is not something that can be done over night. You can't just sign a paper like they do in the movies. Second-parent adoption requires a series of petitions, meetings with a judge, competency hearings, routine check-ups- it's a long and involved process.

Lindsey's adoption was the easiest of the three. We got a friendly judge and it only took us a month to get everything in order. On the day Lindsey officially became Sara's daughter, we let the girls skip school and we had a family party all day. Sara cried.

It turned out to be a lot more difficult for me to adopt the Maggie and Ayla. There were problems because they were born in a different state, and problems because they had just been adopted by Sara. And finally our judge was not very understanding of our situation, and decided that Sara and I needed to be in a committed relationship for at least a year before I could adopt the girls. So that was put on hold for awhile, at least for seven more months.

Starting the day Sara and discussed the adoption, we all made a much bigger effort to act like a family. The girls were sisters now. I had three daughters. It was an easy transition. It was an amazing transition.

I remember lying on the sofa one day, my head in Sara's lap, and Maggie draped over me, dead asleep. On the floor Lindsey and Ayla were playing 'pet shop' with every single one of their stuffed animals. Sara was reading up on her forensic pathology, running fingers through my hair, and I remember thinking 'Is this possible?'

A year ago I was an emotional wreck, I had a frightened, devastated little girl, I was so lost. My family had been hanging on by a thread and now it was torn apart. I was utterly alone and convinced that nothing would ever be okay ever again. And now? I smiled. Now, I was madly in love with an amazing woman, and we had built an amazing family together. An almost perfect family. Almost.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Oooh, it's kind of a cliffie! Almost. What does almost mean exactly? Is something wrong? How could something be wrong!? Guess what happens! No, seriously, go ahead and guess. And while you're at it, review!!**


	26. Guilty Daydreams

**A/N: See? I told you faster updates. Someone won my guessing contest but I can't tell you who it is (but you'll know who you are), I don't want to spoil the surprise.**

**harassedbytheFBI: Sorry to disappoint you, but this is a very fluffy fic. And the fluff will just keep coming. There's one more dramatic thing, but it's a ways off. Stick around though, I hope you like it anyway.**

**That's right, it's fluff from here on out, folks. It's unrealistic, it's poorly written, and it may make you sick to your stomach. No real conflict. What. So. Ever. But some of you have been waiting for fluff- well here you go. **

**Go forth! Read! Review!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I watched Sara read a book with one hand as she pushed Maggie steadily in the swing. God. I could never get over how beautiful she was. Those long legs, her shoulders, her arms. Her. She looked up from her book as if she could feel me watching her. She winked at me and grinned before returning to her book.

"Wow." Sidney laughed at me. "You are so whipped."

I could only smile, "Yep."

It had been Lindsey's idea to meet up with her friend Olivia and her two moms at the park. She said she read in an article about families with gay parents that it was good to show kids that they were part of a normal family. Jesus. I think Sara laughed for an hour after she told us that while my reaction was just to turn bright red and go do laundry.

In the end though, it turned out to be a great idea. Mercedes and Sidney were really great and Olivia was a sweetheart. They also had an eighteen-month-old little boy, Grayson. He was adorable. Lindsey and Ayla were infatuated with him. They and Olivia were busy taking him down the slide and through the jungle gym.

"You know he is just a doll," I said. I love babies.

Sidney smiled with pride, "I know. He is quite the charmer. I take him to work with me a lot and everyone just falls in love with his big grin. I'm so glad I get to be a part of this for him. I missed it with Olivia, you know…"

"Really, why?"

"Because I didn't meet Mercedes until Olivia was almost three. Mercedes was actually with another woman, _Sandy_," I didn't miss the sneer when the name crossed her lips, "her supposed life partner."

"You don't sound like you're a fan."

"Oh, I'm not. Sandy was abusive, verbally anyway, I think maybe physically too, but Sadie has never said anything. Frankly, it doesn't make much difference to me. If she ever comes near my family, I'll kill her either way. She gave up all parental rights when Liv was six months old, just left one day. She sent papers a few months later saying she relinquished all rights. I know there was nothing I could do, but I hate thinking about the two years that Sadie had to do this alone."

I nodded my understanding, "It's not easy to do it alone."

"You sound like you know."

I looked at her, surprised, "I do. I mean, Eddie didn't technically run off and leave us, but he sure as hell wasn't there for Linds when he was alive. Even before the divorce."

"Wow. Sorry, you and Sara just seem like such good moms, I figured that you'd been together forever. So what happened? You divorced, met Sara, had the two girls and lived happily every after?"

"What? No, Sara and I have only been together for eight months. I thought you knew."

"Seriously? That's it? But you're so…well adjusted." Sidney looked out at Sara and back at me doubtfully.

"Yeah, well, we sort of had to be, you know? With three kids…we're just not young enough to take things that slowly, and we wouldn't just be risking our own happiness if we messed this up. We had known each other for three years before, anyway. Actually, we pretty much hated each other for the first two…"

"Really? It sounds like a good story."

I smiled, "I guess it is…"

So I launched in to tell her about how Sara and I fought, and then about Eddie's murder and how good Sara was for Linds. And then I told her about last year, about Matt and Warren, about falling in love with Sara and finding out she loved me too. And how everything just fell into place. How five months ago Sara and the girls had moved in with Linds and me, now making us cramped but happy. And how Sara had legally adopted Lindsey two months ago and we were making the arrangements for me to formally adopt Ayla and Maggie.

I included little anecdotes. I told her about the day after the girls had convinced Sara to buy them a trampoline and had discovered they could jump from it into the pool; I had been so adamant that it was dangerous but Sara had completely undermined me and jumped in right along with them. She had been so cute all wet like that that I relented and was soon bouncing along too.

"That's an amazing story." Sidney said when I was done.

I watched the three older girls returning from the snow cone stand, laughing. I smiled at Ayla trying so hard to be grown up with the eleven year-olds. And then I caught sight of Mercedes, swinging Maggie around on the whirly-go-round. I looked for Sara and found her lying in the grass with Grayson, tickling him to the ground. His shrill giggles made me smile. _And Sara thought she wasn't good with babies._

"You want another one," Sidney observed, pointing to Grayson. It wasn't a question.

I frowned. How was I supposed to respond to that? I watched Sara lift the baby into the air and I smiled. It was true, I had thought about a baby on more than one occasion. In fact the idea had been in my head since almost as soon as we got together. But it was never going to happen right? We already had three kids and Sara would never be interested.

"I don't know," I said, creasing my brow, "A part of me does. Maybe a big part. Sara has never raised a baby. It's a wonderful experience and I don't want her to miss out on it. And I love the idea of having a baby with Sara. You know, do the whole thing right this time? Get baby books and go to those 'mommy and me' classes. Have someone there beside me that shared half the load and all of that. But we have three already, three really great ones. And I'm getting older. It's not safe for me to give birth anymore, really- Sara would have to do it. And we only just got settled and a baby would change everything and if we waited much longer I'd be more than sixty when a baby got out of high school. I just don't think it's going to happen."

"Well, I'm forty." Sidney argued. "And I gave birth to Grayson. Besides, Sara might want to have a baby, have you asked her?"

"No." I admitted. "We're not even married or anything."

"Well, technically no one gay in Nevada is. But you've adopted each other's children. Sorry, but nothing says 'I want you in my life forever' more than that. Besides, Lindsey thinks of you as married."

"What?"

"I heard her call Sara by her first name today, but when she's at school, Mercedes says she call you both her moms. 'My moms are picking me up today- we're going for ice cream with my sisters.' That's why I just figured you guys had been together forever."

"My Lindsey said that?" I could feel tears well up in my eyes.

Sidney nodded, "I've got to say, for only eight months, you guys have created quite the tight knit family. Linds loves those little girls and they love her."

I watched as Maggie leapt from the slide onto Lindsey's back, screaming, "Piggy back, Lindsey!"

I laughed, "Yeah, they're pretty wonderful."

"You know, I thought when I asked Mercedes for a baby I was being so selfish. Olivia was nearly ten years old and I just figured Sadie would want to be done, was sure she wouldn't want another ten years of carpools and college funds tacked onto that. But then we had my baby niece come to stay and everything I thought about having a baby just tumbled out one night. And it turned out that Sadie had wanted to ask me for years but didn't want to upset my job. You should talk to Sara about a baby. I know it sounds soon. But if you never ask, you'll never know."

I nodded, "Maybe you're right." But I knew how that conversation would turn out, and I had no intention of asking.

"I am."

A minute later, Sara came over to us, bouncing Grayson joyfully on one hip. "Hey, ladies." Sara leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, "How's my goddess this afternoon?" she whispered, but Sidney heard anyway and laughed.

"Basking." I replied with a smirk, I held out my arms for the baby, "I haven't gotten to hold him yet."

"I was just coming to hand him over; Linds wants Mercedes and I to have a piggy-back race with her. Can't have little man here runnin' off."

"Oh, be careful!"

Sara just rolled her eyes, "No, I fully intend to drop our child on her head. I'm going for as much brain damage as possible- which angle do you think I should aim for?"

"That's funny. Really. I just forgot to laugh because of the image of _our child_ in a coma flashing through my brain."

"Will you relax? If I'm strong enough to carry you from the car all the way up to our bathroom then I'm pretty sure I can handle a sixty pound child."

"Yes, well, as I recall," I smiled coyly at her, running a toe up her calf, "You were on a bit of an adrenaline rush when you whisked me up those stairs."

"Newsflash, babe, I'm on an adrenaline rush anytime I'm within a ten mile radius of you."

"Really?" I gave her my best innocent smile. I could hear Sidney laughing at our game. "So you must be on the verge of a heart attack when I do this…" I stretched, thrusting my chest forward, pretending to yawn. Then I licked my lips expressively.

Sara grinned evilly. She handed the baby to Sydney. "You know what?" she said, "Forget piggy-back rides. I think there's a public restroom around here somewhere, or actually, Cath…I just had this sudden urge to show you this grove of trees over here." She grabbed my wrist.

Sidney laughed, "I had no idea you two were still on your honeymoon."

"If I have anything to say about it, Cath and I will be on our honeymoon for the next thirty years." I liked seeing Sara this relaxed around other people.

I pouted, "Only thirty?"

"Well, by then we'll be retired in a condo somewhere with grandkids crawling around. I mean, Lindsey will be as old as you are now. Are you saying you'll still want me to ravage you when we're seventy-five?"

I grinned evilly, "Count on it babe. Besides, in thirty years, I may be seventy but you'll only be sixty-three. I'll fully expect to be ravaged for another thirty years after that."

I received a smile and a kiss, "You'll be the sexiest centenarian on the block, _babe_."

"I know." I grinned and swatted at her. "Now go give our little girls a race to remember. But if anyone gets brain damage you can just forget sex for the next decade."

For that, I got a salute, "Yes, ma'am." And then my gap toothed smile.

That smile never ceased to send shivers down my spine. I thought of something. "Babe?"

She turned back to me, "Yeah, I was thinking Italian. What about you?"

I smiled, loving how she knew just what I was going to ask. "Perfect. Ludovico's?"

"The girls can get pizza and we can get mussels with angel hair."

"You read my mind."

She grinned. "I-"

"I know you do. Trust me, its mutual, hon!"

She laughed as she walked back to the field, "Why do we even bother talking?"

I started to reply but she just waved back, "I know, I know. Because you love the sound of my voice."

Sidney laughed and I blushed.

"You two are perfect for each other."

I closed my eyes, taking the baby and bouncing him on my knees. "I know." And I sighed because for a rare moment everything in my life was calm and even better than I had ever dreamed it would be.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

After I talked to Sydney, something started to shift in me. It started the very next day when I was picking the girls up from school. I was parked in the parking lot, waiting, when a woman crossed the street. There wasn't anything special about her, I'd never met her before, but I immediately felt a connection to her. Balanced neatly on her hip was sweet-faced baby, about eight months old. I saw her and I ached.

And it began to happen everywhere; mothers toting infants, fathers giving toddlers shoulder rides- pregnant women. I was going crazy. All of a sudden my idle thoughts of some fantasy baby weren't enough anymore. My dreams were filled with warm bottles, tiny toes, and little giggles. Sidney had opened up a floodgate of unwanted, unhelpful thoughts. I could barely go a minute with thinking about a baby. It was unbearable.

And the worst of it was, I didn't have a damn clue as to what I was supposed to do about it. I couldn't just stop thinking about it, I'd tried that. And it didn't work because I didn't want to stop thinking about a baby. I wanted to have baby with Sara, badly. But there were so many reasons why we shouldn't or couldn't, not to mention that Sara would never, not in a million years, want a fourth child, she'd think I had lost my mind. No, the best thing was to just keep things to myself, to suffer in silence.

Six weeks after my conversation with Sidney, I was relaxing out on the deck with my sister, watching the two younger girls run in and out of the sprinklers. Sara had taken Lindsey and Jeremy on a bike ride, so we were alone in the house. Nancy was sipping her iced tea beside me, and curled up on my chest was my three week old niece, Abbigail Lily, or Abbi for short. She was so beautiful and soft. Her face was so sweet with her chubby cheeks. Her heavy lids covered Nancy's, my, bright blue eyes. Her little turned up nose, her soft skin, her tiny rosebud lips. Everything about her was perfect. I was in love. There was something so calming about her weight on my chest, her little heartbeat rabbiting away over mine.

Rubbing her back, I kissed her head through her baby sun hat. I sighed and leaned back, contented.

"Don't get too comfortable." My sister slurped her drink.

"Hmm?"

"You do know that she's coming home with me, right? Seeing as how she's my daughter and everything." Nancy smiled over her sunglasses. Abbi shifted and squeaked at the sound of her mother's voice.

"Sorry," I murmured drowsily, "did you want her back?" But I lay a protective arm over the baby, not quite ready to give her up just yet.

Nancy laughed and waved a hand, "No, keep her. You just looked so comfortable there. Don't worry, it's cute."

I hummed, "How could I not be comfortable? There's nothing better than this. She's so trusting and helpless. She's so at peace. It's amazing."

"I can think of a few things better. Like a full night's sleep. Or getting to dry my hair in the morning. Or time for sex.'

I smiled and shook my head, "No, this is it, right here. I miss this. Lindsey climbed into bed with Sara and I one night last month? Between the two of them, I was nearly kicked out of the bed. I ended up in Lindsey's room. Any thoughts of her being a _little_ girl anymore were thrown right out the window. Sometimes I just wish she could have stayed this small forever. I miss this."

At that moment, Abbi started to fuss. Nancy dropped her head back on her seat, "She can't possibly be hungry again."

I lifted the little girl and kissed her nose. "No," I pitched my voice, "that's not a hungry cry, is it, Princess? No, that's a dirty diaper cry if I ever heard one. Yes, oh yes, it is. Who's got a dirty diaper?" Nancy made to get up but I waved her back down. "Let's give Mommy a break, okay Miss Abbi? And Auntie Catherine will tackle that mean old diaper!"

"Oh, thank God." Nancy collapsed back into her seat.

It was while I was changing Abbi's diaper that I once again remembered my conversation with Sidney. I remained inside for awhile, rocking the baby and thinking how perfect she felt in my arms. By the time I returned to the deck, the little girl was fast asleep.

I settled back down and sighed, "I love having a baby in the family again. It's so different with older girls. Even a few months ago, Maggie was a baby, but now…" I drifted off.

My sister studied me intently. "You know," she pointed to the two girls laughing in the grass, "you basically have three kids."

"Yeah?" It was true. We were a household of five, it was how we operated now. By then, being a mother of three was all but a way of life for me. I had three children, that's just how it was.

"So, you're talking as if you want another one," she said. I froze and stiffened, and Nancy caught it. She sat up quickly. "You do, don't you? Oh, my God, you want another baby!"

I glared at her, Sara could be home at any minute. "Will you keep you voice down?"

Her eyes widened at my confession. "Cath, that's crazy! You have _three_ already, what the hell are you going to do with a _fourth_ one? It's completely mental!"

"I know!" I sighed, "I know." Abbi squirmed in her sleep and I smiled down at her. "I just…" I watched Maggie play in the mud under our hammock while Ayla stood by, afraid to get dirty.

"You just….?"

I looked at her. "I have this feeling. I've had it since Sara and I got together. But at first things were new, and then they got complicated. And life managing three kids was…unmanageable. Life was crazy, and I could ignore the feeling. Now, though…life is a good crazy and things are more than manageable. And I see you with Abbi and Sydney with Grayson, I see mothers with their babies and I think, 'I want that again, that's where I'm supposed to be.' I don't know, I can't help it, I've tried to fight it but I can't." I shook my head, "But then I see the girls and Sara, and a part of me thinks we're a perfect family. But another part of me feels this void. I want another baby. It sounds crazy, but I know we're supposed to have another one. I can _feel_ it."

Nancy was quiet for a long time before she spoke. She furrowed her brow. "So, how would that work exactly? How would you, you know…chicken and the egg?"

A corner of my mouth twitched. "_I_ wouldn't. It's much safer for Sara to do it. As much as I would love to be pregnant again, I wouldn't risk the health of our child. And there would a sperm donor- anonymous, I think."

"Aha. And can Sara _feel_ that you're destined to be certifiably insane mothers of four?"

"No," I replied, sulkily, looking at Abbigail, "not yet."

"Well, don't you think you should share that information with her? It's not the kind of thing that you keep from your spouse. And I don't see how you could get her pregnant without her noticing. You have to tell her."

At that moment, the girls came running over. "Catherine?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Can we please have a popsicle?"

"Or two?" Maggie smiled impishly. I grinned at her enthusiasm.

"Why don't we wait for Sara and everybody? I bet by the time we get you guys into the shower and into some clean clothes, they'll be here."

"Okay."

"Okay!"

But when we returned to Nancy in the living room, Sara, Lindsay, and Jeremy had not returned. Maggie tiptoed over to where Nancy was watching over a sleeping Abbi.

"Aunt Nancy, I really like your baby."

"Thank you, I like her too."

Maggie had begun calling my sister 'Aunt Nancy' about three months before. For no reason, she just up and said it one day. And once Ayla had seen that her little sister was not getting in trouble over it, she picked it up as well. When I asked Nancy how she felt about it, she had just shrugged and waved a hand dismissively. "They might as well," she had said. "I see them just as often as I see Lindsey. It will probably make things easier." I was glad that, in some ways at least, Nancy seemed to be getting used to my new life.

"Umm, Aunt Nancy? Could I, maybe, umm, hold your baby? Like Lindsey? I won't break her, I promise." _Oh, how cute is that?_

But Nancy shook her head. "Maybe when she's a bit bigger, Maggie. I know you wouldn't mean to break her, but you could have an accident."

I saw my littlest girl put out her lower lip. Her chin began to tremble and tears threatened to fall. She looked at me with the saddest look of disappointment and utter despair and I couldn't take it; I could never take it. "Nance? If Maggie sat in my lap while I held Abbi, would that be okay?"

Nancy seemed to think about it, then nodded. Maggie's electric smile was worth about a million dollars.

When Sara came through the door, it was to see one of her daughters perched on my knee and another crowded over my shoulder, staring in amazement at the gurgling bundle in my arms. She came around the back of the couch to give me a kiss hello. Displays like this always made Nancy a bit uncomfortable, like if she couldn't see it, maybe her sister wasn't really a lesbian.

But Sara had taken to pretending she didn't notice my sister's discomfort. In fact, she seemed to go out of her way to find reasons to touch me whenever Nancy was around. I think she was fed up with it, and why shouldn't she be? I was entitled to kiss my girlfriend whenever I liked. Screw it. I leaned into the kiss.

"Hmm. You're all sweaty."

"Don't lie, you know you like it." She kissed the top of my head and rubbed my arm.

"Oh, absolutely. Yum. De-lic-ious."

"Look, Sara. Aunt Nancy let me hold the baby!"

I could feel Sara grin against my ear. "I see that. You're such a big girl."

Maggie scrunched her nose and giggled.

I looked fondly down at Abbi and then back to Sara, "Isn't she perfect?"

Sara kissed me and smiled, "She's beautiful." She pecked my lips. "I gotta go change. Jeremy and Lindsey want to go swimming. You girls want to come too?"

"We just took off our swimsuits," Ayla said, practically.

"Well, put them back on, silly!"

The girls laughed and ran upstairs to change.

I got another kiss on the temple. "I'd better go help Maggie with her suit."

"Hmm. She's getting pretty good at it, actually."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." At that moment, Abbi opened her eyes and gurgled up at Sara.

Sara smiled and touched the little girl's head lightly. "Hey, baby," she said simply. She half stood and rubbed my shoulders for a moment. "See you in a sec?"

I nodded. "Mhm. Love you."

Lips on mine. "Love you, too." Before my eyes had opened, she was gone.

I smiled and layback against the cushions.

"God," my sister exclaimed, surprising me.

"What?"

"You two are so healthy. I mean, three kids and you still treat each other like that."

I shrugged and repeated Sidney's phrase, "We may have three kids but we're still very much on our honeymoon phase. I cherish Sara everyday."

"Which is why you're hiding your little feeling from her?"

I sat up and handed the baby over, "I'm not hiding anything."

"So, you're going to tell her."

I sank back down, "I…I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? Catherine, listen. I'm not saying I think it's your best idea, but it obviously means a lot to you. And I'm not one to give relationship advice, but I will say this; Mitch and I wouldn't have made it through the first week if we had lied-"

"I am _not_ lying to her. I would never lie to her."

"Fine, you're not lying, you're just withholding important information; it amounts to the same thing, Cathy. You have to tell her."

I sighed, "I know, you're right." I touched Abbi's cheek. "You're right, I have to tell her."

"Tonight?"

I shook my head. "No. Sara works tonight, I don't want to distract her."

"Right, the precious career." Nancy rolled her eyes.

"Nance, c'mon. Sara and I-"

"Love your jobs, take them very seriously; you're finding justice for victims who can't speak for themselves. I've heard." She moved to sit beside me on the sofa. "So, tomorrow? After the girls are at school?"

My shoulders dropped. "I guess so. God, I hope she doesn't hate me."

"She won't." Nancy looked at me. "Will she?"

I made a face. "No. There isn't much that Sara really hates. But I honestly don't know how she'll react. We've never talked about this- at all. It's going to be totally out of left field for her. Maybe she won't hate me, but she could easily get upset." I put my head in my hand. "And I wouldn't blame her."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**HA! Weren't expecting that one, were you? Okay, Tiger87 was- sly dog you. You win my imaginary fanfic prize of the day! How did you know?**

**Alright, I want everyone to write and tell me which characters you'd like to see more of. The kids? The team? A stripper friend from the past qui aime les ménages a trois? You tell me and I'll see what I can do. Review!**


	27. Coming Together

**A/N: Hey, I getting 'em out pretty fast, huh? Alright, so this is, after twenty-six chapters, where I earn my M rating. How mad would you be if I said that there were four other sex scenes I didn't put in because I'm a chicken? But this one had to happen. So be nice, because I'm seriously stressing over this. Alright! Go!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Unlike Sara, I had the night off, and I got no sleep. It was just like Sydney said; I felt guilty. Guilty for asking this of Sara, for not being happy with what I had. Why wasn't I totally satisfied with the life we had built? It was a wonderful life, wasn't it? I never slept well at night anymore, but that night it was impossible. I went through half a book of sudoku, managed to chew up a perfectly good pen, and still I was no closer to knowing what to say.

"_Hey, honey? You know how some people, women mostly, get pregnant sometimes? Well, ya wanna try it? Could be fun."_

No.

"_Sweetie? Remember how we've given up the next fifteen years of our lives? That just doesn't seem like enough to me. How do you feel about twenty?"_

I don't think so.

I was still wracking my brain when Sara came home…two hours early. She collapsed into bed in her clothes and faced away from me without saying anything. I reached out to her shoulder but she shrugged away from my touch. "Babe?" I asked tentatively.

She heard the unspoken question and without turning over said, "It was a slow night. Grissom sent me home."

I thought about it. That was certainly plausible, Gil had been more than accommodating lately. But I sensed there was more. I knew better than to push her before she was ready, though. So I backed off. "Oh. Okay."

I let my disappointment leach into my tone just enough and she finally rolled over. For a moment her eyes were tense and nervous, but at my worried expression, she forced a smile. She reached out to touch my face. "You haven't been sleeping, have you?"

I shook my head. "I never sleep without you."

Something flickered in her eyes, but instantly it subsided. It happened so fast that if hadn't been Sara, I would have missed it. But I didn't. "Missed your human mattress, huh? Well, we can't have that."

She proceeded to strip down to her top and panties and join me in our bed. In our usual position, she wrapped her arms around me from behind and, slowly, I fell asleep, still not able to shake the guilt, but unable to fight the comfort of Sara's arms.

When I woke up, it was to a cold and empty bed. Putting on a robe and slippers, I went downstairs to find the usual breakfast chaos. I watched with a warm heart as the scene unfolded.

"Linds," Sara was at the counter with her head in cupboard, "I think we went through the fruit loops yesterday. Your Mom or I will pick up some up this week. Until then; Cheerios or Raisin Bran?"

Big dramatic sigh. "Cheerios. Can I have bananas in them?"

"Mhm." Sara got out the cereal, bowl, and milk, and let Lindsey handle the rest. "Okay, Ayla, honey, what'll it be?"

"Orange juice."

"And?"

"Yogurt."

"_And_?"

"Granola."

"That's my girl."

"Good Morning!" Maggie had spotted me and greeted me brightly. She was running around in her little pink undies and one of Sara's giant Harvard t-shirts.

I bent down, hoisted her onto my hip, and gave her a big kiss. "Maggie May, you are getting too big to be up here."

She poked my shoulder repeatedly, "Umm…what are you having for breakfast?" I knew the look in the eye.

"Maggie May," I warned, "you're not trying to steal half my grapefruit, are you?"

My happy child beamed, nodding vigorously. "And a pop tart."

I glanced at Sara who shook her head. She was the food police, not me. I'd let the girls eat ice cream three meals a day if they wanted, the pop tarts had been my investment. The girls knew better than to ask Sara for junk, whereas I could rarely say no to their pathetic little faces. I set Maggie back down. What Sara said ruled when it came to food. "How about half a grapefruit and some jelly toast?" I squatted down to pat her little girl tummy. "And you can have chocolate milk. How does that sound?"

As the girls sat eating their breakfast, Sara stood watching them intensely. I dropped my head onto her shoulder. I must have scared her because she tensed under me.

"We spoil them too much." Sara frowned.

I shook my head. "We just don't have enough time to spoil them more."

Sara moved out of my hold. "They're going to lose perspective. They won't know how the world really works."

I looked at her, alarmed. Something was wrong. My Sara would never say something like that. "No, they're going to grow up knowing they have parents who love and adore them." I held her wrist lightly. "Sara, no child should ever have to know how the world really works." Sara refused to meet my gaze. I held her jaw and pulled her back to me. I had no idea what was running through her mind. Her face was unreadable. "Babe? Talk to me."

But she shifted away. "Later."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

In the mornings, I dropped off Maggie while Sara took the older girls. In the afternoon, we switched. I liked starting my days with a bubbling Maggie, just as I enjoyed my Lindsey-Ayla time when I picked up the little chatterboxes. I dropped Maggie off cranky that morning. I hadn't played the alphabet game with her in the car, as was our usual, instead choosing to stare off into space at every stoplight.

Miss Maggie May had not liked it one bit. But I had other things on my mind, namely Sara. She had been genuinely upset at breakfast. About what? She'd said we'd talk about it later. I was beginning to think later would have to be as soon as we got home. Maybe my little announced was just going to have to wait. My drive back to the house was just as pensive as the one away from it.

When I pulled into the driveway I saw that Sara had beat me there, and a knot started to tie in my stomach. In the kitchen, the coffee was already made. Dropping my keys on the counter, I poured two cups and walked out onto the deck where Sara already sat. This had become a bit of a tradition with us; talk, drink coffee, shower, sleep. This was our peaceful, quiet time, just for us. Usually we talked about mundane things; work, the girls, money, the girls, dinner menus, and possibly the girls. But today, the air was different, Sara didn't turn around when I slid the door open, didn't lean in when I kissed her cheek.

"Thank you," she muttered as I handed her a cup. I took a seat beside her, but made no move to start the conversation. After long minutes of silence, she finally began. "I…I lied. It wasn't a slow night at the lab."

I tread carefully. "I never thought it was."

She sipped her coffee. "Grissom sent me home."

I blinked. Sara hadn't been sent home since we'd been together. I cleared my throat, "Why?"

She chewed her lip, thinking. "You know the Rawlins case?"

I nodded. "The one you, Nick, and War have been on for the last week?"

Sara ducked her head and placed her mug on the ground. "Yeah, well, we finally got enough probable cause for a warrant on the son's apartment. Warrick and Nick went to execute and I stayed to process. And we all know this cocky little bastard did it. Then, while I was waiting for something to work on, the sister comes in and starts defending her little jerk-off brother. She just wouldn't shut up and she was so wrong. He killed her parents for fuck's sake! There's a mountain of evidence. But she just kept going on and one. Finally, I snapped and yelled at her to shut the fuck up and get over her denial. And I'm not sorry I said it. Except that Grissom saw the whole thing. He got seriously pissed off, gave me a speech, and sent me home. That's it."

I sat back, exhaling. "Wow."

"Yeah." Sara sat back as well.

"Been awhile since that happened."

"Yeah."

We sat in silence for another minute before I broke down and asked, "What went wrong? Why'd you lose your cool today?"

She looked over, regarding me seriously. "I was distracted."

I frowned and shook my head in confusion. "Distracted? By what?" Usually she was so focused on her work.

Sara stood and leaned against a cornerstone, her arms crossed over her chest defensively. "Oh, I don't know," she scoffed. "Could be I was thinking about a certain big thing my girlfriend has been hiding from me and was planning to tell me at the end of shift." Her voice was a shade below angry.

"What?" I felt my stomach plummet as her words sunk in. _Shit. _ I shut my eyes tight. "You heard that?"

Her jaw hardened. "Every word."

I flinched at her expression. _Crap._ "…and?"

Her eyes flashed. "And I agree with Nancy; withholding the truth is the same as lying."

Setting my coffee down, I put my head in my hands. Disaster. "Not this time it's not. I'm not lying to you. It's thoughts, that's all; nothing but thoughts. Nancy guessed my thoughts and it is her opinion that I should talk to you about them. And Sydney's."

"Sydney? You talked to Sydney about it before me?"

_Walked right into that one._ "Ah! She guessed okay? We were girl-talking at the park and she guessed."

Sara didn't look convinced. "And both of them think you should tell me?"

"Yes."

She dropped her arms and stood in front of my seat. "So?"

I shut my eyes again. I wasn't ready for this. "So…what?" I stalled.

Sara sighed. "What do you mean, so what? Catherine, what is it?"

I winced. "It's complicated."

"Complicated?"

"Okay, not complicated." I stood up and started pacing the patio, hugging myself nervously. "It's just really hard to tell you."

"Maybe you could just say it really fast." Her anger seemed to be slipping away as she saw how terrified I was of telling her.

I shook my head.

"Could we talk it out?"

I shook my head.

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I…Could you sit down? It's easier for me to talk to you sitting down."

Sara obliged, picking up her coffee again.

"Okay, uh, let's see here…" I trailed off as my pacing became more frenzied. Where to start?

Sara was also looking more and more uncertain as she watched my frantic actions. "Cath," she began, "…this isn't anything to do with you and me, is it?"

I paused. It did involve both of us, though not in the way she probably meant. But my hesitance was enough to panic Sara.

"Is it…" She swallowed, "is it me? Did I do something or, or not do something? Are we…? Do you want to…?" She swallowed again. "I'm not about to lose you here, am I, Cath?"

I put my head in my hand. "Shit. This was so not how this was supposed to go." I came to kneel in front of her seat taking one of her hands in both of mine. "No," I soothed her, "no, baby, you're not gonna lose me, don't even think it." I reached up to touch her face briefly and I smiled weakly, trying to reassure her hopeful eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. This is nothing like that. It's just…I'm afraid of how you're going to react and I don't want to ruin everything and I'm afraid if I tell you…"

Sara nodded. She stood and pulled me to my feet. "Can we go inside? It's cold out here."

When we were settled in the living room, Sara on the sofa and me biting my thumbnail by the fireplace, Sara looked expectantly at me. She was clearly trying her best to be patient, but it was never really her strong suit. At best she managed to act restrained. "Just take your time."

I nodded, switching from biting my nail to my lip. Why was this so damn hard? "Okay, well…it's like this…" But I couldn't say it. "The thing is, I've been thinking about this for a while now…" _Stop being such a chicken shit, Catherine!_ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. _Okay. Calm down. You can do this. _I went over and sat beside Sara on the couch. Determinedly, I looked straight in her eyes. "Honey…I…I want another baby."

Silence.

Just complete and utter silence. She didn't blink, she didn't breathe, she didn't move a muscle. Nothing.

"Honey?"

She squeaked incoherently.

I cautiously put a hand on her knee. "Honey?"

Her eyes were wide where she stared at the coffee table. "Hmm?"

"Uh, I guess that wasn't exactly what you were expecting."

She shook her head mutely. After another minute of silence she looked over at me, incredulously. "You…you want another- a _fourth_ child?"

I ducked my head, "Yes."

She blinked for the first time in minutes. "Are you insane?!"

I bit my lip. "Very probably." My heart sunk. I hadn't really expected her to say yes, but the rejection hurt even worse than I thought it would.

Sara must have heard my disappointment because her expression softened a little. She covered my hand on her knee with her own. "Cath…why?"

I closed my eyes. "I don't know, I just…" I stopped, trying to collect my thoughts, "I know four is a lot of kids. And I know we just got settled and I know that the three we've got are wonderful. But I want a baby with you. I do. I want a chance to start from the beginning with you. I want you to know what it's like." I shook my head, "Maybe I am crazy. But I've been thinking about this since we got together."

Sara looked startled- even more startled. "Really?"

I nodded, "Off and on, yeah. And then a couple of months ago I talked to Sydney about Grayson and she could tell by how I looked at him that I missed having a baby to love." I met Sara's gaze, "And I know it's only been nine months, and that isn't very long. But…I love you. This isn't going anywhere, this is it for me. And I'm forty-one next month, so if it was ever going to happen, I had to bring it up now- I don't want to be more than sixty for a baby's graduation." My voice grew a bit desperate here. "It's just something I can feel, Sar. Lindsey's mine, she's ours, but she was mine first. Ayla and Maggie are your girls before they're mine. And a baby would bring us all together. A baby would be-"

"You and me." Sara bit her cheek. "I get it." She looked thoughtful for a long moment and then she regarded me. "I can see why you want a baby, babe. I understand it, I really do."

I could feel the disappointment mounting in my chest and an invisible chord was tightening around my throat. "But?" I asked, knowing what was about to come.

She shook her head, "But I can't, Catherine. I just can't. A baby is too much."

I shut my eyes. It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, I'd been expecting this from the start. I wasn't prepared for the pain that surged through me and the overwhelming feeling loss that followed. "Yeah," I whispered. "I thought you'd say something, like that." I swallowed. Meeting her gaze, I smiled tightly and wiped at one eye before the tear had chance to fall. "It's fine. I'll be okay." I stood up. "I, uh, need a minute."

"Cath-" she tried grabbing my wrist.

But I pulled out of her grasp. "I need to be alone right now, Sara. Try to understand that." And I disappeared up the stairs.

I cried. I shut the door, collapsed on the bed, and I sobbed. My brain kept screaming at me to pull myself together. Things would be okay. I still had Sara, and the girls, and that was enough. So I wasn't going to be a mother again. So what? The woman I loved didn't want it and I certainly didn't want to do it without her. So there. That was settled.

Except it wasn't. My head could say whatever it wanted to on the subject, but my heart ruled on this one. And my heart was in agony. I felt the loss of this child as if it had been a real person and not just a fantasy. I felt like my dreams had been torn apart. So I sobbed long and hard.

I'm not sure how long I cried before I heard the door open. I turned my back and tried to stifle my cries- maybe she would get the message. She didn't. Instead, she came to the bed and pulled me into her arms. She cradled me and rocked me, kissing my forehead and whispering sweet words. I tried to get away from her but she held me tight.

Eventually, I surrendered and buried my face in her hair. I tried to keep from crying, but nothing could have stemmed the flow, I wept just as hard as before, shaking us both with my wracking sobs. After a while I felt a second, softer vibration and I looked up. Sara was crying. Silently, rivulets of tears were streaming down her cheeks, her body shook slightly with effort of remaining quiet.

Worried, my tears immediately lessened. I reached out to wipe her tears away with a thumb. "What wrong?" I croaked.

She shook her head. "You're in pain and it's my fault. I hate that you're suffering. I _hate_ it."

I traced her lips with a finger. "This is my fault. I completely brought this upon myself. I should never have told you."

"No," Sara wrapped her arms around my middle and lay us down, spooning. "You should have told me, I'm glad you told me." She nuzzled my shoulder.

"Catherine? Can I tell you why I said 'no'?""

I shrugged noncommittally. I had stopped crying for the moment, but I wasn't out of danger of a relapse.

"It's important to me."

"Go ahead, then."

Sara was silent for so long before she started, I thought she had changed her mind. But finally, she sighed and spoke. "Thirty to fifty percent of child abuse victims go on to become child abusers themselves. Did you know that? That's the statistic. I always swore to myself that I would never be a parent, that I would never take that chance. But then Ayla was born and…I fell in love with her and Maggie. And then I fell in love with Lindsey and hopelessly in love with you."

Sara stopped there to kiss my neck once. I didn't acknowledge her. "But I was still afraid- I _am_ still afraid." Her voice tightened. "My grandfather used to beat my Dad unconscious. My mother's parents forced her to take drugs when she was only ten years old. And look how they turned out; they were monsters. I never want that to be me. Except that it's in my blood. I can feel it there. Every time I get angry or frustrated, it's there. And someday I'm going to lose control. So, I can't bring another baby into this house, Cath. I just can't."

I sat up. I saw a window of opportunity here, but I had to tread very carefully. "It's not in your blood, Sar. You know that. No gene has been isolated that encourages violent behavior. It's conditioning, it's your experiences and how you react to them."

Sara looked away from me.

I continued, "You know I'm right. Besides, if thirty to fifty percent of abused children become child abusers, then there's fifty to seventy percent that don't." Hesitantly, I lay a hand on her thigh. "You're in that seventy percent, babe."

Sara shook her head adamantly, shutting her eyes tight. "No! You don't know!" Her voice was getting louder. "You don't understand!"

Not liking being yelled at, I turned on the defensive. "Give me a little credit, Sara. Do you think I would let you within five miles of any one of our children if I thought for a second that there was even the slightest chance that you would lay a finger on them? You're not a monster, you just aren't."

"But I have these thoughts-"

"Thoughts when you're tired, hungry, angry and frustrated? Thoughts about crushing and tearing and inflicting pain- maybe even at the little pink-clad object of your frustration?" Sara looked somewhat taken aback at my vehemence. "Everyone has those thoughts, Sara! You can't control it, you can't! You're mad and you just want some peace and quiet and a flood of thoughts just rushes in. Everybody has them."

I waited until she looked at me. "Thoughts don't make you a bad person- it's what you do with them. And you would never act on those thoughts-" She tried to interrupt me but I pressed on, "no, listen. I know you wouldn't. You aren't one of those people who internalized their bad childhood and take it out on the world. You're just the opposite. You've taken your experiences and made them your own. They don't control you. You spend your life helping people and loving people- and being loved by people. That's not how a monster lives."

She looked uncertain.

I lay back down, facing her. "You could never hurt our girls, Sara." I hesitated. "And you could never hurt our baby."

I saw her mouth the words 'our baby', and then a silence stretched between us for long minutes. I just snuggled up to her chest and let her think.

Finally, she shifted under me until she had flipped our positions and she was looking into my eyes. The she kissed me deeply, nipping my lip and thrusting her tongue alongside mine. When she drew back, we were both short of breath.

I looked questioningly at her and she kissed me again, chastely this time. "I love you," she whispered, by way of explanation.

Still puzzled, I nodded. "I love you, too."

"You always know exactly what to say to make me feel better."

I shook my head, "I just say what I think, and it always happens to be what you need to hear."

She smiled lightly, "Maybe that's why you're so perfect for me- you don't even have try."

"Could have something to do with it."

Sara pulled me to a sitting position and took my hands in hers. "Cath, a baby…a baby is a really big decision. And I can't make it in one day. I'm still nowhere near ready to make such a big commitment. Not because of you but because of my own insecurities." She squeezed my hands and regarded me with a troubled expression on her face. "Give me some time to think about it. Okay? I…I understand why you want this, and I can see the good things. But I can't promise anything. Just give me a little time."

My heart soared. I had a chance.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It was unbelievably hard not to constantly ask Sara about the baby. Every morning I would wake up thinking that this would be the day she'd tell me. But the day didn't come. Valentine's day passed, my birthday went by, then Lindsey's birthday, until it had been more than two months and April, and Ayla's birthday, were fast approaching. I gave up. I figured that Sara hadn't wanted make me cry again, so she let me down lightly. It wasn't going to happen.

I got home late from dropping off Maggie one day because I had to drop off the dry cleaning and restock at the pharmacy. Figuring Sara was already in bed, I headed upstairs. Sara wasn't there. I changed out of my suit and into sweats and tee, then I went back downstairs in search of my lady love.

"Sara?" I called from the kitchen.

"Out here." Her voice came from the deck.

I found her reclining in a chair, still dressed in jeans and a tank top, hands around a steaming cup of coffee. Mine was waiting for me on the table. "What's going on? I thought you'd be in bed by now. You didn't need to wait for me."

She smiled and stood, setting her coffee beside mine. She came to stand in front of me. "I know. But I wanted to." She reached in her back pocket and produced a small, rectangular, blue velvet box.

My eyes widened. "What's this for?" I quickly ran through dates in my head trying to figure if I'd forgotten an anniversary or something. Nothing came to mind.

Sara handed me the box. "No reason. Just because I can."

I stared at the box.

"Go ahead, open it."

Slowly, I lifted the lid, and then gasped. "Sara…"

The necklace was a simple silver chain, but on it…wow. Three medium-sized deep blue stones each with a smaller teardrop blue stone hanging below it. And around each stone were dozens of tiny diamonds. It was exquisite. I looked up at Sara. She was grinning.

"Honey, this must have cost you a fortune." I knew jewelry, and this was easily the most expensive piece I had ever had.

Sara shrugged, "So what? You deserve it. Oh, before I forget…" She delved into her front pocket and came back with another, smaller, blue velvet box and opened it. "There's matching earrings."

I reached out for the box. "Oh, my God."

"They're blue topaz. Like 'em?" Sara bounced on heels, clearly pleased with herself.

"They're beautiful." I took a step forward into her arms and kissed her. "Thank you."

My workout pants and tank didn't exactly go with my new jewels, so the boxes were carefully closed and set aside. Taking my coffee, I moved to grass, knowing Sara would follow. She did, wrapping her arms around my waist, setting her chin on my shoulder. I reclined in her embrace, content to enjoy the moment.

"You know," Sara said slowly, "a baby would change everything."

I stiffened, nearly spilling my coffee. Was this is it? Were we finally going to talk this out? "I know."

"And that's assuming we get pregnant- it's a quite a process."

Draining my coffee, I dropped my mug to the grass and turned in Sara's arms. I tried to read her expression, but she was making the Sara face, which meant I had no idea what she was thinking. "I know."

"And you're sure this is something you want to do? We can't change our minds once we decide to do this."

My eyes lit. "We?"

Sara gave me a crooked smile and then an out and out grin. "Catherine?" She put both hands on my hips and pulled me into her. Then she bent forward and whispered in my ear, "Would you have a baby with me?"

I exhaled a breath I had been holding for the last two months and smiled. I was willing myself not to cry. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. I told you I needed time to think about it. Well, I thought about it. At first I was really afraid, for a lot of reasons; my family, myself, being pregnant- it really freaked me out." She kissed me but she could not wipe the smile off my face. "But then I remembered Ayla and Maggie as babies, and I saw Lindsey's baby pictures, and I thought about you and what it would be like to raise a baby with you. And I don't know, all of a sudden I was seeing babies everywhere. And now…I'm still a bit afraid, particularly about the giving birth part, but I also know that I want this chance with you. You're my soul mate, Cat. I know that sounds corny, but it's true. And I wouldn't want to have a baby with anyone but you."

Okay, I was crying now. Crying and laughing. I threw my arms around Sara's neck and kissed her clumsily.

She laughed into my lips. "I'm not going anywhere, hon. Slow down."

But I was determined and, once I gained my footing, the real kissing commenced. "I love you," I whispered when we pulled apart.

She squeezed me tight. "I love you, too. So much." And we just stood there in each other's arms for several minutes until Sara stepped back a pace. "Cath, there is one condition to doing this, though."

I frowned, "Okay."

She moved forward and lay a hand on my abdomen. "If I'm having anybody's baby, it sure as hell better be yours."

I let the words sink in. "But- oh, really? You want to- with my eggs? In you?" The possibility was oddly arousing and my voice kept catching in my throat.

"Mhm." I could feel her nuzzle my neck, nipping and kissing softly. "Sorry, it's just, the thought of you…" Her voice was ragged, "a part of you, growing inside me…it just does something to me. For me." She bit my pulse point none too gently.

I closed my eyes and let out a low moan. In the middle of our backyard. In the middle of the day. "Oh, my god, Sara." Clearly it did something for me, too. But I pushed her back a pace, trying to clear my head, "So, are we really going to do this?"

Sara grinned, "Do what? Have a baby? Or go make love on the trampoline?"

My eyes shifted to the right, staring at the trampoline. Oh Jesus. My desire for her shot up about six levels, "Uhh…either, both. No, wait, one at a time. Potentially life changing one first. Are we going to try to have a baby?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I think sex on a trampoline could be fairly life changing, but in answer to your question- yes. Catherine Willows, I would love to have a baby with you."

I beamed. "Sara, you've just made me the happiest woman in the world."

"Wait 'til we get on that trampoline…" She bit her lip.

"God, you can't stop, can you?"

"Did you know that after the first trimester, many women find they have an increased sex drive?"

I looked around jokingly, "Well then, we need to get you to a doctor and knocked up quick."

She laughed and then kissed me deeply, passionately, "I am so in love with you."

We were both breathing heavily, "God, I love you. More than anything."

I found that I had unconsciously been pushing Sara back and her thighs hit the side of the trampoline. I couldn't help but giggle. Thank god we had a fenced in yard. Kissing me, Sara moved her hands under my shirt to run her fingers over my bra. I arched into the contact. I bit her lip lightly and groaned as her soft touches became nails in my skin. "Sara…"

There was a deep chuckle. "That's what you get," she whispered into my mouth.

I hummed my agreement and bit her lip again, harder this time. She growled and pulled my tank top up over my head. I leaned back and undid my own bra, for the sake of time. "We've got to hurry," I muttered as Sara's mouth came down on my neck. "Nancy's coming by at eleven."

Sara grunted her acknowledgement and then again when I squeezed her ass tightly. It turned out to be a bad move, because Sara's instinctual reaction was to bite down on the soft skin over my pulse point. It would definitely leave a mark, and you can't wear turtlenecks in Las Vegas without raising suspicion.

Sara's hands came up to massage my bare breasts, and my eyes snapped shut. My hands came around front to start fidgeting with herzipper. Leaving it unzipped, I moved up and under her blouse, running my fingertips over her ribs- something that drove her crazy. I progressed slowly towards her breasts, too slowly for her taste, apparently, because she began to squirm. Much to her disappointment, I withdrew. "Buttons," I murmured.

Understanding, Sara began to rapidly help me with the buttons of her top.

When her top was gone, I began working on her jeans in earnest. When they were down to her ankles, I got a little surprise. "Commando?" I smirked into our kiss.

"I had ten minutes to get dressed." Sara flicked both my nipples and then stifled a laugh at my squeak.

I paid her back by forcing a hip between her legs and straight to her center. Grinding against her and thoroughly enjoying the guttural noises she was producing, I licked the shell of her ear, whispering, "That's what you get."

Without warning, Sara pulled at the elastic waistband of my pants; they dropped to the ground. Sara quirked an eyebrow, playing with the waistband of my panties. "Mesh thong to drive the kids to school? Bad girl, Mommy."

"It was on the top of the drawer. At least I'm wearing underwear."

Sara began to kiss me deeply, her tongue gliding over mine. At the same time, she twisted us until I was the one against the metal bar. Taking the backs of my thighs, she easily hoisted me until I was seated on the trampoline. Smiling wickedly, I scooted back so that I was in the middle and waited as Sara lifted herself up. On our knees, we kissed, softly. Steadily, Sara fell back, bringing me with her, until she was laying down with me easily draped over her hips. I leaned over, kissing her chest and the tops of her breasts. I felt her watching me and sat up.

She pulled me back down. "God, Cat, you make me so…" her breath was labored, "you're so…" Unable to find the words, she took my wrist and guided me down to her wetness.

I groaned. "Sara…" I kissed her passionately, dipping into her folds with one hand as the other held up my weight. I shift my weight so that I was straddling one firm thigh. I refrained from entering Sara, instead choosing to make her wait.

She found her revenge by way of my breasts. Her familiar hands knew exactly how to touch me, to have me arching and moaning. After a few minutes of teasing, neither of us had much will power left. Sara begged first. "Jesus, Cath, please…" She reached up and tugged one nipple, just a bit harder than she had before. It did me in.

Slightly aggressively, I thrust two fingers directly into her. Her yell of lust only spurred me on. Her eyes snapped shut but her hands shifted me so that my wetness rested upon her thigh. She thrust her leg up and into me with force. I had to bite back a scream.

"Come with me." She whispered as she began to move her leg steadily beneath me.

Taking my cue from her I began to rock gently against her leg as I inserted a third finger into her and began to work her clit.

As we began to move more urgently, she took my right nipple between her fingers and tugged hard. I let out a very loud yell, but spared no thoughts to the neighbors.

"Ask me, Cat." Sara's eyes were heavy lidded, her face a tight grimace of desire. "Ask me."

We had played verbal games before, but this was not one I knew, "Ask you what, love?" I finally forced a fourth finger into her. I didn't do it often; only when we were like this and the passion and adrenalin would erase any pain.

"Oh, God, yes." She jerked up as I stretched her. "Cat, ask me." She said again, "Ask me to…have your baby."

Just the words were enough to send me up the incline. "Oh, Sara." I didn't hesitate. I leaned down to whisper in her ear, quickly thrusting in and out of her with my hand, grinding my heat deep into her thigh. We were nearly there. "Have my baby, my darling; feel me in you, my love. Please, I want my baby to grow inside you."

"Ah, Cat, yes. Keep going harder, keep talking."

"I want to see you," I whispered, my voice dripping with desire, shoving deep inside her, as deep as I could go. My eyes were shut tight now; I was so near the edge. "I want to see you swollen for me, Sara," I delighted in her moan; I dimly remembered to curl my fingers into her the way she liked. "Have my baby, Sara, feel it. Oh, god, I need you." And I was there, we both were, "Do it for me, Sara. Give this to me. Have my baby."

And it was like chant as I felt the waves of orgasm crashing over me and seconds later Sara was screaming out my name. My wetness seeped down her leg as I collapsed above her, leaving my fingers deep inside her.

"Oh my God." I whispered.

"That was…" Our breathing was heavy and staggered.

"Amazing."

"Incredible."

"I think I may have died for a minute and come back."

"White light?"

"Yeah."

"Me, too."

I grinned, pulling myself from inside her, "Really?"

"Yeah."

I kissed her softly.

"You meant what you said." She whispered. It wasn't a question.

"Every word, baby." I leaned down to kiss both breasts and then to kiss her abdomen. "I love you. I love our daughters. And I love our baby."

Sara grinned, the hazel flecks in her eyes overly pronounced after orgasm she ran a hand through my hair, "Our baby."

"Our baby."

"I love the sound of that."

"Me, too."

We kissed lazily for a moment before gathering our things. While Sara took a shower, I went out into the back yard to hose and soap down the trampoline.

We made a plan to talk to the kids about our idea after dinner that night. The office, we decided, could wait to hear the news until after Sara was pregnant. No need to jinx it after all. I did, however, tell Nancy while Sara was picking up the girls, and I heard her telling Larry and Tim when I was making dinner that evening.

Nancy's response was one hundred percent supportive, but she did say that she wasn't letting my nephew near the trampoline ever again. I told her I washed it with disinfectant but she just laughed telling me that that was decidedly not the point.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**So? Review. That's all I got on that front. Just do it. Happy writers equal faster writers.**

**I wanted to say sorry if the baby talk thing was a serious turn off. I think it's hot. When the woman of my dreams is having my baby, I am going to be so over the moon. I will walk up to complete strangers and be like 'This is my wife! And look, she's having our baby.' And stuff like that. So, sorry if it freaked you out, but it was the premise for the whole sex thing.**

**Review! Review! Review!**


	28. Preparations

A/N: Hello my lovelies

**A/N: Hello my lovelies! I am SO sorry it has taken me this long to update. In my defense, I had the worst writer's block on the planet and I just could not get through it.**

**This update is a little short, and serves no real purpose plot-wise, except that I thought you would want an update sooner rather than later. So, here it is.**

**By the way, this update is devoted entirely to Trekkie101 for getting me off my ass and feeding me inspiration, and also to Rach5 and ****CSISVUTWFBgurl for their fantastic and much needed support. Thank you!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Uh, hey, Cath?" Sara called to me from her spot at the computer. We were supposed to be analyzing evidence on a B&E, but…we got bored.

"Mmm?" I wheeled my stool to lean over her shoulder.

"Have you researched this properly? I mean, do you know how it works?"

"Umm…yeah, you know, I've looked into it. I know the basics, why?"

"Well, I've been google-ing. The whole in vitro process is divided into two procedures, the egg retrieval and the embryo transfer."

"And?"

"Well, I've actually done the egg retrieval thing, that's the part you'll be doing. I did it for Matt and Warren, for Ayla and Maggie's eggs."

"That's right. So what's it like?"

"It's not so bad. But you have to take a month of shots before we can actually do the whole retrieval part."

"What?"

"Yeah, you have to have self-administered injections of this drug called Lupron."

"Injections?" I shuddered. I hate needles.

"Yeah."

"What about you?"

"Well…it says online that I just have to take hormone supplements, but then there's that whole carrying another person around inside of me for nine months."

"Right. Hey, you know, we still have to ask the girls if they're okay with this."

"You think they won't be?" Sara leaned back to rest her head on my shoulder.

I shook my head. "I have no idea. Linds always wanted a big family. But now that she's got one, I wonder if she'll still want more."

Sara nodded. "If you ask me, Ayla's going to be harder to convince. You know how practical and critical she gets."

"Hmm. Maggie will be easy. She's so in love with Abbie, you just know she'll go for having a baby of her own." I kissed Sara's cheek lightly.

She laughed. "Can't you just see Maggie with a baby? How cute is that?"

I smiled at the thought. "It's going to be perfect." Sara turned her head to touch noses with me, she was grinning. "I'm so happy we're actually doing this."

At that moment, a machine beeped across the room and drew our attention back to the case. Later, on the way home, our conversation continued. It seemed now that we had made the decision, the baby was all we could talk about.

"We need to choose a clinic and doctors, to handle the in vitro and then the pregnancy."

Sara turned on her signal as she made a left onto our street. "Uh-huh. For the OBGYN part, I'd just as soon as use my own doctor. I trust her, I know her. I don't really like the idea of breaking in someone new."

I nodded, "Okay, we still need someone for the in vitro. I've been looking online, there are only two reputable clinics in Vegas, but even they seem a bit seedy."

Sara raised her eyebrows at me as she pulled into the driveway. "San Francisco has quite a few."

I blinked. "Is that an option?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, I don't see why not."

"Hmm." I looked at my watch. Traffic had been slow and we needed to get the girls fed, dressed, and on their way. "Okay. Let's look into it. Are we telling the girls tonight?"

"I think we should, don't you?"

I agreed, "Absolutely. They should be in the loop on this. I think it's important to make them feel as included as possible."

"Me too." Sara leaned over to kiss me as she unbuckled her seat belt. She smiled wide. "Love you."

I smiled back. "Love you, too."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I watched Sara help Lindsey finish her homework while Ayla, Maggie, and I worked on a diorama for Ayla's class project. She lifted a hand to wave at me but didn't look up. I smiled. Half an hour later we had our girls lined up on the sofa. They looked at us expectantly. Lindsey was all curiosity,

"What's going on? Are we getting a puppy?"

"Ooh! A puppy! I want a puppy." Maggie's eyes were big and adorable.

"Umm…no," I said, "We are _not_ getting a puppy."

"What then? Are we moving? Can Ayla and I have bunk beds?"

"I want the top." Ayla announced.

"No, we're not moving." Sara said.

"Not yet, anyway." I added.

"So what is it?"

"Are me and Maggie adopted yet?"

"Yeah! What is it? Are we adopted yet?"

"Not yet," I smiled, pleased to know it was so important to them.

"Actually," Sara spoke, "We were wondering what you guys thought about becoming big sisters."

Silence.

"We wanted to know how you would feel about having a baby brother or sister."

Lindsey was very suspicious, "Are you pregnant?" she asked me.

"No, Linds."

Lindsey turned to Sara, "Are you?"

Sara grinned, "Not yet."

"We wanted to run it by you guys first. See what you thought. How do you feel about having a baby in the house?"

There was a brief silence followed by a sudden uproar.

"Can we play with it?"

"Do we have to change diapers?"

"I want a brother."

"We'll have to move, you know, I'm not sharing my room with a baby."

"Yeah, can we make it a boy?"

"Can we play dress up?"

"If we're _really_ responsible with a brother, can we have a puppy?"

"Ooh! I want a puppy and a brother!"

"Do I get paid to baby-sit?"

"When do we get our brother?"

"I want one now!" Maggie looked sheepish at the sudden childish outcry, "And a puppy." She added, just for good measure.

I took Sara's hand, we both relaxed. We could handle this, no problem. Deep breath.

"Yes, you can play with it, but not right away."

"Linds, you only get paid to baby-sit if you change diapers."

"We can't guarantee a boy, but I think it would be fun either way."

"We know that we'll have to move eventually. No one gets bunk beds- broken arms are not happening."

"Dress up has to wait until the baby is a little bigger."

"It will probably take at least a year for the baby to come."

At the same time we both looked at the girls, "And no puppy."

I smiled at Sara; we made a pretty good team.

"What about after we move?" Lindsey pressed.

Momentarily exhausted, I answered, "We'll see." Just as Sara did.

When we were putting her to bed that night, Ayla spoke up. "I have a question about the baby."

"Okay. What is it, sweetie?"

"Are you going to do it like Daddy and Papa did with Maggie and me? And have another lady grow the baby in her belly?"

I glanced at Sara perched on the other side of the bed. "No, honey, Sara is going to have the baby."

"Why?" Maggie asked from her bed across the room.

Sara smiled. "See, only women can carry babies in their stomachs. So babies with two daddies have to come from another woman's belly. But if a baby has two mommies or a mommy and a daddy, then usually one of the mommies has the baby."

"But not always."

"Nope. Not always."

Ayla hesitated. "Is a baby going to take up all of your time?"

"What?" I asked, surprised.

"I read in a book that new babies can disrupt balance in families."

I rubbed her shoulder. "Where did you read that?"

"In one of Aunt Molly's books. It said that youngest children take up the most time and get the most attention. I don't think I want a baby if it's going to take you away even more than work does."

I sighed and stroked her hair, "Honey, that's not going to happen."

"It could," she said stubbornly.

"It could," I agreed, "but it won't."

"Does Maggie get more attention?" Sara asked. "Does she take up more of our time than either you or Lindsey? She's the youngest right now."

Ayla seemed to think for a moment and then shrugged, "I guess not. She used to though, when she was a baby."

I nodded. "Babies do take up a lot of time, because they are so little and they can't do anything by themselves. But that's only for a little while. Look at Maggie now, she's the best little sister ever, right?"

Ayla smiled, "Right."

"And even if we have to pay a little extra attention to a baby for a while, we'd never forget about you or your sisters. We love you to pieces, okay?" Sara tickled our little girl lightly and she giggled.

"Okay."

"So is a baby still okay?"

Ayla nodded and yawned.

"Uh-oh. Looks like somebody's getting sleepy."

"Time for bed kiddo."

Ayla didn't even try to fight it. "Okay. Goodnight, Catherine. Goodnight Sara." She closed her eyes. As an afterthought, she added, "Goodnight, baby."

I beamed at Sara. "Goodnight, baby." I mouthed.

"Goodnight, baby!" called an exuberant and very awake Maggie.

"Bedtime, Maggie May. Mags, where did your pajamas go?"

So, for now, the girls seemed excited about a baby. I knew it would be different throughout the pregnancy and after the baby arrived. I knew there would be a time when a fifteen year-old Lindsey would not be grateful for a three year-old sibling. But for now, we had gotten safely over that bump in the road, which left us free to move forward.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

A few days later, I overheard Sara getting off the phone in the living room. Making my presence known, I insinuated myself into her lap, curling up with my arms around her neck. "Who was that? Sounded like Maureen."

Sara smiled softly. "It was. I just called her to talk about…clinics."

"In vitro clinics?"

"Uh-huh." She reached around me to grab a handful of popcorn off the end table.

I cocked my head to one side. "Would Mo know about in vitro clinics?"

Sara shook her head. "Not really, but she knows San Francisco. And a few of our mutual friends have done in vitro since I left, so she's going to look into it for me. Get us a couple of names. She's totally psyched about the baby news, by the way."

"Hmm, me too. So, how exactly would this whole doctor in San Francisco thing work exactly? I thought you said I had to take shots for a month."

"You do. But I think that a lot of couples use out of state doctors for this sort of thing. I'm not really sure how it works. What do you say we go down for a day next week and talk to a couple people?"

"And get my sister to watch the kids?"

"Or your Mom, if she'll take them. We won't even be gone a full twenty-four hours, so it's really just dropping them off and picking them up from school."

"And you trust my mother to do that?"

"Sure. Why not? She raised two kids."

"Raised isn't exactly the word I'd use for it."

"Well, somebody did a fantastic job." She grinned.

I ran a hand through her hair, "Always the charmer, Sidle."

"You know it."

"Alright, let's go to San Francisco. You're right. Mom can handle the girls for one day."

The following week, Maureen had gotten back to us with two names and we managed to get the same night off without giving anything away to Grissom. As luck would have it, Joey had turned forty-two that past weekend, and his party was the night we were planning to fly in. So we weren't entirely lying to Gil when we told him that we told we were going for a friend's birthday.

We left right after the girls were home from school. It was hard to leave them, especially since it was the first time we were leaving Ayla and Maggie on there own since their dads had died, and I hadn't left Linds since the year before- the first time I went to San Francisco with Sara.

The flight was uneventful and quick. Mostly Sara and I just discussed what we knew about the two doctors we were going to meet. We knew from Maureen, that both doctors had helped friends of hers who were in same sex relationships, and we knew that one couple had done what we wanted to do, using one woman's eggs and having the other woman carry. We had appointments with both doctors for the following day.

Larry and Tim met us at the airport baggage claim with outstretched arms and wide smiles.

"Oh, my goodness, it's Carol and Carol Brady!" Tim exclaimed as he took us in his arms. "Just look at the mommy brigade! Catherine, you look fantastic! Are moms allowed to wear painted-on jeans and fuck me boots?" He waved a hand. "You've already caught your mouse, honey, give another cat a chance."

"Mouse? Whose supposed to be the mouse in this scenario?" Sara nudged Tim's arm. "How've you been? Mind helping me with the bags? Cath packed enough to last a month."

"What? I want to make the right impression on the doctors, and for that, I need options." I turned to a pair of sparkling blue eyes in a warm, familiar face, "Larry." I held open my arms.

Larry took one of my hands and kissed me lightly on the fingertips. "My dear Lady Catherine." He smiled, "I see things have changed quite a bit since last we met."

I looked over to Sara loading the bags into the car and grinned back at the older man. "You could say that."

His smiled widened. "I'm glad. And you'll have to tell me all about it when we get back to the house. I've got a roast in the oven for us carnivores. The _grazers_ can have Tim's Burmese tofu and snow peas." He made a face and I laughed.

After an early dinner, Sara and I rendezvoused out on the terrace, watching the sun go down. I wrapped my arms around her and rested my hands on her flat stomach.

She tilted her head to the breeze and inhaled the sea air. "It's good to be back."

"I missed this place," I agreed, nuzzling her neck. "It's so beautiful. And something about the sea…just calms me. It reminds me of you."

"Me?" She looked down and over at me.

I nodded. "With all it's colors and tides and winds and changing skies. It's like you. You can be a thousand different ways, but you're always perfect to me. I feel at home here, by the sea. I feel at home with you."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"That was deep."

"I know. Don't know where it came from."

She kissed me lightly and pulled me in front of her. "It was beautiful. You're beautiful."

I laughed, "Don't you start."

Sara hummed and kissed the shell of my ear. "What time is it?"

"Nearly seven-thirty. We should start getting ready for the party."

"Hmm." Sara agreed half-heartedly. After a moment, she murmured, "Five more minutes."

The party was at Ducky's again, and, according to Sara, these things had a tendency to get a little wild. So, I went all out and wore a silver satin halter top and a black skirt that flowed down to my knees with one giant slit up the thigh. The outfit fell over my body like water. I wore the necklace and earrings Sara had given me the week before. She just about died when she saw me, which was sort of the point. She looked fantastic tight jeans and skin-tight black tank top. The top exposed an inch of her skin and I couldn't help but tease it as we walked into the bar.

It was just as I remembered it, complete with laughing crowd and loud music. This time around, however, I recognized some of the faces, just as they seemed to recognize me. I nodded and smiled as Sara took me by the hand and led me toward the bar. I remembered the last time we did this. Masquerading as a couple, unaware that the next few hours would change our lives forever.

And now? Now, we were a family, as much a part of each other's lives as the air we breath. Now, we had three daughters and a life together that I never could have imagined. I was confident enough in myself and my life that I swaggered as we approached the familiar crowd gathered around the bar.

"Catherine! Sara! You made it." Maureen came up and wrapped her arms around me.

I returned the hug. I liked that we could be friends like this. Even with Sara and my new life, I still didn't have many girl friends I could just hang out with. Over the last few months, Maureen and I had exchanged regular emails and phone calls, and I now felt safe calling her my friend, not just Sara's. "Did you think we weren't coming?"

"Well, you're a half hour late and both your phones went straight to voicemail."

"Blame Miss Manolo Blahnik here," Sara put an arm around my waist. "She must have tried on eight pairs of shoes."

I looked down at my feet. "But I got the right ones."

Maureen waved at my body, "You look fantastic." She touched my necklace, "This is beautiful. Nice ice."

I grinned, "Gift." I gave a side-long glance at Sara.

"Anniversary?"

Shook my head. "Just because."

Maureen raised her eyebrows, "Maybe she could talk to Joe. Teach him a thing or to about the way to a woman's heart."

"Undying affection and loyalty?"

"Diamonds."

"Ah."

"Speaking of Joe," Sara leant in to be heard over the music, "where is the birthday boy?"

"Over with Duck, around the other side. You know, I thought drinking games went out in college." Mo rolled her eyes.

"It's what happens when you can escape the vows of parenthood for a night; it goes straight to your head." Mo nodded her agreement.

Sara kissed my cheek, "Do you mind if I go see the boys?" Her eyes were so hopeful and cute.

Leaning back, I reached into her back pocket and took the keys. "Now, go. I'm designated driver tonight."

Her eyes flashed with appreciation and she kissed me again, "Thanks, babe."

I turned back to Mo. "C'mon," she said, placing a guiding hand on my back. "let's go chitchat with the girls. There's a few you haven't met, I think."

There were quite a few I hadn't met yet, as it turned out. Dani was an architect from Seattle with two kids and a house in Palo Alto. Tillie was a few years older that me, divorced, and a bit of a character. Marianne owned a bookstore with her partner Jeanette. They had a three year old daughter who was conceived via in vitro fertilization.

"Yeah, I heard you two lunatics want _another_ one," Gina put in loudly, smiling. Gina was someone else who I had kept in touch with, we had gotten along so well when we first met. I knew her well enough by now to know when she was just joking around.

"How many kids do you have now?" Marianne inquired.

I reached into my pocketbook to retrieve a photo. I showed it off like any proud mother. "We have three daughters. Lindsey, the tallest, is eleven, Ayla is almost eight, and Maggie is four and a half."

"And you want another one? Wow." Jeanette looked stunned.

"Well, Lindsey's mine from my previous marriage, and Sara is the other girls' mother, biologically. We just want one more to complete the picture. We've got the space, we've got the love," I shrugged. "It just fits."

The other women nodded at this explanation and the conversation moved on to other things. It was funny. All of these women were dressed well, drinking beer, and nodding their heads to loud music. For all intents and purposes, this was an exciting party. But what did we talk about? Mortgage payments. Long shifts and longer headaches over minor details. Carpool. Stain removers. Not kinky sex, not drugs, not abusive ex-boyfriends, certainly not DB's and print powders. Mostly we talked about our kids and our significant others.

It wasn't exactly the wild scene I had been anticipating. I'm not sure what I'd been imagining. But this was a night out on the town for us. We were adults, with adult problems and adult solutions. Even after Linds was born, I had been known to have one too many and a cab ride home at an ungodly hour. I only took life seriously when I had no other choice. But something had changed.

Months ago, I would have thought I had nothing in common with these women. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to be friends with them. As far as I was concerned, they were the enemy- women who apparently had life under control and were actually getting where they wanted to go. Maybe I thought that my past set me apart from them and their perfect lives.

Now, though, I identified with them. I could relate to them, talk with them, laugh with them. I was growing up. At forty-one years old, my life was finally falling into place. And I understood what that meant. Not perfection, just contentment and love. And it felt damn good.

After a while, the men and Sara drifted over, bringing with them my two favorite people; Charlotte and Vicki. Denny had a friendly arm around both Charlotte and Sara, and they were laughing loudly. When Charlotte saw me, she calmed considerably. Sara noticed and came to stand behind me, pulling me to her with her hands on my hips. What was that? Was she staking her claim? Taking my side? Whatever it was, I was glad for her warmth at my back, even if I was already sweating in the overcrowded room.

"Charlotte." I kept my voice even.

"Catherine." Her tone was equally flat.

I felt a squeeze at my hip and, with the best polite smile I could muster, said, "It's good to see you again. How've you been?"

Joey came up behind Charlotte, grabbing her wrist and thrusting her left hand into my face. "How do you think she's been? The damn girl's gettin' hitched!"

And sure enough, there was a gold band on her ring finger, complete with perfect square cut diamond. I smiled genuinely at her, "Congratulations. Is this the same guy you were with last year?"

"Paul, yes."

"Well, that's just great."

She smiled thinly, "Thank you. I hear that you and Sara have a little news as well."

Denny came up, pulled Sara out from behind me. "Yeah, we heard about babe numero quatro; that's insane. Very cool, but very insane. I've just got one, and I don't know how I survive."  
"By letting Lara do all the heavy lifting." Maureen threw at him. Lara, Denny's wife, who had been pregnant on our last visit to San Francisco, had given birth to a baby girl a six months before. From the pictures I'd seen, she was gorgeous.

"Hey, I change diapers." He made muscles with both arms, "I am a manly man."

Joey laughed and slapped his friend on the back, "Way to be, man."

Maureen looked at her watch, "Okay, who wants cake? Better yet, who wants to help me serve the cake?"

So we cut the music and got everyone's attention long enough to sing Joey 'Happy Birthday,' and then we went about cutting the cake. Gina, Vicki, and I all volunteered to help Maureen with cake distribution, so I was busy for about a half hour. When I came back for more cake, there was almost none left. At the same time, Vicki returned with an empty tray. She shrugged and picked up two of the last plates and handed one of the slices to me before starting to eat. I took a fork and followed her example.

"So, I guess you and Sara are doing alright, then?" she asked, and she actually seemed interested.

I decided to play nice, since she didn't appear to have any other agenda besides casual inquiry. "We're doing great, the girls are great, our family is great."

She nodded, "Good."

After a pause, I asked, "How about you?"

"I'm good. I got a job as an adjunct professor at the community college, teaching French literature. It's not what I always wanted to do, but it works; it's a paycheck. And I'm seeing another professor, he's cool. Teaches peace studies."

I looked at her. This was a different young woman than the one I'd met before. She was balanced. She had a life. I took in her appearance and realized that she did seem a lot happier. I smiled. "Good, I'm glad."

She returned my smile.

At that moment, Sara approached me. "Hey. We promised we'd call to say goodnight. Wanna head outside? It's too loud in here."

I nodded at her and turned back to Vicki as I put my empty plate on the table. "I guess I'll see you later."

She smiled and nodded and I turned to take Sara's hand and follow her out the door. _Did we just call a truce? I think we did. Huh._

Later, as we were climbing into bed, Sara asked, "What was with you and Charlotte tonight? I thought you liked her. But when you guys made eye contact it was like a sheet of ice ran over the room."

I shrugged, "We had a disagreement before I left last time."

"About what?"

I wasn't about to lie. "About you."

"Me? What about me?"

So I told her about my conversations with Charlotte, first in the flower room, and then at Ducky's the year before. Sara was pissed as hell. At first she was a bit mad at me for not telling her sooner, but I calmed her down from that. Mostly, she was mad at Charlotte, and rightly so.

The next day dawned bright and early and full of possibilities. We were going to meet doctors today. I was so nervous, I couldn't decide what to wear. I wanted to make a good impression. This was the person that was giving us our baby. Sara laughed at me as she pulled on jeans a t-shirt, and then grumbled when I made her change twice.

The first doctor we met with was Dr. Anita Brown. She was very supportive and professional, she was so perfect that we just canceled our second appointment and got started right away with Dr. Brown.

As it turned out, working with a doctor in a different state was fairly simple. First, she would run some tests while we were there, just to make sure we were both candidates for the procedures. When that was done, she would fax prescriptions for everything we would need to a pharmacy in Las Vegas, and trust us to administer them properly ourselves. Then, we would get local doctors to take regular blood tests and ultrasounds, and send them back to San Francisco. After twenty days of medication, we would come back and handle the procedure. Easy.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Well? I know not much happened here, but I need reviews to stave off the writer's block so I can write more!! I **_**crave**_** the reviews!!**


	29. The Way of Life

A/N: Okay, so I've done the math

**A/N: Okay, so I've done the math. And even if all of you have all read this fic three times, there are still more than four hundred hits on each chapter. And you know what that means? It means I should be getting four hundred **_**reviews**_** per update. **

**You know what I like to hear? I like it when people get accounts just to review my story. I like when that happens. Know what I don't like? No reviews! And some of my regulars have been slacking the last few chapters. Seriously hurts my feelings.**

**Okay, rant over with. Here's another update for you, my lovelies.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I am not a fan of needles. Trypanophobia, Sara calls it. Whatever. The egg retrieval procedure required for the in vitro fertilization calls for daily self-administered Lupron injections. Twenty-two of them. Big needles. The needle has to be inserted directly into your stomach. Twenty-two times. Sara had to do it for me, I couldn't even look. But every morning like clockwork I submitted myself to the whole ordeal all over again. Only once did I have to administer the shot myself. Sara was pulling a double, and there was no way she was going to be home in time. It took me an hour to get up the courage.

As if that weren't bad enough, there were the side effects of the Lupron. Dr. Brown told us that some women's bodies never even notice the drug while other's have a really hard time accepting it. When Sara had taken it nine years ago, she had been one of the women who didn't feel a thing. Consequently, she was not very supportive of the fact that I was one of the women who wasn't so lucky. I was nauseous, I had headaches, bone pain, horrible hot flashes, and just general pain all the time. For three weeks. There were days when just getting out of bed was an effort, and getting through a shift was murder.

Sara, on the other hand, had to take three hormone supplements and was feeling just fine. Well, good for her.

During the three weeks I was taking the Lupron, we had one very important task; sperm donors. We had decided right away that the donor would be anonymous. It was too complicated to ask one of our friends to donate, especially since we didn't want them to have any role in the baby's life outside the role of uncle. Besides, there were more options with an anonymous donor.

There were hundreds to choose from and we had to pick just one. Not easy. It started out with a general description. Height, weight, hair and eye color. It also included things like ethnicity, heritage, religion, educational background, profession, and a few hobbies. If you liked what you saw in the little description, you could pay for a more extended bio.

At first, we thought it would be fun. You know, sit together with the love of your life, grab a bowl of popcorn, and genetically engineer your child. Not so fu. The words living hell come to mind. Sara and I could not agree on _anything_.

I wanted to have a donor with similar characteristics to Sara- so the baby would look like both of us. It seemed perfectly logical to me. It seemed perfectly logical to my sister. It even seemed perfectly logical to my mother. Not to Sara. Sara wanted a baby that looked just like me, she said. So she scientifically measured which donors had the most recessive genes and chose those. And neither of us would budge.

"Sara, this one is Phi Beta Kappa and an engineering major."

Sar looked where my finger was pointing. "He's five foot seven. What about this one?"

I read the sheet, "It says he's a card dealer."

"Yeah, but the rest is perfect. Six foot, blonde hair, green eyes- it's great."

"Yeah, and every time we get a scene in a casino, we'll be wondering which one he is."

"We can't have everything."

"Oh, yes we sure as hell can."

"So, you want what? A tall, dark and handsome, medical student who likes volunteer work and baby animals?" She looked disbelievingly at me.

I shrugged, "It could happen."

It was a stalemate for an entire week.

"Sara, just concede on the blue eyes, will you? And I am not choosing any donor who puts World of Warcraft down as a career."

"Some online RPGs are very sophisticated. Why don't you cop to the brown hair? And while we're at it, why are two thirds of your choices under the age twenty-five?"

"I just figure they're more viable options. What if we agree, I'll give up brown hair if you give up blue eyes?"

And so on. Until one day, I was searching through the list and found the perfect compromise. Dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, six foot two, graduate degree, area of business. Interests included biking, reading, music, swimming and surfing. It was perfect. I showed Sara and she agreed, finally. She proceeded to tell me all about the genetic probability of her getting a blonde or a redhead, and I realized just how creepy it was that we were engineering our child.

So the day came for the egg retrieval procedure. Sara couldn't come with me because of work. I wanted to be there for her during the embryo transfer procedure, and we couldn't ask Grissom for three days off together inside a month. That would be just a little too suspicious. So, instead of Sara coming with me, Maureen and Gina both offered to take the day off from work and take me to the clinic.

The procedure was very simple, but I'm glad I was unconscious for it, as it involves a giant needle going up your hoo-ha. I'm told I was only under for about fifteen minutes, but I still had to wait in a hospital bed for an hour after they were done. Gina and Maureen sat talking with me when Dr. Brown came to release me. She informed me that the procedure had gone very well.

I had responded very well to the Lupron injections and other drugs, and they had retrieved over twenty eggs. Of course, why they needed twenty eggs was beyond me, seeing as I had no intention of have twenty children. One was all I needed. I had lunch with the girls before catching an afternoon plane to Las Vegas. Once again I was reminded of the contrast in atmosphere between home and San Francisco. I realized that I was going to miss Maureen and Gina and the fun we had when we were together.

A week later, Sara and I returned to California together for the embryo transfer procedure. It was relatively quick and painless. I got to sit with Sara for the entire process and she did not need to be put under anesthesia. It seems like it would have been an awkward situation, watching another woman insert sperm into one's girlfriend. Explained that way, it actually sounds a bit disgusting, and not at all romantic. But we were both so nervous and excited. And technically, it wasn't sperm anymore, they were fertilized embryos, my eggs- our potential children. I can't explain the emotions running through me. It was romantic. This was it.

When it was over, Sara had to stay in the chair for another hour. I held her hand tightly, "I'm so proud of you."

"Why?" She smiled, "All I did was sit here. Granted it's always embarrassing to be on display to the world, but so far you've done all the hard work."

I lay a hand on her stomach, "I'm still proud of you. I am so grateful to you for doing this."

"I want it, too."

"I know, but still. I love you. This is going to be a great adventure."

She kissed my temple. "I can't wait."

We spent that night at Larry and Tim's, stretched out on the leather sofa watching old movies. In the morning, we once again flew home, tired and hopeful. We had ten days to wait before we went for a blood test to see if it had worked. They were long days. Every minute was a painful ordeal. When we saw the doctor walking towards us with a smile, though, it made every second worthwhile. We did it. We were pregnant.

"Oh my god," Sara lay spread out on our bed at home, a hand over her abdomen. "I'm pregnant. Catherine, I'm pregnant." She beamed and I smiled back, giddily. "This is the weirdest feeling. Pregnant."

"I love you, baby."

"Baby." She looked at me, wide-eyed, "Catherine, you, me, baby. Catherine, you and me are having a baby. I'm having your baby."

The reality of her words shook me to my core. The woman I loved was having my baby. It had worked, we were pregnant. They said it usually doesn't work the first time and it worked. My Sara was having a baby. My baby. Our baby. My breath caught in my throat and I started to cry. To laugh and to cry.

"Oh, my god, Sara!"

"I know!"

And then we were both laughing and crying and hugging. We professed our love ten thousand different ways and in the end I just lay my head on her belly. I knew it was too early to be able to hear anything but it didn't matter, I was in total shock.

At some point, Sara fell asleep to the sounds of me whispering nonsense to her stomach. And some time after that I passed out as well, my hand protectively around her abdomen. We were having a baby. A baby. A little life that was both of us.

Sara and I were over the moon. We spent the next few weeks laughing and smiling and making out like teenagers anywhere we could. We told my sister and mother, and some of the people in San Francisco. We waited to tell the girls and everybody at work. The girls because they were already impatient enough as it was- they could wait a little longer, and the boys we didn't tell because we hadn't told them we were trying in the first place and it was bad luck to announce it until after the first trimester.

Everything was going great. Sara had a bit of morning sickness, but even that couldn't put a damper on our spirits. Then, around six weeks into the pregnancy, Sara called to me from our bathroom. Her eyes were frightened as she held out blood stained fingers for me to see.

"Cath?" she asked, her voice shaky.

I just stared, first at her fingers and then at the red-stained water in the toilet.

"Cath?" she asked again, wavering.

I met her gaze, trying to hide my concern and failing miserably. "You're bleeding," I stated the obvious. "How much? Some bleeding can be perfectly normal."

"I don't know," her eyes were wide and wet as she shook her head, "how much is some? How much is a lot? It just…I had a few cramps this morning and then it just…started!"

"Okay." I put a hand on her shoulder. "Calm down. Here's what we're going to do. You're going to go lie down while I call Dr. Hernandez and get an emergency appointment. Then we'll drop the girls off at my sister's and we'll go see what's up. How's that?"

Worriedly, she nodded.

I hugged her. "It's okay, baby. I'm sure everything's fine."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

But everything wasn't fine. When the doctor did the ultrasound, the room was oddly silent and the screen horribly blank. Everything wasn't fine. In fact, everything was as far from fine as it could get. The walls seemed to close in until only my hand wrapped around Sara's kept me connected to the world. Sara. Sara was devastated. The look in her eyes was so empty, my heart, already crushed, ached just that much more for her.

The drive home was completely silent. Somehow I managed to call Nancy and ask her to keep the girls for dinner. Sara walked ahead of me into the house, her keys missing the table and hitting the floor as she dropped them- she didn't stop to pick them up. Wordlessly, I followed her up the stairs and into our room where I found her collapsed on the bed, curled in on herself, arms wrapped around her stomach.

I slipped off my shoes and joined her. At first we didn't move, didn't speak, didn't touch. After a while, I began to run my fingers through her hair. Tears slowly made there way down my cheeks as I felt the mattress begin to shake and quake beneath me. I gathered my lover in my arms.

"Oh, baby," I choked, "baby, I'm so sorry. So sorry." And we just lay there. For hours. Sharing the burden that was this pain, this ache that would not go away. Sometimes we cried, mostly we just held each other. We didn't need to speak.

It ended when I picked up a call from my sister. She needed me to come and get the girls, there wasn't room for them to spend the night. And that was the worst part. That was the cruelest part. Life went on. Life had to go on. In moments like this, you feel that the world should crack open and swallow you up. But it doesn't. It just hurts. So we picked ourselves up, kissed, and set about making things normal again.

A few days later, I was doing laundry when Sara came to me. She hoisted herself up onto the dryer and began helping me fold clothes. After a minute of silence, I began to get curious. "Hon? Did you come in here just to match socks?"

She shook her head. "I wanted to ask you something, but I don't want you to get mad."

"Okay." I started up the washer and jumped up to sit beside her. Things had been tense during the last week, but I couldn't think of anything she could say that would upset me.

She hesitated. "Do you think maybe…well, I know I shouldn't ask, but it's just…could we…do you want to, maybe…try again?" I didn't have to ask what she was talking about.

I looked at her for a moment. "Do you want to?"

She half shrugged. "I don't know. I think so. Do you?"

"I…I still want a baby. But I don't want to go through this again, put you through this. I don't want to see you in this kind of pain- I don't want to feel like this all over again."

Sara nodded. "I didn't realize how important a baby was for me until…" her eyes were wide and sad. "Losing it just…now it feels like I never wanted anything more."

I rested a hand on her thigh. "So, we'll try again."

"One more time."

So, we went through it all again, with somewhat less enthusiasm. Another month, another round of medication and nauseating side effects, every injection hurting that much more because it never should have had to happen. Our smiles were hesitant during the second procedure, as if hiding our emotions could insulate us from feeling the pain again.

We held our breath when Dr. Hernandez pronounced another positive result. My hand tightened around Sara's and she gave me a soft smile. But there was no laughing and crying the way there had been before. Now it was just a game of wait and see.

As the weeks went by, we learned to breath again. Ayla's eighth birthday passed, and our one year anniversary was fast approaching. One day, I caught Sara in the lab bathroom, on her knees, head in the toilet. I immediately knelt beside her.

"Hey," I pulled her hair back and waited for her to stop vomiting. Taking a bit of paper, I wiped her mouth and smiled gently. "Shift's almost up. What do you say we drop the girls off and spend the rest of the day snuggled up in our pjs?"

Returning my smile a bit sadly, she flushed the toilet. She stood, pulling me with her, and resting a hand on her abdomen. "That's the third time I've been in here this shift. If it keeps up, I think I'll be spending most of the day hugging the toilet."

I covered her hand with my own. "Hon, this is totally normal."

She nodded, but looked to the ground.

"What is it?"

"It's been six weeks and three days."

I knew what she meant. This was when we lost the first baby. "I know."

"I should be feeling excited now, or happy. Instead, I'm just panicked all the time. What if something goes wrong?"

I squeezed her hand and led her out of the stall. I didn't want to promise that nothing would go wrong. "Things will be okay. So far so good. Aside from the morning sickness, you've been alright, haven't you?"

"Yeah, but I was the last time, too."

I watched in the mirror as she splashed her face with water and rinsed her mouth. I handed her a paper towel. "Let's just take it one day at a time, okay? We've come this far." There was no way that this could happen twice, not to us. The doctor had told us that some couples had to try six or seven times before they carried full term. Neither Sara nor I would have the heart to go through this again. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Three weeks later, I heard Sara calling for me from the bathroom. My heart raced as I ran up the stairs. "What is it?" My voice was panicked, but instead of the scene I was dreading, I found her in her bra and panties on our scale facing the wall. "Sara?"

"In the book it says that you're supposed to gain three to five pounds during the first twelve weeks." She was still facing away from me.

"Yeah…"

"It's only week nine and I've already gained six."

I smiled my relief. "Sara, everybody has a different pregnancy. I'm sure three to five is just the average. You're taller than most women. I bet loads of women gain twenty pounds in their fist trimester."

She looked over her shoulder, worriedly, "Yeah, but how many women are starting to show?" She turned in profile to me and my eyes went wide. "The book says you start to show between sixteen and twenty-four weeks, Catherine. What is this?"

I was just staring at her belly. Of course, in clothes, you would hardly be able to tell, but exposed, there was definitely an obvious bump where I was sure her stomach had been flat only a few days before. "Sara…" I reached out rested my palm on her warm skin, mesmerized. I smiled. "This is incredible."

She shook her head. "It's not normal, Catherine. Nine weeks is definitely _way_ too early."

I looked up at her. She looked genuinely concerned. I guess she had a right to be. I nodded. "Okay, it's a little early. I don't think I started showing with Lindsey until I was five or six months along. Maybe we should call the doctor."

So Sara had an appointment and had some blood work done. A week later, when the results were in, the doctor scheduled us for an appointment two weeks out. In that time, Sara's stomach continued to grow. Not much, but enough that she couldn't just wear a tank top and tight pants to work, loose blouses and button-up shirts were now a must.

Sara also started get a little…hormonal. She cried when we watched Stepmom with the girls. And not just cried. She bawled. I'll admit, it's a sad movie. When Susan Sarandon gets diagnosed with cancer, I am crying like there's no tomorrow. But Sara _never_ cries at movies. Never. And that's not all. One day she tore up the entire house to find a missing sock that turned out to be on her foot. It was completely mental.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI5**

Finally, the day of the appointment came. Driving in the car on the way to our doctor's appointment, I looked over to see Sara staring worriedly out the window.

"Babe, you okay?" I took her hand.

"Just nervous. The doctor said my blood tests were abnormal, that we need to do an ultrasound. Cath, it's only twelve weeks. We're not supposed to have another ultrasound for at least another two weeks. Remember? Last time she said after the blood tests cleared she wouldn't need to see us until week _twenty_. I don't like being back here so soon. Something's wrong."

I pulled into the parking lot. "Did she say what was up with your blood work?"

"Not really. Just that I was showing some pretty high hormone levels for so early in my pregnancy."

"Hey, babe, don't worry." I pulled her tight to me. "If the doctor was really concerned she would have had us come in a two weeks ago when she called, not scheduled us for today, right?"

She nodded into my collarbone. I was starting to able to read pregnant Sara's behavior, and I could tell that this over-concern was part of an oncoming mood swing.

I sighed. "Hey, look at me…_our_ baby is going to be fine. You hear me?"

Another nod and a sniff, "Sorry, Cat. I just can't stand to think-"

"Then don't." I kissed her swiftly. "I love you." I took her hand and I squeezed it tight.

"Don't let go." She said as we headed into the building.

"Not on your life." I whispered back as we rode the elevator to the third floor.

The waiting room was all but empty. It was early. We got an appointment right at the end of shift. I signed us in, my hand never leaving Sara's and then we sat to wait. At some point she began to shake with nerves and I pulled her into my lap. I received looks from the few women in the office and I glared back defiantly. I rubbed _my_ sweetheart's back and whispered in her ear. Minutes later the nurse called out for us to come in. I defiantly kissed Sara and pulled her to her feet. I raised an eyebrow at the woman closest to us and pushed Sara ahead of me into the other room.

Our doctor, Rose Hernandez, came in and smiled at us. That had to be a good sign right? I thought back on all the times I had delivered bad news to people at work. I'd never smiled at them. Sara was very quiet and she stared at the floor. When Rose didn't get a response from Sara she looked to me.

"She's just scared. She's really worried about the baby."

"Why?" Rose sat down on her stool and put on gloves.

I touched Sara's shoulder, pushing her back into chair, "Babe? Why don't you show Rose what you showed me before we made the appointment, okay?"

Sara nodded and slowly unzipped the sweatshirt once more and exposed her belly to the air. Dr. Hernandez raised an eyebrow before placing her hands on Sara's abdomen. Sara looked away, and I knew how terrified she must feel. All I could do was squeeze her hand.

"Well, this certainly goes along with my earlier diagnosis." She smiled and winked at me, I knew that nobody winked when it was bad news, "We'll just have the sonogram to make sure."

"Diagnosis?" Sara's voice was so pained, she looked from me to the doctor who was turning on the sonogram and squeezing gel onto Sara's stomach, "What diagnosis? What's wrong with my baby?"

"Well, if I'm right, nothing is wrong with your baby."

"If nothing is wrong then why am I having a sonogram?"

All of a sudden there was a loud noise coming from the machine and when the screen turned on there was gray static. I knew the sound immediately; it was the sound I had heard at Lindsey's first sonogram.

"Heartbeat." I said instantly. I grabbed Sara's hand tight as her attention was diverted to the screen.

"Yep." Rose was watching the screen as intently as Sara.

I frowned, "It sounds too fast."

Sara looked at me in alarm, "It does?"

The doctor shook her head. "Wait for it," she said, still watching the screen.

"Wait for what?"

"Hang on…" This woman was starting to annoy the hell out of me- didn't she get that this was not the sort of thing you kept people in suspense about?! Then she smiled, "Aha!"

"What?" Sara and I both asked.

"The heartbeats are fine; one is just echoing the other. It makes it sound faster."

"Heartbeats?" I questioned. "You mean Sara's and the baby's?"

That didn't make sense, there was no way Sara's heart could be echoing the baby's; it was way too fast- she'd be dead. The doctor shook her head and pointed to the screen.

"Watch." She said moving the screen closer. "This big round bit? That's a baby head. And these bits here are arms and legs." She pointed out the four appendages. "Now here's where it gets interesting. Look over here." She moved her hand over Sara's abdomen and the screen changed. "Do you see what I'm seeing?" She grinned.

_Oh. My. God. _"Two more legs." I whispered.

Sara gasped her realization, "And another head." She reached for the screen.

Rose nodded, "And if you look carefully, you can see two more bumps; arms. And these lines here" she gestured at the screen, "show two distinct embryonic sacs."

"Twins." I whispered.

Rose grinned. "Two very healthy fraternal twins."

I couldn't believe it. Twins. The doctors at the in vitro clinic had said there was a higher risk of multiple births but… I never once thought that it would be a problem for us, hell, we already had three kids. Suddenly a very large number was looming over me. Five. Five children. How could I go from having one child to five in less than two years? I suddenly felt dizzy. I grabbed hold of the bed but it wasn't fast enough. Everything faded to black.

I was brought around by a sweet voice calling my name, "Cat? Catherine? Baby, wake up."

"Five." It was the first thing out of my mouth before I had even opened my eyes.

"What?" Sara's face was concerned but much brighter than it had been a minute ago.

"Five children." I was on the floor. My head hurt.

Sara smiled. "I know. But hey, what's one more?"

"That's a lot of children, Sara." The fuzziness in my head made that come out all wrong.

Her eyes narrowed, "I know that."

I sat for a moment and then slowly rose to my feet. I looked at her wary expression as I moved to touch her hair. She shifted back away from my touch. "What are you saying, Cath?" Her tone was accusatory.

"Sara, I'm not saying anything. Would you just give me a minute to think about this?"

"Think about what? Do you think we should get rid of one, Catherine?" I could sense a hormonal hurricane not far off. "One of our babies? Your babies? Or maybe we can pick one of the older ones and give them away?" Yep, there we go- happy to completely irrational in under ten seconds.

"Sara, stop! I just need a minute to think about it. It hasn't sunk in yet- I just need-"

"What's there to think about, Catherine? They're our _children_." She shouted and jumped up from the chair. "You know what?" she cried, her voice strangled. She shook her head. "I cannot deal with this right now." And she ran out.

Oh, no. That was not good. She was being overdramatic, sure. But she was also really upset. I had to make this better. Now. I felt my heart jump up through my lungs. "Shit." Without a word to the doctor I ran after her.

I caught up with her in the waiting room. "Sara! Sara, stop." I think it was the panic in my voice, more than anything that made her stop. She didn't turn to face me, so I ran around to look her in the eye. I felt a lump rise in my throat. _God damn her for looking so cute and dejected._ "Sara, Sara honey, listen to me. I love you. And I'm sorry I froze in there, but baby, listen to me." I put my hand on the tiny bump of her stomach, "I love you. And I love Ayla and Maggie and Lindsey. But five is a big number, Sara." She started to pull away but I held her tight, unheeding of the growing number of patients watching us.

"Honey, it was a surprise, that's all. Twins are hard work; they're harder to carry to full term. It can be dangerous for the mother- deadly, even. When she said twins, baby, my emotions just ran the gamut. And I saw twice the mess and twice the diapers and twice the midnight feedings, all the while still dealing with three growing girls. Worse, baby, I saw things going wrong, you getting sick or bleeding out or getting an infection. And that scared me. It's my job to take care of you, and the girls." I tried to smile, "And these little guys in here." I tickled her stomach.

She looked up at me, and there were tears in her eyes. I sank to my knees, wrapping my arms around her thighs. "And, Sara, love. I did see all the good things, too. I saw the family outings and Lindsey teaching them to read. I saw Ayla showing them the stars and Maggie putting on plays with them. I saw you and me and our _five_ beautiful children, and I love you all. And I want you and I want these babies." I kissed her belly, "Trust me, I want to see you pregnant, 30 weeks round, barefoot, and amazingly sexy and I do want a house of screaming children with you and a fridge full of breast milk and I want to tell Lindsey she can't go on a date with some sleaze football jock because she has to stay home and take care of _our babies_. Her little brothers or sisters. And I want to watch you teach quantum physics to a five year old with my red hair and you're love for anything with wheels. I want bedtime stories and cheating at monopoly and lemonade stands and summers at the beach. Sara..." Tears were streaming down my face. When had that happened?

"And I want to grow old with you and in thirty years when these babies are grown and we are surrounded by fifteen grandchildren I want you to know that I have always loved you and I'll never stop. So, please baby, don't be mad at me. I was just scared for one minute, but I never, not for a second, thought I didn't want these babies. I want them and I want you. I want you so badly."

And I couldn't say anymore, I just cried into her legs. If I hadn't been so emotional I would have noticed the dead quiet around us. Instead, I only felt Sara's strong arms pulling me to my feet.

And I felt her hand on my cheek and I looked into her eyes. Her smiling eyes. "God, Catherine." She whispered, "I'm so in love with you."

And my heart stopped. It was at least the thousandth time she'd said it to me but it didn't matter. "I won't ever get tired of hearing that." I smiled.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you." She punctuated each phrase with a quick kiss.

"And I love you. Now, if you would accompany me back to the exam room, I think we've got some new prenatal vitamins to add to your morning cocktail. I heard this rumor that you've got two of my babies in here." I put an arm around her waist, placing a protective hand over her belly.

As we walked back through the door, there was a rush of applause and I heard the woman who had been staring at us earlier say to her husband, "That was so romantic! On their fifth child and they still act like that; we've only got one- how come you don't say stuff like that to me? How come you never tell me I'm beautiful when I'm pregnant?"

"Oh, come on, Ellie, I'm not a woman- I'm no good at that sort of thing."

"Obviously."

Sara blushed; I just held her tighter and kissed her cheek. My girl. My _babies._

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**I just want to not that I didn't know the twin thing was a common occurrence in fan fic when I wrote this, sorry if I lose points for originality, but it is actually important to the plot. Wait and see.**

**Okay, gold star and honorable mention to the review that puts me above five hundred! Mwah!**


	30. Announcements

A/N: I know, I know

**A/N: I know, I know. It's short and it's late. I'm a bad, bad girl.**

**But this is what I got. And I promise there'll be another (longer) post very, very soon. Maybe even tomorrow- provided there are enough reviews. (No, that was not supposed to be funny. I want reviews, and dammit I want them now!)**

**Here ya go! Enjoy!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It was Saturday, which meant no school for the munchkins, which meant they had stayed with Nancy while we were at the doctor's office. Now we were in her foyer, waiting for the girls to get there stuff together. We had just finished telling her the big news.

"Twins? _Twins?!_" My sister stared at me incredulously.

Sara and I just beamed. "Yep."

"You're kidding me."

Sara turned sideways and held her shirt tight against her stomach. Nancy gaped. I just kept on beaming. "Nope."

"That's crazy."

I kissed Sara's cheek. "It's fantastic."

Nancy ran a hand through her hair. "Well, congratulations." She smiled and held out her arms to us both. "Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"When are you going to tell the girls?"

"As soon as we get home. Thanks for watching them, Nance."

"Hey, no problem. What are sisters for? Granted, when there are five of them, I'm going to start charging."

At that moment, there was a thunder of clattering feet on the stairs and our girls appeared.

"Hey, kiddos." I smiled as Ayla hugged me. I rested a hand on her head; she was getting so tall.

"Got all your stuff?" Sara asked, shouldering Maggie's Dora the Explorer backpack.

"Uh-huh." Lindsey's hair was in two very messy braids and she was sporting some very bright pink lipstick. Obviously someone had been playing beauty shop. "I'm hungry. What's for lunch?"

I waved to Nancy and we all started towards the truck. "Well…what would you like?"

"Happy Meals!"

"Yeah, Happy Meals!"

I looked at Sara. She was glowing. Neither of us could stop smiling. _Twins_. I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

"Okay," Sara grinned, "Happy Meals it is."

Lindsey stopped in her tracks. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously." Sara unlocked the truck. "How about we go to the McDonald's near the house, the one with the big playground?"

Lindsey gave me a look, but then she shrugged and slid into the backseat. "Fine by me."

"Maggie! Move! I don't want to sit in the middle."

"No! My seat. Here first."

"That's not fair! Catherine, make her move. I'm bigger than her and I should get the window seat."

I sighed. Maggie had just grown out of her car-seat about a week earlier. Before, seating had never been an issue. Maggie's car-seat had to go on a window seat, and Lindsey was the oldest, so she got the other window seat. Ayla always got the middle. Now though, Ayla had realized that she didn't have to sit in the middle anymore, and felt entitled, as one of the older girls, to a window seat. This didn't sit well with Maggie who felt, as a big girl who did not have to ride in a car-seat or possibly because it was always where she sat before, that she did not have to give up her spot. So, now every time we got in the car, it was an issue.

"Maggie," I tried to reason, "don't you want to sit next to Lindsey? And then you can look out the big front window and talk with me and Sara."

Maggie seemed to think about this, while Ayla was now clearly having second thoughts about her decision. "Okay." Maggie decided.

"No, I want to sit in the middle."

"Ayla, you can't just change your mind like that. You made your choice."

"But…I want to sit next to Lindsey and have the big window. I want to be in the middle."

Sara squatted down between the two girls, something I realized she would not be able to do for much longer. "Now, who was in the middle on the way over this morning?"

Ayla's smiled triumphantly. "Maggie."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Yes, you were Maggie."

"Oh."

"So, that means that Ayla gets to ride in the middle on the way to McDonald's, and Maggie gets a her turn on the way home. Sound fair?"

Ayla jumped into the truck. "Sounds fair!"

It took Maggie a second to realize she'd lost. When she did she scowled, but climbed into the truck anyway. "Fair."

I closed their door and turned around, "That was very well done, Ms. Sidle. No blood, no tears, and we're in the car in under five minutes."

She put her hands on my hips. "Thank you. Uh, thank you very much."

I beamed at her and tucked some hair behind her ear.

"What's that look for?"

I put a hand on her stomach and shook my head. "Just happy."

She kissed me softly. "Me, too." She kissed me again. And again.

We kissed until we heard the window rolled down and a chorus of 'Eww!'s

"Mom, seriously? You're in the middle of the sidewalk in broad daylight. Casey Miller lives just down the street!"

I looked over my shoulder. "Oh! I didn't know Casey Miller lived down the street! I would hate to get caught and embarrass my daughter." I rolled my eyes.

Sara smiled. "Should we kiss one more time? Just because we can?"

"Hey, I'm not gonna turn it down."

Awhile later, we found ourselves outside at the McDonald's playground, Sara had to leave the table twice to throw up, she couldn't stand the smell of all that meat. But she was a good sport about it, and even puking her guts out couldn't take away our good mood. After the fries and nuggets had disappeared, Maggie and Ayla went off to play on the playground.

"Linds, don't you want to go play too?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Mom, I'm eleven. I'm practically taller than the slide and my butt doesn't fit in the swings. Plus, Ronald McDonald kinda scares the crap out of me."

"Language!" Sara admonished before I could say it.

"Sorry." Lindsey folded her hands on top of the table. "So, which one of you wants to tell me what's going on."

I blinked. "What are you talking about?"

My daughter rolled her eyes again. "Oh, come on, Mom. I'm not blind. Do you know when the last time I went to McDonald's was, Sara?"

Sara shook her head.

"Mom?"

I shook my head.

"I didn't think so. That is because the last time I went was with Daddy."

I tensed. The word daddy didn't get used very often in our house. And Lindsey hadn't mentioned Eddie in a long time.

"It was?" Sara asked cautiously.

But Lindsey didn't seem upset at all. "It was. But since Sara, the health freak, has been around, we don't go to McDonald's. Or Chili's. Or IHOP. Ever. But today, I ask for Happy Meals and you just say okay. What's up with that?"

"Uh…"

"Umm…"

"Plus you guys were getting all mushy at Aunt Nancy's. And you're like super happy. So, what happened? Does it have anything to do with us getting a little brother or sister?"

Sara and I exchanged glances.

"Oh, my god!" Lindsey's eyes lit up. "It does, doesn't it?" She was practically shrieking.

"Linds, hush!" I looked over my shoulder to make sure the younger girls hadn't heard, then I looked to Sara to see what she wanted to do.

She sighed. "Yes, Linds, it does have to do with that."

"I knew it!" Lindsey bounced in her seat.

"We were going to talk to all of you together when we got home. Do you think that you can keep quiet for another half an hour?"

"Hum. Yeah. I can. Maybe."

"Lindsey…"

"Okay, I can. I will." She checked her watch. "Thirty minutes and counting."

Lindsey was completely silent the entire drive to the house. When we got home, she kept looking at Sara and me as if she were about to explode. I watched her jump a foot in the air when Sara finally ushered everyone into the living room.

"Okay guys, everybody come sit on the couch. Catherine and I have a surprise for you."

Lindsey hopped up on the sofa and pulled Maggie up onto her lap. Ayla climbed up after them. "What's the surprise?"

Sara and I sat together in the big arm chair next to the couch. I held Sara's hand. "Well," she began, "remember how we talked about having another baby in the house?"

All three girls nodded.

"Well, we just went to the doctor a few weeks ago, and found out that I was pregnant."

"So, you're going to have a baby?" Ayla asked.

"Actually," I smiled, "we went to the doctor again today, and she told us that we were going to have…twins."

There was a brief silence, before, "_Twins?! _Oh, my god! Like two? Like two babies?"

"So we're going to have two brothers or sisters? But where will they go? We have no room for two babies."

Maggie hopped of the sofa and over to us. She pointed to Sara's stomach. "In here?"

I smiled and lifted her onto my lap. "That's right. Two babies in there." Gently I took her hand and rested it on Sara's belly.

She giggled. "Hello, babies!"

By this time, the two older girls were thoroughly jealous. They came over and soon everyone was rubbing Sara's stomach. She looked over at me. "This is feels so weird."

I smiled. "I think you're going to have to get used to it."

"So, when are the babies coming?" Lindsey asked.

"Not until November."

"What? But I'll be in sixth grade by then."

"I'll be in fourth grade."

"What about me?"

"You'll be in kindergarten, Maggie May."

"Oh."

"November is like a million years away."

"Well, that's how long we have to wait if we want the babies to come out nice and healthy."

Lindsey sighed dramatically, "Fine."

"How big are the babies now?"

"About two inches long."

"That's really small."

"What are we going to call them?"

"I don't know. I think for now we'll call them baby one and baby two. It's still early to start talking about names."

The questions went on and on until we managed to distract them with a movie. Later, before we were going to leave for shift, Maggie came up to Sara and lifted her shirt. Then she kissed her belly and said, "Goodnight babies." And Sara, in the midst of an oncoming hormonal attack, started to cry. If she was going to cry every time Maggie did something cute, this was going be a long six months.

Now that the girls knew, and my sister knew, and my mother and everyone we had called in San Francisco knew, all that was left was to tell the boys. I was sure they'd be fine with it, that they'd smile and hug us and be happy for us. But Sara was a little worried. Namely, she was worried over the reaction of a Mr. Gil Grissom.

Over the last eight months, things had gotten better between Gil and Sara and I. Sort of. Things were nowhere near the way they had been before, nor would they ever be again. Especially not between Gil and I. Sara had persistently tried to repair the friendship she had had with our supervisor, and with some success. They talked now, about what, I have no idea. I didn't ask.

Gil and I still had our problems. I knew that he still had feelings for Sara, and he knew I knew. So we silently agreed to a truce. But things were stiff. Truthfully, I missed my friend, but I just couldn't see how things could be different. What he was going to have to say about his two female co-workers requesting maternity leave because they were about to have twins, I really had no clue. And really, I didn't care.

I couldn't help but smile madly on the way to work that evening. I had the most beautiful woman in the passenger seat and she was carrying my _two_ children. I wondered if men felt this proud of themselves when they got someone pregnant.

"You look smug." Sara observed.

We stopped at a red light and I ran a hand through my hair, "I am."

"About what?" Sara was absentmindedly running a hand over her belly.

I grinned evilly, "I done knocked you up good, woman." I cackled.

Sara laughed at that, "Oh, yeah, you and a big bad turkey baster!"

I mock glowered at her, "Smartass," I accused as we continued driving, "No, seriously. You're having my babies. Sara, that's amazing. I'm really madly in love with you, you know that?" I reached out a hand to her.

Instead of interlacing our fingers, she pressed my palm against her abdomen, "We love you, too."

I think I just about cried.

"So let's go over this again." I said, changing the subject.

We had decided that we would tell the boys about the babies tonight, we were going to wait until Sara had officially cleared the first trimester, but if she was going to start showing more soon (which the doctor said was a good possibility) then we figured we ought to get it over with.

"Cath, you can't really rehearse the 'your two lesbian co-workers are having twins' speech. You just can't. It will come out the way it does."

"I'm just worried that you'll get nervous and blurt out something eloquent like 'I'm pregnant' and give Grissom a heart attack."

"Give me a little credit, Cath."

I smirked. "I have had experience with you and announcements, Sar. Actually, I was thinking we could just arrange for Hodges to casually overhear us talking about it. Avoid having to tell everyone, you know, save some time."

"Oh, yeah," Sar snorted as we parked out front, "And have him commiserating with Ecklie. God, they'd eat it up." We got out of the car, "'How domestic' and all that crap."

I laughed along. "Could be fun. We could time how long it took for everyone to find out."

"It might actually be faster than telling them ourselves." We walked towards the lab.

"So you really just want to wing it?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine."

"And you promise not to freeze and freak out?"

"Cath…"

"Okay." I held up my hands. "Okay."

We rounded the corner to the break room, "Okay, you ready?"

"You bet."

She kissed me quickly, "Then let's go, Mommy." She disappeared through the door.

Everyone was in except Grissom. I smelled Greg's Brazilian roast and sighed. Sara had had to give up coffee for the babies, and knowing how hard that would be for her, I volunteered to do the same. Hearing Sara's equally miserable sigh of longing, I gave her a look of understanding. I went to the fridge and produced the bottled ice teas I had put in there the week before. I took her hand, and we both leaned against the counter, watching the three boys fight over the sports section.

Grissom entered with the swiftness of professionalism, ordering me to a B&E solo, Sara and Nick to a suspicious circs, and himself, Warrick, and Greg to a double homicide. As he turned to go I protested.

"Actually, Gil, before we break up, Sara and I have something we want to tell everyone." I grabbed Sara's wrist, feeling her pale beside me.

Nick grabbed his chest. "I sense a dramatic announcement coming on."

"Seriously, man. Hey, if you're about to tell us that the two of you are together, we heard that like a year ago." Warrick seconded.

"Our hearts are still feeling the loss." Greg joked, smiling wistfully at Sara.

I gave him a stern look that softened when Sara squeezed my hand, "Well, it is something along those lines…"

"Geez," Nick exclaimed, "Are you guys getting married?"

"Uh…" I looked awkwardly at Sara. "No."

"You're moving, aren't you?" Greg asked.

"Houses?" Warrick wanted to know. "Or are you planning on leaving us?"

"Guys, we're not moving, we're-"

"I'm pregnant." Sara immediately shot me an apologetic look.

I just stared at her.

"Sorry. It uhh…slipped."

I shook my head, "For the record, there's a big 'I told you so' going down with this memory. And next time we tell people, we're rehearsing."

Sara nodded, blushing.

We turned back to look at our friends, and I was suddenly nervous. I was sure they would be okay with this, but all of them were slack jawed.

"What?" Sara asked them, shifting uneasily from side to side.

"You're pregnant?" Nick questioned.

Sara glowed, "Yeah. About twelve weeks."

"What…I mean…how…uhh…was this planned?" Greg was at a loss.

I snorted, "No, Greggo, we had a condom break on us." I rolled my eyes.

He blushed.

I felt an arm around my waist, "Play nice, Mommy." Sara whispered into my ear, and then to the boys, "Yeah, it was planned. We just didn't want to tell people we were trying in case it turned out we had problems."

"So, we're going to have a mini Sara running around in a few months?" Warrick smiled, "That's great! Congratulations!" He swept us both up in a tight hug.

"Actually," Sara corrected, "A mini Catherine."

"We used my eggs," I explained to the blank looks, "and actually, it's two mini Catherines," I corrected again.

Greg's eyes widened at me, "Why? Are you pregnant, too?"

I laughed, "No, Greg. That ship has sailed."

Sara beamed again, "We're having twins!"

We received another circle of shocked looks all around.

"But…you already have three." This was the first thing Gil had said since the announcement. "That makes five."

Sara snorted, "That's exactly what Catherine said at the doctor's office this morning. After she woke up from her faint."

"You fainted?" Warrick laughed.

I shot daggers at Sara with my eyes, "Traitor."

She stuck her tongue out at me. Turning back to Grissom she said, "Yeah, we know it's five. And five's a lot. But we were okay with four, so what's one more?"

I kissed my love's temple, "Five is the perfect number. I couldn't be happier."

She smiled her thanks at me.

"So, when are you due?" Nick asked.

"Well, originally, the date was set around Thanksgiving-"

"But twins rarely carry to full term-"

"So we're looking at somewhere around Halloween."

"This is so great! Babies! Maybe Uncle Greg will get a nephew?" Greg fished.

"We've actually decided to let the sexes be a surprise."

"The girls are hoping for a boy too, but I think they'd welcome a little girl just as much."

"You guys can't favor boys over girls." I pointed out.

"Like Sara won't? I bet she's just dying to paint a room a color that isn't pink or purple." Warrick laughed.

Sara argued, "I'm engineering at least one of them to like trucks and motorcycles and blue even if they're both girls."

The boys laughed.

Grissom interrupted our play with a serious face, "I assume you girls will come talk to me about maternity leave and all of that?"

We both nodded.

"Good. In that case, congratulations. Alright," He turned back to the team, "let's get to work, people. We can discuss baby- babies, after we've solved the crimes." And that was it. He just left. The boys looked between the empty doorway and Sara and I, confused. I just shrugged.

I kissed Sara briefly before heading out, "I love you." I whispered. Bending down I kissed her belly, "I love you guys, too, okay? Be good for your Mom while I'm away. If I hear you were misbehaving…"

"Cath, are you really going to reprimand our children before they're born? Don't you think you're starting the guilt tripping a little too early?"

"It's never too early to stick in some good old fashioned mother's guilt."

As we drove home from shift, Sara was frowning.

"What is it, babe?"

She scowled out the window. "Do I look like some delicate flower to you?"

_Out of the blue…_ "Umm…no?"

"Because Nick seems to think I'm made of glass. He wouldn't let me do anything all shift."

"And you stood for that?"

She colored slightly. "No. He was really getting on my nerves, so I sort of bit his head off."

"Did you apologize?"

"Apologize? Apologize!? Me? It's him who should be apologizing. He wouldn't even let me make my own coffee! I mean, I'm pregnant, not incompetent. What the hell does he think he's doing?"

I smiled. "I'm sure he's just trying to be nice. You know, Texas gentleman and all of that."

"Yeah, well, I don't like it. I am perfectly capable of running a suspicious circs scene by myself."

I laughed. "For now."

This just brought another scowl.

_Oh, boy._ Six months of this was sure going to be fun.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Review. Review. Review, review, review. You can't hear it, but I've made up a song. It goes like this; Review. Review. Review, review, review. Review! It's got sort of an Indie Rock beat to it. **


	31. Developments

A/N: LATE

**A/N: LATE! I'm late! I'm sorry. I know I said next day delivery, and I did not provide. Very sorry. I had (have) obscene writer's block. But, to make up for it, I made this chapter extra long. Maybe the longest chapter yet. **

**So, read, review, enjoy.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Sidney craned her neck to see into the house. "I can't believe Sara is only fifteen weeks along. I wasn't that big until six months, at least."

I slurped at my iced tea. "Yeah, I know, neither was I. But don't say anything to her, she's already paranoid about how she's going to lose the weight. The doctor said it's perfectly normal for carrying twins, but try telling that to Miss 'I'll just have one more cupcake.' I came home from work yesterday, and she had baked and frosted an entire batch and at least four were missing. The babies must be doing something to her brain as well as her stomach, because the Sara I know would never eat that. But am I allowed to say anything? No. God forbid."

For a moment, Sidney and I listened intently to the shrieks and giggles coming from inside. Then Sidney broke the silence. "Hey, don't take this the wrong way, okay?"

I raised an eyebrow, "…Okay…"

"I feel like we've been friends long enough that I can say this to you. Why aren't you and Sara married?"

I blinked at her. "Because it's not legal in Nevada? They don't even allow civil unions."

"So? Mercedes and I are married. In the eyes of god, and all of our friends and family. We had a ceremony about eight years ago."

"Well, neither Sara nor I care very much what god or other people think."

"What about yourselves? Wouldn't it be nice to be committed, officially? Sara is still just your girlfriend. Sadie is my wife. See the difference?"

I thought about it and shrugged. "Sara has never brought up wanting to get married, and I just haven't really thought about it. I don't need a cake and a party to tell me how much I love her. Besides, you forget that I've been married before, and that did not end so hot."

"You can't honestly be comparing Sara to you ex-husband."

"No, I'm not. I'm just saying that last time, I got burnt. I'm not super anxious to do it again. That being said, I would like to be able to call Sara my wife."

"There you go. I'm only asking because it's kind of weird that you're about to have five children, and you're still not hitched."

"I'll think about it. I guess I'm indifferent about it. If Sara wants to, I don't really have a problem with it."

So, I thought about it. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Sara and I deserved to be married, to be recognized as a committed couple by our friends and family. It was just one more step towards making us all one family. Now, how to bring it up with Sara?

Sara came home late one morning to find me relaxing on the couch. "Hiya, gorgeous." She kissed the top of my head.

"Hiya, back." I smiled at her as she collapsed beside me. "How was your case?"

She sighed. "Wholly depressing. This little old woman accidentally killed her husband of forty-five years. Then she tried to kill herself with her medications and gave herself a stroke. So, now she's alone in the world and she's paralyzed on one side."

I sat up. "That's awful."

"Yeah. And now the DA wants to put her in jail for her husband's death."

"Ah. Come here." I pulled her into my arms. "I hate cases like that. No one wins."

"Hmm. How was your night?"

"Uneventful. Some punk ass kid tried to lie to me in interrogation."

"Uh-oh. Did you let him have it?"

"Oh, yeah. Should have seen the look on his face. Sometimes I really love my job."

"You're evil."

"What? He and a couple of buddies knocked over a gas station and shot the cashier in the arm."

"Okay, you're justified."

"How're the rascals?" I asked, using my nickname for the babies.

Sara lay a hand over her stomach. "Good. Quiet."

I put my hand over hers. "Good."

"You ready to hit the hay? I'm exhausted." She started to stand up.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something."

Sara sank back, "I don't know if I like that tone. Sounds ominous."

I laughed nervously. "Don't worry, it's not. Or, at least, I don't think it is."

She rolled her eyes. "That's reassuring."

"No, seriously. C'mon. It's just, I wanted to talk to you about…getting married."

Pause. "You mean…us getting married? You and me?"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Sara…"

"It's a legitimate question. Maybe you just wanted to talk about the fact that people…get married."

"Well, I'm don't. I want to know why we never talk about getting married."

"I thought that was obvious."

"What? Because it's not legal in Nevada?"

Sara gave me an odd look. "No. Because I didn't think you'd want to get married. You know, after the last time."

"You mean Eddie?"

"Have you been married to anyone else?" She waited for me to reply, but I just threw her a look. "Look," she started, "I just figured that being married to Eddie may have turned you off to the whole institution. I know we don't talk about him much, but c'mon, Cath. I'm not stupid. I know how he treated you. And I never wanted you to feel trapped in anyway. So, if you don't want to get married, I certainly don't need to."

"What if I do? Want to get married, that is."

Sara stopped. "Do you?"

"I…I've been thinking about it."

"And?"

"And I think we should. Obviously, it wouldn't be legal, and I don't care about the religiosity of the whole thing. But I think it'd be nice. To have a wedding with all of our friends and family. I think we deserve it. What do you think?"

"Do I have to wear a dress?"

I laughed. "Babe, you don't even have to wear white."

"No?" She smiled. "In, that case. Catherine Willows, will you marry me?"

"Hmm," I pretended to think. "Well…you are the mother of my children."

"As you are the mother of mine."

"And I guess I do love you with all my heart."

"Want to spend all eternity with me?"

"Yep."

"So?"

"So…yes. Yes, Sara Sidle, I will marry you."

"Better seal it with a kiss."

"Oh, yes, better."

So, that was how Sara and I got engaged. Not the most romantic of stories, but it worked for us. As for the wedding, well that would just have to wait. Sara had no intention of being a pregnant bride, and I agreed with her. We would wait until after the babies were born. But at least we had made the one step forward, actually two. Since it wouldn't be legal anyway, I began to call Sara my wife, before the wedding. Pretty soon, Sara picked up on it too.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It was officially summer. Mine and Sara's anniversary had past, as had the anniversary of Matt and Warren's deaths. The girls were out of school and enjoying the freedom. Lindsey was away at soccer camp, and Ayla was at a high school science camp at UNLV. Apparently all of the older kids thought she was the cutest thing on the planet, and had adopted her. By this time, Sara was twenty weeks along, and very obviously pregnant. She was really getting too big to work in the field, so Gil had ordered her to lab consulting only. We knew it would happen of course, but that didn't keep Sara from complaining. The weeks were flying by, and we were already halfway through the pregnancy.

"Jonas?"

"No." I vetoed the name.

"Why not?"

"Ever hear of Jonas and the Whale?"

"It's Jonah and the Whale, genius."

"It's the same thing. What about Kyle?"

"I have a really ugly cousin named Kyle."

"Taylor?"

"Oh yeah, I'd like you to meet our children Lindsey, Maggie, Ayla and Taylor."

"What's wrong with that?" I wanted to know.

"Ayla and Taylor? They're practically the same name. Besides, if we're having a son, I want him to have a boy's name."

"Taylor is a boy's name."

"Drop it, Cath."

"Fine." I sighed. I got up from the couch in the break room, "Bottle of water?"

"Sure. But could you run mine through a pound of fresh ground Columbian first?"

I snorted, "In your dreams."

"You know it, babe. I used to dream of you, but lately your face is replaced by a large steaming cup. Analyze that, oh dream master."

"Shut up." I handed her a bottle as I sank back beside her.

I was currently avoiding my paperwork by massaging Sara's feet and she was reading through various files on her latest case. While procrastinating, we took to playing our new favorite game; name the babies. We had been volleying for weeks and had yet to agree.

"Kieran?"

"Because we really want to raise a son who will later head-up the Irish mob." I retorted.

"Jeremiah?"

"In case you didn't notice, your nephew's name is Jeremy."

"Addison."

"Sara!"

At that moment, Warrick walked in, "Ladies, slacking off again, I see. What are you up to?"

"Names," I said absently.

"Names?" Warrick questioned.

"Yeah, names," Sara rolled her eyes, "You know, children need those." She turned back to me, "What's wrong with Addison?"

Warrick laughed, "Do you _want_ the kid to get the crap kicked out of him?"

I nodded at Warrick, "Thank you! Besides, you said no gender neutral names for boys, Addison is neutral."

"Fine."

"Jason?"

"Cory?"

"Max?"

We went on for another twenty minutes, by which time, Greg and Nick had come to watch us. They were smiling good-naturedly.

"What about Eli?"

"Eli? Eli Sidle-Willows?"

"I think it has a ring."

"Could we stay away from bible names, please?"

"Why?"

"I don't know, taking names from a religious text that wants to see me burned in effigy because I love you just doesn't do it for me."

"Technically it doesn't say anything about lesbianism, and anyway, every name is somewhere in the bible."

"Mine's not."

"Mine is."

"Really?"

"I am a prominent female character. Have you even read it?"

I snorted, "The last time I went to church I was fourteen and I got to second base with Michael Harris in the organ balcony."

"Well, Michael is definitely out then."

Warrick laughed at that. "So, are you guys having a boy then?"

"We don't know."

"So why not think about girls names?"

"Oh, god. I feel a migraine coming on." I put the bottle of water to my head.

"What is it?" Warrick wanted to know.

Sara explained, "We've discussed girls names for about twelve consecutive days; we can't agree."

"Ha!" I yelled incredulously, "We could agree if you would stop being so damn stubborn and move on to something else."

"Sorry, I've made up my mind."

"Sorry, you can't make up your mind about what to name _our_ child."

"What's the name she likes?"

Rolling my eyes, I shook my head and sighed, "She wants to name the baby Catherine."

"What?" Warrick grinned, "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously." Sara looked at us incredulously, "What's so bad about wanting to name my child after the love off my life?"

"In that case, Michael is back on the table." I said quickly.

I promptly received a spray of water in my face, "Screw you!"

I laughed, "Not here, dear."

Everyone laughed at that; Sara turned pink.

"What about Nick?" Nick wanted to know.

"Yeah, you know Greg is a very sturdy and versatile name."

Sara rolled her eyes, "Greg, don't you already have a nephew with your name?"

"Maybe."

"Hey, Nick," Warrick stood, asking, "you want to give me a hand on the reenactment I'm doing?"

"Sure, dude." And the two men left.

Greg followed shortly after, muttering about lab results. Sara and I soon followed suit and returned to our work. But after shift that morning, as we watched the girls playing in the pool, we continued our game.

"David?"

"Hodges?"

"Eww."

"Yeah."

"Babe, will you just concede on the Catherine thing?"

I sighed and sat back.

"What if we name her Catherine and call her something else?"

I raised an eyebrow, "What, like Kate or Katie or something?"

"No, I mean her first name is Catherine and her middle name is something else and we call her that."

"Because that won't confuse a child?"

"Will you just give me this? I love you- I love your name. It's a beautiful name."

The flattery was starting to make me cave, "If we name our daughter Catherine, that means I can't have a granddaughter named Catherine."

"I don't care. You can have a granddaughter named Sara and a daughter named Catherine. Besides, we might have two boys, thereby preserving your chances of having a Catherine in the next generation."

"Hmm…"

"So?"

"Well…"

"Please? I really want a baby Catherine." She had the cutest pouty face on.

"We'll see. We still need at least three other girls' names in case we get two, and we need at least four boys names. God, this is so much harder than naming Lindsey."

"How did you name her?"

"Linds?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I wasn't about to name her after my mother, even though I don't mind the name Lily, and I certainly wasn't going to name her after Eddie's mother; Ruth. And as much as I love my sister, Nancy really isn't my favorite name. At first I was really caught up on the name Caitlin, but Eddie said it was too much like Catherine. In the end, Lindsey is my mother's maiden name, and Flynn is mine, so; Lindsey Flynn Willows. Not the most creative, I know. But I actually like the name. Besides, I had to think of something fast. The papers came to me while I was still in the hospital. Eddie had stepped out, and he was hell bent on naming her Carrie Leigh, which, sorry, is just a little too porn star for my tastes. So I had to name her fast."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. But don't worry, I won't sign ours without you."

"You won't get to, I'm not letting you anywhere near those papers now." Sara laughed.

In the end, we actually came up with quite a few names. For girls, we liked; Olivia, Grace, Kelsey, Elizabeth, and Diana. Well, neither Sara or I was that keen on Kelsey, but the girls really liked it. And I didn't like Diana and Sara didn't like Olivia, but neither of us was willing to give them up, so they stayed on the list. If it was two girls, we were ready; Catherine Grace (to be called Gracie) and Elizabeth Kelsey (to be called Lizzie).

Boys were harder. Sara got really stuck on the name Clark for a while, so stuck in fact that we had a huge fight in which my major stance was 'I will not have Superman as a son' and Sara, in a hormonal rage kept screaming about how it was actually a classic comic. After a while, she calmed down and forfeited. Probably because I pretended for an entire hour that I really liked the name Tyson and that if she got to name one Clark then I was naming one Tyson.

There was also a Louis fiasco and a Mark fiasco. It all seemed a bit ridiculous considering we might not even use any of the names. But the thought of five daughters scared me enough to keep searching. In the end, we liked; Charley (Not Charles), Simon, and Leo. We were one name short if it was two boys.

Lindsey tried to convince us to name a boy Usher for about two days, while Maggie thought that having a brother named Elmo was a hands down idea. Ayla, in her typical shy way, said that whatever we thought was good would be fine, but if we really wanted her opinion, she was not opposed to the name Huckleberry Finn or possibly, Neptune, her favorite planet that month. I was left to wonder why children seemed to think you could name a child anything in the world.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The girls were soon to be back in school. Sara was twenty-five weeks pregnant and her belly was bulging out of her tank top and sweat pants, since she refused to invest in more than a few maternity outfits. We were reading in the hammock out in the backyard while waiting for Nancy to bring the girls back from a shopping excursion. Well, Sara was reading some crime thriller and I was watching Sara read.

We heard the clattering of feet and the jubilant yells of the girls as they came running through the house.

"Mommy?"

"We're out back!" I called.

Sara put down her book as the sliding glass door was opened and Ayla and Lindsey came running to greet us.

"Hi, guys! Did you have fun today?"

"Yeah! We got some back to school clothes- Aunt Nancy let me get a halter-top!"

"She what?!" I yelled, sitting up straight and gracelessly falling out of the hammock.

"I told her that if you didn't approve, she would have to take it back." Nancy spoke from the door, hoisting Maggie on her hip.

"Mommy, I'm nearly twelve years old! I'm going to be in _sixth_ grade this year! Everyone has them."

"Lindsey, despite what you may think, everyone does not have them. And eleven may be old enough for a training bra, but it is not old enough for a strapless one- that is what you need to wear a halter-top. You already got me to buy you that mini-skirt, I don't see why you thought this would be okay."

"This is so unfair." My little devious pre-teen turned to Sara, "Sara," she whined, "tell Mommy that this is unfair. I wanted to wear it on the first day of school."

But Sara shook her head. "Sorry, kiddo. Frankly, I don't get why people think those things are so great. Besides, it would be a major mistake to wear a halter-top on the first day of school."

"How come?"

"Because then Tyler Travis would think that you were easy which is totally not cool. You should wear your denim dress with the purple flowery tank top underneath. That way you look really pretty but you also look like you don't care what he thinks."

"Will you French braid my hair?"

"Of course, babe."

I looked from my lover to my daughter, "Who is Tyler Travis?! Why are we dressing up for him? Lindsey, why do you know what 'easy' means? And, Sara, since when are you dishing out the fashion advice?"

Sara scowled at me.

"Easy means that she'd kiss any boy that asked her to, like Claire Needham." Ayla offered up.

I looked at my eight year old, "How do you know that?"

She shrugged, "Sarah Kissinger said."

"Sarah Kissinger's sister Abby is in my grade and she's really easy. She kissed Jeff and Tony and Jose all at fifth grade graduation."

I turned to look at my sister; I didn't know what to make of this development of sexual awareness in my daughter- seriously, not okay. "Nancy, you want to stay for dinner?"

"Actually, I'm making you dinner."

"What?"

"She's _helping _us make you guys dinner." Ayla corrected, pushing Sara in the hammock."

Lindsey smiled in the way that said she was hiding something, "We have something we want to talk to you about…" And with that, she took Ayla's hand and they disappeared inside calling back for Nancy to hurry up.

Sara and I looked at Nancy.

She smiled, "Don't worry, you'll like it."

"Can we get a hint?" Sara smiled and opened her arm to me as I crawled back into the hammock.

Nancy shook her head, "Nope. Dinner will be ready in half an hour; you guys just take it easy."

As curious as I was about what the girls were scheming about, I was perfectly content to curl up with Sara for another few minutes. When Nancy and all three girls were safely back in the house, I turned in her arms. She had returned to reading her book, one handed, while the other was wrapped around my waist. I coughed to get her attention, but she was fully absorbed.

"Ahem." I coughed again, none too subtly pulling the book from her hand.

"Hey!" She protested.

"Hey." I replied, but my tone was very different from hers, low enough and husky enough for her to look in my eyes.

She smiled her cocky smile and pulled me closer until I could feel her pregnant belly against me. "Hey," she repeated, her tone now matching mine, "are those bullets down your shirt or are you just happy to see me?"

I groaned, "That was so amazingly lame."

"Kiss me." She pushed our noses together.

"Oh, alright. If you insist." I grinned into her lips before taking their softness in mine. I flung her book into the grass over my shoulder and threw one of my legs over both of hers.

"Oh, baby!" she giggled, pinching my side.

"Shut up, you know you like it."

"Yes, I do."

I slipped my tongue passed her lips and stopped her from talking for a good ten minutes.

"Jesus." I exclaimed, rolling back for some air.

"I think the girls are going to bed early tonight." Sara said, casually.

"They're probably really tired from such a long day out," I agreed.

But the girls did not go to bed early. Just as they had said, the girls made dinner for us (with Nancy's help of course). Spaghetti Alfredo and brownies. They had worked so hard on it, Sara and I didn't even make them eat vegetables- I think that may have been part of the plan. After dinner, Nancy took her leave, saying she had to be in at work early tomorrow.

Ayla and Lindsay and Maggie pulled Sara and I over to the living room and pushed us onto the couch. They pulled a big armchair up so that they could sit in front of us, Ayla and Lindsey side by side with Maggie curled up in Lindsey's lap. For the first time that night I started to think that this might actually be about something important. Apparently Sara had the same idea because she took my hand and raised her eyebrows questioningly. I just shrugged; I had no more idea than she did as to what was going on. We turned and looked expectantly at the girls.

Ayla shyly looked at Lindsey, fully expecting her to start. I loved watching them interact and seeing how close they were, how close they had been since the beginning. We had officially all been together for about a year and two months. We had been living together for less than a year, but I had a hard time remembering what Lindsey's and my lives had been like when there were only two of us living here and not soon to be seven.

Lindsey smiled nervously at us. She was so cute trying to be grown up. As the oldest, she clearly felt responsible.

"Okay, so me and Ayla have been talking about this a lot lately and then last night, we told Maggie and she thought it was a good idea, so we talked to Aunt Nancy about it today while we were shopping."

"And Aunt Nancy said it was a good idea, too." Ayla put in for good measure. She clearly thought there was a chance they were going to get in trouble and was making sure to point the blame somewhere else before they even got started.

"It is a good idea." Maggie insisted, she smiled the mischievous smile that everyone always found so irresistible, "I like it!"

I smiled encouragingly at her, "Then, I'm sure we'll like it, too."

She beamed at me. Ah. She was so cute. Her little bouncy curls. I couldn't help but wonder if either of the twins was going to have curls like that.

Lindsey went on, "Well, we were thinking about the babies coming and we were wondering what they were going to call you." She paused and I thought maybe she was waiting for an answer.

"Linds, the babies won't be talking for a while…"

"Yeah, we know that, but we wanted to know anyways, so we asked Olivia what she calls her moms. She says that she calls Sydney 'Mom' and Mercedes 'Mama.'"

Sara nodded, "We were thinking something along those lines, we hadn't exactly figured that out yet."

"We did." Ayla said firmly.

I raised an eyebrow, curious in spite of myself. I wanted to hear what they had come up with, "You did?"

All three girls nodded.

"So?"

"So, we were thinking that since I already call you," she looked at me, "Mommy _and _Mom, that it would make the most sense if Sara was Mama. That way it would be less confusing."

Maggie shook her head as if this part had been her idea, she looked at Sara, "Mama!" she said, grinning.

I felt Sara stiffen beside me. I knew what it cost her to hear Maggie say that word. Maggie didn't know she was Sara's biological daughter. Looking at Sara, I saw that she was on the verge of tears. I gripped her hand beside me even tighter. If that made my over-emotional, hormonal, pregnant wife overwhelmed, then what came next was a complete shock. Actually, it was a complete shock to both of us.

I looked at Lindsey, "That makes sense."

"Yeah, well there's another part."

I thought there would be, "Yes?"

"Yeah, well, we thought it would be really confusing for our brothers or sisters if we were always calling you Catherine and Sara..."

I nodded, still not sure where this was going. Sara seemed to have some idea though, because she started to tremble and squeezed my hand. I urged Lindsey to continue.

Lindsey put on a hopeful face, "We were thinking it would be easier if we called you guys Mom and Mama too. Well, I already call you Mommy, Mommy. But if I called Sara 'Mama, it would be more like she was my real Mom and since I always wanted her to be anyway…"

Lindsey trailed off because Sara had started sob. She looked worriedly at Sara and then questioningly at me. Sara had started randomly breaking into tears at inopportune moment a few weeks ago, but this time I think it was validated. I put an arm around Sara's shoulders, "She's okay, sweetie; she just really likes your idea is all." Lindsey's proposition had touched me, too. I could understand why Sara was so choked up, but I was hesitant.

I looked at the girls, "This is really sweet, guys, but are you sure?"

Lindsey and Ayla nodded, "We talked about it _a lot_." Ayla said.

When Sara regained some control, she looked at Ayla and Maggie, "What about your dads?"

Ayla shrugged, "We love Daddy and Papa," she agreed, "and we miss them. But we've never had a mom before, and now we have two. That's cool."

At that, tears stung my eyes and I wiped at my face.

Maggie jumped off Lindsey's lap and came over to me. She climbed into my lap and touched my face with both hands, "Don't you want to be my Mommy?" she asked.

I hugged her even as tears came down my cheek, "Of course I do, sweetheart." I kissed her cheek and gestured for Ayla to come join us, I winked at Lindsey, "Of course I do," I put an arm around Ayla, "I love you and your sister very much. I just want to make sure you really want to be my little girls. You think you would like that?"

Maggie just kissed my nose and giggled, "Of course, silly. We love you."

"A lot." Ayla added. "Besides, we're adopted now. So we are yours."

I looked at Sara with her arm around our oldest daughter and saw that we were both crying. I leaned over to wipe a tear from her face and Maggie toppled into her lap with a "Whoa!" and a surprised giggle. She placed both her hands on Sara's belly and kissed it, "Hello, babies!" she said. It was her customary greeting every time she came in the room. Whenever she left she would always repeat the process only saying 'goodbye' instead of 'hello'.

Sara ran her fingers through Maggie's curls, "Is that the same for me, too, kiddo?"

Maggie laughed, "Yah!"

Ayla climbed over me to lie on the back of the couch with her head above Sara's, "Sara, even before Daddy and Papa died you were our Mama."

Sara paled, "What?"

Ayla nodded, "Papa said. He said when you signed those papers for us to come and live with you. He said that when he and Daddy decided to have me and Maggie that you helped them. Only boys and girls can have babies together. That's why you look like Maggie and me. You're our Mom like Catherine-" Ayla smiled, "I mean Mommy, is Lindsey's Mommy. We're genetically related. Greg says it means we have the same DNA. Didn't you know that, Sara?"

My heart fluttered, once when I heard the word 'Mommy' on Ayla's lips and realized she was talking about me, and again when I saw the look on my Sara's face.

She had the most serene smile, tears still coming down in buckets, "Yes, sweetheart, I knew that. But I didn't know you did. Why didn't you tell me?"

Ayla quirked her eyebrow in a way so like Sara, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Sara quirked an eyebrow back, "Umm…I guess I wasn't sure that you would be okay with it."

"Why not?"

"Well, I loved your Daddy and Papa very much, and I always wanted you to think of them as your parents."

"I do. But that doesn't mean you can't still be my Mama, does it?"

Sara looked at me, a little surprised with her answer, "No, I guess it doesn't."

It was strange. In the world I grew up in- the sixties and seventies in Western ranch country, a family was designed by the parents. A man and a woman had children, maybe a pet. There were grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles, and they all lived within a two-hour drive. There were no divorces, no stepmothers, no half-brothers or sisters. Just two and a half kids and a hand-chopped Christmas tree.

In the world Sara grew up in- the seventies and eighties in central California, a family was designed by one's lifestyle. Maybe people got married, maybe they didn't; maybe they had three kids together and then went their separate way. Your aunts and uncles might not be related to you, they were just good friends of your parents. You might not ever meet you grandparents because they live on the other side of the country. Or, if you were like Sara, maybe you didn't have a real family until you were twenty-five years old.

Our children were growing up in a world where the word family could mean whatever you wanted it to. There were six different genetic contributors in our family. Two of our daughters had four parents. Two were dead, but that didn't make them any less important. Ayla and Maggie would always carry a part of Matt and Warren, as Lindsey would always carry a part of Eddie.

I was only blood-related to three fifths of my children and I had only given birth to one of the five. Sara had spent the first few years of her biological children's lives as their aunt and only seeing them every few months. Lindsey hadn't met her eight and four year-old sisters until she was eleven. She had only known one of her mothers since she was eight. At eleven, with only seven years of childhood left, she had only just gained a responsible, loving second parent.

And the babies. The babies would come into this world and know only the life they were born into. For them, this whole thing would be your everyday, average family. What's strange about having two moms? And plenty of kids get half their DNA from complete strangers. A bunch of them probably have a half-sister who's twelve years older than them, two sisters that share no part of their genetic code whatsoever, and a mother who also has no genetic ties to them but did incubate them in her uterus for the better part of a year. Plus a twin brother or sister. Sure. That happens all the time. Or at least that's what my two youngest children would think.

These days, a family could mean anything, could be comprised of anyone and everyone. Lindsey and me by ourselves were a family. The CSI team is a family, in its way. Sara and Matt and Warren and Tim and Larry were a family. Families can have one parent or two, but they can also have five or none. Families can be mixes of religions, ethnicities, genders, sexualities, and ages. Our children live with two parents and at least two sisters and two undetermined. See? They aren't that out of the ordinary.

Our children are growing up in a very different world from the one either Sara or I knew as children. They live in a world where you never stop to think before assuming that you can have two parents and then decide to add your biological mother and her wife to the list.

A part of me loved that they thought like this- that they were adopting us as much as we were adopting them. But a part of me worried, too. I knew that even though there were other families like ours, we were in no way the norm in any part of the world. I worried for my children and my wife. We had chosen a hard route.

"So, does that mean you like our plan?" Lindsey interrupted

Sara wiped her eyes and pulled Lindsey over so that we were all squished onto the couch, "We love your plan, sweetie. In fact, we think it's the best plan ever!" She tickled my daughter- our daughter, playfully.

Lindsey giggled and slid to the floor. Soon it was an all out tickle war- Sara and I against the girls. Afterward we put in their favorite movie- Homeward Bound, and stayed up late playing games and eating junk. That night, when we finally got them into bed, I heard Lindsey whisper 'Goodnight, Mama' to Sara and I almost cried. When I kissed Maggie and she told me, 'Sweet dreams, Mommy,' I actually did burst into tears.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

A couple of weeks later, I ran into one of my old friends from my dancing days. A friend who, like me, was one of the few that got out of the business just in time. Shauna told me that she and her husband had moved out to Oregon for a few years and were now back. They had two kids. She had gotten her bachelor's degree and was now an accountant.

She asked about me, asked if I was still married to Eddie. The question surprised me because I hadn't been around anyone who didn't know about the divorce in so long.

"No," I told her, "That was over a long time ago."

"I heard from Bevy awhile back and she said you had a baby."

"Yeah, Lindsey. She's eleven now, and really becoming a teenager. My wife told me yesterday that she was invited to her first boy-girl party."

"Wife?" She asked and I paused.

It hadn't even occurred to me to not say anything about Sara. Since we got engaged, I never hide our relationship. Not that I did before, but I used to keep it on the quiet side. But I had nothing to fear from this woman. In our dancing days, we had had more than a few wild times. Instead of explaining, I pulled out the digital camera Sara had gotten me for my birthday and showed her the pictures I had taken that weekend of all of us at the butterfly garden with Nick and Greg.

"Yeah, my wife, Sara," I said, showing her a photo of Sara.

It was a great shot; she was smiling a huge smile straight at the camera and there were two butterflies in her hair and one on her shoulder.

"She's beautiful."

"I know. She's amazing." I grinned.

"You know, I always thought you would end up with a woman. I couldn't believe it when you and Eddie tied the knot. I'm glad you've found someone to make you happy."

"Thanks. Yeah, we're all really happy."

"All?"

"Mhmm."

I changed the screen to show a picture of Lindsey with Maggie on her shoulders and Ayla right next to her pointing to something off camera.

"These are our three girls; Lindsey's the blonde, Maggie's the little one- she's four, and Ayla's the one that looks just like Sara, she's eight."

"Oh, Cathy, they're just gorgeous."

I beamed with pride, "Thanks, they're great girls."

"Wow. Three kids. Your wife must be a saint. We love Alexis and Kyle, but I don't think Bill or I could handle another one," Shauna shook her head, "we're just too exhausted."

I grinned, "Actually…" I put away the camera and reached into my bag for the photo I kept there.

Ever since we found out Sara was pregnant, I had taken to keeping a photo of her and the girls with me at all times. People kept asking how they were, and since Sara's body was changing so fast, I tried to update the photo every couple of weeks.

This one was only a week old, from our latest outing with Olivia, Sadie, and Sydney. On one side, Ayla and Maggie were smiling from a picnic blanket, their faces covered in peanut butter and jelly. Sara was on the other side, leaning against a tree and watching them fondly.

Her body was perfectly profiled and her hand rested protectively on her very round belly. She looked beautiful, all glowing like that. I never could quite get over that we were having babies together. Every time I saw her I got this fluttering feeling in my stomach.

I handed the photo over to Shauna, "I took that a week ago." I said.

"Oh, my gosh, Cathy, four kids? That's amazing. She looks about ready to pop. When's she due?"

"Not for another three months; we're having twins."

Shauna's jaw dropped. "Seriously?"

I couldn't keep the proud look off my face that day, "Yep. Five. It's going to be great. Sara's doing really well with the pregnancy and the girls are really excited."

"Wow. Well, I- congratulations, I guess. I would die before trying to raise five kids, but if you're happy, then that's really great."

"Thanks. You know, why don't you come by sometime? Sara's been looking for an excuse to buy a water slide. She says it will be fun for the girls, but I think she just wants one for her self. Come hang out, bring the kids and Bill and we'll make a day of it."

"Yeah? That would be great. We've been trying to meet people with kids since we moved back, you know, so Alexis and Kyle can make new friends, but it's so tough in the summertime."

"Here, why don't you take my card? It has my email. Just write whenever you want to get together. After week thirty, we'll be on baby alert, but we'll be around."

"Great! I'm glad I ran into you. Hope everything goes well with the babies."

"Thanks, I'm sure everything will be fine."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**So, qu'est-ce que vous pensez? What do you think? Remember, I'm fighting the dreadful disease of writer's block. Ten thousand reviews a day keepeth the writer's block at bay. As the little known saying goes…REVIEW! GO!**


	32. Sara!

A/N: I know, this took forever

**A/N: I know, this took forever. I'm naughty and I deserve to be punished. But I have a defense! I still had writer's block. It sucks. I am actually a writer by profession, and I the block full stop. I couldn't write anything. But now, hopefully, I'm back.**

**So sit back and enjoy!**

**By the way I just want to send a shout out to Rachel who's support made this update possible. Thanks, babe!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Part of expecting twins was preparing for twins. And there we incurred several problems. Outside of work, Sara drove a white compact, and I had a green Jeep. Both were five passenger cars, and in just a couple of months, we were going to be a family of seven. Problem one.

We were living in a three bedroom house that was already bursting at the seams. Problem two.

The answer to the first problem was simple; we needed a new car, or more specifically, we needed a mini-van. Sara was crushed that we would have to own such a slow, fuel-inefficient car, but there it was.

"What if we just…I don't know, drive the kids in two cars?" Sara whined as we walked up and down the rows of cars.

I smiled. It was a hot September day, I had just dropped the girls off at school, picked Sara up, and now we were searching a car lot for our new family sized vehicle. "Because that's energy efficient?" Poor Sara. It was hot, and she was miserable. "Not to mention inconvenient and time-consuming. You're not going to win this one."

Sara more or less waddled behind me, slurping her forty ounce iced tea and scowling at me. "There are other seven-passenger cars, Cath. Why does it have to be a mini-van?"

"Nancy has had a mini-van for five years. She's been in three accidents and no one has ever been hurt. What does that tell you?"

"That your sister needs to learn to drive?"

I turned and slapped her arm. "No. That they're safe." I continued walking. "Mini-vans are designed as family vehicles. Those other monster trucks are just disasters waiting to happen- Ah! Ow!" I felt something cold skittle down my back. I spun to see Sara smiling impishly, holding a handful of ice cubes from her open drink.

"Oops."

I fought to keep a straight face. "Yeah, oops."

"How did that happen?"

"Gee. I don't know." I took some of the ice from her hand and put it in my mouth. "Actually, it felt kind of good."

"Yeah? Turn around."

"Oh, sure, that's gonna happen."

"I'm not gonna do it again, just turn around." She pushed at me shoulder.

Cautiously, I turned my back. A second later I felt coolness on my neck. I rolled my shoulders and closed my eyes. "God, that feels good. It's so damn hot."

"Hmm." We just stood there for a minute.

"Is there something I can assist you ladies with?" I jumped at the sound of new voice and the ice once again trickled down my back. Turning around, I saw a young man with a clipboard. He was in his late twenties with some unfortunate early balding.

"That depends," I smiled. "Do you actually work here or are you just doing a survey?"

He laughed falsely. "No, I work here, my name is Don Sandal and I'm here to help."

Sara finished putting the lid on her drink and turned to the man. She pointed at her stomach. "Twins. Three more at home. Need bigger car. Hate mini-vans." She smiled quickly. "Help."

I frowned at her. "We're not opposed to mini-vans."

"Yes, we are."

"Well, there are several options, and a mini-van certainly is one of them. Why don't I take you through our most popular models, and we'll just go from there?" He guided us into the air conditioned building. "You should take a seat, ma'am." He waved Sara into a chair and I took the one beside it.

"Now, is this going to be your primary vehicle?"

"Yes." Sara sat as far forward as she could and I sat back. She was much better at this kind thing than I was.

"And is your sister also going to be driving the vehicle?"

Sara stopped. "My what?"

He slowly turned his head toward me. "Your sis…ter."

Sara looked at me. I turned to _Don, _my eyebrows high. "Sisters?" I smirked, and Sara started laughing. "Do we look like sisters to you?"

Don looked between us and swallowed hard. "Umm…no. I guess not."

After the initial embarrassment, Don was actually a really good sport about the whole thing, and he sold us a really great car. Or should I say SUV. We did not get a mini-van, which I learned to live with. They really are sort of clunky cars anyway.

Our other problem was the problem of space. We were already a family of five in a three bedroom/ two bathroom house. And with two more on the way and three girls who were taking increasingly more time in the bathroom each morning, we needed a new working plan and fast. Obviously, we needed to move, but neither Sara nor I wanted to go through the drama of moving while she was still pregnant. But we decided to look at few houses anyway, just to see what was out there.

What was out there was not a lot. All of the houses in all of the good neighborhoods were _at least_ a million dollars. And if we wanted a four bedroom house in a good school district, it was going to be at least three million dollars. Now technically, yes, with Sara's money that she inherited from Matt and Warren, we could afford a house that expensive. But it just didn't seem worth it, especially after we decided to tour the local elementary school.

"Hello, may I help you?"

"Yes, I'm Catherine Willows, and this is my wife, Sara Sidle. We called about a tour yesterday? We have a one o'clock appointment with a…" I looked down at the card in my hand, "a Whitney Davenport."

The woman behind the front desk flicked her eyes between Sara and I for a moment before smiling tightly. "I'll let her know you're here. Take a seat please."

I looked at the low sofa and then at Sara. "You need help?"

"Uh…I think I'll stand for now."

I smiled at the woman whose nameplate read Deb March. "We'll stand, thanks."

The woman nodded and disappeared out the door and down a corridor to her right. Five minutes later Deb returned with another woman in tow. She was tall and her dirty blonde hair pulled back in bun. She wore a sensible tan suit jacket over a very modest brown pencil skirt. She looked to be only about Sara's age, but her attire and mannerisms made her appear much older.

She smiled at us as she walked in and held out her hand to me first. "Ms. Willows? I'm Whitney Davenport, we spoke on the phone."

I held her grip, "Call me Catherine."

She nodded, "Catherine." She turned to Sara, "And you must be Ms. Sidle, it's nice to meet you."

"And you, Ms. Davenport."

The woman looked down Sara's stomach and smiled again. "When are you due?"

"Two months." Sara held up a hand. "I know what you're going to say. Yes. I am a whale. It's only going to get worse. It's twins."

"Twins? Well, congratulations."

"Thank you."

There was a coughing noise behind me and I turned to see Deb March looking deliberately at Ms. Davenport.

"Oh, yes. Deb needs to give each of you a form to sign so that you can get your visitor's pass. We take security very seriously around here."

I filled out my form and handed it back to Deb who looked at it like she'd rather not touch it, but took it any way. She took Sara's in the same manner, and Sara frowned. A minute later, passes were printed out with our names on them. When Deb handed them over she glared sharply at us.

As Whitney Davenport guided us out the door, Sara muttered, "What the hell is her problem?"

When we were safely out in the hall, Ms. Davenport replied, "Don't worry about Deb, she was just caught off guard. You see, there was some confusion over the appointment you made. We didn't realize that the two of you were…partners. We thought you were just two friends who wanted a tour. Deb's a bit old fashioned, but she's really nice when you get to know her."

Sara snorted. "I'll bet."

"Is it that uncommon for there to be gay couples here?" I asked.

"Well, we do try to encourage diversity here. We even have a school choice program for some of the inner city African-American students. But we don't get a lot of gay families here. We had one for a while, but there son went on to the middle school last year."

"Huh." Well, it wasn't like I was expecting the hallways to be flooded with lesbian moms, but to be the only ones? That was quite a distinction.

"Would you say our girls would have trouble fitting in because they have two moms?"

"Oh, no. Our whole community is taught to very accepting towards others. We even have a gay teacher."

I raised my eyebrows. "Really? A gay _teacher?_ That's…fascinating."

Sara stifled a laugh.

The rest of the tour went on this way. And the more we saw of the school, the more we disliked it. This community was nothing but a bunch of spoiled upper middle class white kids taught to have no free thinking skills or creativity. It was not the place for us. So, the problem of space remained a problem, one we would have to solve after the babies were born. For now, they would sleep in our room and we would just have to come up with something else when they were too big to do that.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Mom! Lindsey locked me out of the bathroom!" That was Ayla calling from upstairs.

I sighed. "Use the one downstairs!"

"My toothbrush is in this one!"

I looked at Sara on the couch. She raised her eyebrows. "Lindsey!" I called.

"I'm busy!" Came the reply.

I stood up from my chair. "Doing what?"

"Nothing!" After living with this girl for nearly twelve years, I knew her tones. And this one was just the slightest bit guilty.

I headed for the stairs. "Lindsey Willows, what are you doing?"

"I said, nothing!" This time she sounded even more distressed.

Ayla stood back as I approached and knocked on the door. "Lindsey, get out here right this second!"

"No!"

"Now!"

"No!"

"Lindsey…" My voice was warning and dangerous.

"Fine." The door opened slowly and she came out with her head down.

"Lindsey, look at me."

She shook her head.

I took her chin in my hand and brought her face up. _Oh, dear. _I fought to keep a straight face. "Linds? What did you do?"

"Nothing?" Now she sounded like she was guessing.

"Did you take my makeup?" I didn't remember having a shade of lipstick quite that…pink.

"No…"

"Did you take Sara's makeup?"

She pursed her lips. "Kind of."

"Kind of?" The corner of my mouth quirked. She really did look like a clown.

She rolled her eyes. "Sara doesn't have any cool colored lipstick or eye shadow. But I took her skin stuff and mascara and stuff. I took them last week. It's not like she uses them."

"Where did you get the lipstick and the, the umm…_blue_ eye shadow?"

"I bought them."

"How?"

"I gave my allowance money to Meghan and she bought them for me when she went to the mall with her big sister."

"Gotcha."

"Are you mad?"

"Not exactly. Except…honey why are you putting on makeup? You're beautiful without it."

Ayla giggled, "She wants to look pretty for Tyler Travis."

"Shut up!"

"Lindsey!"

"Sorry."

I turned to Ayla. "Is Tyler Travis a boy at school?" The name sounded familiar.

She nodded, grinning. "He's like the cutest boy in the whole school. And he's going out a _sixth grader_. They've been going out for like two weeks already."

_How dramatic._ I turned back to Lindsey. "If he has a girlfriend, why do you like him?"

She scrunched her nose. "He doesn't really like her. He's just going out with her because she's older and popular. Besides, he told Jason who told Eric who told Emily who told _me_ that he really likes me."

"Then why is he going out with someone else?"

She threw up her arms. "I don't know! Maybe because I'm not pretty enough! His _girlfriend_ is like super pretty and she wears makeup."

"She does?"

"Well, she wears glittery lip gloss and mascara. But I want to be even prettier than her, so I have to wear more makeup."

I took her hand and led her back into the bathroom. Wetting a washcloth, I smiled at her. "You do not need to wear more makeup. You don't need to wear _any_ makeup. You are beautiful just the way you are." I wiped at her face even as she protested the action.

"Yeah, right. Come on, Mom. You wear makeup like, all the time."

"Not to impress boys, I don't."

"You used to. Before Sara."

_Walked right into that one._ "Well…I'm older. I have to wear make-up so I don't look like a scary old lady." This inspired a laugh. "But you, my dear, are still very young. So you don't need makeup."

"But I want it."

"Not today. How about tomorrow, we wake up a half an hour early and have a whole makeover. How does that sound?"

"I have to get up early?" she whined.

"That's the way it works if you want it done right. Makeup is a commitment."

She looked at me as I dried her face. "Then maybe I should wait for a little while."

I smiled. "I think that's a good idea." I touched her nose with my finger. "Now, hurry up. Miss Ayla needs to brush her teeth, and you need to get your shoes on. We don't want to be late for Aunt Nancy." I sighed my relief as I watched my oldest child clamber down the stairs.

These days, since Sara was officially too big to fit behind the steering wheel, my sister was taking the older girls to school while I drove Maggie. It wasn't a problem; Jeremy went to the same school as Linds and Ayla, and Nancy used to drive Lindsey to school all the time before Sara and I got together.

When I got home, child free, I found Sara on the couch, right where I had left her. I sighed as I collapsed beside her, resting my head on her shoulder. "I'm so not ready for this."

"For what?" She never looked up from her newspaper.

"This." I gestured at the upstairs. "My daughter, our daughter, growing up, being interested in boys and all of that."

"Is this about Tyler Travis?"

"Yes!" I waved a hand wildly. "Who the _hell_ is Tyler Travis?"

Sara rolled her eyes. "C'mon, Mom," she pitched her voice. "He's just like the totally coolest boy ever!"

"Yeah. Caught that." I hit my forehead on her shoulder. "But who is he? And why is my daughter putting on makeup to impress him?"

"Makeup, hmm?"

"Gallons of it."

Sara laughed. "That's so cute."

"This is serious!"

Sara smiled and patted my thigh. "Cath, she's _eleven_. It's harmless."

"Yeah, tell me that a year from now when this Tyler Travis is knocking on our front door with roses and an agenda."

"A year from now? Honey, twelve year-olds don't have agendas. They don't even date."

I just looked at her.

"What?" She looked disbelieving. "_You?"_ She blinked. "You went on a date when you were twelve years old?"

"Not only did I go on a date, I had a boyfriend. For three months I dated Dale Weatherly. He was fourteen."

"_Fourteen? Fourteen?_ And did you…? I mean…what did you _do_?"

I shrugged. "Kissing mostly. Second base was as far as it went."

"But you were twelve. Was there anything to…you know, when he got to second base?"

"Oh, I developed early. So did Nancy. I was completely done growing in all departments by the time I was thirteen."

"Thirteen? Lindsey's not that far away from thirteen." Now, Sara looked worried.

"That's what I'm saying. And after thirteen is fourteen, and I lost my virginity at fourteen."

"_Fourteen?_ Jesus, Cath. How?"

"Well, there's this thing called sexual intercourse…"

I received a slap on the arm. "Not what I meant."

"I know. Uh…well. My friend Daphne Bridgeport had an older brother, Scottie…"

"On second thought, maybe I don't want to hear this."

"…And he was on leave from the army for New Year's. There was quite a bit of leftover mistletoe and eggnog and…the rest is history."

"Wow. You were so young."

"Yeah, well, I didn't look it, and I tried hard not to act it. Why, how old were you?"

Sara muttered something under her breath and looked away.

"What was that?"

"I said, like I'm telling you."

"C'mon. I can't believe I don't know already."

"There's a reason for that."

I smiled. "Tell me."

"You'll make fun of me."

"Will not. I swear."

Sara sighed. "Fine. I was twenty, okay?"

"Twenty?"

"See, I knew you'd make fun."

"Honey," I rested a hand on the baby bump, "don't go all hormonal on me now. I am not making fun of you. I think it's sweet."

"Yeah, sure."

"I do. So, tell me. How'd it happen?"

Sara quirked a reluctant smile. "Spring break my sophomore year, a bunch of friends and I went up to Montreal for the week. My best friend Kathleen and I shared a room. Our second day there, she caught me changing and she was really weird about it for the rest of the day. Well, so was I- I had had the hugest crush on her since about the day we met. Anyway, we stayed up late talking and one thing led to another and in the morning I was no longer a virgin."

"Aw. That's a great story. I wish my first time had been with my best friend. What happened? Did you guys go out?"

Sara shook her head. "Nah. We were together for the rest of the week, and then we went home. I asked her out, she didn't want to date a girl- told me very emphatically that she was _not _a lesbian, and we were never friends again."

"Bitch."

"Yeah, well, she was just confused. Now she lives with a woman in Mexico, running a high-class fitness center and spa."

"Ha."

"I can't believe you lost your virginity at fourteen. Lindsey's going to be fourteen in three years."

"Exactly, so don't tell me not to worry."

She shook her head. "I'm not ready for this. Do you realize that when she starts dating, we are going to have two preschoolers running around the house? How are we supposed to stop her from running off with God knows who?"

"Mmm…make her baby-sit while we go out on the town?"

"Yeah, that could work, or…how do you feel about a chastity belt?"

I laughed.

"Just 'til she's eighteen?"

"I think Linds is smart enough now to realize she could go to the police with that one. I don't think it has a prayer of working in five years."

"Home schooling then."

This made me laugh harder. "That's even more ridiculous than a chastity belt. Who's going to home school her when we've got four other kids driving us crazy. No, I think we're just going to have to accept that she's growing up. I don't want to, but we've gotta."

"Well, on the bright side, we get to do the whole thing all over again. Twice. Starting in about two months."

I stretched out on my stomach and faced 'the babies.' I hugged and kissed them as Sara ran her fingers through my hair. "Hey, guys. You won't grow up too fast will you? Hmm?" I drew lazy circles on Sara's exposed skin.

Suddenly she jumped. "Oh!" Her hands came up to her stomach. She smiled at me. "Do you think that was a yes or a no?"

"Which one was it?"

Sara pointed to her left side. "Baby B. The feisty one. She wouldn't leave me alone all last night."

I quirked an eyebrow at her. "She?"

Sara shrugged. "Or he, I guess. I just get a feeling sometimes…then other times I have no clue. So who knows?"

I placed a hand over her left side. "I like 'she.' Our little girl."

"Our _fourth_ little girl. Besides, what if it's a boy?"

I smiled, "We'll let the girls loose on him with tutus and boas and turn him into a diva fruitcake in no time."

Sara giggled in a very un-Sara like way. "And then have to worry about what kind of boys he brings home."

"Oh, God, we've got fifteen years until then, I really don't want to think about it." I rested my head against her stomach in time to hear a very loud grumble. I looked up at her.

"Hey, I'm eating for three here."

I sat up and patted her thigh. "Alright, let's get the three of you some lunch." Standing I asked, "What'll it be?"

Sara's eyes gleamed. "Chinese take-out? Stuffed tofu and an eggplant hotpot- extra spicy? And some veggie dumplings and…that's it. No, wait. And an order of lo-mein."

I looked at the ceiling trying to remember. "So that's what? An B26, a B17, an A11, and a…C14?"

Sara nodded, "Perfect."

I stood up and kissed her. "Back in a flash, darlin'."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

At thirty-two weeks, Sara started getting a lot of false contractions called Braxton Hicks, and the doctor officially forbade her from going to work. At all. In fact, her orders were to have Sara under house arrest until the babies were born. Now, keeping Sara in the lab had been hard, but at least she could go out to eat or to the park. Try telling her that she can't leave the house. I was actually surprised at how long she put up with it. But after two weeks, she was going stir crazy.

"Well, it's official. There's no way around it." Sara looked over her bare stomach at me. "I'm fat."

I laughed as I pulled on a tank top and lay beside her on the bed. "You're not fat. You're pregnant."

"Big ol' fat pregnant lady." Sara insisted. "I'm a blimp. I barely fit in the shower anymore."

I kissed her belly and then her lips. "Well, if it helps, you're almost done. Just six weeks left, probably not even that many."

"God, I'm bored. Can't we just go for a walk?"

"No. Doctors orders."

"What's the worst that could happen? My water could break on the Devlin's prize-winning lawn and it would take us an extra five minutes to get to the hospital."

"No."

"C'mon, Cath. I have nothing to do. I've cleaned everything that doesn't involve me seeing my toes, I've read everything, I've watched more TV than I knew existed. Just a walk, please? I need the fresh air."

"Go sit in the hammock."

"Grr. Fine. Then at least stay with me." She rolled on her side and hugged me around the waist. "Hmm. Let's just stay here forever."

"Mmm. That would be lovely. But I need to put pants on."

"Why?" Sara whined.

I kissed her nose. "Because I have to go pick up Maggie, and then Greg and I are going grocery shopping."

Her eyes lit up, "I want to go grocery shopping!"

"Forget it."

"Oh, c'mon!"

"No way."

"Please! I'm dying here, Cat. Just take me in the car, I won't even go into the store."

"Sar…"

"Please!" She looked at me with irresistible puppy dog eyes.

Why must I be so easily defeated? "Fine. I'll swing by to pick you and the older girls up after I get Maggie, and we'll all go to the store together. But you will not be doing any shopping."

"Scout's honor! I won't even get out of the car."

"If you do, I'll have my mother come here and baby-sit you every day until the babies are born."

"I swear to God."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Mama, put your seatbelt on."

"It doesn't fit."

I looked in the rearview mirror. "Sara, put your seatbelt on."

"It doesn't fit."

"Put it on under the belly."

"Cath, c'mon." She complained.

"Sar, this car does not move until _everybody _has there seatbelt on. If you can't find a way to make it fit, you're staying home."

"Here, Sara, I'll help you." Greg unclipped his seatbelt and came forward.

"Greg, if you try to cop a feel while you're down there, I swear to God…"

"What's cop a feel?"

"Umm…it's a grown up thing, Mags. Thanks, Greg."

"No problem. Okay, Cath, we're ready to rock n' roll."

"Alright. For the record, though, I still think this is a really bad idea."

"Duly noted. Now can we go?"

We succeeded in two minutes of relative silence before, "Punch buggy! No punch backs!"

"Ow! Mommy, Lindsey punched me."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"It's a game."

"I told you, I hate that game."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Girls! Be quiet. Lindsey, I saw you punch your sister and I didn't like it."

"Mom, it's a game."

"I don't care. I didn't like it, and Ayla didn't like it. You need to apologize." I looked in the rearview mirror to see a huffy Lindsey with her arms crossed in front of her. "Linds…"

She muttered something incomprehensible.

"What was that?"

"I said, I'm sorry, okay?" She turned to Ayla, "You can punch me back if you want."

Ayla seemed to seriously consider this before saying, "No. I'm too mature for that."

I fought a grin, and Sara snorted into her fist, but Greg didn't bother to hide it and just out and out laughed.

When we reached the grocery store, Greg said, "Hey Cath, if it's okay with you, I'll just stay out here and keep Sara company."

I nodded as I stepped out of the SUV, "That's fine. Okay, who's coming with me and who's staying with Mama and Uncle Greg?"

"I'll stay with Mama."

"Yeah, me too. Food shopping is boring."

"I wanna go with Mommy!" Maggie grinned at me.

"I've got one loyal one at least." I opened Sara's door and smiled in at her. "Now, you be good."

"Yes, Mom." She rolled her eyes

I leaned in and kissed her. "Thirty minutes tops. See you later, Mama." I rested a hand on her belly. "Bye, angels." I grabbed Maggie's hand and we headed off to the store. "Wanna hold the list, Maggie May?"

"Yeah!"

"Alright, you want to ride in the cart or walk this time?"

"Cart!"

"What's the magic word?"

"Please!"

"That's right, okay, up you go."

"What do we get first?"

"Let's see what the list says."

"Ice cream!"

"It does not say that!"

"Uh-huh."

"No, it says spinach and then it says zucchini."

Maggie made a face. "Yuck!"

"You like the lasagna I make with zucchini."

"Oh, yeah. Ooh, what's that? I want that!"

"That's mozzarella. It's cheese. You want to try some?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay. Here put this in the basket. No, Maggie, don't try to open it here. You can have some as soon as we get home."

Pouty face.

"Don't give me that look, god you're worse than your manipulative Mama."

"Yep!" Maggie giggled.

"Alright. Now we need to get busy, so stop being a silly goose."

"You're a silly goose!"

"Me?" I acted shocked. "I don't think so!" I tapped her on the nose. "I think you're the silly, silly goose. C'mon, silly goose, let's get-"

All of a sudden I heard the distinct sound of a gunshot coming from the parking lot. For a moment, I was frozen. And then my heart started to pound. I grabbed Maggie from the cart a little too roughly, and she started to cry. Then another gunshot rang out. And another.

I was racing through the store, carrying Maggie on my hip. When I reached the front I had to navigate through a crowd that had gathered at the windows.

"Move! Get out of the way!" My lungs were burning now and my throat was dry. I finally made it to an exit and I burst through, running out to the parking lot. At first, I didn't see anything and my pulse started to regulate. I set a still crying Maggie down and held her hand as I moved up the row. And that's when I stopped cold and all of the blood ran out of me.

"Sara!"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**I know. I. Am. Evil! Mwahahahaha! And you've got to review to find out what happens.**

**I'll try to get the next one up as soon as possible so you won't have to live in agony for too long. – 'til we meet again, Myx**


	33. Children

A/N: I'm cured

**A/N: I'm cured! The writer's block is over! Okay, I know it's a bit short, but I got it to ya quick, didn't I? And I'll try to be just as fast with the next (and hopefully longer) one. This just seemed to be the best place to end this one.**

**By the way, I loved all of your wonderful reviews. I even got some from new sources which was excellent. And I got some from my beloved loyalists. Thank you, thank you, thank you!**

**Read on!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Sara!"

So many things were going on inside my head, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't process. The sound of screeching tires brought my attention to the front exit of the parking lot. A beat up car was shooting out onto the main drag. My mind quickly turned back to the problem at hand. Sara. Scooping Maggie up, I was running again, towards the SUV. Where Sara, my Sara, and Greg were lying collapsed by the tailgate.

"Sara? Sara, oh God." There was blood, blood everywhere, pooling on the hot pavement. I opened the back door and slid Maggie onto the seat, simultaneously reaching into my bag in search of my phone.

Both of the older girls were in the back, staring out the rear window. Lindsey looked up at me with frightened eyes. "What's happening?"

"I don't know, stay here."

"No, I want to come with you."

"Lindsey, stay here. Watch your little sisters. I'll tell you when it's safe to come out." Without another word, I slammed the door and dialed 911.

"Las Vegas Emergency Response, how may I help you?"

I came around the side of the SUV and stood over an apparently unconscious Sara. I tried to remain calm. "Yes, this is CSI Catherine Willows, I'd like to report the shooting of two off duty officers. Both are still breathing and in need of immediate medical attention. I need two buses sent to the Albertson's Grocery Store on Spring Mountain Rd."

There was a pause, and then, "Okay, ma'am. They are being sent out now. ETA is eight minutes."

"Oh, and one of the victims is pregnant. She's hurt the worst."

"Alright, ma'am. Just try to remain calm and help will be there as soon as possible. I'd like to ask you to remain on the line in case there are anymore developments."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." Sticking the phone in my back pocket, I knelt down beside Sara trying to ascertain where all the blood was coming from. _Stay calm, just breathe. It's probably not nearly as bad as it looks. _"Sara? Sara, honey?" Hesitantly, I touched her body, checking for wounds. She had been shot once in the shoulder, and once in the leg. The leg looked to be bleeding the most, her pants were soaked through, and a puddle was spreading out around the wound.

It wasn't a through and through, the bullet was still in there. There was no GSR around the opening, so it hadn't been a close range shot. I didn't know why, but thinking about this as a crime scene was calming me down, keeping my head level.

There was a moan to my right and I turned to see Greg, I felt momentarily guilty for not checking on him sooner. He was shot once in the arm and was cradling it tenderly. "Greg? You okay?"

He groaned but nodded, his eyes closed against the hot afternoon sun. "Fine, Cath. Just worry about Sara."

I nodded, grateful that he understood, and turned back to my wife. "Sara? You gotta wakeup honey." I touched her face lightly, but she remained unconscious. I sighed. What could I do? I picked up the phone again. "Hello?"

"Yes, I'm still here."

"Yeah, look, my wife's leg has been shot. She's losing a lot of blood fast. Can I make a tourniquet or at least apply pressure to try and stop the bleeding?"

"Yes, of course. The ambulances are about four minutes away."

"Great, thanks." Shoving the phone back into my pocket, I stood up and opened the lift-gate. Reaching in I found a length of rope. The girls sat up and were looking at me. Maggie was still crying.

"Mommy!" She wailed, holding out her arms to me. "Mommy!" It was still weird for me to hear her say that word with such conviction.

"Just another minute baby, just hang on one more minute." And with that I closed the lift-gate again, hoping they would stay in the car. Kneeling down again, I brought the rope quickly around Sara's leg and tied it tight. It must have been painful because she gasped deeply and her eyes shot open. Relief ran through my veins. "Sara."

She turned her head toward me, her breathing labored as she fought off the pain. "Cat…"

I leaned down and kissed her briefly, smiling. "You're okay, you're alright. Everything's going to be fine."

She closed her eyes and with much effort, shook her head. "No…Cath…femoral artery. I'm…losing too much blood."

"No, no, you're not. I've slowed it down, and the paramedics will be here in two minutes. You're going to be just fine."

She smiled, her eyes still closed. "Don't try to pick a fight…just because you're scared."

"I'm not scared."

She shook her head again. "Greg?" she questioned.

"I'm right here, Sara. I'm fine."

She opened her eyes again, looking at me, "True?"

"True. He's got a flesh wound, but he'll be fine."

"Good. He's brave. He…saved the babies."

"What?"

But she shook her head. "Cath, promise me something."

I felt my throat tighten, I didn't like her tone of voice. "No, you're going to be fine."

"Cath." Her voice commanded attention. She reached out with her good hand, searching for mine. I grabbed her hand, my eyes stinging. "Promise me…if it comes down to a choice, save the babies. Don't…save me. Let me go."

The blaring of ambulance sirens began to ring out in the distance. My anger came over me in waves. "Shut up! Shut up!! Don't you dare think like that." My tears began to roll over. "Don't you dare. You're not leaving me, Sara Sidle. You are not getting out of this that easily. You have…you have five children, you have me. You are not leaving us."

She smiled again. "I love you, Catherine. Please, please…promise me. You've made my life worth living and you've given me something worth dying for. Let me give them life. Let…let me give them a life with you."

"No!" I sobbed. "No!" I bent down, putting my wet cheek against hers. "I can't do this without you, Sara. I can't live without you." I kissed her gently.

"Yes, you can," she whispered as I sat back. "You're the strongest woman I've ever known. And…the best mother in the world. You'll be fine."

"No, I won't. You're not going to leave me, damn it! How can you be so fucking calm? Anyone would think you were trying to get rid of me!" The sirens were close now, pulling into the parking lot.

She just kept smiling that annoying, serene, beautiful smile. The smile I fell in love with. "I love you Catherine. I love the girls, and our babies, but…more than anything…I love you." And then her eyes closed, and her body relaxed.

"No! No!" I was growing hysterical. "No! Sara! I love you, too! I love you, too, damn it! Wake up! Wake up, you bitch! You cannot leave me like this!"

"Excuse me, ma'am." A stranger virtually manhandled me away from my wife, my Sara.

I watched worriedly as the man knelt beside her limp form. "We've got a pulse!"

_Oh, thank God. Oh, thank fucking God. _I let myself breathe again.

Everything moved quickly after that. The paramedics loaded Sara and Greg into gurneys and then onto the trucks. I wanted to ride with Sara, but of course I couldn't. And then a police officer tried to make stay so he could get my statement. I could have killed him. I told him in no uncertain terms, that I would talk at the hospital, or not at all. When that was settled, an officer arranged for the girls and I to get a ride in his car, since ours could not be moved until CSI had processed the scene.

I opened the back door and Maggie catapulted off the seat and into my arms. "Mommy!"

I hugged her tightly. "Hey, angel, everything's okay." How could I even say that? Everything was as far from okay as it had ever been. But I found comfort in her little arms.

"Mom? What's happening? Did that man shoot Mama?" I looked at my eldest daughter. She had already seen one parent shot and killed, could she really handle it happening all over again?

"Yes, sweetie, he did."

"And Uncle Greg?" Ayla asked.

I nodded. "We're going to go to the hospital now, to make sure they're okay. But we can't go in our car so we're going to ride in a police car. So, everybody out, we want to get there fast."

I carried Maggie and tried to shield her view of the immense blood puddle, but the older girls saw it as they walked by. Ayla grabbed my hand and held on tight, Lindsey just pursed her lips and hurried past. After the polite young officer had ushered us all into the back of his car, with Maggie on my lap, I asked the older girls, "I need you to tell me everything you remember."

In silent agreement, Lindsey spoke for both of them. "When you and Maggie went in the store, we all got out of the car so Greg could show us how to play a game. We played for awhile, and then Greg pointed at something and whispered in Mama's ear. I looked and it was three men-"

"What did they look like? The men?"

"Two big ones and one short one. They all had shaved heads and they were like Puerto Rican or Mexican or something."

"Hispanic." I supplied.

"Yeah. The two big ones had lots of tattoos. The short one didn't have any and he was younger. After that, Mama gave me the keys to the car and told me to go sit inside and take Ayla with me. So I did. The shortest man started talking angrily at Mama and Uncle Greg, but I couldn't hear what he said. Then Mama kept saying 'Calm down, let's just all calm down here.' But that just made the man madder and…" here Linds began to choke up. "And then he pulled a gun from the back of his pants and he shot at Mama." She sniffed. "After that I pushed Ayla down and I sat on the floor so we didn't see anything else. But the man shot two more times. We stayed on the floor until you opened the door. That's it."

I leaned across Ayla and kissed Lindsey, wiping her cheeks, and then I hugged Ayla tightly. "You girls were very brave, and I'm so proud of you. You did just what you were supposed to."

"I would have called 911, but we didn't have a phone. I know you're supposed to do that, but we couldn't."

I smiled tearily at Ayla, "That's okay sweetie. I called." I thought of something. "And now, I've got to call Aunt Nancy." Maggie leaned heavily against my chest and I could tell the minute she shut her eyes. I dialed the long familiar number.

"Hello?"

"Nance? It's uhh…it's Catherine."

"Cath? What happened? You sound awful."

"Umm…there was an accident." The tightness returned to my throat. An accident? Could I really call it that?

"Oh, God. Who's hurt?"

"It's Sara. She's been…she's been shot. Twice."

"Oh, my God, where?"

"In the parking lot at the grocery store."

"I meant where on her body."

"Oh, once in the shoulder and once in the leg."

"Oh, Cath. But she's going to be okay, right?"

The tears began to overflow again. "They don't know. She's lost a lot of blood."

"I'm so sorry. What can I do to help?"

"Well, I was thinking you could come to the hospital in a couple hours and pick up the girls. Get them fed and in bed."

"Sure, not a problem. What about you?"

"I'm not leaving that hospital until I've seen Sara breathing with my own two eyes."

"Cath, surgeries can take hours."

Silence.

"But I guess this is one of those things I'll never be able to talk you out of."

"Nope."

"Okay, well, I've got to pick mother up from her Canasta tournament in about an hour and a half. What do you say I head on over after I pick her up? That will put me at Desert Palms at around five-thirty."

"You're a godsend, Nance. See you soon."

Shutting the phone I looked out the window. How could it be so sunny and warm when my heart felt like a thunderstorm?

"Mom? Do we have to go to Aunt Nancy's? I want to stay with you."

"Yeah me too. I want to know what happens to Mama."

I lay my head back, momentarily exhausted. "Yes, you have to go to Aunt Nancy's. It's just for dinner and sleep, and then you can come back to the hospital first thing in the morning."

"But how will we know when Mama's okay?"

"Do you really think I wouldn't call you just as soon as I found out any news? I'll call you the second I find out anything."

"Promise?" Ayla looked skeptical.

"Cross my heart."

"Mom?"

"Yes, baby?"

"What's going to happen to the babies? Do you think they got hurt when Mama was shot?"

I closed my eyes. "I don't know, Linds. I hope not."

"Me, too."

"Me, too." Ayla fidgeted. "I left my book in the car."

"We'll get it tomorrow."

The last ten minutes of the drive were made in silence, for which I was grateful. I was losing the ability to function outside my distress for Sara and our unborn children. What if something had happened to the babies? What about Sara's promise? Could I make that decision on my own? Would it come down to that? When we finally arrived at the hospital, I had difficulty getting out of the car because Maggie had passed out in my arms. Carrying her and guiding the other two girls, I made my way to the front desk.

"I'm here for information on Sara Sidle."

"Are you family?"

"Yes, these are her children."

"Alright…" the woman inspected her clipboard. "Ms. Sidle is still in surgery. I have no other information. If you'd like to wait in the visitor's lounge one floor up, you'd probably be more comfortable than out here."

"Okay, thank you."

"Could I get your name? So the doctor knows who to talk to?"

"Catherine Willows. I'm her emergency contact as well."

"I see. And what's your relation to the patient?"

"I'm her wife."

There was a momentary pause in which the woman clenched and unclenched her jaw. And then, "Alright, Ms. Willows. I'll be sure to let the doctor know you're here." She gave a polite smile and then returned to her work.

My back gave an annoying twinge and I winced. "Maggie? Maggie? You've got to wake up and walk, I can't carry you anymore."

"No!" she whined, burrowing further into my chest.

"Yes, come on sweetie. Mommy's losing feeling in her legs." Gently, I set her down and held her hand. I took Ayla's hand in my free one and gestured for Lindsey to walk ahead of me towards the elevators.

The visitor's lounge was quiet and comfortable. There were only two other people in it, a woman about my age, and an older man. There was even a children's corner with toys and crayons and magazines. An hour went by and then another. The girls started to get bored and restless.

"When is Mama going to be better?" Maggie yawned.

"I don't know, angel. It might not be for a while. But Aunt Nancy is going to be here any minute to take you guys home. And you're going to have a yummy dinner and then go to sleep."

"And then Mama will be okay?"

"Maybe. We'll just have to wait and see." I stood up. "We should actually go downstairs so your aunt knows where to find us." Tiredly, I got them all up and out the door.

Nancy arrived just ten minutes later, pulling up and parking in a fire lane. Getting out of the van, she threw her arms around me. "God, Cath, I'm so sorry. Has there been any news?"

I shook my head. "No. Thanks for doing this, Nance. You're a lifesaver. I just need to be able to think for minute without having to worry about them."

"Don't worry about it. I've got the whole gang in the car; Mom, Abbi, and Jeremy." She looked at the girls. "Why don't y'all go hop in and get buckled up?"

I got a tight hug and a kiss from both Ayla and Lindsey before they got in the van, but Maggie clung to my legs. "I want to stay with Mommy," she cried sleepily.

With great effort, I lifted her up and kissed her nose and her forehead. "No, sweetheart, you have to go. But I'll see you in the morning, I promise."

She looked up at me with big eyes. "Can I have macaroni and cheese for dinner?"

I smiled. "I think that can be arranged." I kissed her again. "I love you, Maggie May. I'll see you in the morning." I squeezed her tight and set her back down. She waved and trotted off after her sisters.

My sister turned to me. "Now, you call, if you hear anything, you call. I'll be right by the phone, waiting."

"Thanks, Nance." I watched and waved as they drove away.

With the added stress of watching the girls taken care of, I was able to think more clearly. Getting my phone out of my bag, I dialed a number.

"Hello?"

"Warrick?"

"Cath, thank God. I've been trying to reach you for hours."

"My phone's been off. I've been in the hospital. What's going on?"

"I heard about the shooting over the radio. Has anyone been by to take your statement?"

"No, they said they would but they haven't."

"Any word on Sara?"

"As far as I know, she's still in surgery."

"Cath, I…we're all praying for her."

"Thanks, Rick. Look, do you think you could get Brass to take my statement? I just don't think I'm up to talking to anyone who isn't family at the moment."

"Sure, sure. I gotcha. You bet. I'll give him a call right now."  
"Thanks. And can you tell him that I'll be in the visitor's lounge. I'm waiting for news from the doctor."

"The visitor's lounge. Got it. Listen, do you want me to come by or something? It's no problem at all."

"Thanks, but I don't think so. Come by in the morning after shift. Oh, shit. Can you tell Gil that I won't be in tonight?"

"I think he pretty much assumed…"

"Right. Okay. Well, I gotta go. Talk to you later, Rick."

"Take care, Cath."

I hung up and shut off the phone again before making my way back up to the visitor's lounge. After about fifteen minutes a nurse came in and looked around. "Miss Willows?"

I stood up. "Yes?"

"I've been sent to tell you that the doctor is still operating your wife. It should be another hour or two before he can come out to give you an update."

I sighed and slumped back in my seat. "Thank you." Well, if they were still operating, that at least meant that Sara was still alive. That was a good sign, right?

For a minute, I thought that the nurse was about to tell me something else, but then she just nodded and left.

"You look like you could use a cup of coffee."

I looked up at the familiar voice. "Jim!"

He was standing in the doorway holding a cup of coffee in each hand. "Hey, darlin'."

I stood up to take one of the cups from him. "Thank you. It actually smells halfway decent. Where'd you get it?"

He shrugged. "Diner down the road. What do you say we take a walk? Or do you need to stay where they can find you?"

I shook my head. "The nurse just came in to say it'll be at least another hour. So, a walk sounds great. Anything to keep busy."

He ushered me out the door and we began walking down the corridor. "So, kiddo, you know how this goes. Why don't you tell me how it happened?"

"I really don't know much. Just what the girls told me and what I know."

I proceeded to tell him about going into the store with Maggie and hearing the shots and running out to find Sara and Greg on the ground. I remembered to tell him about the car I saw. He asked me for a description and I was surprised at how well I could recall it. Green compact, beat up with a bent fender. I even remembered a partial plate number. I guess those years of being paid to be observant were finally ingrained in me. As I wrapped up my account, we came to a door.

"What's this?"

Brass smiled slightly and knocked on the door.

"Come in," called a familiar, if tired, voice.

"Greg's room?" I asked.

Brass nodded and pushed the door in for me to enter.

"Greg?" I peered around the door.

"Catherine, come in."

I came up to his bed where he lay, his right arm in a sling. "Hey, how you feeling?"

He smiled slightly. "Ridiculous." He looked down at his hospital gown. "They took my clothes for an arm wound. An arm wound!"

This made me smile. Typical Greg.

Brass put a hand on my shoulder. "I had to come down here to take Greg's statement, I figured you might want to hear it, too."

I looked at Greg. "If you don't mind."

"Not at all." He smiled apologetically. "Any word on Sara yet?"

I shook my head. "Just that she's still in surgery."

Brass sat down in a chair, setting his tape recorder down on the side table. "Okay, Greg. Tell us what happened."

Greg sat back and I sat at the foot of his bed. "I was teaching Lindsey and Ayla how to play hacky sack. Sara was supposed to stay in the car because she promised Catherine she would. But I guess she got bored, because after about three minutes, she was standing out with us. I don't know how long we played. It couldn't have been very long. Then I heard a door slam and looked up. Across the parking lot, three guys were headed towards us. And I recognized one of them, I had seen him in interrogation months ago. He had been the brother of one of the suspects. It was one of Sara's cases. So I pointed them out to Sara and she got really nervous and made the girls go and get in the car. Then the three guys approached us. The one I remembered seeing asked Sara if she recognized him and Sara told him yes.

"Then the guy went crazy, yelling about how Sara killed his brother and how she had to pay for it. After that, he drew a gun, a forty-five, I think. Sara was trying get everything under control, trying to calm him down. But it wasn't working. He was holding the gun like he'd never held one before, and he was really nervous. All of a sudden, he shot at Sara, but he only hit her shoulder. She was sort of in shock, but she kept her arms around her belly. Then the guy took aim at her stomach and I knew I had to stop him, so threw myself at him and knocked the gun off balance. He still shot her, but he hit her leg instead. One of the other guys drew his gun and yelled something in Spanish at me and then he shot me. After that, I guess they got scared they'd made too much noise or something, 'cause they ran off. Just got in their car and drove away. A minute later, Catherine was there trying to help Sara. Then the ambulance came and that's it. End of story."

"Did you see the car?"

"Yeah, it was a green something. I wasn't really paying attention. You know, being shot and everything."

I stood up from the bed and came around to kiss Greg on the forehead. Then I hugged him, being careful of his injured arm, "Thank you so much," I was crying. "If she makes it, it's because of you. If our children make it, it's because of you." I kissed him again. "Thank you."

He turned red up to his ears and didn't say a word.

"Well, ladies." Brass smiled endearingly at Greg, "I'd love to stay and chat but…shift starts momentarily."

I looked at my watch. "I've got to go too. I want to make sure that the doctor can find me." I kissed Greg one more time. "Thanks again, Greggo. I'll make sure to come down and tell you when I hear about Sara."

He grabbed my arm as I stood. "She's going to be okay, Catherine."

I smiled. "I hope you're right." I smiled again from the door and walked out with Brass.

He pulled me into a hug at the end of the corridor. "Everything will work for the best, kiddo. You'll see."

"Thanks Jim."

"What do you know about the guy who did this? One of Sara's cases?"

I nodded grimly. "One of Sara's and mine. If I had to guess, I'd say this guy was Emanuel Ruiz. His brother, Ray, was convicted of killing two tourists and robbing them of their lotto winnings. Last April, I think."

"What do you think he meant about Sara killing his brother?"

I shrugged. "Emanuel always maintained his brother's innocence, even though the evidence against him was overwhelming. I just heard last night that Ray was killed in a brawl at some point on Tuesday. I hadn't told Sara. With her hormones, this kind of thing could really upset her."

"Ruiz must have followed you from your house." Brass looked at his watch. "Well, look, this is my number one case tonight. I'll handle it personally. And when we catch up with this Ruiz fellow- he's going to fall quite a bit on the way to PD."

I smiled. "Thanks, Jim." I waved him out and made my way back to the visitor's lounge.

Alone again, I let my thoughts wander. Was Sara going to be alright? What about the babies? Would she be able to carry them to full term now, with her injuries? Was it possible that Sara wouldn't survive but the babies would? No matter what Sara believes, there is no way I could raise five children all by myself. I didn't even want to think about it.

Unable to sit still any longer, I began to pace up and down the hallway outside the lounge. I bought a candy bar, I ate it, I continued my pacing. I couldn't stand not knowing anything. Why wasn't anyone telling me anything? I collapsed in a chair outside the lounge, my head in my hands. This was beyond frustrating and to make matters worse, I felt as if I was going to cry again.

I looked up when I heard the swinging of a door. I didn't recognize the doctor coming towards me. He was young with neatly trimmed black hair and dark unreadable eyes. His face and neck were sweat-streaked and he looked exhausted. I was sure I didn't look much better. I stood up shakily as he approached, but he motioned for me to sit back down.

"Ms. Willows?" He took the seat next to mine and faced me.

Jerkily, I nodded. "Yes." I wanted to ask him about Sara, about the babies, but I couldn't get the words past my lips. What if something had gone wrong?

He smiled softly and a knot untied in my stomach. "I'm Dr. Matthew Kroger, I operated on your wife."

I nodded. "Is she…? Is she okay?"

He nodded once, "Ms. Sidle is recovering from her surgery, and I'll talk about her in moment. Right now, I'd like to talk to you about your children."

Children? My heart skipped a beat. "I have children?"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Voila! Okay, so it's a tiny cliffy. And something could still go horribly, catastrophically wrong in the next chapter. But you won't find until you…what was it again? Oh, yeah! Until you REVIEW!**


	34. Meetings

A/N: I know, you're getting tired of hearing it

**A/N: I know, you're getting tired of hearing it. But writer's block is a serious bitch. That being said, I have prepared a very nice chapter for you. En avance, I'd like to apologize for any medical inaccuracies that may have happened. I did my best to research and make it as realistic as possible, but I don't know. It's very possible I screwed up.**

**Anyhoo, I'd just like to thank Rach for pushing me and brainstorming with me, and also Cindy and her magic powers, even if she'll never read this. Okay, on with the show!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

He smiled widely at me. "You do. Congratulations, Ms. Willows. You have a son and a daughter."

I felt as if I was able to breath for the first time in hours. _I have a son, a son and a daughter._ I couldn't believe it. I had to see them. "Can I see them? Are they alright?"

He looked apologetic and my throat constricted once more. "Right after we got your wife into the operating room, we had her hooked up to a heart monitor so that we could keep an eye on the babies. I'm told that at first, everything seemed fine, but as the surgery progressed, one of the babies began to show signs of fetal distress, probably due to all the blood loss. That's when I was called in. We waited for the heart beat to go back up, but it didn't. After a minute or so, we were forced to do an emergency c-section to save the baby's life."

I held my breath. "And you did," I lead him.

"And we did. Your son was born first, at five-eighteen in the evening. at a very healthy five pounds six ounces. For six weeks premature, that is a very good weight." I sighed my relief. My son was okay. But I could tell the doctor was holding something back.

"But my daughter." The word felt foreign on my tongue. "What about my daughter?" My hands were shaking.

His mouth was set. "Your daughter was born and five-twenty-one and weighed in at just under four pounds."

I gasped. So small. "Is she…" I read his face. "What's wrong with her?"

He seemed to think about the best way to say what came next. "Ms. Willows, are you familiar with Apgar score?"

I sniffed and wiped at my eye with a finger. "Umm…yeah." I nodded. "It's the test you use to determine how healthy a baby is when it's born."

"Exactly. Now, your son scored an eight out of ten, which is more than can be expected for a infant born at thirty-four weeks."

"But my daughter?"

"Your daughter received only a four."

Tears began to stream down my face. I really thought I had been all cried out. "But," I hiccupped, "but she's going to be okay."

The doctor's lips tightened. "Her heartbeat was very weak, Ms. Willows, and her breathing was extremely irregular. Her heartbeat, I'm told, has since gone up, but we're still very concerned about her breathing. She is suffering from IRDS- infant respiratory distress syndrome. It's very common in premature infants, and even more common in twins."

"So she's not breathing on her own?"

"Not well, and it usually gets worse before it gets better."

"Are you saying she might not…?" I choked on the words.

He didn't answer as he stood and held out his hand to me. "Would you like to see her? Would you like to meet them?"

Would I like to meet them? "Yes. Of course."

He smiled. "Then follow me."

We went through the double doors and to an elevator across from a nurse's station. I looked at him. "You said you'd tell me about Sara," I prompted as we rode up.

"I did, didn't I? Well, I can't tell you everything, because I was really only in charge of the c-section and monitoring you babies, but your wife is doing very well. After we had her bleeding under control, she stabilized quite nicely. We were able to remove the bullet from her thigh and send it off with your people. The bullet did hit her femoral artery, and she lost a lot of blood. Being pregnant probably saved her life actually, since pregnant women constantly have more blood circulating than normal people. She's unconscious now, we had to put her under after we had the babies out. She should sleep for several more hours. Giving birth, no matter how you do it, always takes it out of you."

"So, she'll be fine?"

"Well, she won't be walking on her own for several of weeks, and she might want to take a little physical therapy to make sure her shoulder heals properly, but yes, eventually, she will make a full recovery."

I sighed my relief and sagged against the elevator wall. After so many hours of not knowing…

We stepped off the elevator and onto the maternity ward. I could hear a baby crying not far away, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was mine. Dr. Kroger turned to me. "I'm going to take you to see your son first. Your daughter is being monitored in a separate section of the ward."

He led me down a hall to the maternity ward and a large glass window. There were only four babies in the window. The last one on the end drew my attention. By the little blue hat and blanket, I could tell he was a boy. He was smaller than the rest, and his arms were up in the air. He wasn't crying, but he was wide awake.

My eyes stung, "That's him, isn't it?" I tapped my finger against the glass.

The doctor smiled, "It is. Come on, I'll take you to meet him."

He brought me to a nursing room that was adjoined the nurses' station, and left. I sat in the rocking chair with the greatest sense of anticipation. Five minutes past, and then ten. Then I heard a conversation coming from the hall. The voices were low but clear.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Kroger, but I cannot allow it."

"Greta, this woman has been through hell today. She nearly lost her whole life. And now she's sitting twenty feet from her children, and you won't let her see them because of a…a technicality? A piece of paper?"

"Doctor, I don't think you understand. It is illegal for me to give that child to anyone but a parent or immediate family member."

"I know the protocol just as well as you. I'm asking you to make an exception. She is a parent. She's this baby's mother and she wants to see her son!"

"Without permission from the biological mother, I can't let her see him. I'm sorry."

Fury flooded my veins. Who did this woman think she was? After hours of waiting and not knowing, did she really think she could stop me? I was going to see my son, and I was going to see him now. I stepped into the hall.

Dr. Kroger came to stand beside me. "Ms. Willows, I didn't mean for you to overhear…"

"I am his biological mother," I interrupted him.

The nurse was a broad, middle-aged woman with short, tightly curled blonde hair. "Excuse me?" She clearly did not think much of me or my lifestyle choices. Too. Damn. Bad.

"I said, I am his biological mother. He's mine."

"Well, I don't see how…"

But the doctor smiled. "Ms. Sidle delivered, but it was your eggs that were used to conceive."

I nodded, my eyes not leaving the nurse. I glowered at her. "I can have a doctor on the phone in a matter of minutes, to prove it to you, but he is my son. And I want to see him and my daughter. Now."

The woman and I had a silent staring contest for a minute, but I wasn't giving in. Finally, she looked away. "I could get in serious trouble for this."

"I will take full responsibility, Greta, you have my word." Dr. Kroger put a hand on her shoulder.

"Alright. Ms. Willows, was it? Go back in and have a seat. It'll just be a moment." The woman moved down the hall.

Dr. Kroger smiled at me. "That was very well played."

"Thanks."

"So, I'll see you in a little while, I just need to run and check in on a few patients. You'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine." I waved him off and went back to my seat in the rocking chair.

Rocking back and forth, I tried to reign in my emotions. This day had been such a roller coaster ride, and I was still spinning. Sara had almost been killed, the babies might have died. Everything had turned upside down. My life had turned to chaos. Then they told me Sara had survived; she would be okay. And I had children. I was about to meet them. But my daughter was very sick. How was it possible to feel so happy, for my wife, for my son, yet feel so distressed for my daughter?

"Ms. Willows?" A young nurse peaked in from the doorway. She carried a small bundle in her arms.

My heart beat faster. "Yes." I stood.

She smiled at me. "There's somebody here that I'd like you to meet."

I took a step forward, and the little bundle was passed to me. I felt my eyes begin to sting. "Oh," was all I could think to say. "Hello."

My son. _My son._ Was sleeping.

I smiled at the nurse who brought him to me and then took a seat. "Hey, there big guy." I whispered. "Hey there, my beautiful boy." I rocked us back and forth. He was beautiful, maybe I was being bias, but I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He had big round cheeks, and perfect soft skin. His eyes fluttered and he squeaked.

"Oh! What?" I smiled at him. "What's up, big guy?"

He wriggled in his blanket.

"Well, no wonder. They've got you snug as a bug in rug, haven't they? Well, we can do something about that, can't we?" This was a marvelous feeling, and, for the moment, it blocked out all the others. I lay him on my knees and carefully undid his blanket. "Let's see what we've got here, hmm? Look, here's an arm with a hand and look! One, two, three, four, five fingers! Look, you've got them all. And here's another arm, that's right, stretch! And five more fingers! And here's a baby belly and a baby diaper, and look! Feet!"

"Let's get these booties off so we can count the toesies." There were ten toes. Everything was there. I wrapped him up again and then checked one more thing. I pulled off his little blue hat. "Look, at that. You're just like your big sister." He was bald except for a few white-colored wisps of hair. So, he would be some shade of blonde. "Now, are you going to open your eyes for me? I want to see my big guy." But he seemed determined to stay asleep. "Okay, then," I whispered, wrestling his hat back on. "You just get your rest. You've had a pretty big day today. We'll have plenty of time to play later."

So, I lay him on my chest where he curled up in a little ball. We rocked back and forth and I just basked in this feeling, in the weight of my son, calm and serene. I only wished that Sara and I could have shared this feeling together. Feeling his little heartbeat on mine was so relaxing…

"Ms. Willows?"

"Hmm?" I was roused by a voice calling my name. "Yes?" I blinked my eyes open, sleepily, and saw the young nurse from before.

"I'm sorry to wake you, Ms. Willows, but we need this room. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you move."

"Oh." I brought my hands to the little body on my chest. "That's okay." I stood with my son in my arms. "Does that mean I have to give him back?"

"I'm afraid so."

I nodded. "Okay." I looked down at the still sleeping form in my arms. "Goodbye, my baby boy, I'll see you soon! I love you." I kissed his forehead and handed him back to the nurse.

I waited in the hall until Dr. Kroger came to get me.

He led me down the hall to a closed door. He turned to face me. "Now, it's going to look a whole lot worse than it is. Your baby is in an incubator to help prevent hypothermia. She's hooked up to a heart monitor, she has an IV for fluids that control her blood sugar, and she's also receiving oxygen. I know it looks scary, but don't let it alarm you. They're all just precautions to make sure her condition doesn't worsen."

I nodded my understanding and he held the door open for me. It was very quiet and the lights were dimmed. The only sound that could be heard was the soft beeping of several machines. Along the walls to my right and left were six incubators, only three of them occupied. I was mesmerized by the tiny forms inside.

Dr. Kroger waved a young woman over. "Janie, this is Catherine Willows, I've brought her to meet her daughter."

The young woman frowned for a moment, "We don't have a baby Willows."

"I believe she's under the name Sidle. Ms. Willow's wife is Sara Sidle."

"Oh." Her eyes widened as she looked at me. "Oh."

_Oh. Yes. Oh. _I smiled uncertainly at her.

"I've cleared this with your supervisor, Janie. I'd just like Ms. Willows to be able to meet her children."

The nurse seemed to pull herself together. "Right. Ms. Willows, umm…this way."

Dr. Kroger put a reassuring hand on my back, "I'm going to leave you here. I need to check in with your wife and see how she's doing. Sorry to keep running off on you. I'll be back in a while." He smiled. "Congratulations, again." He turned around and was gone.

I stepped further into the room. There was a squeaking sound from one corner, and I turned to see the incubator furthest from me.

There was another squeal and I took a few steps forward. I could just make out a tiny form wearing a tiny pink hat.

"Ms. Willows?"

I looked up at the nurse. "Is that…? Is she…?"

She nodded. "That's your daughter, Ms. Willows. But I need you to wash your hands if you're going to touch her."

I couldn't take my eyes off the incubator the whole time I ran my hands through the water. When I was washed and dried, the nurse allowed me to take the seat next to the incubator. There she was. My little girl. She had a tiny tube up her nose and a wire attached to her little bare chest. She looked so small and helpless in that plastic box. But she was beautiful. Her tiny little face, her hands, her toes. She raised an arm and squeaked again and I had to smile through even more. "Hey, baby girl." I whispered. "Hey, angel. Look at you." She turned her head towards the sounds of my voice, but her eyes were closed. She looked just like Lindsey, I realized. "Hi, little one. I'm your Mommy."

I looked to the nurse, Janie. "Can I just reach in and touch her?"

"Just avoid the wires and tubes. It's better if you just hold her arm or her hand, but if you're careful you can touch her anywhere."

"Okay." I reached in cautiously, stroked her arm up to her hand. She was so soft. She reacted to my touch by squeaking several times and spreading her fingers wide. "Oh, well, hello to you too. It's nice to finally meet you." Her tiny fingers wrapped one of my much larger ones. My breath caught in my throat. "Your Mama and I have been waiting a long time to meet you."

She yawned widely and, lazily, her eyelids opened to reveal sleepy, unfocused, clear blue eyes.

I smiled. "Hey baby blue eyes, how's it going?" I looked at the tube running up her nose again, and I was crying. "My brave girl. Hell of a way to come into the world, little girl. But it will get better. Your Mama is downstairs waiting to meet you. And you've got three big sisters who can't wait to play with you and take care of you. Lindsey is the oldest, she would tell you that she's almost twelve, but she's really only eleven and a half. And Ayla is eight and Maggie is five. Oh, and you have a big brother. He's a three minutes older than you. Now, I don't know him very well yet, but I can just tell he'll be the best brother you could ever have."

She had gone back to sleep while I was talking, and her grip on my finger had slackened. I leaned back in my chair and just watched her breathe in and out. The doctor was right her breathing was shallow and irregular. I reached a hand in and touched her shoulder. "You've got to make it through, little one. You've got hang in there. There's so much worth living for. There's your Mama and your sisters and brother and a ton of other stuff. You haven't tried our new slip 'n slide, or gotten a triple scoop ice cream sundae. You haven't had a first step or a first word or a first pillow fight or a first kiss. There is so much left to do. So you've got to make it through." But if my baby girl heard me, she didn't let on. I sat back in the rocking chair and watched her for a long time.

"Ms. Willows?" It was the doctor.

I sat up. "You can call me Catherine, doctor."

He smiled. "Catherine. Have you been enjoying your time?"

I raised an eyebrow. "It depends. I've enjoyed seeing my son and daughter. But I don't think any mother could enjoy seeing her child so sick."

"Of course not. Catherine, I don't want to take you away from your daughter if you're not ready, but your wife has been stabilized and we've moved her to another room. One where she can have visitors. She's still asleep, but I wanted to let you know in case you'd like to pay her a visit anyway."

I looked from the doctor to my daughter and back. I bit my lip. I desperately wanted to see Sara, to see for myself that she was going to be okay, but I didn't want to leave our baby. "Can I come back here later? To see her?"

"I'll clear it with the nurses." He nodded.

I stood up. "Alright. Let's go." I leaned over the incubator and gently touched my daughter's tiny wrist. "I love you, little one. I'll be back soon." With that, I followed Dr. Kroger out of the ward and once again into the elevator.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The first thing I was aware of as I walked in the sterile, white room was the steady high-pitched beeping of the EKG machine. She was alive. The next thing I noticed was how pale she looked. Just lying there. Her arm was in a sling, and her leg was covered by the sterile, white sheets. _She wouldn't like the smell in here._

I turned to the doctor. "Can I touch her?"

He nodded, "You can't jump on her or anything, but you can most certainly hold her hand, touch her face. Just stay away from the arm, the leg, and the c-section stitches."

"Thank you. For everything."

He smiled kindly. "It was a pleasure. I'll have a nurse check in on you in a while, and I'll be back first thing in the morning." He smiled again and was out the door.

I turned back to Sara. Grabbing a chair, I moved over to her left side and took a seat, scooting as close to her as I could get. After so many hours of waiting, it was a relief just to sit next to her sleeping form. Taking her hand, I watched her breathe slowly in and out. My eyes moved over her body. Her stomach was still round, but it was smaller than it had been this afternoon. My mind reeled. We had two more children than we did only a few hours ago. I was no less astounded by the birth of my new son and daughter than I had been when I had given birth to Lindsey nearly eleven and a half years before. I was just as amazed.

This was not how we had planned it, though. There was should have been a private delivery room and our own doctor. I should have been there, holding a video camera in one hand and my wife's hand in the other. I should have been there. Sara should have been awake to hold her children in her arms.

The events of the day began to overwhelm me, the bad and the good. It was nearing eleven o'clock and I had been running on fumes for the past eight hours. I was exhausted. Kissing Sara's fingers, I lay my cheek against her hand, and wearily, I cried myself to sleep.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I woke up three hours later to my cell phone vibrating against my thigh. I thought I'd turned it off. Seeing it was my sister, I immediately felt guilty for leaving her out of the loop. Quietly, I stood and tiptoed out of the room. After a word with the nurse on duty, explaining where I was going and that I would be right back, I took the elevator downstairs and out into the parking lot. I tried my sister's cell but it went straight to voicemail. I had been trying to avoid calling the house phone and waking the children, but I guess it couldn't be helped.

It picked up on the first ring. "Cath? This better be you."

I took a deep breath. "It's me."

"What's going on? Have you heard any news? I thought you'd have called us by now."

I ran a hand through my hair. "I'm sorry, things have just been sort of…hectic. Yes, I have news." I paused, trying to figure out which way to say it and what to say first.

"Well? Sara's going to be okay, right?"

My relief was still foremost in my brain when I sighed, "Yes. Sara is going to be alright."

"Oh, thank God. And what about…?"

I smiled softly, "Nance…I have twins. I'm the mother of twins."

Nancy laughed out loud. "Ha! That's wonderful. What happened?"

"They had to do an emergency c-section while Sara was in surgery, something about the babies' heart rate."

"Oh, my God. This is so big. Cathy, this is huge! So, what are they? Boys? Girls? Are they okay? Six weeks is a bit early."

I quit smiling. "It's one of each. A boy and a girl."

Nancy could hear the change in my voice. "And? What's wrong?"

All I could think of was my tiny baby in that incubator, a mess of tubes and wires. Tears stung my eyes. "She….she's not okay."

"What's wrong with her?"

I sniffed. "She has some kind of lung problem. IR…IRD something. It means she can't breathe. And her heartbeat is irregular and the doctor isn't being straight with me about what her chances are. Oh, God, Nancy, what if she's not alright? What if she doesn't get better?"  
Nancy tried to calm me, "Hush. I don't want to hear you talking like that. You have to think positively and be strong. Have you seen them?"

I nodded even though she couldn't see me. Despite the tears running down my face, I smiled again. "They're beautiful. Just beautiful. He's got the same color hair that Lindsey had when she was born and he's got the cutest nose. He's a good boy, I can already tell. And she…she's so tiny, Nance. But she's got the biggest pair of blue eyes you've ever seen. She looked at me as I was holding her hand. She's beautiful. And so brave, hooked up to all those machines and not even crying."

"Well, congratulations, Cath. Really. I'm sure my newest niece will be fine. If she's anything like either of her moms, I'm sure she's a fighter."

"Thanks. How are the girls?"

"They're good. They were a bit glum all through dinner and they fought going to bed. Now, they're passed out on my bed, safely tucked in, teeth brushed. Mitch and I will take the guest bedroom, the bed is smaller than ours- wouldn't fit the three of them."

"Thanks for doing this."

"Not a problem."

"I've got to get back inside in case Sara wakes up. I just wanted to give you an update."

"Thanks for keeping me posted."

"I'll call back in the morning when it's okay for the girls to come back."

"'Kay. Take your time."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Hanging up, I headed back inside, thinking. A lot of people needed to be notified about what had happened. Gil and the boys, I could handle. But what about the dozens of people in San Francisco that deserved to know? How could I possibly call them all? I only had a fraction of their numbers and I certainly didn't have the energy right now to tell the story of all of this to a hundred different people. Maybe I could call Mo in the morning and have her spread the word? That might work.

Sara was right where I had left her when I returned. Exhaustion swept over me once more as I saw her lying there. I took up my vigil again in the seat beside her bed and before long, I found myself nodding off and resting my head on her sterile white coverlet. A few hours later, I awoke to nature's call. Past five o'clock in the morning. Getting up, I carefully extracted my hand from Sara's grip, which had tightened as I slept. After using the restroom, I washed my face. I looked like crap. My hair was a mess, my face was a smear of tear-stained makeup, my clothes were wrinkled and splattered with blood. Sara's blood.

Staring at myself in the mirror, I realized just how close I had come tonight to losing everything I had in my life. Only Maggie and I had been safe from those bastards that shot at Sara. They could have killed either one of the older girls. They almost did kill Sara. And now my newborn daughter was upstairs fighting for her life because of this. How could this have happened to us? I felt the tell-tale stinging of behind my eyes, but I was all cried out. All I could do was take a deep breath and pull myself together. Everything would be alright. It had to be.

Waving to the nurse as I passed the station, I made my way back to Sara's room. To my surprise, as I closed the door behind me, Sara's head turned towards the noise. "Sara?"

"Cath." She tried to move. Seeing her grimace, I was immediately back in the chair by her side, holding her hand.

"Don't move, let me get the nurse." I stood up again quickly.

"No, wait." She tightened her grip on my hand. "Tell me what happened." She was oddly calm.

I sat back down again. The nurse could wait a few minutes, Sara seemed to be okay. "You were in a shooting. Do you remember that?"

She paused for a moment and then nodded. "You were shopping. Greg and I…" She looked at me. "Where's Greg?"

I squeezed her hand. "He's fine. It was just a flesh wound. He gets to go home tomorrow."

She nodded, temporarily pacified, then she looked at me sharply. Taking her hand from my grasp she placed it on her stomach. I heard her heart rate go up on the EKG machine.

"Sara," I tried to reassure her. "Sar, it's okay. They're okay. They're alive."

Her heart slowed a beat. "What…happened?"

I tightened my grip on her wrist. "There were…complications. While you were in surgery, the baby's heart rate weakened. They operated to get them out in time, and they did." I leaned forward and kissed her hand. "Sweetheart, we have a new baby boy and baby girl."

She lay her head back on the pillow in relief. "Have you seen them? Are they okay?"

I hesitated. I didn't want to upset Sara after she'd just woken up from a drug induced coma, but I also didn't want her to kill me later for withholding information. "I've seen them." I tread carefully. "And they're gorgeous. They're the most beautiful babies to ever grace the planet. They both have the right number of fingers and toes. They were both pretty quiet. No crying. Though your daughter is a squeaker."

Sara read my face. "What's wrong? What aren't you telling me?"

I sighed. "She's sick."

"How sick?" Her fingers tightened around mine.

"Sick. Very sick. She can't breathe and the doctor…" I choked over the words, "The doctor doesn't know if she's going to be okay."

Sara took her hand from mine to wipe at watery eyes. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this."

"I know. But it did. We've just got to hope that everything will be okay." I took her hand back. "How are you feeling? Are you in pain?"

She tried to shrug and winced, "Well, now I am. My leg is just sort of numb, but my shoulder aches."

I stood up. "Let me go get the nurse, she'll be able to tell us more and then I can get an update on the babies, okay?" I tucked some hair behind her ear.

She nodded.

Carefully, I leaned down and brushed my lips against hers. "Love you. I'll be right back."

She nodded again and I left the room. Heading to the nurse's station I found not the nurse on duty, but Dr. Kroger. "Doctor."

He turned to me and smiled. "Ms. Willows."

"Catherine." I insisted.

He nodded. "Catherine. Is there something I can help you with?"

"It's Sara. She's awake."

He frowned. "Are you sure? She shouldn't be up for another couple of hours or so."

"Pretty sure. I've been talking to her for the last ten minutes."

The doctor began walking with me back towards Sara's room. "Well, these drugs affect everyone differently, I guess she just has some kind of built in resistance to them." We entered the room and he smiled at Sara. "Good Morning, Ms. Sidle. I'm Dr. Kroger, I did your c-section and am overseeing the care of your children. How are you feeling?"

"Stiff. And sore."

He nodded. "That's perfectly normal."

"How are the babies?"

He smiled grimly. "Your son is doing well. If you'd like to meet him and try feeding him a little later today, I can definitely arrange it." He hesitated. "Your daughter is about the same as when I left her last night. Her heartbeat has regulated somewhat, but I'm still very concerned about her breathing. She'll need to remain in the incubator for a bit longer, very probably days, perhaps a week or more. It's normal with her condition, so I'm afraid it will be a while before you're able to see her."

Sara nodded, blinking wearily.

The doctor caught it. "Well, let me notify your attending physician that you've woken up, Ms. Sidle. He'll be able to prescribe you more pain medication and give you a better update as to your injuries."

"Thanks." Sara was fading fast.

I rubbed her hand comfortingly when the doctor had gone. "You should get some rest. I'll tell the doctor to come back later."

She shook her head. "I'm fine. I want to talk with you." She fought a yawn.

"You're tired." I insisted. "And you should be. You've been shot twice and you've just given me two beautiful children. Get some rest."

She began to acquiesce. "You'll stay with me?"

I smiled. "I have to go outside and make some quick phone calls but then I will be right back."

"I see what you're doing," she eyed me drowsily, "you're trying to get out of here so you can go and call your thing on the side."

I grinned, "You know me so well."

She closed her eyes and smiled. "Just hurry back."

Standing, I kissed her forehead. "No need to worry about that. I'll be back in a flash."

But getting back to Sara took longer than I thought. First there was Mo to call and relay the whole story to. She readily agreed to pass the word along, for which I was grateful. But I felt that Larry and Tim deserved a personal call, as did Tony and Marie, Matt's parents. So I was on the phone with each of them for about a half an hour. They all asked to be kept in the loop, and Larry and Tim as well as Mo offered to visit when we were feeling up to company. I couldn't even begin to fathom it.

After those phone calls, I finally called my sister. I told her that Sara had woken up and was doing a lot better than I had expected. I informed her that our daughter was not doing any better than before. She asked when it would be okay for the girls to come and see Sara and I said that it probably should wait until the afternoon and could she keep them until after lunch. She said it was no problem, but I could tell that three girls plus her son and baby girl was getting to be a bit much.

Hanging up the phone, I made my way back to Sara's room. She was asleep, so I quietly slipped into my chair and closed my eyes. I don't know how long I was asleep, but it couldn't have been long.

"Hey." Sara was already awake.

"Hey, you." I reached for her hand. "How're you feeling?"

"Uh…fine." She was lying, there was a thin layer of sweat over her forehead, and her cheeks were flushed.

"You're in pain." I observed.

She shook her head, "Nothing major."

"Babe, you shouldn't be in any pain at all. I'm calling for the nurse."

To my surprise, Sara didn't fight me as I pushed the call button. A minute later, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in."

A nurse poked her head around the door. "Can I help you?"

"Yes. My wife is in a lot of pain. Is there any way you can do something about that? Or else find her doctor so that they can do something?"

"Certainly." And the nurse disappeared.

It took ten minutes for the doctor to arrive by which time I was royally pissed off. After everything Sara had been through, was it too much to ask for a little compassion? Sara had to warn me to calm down and remind me that the doctor was only there to help. After he had administered the pain meds, the doctor left, leaving Sara and I alone again.

"Where are the girls?"

"At my sister's. She came and picked them up last night. I didn't want them waiting around all stressed out and worried, not knowing what was going on." I touched her face. "You really had me worried there for a while."

"I had myself worried too. The only thing I can remember thinking was that I was going to die and leave the only good thing I ever had."

"Oh? And what's that?" I asked playfully.

"You wouldn't know her. Little Spanish thing I met off the Strip. God, has she got a body."

"If you didn't have two holes in your body already…"

"You'd what?"

I just shook my head, smiling.

"I want to see the girls. Show them that I'm alright. When are you picking them up?"

"Actually, Nancy's dropping them off. I thought maybe you'd like to see them after lunch, and after you meet our new son."

She grinned. "Sounds like a plan." She yawned.

"Why don't you go back to sleep? I'll wake you if anything happens."

She nodded, closing her eyes. "'Kay."

I squeezed her hand and released it. "Love you."

I rested my head on the bed beside her and felt her fingers running through my hair. "Love you, too."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Look! No cliffhanger! And I was really this close to giving you one, too. I had one all planned out. But I decided to be nice. Now, you know what that means? It means you should be nice back. And how do you do that, you may ask? Umm…REVIEW! (Duh!) Go, hurry, before this opportunity passes you by. Quick!**


	35. Recoveries

A/N: I know

**A/N: I know. I'm horrible. I'm very, very bad. But no complaining, because your super long update has finally arrived! Hooray! It took me long enough, and believe I am just as mad as you- probably more. But what're you going to do? The inspiration just wasn't there.**

**I would like to thank CatherineWillowsCSI for checking-in and being just generally supportive.**

**And of course I have to thank Rachel (again) for being my inspiration, giving me fabulous ideas, and kicking my ass into gear with her constant support.**

**Alright! On with the show!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It was late morning by the time Sara woke up. I had been so engrossed in my gossip magazine that I didn't realize she was awake until she squeezed my hand. I met her eyes. "Hey, you're up."

She nodded. "Has the doctor been in?"

I shook my head, "Nope. A nurse peaked in, but I asked her to let you sleep. How do you feel?"

"About the same. Groggy, I guess." She smiled mischievously, "Nothing a little lovin' couldn't fix."

"Is that you're way of asking for a kiss?"

"No, it's my way of demanding one. You're here to make me feel better, remember?"

Smiling, I stood and placed a sweet kiss on her lips.

"What? No tongue?"

"I think somebody's feeling better."

Sara gave me a mock pout as I sat back. Then she was serious. "So you've seen them?"

I didn't have to ask who 'them' was. I just nodded quietly. "Yeah, I have."

"And? What are they like?"

"Well, they're small, much smaller than Lindsey was, but they're adorable. I got to hold our son." I smiled. "Honey, he's the sweetest little boy."

"What's he look like?"

"Like a newborn baby."

"Does he look like you?"

I shrugged. "It's hard to tell. He's got blonde hair, the same color Lindsey's was when she was born. Wispy. Almost bald."

"And our little girl?"

"I don't know. She was…she was in the incubator, so I couldn't take her hat off." I squeezed her hand. "But she's got the biggest pair of blue eyes that you ever did see."

"Really?"

"She stared up at me when I held her hand and I could just tell that she was a little fighter."  
"Takes after her mother."

I swept some hair out of her eyes. "Yeah. She does."

"We have five kids now."

"Yep." I grinned.

"Jesus. What the hell are we going to do with them all?"

"I think we're supposed to raise them, put them through school, stand by them and hopefully instill some sense of morality in them."

"Are we completely nuts?"

"Probably." I smiled. "I love you."

She squeezed my hand and smiled back.

There was a knock on the door and Dr. Kroger came in. "Good Morning, again. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Not at all."

"Well, good, because I come bearing good news. Your daughter is showing some signs of improvement."

I sat up a little straighter and Sara looked more alert.

"Her lungs are a bit stronger, and she's breathing a little more regularly."

"So, she's going to be okay? She's going to pull through?"

The doctor hesitated. "Well, she's still very weak. Her heart and lungs could just as easily go back down again as up. But this is a good sign. Infants that show signs of recovery this early after birth are more likely to survive. Trust me, this is good news."

"Is she still on oxygen?"

He nodded. "For the time being; it's best to be cautious. If she continues to improve, we could have her off oxygen and IV as early as tomorrow."

A weight lifted off my chest. "Thank you."

Dr. Kroger raised his arms, "Don't thank me. She's your daughter and at this point it's all about her will to survive."

"Thank you all the same."

He nodded. "The other reason I came in here was I have a question for you, specifically for Ms. Sidle."

We looked at him expectantly.

"How would you like to meet your son, Ms. Sidle?"

Sara grinned and nodded vigorously. "That would be wonderful."

The doctor smiled at us. "Great. Are you up to it now? Or would you like to get a little more rest?"

"Now." Sara said vehemently. "I don't think I can wait any longer."

"Alright. I'll have a nurse bring him to you. It'll be just a minute." He left.

I looked at Sara, smiling. "Just wait 'til you meet him. He's so perfect, you'll just fall in love with him."

"I already love him. You don't carry somebody around in your uterus for seven and half months and only come out with lukewarm feelings. It just doesn't work that way."

"Okay, smarty pants. But you'll fall in love with all over again. He's…he's our son, Sar." My throat was dry. "We have a son."

"And thank god, too." Sara tried to make me smile. "Can you imagine the hormones in our house with seven women? Of course now this poor boy, four sisters and two moms. Does he have a prayer of coming out anywhere near the vicinity of normal?"

I laughed. "Normal is vastly over-rated. I did 'normal' for a long time and it certainly didn't get me anywhere. Didn't make me happy, that's for sure."

"And now, with your handicapped lesbian luvva and massive wild and crazy brood. Now, you're happy?"

"Immensely." I winked at her.

"Hello?" A woman poked her head around the half open door. "Ms. Sidle and Ms. Willows?" At our nods, the woman smiled. "I've got a special delivery for you." Backing into the room, she pulled with her a wheeled cart.

Sara tried to sit up and hissed in pain.

"Careful honey, don't over do it. That's why the beds are electric and adjustable." I reached over and pushed the button that brought her into the sitting position.

"My hero."

I looked over to see the nurse bending low over the cart and a moment later, standing with a little blue bundle in her arms. She smiled at me, "He was asleep the whole ride down here and as soon as he heard your voices, he was wide awake." She fiddled with his blankets. "He's absolutely precious. Congratulations."

Sara looked like she was about to explode with impatience. "Thank you."

The nurse just continued to coo at our son. "Who wants to go see his mommies? Who does? You do! Say hi, mommies! I've been waiting to meet you for a long, long time."

Sara's fingers were itching and I could tell she was just dying to hold him.

Finally, the nurse approached the bed. "Who's going to hold him first?"

"That would be Mama." I pointed at Sara. "Mom's already gotten to hold him once already."

"Okay," the nurse continued to talk at the baby and not to us. "Let's go see your Mama, little man."

The nurse leaned over and placed our son into Sara's good arm and Sara cradled him as best she could. "Is this how you do it? Am I doing it right?" She looked really nervous.

"You're doing just fine." I stood up and came around to her side so that I could see his face.

"Oh." Sara's voice shook and her voice was so full of awe as she looked down at our son. I rubbed her shoulder soothingly. "Hello."

I looked down at the wriggling bundle in her arms and saw my son awake for the first time. I smiled, "Hey, big guy."

Sara sniffed, "Are his eyes as blue as his sister's?"

I shook my head, "No, they're much darker."

"They'll probably change." The nurse put in. We looked at her, having forgotten she was there.

"What?" Sara asked.

"His eyes. Babies with dark blue or grey eyes, they usually change to light brown or green."

I looked back down at my son. I couldn't stop smiling. Neither could Sara. "Hello, beautiful," she whispered. She looked up at me, grinning like a maniac. "He's perfect."

"See? I told you."

"He's so small and light. Here, can you take off his hat? I want to see his hair."

Carefully, I lifted his head and removed his hat.

Sara laughed. "Cat, he does look like you. He has your ears."

I twisted my head so I could see better. _Well, damn. _"He does, I didn't notice before. Poor kid."

"What? I love your ears."

"Well, you're the only one. I got teased in school for years about my sticky-out ears."

"Well, I think they're adorable." She smiled down at our baby, "On both of you."

"You're biased."

"Maybe I am. I wish the girls could be here to meet him."

"Well, they're going to come by this afternoon. Maybe we can arrange another visit." I explained to the nurse, "We have three daughters at home, and they've been waiting for a little brother for a very long time."

"They're going to be so excited. They'll be excited about a sister too, but I don't think they can meet her just yet."

"Knock, knock." Dr. Kroger entered the room, grinning when he saw the baby in Sara's arms. "How's it feel to finally meet him?"

"Unbelievable."

"What's his name?"

Sara and I looked at each other. _Oh, yeah..._

The doctor held back a laugh. "Forgot about that, didn't you?"

Sara looked back down at the baby, "Well, what do you think? Does he look like a Leo, a Simon, or a Charley?"

"Umm…I'm not sure he's any of those." Pulling up my chair, I sat close enough to see the baby's face. "Honey, how do you feel about the name Matthew?"

"Matthew?"

I nodded. "Matthew Warren Sidle-Willows."

Her eyes were watery as she looked at me, "Cath, are you sure? I mean-"

I interrupted her. "Listen. I know we never discussed it, and I know I never met them, but I know how much you love them. And the way I see it, without them, I would have never found the love of my life. And she would have never given me four amazing children. Including a little boy who needs a name. So what do you say?"

Sara looked down at the baby in her arms. He had fallen asleep as we talked. She smiled and bent forward to kiss his head. "Hello, Matthew."

I smiled too and reached out to touch his little arm. "Hi, Matthew. You see? I told you that you had a Mama who couldn't wait to meet you. What do you think? She's pretty cool, eh?"

"You're pretty cool, Matthew." Sara couldn't get enough. Neither could I.

"Ms. Willows, would you like to feed him?"

I looked down and then at the doctor as if he was crazy, "I…can't."

He smiled. "Actually, you can. With Ms. Sidle's injuries and the pain medication she's on, she's unable to breast feed. We've been feeding Matthew, here, from a bottle. I don't think you, Ms. Sidle, could manage Matthew and a bottle, but Ms. Willows, you certainly could. Would you like to give it a go?"

I shrugged, "May as well get used to it, right?"

He laughed. "That's the spirit."

So, Sara reluctantly handed Matthew over and I got to feed him. "Hey, little man, remember me? I'm your Mommy. We're going to be doing a lot of this together. With any luck, we won't be doing it too much at night, though, right?" Cause you'll want to sleep the whole night through."

Sara watched me. "You're wonderful with him."

"So are you."

She shook her head, "Not like you."

"Are you worried?"

"A little. I've never been around babies before. What am I going to do with two?"

I rocked Matthew back and forth. "You're going to do just great. I didn't have any experience with babies when Linds was born. I was never the babysitting type. But I learned. Believe me, I know how corny it sounds, but all you really need is love. Everything else just sort of follows after that." I smiled down at Matthew as he drained the bottle. "Isn't that right, my hungry boy? Tell Mama that everything's going to be alright." I held him up so that Sara could see his face.

She grinned. "Can I hold him again?"

"Sure."

So we took turns holding him for the better part of an hour. But after a while both Sara and Matthew Warren were fading fast and it was time for a nap for both of them. We kissed our son goodbye, and Dr. Kroger assured us that he would be available in the afternoon to meet his big sisters. After that I kissed Sara goodnight and she quickly fell asleep. When I was sure she was sound asleep, I crept out of the room and the hospital to call Nancy and organize the girls' visit. By the time Sara woke up, everybody was already on their way.

I met them outside in the parking lot. Lindsey and Ayla both got out of the car solemn faced, but Maggie ran to me smiling. "Mommy!"

I squatted down to catch her in my arms, "Hey, darlin'." More slowly, the older girls came to me and we had a group hug. "Hey, babies. I've missed you."

"We've missed you too, Mom." Lindsey smiled slightly.

"Look!" Maggie exclaimed, "I brought Bun-bun for Mama to have to make her all better."

Bun-bun was Maggie's stuffed rabbit. I smiled. "That's sweet, Mags. I'm sure she'll love it.

"Aunt Nancy says that the babies were born." Ayla spoke up.

I stood and put a hand on her head. She shook it away. "They were."

"But they were born premature."

"That's right."

"So they are probably very small."

"Yes."

"And one of them is sick."

I pulled Ayla into a one armed hug. "Yes, your little sister is very sick."

Ayla nodded, just making sure she had the facts right.

Nancy straightened from the van with Abigail on one hip. She sidled on over to us. "Any news?"

I shook my head. "Sara's doing alright, but there's no word on the baby."

The weather had cooled since I'd last been outside and I saw that Nance had taken the girls home and gotten them all changed into sweaters. I shivered in my short-sleeved shirt and crossed my arms over my chest. Nancy smiled encouragingly.

"Why don't we all head inside?" I reached for Maggie's hand. "I know Mama is going to be excited to see all of you."

The girls looked unsure, but Lindsey nodded and led the way.

"Mom?" Ayla hung onto my other arm.

"Yeah, sweetheart?"

"Is Mama going to be okay?"

"Yep. It's going to take a little while, but she's going to make a full recovery."

We boarded the elevator in relative silence.

"Mom?" This was Lindsey. "What does Mama look like?"

"She looks like she always does. She has her right arm in a sling and she looks tired, but otherwise, she looks the same."

"Can we touch her?" Ayla asked hesitantly.

"Yes, you can. As long as you're very gentle. And we can't touch her shoulder or her leg where the bullets went in, or her stomach because that's where the babies came out."

Ayla frowned and I knew what she was thinking. "Mama had what's called a c-section, it's a surgery the doctors perform when they need to get babies out really fast. They cut into the mother's stomach and pull the babies out."

"Oh." Ayla seemed pacified.

We got off the elevator and I waved at the nurse who was on duty as we passed by. We paused outside Sara's door.

"Are you sure we can touch her?" Lindsey asked. "I don't want to hurt her."

"You won't hurt her, just be careful."

I felt someone pulling at my jeans and I looked down. Maggie looked up at me worriedly. "What is it, sweet pea?"

"I don't want to go."

"What? Why not?"

She shrugged.

"I don't want to go either." Lindsey said. Ayla shook her head in agreement.

"Why not? What is wrong with you guys?"

"What are we supposed to say?"

"What if I hurt her?"

"I'm scared." Maggie's lip quivered.

I sighed and looked at Nancy for help. She gave me a sympathetic smile. I knelt down on the hard floor to be closer to my kids. "Look, all you have to say is that you love her and that you're glad she's okay. And you won't hurt her. She'll tell you the moment something hurts." I pulled Maggie to me and kissed her cheek. "And there's no reason to be scared." I assured her. "It's just Mama. But if you want, I can carry you until you're ready to say hello. How does that sound?"

"Bun-bun, too?"

"Yes, I'll carry Bun-bun, too."

"Okay."

Lifting Maggie onto my hip I realized that she was going to have to get used to walking very soon; she wasn't the baby anymore. Opening the door, I knocked on the wall. Sara turned her head away from the TV and smiled as she saw me.

"Hey there."

"I brought you a little company."

"I see that." She looked past me. "Hey, guys. Come on in."

I looked over my shoulder and saw the older girls clustered by the door. "Come on, don't be shy."

Bravely, it was Lindsey who approached the bed first. "Hi, Mama. How are you feeling?"

Sara reached her right hand out and pulled Lindsey closer to her. "Much better now that you're here."

"Do you hurt?" Ayla asked, edging closer.

"A little. The doctors have me on some medication that takes the pain away."

There was an awkward silence in which both girls looked at the ground.

Sara looked at me questioningly and I shrugged. "Well, come here and give me a hug, you monsters. I've been waiting to see you all day."

This seemed to break the ice a bit and both Lindsey and Ayla gently leaned over and put their arms around Sara.

"Geez, I'm not going to break," Sara joked. "Hug me like you mean it." Lindsey snuggled into Sara's chest and began to shake. Sara rubbed her back with her good arms, "Hey, now. What's all this?"

Lindsey mumbled something incomprehensible.

"What?"

Linds lifted her head up. "I said I was so scared that you were going to die." There were tears streaming down her face.

Sara wiped at the tears as best she could. "I was scared too. But you know what?"

Linds shook her head.

"I'm okay. I'm going to be alright. Everything's going to be just fine."

Maggie, who up until now had kept her face pressed against my neck, turned around to peak at Sara for the first time. "Mama?" Her voice was tiny and unsure.

Sara looked up from the older girls and smiled, "Hello, Miss Maggie May."

"Mama!" Out of nowhere, she just started to ball and I remembered that she had actually seen Sara bleeding out on the asphalt. She opened her arms to Sara and reached for her, nearly throwing my back out. Gently, I lay her on the bed so that she could hug Sara.

Sara kissed the top of her head and wrapped an arm around her. "Shh. It's okay. I'm right here."

"Mama!" Maggie continued to wail. This got Lindsey crying again and even Ayla, who rarely cried, was visibly upset.

Sara snuggled with them for a minute. Once they were calmed down, she said, "Well, now that you've seen that I'm okay, who wants to meet their baby brother?"

"Me!" Maggie exclaimed, sitting up suddenly.

Sara winced visibly.

"Are you okay?" Lindsey asked.

Sara managed a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Cath? Can you get the doctor so that we can get Matthew down here again?"

"Matthew?" Nancy spoke up from the doorway. "Is that his name? I don't remember that being on the list."

"It wasn't," I heard Sara begin to explain, "But Catherine…" Her voice faded as I stepped past my sister and into the hall. I went to the nurse's station and a phone call and a few minutes later, a nurse emerged from the elevator with the same wheeled cart. I immediately approached her. "Can I carry him in?"

She looked at me like I was crazy.

"I'm his mother." I quickly explained. "He's my son."

This seemed to pacify her, because she nodded.

I leaned in and picked him up. "Hey, little guy. I've missed you." I bounced him in my arms as I headed down the hall. The nurse with the cart followed behind me. "Guess what? You're about to meet all of your big sisters. Remember how I told you about them? They're all really excited to meet you." I shifted him into one arm so I could open the door. "Ready? Here we go. Hey, guys. Guess who's here?"

All faces turned towards me. My sister and Sara smiled, while the girls watched me with curiosity and excitement. "Is that Matthew, Mommy?" Maggie asked, clambering to the end of the bed so she could get a better look at the blankets in my arms.

"It sure is." I headed over to the chair that was by the bed and sat down so everyone could get a closer look. "Lindsey, help your sister off the bed so she can come meet her brother."

Lindsey obliged, carefully lifting Maggie off the bed, cautious to avoid Sara's injuries. Then she hastily placed her on the ground and bounded over to look over my shoulder. "He's awfully small, isn't he, Mom?"

"Well, that's what happens when babies are born early."

I felt Nancy's hand on my shoulder, "Oh, Cath, he's gorgeous. He looks a bit like Lindsey when she was born."

"He does?" Linds wanted to know.

"Wait 'til you see his sister. She looks so much like Lindsey it's scary. Except much smaller. Linds was nearly eight pounds and her sister's not even four."

Sara frowned. "You never told me that."

I smiled sadly at her and nodded. "She's pretty tiny. But she's adorable. I can't wait until you all get to meet her."

"What's her name?" Nance asked.

I shrugged, "She doesn't have one yet. I think we should wait until Sara can meet her to name her."

"I already know what her name is." Sara said matter-of-factly.

"Do you?" I raised an eyebrow.

"It's Catherine."

"Grr." I growled. "You stubborn ox. How many times do we have to go over this?" Matthew started to fuss. "Oh," I bounced him up and down, "What's the matter, little man? Are you hungry? Do you need a bottle? Or what? What's wrong?" But he just continued to cry.

"Can I hold him?" Linds asked.

"I don't know Linds, he's being a little fussy."

"That's okay, I'll be really careful, I promise."

I looked at Sara who nodded. "Alright. Here," I stood up. "Sit down and I'll hand him to you."

Linds complied and I carefully placed her brother in her lap. She held him gently and grinned when he immediately stopped crying. "Hi, Matthew. I'm Lindsey and I'm your biggest sister. I'm the tallest and the oldest. I'm going to take really good care of you. Soon I'll be old enough to baby-sit you all by myself."

"Not that soon." Sara disputed.

"Soon." Lindsey reassured Matthew. She looked up at me. "This is so cool. He's so cute. But I don't think he looks like me. I don't have sticky-out ears."

Sara and Nancy laughed.

I reprimanded. "You are not allowed to tease him about those ears. That goes for all of you."

Maggie pulled her ears out with her fingers, looking like a monkey, she laughed. "Funny ears."

"What did I just say?"

"No teasing about ears." Maggie replied diligently, letting her ears go and putting her hands behind her back.

"That's right."

"I still say they're cute." Sara smiled lovingly at me and I smiled back.

"They are cute." Encouraged Nancy. "On babies at least. On forty year-old women though…" She cracked a grin. "Well, Dumbo here will tell you, life ain't easy."

"Hey! Mom made you promise never to call me that ever again!"

"Yeah, in like third grade."

"Ever again means _ever again!_"

"Dumbo?" Maggie questioned. "I love Dumbo!" She flapped her hands excitedly beside her ears. "He flies." This made everyone smile.

"Can I hold Matthew now?" Ayla spoke up from her position by Sara's shoulder.

"No! I just got him."

"Nah-uh. You've had him forever."

"Nah-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nah-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Girls! Lindsey let your sister hold the baby."

"But Mom…"

"Trust me, Linds. When we get home, there will be so many opportunities to hold him that you'll be sick of it."

Lindsey rolled her eyes but handed Matthew to me and stood up to let Ayla take her place.

Ayla just loved holding the baby. I could tell it made her feel very grown up and special. She spoke to him so softly that none of us could hear but whatever she said seemed to content him because he yawned, squeaked and promptly fell asleep.

"Okay, my turn!" Maggie decided after she felt Ayla had held him for long enough. Graciously, Ayla returned the baby to me and moved aside to allow Maggie to jump up in the seat.

"Now, Mags, you have to be really careful with Matthew. You don't want to squeeze him too hard or drop him. You have to be really gentle."

"Okay, okay." She kicked her feet back forth. "I'm ready!"

I had to smile. "Okay, okay. You're ready."

Maggie was over the moon about holding Matthew. She kept scrunching up her face and giggling and then kissing his head. Soon, Matthew was fast asleep and Nancy said she had to get going. She hugged me and kissed Sara on the cheek, wishing us congratulations and Sara to get well soon. I took Matthew from Maggie and put him in Sara's arms because she looked like she could use a fix.

Lindsey wanted to know if they could meet their little sister but I told her not yet. Truthfully, I didn't want to scare them by letting them see all of the machines and tubes, plus I wasn't sure that the doctor would allow three noisy children into the PICU.

After a while, the girls started to wilt and I realized that I would need to leave Sara and take them home. I was hoping that my mother would baby-sit for awhile that evening so that I could come back to Sara, but I hadn't actually asked her yet. She hadn't called to see if Sara was okay and I didn't know how to take that.

Taking Matthew from Sara, I placed him in his little cart. Sara, too, looked like she was beginning to fade. "Hon? I'm going to take the girls home now, okay? We're all pretty tired and I think they could use some downtime."

Sara nodded, wearily. "Will you come back today?"

"Tonight. I'm going to try."

She nodded again and then smiled at the girls. "Alright, everybody get over here and give me a goodnight hug and kiss. I probably won't see you until after school tomorrow."

"School?" Lindsey protested. "But we didn't have to go to school today. Can't we just miss one more day?"

"Not on my account, kiddo. But just think. When you go to school tomorrow you can tell everyone all about your new brother and sister."

"Oh, yeah. That will be cool. Olivia will be so jealous. She really wants a little sister, but her moms say that they aren't going to have anymore babies. And now I have _three _little sisters and a little brother. She's going to be just so jealous."

Sara and I exchanged smiles. "Alright, guys, kiss Mama goodbye so we can go." All three girls crowded around the bed and took their turns saying goodbye. When they were done, I took my turn. I took Sara's head in my hands and kissed her lightly.

But she brought her good hand up into my hair and deepened the kiss. "I love you," she whispered.

I rested my forehead against hers. "I love you, too. And I'll be back before you know it, okay? I won't leave you by yourself."

She nodded and kissed me again, gently this time.

"Are you two done being gross now?" Lindsey was at the door waiting expectantly.

"Absolutely not!" Sara grinned and kissed me hard.

"Eww!" Lindsey made a face. "Parents are not supposed to kiss like that!"

"Of course they are. Believe me, you would be very sad if you had the kind of parents who never kissed."

"I like it!" Maggie argued, kissing the air.

"Good, I'm glad. It's time to go." I squeezed Sara's hand and headed towards the door."

"Cath?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you move him a little closer to the bed? Just so I can see him?"

"Absolutely." I wheeled Matthew's cart over until it was pressed up against Sara's bed. "There." I leaned over the cart and laid a kiss on his forehead. "Goodbye, little one. I'll see you soon."

"Bye, Matthew!" Maggie called.

"Bye, Matthew." The older girls chorused.

I smiled at the mother of my children who smiled right back. With a final wave and a blown kiss, we were out the door. I immediately missed my wife and son and it was hard not to turn around and go sit vigil with them. But I was tired. We were all tired. And it was time to go home.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I had forgotten that we didn't have a car, so once we were outside, I had to call a cab and we ended up waiting for over half an hour for it to show up. The ride home was silent because all three girls immediately fell asleep. I just stared out the window thinking and trying not to think about everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. I was an exhausted mess. I couldn't wait to just hop in the shower and then into bed. But first I had to see to the girls.

Arriving home, I woke the two older girls and pulled Maggie into my arms to carry her up the front steps. I gave the keys to Lindsey only to find that the door was already open. Had we forgotten to lock it on our way out the day before? I didn't think so. I stepped inside and much to my surprise immediately smelled someone cooking in the kitchen. Someone cooking something very, very good. Though, having not eaten in the last twenty-four hours, just about anything would have smelled good to me.

Moving into the kitchen I was greeted by another surprise. "Mom?"

"Nana!" There was my mother wearing an apron she must have brought from home because I certainly did not own one.

"Mom?" I questioned again.

"Hello, dear."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm cooking you dinner, what does it look like I'm doing?"

"I…I don't know." I was still stunned to see her standing there.

"Catherine, you look a mess."

There was the mother I knew and loved. "Yeah. Thanks, Mom." I was still carrying Maggie, and her dead weight was starting to take it's toll. "Look, Mom, I'm going to go put her down. Can you just watch the other two for a minute?"

"Of course, dear."

"Thanks."

"While you're upstairs, why don't you bathe and change your clothes? Dinner should be ready by the time you're done."

All I could do was nod my head in exhaustion as I headed out of the room.

The feeling of the hot water felt amazing on my skin. I felt like I could wash away not only the blood and grime of the day before but also flush away the actual events along with them. Stepping out of the shower I felt a million times better. I was still tired, but getting clean had completely turned my mood around. Now I just had to deal with my mother and figure out what in the world she was doing here.

Stepping through the dining room, I found the table set. I could see through to the living room that the girls had passed out watching a movie. And my mother was still hard at work in the kitchen. I leaned in the doorway. "What's for dinner?"

Mother looked up from the stove. "Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots, and if it's okay with you, chocolate cake for dessert."

My stomach rumbled. This is what I had had for dinner every year on my birthday when I was growing up. "Sounds delicious."

"Yes, well, I figured you could use a little comfort food."

"Thank you."

"When Nancy called me, I figured you might need a little help, so just let myself in." She looked at me. "I was sort of expecting a call from you."

I flushed guiltily. "I'm sorry. Things were just so hectic. I only called Nancy so that she could come and take the girls. I should have called. But I didn't know how you'd react. I know you don't exactly like Sara…"

My mother looked shocked. "Catherine Flynn! I can't believe you just said that. Sara and I may have our differences but I would never wish her any harm. Besides, she is or rather was carrying my grandchildren. And I would never want anything to happen to them."

I ducked my head. "I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't. I'm just tired. And everything's a mess. I don't know how to handle it all. How am I going to do this? How can I take care of the girls and stay with Sara and look after the babies and what about work? With Sara injured…I…"

And then my Mom did something she hasn't done since I was a little girl. She pulled me into her arms and cradled my head against her chest. "Hush. Everything's going to be okay now. The worst part is over and everyone survived."

And suddenly, in my mother's arms, the day caught up with me, and I began to shake with what was left of my tears. I returned her embrace and I sobbed. And she just held me. She stroked my hair shushed me like she hadn't done in thirty years. And I found comfort in it. I don't know how long we stood there, but after a while, I was no longer crying. But she didn't let go.

"Mommy? Are you okay?" I stood up straight to find Ayla in the doorway. Wiping at my eyes, I smiled at her. "Yeah, baby, I'm fine."

"Why were you crying?"

I squatted down so I could be eye level with her. "I was just a little sad about what happened to Mama. It was really scary, wasn't it?"

She nodded and I pulled her into a hug and stood, lifting her off the ground. She laughed.

I hugged her tighter. "Oh, I love you, kiddo. You know that? You make me happy. You make me not want to cry anymore."

"I love you, too, Mommy." She hugged my neck and kissed my cheek.

I set her down on the ground. "Now, go wake Lindsey up and wash your hands. It's almost time for dinner."

"What about Maggie?"

"I think we'll let Maggie sleep through dinner. She can have leftovers if she wakes up." Ayla skipped off and I turned back to my mother.

She was giving me an odd look.

"What?"

"You really see her as your daughter, don't you?"

I set my jaw. "She is my daughter. Legally and in my heart. She and Maggie are as much my daughters as Lindsey is."

My mother nodded. "Well, if they are my daughter's daughters, I guess that makes them my granddaughters."

I smiled. "Thank you."

Dinner was a quiet affair, though the girls did dig into their chocolate cake. After that I lay down for a two hour nap, when I was up again, my mother willingly volunteered to spend the night with the girls so that I could return to the hospital and Sara. She even offered to take them to school in the morning, if it turned out that I spent the whole night there. I took Sara's car, and was there in no time. I waved to the now familiar nurses at the station and headed down the hall to Sara's room. I knocked quietly on the door but there was no answer.

I opened the door to find Sara asleep and frowning. She was muttering under her breath too. I made my way around the bed and took a seat. I watched her for several minutes, debating whether or not to wake her up. Sara had had a few nightmares at the beginning of our relationship, but they had disappeared pretty quickly. Now, though…was this a nightmare? Or maybe just some intense dream. I knew it was important for her to get her rest.

When she began thrashing, however, I knew she was having a nightmare and I moved to wake her. But it turned out I didn't have to. In the thrashing, she had accidentally moved her right arm and she yelled out with the pain and her eyes flew open. "Sara!"

She looked around wildly. "Cat?"  
"I'm here, baby." I tried to take her hand but she pulled back. It hurt, but I knew she was still in shock. She was breathing heavily. "Baby?"

"I'm okay." She said a little too quickly. "I'm fine."

"You were having a nightmare."

She shook her head. "No. No. I'm fine. Don't worry."

I wanted to protest, but I could tell that she really didn't want to talk about it so I let it go. For now. Looking over, I saw that the baby cart was empty. "Where's Matthew?" This question seemed to ground her. She looked sadly at me and then down at her blanket, picking at the hem. "Baby?"

"She, baby Catherine, she got worse again."

My stomach tightened.

"Her lungs stopped working for a little while and they had to put her on ventilator."

I reached out for her hand, and this time she didn't pull away.

"She's stabilized now, but they were really worried for a little while."

"So, where's Matthew?"

"The doctor came in. He said he wanted to try something. He said that sometimes with twins, they do better if they're together. He wants to try keeping Matthew in the incubator with her, to see if it will help her pull through. I said it was fine. I mean, I love having him here but if there's a chance he can help save his sister, then that's much more important."

I smiled. "She'll be okay." I said, bravely.

Sara smile weakly too. "Yeah. How are the girls?"

"Exhausted. My mother showed up."

"Yeah? What'd she say."

So I told her about my encounter with my mother, including the part where she adopted Ayla and Maggie. This made her smile. After awhile, we were all talked out and we just sat there in silence. Soon, Sara was asleep again, it must've been her drugs that were making her so drowsy. When I knew she was completely out for the count, I snuck out of the room. Using pen and paper from the nursing station, I left her a note;

_Gone to visit the babies. Be back soon. All my love C._

With that I took the elevator to the PICU. I recognized the nurse as the one from the night before and she recognized me, allowing me to enter the room and take the rocking chair nearest my children. There they were. Side by side. Getting up, I went to wash my hands so that I could touch them. Reaching, in I stroked along my daughter's arm and then laid a hand on my son's chest. Seeing his strong lungs right next to hers, it was easy to see the difference. And she was so much smaller. Her skin was paler.

"Hey, guys. Hello, my beautiful ones. I bet it's nice to finally meet outside Mama's tummy, huh? How are you feeling, baby girl? Your big brother, Matthew, is here to help you and watch over you. What do you think of that? I think it's pretty neat. So you hurry up and get better, okay? We're all praying for you."

I sat back with one hand still in the incubator, just touching the small hand of my daughter. Rocking back and forth and humming a non-descript soothing tune, I eventually rocked myself to sleep.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Alright, you know the drill by now- it's chapter 35 for Pete's sake. You know, I've never really thought about it, but who is this Pete? And why on earth to do we care about him and his sake? So, don't review for Pete. Pooey on Pete. Do it for me. ME! Myx Nyx. **


	36. Update

A/N: Hello, my beautiful readers

**A/N: Hello, my beautiful readers! I know what you're thinking; an update this short cannot possibly be good. And it's not. I know I haven't updated in forever and I'm sorry. The inspiration just hasn't been there and I'm dealing with a really tricky part. Plus, I want it to be just perfect for you. **

**Here's the bad news: Tomorrow morning I leave for a month-long trip to California where I will probably not have a lot of Internet access. I wanted to have an update ready for you before I left, but it's just not going to happen. Can't force it. I will, however, have my laptop with me, so hopefully I will have a shiny new chapter for you when I get back! I know how annoying this is and I'm really sorry. Hope you're not too disappointed.**

**Wish me luck on my sun-filled beach vacation!**

**XO and more soon (I promise),**

**Myx Nyx**


	37. At Last

A/N: Say you love me- really love

**A/N: Say you love me- really love**

**Oh, yea of little faith! Come on. Admit it, how many of you thought I was never coming back? That's right- raise your hands. I know there were a few non-believers. And yet here I am, with your longest post to date. Twenty-five freaking pages that took me all summer to write. **

**I'm not one-hundred percent thrilled with the outcome, but I figured (and this is good logic here) that my fan base is primarily comprised of forensic fanatics with a little too much time on there hands and a flare for the creative. If I waited much longer, no one would ever find my body- and even if they did, they definitely wouldn't be able to identify it.**

**Alright, I've got some (or you know…a lot of) dedications for this one;**

**Firstly for; Chez, who's writing got me off my ass a couple days ago and without whom you might all be waiting several more weeks for an update.**

**Then For; Kess, Harley Quinn Davidson, and ClickClaire- welcome to the Journey of a Lifetime fic! I love new readers!**

**Also for; CSISVUTWFBgurl, Jessievamp06, CavanaughCSI3, and CatherineWillowsCSI for their continued support through the worst writers block imaginable. Your reviews and messages really kept me going.**

**Definitely for; Rach. The ultimate sounding board and my biggest supporter throughout the summer.**

**And ****especially**** for; Maggsie. I'm not one hundred percent sure this is what you were hoping for. It's not really a terribly cheery post, very little fluff to be had, but hopefully it's mere existence will lift your spirits. This one's just for you (and you know…the nine other people above you) But that's only because I saved the best for last!**

**Alright, that's enough of that. The freaking hugest author's note on the face of the whole bloody planet. Well? Scram! Go read!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Putting Matthew in the incubator with his little sister turned out to be a wonderful idea. Even within a couple of hours, she was already showing signs of improvement. And over the next few days, she continued to progress.

I worked out a schedule where I was able to divide my time at the hospital between the babies and Sara, and my time at home between the girls and sleep. Mostly I caught a few hours of sleep while the girls were at school and then played with them when they got home. Then I would spend my nights at the hospital instead of at work.

Sara slept a lot of the time I was with her, but I think that my presence was soothing none the less. Whenever I would step out, to see the babies or just to stretch my legs, she would begin to have violent nightmares. But when I questioned her about them, she refused to comment, choosing instead to bottle it up. I didn't like it, but I knew better than to push her and I couldn't see anything else that I could do.

I was amazed at how supportive my mother was through the whole ordeal. Her little thing with cooking dinner was just the beginning. She would drive the girls to school or pick them up so that I could sleep. She continued to cook our meals. She would even stay over on the couch so that I could visit Sara for longer periods of time.

A week went by, and the doctors decided that Sara was finally healed enough to be put in wheelchair so that she could be taken up to meet her daughter. I had taken pictures to show her, but they just looked really sad and pathetic and it was hard to see how beautiful she was from just a photo.

"She's definitely a Catherine, Cath."

"You're just saying that. You've only seen her for about thirty seconds."

"All the same. I know a Catherine when I see one."

"Sara, we cannot call her Catherine. Think how confusing that's going to be for her."

Sara raised up her good hand. "Hey, as long as the name Catherine is in there somewhere, I don't care what we call her."

I sighed, I could feel myself beginning to cave. "Okay, but I get to pick what we call her."

"Umm…no. That's a decision we make together."

"How about, I give you three names and you pick which one?"

Sara thought for a moment, her eyes drifting over our baby. "What if we give the girls three names and let them pick? That way neither of us has more say than the other?"

I just stared at her. "You want to give three names to a five year-old and hope she picks one we like?"

"Well, the whole point would be that we like all three names. It's not like we're saying 'name her whatever you want."

I rubbed my temples. "Okay. We still need three names."

"Grace was one we both liked a lot."

"Okay, Grace is one. What about Elizabeth? I love Elizabeth."

"Alright, Elizabeth and Grace. And I vote for Diana."

"No. Absolutely not. I will not have a daughter named Diana."

"But you got to pick Elizabeth. And I'm not crazy about that name either. Come on, Cath. It's only fair."

I sighed. "Fine. I'll just have to pray that they don't pick it."

"Come on. Catherine Diana? I think it's got a ring."

"So does Catherine Elizabeth."

"So does Catherine Grace. See? I think we've done well. Now we'll just let the girls pick."

"This is a crazy idea."

"Or is it a brilliant idea?" Sara smiled up at me. "Now, wheel me over to the sink. I want to be able to touch her." We washed Sara's hands and I wheeled her back over to the babies. She reached in to take her daughter's hand. "Hey there, Catherine."

"Sara…" I warned.

"Oh, right. Sorry. Hey there, baby. God, Cath, she's so tiny. I could pick her up in one hand."

"I think she's actually a little bigger than when she was born."

"Compared to Matthew, she's a little midget." She smiled. "Hey, little midget."

I slapped her up the back of the head lightly. "Don't start calling her that, she'll end up dragging it around her entire life."

"What am I supposed to call her? She's like a little elf baby. And she's got your elf ears too. In fact, I think she looks exactly like you."

"I don't care what you call her. Honey. Baby. Scooter. Anything but midget. We short people take that kind of thing personally."

"Scooter?" She raised an eyebrow.

"It was just an example."

"No, I like it." She wiggled the baby's arm. "Hiya, Scooter. What's it like in there? I bet you're pretty bored and would like to come out. Well, don't worry about it. The Dr. Kroger said you're doing so well that tomorrow he's going to take you off oxygen. And then your Mommy and I get to hold you. How does that sound?" The baby squeaked and both Sara and I smiled.

Something occurred to me and I turned to the nurse on duty. "Excuse me? Do you think you could take her hat off just for moment? We want to see what color her hair is."

The nurse smiled, "I could, or I could just tell you. It's red. Bright red."

Sara beamed. "Really? Can we see?"

The nurse nodded and came forward. Carefully she unlocked and removed the top of the incubator. Then she gently pulled the hat off her tiny head.

Sara laughed. "Was your hair ever this red, hon?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. It was redder when I was younger. But I don't remember it ever being that red."

"The sperm donor must have had a recessive gene for red hair. Redheads are so genetically unlikely."

I smiled and gently reached down to touched the soft red fuzz.

"She's going to be a wild one." The nurse prophesized.

"Oh yeah? How can you tell?"

She shrugged, "Just a guess. She's stubborn enough to survive this long. I don't think she'll ever let anybody tell her what she can and cannot do."

Sara and I exchanged glances and then Sara laughed. "If I can handle you, I can handle anything this little one can throw at us."

"She'll be a good girl, won't you sweetheart?" She coughed and it was almost like she was laughing at me.

The next day, I picked the girls up from school and drove to the hospital as we did most days. Lindsey and Ayla would do there homework in Sara's room while Maggie sat on the bed and entertained us. When the older girls were done with their homework, we rounded them up and told them our plan about naming the babies. They were delighted. We gave them their choices. Grace. Elizabeth. Diana. Being the grown-up older sister, Lindsey decided that they needed to go out of the room to discuss it.

When they came back in, they were smiling.

"Well?" I asked expectantly.

"Well, we've talked about it a lot and we've decided."

"What's it going to be?"

Lindsey looked at the other girls and then at the same time they all said. "Elizabeth!"

I grinned triumphantly. Matthew Warren and Catherine Elizabeth. And it had only taken us a week. "Alright! Who wants to go meet baby Catherine Elizabeth? I talked to the doctor and he said that as long you're very careful, you guys can go in. What do you say?"

"Hooray!"

I leaned down and kissed Sara on the forehead. "We'll be back in a flash, darlin'."

"No problem, give Matthew and," she scrunched her nose, "and Elizabeth a kiss for me. Tell them I'll be back to visit them again really soon."

"I will."

I had been afraid that all of the tubes and wires would scare the girls, but they were fascinated. "She's even smaller than Matthew!" Lindsey observed.

"She's really cute though." Ayla encouraged.

"I love her!" Maggie exclaimed, making us all laugh.

When we returned to Sara's room half an hour later, I caught Sara gazing out the window, a pensive expression on her face. "Hey, hon. Are you okay?"

Sara turned toward me slowly, "Yeah. I'm fine." But I knew it wasn't the whole truth. She was holding something back. I pushed back my frown and forced a smile as the girls crowded in from behind me.

Another week later, and Catherine Elizabeth had made an almost entirely full recovery. She was breathing on her own, she was out of the incubator, and she was ready to go home. Sara, too, was ready to leave the hospital. The doctor had shown her how to get around using one crutch, which was great because it meant we didn't have to wheelchair proof the house. She wouldn't be able to manage stairs just yet, which meant she'd be sleeping on the pull out, but at least she'd be coming home.

I would be sleeping in our bedroom because we had turned one corner of it into the babies' room and I had to be near them. Carrying them out of the hospital was liberating after spending so much time behind those suffocating walls. The nurses were sorry to see us go, I think. Over the weeks they had all bonded with the girls and the babies. I carried out Matthew and Sara held Elizabeth as she was wheeled out. I put them in their infant car-seats and helped Sara into the passenger seat.

As for work, it was obvious that both Sara and I would be out of commission for quite a while. Sara needed to recover and I had five children to take care of including two premature infants. But the team couldn't work two bodies short. The only option we had was to find temporary replacements and take three months leave. After those three months were up, I didn't know what we were going to do.

I thought getting Sara home would help liven her spirits a bit, but it didn't. In fact, she only seemed to get worse. The first night we were home, I couldn't sleep because it was not my normal sleeping pattern. I kept playing with the babies when I knew I should be trying to establish a regular sleep schedule. Restless, I came downstairs to get a glass of water only to hear low whining sound coming from the living room. I went in to check on Sara only to find her thrashing about yet again.

I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Sar? Sar, wake up."

She sat up too quickly and grabbed her arm, her face contorted in agony.

"Babe?" I asked hesitantly. "Do you need your meds?"

She shook her head, still trying to breathe through the pain. I sat beside her for several minutes until her labored breaths evened out.

"Are you okay?" I asked the stupid question.

But Sara just shrugged off my concern. "It's nothing."

But I was determined to get something out of her. "No. It's not nothing. You've been having these, these nightmares for weeks now. What's it all about?" I had a feeling I already knew.

Sara bristled. "Goddammit, Cath, I told you it's nothing. Leave it the fuck alone."

I sat back, shocked at the anger in her voice. She hadn't spoken to me like that since we'd gotten together. I felt the old familiar heat in my stomach and in my head. I set my jaw. "I will not _leave it the fuck alone_. I've just spent the last eight hours taking care of two babies by myself. Feeding them, changing them, holding them. And it's just the beginning. This is the next two years of our lives. It's going to be hard. And right now you're acting like we're not in this together."

"If you hate it so much, maybe having a baby was a mistake."

I frowned as my heart iced over. "Is that what you think?"

She just looked away from me.

I sighed. "Look. You've been detached since we got home, you were short with the girls at dinner, and you won't even talk to me unless I force something out of you. Something's bothering you. I know you're healing and that you've been through a terrible ordeal, but the only way we're going to get through this is if we support each other and communicate. You're not the only one whose hurting here, Sara. Lindsey cries in her sleep, Ayla jumps at loud noises, sometimes I can't even close my eyes without seeing you lying there with blood everywhere. Just talk to me, Sar."

She looked back at me with watery eyes. "Leave me alone, Catherine. I can take care of myself."

I shook my head. "But you don't have to. That's the whole point. I'm your partner, Sara. I will always be here no matter what. I'm here because I want to share in every part of you. Your triumphs _and _your nightmares. I'm here no matter what."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything."

At that moment, the baby monitor in my bathrobe pocket went off as one of the twins started to wail. I needed to get to them before they both started crying and woke up the older girls. I stood and looked at Sara who stared at the sheets. "I love you, Sara. And I'll be here when you want to talk."

But Sara never came to me, and over the next few days, this depression she was in only seemed to get worse. She barely talked to me or the girls, she began to refuse food, and finally, she refused to hold the babies. That was the final straw. I was overly exhausted and I lost it. The minute the girls were out the door and on the way to school, I rounded on Sara.

She was sitting in a chair just staring out the window; she was non-responsive even when I slammed the door. My chest was heaving with anger. "Go to Hell, Sara! You can just go to Hell! I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing but I will not tolerate it in this house. Maybe in your other relationships it was okay to shut the other person out like this, or maybe that's why all of your other relationships failed. Either way, I won't take this. This isn't some fling you can just run away from. I won't let you, god damn it! We're both in this. Do you think there aren't days when all I want to do is curl into a ball and break down?

"Do you think there aren't times when I want to scream my lungs out from the weight of it all? Just get away from it all? Do you think I'm made of stone? But I don't have the luxury of breaking down and neither do you. We have five children, for Christ's sake. I am sick of this. How can you be this selfish? Lindsey hasn't given me this much attitude since her father died. Ayla isn't talking. And Maggie. Maggie thinks she's done something wrong to make you mad at her- it's breaking her heart. I don't know what you're going through, but you seriously need to snap out of it. Or I don't know what I'm going to do."

I expected Sara to retaliate, to say something, anything. But she didn't. She just sat there, staring out the window. Disgusted, I turned away to go clean up the breakfast dishes. Then I went to check on the babies, feed them and change them. I lay on the bed with them, cooing them and comforting them. "I don't know what's wrong with your Mama, little ones. She won't talk to me."

Coming back downstairs, I saw that Sara hadn't moved. When I looked at her face, it was obvious she had been crying. My heart ached. Why wouldn't she just talk to me? Bending over her chair, I gently kissed her forehead. "I love you, Sara." Walking away, I suddenly had an idea. It was time to bring in the big guns. Picking up the phone I dialed a now familiar number. After ten minutes on the phone with Tim, I hung up and dialed a different number. Three rings and a pick up. "Mo? It's Catherine. How about that visit?"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

I waited by the arrivals gate at McCarran International Airport, hands in my pockets, bouncing on my toes. When I saw a familiar face in the crowd, I smiled and waved.

"Catherine! I was expecting to take a taxi to the hotel. They let you out for good behavior?" Maureen was grinning as she dropped her bag and enveloped me in a tight hug.

"My mother and sister decided I needed to get out of the house for the first time in two weeks, or as my mother says it, "Catherine you look like hell, when was the last time you saw daylight?" I laughed.

"Well you look just great to me."

"Yeah, I actually got a shower today, by some miracle. Do you have bags?" We headed over to baggage claim to retrieve Maureen's other bag, and made our way to the parking lot. "Listen, I know how this is going to sound since you just got here, but can we stop for some groceries before we head to the house? My sister has been picking me up basics like bread and milk, but I could really do with a run. And who knows when I'll get another chance?"

Maureen smiled, "I've got three kids under five, not quite as impressive as your brood but still, you don't have to explain anything to me. Let's go, it'll be fun." We got in the car, joking and laughing; it felt good, relaxing. But halfway through the drive, our conversation turned serious. Maureen turned to me. "How is she?"

I sighed. "Not good. She's totally non-responsive. She gets out of bed, she sits in her chair, she goes to physical therapy, she comes home, she sits in that damn chair until dinner, and then she gets back into bed. She won't sleep until she passes out from exhaustion, she suffers from nightmares, and she won't talk to anyone, not even the kids. She won't hold the babies."

Maureen gave me a sympathetic smile.

"I just wish I knew what was wrong."

"You mean you don't?"

"You do?"

"It sounds to me like she's depressed."

"Well, yeah, I kind of figured that one out. I just can't figure out what about."

"Can't you?"

I sighed exasperatedly. "No, I can't. I wouldn't have asked for your help if I had all the answers."

"Calm down," I began to wonder if Mo could do anything without a smile on her face. "I'm not trying to fluster you here. But you and Sara are very different. In some ways, you're also very similar, but in this way, you couldn't be more different. Now, what would you say if I said that Sara was depressed over the shooting and the birth of the babies?"

We paused at a red light and I looked at her, confused. "I'd say you'd be dead to be wrong. Sara wouldn't let something like that come between her and the responsibility of taking care of her children."

"I'm sure that's not what she's trying to do. Sara is nothing if not noble. I think that maybe she thinks she's protecting you all in some way."

I hit the steering wheel. "But she's not! She's making everything worse. It's like she's not even there, Mo. I've never seen her like this."

"I have. More than once. Sara internalizes. You know this."

"But she hasn't done that since we got together."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"You mean to tell me that she sits there and talks out every hard case she has? That she comes to you with every ounce of her pain and suffering rather than stoically trying to protect you?"

I was silent. I couldn't honestly say that Sara had come to me every time she had a problem. How had I not noticed? Had I been so happy in her presence that I just let it pass?

"That's what I thought." Maureen said.

"She's been doing it this whole time, hasn't she?"

"Probably. Don't get me wrong. I've never seen her happier than when I've seen her with you. And I think you do wonders for her self-esteem. But you didn't really expect to just change thirty years of survival instincts on a dime, did you?"

Again, I was quiet. That's exactly what I had thought. I had grown to believe that simply by being there, I could scare all of Sara's shadows away. It seemed stupid now that I thought about it. I mean, maybe I had helped some before, but now Sara had a whole new set of shadows to deal with. And Maureen was right, Sara obviously thought she was protecting us from her darkness when really all she was doing was pulling us deeper in with her.

"When are Larry and Tim getting in?" Mo asked.

I sighed, grateful for the subject change. "Not until tomorrow. I'm afraid they won't get the luxury treatment, though. I don't know how often I can talk my mother and sister into doing this."

An hour and a half later, Mo and I returned to the house, bags of groceries in tow. The house was oddly quiet, until I heard the splashing and screeching coming from the backyard; pool party. Sara was no where to be seen. Quickly putting the groceries away, I led Maureen outside.

Maggie ran over in her wet bathing suit and hugged my legs. "Guess what?" she asked, waving a chocolate popsicle at me. "You'll never guess. Aunt Nancy let us have fudgesicles!"

I bent down and kissed the chocolate off her cheeks and she giggled. "I see that." I raised an eyebrow at Nancy over the little girl's shoulder. She just shrugged and smiled. "Is it yummy?"

"Mhm. Wanna bite?"

"Maybe later, sweetheart. Sweetie, do you remember Maureen? It's been a long time since you've see her."

"I remember." She turned to Maureen. "Hi! 'Member me? I'm Maggie."

"Of course I remember you, you've gotten so big!"

"I'm in kindergarten now. Not preschool anymore."

"Wow."

"Maggie May? Where's Mama?"

"She's napping in the hammock."

I looked up and sure enough found Sara passed out in the hammock, swinging lightly in the breeze. "Hmm. I think we'd better let her sleep." I looked at Maureen. "Come say hi to the other girls and meet my sister."

"'Kay, but then I want to meet the babies. Where are they?"

"Probably with my mom. She can't get enough of them. Ever since they've been home from the hospital, she can't leave them alone. Nance, is Mom upstairs with the twins?"

My sister looked up from the pool, nodding, "And Miss Abigail. I don't know what she's doing up there with a ten month-old and two infants. Probably thinks she's died and gone to heaven." She stood up from her deck chair and put her paper down. "You must be Maureen." She held out her hand. "I'm Nancy, Catherine's sister."

"Pleasure to meet you."

We chatted with Nancy for a bit, watching the girls play in the pool. Ayla was her typical shy self even though I was sure she remembered Mo, and Lindsey was a little show off, doing cartwheels into the pool and splashing her sisters. After twenty minutes or so, I could tell that Maureen was getting anxious to meet the babies so we excused ourselves from the pool party and I took her upstairs. I knocked on my bedroom door.

"Mom? You in here?"

It was quiet for a minute and then my mother opened the door a crack. "Shh," she admonished, "Abigail is sleeping."

"Mom, this is Maureen Faye, that I told you about? Can we come in and see the twins?"

"Of course, just keep on your inside voices, okay, girls?" She opened the door wider for us and we stepped in.

I wanted to tell my mother that I was a forty-one year old woman, not a girl, but there really didn't seem to be any point. I wanted to point out to her that they were my children and I could take care of them myself. What was the likelihood she would listen? "Thanks, Mom."

My mother took Maureen's hand and led her over to the bed, "Come meet my newest grandchildren." I leaned on the bed post smiling down at the babies, feeling such pride swell in me. Mom picked up Matthew and handed him over to Mo. "This is Matthew in the froggie outfit. And Miss Elizabeth, here, is in the bumblebees." She held Elizabeth up for us to see.

Maureen smiled down at the baby in her arms. "Oh, Catherine! They're gorgeous! Just look at this little man." She jostled Matthew back and forth, smiling down at him. "Hello, there, big guy!"

I reached out and took Elizabeth from my mother. "I know. Aren't they beautiful?" I kissed my daughter's forehead and then pressed her soft cheek to my own as I cradled her.

"They really are. And I'm not just saying that. Contrary to popular belief, not all babies are cute. Of course your own are always the best." She looked over my shoulder at Elizabeth. "Isn't she a doll? So tiny. And look at those big blue eyes."

"I can't get over it. I mean, I'm always proud of the girls and how great they're turning out, but I'd forgotten this feeling, you know?"

Maureen nodded. "And it's wonderful, isn't it?"

"The best."

"Care to trade?"

I smiled. "Sure. Come here, Matthew."

We played with the babies for half an hour or so before bringing them downstairs; Maureen even changed Elizabeth's diaper for me. We put them in the double stroller and let them sleep outside in the shade while we chatted with mother and Nancy and let the girls run around. About twenty minutes into our conversation, Sara stirred in the hammock. We all fell silent as she sat up. No one was sure what to say. I decided to start.

"Sara? Honey? Look who's here."

She looked around and her eyes landed on Maureen who was getting ready to stand up.

"Heya, Bird. How's it going?"

Sara pursed her lips and looked like she was about to speak, but then she just shook her head and crutched her way toward the house.

"Hon?" I called after her, "dinner is at six thirty, okay? It's pan-fried polenta with kale and feta; I know how much you like when we make that." Sara nodded mutely and continued into the house. When the screen door shut behind her, I turned in my seat and sighed. I got sympathetic smiles all around. "I just don't know how to reach her. I've tried being patient. I've tried screaming at her. I've tried everything."

"Maybe she just needs time." My sister suggested.

I shook my head, "I don't think so. I think time is just making it worse."

"Maybe she needs, you know, professional help." My mother raised an eyebrow."

"Sara would never go see a psychiatrist." I ran a hand through my hair, exhausted of this whole ordeal. "I wish I knew for sure what was going on. I don't know if it's post-partum, or if it has something to do with the shooting."

"It's probably to do with both." Maureen spoke for the first time. "I mean, you said she was pretty much okay the first couple of days, right? And then she started having the dreams, and by the time you got home she was basically non-communicative? And now she won't even hold the twins?"

I nodded.

"Well, it sounds like she got worse as her hormones decreased. But I think she must still be reliving the shooting if the dreams are part of it. Maybe she's blaming herself for everything."

"She's not like that, though."

Mo just raised an eyebrow.

I relented. "Okay, she hasn't been like that in a long time."

"Since you got together."

"Basically. We talked out all the stuff she blamed herself for, like Eddie's case and you know…" I shared a look with Maureen. "Other stuff." Maureen nodded. Mother and Nancy did not know about Sara's childhood, and it was not my place to tell them. "We talked about it all, and I thought she came away from it a lot better off. I thought we were through with that."

I stopped talking as we were interrupted by Ayla running over to us, dripping wet. She looked so cute in her glittery rainbow swimsuit. She wiped her long bangs from her face. We had chopped her beautiful long hair boyishly short right before school had started. Sara had thrown a fit. Apparently Matthew and Warren had always wanted her to have long hair. But she was eight years old; beyond the age where she needed help with her hair every morning and still too young to properly care for it all by herself. So I let her tell the hairdresser how short to go. And I thought she looked adorable.

"Miss Ayla Sara?" I pulled her to sit in my lap and kissed her cheek.

"Mommy!" she giggled and jumped off me. "I'm getting you all wet."

"I don't care. I'm going to change before dinner anyway. Now get back here and give me a hug and a kiss. Mommy's had a long day."

Ayla complied and in the process got me completely soaked. Then she pulled away and looked at me, totally serious. "Would you like to talk about it?"

I heard Maureen, Mother, and Nancy stifle laughter, but I kept a straight face. I knew how Ayla would feel at being laughed at. She full expected to be treated like an adult. And she would know if I was brushing her off. So, I pulled her onto my lap and kissed her again. "Well, you know how Mama has been sad for awhile?"

"You mean depressed?"

"Yeah. She's been depressed since she came home from the hospital. And it hurts me to see her like that."

"Why?"

"Because I love her so much. Just like it hurts me when you or your sisters are in pain. I hate it. Plus, it's a lot of work taking care two little babies all the time. I could really use Mama's help."

"I changed Matthew's diaper yesterday."

"I know you did, and you did a very good job."

"If Lindsey and I change more diapers and help feed the babies too, will that help?"

I smiled. "That would help a lot, babycakes. Thank you."

"No problem. Now, will you judge our diving contest to see who is the best? I've been practicing at swim lessons. Maggie has too, but she isn't very good. But don't tell her I said that."

"I won't. Why don't you let Maggie win every once in a while, though, okay? Just so she feels special."

Ayla sighed, long-suffering. "It's because she's only five, isn't it? Nobody ever let's me win at stuff."

"That's because you're so good that you don't need it. Now, go on. We'll judge from here."

We judged the contest and the girls began a game of Marco Polo. After a refill on everybody's iced teas, adults continued talking. "I didn't realize that the girls were calling you 'Mommy,' Cath." Maureen was saying. "When did that start?"

I thought back, "Umm…July, maybe? Yeah, they just thought of it all on their own. They thought it would be confusing for the babies if they were calling us 'Catherine' and 'Sara' when they were learning to talk, and I have to agree. I don't know why we never thought that far ahead. It was so sweet, Sara and I were bawling when they proposed it to us. But we got used to it pretty fast. Now I catch myself calling Sara 'Mama' all the time."

Nancy smiled. "I took them all out for a day of shopping and they shared their whole plan with me. It was so cute. And now they call me 'Aunt Nancy', and Mom, 'Nana.' It's like they were always here."

I watched my three girls giggling and doing handstands in the water. "Watch me, Mommy! Watch me!" Maggie shrieked, as she climbed onto Lindsey's shoulders and leapt into the deep end. "Wow," I called out. "Mags, that was so good. I'm so proud of you."

Maureen smiled and shook her head. "You know, I've got to admit, when I first met you, I didn't know if you'd have what it takes to take on Sara and two little girls. But now, I see you with them and, I don't know. You're such a family. You work so well together. Maggie even looks like you."

"You know, we get that a lot. From teachers, and parents and complete strangers. No one ever questions that I could be her mother. But I never see it. I guess I just see so much of Sara in her. Her face shape is just like Sara's, her little chin, her lips, her long lashes. Not as much as Ayla, because her hair is so much darker and her eyes are that serene gray. But she laughs like Sara and bites her fingernails like her."

"But she's so much more personable than Sara and Ayla." Put in Nancy.

"And she's not afraid to be different. She's an attention seeker, just like you were at that age." Mom added. "Just like you've always been."

"Let's just hope it doesn't take her down the same road it took me."

Mom shook her head. "It won't. You handle her better than I handled you. You let her express herself. You encourage her. I never did that with you when perhaps I should have." She took a sip of her iced and caught my gaze. "You're doing a great job with her. With all of them. I'm very proud of you."

My breath caught in my throat, I was so moved. "Thank you," I whispered. Glancing at the sun and then at my watch, I stood up, yelling, "Okay, five minute warning. We're gonna get out, get in the shower, get dressed and get ready for dinner, okay? No complaining."

"But Mom…"

I looked at Lindsey. "What did I just say?"

"No complaining." Linds sounded sulky.

"That's right. Now, if we can get showered and dressed with no fighting and in under half an hour, I might consider letting you have dessert."

"Even though we already had fudgesicles?" Maggie asked.

"Even though you had fudgesicles."

"What kind of dessert?" Ayla wanted to know, clearly weighing the pros and cons of the situation.

"Umm…" I pretended to think. "What if we made butterscotch chip cookies and then just ate the-"

"COOKIE DOUGH!!" All three girls chorused suddenly all swimming for the ladder.

Maureen laughed, standing. "Why don't I take care of the little ones while you supervise shower time?"

I smiled gratefully at her. "Thanks." I looked at my towel-clad girls and clapped my hands. "Alright, everybody upstairs. Ayla and Maggie in my shower, Linds in the hall shower. Everybody better be scrubadub-dubbing by the time I get up there. Hurry up! Go! Go! Go!" They all giggled and plowed past us into the house. I turned to Mom and Nancy. "Are you two staying or going?"

They stood up too. "I've got to get going. Mitch and Jeremy are getting back from a baseball game any minute and I promised spaghetti and meatball night. Abby is just getting into solid food; meatballs are a fave."

I looked to my mother as we started walking for the door. She waved a hand. "No offense, but I can't stand that vegetarian crap you make. I'll just call Roberta and see if she's up for a cocktail at the Venetian."

"Mom, you can't just drink your calories."

She raised an eyebrow at me in a depressingly familiar way. "I can do whatever I please, thank you very much."

I sighed. I would not win this one. "Alright then, suit yourself. I'll call you in the morning?"

She brushed cheeks with me on both sides. "Sounds good, dear."

I hugged Nancy and waved to my mother who was halfway down the walk, then I turned back to Maureen. "I'll really just be a minute. It's just, Maggie hasn't quite gotten the hang of washing her hair yet."

She waved a hand. "Been there, done that. Go on. We'll have fun down here."

I smiled gratefully and ran upstairs to fulfill my motherly duties.

That night after dishes had been cleared and little bodies had been dressed in pajamas and tucked into bed, Maureen and I found ourselves back outside, sipping wine and talking in low voices to avoid waking Sara, apparently sleeping inside. We discussed the goings on of San Francisco and who was up to what. But eventually our conversation returned to Sara and what to do. Because something had to be done.

"I'm just so tired of this. I need her here with me and right now it feels like she's off in some other universe."

"I think she is. The question is, how do we get her back to this one?"

I ran a hand through my hair, exhausted. "I don't know. I wish I knew."

"Well then, let's think about it. There has to be an answer. She's depressed, she's not talking, she's not interacting with the kids, and I saw how she was picking at her food tonight."

"I don't see how she let it get this far. I mean, doesn't she get what this is doing to our family?"

"I'm sure she does. It must be that whatever reason she's using to justify her behavior is something really big. What you have to do is make her realize that whatever it is, it's not worth it."

I nodded, thinking. "Maybe if I just sat her down and refused to let her leave until she talks to me."

Mo looked at me like I was off my head. "You want to hold her hostage? Yeah, that'll be really good for her mental health."

I slapped her on the arm, sloshing her wine. "No. Not hold her hostage. Although maybe we should take her crutch so she can't get away…I just want her to understand what she's doing to us. Will you help me out?"

"Hmm. I don't know. Sounds risky. Maybe we should wait until Larry and Tim get here. They might be able snap her out of it some."

"Maybe if we all got together and talked to her."

"You want to stage an intervention?"

"Yeah. I want her to really listen to me and not tune me out like she's been doing. I think if you guys were there it would do the trick."

Mo thought about it for a minute. "Well, I guess this is why I came down here. Sure. Why not?"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Larry and Tim arrived the next day, but this time I could not be liberated to pick them up from the airport. They got to the house just after noon, and I had never been happier to see familiar faces. Mother and Nancy had both been at work all day and Maureen was enjoying the thrills of Las Vegas. The girls were at school, but the twins had been fussy all night and day, and Sara was trying my very last nerve. She wouldn't even pretend to eat breakfast that morning, she ignored the girls' attempts to kiss her goodbye, and she refused to change out of her pajamas so that I could wash them.

I answered the door in ripped jeans and Sara's Red Sox jersey, my unwashed hair up in a messy bun, and a wailing Elizabeth cradled in my arms. I was harried to say the least. "Hush, hush." I instructed my daughter as I opened the door to two smiling faces. I relaxed immediately when I saw them.

"Catherine!" Tim exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Just look at you; fully domesticated, I see. And who is this little bundle of joy?"

At the sound of new voices, Elizabeth had quieted like she hadn't all day. I sighed my relief. When I looked up again, I met with blue eyes behind thick spectacles. "Larry."

His eyes crinkled with mirth. "My dear, Lady Catherine. It's an honor to see you again."

I smiled. "Likewise."

He looked down at Elizabeth. "What do we have here?"

I lifted her up and touched noses. She promptly sneezed. "This is Catherine Elizabeth Sidle-Willows. Elizabeth. But the girls have started calling her Lizzie. Not sure how I feel about it."

"Elizabeth. Will you just look at that hair? Looks like you're going to have your hands full with this one."

"I already do. She woke me up four times last night. And she hasn't let me have a moment's peace all morning. She's got her brother all riled up now too." Realizing my manners, I stepped aside. "Come in! Have you been to your hotel yet?"

"Yes, yes. Lovely room. Now, where's the other newest addition to the bunch? Matthew, is it?"

"Yes. He's upstairs. If one of you will just take her, I'll bring him down."

"Oh, me! That's me!" Tim jumped on the balls of his feet, thrilled.

I handed Elizabeth over and headed upstairs. "Hey, buddy!" I picked him up from the crib and found him wet. "It's time to come meet your Uncle Larry and Uncle Tim!" Changing him, I returned downstairs to find Tim bouncing around the kitchen with Elizabeth. "Where's Larry?"

Tim pulled a face. "He's talking to Sara. I thought I'd give them a moment to chat."

"I doubt there'll be much chatting."

"Is she that bad?"

"I haven't heard her talk at all in about a week. I hear her crying at night in her sleep. But as soon as I come in to check on her, she shuts down."

Tim patted my arm encouragingly. "Don't worry. We'll fix her up. Is this Matthew?"

I nodded, smiling.

"Just look at him! That blonde hair. Oh, he'll be a looker, for sure. A true ladies man, take my word for it."

"You never know, he could always end up a man's lady. That would be just fine with Sara and me."

Tim shook his head. "Not this one. My gaydar is flat as a dead man's pulse."

"He's a month old."

"Trust me, sweetheart. Timothy can always tell these things. What you've got there is a grade A, red-blooded, sports-lovin', chick-magnetizing, heterosexual male. But a good one."

I looked at Matthew, staring up at the ceiling fan going around. "Well, whatever he is, he's just perfect."

"That's the spirit. Where's Maureen?"

"Enjoying the craps tables last time I talk to her. She's coming over as soon as I drop Sara off at physical therapy. Do you think you and Larry could watch them while I'm out? Or do you just want me take them with me?"

Tim waved a hand. "Don't be ridiculous. We'd be glad to look after the little tikes."

By the time I returned from dropping Sara off, Maureen was at the house, and she and Larry and Tim were crooning over the babies. I smiled at them and then bent down to kiss Elizabeth and Matthew. "Hey, sweethearts, Mommy's home." I looked up, "Did they behave?"

"Of course. They were little angels."

"Any upsets?"

"Not a one. Now, let's get down to business; what are we going to do about Sara?"

So we talked. We discussed what we were trying to do and what the best way to go about it was. We passed the babies around as we chatted and I was overcome. I had never had friends like this, who were willing to stick with me through anything. I thought about how lucky Sara was to have had this for most of her adult life, and how lucky I was, to finally be sharing in it.

In the end, we decided that the best thing we could possibly do is talk to Sara, calmly and rationally, and try to make her see how her destructive behavior was affecting us all. The talk would take place as soon as the girls left for school the next day, and Maureen, Larry, and Tim promised to hold my hand the whole time. I was desperately afraid of losing control if Sara didn't snap out of it. And soon.

Kissing the girls and pushing them out the door, the next morning, I wiped my sweating hands on my jeans. I was nervous. Minutes later, Larry and Tim's rental car pulled up with Maureen's only seconds behind. Mo gave me a reassuring smile as she passed me, Larry squeezed my arm gently, and Tim winked jovially.

I took a deep a deep breath and followed them into the house. Sara casually ignored us as I got drinks for everyone and we took up seats in the living room. She had yet to move from the sofa bed to her chair by the window. I didn't want her isolating herself while we were trying to talk to her. It was agreed that I should begin, but I had no idea what to say that I hadn't already said. How could I make her understand?

"Sara? Hon?" I started hesitantly. "We were sort of hoping that we could talk to you."

She looked at me briefly and then hid behind her hair. _Okay._

"Sweetheart?" I tried again, gently. "This is really important, and I really need you to listen to me."

No response.

I could feel my impatience rising. Why didn't she get how important this was? "Sara, you can't-" but I was cut off by a soothing hand on my arm. Mo's.

"Sara?" She asked, her tone much calmer than mine. "Remember the Christmas that you finally broke up with Vicki? For good this time? And I took you home with me and you cried for what seemed like hours. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" Mo waited for Sara to answer, but when she didn't, she continued on. "You told me that if you ever got into a destructive pattern like that ever again that I had to shake you until you snapped out of it. Well, girly-bird, it's right about that time."

Sara shifted in her seat but remained silent.

Tim tried. "Sara," he put his hand on her thigh and then quickly withdrew it when she stiffened. "We want to work with you, honey. Try and find a solution to this thing."

Surprisingly, this drew a reaction from her. She snorted. "There is no solution," she said darkly, still not coming out from behind her curtain of hair.

"Honey, you've got to at least let us try."

"There's no point." This was as talkative as she'd been all week and I was surprised. I think Maureen's words shook her, for whatever reason.

"Don't say that." I was more than a little desperate to get her to open up. "Just talk to me. We can get through this."

"Why are you even talking to me?" She sounded incredulous.

"What?" I asked, taken aback. "What do you…? I just told you. I love you and this needs to end before it turns into something worse. I don't want to lose you."

She sighed and sat back, looking towards the window. "You should." We were all silent for a while after that. I felt so out of my element.

"If I may make a suggestion?" Larry spoke up for the first time. His voice drew Sara's attention and she looked up. Larry looked to me and I nodded. "Well, I just thought that perhaps this would be a bit simpler if we-"

The baby monitor on the table began to emit pathetic, pitiful wails. Everyone looked at me. Everyone except for Sara. Her easy dismissal of me and the cries of her child hurt more than it should have. I stood shakily. "I'd better go see what's up." I looked around our group of friends. "Give me five minutes?" They nodded their assent and I tip-toed from the room and up the stairs.

When I reached the bedroom, I quickly shut the door and leaned against it. I exhaled deeply. Okay. I could handle this. I covered my eyes with my hand and pinched the bridge of my nose. This had to work. I couldn't lose Sara. My heart couldn't take it, but more importantly my family couldn't afford yet another trauma.

I was disrupted from my thoughts by distressed squeaking from across the room.

Looking down into the crib, I had to smile. The twins were beginning to develop their own little personalities and they couldn't be more different. Matthew slept in the fetal position with his arms and legs curled under him, while Elizabeth liked to be on her back, arms and legs stretched wide and open like she was welcoming the world. It was Elizabeth who was crying- it usually was. Matthew cried for food and diaper changes. Elizabeth was clearly a little drama queen, because sometimes she seemed to cry just for the fun of it. Just for the thrill of getting me to climb the stairs one more time. Still. I couldn't just leave her there.

"Oh," I reached into the crib and pulled her into my arms. "Hello, my little angel girl, what's the matter, huh? Do you need some extra special attention? Is that it?" Her eyes were closed, but I could swear she was smirking sheepishly at me. She stopped crying the moment I picked her up. "You little faker! There's nothing wrong with you, is there? I bet you're not even wet. Let's check." But I was wrong; she was wet. And that's not all. I laid her out on the changing table. "Little girl, you're about an hour and a half ahead of schedule in the poopy department. You haven't even eaten since the last time we did this. So tell me, where did all this come from?"

Elizabeth gurgled and flailed her arms excitedly as I wiped her down.

"You don't say!" I finished cleaning her up and strapped her into a new diaper. "Well, that's just amazing!" Just as I settled her on my shoulder, Matthew started to go off. I sighed. I lay Elizabeth in the middle of our bed and turned to lift her brother out of the crib.

"What's up, big guy?" I kissed his head. Checking his diaper, I found him clean. Shifting him into one arm, I scooped his sister up with the other and lay down on the bed with both of them resting on my chest. At a little over a month old, Elizabeth was finally gaining weight and topped in at just over six and a half pounds. Matthew was nearing ten. They both had healthy appetites, but it wasn't time to feed them just yet. I sighed, leaning back against the pillows. "What am I going to do with you two?" Elizabeth grabbed onto the neckline of my shirt and began to suck on it. I smiled sadly and nuzzled the orange peach fuzz on her head. "You're just my little snuggle bunnies, aren't you? You are. My sweetlings. Sweetlings, I'm in way over my head here. I'm lost. And trust me, this Mommy does not like being lost. Your Mama's in trouble. It's like she's disappearing and I can't do anything to stop it. And it makes me ache. Seeing her in so much pain; it's tearing me apart- it's tearing our family apart. It's killing me to see her this way and not be able to do anything to help her. I just wish she would tell me what's wrong. Am I doing something wrong?" I felt the telltale tightening in the back of my throat just seconds before my eyes began to fill.

As tears of frustration, anger, and despair trickled down my cheeks, I let one quiet coughing sob escape me. "She's the love of my life, your Mama. Did you know that? I waited forty years to find her and now she's just slipping away. I can't let that happen." Gently, I lay them one at a time onto the coverlet and leaned over them, my head propped on my elbow. As I traced tickling lines over their tummies, my tears dried and my impatience and anger began to show through. "Does she have any idea what she's doing to this family? We've worked so hard to put it together only to have her tear it apart with no explanation as to why. Your Auntie Mo says she must have a good reason, but I can't think of anything that could justify her behavior. If you love somebody enough, you don't let anything get in the way of that. I know she loves your sisters. I know she loves you." My melancholy returned. "It must be me, then. Her love for me just isn't enough to overcome this… whatever this is. I'm not enough." I sniffed conspicuously. The twins had fallen back to sleep. Elizabeth's tiny hand was pressed into her brother's chest. "Time for a nap, I guess. I had better get back anyway. Thanks for listening, my angels." I carefully put them back in their crib and quietly left the room.

Coming down the stairs, the living room was strangely silent. As I entered, bowed heads came up to look at me. Everyone wore matching somber expressions. I furrowed my brow. "What?" I caught Maureen's eyes. She looked down and I followed her gaze. "Shit." I shut my eyes in attempt to ward off an anxiety attack. There, clutched between Sara's trembling hands was the baby monitor. And there were streams of tears running down her cheeks. She couldn't look at me.

Larry spoke first. "I think Timothy and I might go out onto the patio to finish our drinks."

"Why don't I join you?" Mo suggested.

Larry nodded and in a matter of a minute, the room was empty save Sara and myself. I stood from my place leaning in the doorway. "Sar?" I asked tentatively. When she didn't respond, I moved closer and sat on the edge of the pull out.

We sat that way for several minutes, until Sara finally spoke in a hoarse voice. "I never meant to…" She looked up at me with sad eyes. "You've always been enough, Cath. I never wanted for you to doubt my love for you." She looked away again. "But I don't know how to do this."

I slid closer and cautiously covered one of her hands with mine. "Do what?"

Sara dropped her head and her curtain of hair fell across her face. "If I had never presented the evidence at Ray Ruiz's trial, this never would have happened."

I blinked, stunned. "You blame yourself for what happened?"

"You don't?"

"Of course not. That was no one's fault except the perps'. C'mon, Sar. How many times do we have do this with victims and their families? You had no control over that situation. It was in no way your fault."

"But the girls could have died, Greg was shot, Elizabeth was born sick. We almost lost her."

"Yeah, we did. But not because of anything you did or didn't do. And she's fine now. If you would spend any time with her, you would know that."

Sara flushed guiltily. "It's not that I don't want to, Cat. It's just that every time I see them, it reminds me of how close we came to losing them. I feel like I don't deserve them. Or any of you."

"Well, I think that's a load of bullshit. And whether you deserve them or not, you have them. And they aren't going anywhere. But Sara, you do deserve them, and lord knows you deserve better than me. But I'm never going anywhere either."

Sara looked up, startled. "Cath…there's no one better for me than you."

"Then why are you avoiding me? Why don't you talk to me?"

"I…" She shook her head. "I've been having these dreams. First I hear the shot. But it's not me that's been hit. It's you. I keep seeing your expression as you fall. Sometimes he just kills you, sometimes he drags the girls out and I'm forced to watch them fall. One by one. Other times, I see it exactly how it happened. Except Greg isn't there to save me. He shoots my stomach, and as I lay there, I can feel their little lives just slipping away." She looked up at me, glassy-eyed. "And every time I wake up I wonder what the hell I'm still doing here. When you come down the stairs every morning? I wonder how you can even look at me. What I did put our whole family in danger. How can you not hate me?"

I shook my head. "Sara, our jobs put us in harm's way everyday. We both know the risks. So unless you were secretly in cahoots with Ruiz, plotting or something, there is no way that you're to blame. For any of it."

Her eyes shone with uncertainty and unshed tears. "Yeah?"

I rubbed her hand softly. "Yeah." I quirked an eyebrow and changed my tone. "What you are responsible for, however, is your behavior. The way you've treated me and your children over the last three weeks…Sar, do you have any idea how much you scared me? I was going out of my mind. Not only is what you did extremely hurtful, it's just fucking unacceptable."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"We don't have the luxury of being able to lose our heads, Sara. I've ached for you, but I've also wanted to kill you. I can't raise two infants on my own, period. I can't run this household all by myself. We were a team. Without you, this life that we've built just doesn't work."

"What do you want me to say?"

"That you'll stop. Say you'll stop. Say you'll start acting like the woman I fell in love with. I know the dreams aren't going to magically disappear, and on a lot of levels you are going to feel guilty for a long time. I can't help those things. But you can. By making an effort to move on. The shooting was terrible. Nobody knows that better than me. But it's over. It's over. We've both survived worse. You're going to get passed this. Even if you have to fake it for a little while, will you please just come back to me? I've really missed you."

"I've missed you, too." Her grip tightened around my fingers and she sighed, nodding. "Okay. But you've got to be patient, Cath. I can't just spring back overnight."

"I know that. But as long as you're willing to try, I'm willing to pick up the slack."

"Alright. Where do we begin?"

"You could start by kissing your wife."

Sara pulled back. "Cat, I should warn you that I haven't brushed my teeth yet."

"Do I look like I give a damn? I haven't had so much as a peck in nearly a month. Now, get over here and kiss me!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Sara saluted me, grinning. There was a light in her eyes that had been missing for a while.

Several minutes later found us resting our foreheads together and breathing deeply. I gently nuzzled my nose against hers, kissed the corner where her lips met, and then sucked her lower lip into my mouth. "Mmm." Releasing her, I whispered in her ear, "I love you."

Gingerly, she wrapped both arms around me. In that moment, the baby monitor between us let us know that there a little girl upstairs that was desperately in need of attention. Seconds later, a second cry joined the first.

I glanced at the clock then smiled at Sara. "Lunchtime. You up for it? I can't feed them both at once and it's so sad to have to listen to one cry as you feed the other."

Sara hesitated before nodding. "Sure. You want me to go heat up bottles? And you can bring them downstairs?"

"Sounds like a plan." I kissed her one more time. "Thank you for talking to me, for trusting me."

"Thank you for pushing me, and for guiding me out of my mental haze. I know where I would be without you, and I never want to be there again."

I stood and helped her up. "C'mon. We've got the rest of our lives for all that mushy stuff. Right now, I just want to watch my wife feed our child. I can't imagine anything more beautiful than that."

Sara's eyes sparkled as she pulled me flush against her. She bent to whisper sensually in my ear. "Neither can I." Her kiss this time was filled with unrestrained passion. "Neither can I."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Now wait a minute, hear me out…you have every right to be angry with me for taking so long to update. But would failing to review really make you feel better? I didn't think so. Readers, lovelies, there is no need to retaliate with nasty or nonexistent feedback. **

**I'm sure you remember how this works. The more reviews, the faster the update. It hasn't changed. You should also take into account that this is a nearly thirty page update. That takes some serious work on my part. Alright? Alright. Go forth and review! **


	38. Love, Love, LOVE!

A/N: Oh, my gosh, how wonderful are all of you

**A/N: Oh, my gosh, how wonderful are all of you? Fantastic. **_**Record**_** number of reviews! I felt so special. You missed me. You really did. BIG BLUSH Aww, shucks, you guys. 38 reviews! A totally new record! Thank you, thank you, thank you.**

**And so many new reviewers! There are so many of you that I'd take up a whole page of this update just listing all of you. Ha! Makes me happy. On the other hand, some of my regulars were missing. Makes me sad.**

**Did you notice how fast this update came compared to the last one? You did that. You inspired me with all of your kind words and thoughtful ideas. I'm back in the game!**

**This chapter is primarily fluffy with a bit of drama thrown in. I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out even though I went in a completely different direction from the one I started in.**

**I start up at uni/college this week. No word yet on how that will affect the updates. On the one hand, I may be majorly busy. You know, classes, homework…crazy kinky sex with hot assistant professors. On the other hand, I am the world's best procrastinator and, all sexy professors aside, this is my best outlet when I'm running away from papers and reading and shit. We'll just have to see, won't we? **

**Thanks again for the reviews! You're wonderful. I'd thank a few people personally, but this A/N is already ridiculously long. You know who you are anyway. Okay, enough chatter! Ready, set, go!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It took a while for Sara to find her feet. Her first order of business was to apologize to the girls when they returned home from school that day. She was nervous, and I'll admit, she had reason to be. It went over with mixed results.

"Why were you depressed?" Maggie wanted to know halfway through Sara's explanation.

"I…uhh…well…" She looked to me pleadingly. I patted her knee and gladly stepped in to help. If she couldn't stand to talk about it around adults, it stood to reason that she would have an even harder time discussing her emotions with her daughters.

I pulled Maggie into my lap. "Mags, you remember how sad and scared you were when Mama got hurt?"

"Yuh-huh."

"Well, Mama was really scared too, accept she couldn't talk to anybody about it. She had bad dreams."

"I have bad dreams too."

"I know you do. But for Mama it was different. She started to think it was her fault that we were all in danger and that she and baby Elizabeth got hurt."

Maggie looked to Sara. "That's silly."

Sara smiled sadly. "It seems silly now, but at the time, it felt very serious."

"Do you still think it's your fault?" Ayla asked from her place on Sara's right side.

Sara hesitated. It's that point you reach when you don't want to lie to your child but you're afraid to tell them the truth. "Umm…a little, I guess. I think I'll always blame myself a little for it. But Mom helped me a lot and, for the most part, I feel a lot better."

"That's good."

"It is."

"I'm glad you're talking again, Mama."

I looked towards Linds who had been oddly silent throughout the conversation. "Baby?" She stood facing all of us on the couch, her arms crossed over her chest. "What's wrong?"

She scowled and rocked back and forth on her heels. She spoke quietly to Sara. "Why didn't you talk to us? Everybody was upset about the shooting, but nobody else stopped talking or eating or playing with the babies."

Sara frowned worriedly. She tried to touch Lindsey's arm, but Linds stepped out of reach. "Are you upset with me?"

"Yes!" Linds said bluntly.

"Linds…" I warned, but she just plowed on, ignoring me completely.

"Parents aren't supposed to be like that, Sara."

I blinked, surprised. Lindsey hadn't called Sara by her name in months. Where had Mama gone?

Lindsey continued. "Parents are supposed to love their kids. They are supposed hug them and play with them. They are at least supposed to talk to them! You didn't do any of that. You just stopped." Her lower lip quivered. "That's not fair!"

Sara's eyes were glistening. "I've always loved you, Linds. And I know it's not fair, sweetie. I'm very sorry. Very, very sorry."

Lindsey shook her head and looked at the floor. Softly, she whispered, "I'm not sure I want you to be my mother anymore."

Sara gasped audibly, her expression was one of horror.

Linds looked at me. "I'll be in my room. I don't want any dinner." With that, she disappeared upstairs.

Sara covered her mouth with her hand as tears poured over her cheeks and her shoulders heaved with silent sobs.

I moved closer to her and lightly ran my fingers through her hair. "It's okay sweetie, she's just still upset, that's all. She'll come around. She didn't mean it."

Sara turned to me, her eyes full of pain. "What if she did? What if I ruined everything?"

"You didn't. But she has lost her trust in you. You were always the one she turned to for help, and you lost that. You'll have to regain her trust. I'll go talk to her now and see if I can't get her to calm down a little." Sara just buried her head in her hands and continued to cry. I kissed her head and rubbed her thigh supportively. Moving Maggie off my lap, I stood up. "Girls, can you take care of Mama for a second? I'll be right back." Making my way upstairs, I whispered harshly at my daughter's door. "Lindsey Willows, you open this door right this instant."

"It's not locked," came the reply.

I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. Linds was snuggled up under her covers, and it was obvious that she'd been crying. I rubbed her back the way I used to when she was still a little girl. "Baby, what's going on with you?"

She sniffed. "I'm mad at her, Mom."

"I understand that, honey, but why'd you have to say what you said?"

"It's the truth."

"It is not, you love her."

"No, I don't. I hate her."

"You do not, she's your mother."

Lindsey turned over and looked at me like was crazy. "No, she's not. You're my mother. _She_ is just your girlfriend who I pretended was my mother because I thought it would make you both happy."

"Now, I know that's not true. Sara looks you as her daughter- she's never seen you in any other way. Do you have any idea how much your words hurt her? She is sitting downstairs, crying he eyes out because of you."

"I don't care. She hurt my feelings when she stopped talking to me."

"For God's sake, Lindsey. She made a mistake- a mistake she only made because she thought she was protecting you."

"Parents don't do that! Mothers don't do that!"

"Everyone makes mistakes, Linds. I've certainly made mistakes as a parent. Your father- do we need to discuss how many times he messed up? Abandoned you, yelled at you, didn't show up, showed up drunk, forgot your birthday? And you always forgave him. Sara makes one mistake and you're ready to freeze her out? How fair is that? What she did was not fair, you're right. I know she hurt you. But that does not give you the right to hurt her back."

I could feel her trembling beneath my hand. Coughing back sobs as the tears flowed, she wailed, "But she left me all alone! She was worse than Daddy! Daddy never stopped talking to me! He never ignored me! He hugged me! He told me he loved me! He called me his little princess! You can't do any of those things if you're not talking to somebody, Mom!"

I pulled her into my arms and she sobbed into my shoulder. "Shh. It's okay, I've got you." When she had calmed down and her tears had slowed to a trickle, I kissed her cheek. "Sara loves you, Lindsey. With all of her heart. And she would never, _never_ hurt you on purpose. When she didn't talk to you, it wasn't because she didn't want to. It wasn't because she stopped loving you. It was because she couldn't. She couldn't talk to anybody. She was so depressed that she couldn't see anybody else. But it's over now. She's very, very sorry, and she wants to make up for hurting you."

Muffled in my shirt, Lindsey asked squeakily, "What if it happens again?"

"Well, you and me and your sisters have to work hard to make sure that never happens. By reminding her everyday how much we love her and need her around. Do you think you could do that?"

Lindsey nodded.

"Do you also think that you can apologize for what you said?"

"I didn't mean to make her feel bad. Not really."

"I know that, and I think she knows that. But I think it would really help if you told you were sorry, okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright."

We went downstairs to find Maggie asleep with her head in Sara's lap. Ayla was next to them, reading quietly, and Sara was staring off into the middle distance, her tears dry on her cheeks. Lindsey apologized. Sara accepted. But there was no great show of emotion, no make up hugs or kisses. The only consolation was that as Lindsey retreated to her room once more, her parting words were, "Goodnight, Mom. Goodnight, Mama." Sara exhaled deeply, relieved.

It would take them several weeks afterward to resume their previous relationship, but time heals all things and this was no exception.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Sara was working hard on her road to recovery both physically and mentally. For her shoulder and leg, she had physical therapy three times a week for three months. For her mental health, she had only her friends and family. To make up for lost time, I suppose, she became determined to get involved with the twins' care. As time passed and her body healed, she could help more and more. And she loved it. She loved getting to know them as much as I did. Yeah, it was work. I won't pretend there weren't times when I wanted to pull my hair out. But most of the time it was wildly fun. Watching them grow and learn to smile and laugh, it was something the whole family enjoyed doing.

Taking care of our children had always been our number one priority, but now it really became the center around which our lives revolved. Work just took a place on the back burner. When our leave time was up, we began to cash in our vacation and sick days. We had plenty built up. But eventually they would run out, and we would have some decisions to make.

"Okay, for 'bottle' it says to pretend to grip a bottle and then place it on your palm." I watched over the counter as Sara demonstrated the motion while rifling through the pages of a thick paperback book. "And for 'no', you're supposed to snap your index and middle fingers closed together with your thumb." Again, she mimicked the instructions. She looked up at me. "Do you think this would be easier with the DVD? I saw one on eBay for like five bucks."

I rolled my eyes. "I think that trying to teach a four month-old baby sign language is a total waste of time."

From her place, cross-legged on the floor, Sara shook her head. "In this book they show two month-olds communicating their needs perfectly using infant signing."

"I don't think the twins have any problem communicating their needs." As if to agree with me, Lizzie looked up at me from her bouncy chair and squeaked loudly, throwing her arms out to the sides. "You see?" I checked my watch. "It's ten thirty-eight. She knows it's time for her mid-morning bottle. By eleven fifteen she'll be whining for a nap."

"But," Sara pointed a finger at me, "what if, instead of whining, she could actually use her hands to sign for a bottle?"

"Then…I would get her a bottle just like I would if she was whining for it." I smiled indulgently and threw a dish towel over her head.

Pulling it off, she caught me with a glare. "Baby sign language has been proven to encourage and augment both cognitive skills and speech. Babies who have been taught sign language grow up to be more stable, confident children."

"Have you met our kids? You really want Mattie and Lizzie to be more confident than their sisters? None of them learned sign language. If they were any more confident we'd be out of job."

"That reminds me, did you hear Ayla's teacher's message about putting her into sixth grade English? I saved it on the answering machine."

"Yeah, I heard it. Man, Lindsey's going to throw a fit."

"I know, but what are we supposed to do? In her free time she's going through the complete works of Ernest Hemingway. I mean, what other eight year-old knows the word 'misogynistic'?"

I smirked. "What other mother let's their eight-year old watch documentaries on the oppression of women in the nineteenth century?"

Sara raised a hand defensively. "Hey, that was a really cool special. They had interviews with the daughters of some of the original suffragettes. And that whole subsection on Sojourner Truth was fascinating. She loved it."

"My point is that maybe she's ahead of her class because we encourage her to the full extent of her abilities. As for the class, I say we leave it up to her. She turned down private school- I think she just wants to be a normal kid. There's nothing wrong with that in my book."

"I don't know. Maybe we should push her a little. I know it's hard to stand out academically, but if she's not working up to her full potential, she's doing an injustice to herself."

"On the other hand, our almost twelve year-old already has a major issue with the fact that her almost nine year-old sister is getting tutored in pre-calc and biology. What are we going to tell her about this? We can only get by with the excuse that they are both special in their own ways for so long."

"But it's true! Ayla can't do soccer or ballet. She's way behind Linds socially. And she's supremely less in touch with popular culture, not to mention reality in general."

I turned from putting two bottles on the stove. "Yeah, but when her sister is watching Lizzie Maguire or dancing to Christina Aguilera, she's off somewhere making scaled models of the Horse Head Nebula, or whatever, out of toothpicks. Shit, Sara, _I_ can't even keep up with her half the time."

Sara began playing with Mattie's toes. She sighed. "I know. I get that it's hard. It's hard for both of them. The last thing Ayla wants to do is upset Lindsey; she worships her. But maybe you're right, we should leave it up to her. I never want to be one of those parents who thinks they're always doing the best for their kid by choosing their life for them. I hate that." She set both bouncy chairs bouncing and I could tell by the twins wide smiles that she was making faces at them. _Aww. How precious is that?_

"My mother is coming over in an hour to watch them. I thought we'd go out to lunch or something."

Sara turned and her eyes sparkled. "Like a date?"

I grinned saucily back. "Something like that."

"No children, no babies, no men hounding us about when we're coming back to work? Whatever shall we do with ourselves?"

"I was thinking picnic in the botanical gardens. If that's not too corny for you."

"Can we sneak off and make out behind a strategically placed fichus plant?"

"You have to ask?"

"When was the last time we made out, like really?"

I raised my eyebrows. "The hammock on Monday night doesn't count for you? I don't think I've ever seen you come that fast before."

She blushed. "Yeah, well. It had been a few weeks and I hadn't had any time to handle the problem myself. Besides, you are so sexy when you're biting your lip, trying and failing to stay quiet. I was defenseless."

"Biting my lip? I'll have to remember that one. So, should I pack a lunch?" I

turned off the stove and grabbed the bottles with the tongs.

"Mmm. Err…no. I mean I'll do it. Let's feed them and then you relax, watch TV or something. I'll even put them down."

I kissed the top of her head before sitting beside her. "Aren't you the sweet one? But if you'll make lunch, then that gives me time to get in a load of laundry. I'm way behind." Shaking one bottle I handed it over.

Sara glanced at me and frowned quizzically. "Cath, are you wearing an…an _apron?"_

I looked down at the sky blue apron. It had a pattern of bright red cherries on it and little pockets with red ribbon at the seams. "Mhm. Present from Nancy. At first I thought it was a gag gift, but apparently she has the same one in white."

Sara looked like she was trying hard not to laugh as she lifted Mattie from his chair and into her lap.

"Hey, it's useful, okay?"

She grinned good naturedly. "Can I get a picture?"

"Absolutely not."

"Just to show the boys? And maybe Larry and Tim?"

"No freaking way." I looked down at Lizzie in my arms. "Hello, beautiful! Hello, sunshine! Who's a good girl? That's it, open up. Oh, yum!"

"Yum? Don't you think she's more likely to be thinking, 'Oh, man? Milk _again?_ Where's the Jose Cuervo? How I long for a margarita!"

I cackled and nearly dropped the bottle. "Is that what you're thinking, Miss Catherine Elizabeth?" I got no response. Bright blue eyes began to droop. "Mmm, I think somebody's sleepy."

"Not this guy, he's wide awake. He's just staring at me, Cath. Hey, little man. How's it going?"

Lizzie stopped drinking to yawn. "Okay, love bug. Just have a little more, and then it's off to bed."

We were quiet for a minute. When I looked up again, I found Sara staring at me. "Hmm?"

She shook her head. "You're just beautiful, that's all. Sometimes, I have these moments when it really hits me, what amazingly beautiful person you are."

I beamed. "Glad it's not one-sided then." I leaned toward her and she met my lips halfway. I hummed into our kiss. "You think we'll ever get tired of kissing each other?" I asked as we pulled away.

"God, I hope not. How are we supposed to embarrass Lindsey, then?"

"Oh, we'd think of something. But I don't think it's likely to happen. We're just a couple months shy of our second anniversary? And I still can't get out of bed without my good morning kiss."

"The kiss is your favorite part of our morning ritual? For me, it's the grope I score as you're coming out of the shower."

I laughed. "I'll always love your honesty."

"I'll always love you."

I rolled my eyes. "Laying it on pretty thick there, Sidle."

She smirked and something dark flashed in her eyes. "Okay, new plan. How's about we put the twins down, you forget the laundry, I forget the lunch, and we fool around upstairs until your mother gets here?"

"Hmm. Tempting. Very tempting. But what will we eat at the gardens?"

"We'll pick up some sandwiches on the way."

"Problem solved." I immediately looked down at Lizzie. "Time for bed, baby girl."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Sara and I did of course run out of sick days and vacation days. Two weeks short of the twins' half birthday. It was either go in or get taken off the payroll. And while it was tempting to do the latter, I think a big part of both of us was and always would be defined by the job. We missed it, and we were ready to get back in the field. So, tucking our girls into bed, and kissing our babies goodnight, we headed off to work. I was a nervous wreck.

"Catherine?"

I stopped tapping my pen against my coffee mug to look across the break room. "Yeah, Nick?"

"You okay?"

"Hmm? Sure. Why?"

He shook his head. "No reason. You just seem a bit…tense."

I glanced at my watch and sighed. I ran a hand through my hair. "Yeah, it's just…this is the first time we've left Mattie and Lizzie for more than a couple hours. I trust my mother, of course, but I still feel anxious."

"Why don't you give them a call?"

"I did. Twice. My mother may kill me if I call again."

"What about talking to Sara?"

"She's out in the field. Besides, I'm sure she's going through the exact same thing."

"I'm sure they're fine, Cath. Want to, maybe, take your mind off it for a while? Help me with a re-creation?"

I checked my watch again. Six more hours to go. "Yeah, sounds great."

A few hours later, I was in my office when I heard a knock on my door. "Come in." I took off my reading glasses in time to see Sara shut the door behind her. I smiled. "Hey, sexy. What's cookin'?"

Sara sighed as collapsed on my couch. "My brain."

"Tough case?"

"Not really, just a lot of shit to process. About twenty-five separate sets of prints to sort through. And Grissom had this annoying little intern doing our crime scene photos. He took pictures of _everything._ I don't know what's the important stuff and what just a normal kitchen tile. I could kill that kid. And on top of that, your mother yelled at me."

"For what?"

"For calling the house so many times when she's trying to sleep."

I smirked. "She's probably ready to strangle both of us."

"I was thinking that on my break, I'd run home and check on everyone. You want to tag along?"

"I think if we're going to do this, we're going to need to make a clean break of it. Mom has taken care of everybody before. There's nothing to worry about. I'm sure that they are all safe and sound." I smiled. "At least, that's what I have to keep telling myself."

"Hmm. What are you working on?"

"Nick brought me in on his case. Weirdest blood spatter at the scene. On the ceiling."

"Oh?"

"Spiral patterns. I'm thinking blender, electric juicer…but we've tried every one we can get our hands on and nothing seems to match quite right."

"Hey, you got a minute?"

"What for?"

She opened her arms from her prone position on the sofa. "Snuggle? If I'm not getting baby hugs on my break, then I could use a fix of Catherine love."

I grinned. Standing and stepping out of my shoes, I approached her. We lay together for several minutes. "Sar?"

"Hmm?"

"How's your shoulder been feeling these days?"

"Great. It aches a bit if I do too much heavy lifting, but otherwise it's fine."

"How about your leg?"

"Even better. It hasn't bothered me in weeks. Why?"

"Well, I was just thinking. You're fully recovered and the twins are at that adorable stage between infant and toddler. The girls are happy. My mother doesn't hate us anymore. I mean, everything has just sort of fallen into place, so if you still want to, maybe it would be a good time to start planning the wedding."

"What wedding?"

I turned to face her, incredulous. "What wedding? Are you kidding me?"

She burst out laughing. "You should have seen the look on your face. Absolutely priceless."

I kicked her in the shin, none too softly.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"For being an ass! How could you do that to me?"

"Oh, baby, come on. It was just a joke. Of course, I knew you meant our wedding."

"What wedding? You really think I'm going to marry someone who can't take me seriously?"

She moved closer to me and before I could stop her, she nuzzled my neck. "Yep. Somebody has to be able to laugh at you, you take yourself much too seriously. And let's face it. You're just hopelessly in love with me."

I smiled. "Well, you do have that going for ya. Alright. I'll marry you. You still in?"

"What kind of question is that? Am I still in? Cat, it's a wedding not a poker game. And yes, of course, _I'm still in._ I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want everybody in the world to know it."

"See? You go and say things like that and you make it impossible for me to stay mad at you."

"Crafty, ain't it? So a wedding." She giggled.

"Did you just _giggle_, Sidle?"

"Mmm." She stroked my hair out of my face and kissed me chastely. "There have been a lot of times in my life when I thought I would never get married, either because I didn't believe in it or felt I didn't deserve it." She clamped a hand over my mouth before I even had a chance to open it. "I know now that I deserve it. And I believe in it. I believe in a marriage with you."

"So, it looks like we need a date."

"As soon as possible."

"And a cake."

"Know just the place."

"And someone to oversee the vows."

"Can she be flown in from California?"

"And we need a list of invitees."

"Not to mention flowers."

"We have no shortage of flower girls."

"Where's it going to be?"

"Where are we going to get dresses?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. _Dresses?"_

"You want to get married in jeans and t-shirt?"

"Is that an option?"

I quirked an eyebrow meaningfully.

"What about a pantsuit?"

"You want to treat our wedding like a day at the office?"

"No. I'm talking tailored, classy, silk under blouse? I promise something very elegant."

"Whatever. _I_ am having a wedding dress."

"Good, go for it."

"An expensive one."

"Knock yourself out."

"This is going to be the wedding I never had and always deserved and dreamed about."

"As long as there are no swans, ducklings, or any water fowl of any kind. Don't ask. Oh, and I also, in advance, prohibit bagpipes and Celtic dancing."

"Fine, I prohibit nudity and polka bands."

"None of that business with ripping off the garters."

"No Native American chanting."

"This wedding will be in the day time."

"Somewhere green. And with under a hundred guests."

"Ecklie is not invited."

I smiled. "Deal."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Oh, look at this one, it's gorgeous."

Nancy turned the twins' double stroller and took a seat on the beige leather sofa in the waiting room. "No offense, Cath, but your back isn't really your greatest feature."

"What? Why not?" I stepped away from the photograph I'd been eyeing on the peach, sponge-painted wall.

"It's just not. You're all freckly. Your shoulder blades and spine stick out."

"Hey!"

"All I'm saying is that perhaps backless is not the way you want to go. But, wait and talk to the designer, don't take my word for it."

"Ga!" I looked down to see Miss Lizzie smiling up at me.

Bending down with my hands on my knees, I returned the expression, my eyes wide and my mouth open. "Hello, beautiful! Who's Mommy's little girl?"

"Aba ada gda!" She agreed with me emphatically, excitedly waving her arms. While Lizzie did her best to be adorable, her brother lay passed out, pacifier in his mouth.

"Hey, Cathy?"

"Hmm?"

"Does the designer we're meeting with know you're marrying a _woman_?"

I stood, frowning. "Yes. She's a friend of Tim and Larry's. I spoke to her personally. Why?"

"No reason. Just thought that might be an awkward conversation to try and avoid."

"Uh-huh." I returned to looking at the photos up on the wall. I didn't feel like tackling Nancy's ignorance and insensitivity today. Today, like so many days to come, was about me. I wasn't going to let her ruin it for me. I had brought her along because she was my sister and this was supposed to be fun.

Just as I was about move over to inspect the window display, a woman came from behind the curtained doorway on the far wall. She was in her mid forties, with wildly long deep red hair and a loose eggplant toned blouse. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I'm designing a dress for the most impossible woman. Calls me everyday wanting to change something and I can never get her off the damn phone." She held out her arms, "Catherine, right?" She wrapped me in a tight hug which I returned. "Joni Burr. It's so nice to finally meet you. Lawrence speaks so highly of you- says you are just the greatest."

I smiled. I liked this woman. She gave off a positive, confident, yet unimposing energy. "Well, you come highly recommended, too. Larry says you're the best."

She waved a hand, "What does that old codger know about it? But I certainly hope I can help you out." There was a squeal from behind me and Joni peered over my shoulder. A wide smile crossed her faced and she moved around me. "Oh, and who are these adorable creatures?"

I beamed proudly as I made my way over to her. "These are the twins. Elizabeth and Matthew, or as I like to call them, my firecracker and my angel boy."

Joni bent low to make faces at a very alert and rambunctious Lizzie. "Hello, munchkin! You are a firecracker, aren't you?"

Lizzie bean was delighted with the welcome attention and chattered away at the designer.

"Oh, they are just adorable! How old?"

"Six months this Thursday."

"Fabulous."

Introductions were made between Joni and my sister, and then we were brought back to an office littered with fabric swatches and crumpled sketches. Just as we sat down, Mattie decided to wake up and demand to be fed.

"Excuse me, one moment?"

"Oh, you can feed him here, darling, it doesn't bother me."

"Thank you." I reached in the back of the stroller and hoisted out the diaper bag. Pulling out a bottle, I also grabbed a teething toy to distract Lizzie. She had a tendency to get jealous of her brother. Taking a seat with Mattie in my arms, I quickly calmed him down with the bottle and turned my attention back to Joni.

"Now, Catherine. As you must know, you have fantastic lines and your bone structure is all but flawless. I could suggest any number of designs for you- you're a dressmaker's dream. What I need to know is what you want in a dress."

"Okay. Well, I want something simple. Elegant. Stylish. Nothing too frilly or lacy- absolutely nothing with a bow on it. Long. Trailing is okay, but I don't want to go overboard. I'll let you be creative with the neckline; I submit to your expertise on that one. Nothing overly revealing, but still something unbelievably sexy. I know there's a fine line between hot and trashy, but I want Sara's eyes to fall out of her head when she sees me. That's about it, I think. Oh, and I don't want shock white. Maybe cream, or even add a little color if you think it's a good idea. Other than that, it's really up to you."

"Well, you're easy to please! Should we discuss material? Then I can draw up some sketches and we can meet up again in a few weeks. When is the big day, may I ask?"

"June sixteenth, provided we can book the park for the date."

"My, my, my. That is soon. That's what? Three months out?"

"Yep. We wanted to get married next month, but nobody would work for a wedding that's that soon. It's the soonest we could manage."

"Eager, are we? Well, alright then, we'll just have to make the calendar work for us."

So the dress went off without a hitch. But the dress was only the beginning. There was the music, the flowers, the flowers girl dresses, invitations, transportation, rehearsal dinner planning, seating arrangements, reception arrangements, hiding the event from Ecklie…and on top of that, Sara just had to go and make it even more difficult.

"Where's the peeler?" she asked, hefting a cucumber.

"Dishwasher. It's clean."

"How thin you want this sliced?"

"I really could care less."

"You know babe, I was thinkin'…"

"Hmm?"

"I think it would be really nice if we wrote our own vows."

I dropped my chopping knife on the counter. "What?"

"I said, I think we should-"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard what you said. Why'd you say it?"

Sara's eyes shifted from side to side. "Because I thought it would be nice…"

"We have so much to do and you want to take time out of our schedule to write our own vows? Sara! We have five kids, we work full time, and we're planning a wedding. Don't you think the stress is running a little high as it is?"

She sighed. "Look, I know it's just one more thing you have to worry about. But I've been going through all the variations of the vows online, trying to find one that fits, and none of them come even close to doing justice to the way I feel about you." She put down her peeler, came up behind me to encircle my waist with her arms. She kissed my neck and I set down my knife again so that I could lean back into her.

"Mmm." I hummed contentedly.

"I just want everything to be perfect. I want you to get your dream wedding, and I want everyone to know how never-ending my love is for you."

I turned my face upwards and kissed her on the mouth. "Damn." I smiled. "When you make it sound all romantic like that, how am I supposed to say no?"

"You're not. I am irresistible."

I turned in her arms and drew mine up around her neck. "Tell me you love me," I whispered, my lips just a breath away from hers.

She met me stare for stare. Her face was deadly serious. "I love you." She kissed me. "I'll always love you." Another kiss. "Your love is the first thing I think about when I wake up each morning." Kiss. "And the last thought in my head as I drift off to sleep with your hand on my chest and your head on my shoulder."

I grinned. "What about when you're getting up at three a.m. to feed Lizzie?"

"Every time I hold her or her brother, I am reminded of what a beautiful person you are and what an unbelievable gift you've given me. And I love you even more."

"What about-" I was silenced by lips crashing upon mine.

She smiled into my mouth, "Don't push your luck, babe."

I rubbed my nose against hers before kissing her passionately once more. Her hands came up to cradle my face, and a moan moved from her mouth to mine. Of their own accord, my hands slipped under her shirt, moving higher as our kiss intensified.

"Ah." Sara jumped a bit as pinched one of her nipples through her bra. "Little minx," she laughed, and moved her hands down to squeeze my behind aggressively. I squealed against her lips before slipping my tongue past their soft barrier.

"I thought you guys were making dinner." Sara and I sprung apart as Lindsey entered the kitchen.

I coughed. "We are. See? The salad's almost done."

"Yeah, right. Mom, I saw what you were doing with your hands. They were nowhere near the salad." She looked narrow-eyed at Sara and shook her finger. "Same goes for you, missy. I hope you wash your hands. I do not want Mom's butt cooties all over my cucumber and tomatoes." She looked at me. "I had to change Lizzie's diaper. You owe me a dollar." With that, she spun around and disappeared.

Thoroughly chastised, Sara and I resumed our posts at the counter top. As I chopped the tomatoes, I shook my head. "Is it just me or is that girl getting sassier every day?"

"It's definitely not your imagination. I think seventh grade has morphed her into a full fledged preteen."

"Great. That's just what we need. Two in diapers and a hormonal teenager."

"Just think. In seven years we'll have three hormonal teenagers and two second graders."

"You really know how to cheer a girl up."

"So are we going to write our own vows? Please?" I could tell by her voice that she was making the pathetic pouty face that I couldn't resist.

"Oh, fine. I guess I'll just have to think of something. You have to know in advance though; I am nobody's poet and I'm pretty sure I could never put what I feel for you into words."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"Yeah, yeah. Just get on that cucumber, will you?" I shut my eyes and shook my head. "Don't say anything, Sidle. That's not what I meant and you know it. Pervert."

"I didn't say anything. You're the one that said something. But now that I think about it, maybe we should just save this for later, eh?"

"Like hell."

So now we had to write our own vows and I had no clue as to how I would manage that. What was I supposed to say? Could I just say that I loved her and wanted to marry her? That I'd never been more certain of anything in my entire life? But Sara. Always the overachiever. She would undoubtedly quote famous people, be completely articulate, and find the absolute perfect thing to say. Should it be long? Short? I didn't see the point in drawing it on and on, but I didn't want mine to be disproportionate to Sara's either. It remained a mystery.

I went through dozens of drafts as the weeks went by. Anytime I had a free moment at the lab, anytime I was ignoring my paperwork, I would be writing. Looking up words in the online dictionaries and thesauri. But every time I tried to make it fancy, it stopped sounding real. Stopped sounding like something I would say. And if this was going to be anything, it should be the truth, exactly the way it was. In the end, I did come up with something that I liked a lot and was proud of. It might not be as elaborate as Sara's, but it would work.

The days flew by, and things fell into place. The RSVPs were pouring in, the minister was flying in special from San Francisco, as were a number of other people. The flowers were under control- calla lilies, of course, white with purple centers, and orange with yellow and red centers. The music had been difficult to organize because Sara and I have such different tastes, but finally we decided on a live band. Old friends of Warrick's. Jazz and blues plus a few old standards.

The girls, three of them, would be my flower girls. Ayla would wear a sea green dress, Maggie, a lavender one, and Miss Elizabeth would be in a pearly pink. Lindsey was a little old to be a flower girl, so she got to be my maid of honor. Her dress was silver and blue, just like the ones Nancy and Maureen would be wearing.

Organizing the wedding party was tricky, too. I would be the one walking down the aisle, and Sara would be waiting for me. That's just the way it happened in both of our minds, no question. Though Sara was in no way 'the man' in our relationship, that's just the way we wanted it. We would concede that Sara would walk down the aisle a good few minutes ahead of the wedding party and she would have an escort. We also wanted the boys to be involved in the ceremony. As ushers. Or men of honor. Or whatever. In any case, it worked out perfectly because we had Lindsey, Mo, and Nancy, and we had Greg, Warrick, and Nick. They could all walk down the aisle together. But then there was a problem. Grissom.

There had been a point in my life when I would have wanted nothing more than to have Gil Grissom escort me down the aisle. At one time, I would not have had a single issue with him being the best man to my future spouse. But those days were gone. We barely spoke anymore, outside of work. And we probably would have talked even less if we weren't putting on a good face for Sara who was determined to fix everything.

It was Sara who asked him to take her down the aisle and to be her man of honor/best man person. I couldn't be there. Sara really wanted it to happen, and I wanted to make her happy. But to say I had a problem with Grissom standing behind Sara throughout _our_ wedding ceremony would be a serious understatement. She somehow convinced him to do it, though. And that, as they say, was that.

As for my dress. It was the most beautiful creation I had ever seen. It was the color of milk, and just as satiny smooth. An off the shoulder neckline that hinted at something more but never let it show, it fit my body like a glove. High slits up both sides allowed for movement and showed off just the right amount of leg. And my favorite feature; it hung luxuriously off my hips and the back lengthened to puddle the opalescent material around my feet. Like some Grecian goddess. It was perfect. Sara would go nuts.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**So? The long awaited wedding is just around the corner, but what will happen after that? I have a bit planned out, but if you'd like to see something happen, just let me know and I'll take it into account.**

**Do I deserve a little something for getting this up so quick? You have no idea how much I value your opinions and thoughts.**

**Oh, and, thanks to Buckster, we now have the anonymous review thing enabled. So if you don't have an account, or you're too lazy to log in, or, if for some creepy reason you don't want me to know your identity- maybe you're an international spy, say; you can still leave a review! Hope that helps.**


	39. You May Kiss the Bride?

A/N: Okay, so, I wanted you to know that originally, I was going to start in on the epilogue of this fic right after this updat

**A/N: Okay, so, I wanted you to know that originally, I was going to start in on the epilogue of this fic right after this update. There was to be a series of about three or four of them. But because my dear friend Aqua Bubbles asked so very nicely, I am going to extend it as far as I can. If you, for some reason, object to this, and you have better reasons than Aqua Bubbles for ending the fic, do let me know and I'll take them into account.**

**Eww. I just brushed my teeth and then ate a passion fruit flavored tic-tac. Not a good combination.**

**So, this update is dedicated solely to the one, the only Miss Maggsie in all her splendid glory. Yes, I know, she just got an honorable mention in chapter thirty-seven. But, alas, she is a greedy monkey, and I am easily persuaded.**

**If anyone else wants their name in print, one of the following things must happen; a) you leave me a really long, really nice review, b) I use an idea you give me, c) be a first time reviewer, d) annoy the hell out of me/flirt with me until I crack and mention you just to get you to shut up…or e) blackmail. Oh, or promise to dedicate your fic/next chapter to me.**

**See? Easy peezy. Now shoo, go read and, of course, REVIEW!**

**Oh, no wait- new thing. I've decided to start asking questions to force feedback. This post's question; Which is your favorite child in the Sidle-Willows household and why? Alternatively, you can tell me which character you think is the most two-dimensional and needs more work. THANK YOU! Myx**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The day of the wedding dawned bright and summery. I woke up to Sara watching me, not six inches away. My head jerked back instinctively.

"Morning," she whispered, a soft smile playing at her lips.

"Mmm." I yawned. "Morning to you, too." I leaned in for a quick kiss. "What time is it?"

"A little after six. "

"Any sound of pitter-pattering little feet?"

"Not yet. Matthew needed a bottle and change about an hour ago, but I let you sleep through it."

"My mother and sister are coming over at seven. Along with the makeup artist, the hair stylist, the photographer and Joni Burr."

"Why Joni Burr?"

I shrugged. "Last minute alterations. Bit of a hemming crisis. Nothing to worry about."

She nodded. "I need to pick up the band and drive them to the park at around nine. Then I'm headed over to Greg's until the ceremony." She smiled, "I guess we'd better get going."

I grinned back and kissed her again. "I guess you're right. Why don't I hop in the shower and then you can take one while I get breakfast going for the girls."

Sara looked thoughtful. "Why don't we conserve water and share a shower? And then, while you make breakfast, I can stand right behind you, and kiss your neck while going in for the occasional grope?"

"Hmm," I purred. "I love that you're so worried about the environment."

"That's me. Always looking for ways to save energy. You know," her hand dipped to my exposed belly button and up under my shirt to rest on the curve of my side. "I bet if you just went without clothes we could forego the use of the air conditioning today."

"And I bet, if I went without clothes, we would never make it to the ceremony at one o'clock."

At those words, Sara flipped me onto my back and straddled me, her hands on either side of my head, holding her up. "Happy Wedding Day, Catherine."

I smiled serenely. "Happy Wedding Day, Sara."

She searched my eyes seriously. "Sometimes I still can't believe that I wake up next to you everyday. I can't believe that I somehow manage to deserve you."

"You're all I want, Sara. Just you and our little family."

She smirked. "Little? You think we need another one?"

My eyes widened. "Please, God, tell me you're joking."

Her expression was serious for about two seconds before she burst out laughing. "Completely. But you should have seen your face."

"It's our wedding day, and you're pulling tricks on me?" I punched her in the arm. "What the Hell is wrong with you?"

"Ow! What? C'mon, Cat. It's part of my charm, remember? We love each other, and today we are committing to each other for the rest of our lives. Let's just keep our eye on the prize, okay? Now, let's get back to that shower idea."

"You think you're _getting some_ after that little stunt?"

"Uhh…" She paused for effect. "Yes?" She flashed a gap-tooth smile.

One corner of my mouth twitched. "Start the water."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Catherine," my mother stood in the doorway, hands on her hips. "it's eleven thirty, we need to get you dressed."

"What do you want me to do, mother? _Not_ feed the baby?"

"She's nine months old. She can practically feed herself. It's your wedding day, Catherine."

I ground my teeth. "I didn't know that. Really?"

"Don't be smart with me."

"What are you going to do? Put me in a time out?" I sighed. Here I was. In full makeup, nails manicured, hair curled and swept up with calla lilies pinned into it. In my red plaid pajama bottoms and a white tank top. In my kitchen. With a nine month-old baby balancing on my hip, holding her own bottle and chugging it like she'd never eaten in her life. On my _wedding day_, and I was being reprimanded like a small child.

"Mommy?" I heard Ayla call down the stairs.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I can't find me and Maggie's white tights."

"On my bed, under your dresses. Have you both taken showers?"

"Yep! But we need to dry our hair."

I eyed my mother determinedly. "Nana will help you with that, and I'll be up soon."

"Okay, Mom."

"There, now, will you please go and help them? I will be up in ten minutes and then we can get the dress on. The limousine will not be here for another thirty minutes, and it does not take twenty minutes to zip up a dress."

My mother raised her hands in surrender. "Okay, fine. Don't listen to me. What do I know? I'll be upstairs if you need me."

When I was alone in the kitchen again, I looked down at my baby girl. "I am a forty-two year-old woman." I began seriously. "I have five happy, healthy children, a successful, brilliant, beautiful fiancée, a college degree, a career I love, and house with no mortgage. Why does she insist on treating me this way?"

Her little brow crinkled, she seemed to think about it. "Iggy agah uhjaja," she babbled at me. Then she gave a big grin, showing me her two teeth on the bottom, and then offered me her bottle.

"For me?" I smiled, "Thank you! I feel much better now. Are you all done, Firecracker?" Using the sign for 'all done', I waved my hand side to side, questioning. She repeated the motion, then she squealed and kicked her feet- her signal to be put down. Now that she had learned to crawl, there was no stopping her. We had to put baby gates on everything. "Not today, wild one. Today, you are coming with me. We have a pretty pink dress for you!" She scrunched up her face, seemingly less than thrilled with the prospect.

We marched upstairs into my room, where Lindsey had just finished getting dressed. She looked so beautiful. The dress had little spaghetti straps made of silk chord and it fell to the floor. She had on high silver heels, and dangling silver and pearl earrings. The make up artist had given her a full makeover, complete with blush, eye shadow, and lip gloss. In that moment, I could see what she would look like in a few years as a woman.

She twirled around, smiling. "Do you like it?"

_I would not cry, I just had my makeup done._

"Mom? What's the matter?"

I shook my head, "Nothing, you just look so grown up. I can't believe you're already twelve years old."

"Practically a teenager!" Lindsey beamed.

"Yeah, you're almost there. You look spectacular, Linds."

"Thanks Mom. You look…underdressed."

"Yeah, I know, here, oh no wait, the baby just ate- I don't want her to spit up on your nice dress. Let me put her in the crib." I carried her over. "Hey, little pumpkin, you stay right here while Mommy gets dressed, and then Nana is going to put you in your flower girl outfit. Here, play with Mr. Monkey." I turned around to find Lindsey, Ayla, Maggie, Joni Burr, the photographer, my sister, and my mother all waiting for me. "Okay, let's get this show on the road."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

So, preened, combed and dressed, my mother, my sister, and the girls and I headed over to the park in a white limousine. The only time I had ever been in a limousine before was when I was processing a scene, or riding with rich clients in need of entertainment. Cute ass, will travel. That's what we used to say. It felt so different to be the one calling the shots. I felt like a queen.

We were all giddy, especially me, and the whole way there we were laughing and making jokes. When we arrived at the park, everything was all set up. The tents were up, the chairs were placed, the guests were arriving. Two tents had been set up to the side and back; one for me, and one for Sara. Presumably all the boys were in with Sara, because as I was walking towards my tent, Greg left the other tent and headed towards mine. He took a couple of photos as he walked.

"Hey, Cath, you look great!" He snapped another photo right in my face.

"Greg! What the hell?"

"It's always the candid shots that come out the best. You'll thank me later."

I shook my head and switched Lizzie from one hip to the other. "Is Sara here?"

"Yep, but I've been told to keep you away from her at all costs. Bad luck and everything."

"Uh-huh, well, I'll be in my little tent with all of the girls. Just send Larry over when it's time."

"You nervous?"

"No. Why? Do I look nervous?"

"A little on edge maybe, but you look gorgeous."

"Thanks, Greggo. Now shoo! I'll see you at the ceremony, okay?"

In my tent, I found not only just my girls, but also my bridesmaids, my mother, as well as Lola and Tim. Tim ushered me into the tent warmly. Today, he was sporting a metallic blue and white striped suit complete with cane and jaunty hat. "Catherine, dear, don't you just look ravishing?"

As we chatted, I continually checked my cell phone for the time. Every minute ticked by and one o'clock steadily drew nearer. My nerves began to rattle. Here we go, this was it. I was getting married today. At one o'clock on the nose, I heard the music start, and knew Sara must be walking down the aisle with Gil. She had chosen to go down the aisle to Dinah Washington's version of 'What a Difference a Day Makes.' I was going down to 'At Last' sung by Etta James. Just as the music ended, I heard someone unzip the tent from outside. Looking up, I met with kind blue eyes. Larry.

"Well, my lady Catherine, I do believe it's about that time." I smiled nervously as he kissed my cheek. My mother, Lola, and Tim, left to find their seats. The rest of the wedding party lined up like we had practiced. First Maggie, then Ayla, then Lindsey with Greg, after that came Maureen with Warrick and Nancy with Nick. And then Larry. With me on his arm. With Lizzie balancing on my hip. My music began to play. Deep breath.

_At last…_

_my love has come along… _

I could see the line start to move. Maggie would be walking with her little bouquet of white callas and baby's breath.

_my lonely days over… _

_and life is like a song… _

Now Ayla would start after her sister, one slow step at a time. My heart rate was climbing, I could feel it begin to pound in my chest.

_Ooh, yeah, yeah_

_At last… _

_the skies above are blue… _

_My heart was wrapped up in clover… _

_the night I looked at you… _

I could see Lindsey's blonde head moving down the aisle, and Miss Elizabeth chose that moment to notice I was wearing dangly gold earrings. And what do nine month-olds want to do with something shiny? Yank it!

"Ah! Lizzie, hang on. Ouch, Lizzie, that hurts!" Forgetting to give her the signs for 'no' and 'stop', I was more preoccupied with not getting ear ripped off on my wedding day. "Wait, wait, wait, give Mommy a second." I quickly pulled out the earring and handed it over, just praying she didn't notice my necklace.

"Aba ga?" she questioned me, adamantly.

"Yes, you play with that, okay?" Maureen was making her way down, and Nancy was next.

_I found a dream _

_that I could speak to _

_A dream that I _

_can call my own _

This was it, my turn. I squeezed Larry's arm tightly. The butterflies in my stomach were numbering in the thousands.

"Have I told you yet how absolutely magnificent you look today?" Larry turned to me as I took my first step.

"Really?" I couldn't look at him, I was busy smiling nervously at faces I recognized in the crowd.

"I've never seen a more beautiful bride."

_I found a thrill _

_to press my cheek to _

_A thrill that I have never known _

_Ohh, yeah, yeah _

Just keep walking, one foot in front of the other. That's it. Okay. I could do this. Lizzie lost interest in my earring in her grip, and became fascinated with the crowd. She continued babbling away, pointing things out to me.

"Is that a flower, Firecracker?" I whispered. "Look, do you see Nana?"

I was busy looking for my mother when Nancy and Nick separated and I caught a glimpse of something white in the corner of my eye. I inhaled sharply. It was her. My Sara. And she looked stunning.

_You smile _

_you smile _

_Ooh and then the spell was cast _

_And here we are in heaven _

We were nearly there, my whole body began to tremble. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. We stopped, and I felt Larry brush his lips against my hand. Then I took the last few steps on my own. We looked into each other's eyes and smiled in a secret sort of way. That smile was just for me.

_for you are mine at last…_

"Wow." I whispered.

Sara's hair was half up in a strategically arranged messy bun, held in place with silver chopsticks and adorned with white and purple calla lilies. She was in a sleeveless white satin vest, a woman's waistcoat, with a high, unbuttoned collar. It was glittering and embroidered with large white roses. Underneath, she wore cream colored wide-leg pants with a large white leather belt. The vest was an inch too short to meet with her pants and the skin that peeked through was positively delicious. The look was completed with subtle makeup, sexy silver heeled sandals, and a nine month-old baby boy perched happily on her hip.

Mattie was in a little white suit with a blue tie and blue boots. He was the handsomest little man you ever did see. When he saw me, he smiled and kicked his feet. I leant over and kissed him, leaving a pink lipstick mark on his cheek.

I eyed Sara, "I thought you wearing a suit," I said quietly.

She shrugged, "There's a jacket that goes with it."

I raised an eyebrow in question.

She shrugged again. "I got hot."

I smiled and rolled my eyes as we turned to the minister. She smiled encouragingly at us.  
"Friends," she began, "we are gathered here today to share with Sara and Catherine a very important moment in their lives. In the time they have been together, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured, and now they have decided to live their lives together as wife and wife.

"Our prayer is for this couple that they enjoy the fruits of marriage, sharing an abundance of happiness. We further pray that whatever difficulties they may encounter will be overcome by their optimism and faith in each other. Sara and Catherine, have you come here freely and without reservations to give yourselves to each other in marriage?"

"We have."

"Before we begin with the vows, the brides have expressed the wish to share their love for each other in their own words." She glanced at Sara, "You may begin."

Sara nodded and turned to me. The look in her eyes made me melt. She took a deep breath and smiled bravely. "I love you, Catherine," she began shakily. "I know no other path than to love you. For me, it is so inherent, so instinctive- I can't control it; I never could. You draw out my soul with every breath that you take. I exist for you, Catherine. And I know I always will. There was once a part of me that was incomplete, before you swaggered," she smiled into my eyes, "confident and passionate, into my life. My days were shadowed, bleached, and faded.

"But, with you…and our children- our wonderful children, that darkness has drained away, leaving in it's wake a brilliant sunrise filled with all the hues reflected in your hair, your eyes, your lips. I am astounded everyday that I have somehow managed to attract your attention, your love. Every time I set eyes on you and remember that you love me, I feel triumphant.

"But you are not a prize to be won, nor a piece of property to be coveted. You are the most amazing person I have ever met. I cherish you, Catherine. I cherish everything about you. You have my heart. You have my loyalty and love for all eternity.

"I ask you now, to spend your life with me. Through all of the diaper changes, parent-teacher conferences, all of the proms and weddings to come- all of the grandchildren." She smiled again and tears began to brim at my eyes. "I ask you to take my hand, so that we may guide each other through the many uphill battles we will face. I want to fight them. I've always fought them. But now…now I am not alone." She put her hand on my waist and moved a step closer. "Marry me, Catherine? Then I shall never be in the darkness again."

I sniffed, smiling.

"Bubba bubba ows tee!" Mattie shouted out. Sara and I had gotten so close that the twins could touch each other, and Mattie wanted the big gold earring in Lizzie's hand.

She wasn't willing to give it up. "Joe jee jazhubat!" she shouted back, and stuck the earring in her mouth.

I could see Matthew's quivering lip just before he began to wail. I couldn't do anything about it though, because I needed to get my earring back before Lizzie choked on it.

I stuck my fingers into her mouth, feeling for the piece of jewelry. She clamped hard on my finger with her two teeth. "Ow! Lizzie, we do not bite Mommy! Now c'mon and give me that!" I felt around a moment longer and found it.

Mattie was still sobbing. I looked to Sara. She hit her forehead with her palm, "Oh yeah, almost forgot." She reached down her vest, into her cleavage, and promptly produced a blue pacifier. This drew a laugh from our friends and family in the audience.

I quirked an eyebrow.

"What?" She asked, looking innocent. "No pockets."

I shook my head. Plucking a flower from my hair, I handed it over to Lizzie. I took off my other earring, just to be safe, and turned to Lindsey behind me. "Can you hold these for me, sweetie?" I handed over the earrings and realized that my hand was covered in baby drool. _What to do, what to do…well…_it's not like I was ever going to wear it again- and I'd have to have it dry cleaned anyway. As discreetly as possible, I wiped my hand on my dress. Problem solved, and crisis averted I looked back at the minister.

She seemed very amused. I wondered how many weddings she'd overseen, where the couple brought their kids up with them. "May we continue?" she asked. Sara and I both nodded. "In that case, Catherine, I believe you have something to say?"

_Deep breath._ _Please, God, don't let me say the wrong thing…_ I met Sara's gaze and smirked. "You kinda stole my thunder there, Sidle. I don't have nearly as many fancy words or poetic devices in my vows. But I might as well give it a shot, eh? Alright, here goes," I raised my voice so that the crowd could hear me. "Sara Helena Sidle. I. Love. You. You are," I ran my hand down her arm, "the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life in your arms. I love your arms. I love your voice, your smile, I love your sexy neck, and everything below it." I saw a blush creep up her cheeks and I smiled. "I love your mind, your heart, your spirit. I love that you treat me like an equal and that it never occurred to you to do any different.

"I have waited my whole life for someone like you; someone who treats me with respect, who's not afraid of my emotions; who loves me as much as I love them. Who wants to raise a family with me, and who will always put our children first. I love you- you're…incredible. You are, single-handedly, the most amazing woman I have ever met.

"You're the one, Sara." I tried to convey all I was feeling with one look. "You are. You have made me the woman I have always wanted to be. And if you'll let me, I want to spend the rest of my life, not in front of or behind you, but by your side. Through anything that comes our way." I took free hand in mine. "I want to spend the rest of my life being a parent with you. Hell, I'd be happy just to spend the rest of my life on the couch with you, watching some boring documentary on plant cell analysis," I heard the crowd chuckle, "just so I can lay with my head in your lap. Forever." I gazed into her bright eyes and I felt a sense of complete serenity surround me. Why had I been nervous? This was Sara; this was my wife. "That's what this is, Sar. This is you and me and our family. You and me, babe. Forever."

Sara was smiling, laughing lightly, and there were streams of water trickling down her cheeks. _Oh, God, she's crying. She can't cry! If she cries, I'll cry, and- oh, shit, my mascara! Fuck it. Christ. Women!_

Ann, the minister, interrupted our little tear fest. "Catherine," she whispered, "are you finished?"

I gave a lopsided smile, "I can only say I love you in so many ways, right? Before it starts to get repetitive."

"So, we can go on?"

"Yes."

"Very well." She spoke louder, "Sara and Catherine, since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands and repeat after me.

"I, Sara,"

Sara grinned at me. "I, Sara,"

"take you, Catherine,"

"take you, Catherine,"

"to be my wife."

Her grin widened, "to be my wife."

"To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow."

Sara repeated every word, her eyes never leaving mine. And then it was my turn.

"I, Catherine,"

My heart was thundering in my ears so loudly that I almost could not hear Ann. But I knew what to say.

"I, Catherine, take you, Sara, to be my wife…"

When the vows were finished, it was time for the rings.

I raised my eyebrows at Sara, "Don't tell me those are down your shirt, too."

She looked sheepish, and started to reach into her vest.

My eyes widened. "Sara!"

She raised a hand in surrender, "Kidding, just kidding!"

My eyes narrowed. "Do I need to punch you again? That was not funny." But by the laughter of our friends and family, I could tell it was quite the comic act. I smiled. Why was it so easy to win me over?

Sara turned behind her and I noticed Grissom for the first time. He looked good. Handsome, even. His hair was combed, he had switched his glasses for contacts, and he was wearing a suit. This one was nicer than the brown one he always wore for court appearances. It was what my mother called 'oyster' colored, he had on a dark blue shirt underneath, and a silver-blue tie. There was no way in Hell he dressed himself.

He reached into his pocket and retrieved a small black box. I had yet to see the rings, Sara had wanted to handle them personally- and without me.

She took the box, opened it, caught the rings in her hand and gave the box back to Gil, all without me catching a glimpse of what was inside. She caught me peaking and smiled mischievously.

I shifted Lizzie's weight from one hip to the other so that I would hold out my right hand, and she placed her own ring on my palm. Looking at it, my eyes lit. 

It was two rings entwined with each other. One was silver, sleek and elegant, the other was encrusted with diamonds all the way around. They were crossed over one another and wouldn't come apart. I closed my hand over at it. Sara gestured at me to give her my left hand. I presented it, and she took it in hers.  
I felt the press of the metal against my fingertip as she began. "I give you this ring as I give you myself, the physical evidence of my passion and commitment," she slid the ring along and it came to rest at the base of my finger. "May it always represent our never-ending love."

I looked down. The ring on my finger was similar to the one in my hand. It was smaller, and more finely wrought, and the plain ring was gold while the diamond ring was still silver or, as I found out later, platinum. It was beautiful.

I smiled calmly at Sara and motioned for her to give me her hand. "I give you this ring as I give you my heart, the physical evidence of my eternal passion. Feel within it the beating of my heart and my profession of undying love." We joined hands.

Ann smiled. "Well, if that's all, then we're done here. By the powers invested in me, I pronounce you wife _and_ wife. You may kiss the bride!"

I laughed as everyone cheered. Sara's eyes glittered and I knew mine must be shining too. We leaned in and our lips met. After a moment, I heard her mumble, "I love you…Mrs. Sidle-Willows."

I kissed her hard for a second longer. _How was it possible to be this happy?_ "Well, I hope you know, _Mrs. Sidle-Willows,_ that I've never been happier to hear it." I kissed her again, quickly. "And I love you, too." Lizzie pulled on Mattie's ear and we had to quickly separate.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

June in Las Vegas is going to be miserable no matter what you do. _Outside,_ in June, in Las Vegas…Hell has colder days for weddings_. _Which is why we decided to have the reception inside. And that's when my mother opened her big mouth. And that's how we ended up with the reception hall at the Rampart. Granted, it is a gorgeous room. And it's twenty-five thousand dollars a day and we got it for free. That being said, no matter how nice he is to me and no matter how much attention he showers on my mother, Sam Braun is not the kind of guy you want to owe favors to. If you know what I mean. But how was I supposed to say 'no'? Saying 'no' to Sam Braun is even a worse idea than owing him a favor.

And of course, since we were using his reception hall, he had to be invited to the wedding. Which meant that at some point, I was going to have to introduce him to Sara.

But before that could happen, Sara and I had to get to the Rampart. We'd handed the twins off to my mother and my sister, they were using our car to drive all of the kids to the reception. Which meant that Sara and I were free to ride in the limousine. _Alone…_

We were so giddy, we couldn't stop laughing. Or kissing. When we finally settled down, a good chunk of the ride was already over.

"So, _Mrs. Sidle-Willows…"_

"Yes, Mrs. Sidle-Willows?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to say it again."

"I think that went pretty well, if I do say so myself."

"Splendidly, dahling, splendidly."

"Do you like your ring?"

"You're kidding, right?" I held it up to admire it. "It's perfect. It's beautiful."

"Good." She kissed me.

"What are you smiling at?"

"You. I'm just glad you're happy."

"I am happy, I am _so_ happy."

"And why is that?"

"As soon as we get to the Rampart?"

"Yeah?"

"My thing on the side and I are getting a room."

"Oh, thank God. It would have been so awkward if you caught me making out with your Mom in the utility closet."

"…"

"Catherine?"

"…"

"Cat?"

"Eww." I made a face. "Sara Sidle-Willows, I cannot _believe_ you just said that! That is single handedly the most disgusting thing I have ever heard in my entire life."

"You were the one threatening to run off with your mistress; I had to stop you."

"I am scarred for _life._"

"C'mon, give me a kiss."

"I don't know where those lips have been!"

"It can't possibly be the most disgusting thing you've ever heard, Cath. What about that sound when Doc Robbins reaches into the chest cavity of a vic and squishes the-"

"You think saying that is going to get me to kiss you?"

"Worth a try…"

"Not working."

"Okay…" She wrapped her arms around me while I faced the window mock-sulking. "What if I say…I love you?" She kissed my shoulder.

"Nope."

"What if say…You're incredible?" She kissed my neck.

"Uh-uh."

"What if I say…I'm not wearing panties under this outfit?"

I turned to her with a wicked smile. "That could work…" I kissed her deeply and slid my hand under her waistband. "Hey!" I stopped kissing her. "You are too wearing panties!"

"Never said I wasn't. But it got you to kiss me!"

I faced the window. "Well, I am not talking to you until we get to the reception."

"Cath, baby, come on."

"Nope."

And I didn't talk. I remained completely silent for the rest of the ride. Did not say a single word.

Mostly because I was too bust trading tongues with Sara. Yeah…that… that could have been it.

When we walked into the reception hall, there was a big round of applause. I threw out my arms and smiled, but Sara took a step back. I brought my hand to her back and whispered, "This is our family, Sar. Nobody's going to bite you."

"Right. Right. I know that."

"Do you want some cake?"

"Cake?" She perked up. "Where?"

I motioned. "Through the crowd." Her shoulders sagged.

Ayla appeared by our side and grabbed Sara's hand. Lindsey came up and took her other hand. "Come on, Mama. We'll take you. We all get to sit at one long table over there."

Maggie came over to me as Sara was dragged off. "Mommy, are you coming too?"

"In a minute, baby. I need to say hello to some people first. Would you like to help me?"

"Yeah!"

So while Sara got to entertain the older girls, I mingled, Maggie in tow. She just ate it up. Mostly, I chatted with Sara's friends from San Francisco. Matthew Winger's parents were there, and they delighted in seeing Maggie growing up so well. Denny, his wife, Lara, and their eighteen month-old little girl were there. Lola, of course, along with Gina and her partner Michelle, Charlotte, and surprisingly, Vicki. She had brought a date- her fiancée, a masseuse named Todd. He seemed nice, and very good for Vicki. She was happy and very pleasant towards me.

After about half an hour of schmoozing, things quieted down and people took their seats in order to get served their salmon, steak, or, of course, their vegetarian falafel. Most of the tables were round, and spread out around the wide open dance floor. Our table, the table for the wedding party, was in fact several tables pushed together to create a panel type setting against one wall, so that we could see everyone. Sara and I were in the middle, the guys and their dates were on one side, while the bridesmaids and their spouses were on the other. While the babies were in highchairs next to us, technically the girls were supposed to have a table to themselves on one end. But they kept coming to talk to us and sit on our laps, so we let them stay and pull up chairs.

Halfway through the meal, people started tapping their glasses with their forks and shouting "Speech! Speech!"

_Oh, lord._ I had nearly forgotten. Grissom. Was the best man. And he was expected to give a speech.

Sara lifted Maggie off her lap, handed her to me, and went over to whisper in Gil's ear.

Gil was the only member of the wedding party over the age of twelve that didn't bring a date. The bridesmaids were both married, and the guys had all found someone. Warrick's date was drop dead gorgeous. Dark brown skin, kinky reddish-blonde hair, and the biggest hazel eyes you ever did see.

I looked back to Sara who was walking back to me. Gil was standing up and walking to the microphone stand in front of and to the side of the table. He seemed to cough nervously as he unfolded a piece of paper.

"Do you know what he's going to say?" I whispered to Sara.

"No idea."

"How did you even get him to make a speech?"

"He volunteered."

"Why does that worry me?"

Sara elbowed me in the ribs and took Maggie back so that I could feed the twins to keep them quiet. I kept half an ear on the speech.

"For those of you who don't know me, I am Dr. Gil Grissom of the Las Vegas crime lab, I am a friend and a colleague to both Catherine and Sara. I wanted to make this speech so that I could share with you, but also with them, my thoughts and observations." He coughed, studied his paper, and began. "Mary Ann Evans, better known by her pseudonym, George Eliot, once said, 'What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.' I have known Catherine and Sara for many years. I've known them since before they were lovers, or mothers, or even CSIs, and I can tell you, though I'm sure you know, that no two people deserve happiness more than these two magnificent women."

Sara and I exchanged looks.

"The first time I saw Catherine, she had just gotten off of work. And although she was exhausted and upset, she still managed to be one of the most beautiful women I had ever set eyes upon. I was a lowly scientist and she took my breath away. And then I heard her speak. And I realized that as attractive as she was, more importantly, she was a smart, clever person with strong deductive reasoning skills and a good heart. And I thought to myself; she would be a great CSI someday. So, I offered her a position and a chance to further her education. In the time it took for her to earn her degree and move her way up from lab tech to criminalist, we developed a bond that has tied us together for many long years. I was able to observe first hand as she blossomed into a confident, passionate woman and mother.

I met Sara at a seminar. She had just graduated with a degree in physics, and returned to California. There were several hundred people at that seminar, but Sara was the only one to catch my attention. I had never met anyone like her. She was unbelievably intelligent, she had a quick wit and a unique mind. Her brain perceived and processed information in a way I had never seen before in anyone but perhaps myself. Not to mention she was the prettiest girl in the room."

Sara hid her head in my shoulder, blushing profusely, and I kissed her hair. _Please God, let him wrap this up soon._

"I have spent many years with these women, teaching them, learning from them, and working alongside them. I have," he coughed here and shuffled his feet. "I have come to know them and have grown very fond of them. I have watched the trials and tribulations of their lives as well as their triumphs. Over the last two years, I have seen their family grow, and watched their love for their children and each other grow along with it. I have never seen them more happy than when they are in each other's presence."

Gil set down his paper and turned to Sara and I. "What all of this comes down to is that you have shaped my life for many years. You are important to me. All I've ever really wanted is for both of you to be satisfied and confident in the lives you lead. Be happy, and love each other with my blessing."

I looked over and found that Sara's eyes were liquid. I felt her hand leave mine as she stood, knocking Maggie off her lap and threw herself into Grissom's arms as he returned to the table. He barely managed to catch her. I smiled. I had a feeling that things would always remain strained between Gil and I. There was no going back; I carried the heart of the woman he loved. But at least things would rectify themselves between Sara and Gil. I knew how important that was for her and I was grateful to him.

"Mom, Mom!" I turned to see Ayla and Lindsey out of their seats.

"Yeah, baby?"

"It's traditional for the Maid of Honor to give her speech now, right?"

"Yes, sweetie, but I told you-"

"I know, I know. But I want to. C'mon." She grabbed Ayla's hand and ran around the table before I could stop her.

"Uh…Sara?"

She turned to me and I cast a meaningful glance at our two older daughters. Ayla was practically hiding behind Lindsey, but Linds was standing straight and tall.

"What's up?" Sara asked.

"Hell if I know. I think she's about to make a speech."

"I guess we'll just have to find out."

Lindsey lowered the microphone too fast and as it dropped, it gave a high pitched screech. "Shit!" she whispered. Into the microphone. The whole hall laughed.

Except Sara and I who both shouted, "Lindsey Willows! Watch your mouth!" The hall laughed again.

"Oops," she said to us before turning back to the audience, trying to quiet them down,

"Okay, okay. So, Mom said that I didn't have to give a speech, and I thought I wouldn't. Except that then we had to make up our own speech for my oral communications class, so I decided to write one anyway. So, I wrote this like, a month ago and I practiced it in front of my class. AND I should mention that I got an A+ on it, so I know it's good."

"She read it in front of her _class?_" Sara whispered in my ear. "Did you know about this?"

I shook my head. "Not a clue."

Lindsey glared at me. "_Mom._ You are ruining my _moment!_"

"I'm sorry, I thought it was _my_ moment." I winked at her.

She rolled her eyes. "_Anyway._ As I was saying, I actually memorized the whole thing, but Ayla added some stuff at the end, so that's why I needed the paper. Okay, so. Ready? Here it is; 'My Maid of Honor Speech' by Lindsey Willows."

Sara and I smiled at each other. Here she was trying to act so grown up, and all it did was remind us of what a little girl she still was.

"When my Mom and Dad got divorced, I didn't really understand what it meant. I was confused and I was mad because I didn't get to see either of my parents very much after that." I felt the sting of her words in my chest. But she continued. "I still loved my Mom and Dad, but we were never together anymore. That meant a lot of things changed. Christmas and birthdays and weekends were all different and it took a while to get used to. I thought I would have a split up family for the rest of my life.

"Then my Dad died. And everything changed again. The night he died was one of the scariest nights of my life. But it was also the night I met Sara. I was still _distraught,"_ I heard her put emphasis on the big word and hid a smile, "but Sara made everything seem like it was going to okay. She treated me like I was normal when everyone else treated me like I was made of glass. After awhile, my Mom and Sara became friends, but I loved Sara so much that I wanted her to be part of the family. I wished for it more than anything, and you know what? My wish came true!

"When Ayla and Maggie's dads died, Mom and Sara went out to California and when Mom came back, they were girlfriends!" Sara turned and kissed my exposed shoulder. Smiling, she intertwined our fingers and squeezed my hand before returning her gaze to Lindsey speech. I hugged Maggie tight to me, and focused again on our eldest daughter, "…and that's how I got my sisters! Well, two of them anyway. So Sara and Maggie and Ayla moved in with us and we became a sort of, kind of family.

"Then we got adopted, and then we decided to have a little brother, and then Sara got pregnant. I already thought of her as my mother, but that's when we all started calling her 'Mama' and it really brought us closer together. Then, Mama got shot. I was so afraid that she would die, like Daddy, and then Mom and I would be left alone again. But she didn't, and the twins were born.

"I was so excited when my moms told me they were going to get married and I got to be the maid of honor. I was excited because of the new dress, and getting to walk down the aisle, and the party after. But mostly, I was excited because my Mom and Mama getting married meant that we were even more a real family. And even though it is slightly gross, it's actually pretty cool that they are so much in love. I love my moms, and I am really glad that they found each other, because I got my family back and because they make each other so happy."

Lindsey looked around at everybody and said, "Well, that's everything that I wrote, but Ayla wrote something else that she asked me to read." She turned to Ayla, "Are you sure you don't want to say it yourself?"

Ayla nodded and cowered away from the microphone.

"So Ayla wrote a poem, and before I start, she wants me to say that… this is the first poem she's written that doesn't rhyme and the first one that contains more mature…poetic devices such as…internal rhyme, repetition and…ass…assonance. That's it, right? That's how you say everything?" Ayla nodded again. "Okay. Here goes;

I love Movie Night when we get to pull the mattress onto the floor.

I love sliding in the mud after it rains.

I love that I get to help in the kitchen, even though I sometimes break things.

I love a lot of things.

Picking out Mommy's clothes. Splashing Mama in the pool.

I love watching Mom and Mama whisper secrets to each other and laugh.

Daddy and Papa used to do that.

I love how nobody tries to make me talk when I don't want to.

Daddy and Papa always did that.

I love a lot of things.

Store-bought Halloween costumes. Getting to stay up late on Christmas eve.

But more than anything, I love my family.

I know the concept of heaven is not logical, but I hope my dads are up there anyway.

I hope they can see me.

And my family.

My moms and my sisters and my brother.

And my nana, and my aunt, and all of my uncles.

I hope they can see me,

And see how happy I am.

Congratulations, Mom and Mama, I love you, and I always will."

Lindsey looked up from the paper just as everyone applauded. She was beaming as she walked hand in hand with Ayla back to the table. Sara scooped her up while I took Ayla in my arms. "That was wonderful! You guys did such a great job!"

"Ayla, you were so brave to stand up there the whole time."

"But I didn't say anything."

"Well, that's alright, sweet one. I know how hard it was just for you to go up there. Thank you for doing that."

"It would be strange if Lindsey read my poem and I stayed at the table. Did you like it?"

"Like it? We loved it. But you know who you forgot?"

"Who?"

"You forgot to mention Gram and G-pa Winger, and they're still your family, too, right?"

"Oops. Do you they'll be mad?"

"No, but I think you should go give them a hug and a kiss, don't you?"

"Ya. But I don't want to go out in front of all those people all by myself. Will you come with me?"

Lindsey came over to hug me. "Mommy has to stay here with Mama and everybody, but I'll come with you, Ay. Do you want to hold my hand?"

Ayla nodded and they headed off.

"That was so sweet," Sara said in my ear.

"I know. I wonder how much longer she'll be that way."

"Mmm…six months?"

"Probably. Oh, _shit._"

"What?"

I pointed.

"Why is your mother at the microphone?"

"To steal the spotlight. Why else?"

My mother tapped the microphone to get everyone's attention. "Excuse me, I'd like to say something."

I stood up. "What? Mother! Are you serious?"

"What? It's my daughter's wedding…hopefully her last one. I'd like to say something."

I set my jaw, crossed my arms, and flopped back in my chair like a petulant child. "Fine. I guess I can't really stop you."

"Thank you for that vote of confidence, my dear." She turned the crowd. "Now, what I just wanted to say is this; when I first heard that Catherine was dating Sara, I was somewhat less than thrilled. I didn't even want to think of it, let alone talk about it. But Catherine sat me down, and she made me talk about it or, at least, she made me listen. And when she spoke about Sara, her whole face just lit up, I had only ever seen her that happy when she was with my granddaughter. I knew then that she must be in love with this woman and I became determined to try and understand.

"Then, I met Sara, and I met her girls. They were so sweet, and I found Sara so respectful and kind and…gainfully employed." This drew a laugh from the crowd. "And she was attractive and well educated, too- a Harvard graduate, you know. Not a bad dresser, a good mother, and most importantly, she was very obviously in love with Cathy. I couldn't help but like her. I could tell that she was good for my Catherine, that she made her happy. I still didn't understand completely, but I understood that even if I didn't, I wanted to be supportive of my daughter. But it wasn't until Sara was hospitalized nine months ago that I finally realized. I was watching Catherine with Ayla, another woman's daughter, but her daughter too. That's when I realized that there wasn't anything to understand.

"Sara and Catherine are just like any other couple- two people in love. They are just like any other parents, better than most- they love and cherish their children. So," she turned to us, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry it took me so long, I'm sorry that I missed out on two years of my grandchildren's lives because of ignorance. And I wanted you to know, you both to know, that I love you and congratulations. You deserve every chance at happiness." She blew us a kiss.

For what felt like the millionth time that day, my eyes misted over. "Thank you," I mouthed. She nodded and returned to her seat beside Sam. He immediately took her hand and I felt a vein twitch in my forehead.

"Hey, Sar!" Denny had a big shit-eating grin on his face. "Can I give a speech?"

"Yeah, Bird, what about me?" Joey want to know, cracking his knuckles to try and be intimidating.

It worked, Sara's eyes went wide. It was so comic, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. She stood up and pointed at both of them. "No way in Hell!"

"How about a toast then?"

"Yeah, at least a toast."

I tugged on her pant leg. "Let them have their fun, babe. I've already married you, and nobody else really matters, right?"

She rolled her eyes and sagged her shoulders reluctantly. "Fine. But make it quick."

"Alright!" Denny and Joey stood, raising their glasses.

"To Catherine!" Denny began loudly.

"May she always leave her handcuffs at work!" Sara went bright red and covered her eyes.

"May she guard the tequila like a fierce Mongol warrior!"

"May she never come to her senses-"

"Or start a polygamous cult!"

Joey lost his composure for a second and guffawed. "May she always win out over Sara's stash…of forensics magazines."

"May she _never_ find out about that time when Sara posed for the cover of San Francisco Magazine."

"Shit!" Sara muttered beside me and dropped her head to the table.

"And may she never go a day without knowing that she's the luckiest woman in the world!"

"Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! And Amen!" Thank emptied their glasses, and the highly amused audience, including myself, followed suit.

"San Francisco Magazine, huh?"

Sara held up a hand. "I do not want to talk about it."

"Well, I think that's it for the speeches, or at least, I hope it is. God, how long have we been sitting here? And when are they going to start playing some music we can dance to?"

Sara looked up and smiled. "How about right now?" She got up and quickly walked over to the band, whispering something into the leader's ear. He nodded and smiled. Then Sara was back, and extending her hand to me. "May I have this dance? Mo is going to watch the twins."

I nodded and placed my smaller hand in hers. As she led me out onto the dance floor, the whole hall went quiet. Sara nodded towards the band, and a familiar tune began to play. I was surprised because it was a fairly fast song which required us to actually dance, and I knew Sara was shy about that sort of thing. But apparently not. My jaw dropped as she pushed me away and then twirled me back in. She winked.

_Well, now, it takes more than a robin to make the winter go_

_And it takes two lips of fire to melt away the snow_

_Well, it takes two hearts a-cookin' to make a fire grow_

Sara mouthed the words.

_And baby, you've got what it takes!_

I was in shock, Sara was whirling and twirling me all over the dance floor like a pro. Her foot work was dead on, and she was magically keeping tempo. But by the start of the second verse, I pulled myself together. I flashed her a bright smile and then kept pace with her, curling my leg around her ass as she dipped me.

_You know it takes a lot of kissin'- Tell me about it._

_to make a romance sweet _

_Ooh, it takes a lot of lovin' to make my life complete_

We mouthed the words together this time, looking into each other's eyes.

_Mmm, and it takes a lot of woman to knock me off my feet_

_and baby- you've got what it takes!_

_I said, mm, mm, mm. uh-huh, mm, mm, mm_

_Ah, ah, hah mm, mm_

_You know you've got just what it takes!_

The music continued to play, but I just had to know.

"Sara?" I questioned as I twisted away.

"Mmm?" She stepped to my right and took my hand.

"Where'd you learn to dance like this?"

"The boys," she said, breathing a little heavy.

"_Our _boys?" I asked, disbelieving. I walked around her in a circle.

"Yeah." She pulled me close, her arms around my waist. "Grissom let us sneak off for two hours a few days a week for the last month or so. I wanted to surprise you and be able to dance at our wedding, so I needed to take lessons. But I didn't want to go by myself, so the guys all took turns going with me and being my partner. They were kind enough to let me learn to lead." She smiled widely. "Surprised?"

I shook my head, "Impressed. You learned to dance like this in a month? And a third of the time you had Greg as a partner? You're my hero."

She laughed, pushing me away again. "Well you know, Cath, dance is a very interesting science. Mathematically speaking, the kinetics involved in conjunction with the rhythm and beat of the-"

"I don't need to know how you justify it in your brain, sweetheart. I'm just touched that you learned for me."

"Of course. I had fun doing it too."

The song ended and another started up. Other couples started to make their way onto the floor. We just kept dancing. I don't know for how long. At the end of the first slow song, Greg came over and tapped my shoulder. "May I cut in?"

I graciously handed Sara over to him. I wasn't alone very long. I felt Warrick wrap his hand around my waist, "Care to dance?"

I smiled and nodded. We easily picked up the rhythm. Warrick is a great dancer.

"So what do you think of Diana? My date?"

"I really haven't gotten to talk to her much. She's young. She's certainly beautiful."

"She's a social worker. I know she's only twenty-six, but there's something about her. She's mature, she's smart, she's sexy as hell- and she thinks my jokes are funny. Plus she's not weirded out about what I do, she understands having to work tough hours. She's amazing."

"How long have you been dating?"

"Five weeks. But it's serious. She wasn't at all freaked out when I invited her to a wedding. Man, she's just unbelievable. I think I'm in love with her, Cath."

I smiled up at him, "Congratulations, War. That's just so great." I let him go. "So, why don't you go dance with your date, and I'll see if I can't steal mine back from Greg." I kissed his cheek.

"Deal."

But before I could cross the dance floor to retrieve Sara, I was intercepted. By Sam. He encircled my waist. "One dance for an old man? You know you've always been my favorite girl."

"I thought that was my mother," I said dryly. I put my right hand in his, and placed my left on his shoulder.

"Ah, Hell, Mugs, don't be like that. You know I love your mother. But she's a mature woman."

"And what am I, at forty-two years old?"

"Is that how old you are? Jesus, that must make me…seventy. I don't like the sound of that. How about you be thirty-five, that way I'm only sixty-three."

I shook my head.

"So who was that old man who walked you down the aisle, and why wasn't it me? You're the closest thing I have to a daughter."

"What about Nancy? Why am I always the one you come to? You know what, don't even tell me. I sure there's nothing paternal about it."

"Oh, I don't know, Mugs. You've just something a little extra about you. Now, who is that man?"

"Sam," I sighed exasperatedly. "His name is Larry Lester, he's a very dear friend of both Sara's and mine. And I didn't ask you, because while you are a close…family friend, we haven't spoken in a long time and I didn't know what kind of condition your relationship with my mother was in. Though, now I see it seems to be perfectly fine. Larry offered. I accepted. End of story."

I heard coughing behind Sam and he pulled away so that could see Sara standing there. "Excuse me, Mr. Braun, but I believe you have my wife."

"I believe you're right about that. We haven't met yet, Ms. Sidle, I'm-"

"_Mrs._ Sidle-Willows. And I know who you are. I would love to stay and chat some, but it appears that we are going to cut the cake in a very short amount of time. I just came to get Catherine. I'm sure there will be more time later." She took my hand. "Excuse us."

When we were a safe distance away, I rested my head on her shoulder. "Thank you so, so much."

"You looked like you could use some rescuing. And besides, what are wives for?"

_Wives! Ha. Sara and I were married!_ "C'mon, Mrs. Sidle-Willows, let's round up the kids, I think the cutting of the cake is something they won't want to miss."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

We cut the cake, we ate it, we took tons of pictures, we danced some more, and then…we went home. We got in the limousine with the kids one last time, and we drove home. Gil had been kind enough to give us the before the wedding and the night after off, even though technically we were out of vacation days until the end of the century.

We thought about getting a hotel room, and spending the night alone, but we didn't want to. It was too much of a fuss, neither of us are particularly fond of hotel rooms, and the truth was, that after a whole long emotionally taxing day, we just wanted to be home with our kids. So we all put on our pajamas and dragged the mattress and sofa cushions onto the floor and stayed up late watching the original Dr. Dolittle and eating pretzels.

At some point, Sara got up to go check her email, taking Lizzie with her. When all three girls were dead to the world, I swung Mattie onto my hip and went upstairs.

"Babe?" I asked, poking my head into our room.

"Shh." On the bed was a passed out little body, Sara was rubbing her back. "Poor little Firecracker had the hiccups. Really bad. I just got her down."

"Is that what kept you from coming back down?"

"Part of it."

"What was the other part?"

"Well…I have this friend John. He used to be my supervisor when I worked in San Francisco? I hadn't spoken to him in a while so emailed him to tell him about the wedding and to see what's up.

"And?"

She turned the computer around and I sat on the edge of the bed. "Read it. Ignore the sex bit, but read the rest."

I adjusted the screen and read.

_Hey, hey Sara! Why if it isn't my star CSI. It's been a long time. Congratulations, I'm glad to hear about your marriage, even more excited to know your bride is none other than Catherine Willows. I read her one of her articles in the journal on measuring high velocity blood spatter on absorbent surfaces. I was blown away. Bet she's a real tiger in the sack, eh? Never mind, I don't want to know…really._

_I was actually thinking about looking you up just the other day. I have a proposition for you. As you know, I am getting up there in years, and I am taking an administrative position as of the end of this year. Now, here's where it gets exciting; due to a major federal grant, we are expanding the entire crime scene unit and adding in more than twenty new positions including one for a new supervisor on every shift. We'll be responsible for every crime scene from Marin to Santa Cruz and as far west as San Joaquin._

_There will be two teams on each shift, each team requiring a different supervisor. If you include my position, that means there will be four supervisor positions available within the next year, including two on the night shift. What do you say? I know you and the Mrs. are both more than qualified for it. It would be no problem for me slip in a good word with the hiring committee- I'm the chair._

_How would it be to be back in San Francisco? Just something to think about. I know it's more expensive to live here but the schools are better, and it's not like you have any shortage of friends around. How great would working together as supervisors be for you two newlyweds? Think about it, talk to Catherine, take your time- no rush. Let me know. Whatever you decide, it was great to hear from you._

_Stay safe, John_

When I looked up, Sara was watching me from the other side of the bed. "So?" she asked, tentatively. Her expression was impossible to read.

"So…"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**So…I really wanted this to be an easy fifteen page 'I love you, you love me' kind of wedding. Didn't workout that way. This is officially my longest post of all time. And I introduced new storylines with Sam and Warrick, not to mention the whole moving to California question. Sorry if it seemed to drag on; I couldn't decide which parts to get rid of to make it shorter.**

**Now, since this is the longest post ever and a lovely romantic chapter, and I managed to get it to you in under a week, you know what I think? I think you guys owe me some serious reviewage. That's my new word. Reviewage. **

**I like it.**

**And I'm not talking some dinky ten, twenty reviews. I want at least thirty, Goddammit! Or the next post don't come fo a month! That's right! You never thought I'd stoop so low! But I have! I am holding the chapter HOSTAGE!**

**And it's a really good one, too. Lots of fluff, lots of stuff involving the kids and the boys, a little drama, new characters, a dash of action…yep. Once I write this update, it's going to be the best ever. How's that for incentive?**


	40. Growing Up & Moving On

A/N: Oh, my gosh

**A/N: Oh, my gosh! Now, I know a lot of you grumbled about me taking this chapter hostage and forcing you to review, and don't worry, it will never happen again- especially not when I haven't written the chapter yet. But you got to admit, it seriously worked. **_**Fifty-two **_**reviews! You guys are amazing! I have a lot of people to thank, and I'll do that in a minute, but first things first.**

**I know Aqua Bubbles and a few others asked that this story never end, and that's really sweet, but a bunch of other people pointed out that it has to end sometime, and they'd rather it end with a little class and not drag along with a weaker plot. (Which is exactly what I think the show is doing. No Jorja, no Gary, and now no Billy? Just give it up, man. I mean, everybody loves Marg but there's no way she can carry the show. That's all I'm saying) So, here's what I'm going to do. After this chapter, I am going to start in on the epilogue chapters, **_**however**_**, they will be longer and more detailed than I was originally planning. There, you see? Compromise. **

**Next order of business; I am issuing a public, formal apology to Maggsie for calling her a greedy monkey. She is nothing of the sort. (Maggs, I can't remember what I wrote in the draft, so I'm starting from scratch.) Not only is she neither greedy, nor a monkey, she is also a wonderfully talented writer and ever supportive reader, reviewer and friend. My apologies, babe. XO**

**Okay, the thank you section. Really, I'm thanking everyone who reviewed, because you are all fabulous, but I feel a few honorable mentions are due. So many of you wrote what I consider to be long reviews that I can't possibly thank you all, so only the truly insanely lengthy ones are getting written up.**

**Firstly; Chelsee6, cathandsaraforever55, srtxf, Aqua Bubbles, and CSISVUTWFBgurl. Your reviews were helpful, cheering, and unbelievably long. I loved them.**

**Next: LeonniThams, thank you for your honesty and helpfulness. I really like that you weren't afraid to share some criticism as well as praise. So, thanks.**

**Followed by chimp1984- I know you've been busy, but I missed you! Thank you for all the encouraging reviews- they were awesome.**

**And finally, the winner by far in the 'get mentioned in Myx's fic contest,' Miss I.love.you.miss! Everyone needs to try and be more like I.love.you.miss. Her ingenuity is uncanny. Not only did she leave a fantastic review, she also went back and reviewed all the other chapters she missed, and she annoyed me to no end, AND she promised to dedicate an update to me. So, that is why this update is mostly dedicated to her. **_**Thank you, my dear.**_

**Alright, now that that's all over and done with, on with the show!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Linds, Linds, are you getting this? Are you actually _seeing _this?"

"Mom, I see it, okay? I was the one who came to get you and got the video camera, remember?"

I was kneeling on my living room floor with my arms spread wide, and a ridiculous expression on my face. "Who's my big _walking_ boy!? Come here, come here! Come see Mommy! Who's the best, best boy!?" Mattie gurgled at me from the place where he had pulled himself up on the coffee table.

"Mom, move your head. It's like, really big and in the way of the camera."

"Thanks, Linds." I drawled.

"No seriously. Move your head."

I sat cross-legged. "Is that better?"

"Loads."

"Okay, Mattiemeister! Come see Mommy! Walk to Mommy." I made the sign for 'good job,' bringing the back of my hand from my mouth to my opposite palm. Sara had somehow finally got me into the baby sign language stuff, but in her defense, it really worked.

Mattie turned and let go of the table edge so that he was standing on his own. "That's it, that's it. Come on." He smiled at me and reached out to try and touch me. I scooted back. He frowned and reached again. Again, I scooted back.

He got a very determined look on his face. "Ick!" he cried, frustrated. "Ick!"

"It's okay, little man. Don't get upset. Mommy's right here, she just wants to see you take one little step. Just like you took for Sissy. Can you do that for me?"

He looked so serious. He leaned precariously. Staring at me the whole time, he lifted one foot, kicked it forward, and then set it down. When he saw my amazed expression, he smiled, revealing his six teeth. Then he took three more steps before he tripped and tumbled into my lap. He looked up at me, quite startled at where he'd ended up. "Yay!" I clapped my hands. "What a good boy you are." I picked him up touched noses with him. He laughed that happy baby laugh. "My big walking boy, I'm so proud of you! Mama is going to be so mad she missed this! Linds, did you get that?"

Lindsey snapped the camera shut and put in on the end table. "Yeah, I got it." She huffed and then collapsed beside me, playing with Mattie's feet. "At least this is a good day for _somebody_."

I rubbed her arm consolingly, "Hey, it won't be that bad, sweetheart, you'll see."

"How am I supposed to put up with this for like my entire life?"

I smiled sympathetically at her.

That morning, I had just fallen asleep when I heard screaming coming from Linds' room. Sara and I both jumped out of bed and ran down the hall. Sara flung open the door to reveal Lindsey standing on her bed, sobbing. "Lindsey, what the hell? You scared the crap out of me! What's the matter, hon?"

Silently crying, she pointed down to the sheets. They were heavily smeared with what appeared to be blood. Quickly I did a check for visible injuries.

Sara caught on more quickly than I did. She went around the bed and pulled Lindsey off it and into her arms. "Oh, sweetie, you're okay. Everything's fine."

Suddenly it all clicked in my head, just as Lindsey sobbed, "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, baby" I assured, thinking that 'baby' was definitely no longer the word. I officially had a young woman for a daughter.

"Linds," Sara started, "you had health class last year, don't you know what this is?"

Lindsey snuffled as she thought. Sara and I watched as she froze with realization. She went from distraught to livid in about two seconds. _Oh, yeah, we've got a full-fledged teenager on our hands now._ "My _period?_! That's what this is?"

Sara and I both nodded.

"What? But…! I…" and we were back to tears. "No! I can't! I'm only twelve! That's not fair!_"_

Sara rocked her back and forth, and I came over and wrapped my arms around both of them.

A minute later, Sara's cell could be heard ringing from our bedroom. "Damn," she, muttered, before running from the room.

I bent down to be on the same eye level as my not-so-little girl. Five-foot two, officially grown out of her training bra, and now this. "Hey, angel. We're going to work this out, okay?"

She wiped at her eyes. "Okay."

"I'm going to change your sheets really quick, why don't you get a clean pair of underwear and meet me in my bathroom, alright?"

"Uh-huh."

Sara got called back in to work, as sometimes happened, so I was responsible for getting everybody dressed, fed, and ready for school. Lindsey and I had a long chat about everything I could think of that she needed to know, a lot of it, I could tell, she really did not want to talk about with me, but she didn't have a choice. I let her stay home from school, I felt that was justified- it's not like she would be focusing much on school if she were there anyways. I even let her stay at home and watch the twins while I drove Maggie and Ayla.

I felt so bad for her- she had cramps, she was hormonal, and she was embarrassed. I had started my period at twelve, and I suppose I should have been waiting for the day that hers would come, but it honestly slipped my mind. I think I was just as shocked as she was. My baby could, technically, have babies. I was not ready for that. But what was I supposed to do? I was supposed to be supportive and helpful and guide her through the next few years of her life as best I could. Thank god I had Sara. She seemed to keep a level head about things like this.

"Mom?" Lindsey's voice brought me out of my musings.

"Yeah?"

"Can I…" she hesitated, "Can I have spaghettios and grilled cheese for lunch?"

I smiled. _So, still my little girl after all._ "Of course you can." I looked at Mattie in my lap and Lizzie playing with her shape-sorter. "Why don't we all have spaghettios and grilled cheese for lunch?"

Lindsey took Mattie from me and hoisted him onto her hip. "And then after," she pretended to bite his hand and he grinned. "I can watch the babies so that you can sleep."

I smiled at her, "That would be great, Linds, but I want to stay awake in case you need me."

She rolled her eyes. "If I need you, I'll wake you up. How exactly can I screw up- I mean, mess up putting on a pad? It's no big deal, Mom. You need your sleep. The twins and I will watch One Hundred and One Dalmatians." She put Mattie back on the ground where he took five or six steps before falling over.

Lizzie, having seen that her brother was getting all the attention, crawled over to see why. It was always fun to see them interact. Most of the time, Lizzie was the dominant one, but every now and then, Mattie put her in her place as the youngest in the house.

They gurgled and chatted away at each other. Lizzie picked up two of the shapes from her sorter, and waved them wildly in the air. Mattie reached for the blue star and quickly received an indignant howl from his sister. He pulled his hand back, but his lower lip began to quiver. I sighed. "Lizzie, give your brother the star." Not really expecting her to say anything back, I reached for the toy.

She pulled it away from me. "No!" she shouted.

Lindsey and I looked at each other and then back a Lizzie. "What did you say?"

Seeing that she was getting attention, Lizzie smiled. "No!" she said again, triumphantly.

"Linds, get the camera, quick!" When she had the camera rolling, I once again tried to apprehend the toy. With the same result.

Lizzie scowled. "No!"

I reached for it again.

"No! No, Mama, mine! Mine!"

My jaw dropped. "Oh, my God. Did you hear that?"

"Mom, I'm standing right next to you. Of course I heard it."

"She called me Mama."

"Well, she's confused. You're _Mommy_, and Mama is…Mama."

"Babies can't tell the difference between words that sound that much alike." I pulled Lizzie into my arms and hugged her tight, peppering her with kisses. "Who's a talking girl? Who's Mommy's big talking girl?" She giggled. "Linds, can you believe it? Mattie walks for the first time and Lizzie talks for the first time all in one day."

"Well, this day is just full of surprises," she says, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

I rolled my eyes, "Okay, you. Time for lunch."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

That night, on the way to work, Sara and I were happy as clams. We had the homemade DVD all set up to show the guys. "Can you believe she said that? I still can't believe she said that."

"Amazing. This has been some day." There was a pause before Sara spoke again, her tone was careful this time. "So…I was wondering if you've thought about John's proposal at all."

"I've been thinking about it quite a bit, actually."

"Yeah? What about it?"

"Well, I've been thinking that the public school system is a lot better in the Bay area than here. And I've been thinking that we do need a bigger house, and we know that we don't like the neighborhoods in Las Vegas."

"What about the job?"

"Well, I'd have to meet the people I'd be working with, but it sounds great. I've been due a promotion for a while now, but it's looking more and more like Vegas is a dead end for me- career wise."

"So…" she hesitated. "Maybe I should set up some formal interviews with John and the hiring committee?"

I nodded, my eyes on the road. "Maybe you should."

"Are you worried about moving the girls?"

I tilted my head from side to side. "I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I hate to uproot their lives. Again. Ayla's just started to make friends here; Lindsey has her friends that she's had since preschool. Maggie…Maggie can make friends anywhere we live, I'm less worried about her. If we move to California, we're moving towards Ayla and Maggie's family, but we'd be moving away from mine. I know that the Wingers treat Lindsey like there own granddaughter, but Mom would be really upset about it."

"It?"

"Us moving. She hates traveling, she's getting older; she won't want her grandchildren moving six hundred miles away.  
"Well, we can't base the happiness of our lives on what your mother wants. This has to be about us. Us and the kids."

"I agree. One hundred percent."

"So you said 'on the one hand,' what's on the other hand?"

"Well, a part of me thinks of it as an opportunity for us all to start over. I know we're a family now, but you and I have both seen a lot of love and loss in Vegas. And we know the girls love California. We know that our family will be more accepted there. The kids will have a better shot at leading a relatively normal life, instead of being forever branded as the kids with two moms."

"Sounds like an infallible argument to me." Sara turned to me as she put the car in park in front of the lab. "And I know you love California."

"And I know you do to." I smiled. "We'll just have to see. If we get the jobs, then we can really start talking."

So at some point during shift, Sara called John and set up interviews for back to back conference calls sometime in the next week. Then, if those went well, we would each have to go to San Francisco for an official interview.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The day before the interviews, I was making dinner when Ayla approached me with something I was so not prepared for.

"Mom?" Ayla came up behind me as I was tossing the salad for dinner.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I'm nine and three-quarters now, right?"

"Right…"

"I was thinking that I'm almost ten- that's double digits. That's a pretty big deal."

"Mhm…could you get me the dressing from the fridge?"

"Sure. So what I was thinking was that being ten means that I'm more than halfway through my childhood. Five ninths to be precise."

"Okay…" I could tell she was building up to something, I just didn't know what it was. I handed her the bottle of dressing. "Can you put this back, please?"

"Uh-huh. I was also thinking that since I'm practically ten already that maybe I should get an early birthday present."

_Aha._ I turned around. "A birthday present, huh? Like what?"

She looked away and her voice got very small. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe something kinda like a…" The last part was mumbled so I couldn't hear it.

"What was that?"

"I said maybe like a…a bra."

I stared at her. "A bra? You want…a bra?"

She squeaked. "Yes."

"What for?"

She picked up on the fact that the first word out of my mouth was not 'no,' and her eyes lit up. "Well, Dixie Lane got one and then Sophie and Paula got them, and now every girl in the class has one except me."

_Dixie Lane? _"Sweetie, how old is Dixie Lane?"

Little shoulders sagged. "Almost eleven."

"Just like most of the girls in your class, right?"

The lip came out and she looked so much like a sulky Sara. "Right."

"Do you know why women wear bras, Ayla?"

"Yes."

"Do you think you _need_ to wear one?"

"No, but a lot of the girls don't need them, but their moms bought them. Mama said it was okay if you said it was okay."

"She did, did she?"

Ayla nodded.

Walking out to the dinner table, I set the salad bowl down. "Linds?" I called to the living room. "How are you doing with the twins?"

"Lizzie learned how to say 'fishy'. Well, actually she just says 'fissy' and she won't stop saying it, but we're good. Mattie is asleep in his cheerios."

"We're going to be sitting down to dinner as soon as Mama and Maggie walk in the door, so can you set them up in the play pen?"

"Yeah, sure."

I turned back to Ayla and squatted down to her eye-level. "Angel, you know all I want is for you to be happy, right?"

She nodded again with her big, sad, brown eyes.

"But I'm going to have to say 'no' to this one. You're only nine years old. Lindsey had to wait until she was eleven, so unless you really need one before then, that's how long you're going to wait too. Okay?"

Her lip quivered but she nodded. "Okay." Her voice was tight with tears. _Oh, I hate being the one to say 'no.'_ Sara and I were going to have to have a talk after dinner.

"Sweetie, why are you concerned with what the other girls are doing? You've always been so independent. You've never cared what they thought before."

"I know. But I want them to like me."

"Who doesn't like you?"

"All of the girls. They don't like me because I do the best in the spelling and math tests and because I won the science fair last year."

"What about the boys?"

She shrugged, "I'm friends with Josh. And Ross. And Sam and Teddy and Pablo. They all want to be my partner for this year's fair."

"Hmm. Well, that's good at least." I pulled her into a hug, "Look, when I was your age, I wasn't friends with any of the girls in my class either."

"Why not?"

"They were jealous because all of the boys liked me the best. And I think that might be part of your problem too."

"Jealous? Of me? But I'm too skinny. And I've got glasses. And big front teeth. And I'm the youngest. I'm a total dork. Why would they be jealous of me?"

I shook my head. "That's just the way it is sometimes. And who called you a dork?"

She hesitated. "…Lindsey."

I jumped up, "What?"

Ayla tried to cover for her sister. "She wasn't trying to be mean, she just-"

"Lindsey Willows, get your behind in this kitchen right this minute!"

She appeared around the corner with Mattie in her arms. "What'd I do?"

"Did you tell your sister that she was a dork?"

Lindsey looked at Ayla who shrugged. "Uh…yeah."

"Why?"

Lindsey looked confused, "Because," she said slowly, "she is a dork?"

"She is not!"

"Uh, Mom- yeah, she is. She's a complete brain. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's still true."

"Well, I don't like you telling her things like that. It ruins her self-esteem. If you want to tell she's smart, then do it in a positive way."

"Fine. Can I go now? He's getting heavy."

"Well then put him down."

"Do you know how long it took for me to catch him?"

We all heard the click of the lock down the hall and then, "Hello!? We're home!"

"We're in the kitchen!"

Mattie squirmed in Lindsey's arms and she reluctantly put him down. "Ma!" He cried as he turned the corner out of sight.

"Hello, big guy!" We could hear Sara cooing, "How are you?"

"Mommy! Mommy, guess what?" Maggie crashed into my legs and I quickly lifted her up and hoisted her onto my hip. Damn, she was getting heavy, or I was getting old. Either way, we weren't going to be doing this for very much longer.

"What, munchkin? How was your very first sleepover?"

"Awesome! Hannah and Molly and me played dress-up and I was the robot princess. Guess what? I got a loose tooth!"

"You do? Let me see."

She grinned and wiggled one of her front teeth with her tongue.

"Hmm." I looked up as Sara walked in, a baby on one hip and a Finding Nemo sleeping bag on the other. I raised an eyebrow at her. "I don't remember you having a loose tooth when you left last night."

Sara smiled apologetically. "Apparently, Hannah didn't want to play the part of the royal puppy and she threw her dog bone at Maggie's head. Molly's mom says Maggie bled for twenty minutes."

"Yeah, but now I got a loose tooth. I can't wait to show everybody at school tomorrow."

I put Maggie down and twisted to crack my back. "Ah. Alright everybody's here. It's time for dinner. Wash hands, take your seats! You know the drill." In the commotion I was herded toward my wife. I wrapped an arm around her slim hips and leaned in for a gentle kiss. "Hey, hot stuff. How was overtime?"

She hummed against my lips, "Mmm. Boring as hell. And Greg's coffee doesn't taste nearly as good as you."

I smiled. "Why, Mrs. Sidle-Willows, are you trying to seduce me?"

"Uh-huh. Is it working?"

"I've got to leave for work in two hours and we've dinner to eat and dishes to clean."

"Well, the babysitter gets here at eleven, why don't we have a little rendezvous in your office, say eleven twenty-two? I promise to be well rested?"

I laughed and kissed her again. "We'll see. For now, why don't you focus on filling your stomach?"

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

The interviews did go well. Afterwards, John told us that the committee had loved us and that the in-person interviews were really just a formality and if we were okay with it, they could wait until we moved out there. He also told us we should start looking for a place to live now, so that we could make the transition easier. That made everything seem more real. And it made us realize that we really needed to talk to the girls.

"Move away? What?" Lindsey stood up adamantly. "I can't move! Why would I want to?"

I tried to calm her down with a hand on her arm, but she shrugged me off. "Sweetie, Mama and I have talked about this a lot and we really think it's what's best for the whole family."

"How can it be the best for me? What about all my friends? What about my boyfriend?"

"Linds, you're twelve, there will plenty more boyfriends."

"I want this one!"

"Okay," I held my hand up. "We know your opinion. If you can't talk without shouting, then go to your room and we'll discuss this later."

"This is so not fair!" Lindsey huffed and stomped out, up the stairs, and all the way to her room, where she slammed the door.

I looked over at Sara who gave me an encouraging nod. We turned back to Ayla and Maggie. "Well, that was one point of view. How do you two feel about it?"

Ayla looked pensive. "Where will we live?"

"Well," Sara moved to sit on the couch closer to Ayla. "We would buy a house."

"Where?"

"In the suburbs somewhere. It's too expensive to buy a house for seven people in the city."

"Could I have my own room?" She looked hopeful.

Sara tilted her head to the side. "Probably not."

Pouty face. _Aww._ "Why?"

"Sweetie," I put my hand on her knee, "if we let you have your own room, we'd have to let everyone have their own, and then we'd be looking for a house with seven or eight bedrooms- that's just too big."

"But we'd be closer to Gram and G-pa and Aunt Molly, right?"

"And the beach!" Maggie put in.

I cracked a smile. "That's right, we'd be just a quick drive from all of them, including the beach."

"What about Nana and Aunt Nancy? What about Uncle Greg?"

"We'd have to come visit them."

"What about school?"

"Well, you'd have to start at a new school."

"But I just got used to this one."

"I know sweetheart, but Mama and I really think you'll be happier at new school. Depending on where we move, we might put you into a private school, where you can be with kids your own age."

"And still learn at an accelerated level?"

"That's right."

"That would be…cool."

"Yes, it would."

"When would we move?"

"Around Christmas time. Our jobs would start on January sixth."

Ayla shrugged. "It's alright if we move, I guess."

_Oh, thank God. _I turned to Maggie. "What about you, Miss Maggie May?"

"Do _I_ get _my_ own room?"

"Hmm…maybe for a little while, but eventually, Lizzie is going to move in with you. That was always the plan here and, provided we find the right house, it will remain the plan in California."

"Oh." She looked adorably pensive.

"So what do you think about moving?"

"Hang on, I'm _thinking!_"

"Okay, sorry." Sara and I looked at each other. We'd never had that kind of attitude from Maggie before. Maybe her oldest sister was rubbing off on her.

"Maggie, you don't take that tone with Mama and you know it!"

Unaccustomed to being yelled at, Maggie's lower lip trembled, "Sorry."

Sara pulled Maggie in her lap, "It's okay, Mags, I know you didn't mean to."

"I'm six now, you know."

"We know."

"So, I'm too big to cuddle." She tried to shrug out of Sara's grasp, but Sara tightened her arms around our grown-up six year old.

"I don't think so, Maggie May." She kissed her cheek.

I tickled the little girl's knees as she attempted to escape, "I've got news for you, darlin'. You never get too big to cuddle in this house."

"Never?"

"Never ever."

"Oh."

"So, what do you think about moving?"

"Can we get a dog?"

I looked at Sara. "We'll see. There are a lot of decisions to make about getting a dog."

Maggie grinned. "But you didn't say 'no'!"

"No, we didn't."

"I want to move!! Can I name the dog? Can she have a purple collar like Maria's dog? Oh, can she sleep on my bed?"

I looked at Sara again, "We'll see," we both said, smiling.

"Mama!" Both Sara and I looked over to the playpen where Lizzie had woken up from her nap and was standing against the rail.

"Yes, my little devil?"

"What's up, Red?" Red was Sara's new nickname for Lizzie, and I despised it. True, her bright red curls did warrant the name, but I got called Red for the better part of my life, and I hated it. Only it was too late. She already responded to it.

"Out."

"You want to get out?"

"Out! Out!" she shouted louder.

"Okay, okay," I stood up, "Don't wake up your brother." I went over and lifted her out of the pen. Balancing her on my hip, I gave her dozens of kisses all over her face and neck. "Who's Mommy's best baby girl?" She flashed her four teeth at me and giggled.

"Cath, you making dinner tonight?"

I sighed, "I really don't have the energy, what about pizza?"

"Pizza! Yes! Please? We haven't had pizza in ages." Ayla drew out words for effect.

Sara smiled, "Oh, alright. Pizza is fine by me."

"Yay!"

"But I'm making a salad and _everyone_ has to have some."

Shoulders sagged from both girls. "Fine." They both said, equally dramatic.

Lizzie put both her hands on my face. "Mama, mama, mama, mama," she repeated.

I pretended to eat her hands which made her laugh. "Hey, little girl, want to help Mommy order yummy pizza?"

"Cath, you think you can hold down the fort here, for a bit? I think I might go see what I can do about Miss PMS up there." She pointed to the ceiling. God, I loved this woman. How many people would volunteer for that?

I breathed my sigh of relief. "Would you?"

"Absolutely."

"You're a goddess."

"No, that's you, I'm just a your mortal wife and mother to your children." She grinned widely at me and I winked back. "But I think I can talk her around. I've got an idea."

"And that would be?"

"I'll let you know if it works." She stood and ambled towards the stairs.

I turned to Ayla, "Have you finished your homework?"

"Yes."

"Including the other exercises from your tutor?"

"Umm…no." She looked guilty.

I raised my eyebrows. "Guess what you're doing until the pizza gets here?"

So an hour later, I'm setting the table with paper plates when Lindsey comes galloping down the stairs, running full force into the dining room. She sat down and reached for a slice. "Yes! There's no mushrooms on this, right?"

"Hey, put that back and wait 'til everybody's seated. You know better than that."

"Well, I'm hungry, when's everybody coming?"

"That would be as soon as I call them."

"MAMA! Dinner's ready! Ay, Mags, DINNER'S READY!"

I flinched. How was it possible for someone to even reach that decibel? "Thank you, Lindsey."

"Welcome." All of a sudden she's so chipper?

"Alright, what's going on? What have you done with my daughter?"

"Nothing. Hey, Mom, can I have surfing lessons?"

"In Nevada?"

"No," she said slowly while giving me the eye-roll. "When we move to California. Mama says she'll teach me, but I bet some real lessons would make me even better. Besides, Mama hasn't done it in like a really, really, _really_ long time."

"It hasn't been that long," Sara leaned in the doorway, smirking.

I smiled at her, "So we want to move to California now?" I looked back to Lindsey.

More eye rolling, "Duh!"

I looked back at Sara. I shook my head. "Duh!" we both said at once and laughed.

Lindsey just threw up her arms. "Parents," she said disgustedly.

Getting ready to head off to work that night, all munchkins safely tucked in bed and mother on the couch watching her program, I asked Sara how she ever got Lindsey to agree to the move.

She smiled. "I may have showed her some pictures of the surfer guys that hang out at Ocean Beach. And told her I'd buy her a board and teach her how to surf so that she could impress them."

I laughed. "God, she really is growing up, isn't she?"

"Thirteen in five months."

"I can't get over it, it feels like just yesterday she was my little girl."

"Well, do you think you can make do with three little girls?"

"We may be down to two. Our nine year old wants a bra, remember?"

"Yeah, but she still wears Little Mermaid pajamas to bed and sleeps with her thumb in her mouth."

"You still sleep with your thumb in your mouth."

Sara swung the door open and held it for me as her eyes rolled. "One time. One time! That happened one time."

"It was so cute though."

She closed the door behind us and clicked the button to unlock the car. "As long as you don't spread it around at the lab."

I looked over my shoulder and winked at her. "Too late."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

With all the girls in agreement over the move, finding a house to fit our crazy brood seemed like the next logical step. So, we called Maureen who gave us the number of an agent, we then called the agent who took us on without even asking what we were looking for; which was a lot. Absolutely could not be more than an hour from the city in heavy traffic, an area with good schools was a must. We wanted five bedrooms, at least three bathrooms, a spacious kitchen, a playroom _and _a living room, two offices, a fenced in backyard, a fully functioning basement and a pool. And about an acre of closet space.

Since we couldn't really just hop on a plane and go cruising around the suburbs of San Francisco, Lee- our agent, kept emailing us pictures and descriptions of houses. Poor man, we had him taking pictures of everything from roof tiles to electrical outlets. One by one all of the houses were dismissed. Size was the usual reason, most of them were just too small. But some of them were really weird. One had a pool in the shape of a…a phallus. Complete with a fountain on the business end. Sara and I laughed our asses off. Two lesbians living in a house with a penis for a pool? Ha. No. I don't think so.

For two weeks we went through them. We must have looked at fifteen houses, and none of them were even close to what we wanted. Then, two weeks before the twins' first birthday, Lee came through for us. Sara was sitting down at the computer in our crappy excuse for an office, and I was crowded over her shoulder, looking on.

_Hey ladies, guess what just went on the market? It's your dream house, believe me. I've finally found it, and it's going to go fast, so I'd hurry it up if I were you. Take a look- tell me you love me._

_X Lee_

Sara scrolled down, and as she did, both of us began to smile. There it was. And it was perfect. A big white house with big pink rhododendron bushes blooming under the front windows. There were five bedrooms, one was even slightly smaller than the rest and painted sky blue. We immediately both agreed it would be Mattie's room as he was the only one of us who would be sleeping alone. Four bathrooms- one on the first floor and three on the second. The master bath came complete with walk-in shower and Jacuzzi tub. Sara and smiled widely at each other when we noticed that little feature.

The kitchen was gorgeous. Cherry wood cabinets, green granite countertops, black slate floor, top of the line stainless appliances, and best of all, _two_ dishwashers. And things just got better from there. Except for the kitchen and bathroom, the whole downstairs had beautiful imported Australian Cypress wood flooring. Closet space was phenomenal. The backyard was huge- it had a pond and a nice _rectangular _swimming pool with a diving board. Plenty enough room for the girls' trampoline with some to spare.

The house was in Sunnyvale, California, technically in Santa Clara county, but only a forty-five minute drive from San Francisco. Three blocks from an elementary school, four blocks from a park and playground, six blocks from the high school, and just one point two miles to the grocery store.

We called Lee immediately and got him to put in a bid for us. That night I played hooky from work so that I could catch some sleep, then first thing in the morning, I was on my way to California. We couldn't both feasibly go, so Sara left the decision up to me. If it was everything the pictures said, than we should go for it. If it wasn't, well, then we'd just have to keep looking.

But it was. It was fabulous, I could not believe how perfect it was. I met with the owners, a nice older couple whose children were all grown up. They were moving to a smaller place that was closer to their grandchildren. I showed them the pictures of the kids and Sara that I always kept with me and we talked about what a wonderful house it was for their kids to grow up in. I told them how much in love with the house we were, and we were looking forward to raising our family there too. And I realized that in twenty years, Sara and I could very well be just like this couple. This could be our home.

The couple and I got along so well that they took Lee and I to lunch. We discussed Sunnyvale and all of the things that went on in the town throughout the year. The woman turned out to be a former nursery school teacher, and she gave me a list of daycares that were good for the twins and even recommended some tutors and a private school for Ayla. When we were finished, they told me that they liked the look of me and my family so much that they decided they would take our bid, despite the fact that two couples had bid above us. I was so ecstatic that I started crying hysterically and got on the phone to Sara right away.

The dream house was ours!

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

Now that we had a house, all that was left was to tell the boys and, of course, Grissom about the move. I'm not sure why, but we had been putting this off for as long as possible. I think it was mostly that we felt guilty. We had all been together for nearly six years, we had shared our lives together, and now…now Sara and I were breaking up our family. That's what it felt like, anyway.

But now, being in escrow with the house, with the girls' schools and the twins' day care all set up, having accepted the jobs and signed employment contracts, there was no avoiding it. We had to tell him, them. Grissom first because he needed to know so that he could start searching for replacements for us. Sara was much more nervous than I was, which is why I volunteered to do all the talking. Frankly, I didn't care what the man thought- I was just glad I would no longer be working for him. I was going to be supervisor this time. The thought made me smile slightly as we walked down the hall. Gil's door was open and his light was on. I knocked on the doorway just in case.

"Come in." He never looked up from his papers.

I stepped inside and I felt Sara's hand slip into mine. We very rarely had public shows affection in the lab, but I squeezed her hand tightly, knowing she needed the comfort. When we were beside his desk and Gil had still not looked up, I coughed conspicuously. He set his work aside and gave us his attention. I handed him two manila envelopes, one with my name on it, and one with Sara's.

"What's this?" He asked, opening my envelope.

"Those would be our two weeks notice."

He stopped short.

I plowed on. "Well, actually, it's more like six weeks notice since we've given you until December to find replacements for us, but you get what I'm saying."

"You're leaving?" He looked stunned.

"Yes."

"Both of you." It was like he wasn't even talking to us, but to himself.

"Yes. The lab in San Francisco is expanding, and they offered both Sara and I supervisory positions."

"You're both leaving?" He didn't seem to be able to process it.

"Yes." I said again.

"Why?"

I sighed. "Because we have to do what's right for us, Gil. What's best for our kids. This job has been great," I looked over my shoulder at Sara, "for both of us. But we've grown out of it. And neither of us would be getting promoted around here anytime soon. We've got to go."

He nodded silently.

"Grissom?" Sara finally spoke. "Are you okay with this?"

He nodded again. "If this is what you need to do, then it's what's best. I guess the team will just have to learn to live without you. Congratulations, to both of you. San Francisco has a great lab, you're very lucky." He said it, but it wasn't sincere. He couldn't look into either of our faces.

"Thank you." Sara said quietly.

"Was there anything else?"

I frowned at him. "What, our news wasn't enough for you?"

I guess I surprised him with my sharp tone. "What do you want from me, Catherine?"

"Nothing!" I felt my anger start to rise. "Apart from professional respect, I have never asked you for a goddamned thing."

I felt Sara pulling my hand, "C'mon, Cath, let's-"

I interrupted her. "But my wife deserves a hell of a lot more than that. At the very least you owe her compassion and support. Tell me, why is it that every time we walk into this office together, you turn into the biggest ass this side of the Rio Grande?"

Sara tugged more insistently on my arm, "Cath, we _really _need to go."

Gil shook his head, seemingly confused. "You walk-in and hand over your resignation papers, and without giving me any time to process, expect me to be emotionally supportive? Well, I'm sorry, Catherine, but I'm human and I need time to think."

"_Fine._ _Think._ Have fun with that."

"Sara? Could you give me a moment alone with your _wife?"_ he hissed out the last word.

"Cath?" Sara looked at me.

I squeezed her hand reassuringly. "It's okay, babe, I'll meet you in the break room in ten?"

She nodded and walked out, quietly shutting the door behind her.

I turned to Gil, eyebrows raised, hand on hip, in no mood to put up with any bullshit.

"Catherine." He sighed and started again, "Catherine, what happened to us?"

"What?" Not what I was expecting.

"We've known each other for fifteen years. For more than twelve of those years, I would have considered you my best friend. So, I'm asking, what happened to us?"

I looked at him disbelieving. "_You_ happened to us, Gil."

"Excuse me?"

"From the minute Sara began to run to me with her problems instead of you, before we were even involved, you turned icy towards me."

"That's hardly a rational or fair assessment of the situation."

"Is it? Really?"

"Yes, I didn't see you making an effort to maintain our friendship once Sara '_started running to you'_."

"I was a bit preoccupied!" I said incredulously and loudly, "I was in love!"

Gil's eyes flashed as he stood up sharply. "So was I!" he shouted vehemently. Taking a step back, I watched all the energy slip from his expression as he sunk back in his chair. "Don't you get it, Catherine? You won!" He laughed bitterly, "You won! And I don't know how to handle that. Here I am, watching as my best friend gets happier and happier, and I should be happy for her, right? Accept that I don't, I'm not. Every time you smile, I feel as if someone is crushing my lungs. Because I know if you're smiling, then she's smiling- she's smiling for you. Not me." He buried his face in his hands and rested his elbows on the desk.

All my anger was gone. Washed away by pity and compassion for this poor, heartbroken man. I crossed the room and placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Gil. I knew you loved her and I fell for her anyway. Friends, true friends don't do that. But I didn't win anything. I was never in competition with you. Yes, she did love you, but you lost your chance long before she came to me. And there was no chance I was about to turn her away. She was never a prize to be won, Gil; she's always been a person, who deserves to be loved and cherished and treated with respect."

He smiled slightly as he ran a hand over his forehead. "You know, at one point I thought that you and I could maybe…"

I nodded. "Yeah, me too."

"Really?"

"Sure, but you know it never would have worked- we would have driven each other crazy."

He nodded, staring off into space. "I…I never could have made her happy could I?"

I shook my head, apologetically. "You really couldn't have."

He nodded again. "She would have made me happy, though."

I frowned. "For a while maybe, but in the end I think would have been just the same as you and me. It only seems like you want the same things in life."

"I'm always going to love her, Catherine."

I squeezed his shoulder, "And I am always going to resent you for it."

"As I will always resent that you're the one she comes home to." He was quiet for a long moment before he looked up at me. "There's no way to fix this, is there?"

"No." I said quietly. "But we sure had a lot of good times, didn't we?"

"We did. You've been the greatest relationship of my life."

I suddenly felt hot, my throat was tight, and my eyes were stinging. Perhaps I had lost him two and half years ago when I first allowed Sara's lips to touch mine, but now it was really over. I had lost my best friend. And it hurt. I leaned down and kissed him softly on the cheek. "I've missed you, Gil. I will miss you." I whispered as my lip trembled.

He smiled sadly. "I'll miss you, too, Catherine. Promise me you'll look after her?"

I sniffed and brushed a tear away quickly. "Always. Forever and always. Everyday for the rest of my life." I crossed the room, but paused at the door. "Just…try to be happy for her. She so badly wants you to be proud of her, and happy for her. She looks up to you so much."

He nodded. "I am proud of her. She's become a wonderful woman, a wife, a mother, and now, a CSI supervisor. She deserves it. You both do." He held up a hand. "Goodbye, Catherine."

I ducked my head, "I'll see you around, Gil."

I stepped out of the room and when I turned, Sara was there, tears in her eyes. "How much did you hear?"

"Everything," she said, her voice strained.

I nodded, clenching my jaw against the wellspring I felt about to erupt.

"Come here, sweetheart," she whispered, and took me in her arms.

I cried. I wasn't even sure why I was crying, but I was. Maybe I was finally admitting to myself what a big part of my life Gil had been. Or grieving the loss of him. Something I hadn't been able to do for two and a half years. Mostly, I think it was because I knew it was the right thing- that I would never choose him over Sara, but that I loved him anyway. He had been my mentor, my-coworker, and my friend for so long. It was the longest, best friendship I ever had. And it was gone. I felt empty. I burrowed my face under Sara's hair and into her neck. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you, too, baby." She lifted my chin up and looked into my eyes. "You're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with."

I nodded. I hadn't really been afraid, but it was always nice to here the reassurance. No one is completely secure all the time. "You ready to go home?"

She kissed my forehead. "Let me just grab our stuff from the locker room." She pulled the keys out of her back pocket and handed them to me. "Meet you at the car?" I nodded and went to wait in the driver's seat. When Sara got in I cast a glance at her. "What?" she wanted to know.

"I just realized something."

"What's that?"

"I am completely and utterly emotionally drained."

"And?"

"And we still need to tell the boys."

Sara leaned back in her seat. "Dammit."

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"Happy Birthday Mattie and Lizzie! Happy Birthday to you!" There was a round of applause from the familiar crowd at the table. Sara, with Mattie in her lap, and I, with Lizzie in mine, leaned forward to blow out the single candle in the cake. Nick snapped a shot with the camera. Lizzie clapped her hands, smiling at the crowd, while Mattie ignored his guests and reached to dig his hands into the frosting.

"No, Mattie, you have to wait for your piece!" admonished a six year old Maggie. "You're getting all sticky."

"Can I cut the cake, Mom?" asked my twelve and a half year old daughter.

I looked over to Sara who was licking the frosting from her son's fingers. She shrugged, so I nodded to Lindsey. "Sure, just make sure to cut even sized pieces. And mind your fingers."

"Cath, watch out!" Warrick warned me in time to keep Lizzie from going head first into the cake.

"Ma!" Both Sara and I turned to Mattie.

"Yes, my one year old boy?"

He touched his folded hand against his mouth, the sign for 'eat.'

"You want to eat some cake?" Sara asked, mimicking the sign.

He made the sign again.

"Say eat."

"Eeee!"

I smiled at him. "Good job," I signed as I spoke. "Yay!" I clapped my hands. Lizzie clapped her hands too.

"Hey, Cath?" Diana wanted to know, "Can Warrick hold her for second? It'll be good practice." In the months since our wedding, Warrick's girlfriend Diana had become a permanent fixture at our social gatherings, as had Nick's girlfriend, Missy. Diana was so great- and so great for Warrick. Missy we liked as well, but Diana just fit in so perfectly with the group, it was like she had always been there.

"Practice?" Sara frowned. "Practice for what?"

My jaw dropped, "Is that your round about way of telling us that you two are going to…?"

Warrick beamed and protectively placed a hand on Diana's flat belly. "Yep. Due in May!"

"Oh, my goodness, congratulations!"

Sara was still astounded. "_You're _having a baby?"

"Is that so hard to believe?" Warrick smiled goofily.

"Uh…yeah…kinda."

"Hey, you never struck me as the mothering type and you have five. I never said anything."

"You just did."

"Dude!" Nick slapped him on the back, "You're gonna be a Dad? That's awesome."

"Thanks, man."

"Who wants the first slice of cake!"

"Me!" shouted Lindsey's little boyfriend, Tyler Travis.

Apparently, he had broken up with his older girlfriend and had asked Lindsey to go to the Winter Dance with him- her first real boy-girl dance. Sara and I were both keeping a very close eye on him, and so far, he and Lindsey had not had a moment alone. I could see why she liked him, he was tall, blonde, with big blue eyes. He was starting to get the shape of a man where most twelve year-olds still looked liked little boys. And he was a good dresser to boot. Still, the longer I could keep my eldest daughter from learning 'the facts of life,' the better.

"Poo!" Lizzie shouted, yanking my hair.

"Ow. You want to go play in the pool? What about your cake?"

"Poo!"

Warrick stripped off his shirt to a round of wolf whistles and cat calls. "I can take her, Cath. I'm not really a cake guy anyway."

"I could go out on that joke, but we're in mixed company." Greg laughed.

Warrick shook his head.

I put Lizzie on the grass, "Uncle Warrick will take you to the pool, baby. Mommy and Mama will be right here."

Never afraid of anyone, our youngest child took Warrick's hand when he offered it, and toddled along on her unsteady feet.

I turned to Diana and motioned for her to come sit beside me. "This is so exciting. How are you feeling?"

"I'm pretty good. I've had a little morning sickness but otherwise I've been fine."

I placed a hand on Sara's thigh. "We know all about that. How's Warrick doing, is he being supportive? Because I can always give him a big kick in the keister."

Diana laughed, "No, don't do that. No need. He's been great. He was in shock at first, but he got over it pretty quick. Now, he's nothing but the best. He's even reading all the 'how to be a dad' books I bought him."

"Oh, that's so cute."

"Isn't it?"  
"You know I can hear you right?" Warrick called from the pool causing a laugh all around.

"So, Nick," Sara was trying to feed Mattie cake but he was more interested in feeding himself. "What about you?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Warrick's having a baby, Cath and I have been settled down for a while, now. You have any exciting news for us? You've been seeing Missy for what now? Six months? We like her."

Diana, Greg, and I nodded our approval.

"We've been seeing each other seriously for exactly seven months, three days, and," he looked at his watch, "eighteen hours. And as a matter of fact, I've decided to ask her to marry me."

Greg bounced up and down. "Seriously? Isn't that a little too soon?"

"Not for me. I am in love, man. That girl, she's just…wow, you know?"

Sara and I looked at each other, her eyes twinkled and we leaned in for a brief kiss. "Yeah," I smiled.

She returned my smile. "We know all about that, too."

"Oh, man. It's been three months since the wedding! And you two are still…"

"Greg, if you value your life, I would not finish that question."

He raised his hands in surrender. "I'm just saying, it's been statistically proven that-"

"Well, then, we're an exception to the statistic, okay?" I raised an eyebrow for him to drop it.

"Okay, okay."

"Linds, you're doing such a great job. Okay, who wants cake?"

When the cake had been consumed and plenty of pictures taken, Sara and I gathered up trash and headed towards the kitchen. I held the trash open as she disposed of the plastic plates and paper napkins. "You ready for this?"

She shrugged noncommittally. "I'm not exactly looking forward to it."

I rested my hands on her hips and kissed her cheek. "I know. But it's not like we can just sneak out in the middle of the night and leave it for Grissom to tell them."

"Really? See, because that sounds like a really good idea to me."

I smiled, "They're our family, Sar. I'm sure it won't be that bad." I tapped her lightly on the ass, "C'mon, woman. I'm not sure how long we can trust Greg with distracting the twins."

"Are you kidding? It's his dream come true. Finally, playmates his own age."

I laughed as we stepped outside hand in hand. "That's what I'm worried about."

We strolled over to the where everyone was congregated as Ayla and Maggie tried to knock Nick out of the hammock. "Alright, everyone, listen up. We've got an announcement to make." All eyes turned toward us and the kids fell silent. "Girls, Tyler," I looked at them, "Can you go play on the trampoline for a minute. We need to have some grown-up talk."

"You're not having another baby, are you?" Greg asked.

Sara snorted. "Yeah, right, that's it."

I waved a hand to dismiss the idea, "God, no. No." I took a deep breath. "No, the thing is…we're moving."

Silence. "You mean," Nick said hesitantly, "you mean you're finally getting a bigger place, right? Moving up to one of those places you looked at in Seven Hills."

I shook my head. "We are getting a bigger place, but it's in Sunnyvale."

"Where's that?" Warrick wanted to know.

"California." It was Diana who spoke.

Sara and I both nodded.

"_What?"_ Nick and Greg said at the same time.

"When?" Warrick seemed much more calm than either of the other men.

"We've got to be out of this house before Christmas."  
"You've sold the house already?"

"Christmas? That's only six weeks away!"

"We know it's only six weeks away, but-"

"Why didn't you tell us before?"

Sara broke in for the first time. "We wanted to make sure that it was actually going to happen before we bothered you guys with it."

Mattie started fussing on the ground so I picked him up and started bouncing him on my hip. "We only closed on the house this week. We only signed the contracts last week. Nothing was for sure until then."

"Contracts? What contracts?"

Sara and I both ducked our heads guiltily. "Well," Sara started in. "I have this friend in SF, my old boss actually, and, well, he…"

"He offered us both jobs. As co-supervisors of the nightshift."

There was a silence.

"And we've taken them."

"So that's it? You're just going to take off? What about the team?"

"Please, Nick," I breathed, "We're not trying to break up the team. But this is what's right for us."

"Yeah? How?"

I shook my head, "Everything. It's better for our family. It's better for us. The schools are better, the people are more accepting. Just…everything."

"You know we've loved the life we've lived here, working with you-"

"Playing with you,"

"But it's time for us to do something else. And this is the opportunity we'd been waiting for."

Silence descended over us once more.

Warrick was the first to step forward. "Well, I hope you'll come out when the baby's born."

I stepped into his waiting arms. "Thank you. We wouldn't miss it for the world."

Begrudgingly, Nick and Greg also came and hugged us with reluctant comments of 'whatever makes you happy' and 'if it's really for the best…'. We knew our move would disrupt everything, change everything. We tried to convince ourselves that change was a good thing and that this was better in the long run for everyone. The team was growing stagnant, it would be good to have some new blood. But it still felt like we were betraying them. I know it kept Sara up.

Six weeks later as we loaded up the mini-van for the four hour drive to California, four despondent men watched us from our walkway. When the last of the bags were in the back, the twins were in their car-seats, and the girls were all buckled up, we turned to them.

I tried to smile. "C'mon, boys, don't look so pathetic. Anyone would think this was a funeral."

"It is," Greg said, "It's the end of the an era. The death of CSI as we know it."

"Don't be so dramatic. We'll still see each other- it's a forty-five minute flight and a fifty dollar ticket; we'll see each other."

"And just think of all the fun you're going to have breaking in two new team members."

Greg rubbed his hands together. "They're toast."

Our laughter died out into awkward silence.

"Let's not say goodbye, okay?" I looked at them all. "Let's just say Happy Holidays, and see you soon."

They nodded their heads but didn't say anything.

I turned to Sara, "You want to drive first, babe?" I dangled the keys in the air.

"Sure." She held her hands out to catch them. She managed a smile. "We won't say goodbye. But how would you feel about a round of hugs?"

The boys seemed to perk up at this and eagerly formed a line.

"I'll miss you, Catherine. Thanks for helping me along."

I hugged Greg tightly. "At least you're not the newbie anymore, right? See you soon, okay, buddy?"

He nodded and kissed my cheek, "See you soon." He moved on to Sara.

Warrick's bright eyes met with mine. He opened his arms to me. "Come and get it, sweetheart."

I laughed and walked into the embrace. "You be good, okay, Daddy? You treat that girl right, she's special."

"Don't I know it? Take care of yourself, Cath. And don't forget to call or email, any reason at all, I'm just a mouse click away."

"I'll call, I'll write. We both will. See you around?"

"See you around." He nodded and smiled.

Nick wouldn't even meet my eyes.

"Come on, Nicky boy." I ruffled his hair. "Don't let life get you down. Remember you've got a wedding coming up, and we wouldn't miss it for anything. So I really will see you soon."

He nodded and looked up. His eyes were glistening with moisture. "I guess I just can't really imagine the lab without you. Either of you."

"Well, I'll be around. So if it's late one night and you need somebody to yell at you to get your ass in gear, you know who to call."

That drew a smile from him.

"I left my new office number with Gil, okay?"

"Okay, Cath." He pulled me in for a hug and then stepped aside to make way for Gil.

"Well," he raised his eyebrows. "You are going to make a great supervisor."

"Thanks, Gil."

"Just…don't be such a hard ass, alright?"

"I need them to do what I say- I don't need them to like me. Sara can be the good cop."

"What's that expression? 'Better chance in Hell'?" He smiled. "Be good, Catherine."

"As 'good' as I can possibly be, Gil." He stepped forward but then took a step back.

"Mom! Are we _ever_ leaving? If you're going to be yapping all day, can you please put the heat on? It's freezing."

"Watch your tone, Lindsey Willows!" Sara hollered, "Don't talk to your mother that way- sass won't get you anywhere."

"Yes, _ma'am._" I could practically hear the eye roll.

I looked at all of _'our'_ boys. "I guess that's our signal to hit the road." I took a few steps back, attempting to smile. "Wish us luck?"

"Good luck." They chorused miserably.

I turned and got in the passenger seat, waiting for Sara to say goodbye to Gil.

"Can we stop for ice cream, Mommy?"

"Mags, it's six in the morning."

"Waffles, then?"

"You've just had breakfast. We'll stop for an early lunch, I promise."

Sara got in. She looked at me and her eyes were wet. I knew mine were, too. I put my hand over hers where it rested on the clutch. "Let's blow this popsicle stand, what do you say?."

She nodded and started up the engine.

As we drove away, I looked at the boys in the rearview mirror until we turned the corner. They stood there watching us until we disappeared. I wiped my eyes dry and said goodbye to a chapter in my life. "Alright, whose ready to get to California?"

"Me!" Shouted three voices in a way that was much to chipper for this early in the morning.

"Oh, that's good, Cath; get them a riled up."

"Yeah, Mom, way to go. Now we'll never be quiet."

I smiled. I had everything I needed right here in this car.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

"So, what's so important that we had to drop everything and run to Ducky's?"

"I don't know, Maureen and Joey said they had something to tell us."

"Ow." I spoke to the baby on my back, my head twisted at an awkward angle. "Lizzie, let go of Mommy's hair. That's really not fun."

"Here, let me." Sara rectified the situation.

"We've been here for thirty-six hours. Couldn't you just tell them that we're exhausted?"

"It sounded urgent." She opened up the door and held it for the three girls and then me, she came in behind us, Mattie on her back.

"How urgent?"

"Urgent, urg-"

"Surprise!"

Sara and I took a stunned step back before we realized what was happening, as was evidenced by the banner hung over the bar. It read, 'Welcome Home Sara & Catherine!' Below that it said in smaller letters _'and Lindsey and Ayla and Maggie and Matthew and Elizabeth!"_

I looked at Sara, laughing. "Did you know about this?"

She held up a hand in defense. "I had no idea, I swear." That was all she had a chance to say before we were swarmed by the crowd of thirty people or so.

"Suga, come here and let me see that adorable creature."

I smiled, "Hey, Lola. You look fabulous."

"Thank you, dear, I do try."

"Where did you get that dress? It's gorgeous."

"I think I'm going to have to take you shopping- show you all the best places in town."

As the night progressed, I was reintroduced to dozens of people. I chatted with the people I already knew. Watching the girls play with Maureen and Gina's kids, I felt a sense of calm wash over me. We had friends here. We had jobs, we had our children, we had a new house. We had a life. I may have been missing the boys and the lab, but I knew it was time to move on. We were going to be okay here. We were going to be happy. This was where we belonged now.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Wow. That was a really long chapter. It probably deserves a review. Seriously, how cool would it be if this fic received over a thousand reviews? But I need you to make it happen, as unfortunately they will not let me review my own fic. You could say anything, but if you're really stuck, here are some suggestions:**

**There's the traditional 'loved it, update soon please' which isn't comprehensive in the least, but I appreciate it none the less.**

**Then you could always say something like, "oh my god, that was fabulous- I cannot wait for more'**

**Or, my personal favorite; 'if your fic was a person, I'd marry it…and possibly have it's babies.' :D**

**Or you could come up with something completely original. Remember, if you've never reviewed, now is the time to start, as Journey of Lifetime is coming to an end.**


	41. One Fine Day

**A/N: Hello, my lovelies! The first thing I want to do is thank every single one of you for your wonderful patience- I know this has been a long time coming. I had some problems coming to terms with the end of Journey- after all, I've been writing it for well over a year and I've changed a lot in that time. And the biggest change in my life might not have ever happened if it weren't for writing this fic. (the next paragraph is pure fluff, I want to give you fair warning.)**

**My sweet Maggsie, you are the greatest love I have ever known. You are my triumph, my inspiration, and my heart. These next three chapters are for you, for everything you give to me. You fill my life with light and your love makes me a better person. And don't worry, this isn't the only mention you get. ;)**

**I know this seems a little short, but let me explain. This is the way I wrote the ending when I first started writing Journey nearly two years ago. And I was going to make it longer and make all of these changes to give you what you wanted. But you know what? I've made the decision to do it this way and use my creative license. You might be a little disappointed, but I hope that for the most part you will understand that this is how it was always meant to be. **

**Thanks, everybody! Have a great read! Oh, and I have so many people to thank that I've that I will mention some at the end of every chapter- in no particular order.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It was the summer of 2008 and school had just let out. Lindsey was seventeen and headed for her senior year in high school. It was hard to believe my first baby was almost all grown up. And she had really come into her own, too. She and I had spent spring break driving up and down the west coast looking a colleges and universities. At the end of the summer, Sara was taking her to look at schools on the east coast. She either wanted to be an English teacher or possibly a veterinarian. What that really meant was that she had no clue what she wanted to be, but Sara and I were not worried. She was doing great.

Linds had gotten her driver's license about six months before, and she was saving up money for a car, working as a barista at Starbucks. She was also dating a boy, Tom, whom I thought was very nice, but whom Sara thought was not to be trusted. Though I'm pretty sure that's what she thought about every boy Lindsey had ever brought home. Not that she had brought that many home. She'd had a couple flings early on in high school and then one serious boyfriend for two years. When that ended, she was heartbroken, which, for a sixteen year old meant that she didn't date for about two months. And then she found Tom. It was no wonder that she was never without a boyfriend for too long, with her long blonde hair, almond-shaped blue eyes, and sweet disposition- captain of the soccer team and president of the debate club, she was a well sought after catch. Of course, she complained at being only 5'5, even shorter than me- already Ayla had surpassed her in height.

Ayla had just celebrated her fourteenth birthday the month before, and was soon to be a sophomore in high school. She was spending the summer working on an astrophysics project in collaboration with a few college students that she was hoping would allow her to start taking science classes at USF in the fall. I thanked God every day for the fact that she did not seem to be interested in dating yet. She was proving to be tall (5'8 so far) and beautiful just like Sara, though just like Sara, she certainly didn't think so. She even wanted braces to close the gap between her teeth, which Sara was inclined to give her but I out and out refused. When she had her own money, she could so it- but without my blessing.

We never did put her in private school, though we had seriously considered it. But in the end, the public schools were so good that we didn't have to. The teachers there readily created a special program for Ayla so that she could take advanced courses and still manage to spend most of her day with kids her own age. It took a bit of time but gradually, she made friends and finally got to do all the things little girls are supposed to- sleepovers, shopping expeditions, trips to Disneyland. By the time she reached fourteen, she was as well adjusted as we could hope for our little genius to be.

Maggie was eleven and very into music and theatre and dance. She sang a solo at her fifth grade graduation and had a big part in her school play, though not the lead- much to her disappointment. And she was trying to start a band. She was still gorgeous with her big gray eyes and irresistible smile. I dreaded the day she went off to high school and I would have to worry about who she would bring home. Already she was showing us that those pre-teen hormones were hard at work and doing their best to drive us crazy.

Mags was born with an air of confidence that eluded most adults, and it sometimes got her into trouble. She was constantly correcting people, and not in the timid soft-spoken way Ayla did. Maggie let you know in no uncertain terms when you were wrong. And according to her, Sara and I were wrong quite a bit these days. We could only imagine what full-fledged adolescence would bring. But there were other times when she was still just our adorable little angel child and of course, no matter what, we wouldn't trade her for the world.

The twins were five and headed for kindergarten. Lizzie was our wild child; Sara said she thought I must have been exactly like her when I was little and she wasn't wrong. She looked like me too, even more than Lindsey did. She had the bright red curls and big blue eyes and with my cheekbones and sticky-out ears, Sara always called her our little elf child.

Lizzie had learned to do everything early; walk, talk, read, write- manipulate. And she ran around doing whatever she wanted. And she was the baby, so everyone indulged her. And she was athletic, like her brother. There didn't seem to be anything she couldn't do and I was excited to see who she would grow up to be.

Matthew was of the quiet make, like Ayla and Sara. Of course, with four sisters always shouting above him, what did we expect? He was painfully shy which I sometimes lost patience with, but Sara always understood. He was a handsome little boy, with blonde hair a shade darker than Lindsey's and big hazel eyes. Wide eyes, like mine, and a button nose and sharp chin.

As Sara had always wanted, he was her little athlete. His mannerisms were so like Sara that I sometimes wondered if somehow there was a weird mistake and he was actually her biological son. They had lots of little secrets that were theirs and theirs alone, things they never shared with the girls or me. Not that it bothered me, though. Quite the opposite. It was good for both of them, and when Mattie had a problem or a scary dream, he always came to Mommy first because he didn't want Mama to think he couldn't do it himself.

I liked my role as the one who made all the bad things go away, whereas Sara liked being his perpetual playmate. With the girls, except for Ayla who had never seemed to need a disciplinarian, it was always the other way around.

On this particular summer day, we were going to the beach. Lindsey and Sara had headed out in the early early morning in order to catch the good surf. Surfing had been something they had shared together since we moved to California, and even though Sara was teaching the other kids, going out in the early summer mornings was still a tradition that the two kept up.

The plan that day had been for them to go out early and then to grab all of us a picnic breakfast and for the other four kids, the two dogs, and I to meet them for a day at the beach. My role at the beach was generally to sit on the beach and keep an eye on everybody- I rarely got to put a toe in the water. I didn't mind; it was fun just to watch my family.

When I pulled up at the beach, Lindsey ran up to me and said that Mama was getting breakfast.

It took us awhile to get all of the boards and buckets and chairs out of the van and loaded into the wagon we now brought everywhere. Whether we were transporting twins or gear, the wagon was a lot more practical than a stroller. Hershey and Casey were well trained dogs and they just followed us along the beach to the picnic grounds, though technically they were meant to be on leash.

After we had gotten everything set up with the umbrellas and the towels, I looked up the beach to see Sara talking, several bags of food in her arms, with a very attractive young woman in a surfer's wetsuit. Sara was similarly attired, but she had gotten hot and halfway peeled off the wetsuit so that besides her small bikini top, she was naked to the waist. My eyes narrowed immediately.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Sara- not at all, and though there might have been a twinge of envy, I wasn't really jealous of the younger woman. I knew that I looked good, especially for forty-seven. I had held my figure and I still looked hot in my suit. But my wife could be so oblivious sometimes, and this other surfer's stance and attitude were anything but innocent. She couldn't take her eyes off Sara- my wife! And there was the problem, right there. I wasn't jealous; I was territorial.

Moving a little closer, I could hear them talking.

"So you've been surfing for a while then?" the woman was asking.

"Oh sure, I've lived in California for most of my life, so…"

"Cool, yeah, I'm out here all the time. And I make it out to Hawaii about once a year."

"Yeah? That's really awesome."

"Totally, you should really check it out…" And the woman touched Sara's arm.

I was just about to go over there and give that woman a piece of my mind when Lindsey caught sight of my expression and followed my gaze to its subject. She smiled and patted my shoulder, "I'll take care of it, Ma."

"What? Huh? No, I, uh…" I tried to act like I wasn't upset, "It's fine…"

Lindsey just shook her head, "Hang on a sec." She went over and whispered something to Ayla and Maggie who nodded and smiled. Then she turned and jogged up to Sara.

"Hey, Mama, is that breakfast? Did you get me the egg sandwich like I wanted?"

"Sure did."

I smiled as I saw the other woman's face freeze. "You have a daughter?"

Sara raised an eyebrow as she threw an arm around Lindsey's shoulder, "Yeah, my oldest, Lindsey. Linds, meet Naomi, she's a surfer too."

"Hi!" Lindsey smiled. Behind her back she made the 'okay' signal and I watched Ayla and Maggie run past me with the dogs fast at their heels.

"You have more kids?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I-"

"Mama! Mama!" Ayla and Maggie came running up.

I laughed at the way _Naomi_'s face fell. Getting the idea, I bent down and whispered to the twins, "Go run over and jump on Mama, okay?"

They nodded and were off like rockets, "Mama! Mama!"

I grinned in satisfaction as the other woman went pale. _Ha. My family. My kids. My wife. Step off, bitch. _With that, I stripped off the long t-shirt I had been wearing over my suit, pushed my sunglasses up on my head, and swaggered over to join my family. I slipped an arm around Sara's waist and glared protectively at the blonde surfer woman.

Still completely unaware, Sara hugged me back as best she could and kissed me softly on the lips, "Hey, honey, I was just bringing breakfast. I got you the fruit salad like you asked, but I also got you two glazed donuts because I know you secretly wanted them."

I smiled serenely at my beautiful Sara who knew me so well. "Thanks, babe."

Sara turned back to Naomi, "Sorry, this is my wife, Catherine, and these are our kids," she pointed to each of our children in turn, "Lindsey, you met, and then Ayla, Maggie, Matthew and Lizzie. We were just about to start our day at the beach."

The young woman looked more than slightly taken aback, "Oh, um, hi everybody."

My darling children all smiled politely at her.

I wrapped myself around Sara and rested my head on her shoulder, "Did you want to join us for breakfast? We've got lots of food…" I said it with a smile on my face but my eyes and my tone said that I wasn't really asking.

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to intrude. Besides, I've got work in a couple of hours…but it was really nice meeting you."

I laughed as the woman practically ran toward the parking lot.

Sara furrowed her brow, "I wonder what happened; she was really nice a minute ago…"

Lindsey grinned, "I bet she was…"

I took the bags of food from Sara and gave them to Lindsey, "Why don't you get everybody set up? We'll be there in a little while."

My oldest daughter winked at me, "Sure, thing."

I smiled at Sara and dragged her along the beach in the opposite direction, "So…thinking about trading me in for a younger model?" I joked.

"Huh?" Sara still didn't get it.

I rolled my eyes, "Surfer babe was pretty into you…"

"Who, Naomi? Nah. She's doing grad work at UCLA in marine science. She's just really friendly. I met her up by the breakfast place…"

"Sara, are you serious? She was all over you; she was this close to inviting you to Hawaii! And did you see the way she ran for the hills when she saw the kids and me? That girl was hoping for some action."

Sara caught the twinkle in my eye, "Did you…you had the kids ambush me just to shake off that girl, didn't you?"

I laughed.

"Eww. She was like twenty-three, she might as well be Lindsey's age. She probably still plays beer pong and spin the bottle. You don't seriously think I was interested in her, do you? 'Cause I'm not, I-"

I nudged her playfully into the water. "Babe, I wasn't worried. I just wanted her to know that she was barking up the wrong tree and that you'd been taken for a while."

Sara put her arms around my waist, "Mmm. For seven years, to be exact."

"Well, technically we've been married for four years and eight months."

"Yeah, but we've been together for seven years and a month, and today is the anniversary of the first time we…you know."

"No, it's not, we waited almost two months for that."

"Not _that._ I meant the first time we said _I love you._"

"Oh." I felt a warmth grow in my stomach, "Really? How do you remember stuff like that?"

Sara hoisted me up so that we were eye level, "I'll remember that day for the rest of my life," she said seriously.

"Oh, you're just begging to be kissed now, aren't you?"

"Maybe."

The surf tickled my toes as Sara continued to hold me up and I kissed her soundly. Minutes later we heard a chorus of 'Eww!' 'Yucky!' and 'Get a room!' We both laughed and my wife set me down. Hand in hand, we walked back towards the family we had created together.

That day was full of love and light and it has always been one of my favorite memories.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**If you just want to read all three chapters and review at the end, that's fine with me. I'm not begging for them for this fic anymore- all reviews should be given of your own free will. This was the first Cath/Sara fic to ever reach a thousand reviews, and that is proof enough for me of your devotion.**

**I want to send a special thanks out to: tofem, ., cathandsaraforever55, CSISVUTWFBgurl, Gryffindor620, forkeh, Ponys, Chimp1984, Halliwell-luver, AquaBubbles, Piper Gilmore and Chelsee6. And of course, my beautiful Maggsie!**


	42. Young at Heart

15/01/2009 06:07:00

**A/N: Nothing much to say here, except that I hope you enjoy this. **

**Also, Maggsie aka the love of my life supported me through my entire block, and you would not be reading this right now without her- so PM her and tell her she is amazing. But be careful what you say- there is no flirting with my girlfriend! And she'll tell me if you do and then I will…umm…not be able to do anything, but I will not be happy!**

**Read on, dear friends!**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

It was 2016, my fifty-fifth birthday and it was depressing me to no end. Sara was only forty-seven and still looked and acted like she was in her thirties. Our children were growing up and I felt old.

The twins were thirteen and finishing up seventh grade. Lizzie had a boyfriend who was in the eighth grade. Neither Sara nor I liked him very much but that was probably just because we knew he was kissing our youngest child in the backs of movie theatres. She had started the whole dating scene the earliest of all of the girls. Not that it surprised me- I had had boyfriends when I was her age. But that didn't mean I was okay with her following in my footsteps.

Also, despite the fact that she was amazingly smart, she was not doing well in school and was acting out more and more. None of the other girls had ever rebelled as much and I guess we had been lucky. Lizzie was this gorgeous girl. She had developed early, she had out of control red hair, and she was extremely over confident. My mother called it God's revenge. She said if we were lucky, Lizzie would only run away in three years and become an exotic dancer. _Oh, God._

Mattie, on the other hand, was the model son. He got perfect grades; he was in the competitive travel soccer league and scored the winning goal for the state championship in his level. He was still a shy boy, but he was very popular both with kids and teachers because he was so well mannered and good-natured.

Sara didn't understand it at all. She said that she was exactly like him in school and no one ever paid her the time of day. I didn't even try to suggest that perhaps she had been a bit moodier and more sarcastic than our son. After nearly fifteen years together, I knew what a comment like that would earn me.

Maggie was nearly eighteen and graduating from high school in a few months. She was going to tour with a drama troupe that summer as she had the last two summers, before continuing on to theatre school in New York City in the fall. She was a very talented actress as well as a singer and songwriter. Neither Sara nor I could get over how grown-up she had gotten. She wasn't quite as tall as Sara, though she was certainly taller than me.

Her curls, her eyes, and her smile had stayed just the same and they got her even farther than they had when she was three years old. She dated both men and women, which didn't really surprise either of her mothers. Maggie was just that kind of girl. She had never judged anyone on anything other than their hearts and she never would.

Ayla was still our adorable genius. She had graduated from high school a year early and had taken the year to study physics and astronomy in Japan. Now she was in Boston, finishing her last year at school doing a double major in nuclear biology and nuclear physics and she already had job offers with several medical engineering firms, though Sara and I thought she was likely to take an internship at NASA.

She didn't want to be an astronaut anymore, but she did want to be a part of the scientific team that discovered life on other planets. She wasn't dating anyone that we knew about; she had yet to have any serious relationships. That was just fine with both of her mothers.

If we were going to have to worry about our thirteen year old dating punk rockers and our eighteen year old having orgies with anyone and everyone, we did not need to worry about the one daughter who was on the other side of the country. Well, Lindsey was on the other side of the country as well, but we knew exactly who she was seeing.

Lindsey was living in D.C., nearly twenty-six, in graduate school, and engaged! I couldn't get over it. Even though I was very happy for her, I still cried for about ten years. Ethan was a very nice, handsome man- a crime scene investigator, in fact. He was thirty, very tall, and of mixed-race. After Sara and I first met him, the first thing past Sara's lips was that Lindsey was actualizing her crush on Uncle Warrick.

But three years and a five thousand dollar engagement ring later, it was clear that they were in fact, very much in love. Lindsey was actually studying to be a forensic anthropologist, which surprised us, considering that until her senior year in college, she had wanted to be an English teacher. It did however, make us proud that she was so interested in something that we had spent our whole lives doing.

That was the other thing. I was turning fifty-five years old with an engaged daughter and six months before, I'd had given up my job as a CSI. True, for the last six or seven years, I had been mostly pushing paper as an administrative supervisor, but now I was no longer ever in the field at all. I was a consultant for Cold Case and I was giving lectures at UCLA.

Sara had been a field supervisor for the last six years and she was still bringing in new cases. I knew we didn't need the extra money that my job had been bringing us, and it was true that I was no longer young enough to be pulling twelve and eighteen hour shifts, but giving up CSI made me feel old.

And so it was that my birthday arrived. I hadn't been planning anything special; a family dinner with Maggie, Lizzie, and Mattie- if we could convince Lizzie to give up one Friday night with her precious boyfriend. And maybe Sara and I would catch a movie.

Since we no longer needed babysitters every time we went out, our dating life had hit a high that it had never been at before. It was the first time in our entire relationship that we could just decide to go off for an entire evening- or an entire weekend. Not that we did it often, but the fact that we had the option was wonderful.

When I got back from my Friday afternoon lecture, I knew no one would be home. Maggie was in rehearsal, Mattie had practice, Sara would be at work, and Lizzie, in all likelihood, was learning how to play guitar from her boyfriend's father. I opened the door to be greeted by a rush of barking.

Somehow, our house had become a menagerie. Sara and I had been insistent when we were living in Las Vegas that we would have no pets. But all of the girls, and especially Lindsey, had wanted a dog. So, when we moved to California and got our big house, we decided a puppy wouldn't hurt. So we got Hershey, our chocolate lab. And then Ayla's class had had a program where the kids could intern at an animal shelter. So we got our cat, Duncan.

Then we adopted our neighbor's golden retriever, Casey when they moved out of the country. Last year, a few weeks before Christmas, Casey had gotten hit by a car. The kids were devastated, so for Christmas, I went out and bought them a cocker spaniel puppy. And Sara went out and bought them a boxer puppy. And both, Roxy and Theo, stayed.

So then we had three dogs and a cat. Not to mention Mattie's two turtles, Lizzie's ball python (a gift from her wonderful boyfriend), and Maggie's lovebirds. What can I say? When you have five kids, some rules just have to give. This rule went from 'No pets' to 'Only ten pets in the house at a time.'

I let the dogs out and pet the cat while I went through the mail. Then everybody came bounding in for treats and I checked my watch. It was half past four, and I thought I would start on dinner so that we could head out early, or at least avoid the complaining of angry teenagers at having to stave off their busy social lives until nine o'clock.

But when I set my bag down and went into the kitchen, I had to smile. Someone, probably named Sara, had barred the refrigerator shut with crime scene tape. And someone else, probably named Maggie, had made a brightly colored sign with happy red bubble letters, '_**Do Not Open. Highly Toxic and Top Secret.'**_ In slightly smaller letters were the words, '_For more information please contact Crime Scene Investigator Sara Sidle-Willows at the San Francisco Crime Lab.'_

Laughing, I dialed the number and extension for Sara's office.

After two rings, my love picked up, "Sidle-Willows? Jerry, if this is you, you can forget about it, day shift is over in half an hour and we are getting out of here on time tonight. You can make nightshift pick it up, Lord knows we clean up after enough of their messes."

I smiled warmly, "Well, Mrs. Sidle-Willows, I'll pass that information right along the next time I speak with our police commissioner. In the mean time, could you spare a moment for your darling wife?"

I could hear the grin in Sara's voice, "Babe! Why didn't you call my cell?"

"The sign on the fridge says 'contact CSI Sidle-Willows at the San Francisco Crime Lab.' I thought I'd better follow instructions to the letter."

"Damn right. I had to come home on lunch break to secure that scene. And Mags was up late making up that sign."

"You drove the hour home and the hour back on your lunch break? Sara…"

"Okay, so I maybe took a long lunch break. But my plan worked; here we are talking away."

"Yeah, okay. So, what's up?"

"It's your birthday."

"I had noticed." I tried not to sound too glum.

"Cheer up, hon. We're going out to celebrate."

"We are?" This was news to me.

"Yep."

"When?"

"As soon as I get home, so go get ready. Get dressed up and shiny- we're going out on the town."

"The kids?" I wasn't about to pass up the chance to get out with Sara, but I also was too used to being a mother to just do what she was asking.

"Taken care of. Mags is on it. So, hop to it. I expect nothing but the best. Hair styled, make-up done, something small and clingy hugging every perfect part of you. Everyone who sees you tonight is going to know how gorgeous you are and how much I love you."

I blushed giddily, thinking that perhaps this birthday wasn't so bad after all, "So all out huh?"

"You got it. Dressed to the nines."

"What about you?"

"Don't you worry your pretty little self about that. I'll be home at six o'clock sharp and you better be waiting by the door."

"All right. I'll see you soon."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

I rushed around, hurrying to get ready. A quick shower and then an eternity to dry my hair which- in defiance of getting older, I had let grow long down to nearly the middle of my back. After that I had to pick out something to wear. Not that that was hard. I had this new dress that Sara hadn't seen yet. Deep crimson at the spaghetti strap top, it faded to black and fanned out where it ended right below my knee. It had been my Christmas present to myself when I was out in D.C. helping Lindsey with wedding plans.

But I had yet to have an occasion to where it to. I knew that Sara would particularly like the long slit up one side that stopped only inches below my hip. I slipped the dress on, as well as some black heels. I had just put the finishing touches on my make-up when the doorbell rang. I adorned the dangly diamond earrings Sara had given me for our tenth anniversary, grabbed my purse and went downstairs to open the door.

Wow. Sara looked amazing. It seems I wasn't the only one to be wearing something new. She had on these long billowy black pants that hugged her hips amazingly. And her top. Did I say wow?

Tight, layered, sheer black fabric; thick black straps that accented her gorgeous neck perfectly. And the top was cut just a little short so that you could see half an inch of skin between it and her pants. Mamma mia. And the look on her face said that I looked just as good.

"Fifteen years and I still can't believe I ended up with someone as gorgeous as you." She snuck an arm around my waist and kissed me lightly, "You're amazing, Cath. You're beautiful and wonderful and I love you. And if we didn't have strict reservations it would be my pleasure to whisk you right back upstairs and help you out of these clothes." She kissed me soundly.

Oh, how I loved this woman, "I'm not that hungry. Why don't we cancel the reservations?" I started pulling her inside.

She sighed, "No can do love, it took me months to get this reservation. I almost had to sleep with the hostess."

"Which is exactly what you should tell me to get me to go." I eyed her in mock displeasure.

"Come on," she dragged me towards the compact.

"Why don't we take the Durango?" I asked.

We now owned four cars; the mini-van which was tired and currently being used as Maggie's car, the Durango which Sara took to work, the truck which was technically Lindsey's but she hadn't driven it in years, and our little compact which I took to the university everyday. When it was the whole family or just the two of us, we usually took the Durango. We had sold the T-bird two years before to Jim Brass- it was his retirement gift to himself.

"It's easier to park the compact."

Aha. If parking was going to be an issue, that meant we were going into downtown San Francisco. And that meant a really fancy restaurant, since nothing else would warrant the hour-long trek back to the city.

The ride was uneventful. We talked about our days, our co-workers; the kids. It was much the same banter that had filled the last fifteen years of our lives. We didn't constantly need to be singing each other's praises or anything like that. We were confident in our love and the easy way we spoke and our relaxed, interlaced fingers in my lap proved that.

When Sara stopped the car, I looked around, confused. "Where the hell are we?" We were down by the wharf but we were blocks away from any good restaurant.

Sara smiled mischievously, "We're here."

"Are you taking me out for a romantic body dump?" In California, people were always leaving bodies out by piers; don't ask me why.

"No, I'm taking you out there." Sara pointed down a dock to a very large and very sleek white yacht.

I grinned, "Seriously?"

She winked at me, "You are my birthday girl."

"Lay lady lay." I wiggled my eyebrows.

"That was the general idea." She smiled what I had dubbed the 'weak in the knees' smile and got out of the car. She came around and offered me her arm, "My lady?"

We walked in silence down the dock, and as we grew closer to the boat, I could hear music and laughter coming from within.

"Sara…is this like one of those dinner cruise things?"

Sara grinned, "Not exactly."

"But…it's not just the two of us?" I asked, a little disappointed.

"No." She winked at me as she hopped on board and pulled me across. She whispered in my ear, "But it is a private party."

With that, she pushed me inside. I looked around and gasped. I leaned back against my wife as she stepped through the door, "Oh, Sara."

"Like it?" She whispered.

Looking at all of the food, the glamour, and of course, my smiling friends and family, I could only wordlessly nod. I was completely surprised.

"Happy Birthday, my love." She kissed my cheek.

A moment later, there was a loud echo of her sentiments, "Happy Birthday!"

I immediately began to cry and smile, "Thanks, you guys." I was surrounded by the people I loved.

Everyone was there.

Nick had flown out from Miami, where he was working now as a supervisor. He was divorced, but he had brought my ten year-old godson, Henry, and his girlfriend of two years, Melissa. I couldn't believe that my little Nicky was forty-five. We were all growing older.

Greg and his wife, Lisa, were there. Greg was still working in Las Vegas- a CSI 3. He and Lisa had been married for eight years and they had two kids- Emma who was only two and adorable, and Michael who was eerily like Greg. I thought maybe they should prescribe him something, but he was still cute in an 'I'm grateful for _my_ son' kind of way.

Gil had shown up as well. He was living in Seattle now, working on the sequel to his best-selling crime novel. It had been centered around (surprise) entomology. We had drifted apart even more since Sara and I had moved the kids to California.

And a certain striking brunette character in his novel told me that he had never really gotten over my wife- he was probably here more as a favor to her than anything else. Things were strained between us now and a sick part of me was glad to know that he was sixty-three and living alone in a high-rise apartment in a city where it rained everyday. But he was one of my oldest friends and despite our distance, I was glad to see him.

I felt hands wrap around my waist- hands that were decidedly not my wife's, though familiar just the same, "Happy B-day, sweet thing," A low gravely voice said in my ear.

"Warrick!" I turned around to look at him. And was surprised to find a fifty year-old man in front of me.

We hadn't seen each other since Greg's wedding, though we talked often enough. He was still as handsome as ever, though he had a goatee now and his hair was longer. He was also still in Las Vegas, though he had taken over Ecklie's old job and he and Greg didn't work much together anymore.

His wife, Diana was there too, as well as his three kids. He had two boys, Rick jr. who was seven and Miles who was four. His daughter, Maya was twelve and beautiful.

I was so glad to see the whole team there and I felt a pang of nostalgia for the old days when it was just the six of us gathered in the break room or around a diner table, laughing and joking or brainstorming over a case.

But then I saw each of my friends and how much we had all changed and I knew that it could never have stayed that way. Warrick was happy, devoted to his family rather than his work, now. Nick had changed from his care-free, optimistic self into a responsible, honest man and a loving father. Greg had finally grown-up. He had learned to censor himself, or perhaps Lisa and fatherhood had done that for him. He was now a fully qualified CSI; he would probably make supervisor in the next few years.

And Gil. Well, Gil was still Gil, but he had withdrawn a bit. He was finally living the life of intellectuality he had always longed for. He was widely respected the world over as an entomologist and a published writer, his essays on criminology and forensics had gained him critical acclaim from the big names in the academic community. He was respected, admired, and well liked. Just like he wanted. I wondered if he didn't find it just a bit lonely though.

I remembered Gil as my first knight in shining armor; he had believed in me when no one else would- not even my family or my husband. I remembered Nick as the hopeful young man who sought out my advice while learning to float on his own. I remembered Warrick as my friend and confidant- the one I could turn to when I was feeling alone. And Greg I remembered as that goofy little boy who so badly wanted to belong with us.

I remembered them all and all of the times we had shared, and I missed that. I missed the way we were. A family. For a moment, I wanted to go back there, back to that time.

That's when I remembered the Sara I knew back then. I remembered how colorless and dark her life had been. And that led me to remember my life. Living day to day, utterly alone, and fighting tooth and nail to support a daughter I hardly even saw. I realized that perhaps our lives back then hadn't been as sunshine and daisies as I'd like to remember.

And when I saw my beautiful wife and all five of our beautiful children emerging from a door in the back carrying an enormous three-tiered cake, I knew that I wouldn't change anything in my life for the world.

Ayla had flown home and I couldn't believe how much she older she had become even since Thanksgiving. She was tall- even taller than Sara. In her stocking feet she was nearly six feet, in the spike-heeled boots she was wearing, she towered over me. Her hair had been straightened and it hung loose and impressive down her back. She looked amazing and I beamed with pride.

Lindsey was there, along with Ethan, and she looked great. Ethan had just been given his CSI level 2 status. Lindsey was positively glowing and kept showing everyone her engagement ring and sharing plans about the wedding. Warrick raised his eyebrows at me when he was introduced to Ethan. Aside from the blue eyes and square jaw, the two men really did look a lot alike. I just shrugged and smiled. C'est la vie.

My sister was there and my fourteen year old niece, videotaping the whole thing to show my ailing mother. Jeremy was an aspiring independent film director and his little sister wanted to follow in his footsteps. Sara's and my friends and co-workers from San Francisco were all there.

Everyone sang to me and Sara made a beautiful speech that I cried for. The guys made speeches too, but I laughed through those. And my kids made a speech all together. Lindsey and Ayla were by far the most eloquent, but Maggie talked about how happy she was that I was her mother which made me cry, and Lizzie actually swallowed her adolescent pride and hugged me in front of everyone. Matthew wasn't the type for public speaking, but he did give me a hug and a kiss and presented me with a lovely wooden jewelry box that he didn't have to tell me he had carved himself.

Inside was a smaller velvet box, and inside that was a beautiful silver necklace entirely designed of Celtic knots, which the kids had picked out themselves. Sara just winked at me and told me that my present from her could wait until we were alone. She said it in such a way that I blushed and the kids all covered their ears and yelled, "Ah! Mama! Don't be gross!" Everyone else laughed and an evening of dancing and laughter commenced. It was a beautiful night.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**Okay, this time thank yous go to: LeonniThams, Rach5, CavanaughCSI3, Harley Quinn Davidson, quietmusician, CatherineWillowsCSI, Cellen8, SJ-23, Kirky123, frenchflotus, chawkchic, and harassedbytheFBI.**


	43. And they were

**A/N: This is it, my faithful readers, the very final chapter. No encores, no repeat performances. If I forgot to thank anybody, know that I appreciate every single one of you and this has been a wonderful experience for me.**

**Maggsie, I love you. This one is for you more than the others. We're gonna grow old together baby, you and me. Just wait and see.**

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

2032

Barking and the squeals of children could be heard throughout the house as the front door slammed for the umpteenth time that day. I didn't need to look up from my place peeling potatoes at the sink to know who it was- everyone else was already here. And the world wouldn't be turning if Lizzie couldn't make a dramatic entrance.

"Everybody?" I heard my youngest- not so young anymore, shout down the hall. "I'm here!"

I didn't need to wait long for the eruption and then the stampede of feet I knew would come. "Auntie Liz! Auntie Liz!" To the world, she was Liz now, but to Sara and I, she would always be our Lizzie.

Potato salad for tomorrow could wait. I dried my tired hands on a handy dish towel, and moved into the living room in time to see my daughter waddle through the doorway, a child suction-cupped to each leg, and one on each hip as the older children followed behind. Only one year-old Ben was sitting on the floor not paying attention, too young to understand that everyone's favorite aunt had finally arrived- two and a half hours late.

"Alright, alright," Lizzie laughed. "Everybody off! Auntie Liz needs to breathe!" The kids scattered and my baby- my twenty-eight year old baby crossed the room to jump into the arms of my other twenty-eight year old baby. "Hey, big bro!" She reached up on her tip toes to ruffle his hair and then rubbed at his scruff. "A beard. I like it. Gives you a dangerous mystique."

"Oh, good." Mattie rolled his eyes, "That's just what I was going for." He bent down to ruffle her hair and she scrunched her nose at him, brushing it back into place. They smiled as they ran through the motions of the long established tradition.

"And here I thought you could talk him into shaving it off." My daughter-in-law stood up from the couch and smiled. "Hey, Liz."

"Maya," Lizzie opened her arms, "my favorite sister-in-law! Oh, I guess I won't be able say that after tomorrow." She looked over her shoulder and winked at the two women squeezed into the arm chair.

I looked at my family- my very large family, now, spread and sprawled all over the biggest room in the house. It had seemed full when there were five children playing in it. But now those five children were very much grown and it was my _ten_ grandchildren that were making a mess of things. Yep; ten.

Lindsay had been a woman for a long time now; a wife and a mother at forty-one. She and Ethan had been married for fifteen years and had four children. Our oldest grandchild, Madison was thirteen- completely obsessed with computers. Her brother Cameron was next at eleven- he loved race cars and dirt bikes, a typical boy. After him came curly-haired eight year-old Jake who dreamed of being a professional basketball player. And last but not least was the little blonde spitfire, Lily, who reminded me the most of Lindsay and who would proudly announce to anyone who would listen that she was six and a half and would be seven on October 16th.

Lindsey had worked from their home in Washington D.C. until all of the kids were in school, writing grant proposals and consulting for museums. Now she was doing what she had trained to do, traveling the world one week out of every month to identify remains on archaeological expeditions all over the world and letting Ethan and his mother take care of the children for a change. We could not have been more proud of her.

Ayla was thirty-seven now. No longer the little gap-toothed girl I remembered falling in love with so many years ago. She'd seen her share of hardship. After college, she took an internship with NASA, but after a year decided that she was no longer interested in the space aspect and was much more passionate about biology. So she went to graduate school where she met and fell in love with Dr. Hugo Barron, a professor, and a genius in his own right. He was nearly twenty years older than she, but they cared for each other a great deal and when Ayla was twenty six they were married.

They got pregnant right away, and the following year our grandson Isaac was born. When he was just three months old, his father had a heart attack that put him in the hospital, severely weakened. He never left. After two months he suffered another attack, slipped into a coma and a week later, died. My poor Ayla was heart broken, and if it wasn't bad enough, when Isaac was a year old the doctor informed us that he was deaf. Thankfully, it could be corrected with implants, and someday, surgery, but at the time it had been a devastating blow to Ayla- she completely blamed herself.

Ayla was always the serious one, the literal and realistic one, and when her husband died, she seemed to lose all of the energy and drive she had had when she was younger. For a long time, she immersed herself in Isaac's upbringing and made no effort to reach out. She started home schooling him when he was very young. When he was five, she realized that just like she had been, Isaac would be out of place in a class of his peers and that's how she got the idea for the school. Using the money her fathers left her she began a school for gifted children. It began with four students in a small house with she as the only teacher. Five years later she was the principal of a private school with over one hundred students, twelve teachers and newly finished, state of the art facilities. And Isaac had never felt left out or different from any other child. He had those big brown eyes I have a certain weakness for, and he was quick to laugh and smile, making him easy to love.

Maggie. Always the actress. Maggie had dropped out of college when she was nineteen after landing a big part in an off Broadway play. That part led to a bigger part which led to a bigger part which led to Broadway and the supporting role in a very successful musical. And she did that for six years until she was sacked because she was no longer young enough for the part. Deciding she had had enough of city life, Maggie returned to college to get a degree in education. Five years ago she took a job as a drama teacher at a high school in Vermont. And that is where she met Stacy.

Stacy was an art teacher and a freelance painter and photographer. She was a pixie of a woman with a dazzling smile and a sense of humor as dry as Sara's- and she fit into our family effortlessly as did her two children, Ruby and Max. She and Maggie became immediate friends when they met and when Stacy's husband beat her into a hospital bed, Maggie was there to pick up the pieces. Four years and a very final divorce later, Stacy bought Maggie a diamond ring.

It only took thirty years and four different presidents- including our first African-American president and our first woman president, but gay marriage was finally legal in all fifty states, effective on April 22nd, 2032- which was the following day. So we were having a wedding- the fourth in our family. Eight year-old Ruby was quick to point out that now she and five year-old Max would be our _real _grandchildren, but we had considered them our family from the moment we met them. Ruby was smart as a whip and never missed a chance to prove it, and Max was a sweetheart, always trying to make people smile.

Jamie, Max's cousin, was also five years old. She loved horses, and had just started riding lessons. Her younger brothers were Ty who was four and our youngest grandchild, baby Ben. Mattie and Maya had started having children young, but then again, they had started everything young.

A few weeks after my surprise fifty-fifth birthday party, Warrick was hired to take over my old job as administrative supervisor- the sneaky guy hadn't even told us he had applied for the position. But he had, and he and his family moved out to San Francisco that summer. Maya went to the same school as Mattie and Lizzie, so most days she came home on the bus with them and did her homework with the twins until one of her parents could come to get her. It became very clear right away that she and Mattie had unmistakable chemistry- but it still took Mattie a year to work up the courage to ask her out. And except for one dramatic month in high school, they had been together ever since.

They were married the summer after Maya's college graduation- a degree in architecture, Mattie's was in civil engineering, and while they had intended to wait a few years to have children, it seemed that fate had other plans.

Warrick had been so proud. Of his daughter. Of his grandchildren. He would pull out his wallet and show pictures to anyone and everyone. He was there, in a wheel chair, the day his third grandchild was born. Maya and Mattie were going to name him Christopher. But when Warrick held him in his arms he disagreed, "No," he said, "This little man is a Benjamin. Like his great-grandfather. Mark my words. This boy is a Ben."

They had been doing chemotherapy for months, but it didn't matter- the cancer had been too advanced by the time they finally got the diagnosis right. When he died, two days later, with all of us in his room, he died a happy man, and despite all the pain he must have felt, he had a smile on his face. "I always did have all the good luck," he told us, before his body relaxed and he was gone. He was only sixty-five.

Nick was at the funeral. It was the first time I had seen him in ten years- since he moved back to Texas to take over his father's business. Greg was there too, now a criminology professor with one kid in high school and one in college; too old to be wearing his rock and roll t-shirts and old enough that he didn't give a damn. Gil did not come. He wasn't traveling much anymore, he was spending most of his days in a retirement community in Florida where he was considered a very handsome catch by all the old widows and continued to write. We exchanged Christmas cards- Sara gave him a phone call now and then, but that was the extent of our contact, the old days of deep friendship nothing but a faded memory now.

Lizzie was our only child who had yet to find her way. She dropped out of college her senior year to follow a boyfriend across the country, only to break up with him months later. She had worked in countless jobs; medical secretary, commercial fisherwoman, cocktail waitress, and club DJ to name a few. Now she was a bartender in a bar downtown. I'd lost count of the tattoos and different hair colors, although she was now back to her natural red. But she had always been a free spirit, a wild child. So as much as I, we, worried about her, I knew that she would be fine. It had always taken her a bit longer than the others to get her footing, but when she did, she dazzled the world.

My thoughts were interrupted by the long familiar feeling of a hand in mine. I looked down. Our hands had changed over the years, the creases had deepened and our skin was mottled with age spots. I looked up. Liquid brown eyes met mine. The eyes of my daughter and my grandson, the eyes of my wife; the eyes I fell in love with all those years ago. They would never change. She smiled at me and lead me to the dinner table. Chairs were crowded around, and there was a separate table for the younger children. I watched as the food warming in the oven was brought to the table and everyone took their seats. Mattie came out of the kitchen with two bottles of champagne. He handed one to Sara and opened the other himself. We all cheered and applauded as they erupted. Sara poured hers and then mine before passing it along. She stood, raising her glass.

"A toast!" She grinned, "First to Maggie and Tracy and Ruby and Max!" She nodded in their direction. "You are a beautiful family already, and tomorrow is just a day to celebrate that. Maggie, your mother and I are so happy that you have found someone to love and spend the rest of your life with- and even happier that she's someone we can honestly love too. Tracy, Ruby, and Max, I want to officially welcome you to the Sidle-Willows, Barron, Brown, Holzman-Winger, Williams clan! We are completely chaotic and crazy and we like it that way!" There came another round of cheers. "And we can only hope that you learn to love us as mush as we already love you. Cheers!"

"Cheers!" We all drank.

"And now a toast to Catherine, Mom, Gigi, whatever you call her, a toast to my amazing lover of thirty years."

I raised an eyebrow in confusion. She just smiled and winked, then reached into her pocket and pulled out a small blue velvet box. She held it out to me. Inside was a ring. A diamond ring. I looked up at her. "Sar?"

"I don't want to steel the thunder of the brides to be, but I know we never had a proper engagement, and as of tomorrow we can finally get that tax deduction." She beamed. "So what do you say, Gigi? Think you can find it in your heart to marry this old Nana? Again?"

I stared at the ring and then back at Sara. I smirked, "Thirty years and you really have to ask? Maybe you're not as sharp as I thought you were, Sidle." I pulled on her wrist and she slid into her seat. I pressed my forehead against hers. "Thirty years and you're still full of surprises." I kissed her sweetly.

She looked into my eyes and in a hushed voice she sang, "So I would choose to be with you, that's if the choice were mine to make. But you can make decisions too…and you can have this heart to break."

"Hey, Mom!" Maggie hollered across the table. "Will you just say yes already?"

"Yeah, not to interrupt your ten millionth embarrassing make out session, but the food is getting cold!"

"I like it when Nana and Gigi kiss! It's romantic!"

"Trust me, once they've kissed each other in front of all your friends, your friends' parents, your teachers, not to mention probably thousands of complete strangers, it loses its charm."

"I'd rather they kiss too much than not at all."

"I think it's sweet to still be so in love after so long."

"I'm never going to fall in love."

"Every ten year-old boy says that."

"Yeah well, I mean it."

"Maddie, throw me a roll would you?"

"Okay, which one of these lasagnas is vegetarian?"

"The one with spinach, stupid! You know, all that green stuff."

"Don't call your cousin stupid!"

"But he is stupid compared to me. I bet he doesn't even know geometry."

"Who has the yams? I specifically asked for yams."

"So, Liz, you seeing anybody?"

"Why do we always talk about my love life?"

"We're boring and married. We live vicariously through you."

"What's vicariously?"

"You guys have been boring and married since we were fourteen."

"Mom, can I spend the summer with Nana and Gigi? Nana is going to teach me how to surf!"

Sara's eyes locked onto mine and we both grinned. This was our life. And it was pretty darn great. She kissed me again before refilling my glass of champagne. "To our children." She whispered, her voice somehow drowning out the commotion.

I nodded, "And their children."

"To us."

"And wedded bliss."

"To the next thirty years."

"May they be as beautiful and incredible as the last."

And they were.

**IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI**

**That's it, everybody. Thank you all so much- and if you liked this, then turn on my author alert, because there's a lot more to come. I'm just full of ideas- nothing quite this long, but hopefully just as good.**

**Final thanks goes to: Forget Me Not Blue, bene, Empress'd, Tiger87, Kaede Shinomori, Missy Holland, fadedexistence, SaraLou, quirkykirky, ThreeDollarBill and last but certainly not least wee idgie and her enormous review.**

**And I can never say it enough; I love you my sweetling, thoughts of you get me through each and every day until I can wrap my arms around you and never let you go. XO**


End file.
